When a member of the public questions your parenting?

DredFX

JimBobPlayer wrote: »

OP - I think you were right. The woman was rude by telling you to SHUT THE CHILD UP. That's carte blanche in my book to be rude in return!

But shouting an old, cynical woman down in the middle of the street isn't just being rude, it's being aggressive. Two different extremes. OP took it too far by flipping out, rather than just telling the woman that the child has a medical condition, or better yet, walking away and ignoring her.

JimBobPlayer

DredFX wrote: »

But shouting an old, cynical woman down in the middle of the street isn't just being rude, it's being aggressive. Two different extremes. OP took it too far by flipping out, rather than just telling the woman that the child has a medical condition, or better yet, walking away and ignoring her.

Sometimes we don't always do the ideal thing. Humans and all that jazz.

JeffKenna

JimBobPlayer wrote: »

Sometimes we don't always do the ideal thing. Humans and all that jazz.

But you think she was right?

JeffKenna

eviltwin wrote: »

You could say that about anyone of any age, don't stand up for yourself as maybe they have some condition that makes them come out with ignorant comments. I appreciate its frustrating to see a child in a full on tantrum but as a shopper you can walk away. That's far better than being pass remarkable.

And would it not be better to walk away from an OAP as opposed to roaring abuse at her?

JimBobPlayer

JeffKenna wrote: »

But you think she was right?

Yes. Given the circumstances. Not ideal. But entirely understandable.

eviltwin

JeffKenna wrote: »

And would it not be better to walk away from an OAP as opposed to roaring abuse at her?

I wouldn't have roared abuse at her either but I would tell someone to mind their own business. I have two special needs kids myself and understand the OP's frustration, a child with a SN can't be placated in the way another child can. I appreciate its not easy for members of the public to tell when a child is being bold or when its something else but when you see a parent trying to deal with a child like this just leave them to it. Coming out with unhelpful comments won't help.

pwurple

crazy_kenny wrote: »

We all don't have the luxury of shopping delivered to the door. Both parents work during the week so the Saturday trip shopping is a family outing unfortunately.


While I don't particularly agree with everything you say, thanks for your input and other options I could have used.

We both work during the week too... I'd look at other arrangements if I could. There are very few places that can't get shopping delivered. I've gotten a supervalu delivery to a holiday home in the back of beyonds in south kerry.

Shops are open in the evenings.

Shopping centers often have play areas nearby for the other parent.

Supermarkets are awful places for children. You've given us a pretty good example of it here.

Sorry if you feel you're being ganged up on, but hopefully it's helpful.

edited to add, there is a woman who lives near us with a severely autistic son. She asks neighbours to give her a hand with shopping, as she finds he can't handle the supermarket at all. she gets a delivery, but can call on us for odd bits like extra milk etc. You're not alone with children, it takes a village etc. Don't worry about asking people for a hand if you need it.

crazy_kenny

indigo twist wrote: »

As others have said, the most appropriate course of action would have been for one of you to take the child elsewhere - you don't need all three of you present for some basic grocery shopping! I imagine feeding her junk food in an attempt to shut her up only hyped her up even more - perhaps you could learn a lesson there, don't do it again?

And shouting obscenities at a stranger is a really scummy thing to do - especially when it was an elderly person. Would you have had the courage to do the same to a young male thug if he'd said the same things? I doubt it. Because you wouldn't have had the same physical advantage over him - you wouldn't have been able to intimidate him in the same way you were able to intimidate that little old lady. The fact that you say you felt great after doing this says an awful lot about you.

Fact is children don't come with an instruction manual and as parents when a situation arises, we try to deal with it as best we can. I understand now, I could of dealt with it differently but in the heat of the moment I just snapped. Rude remarks from snobby OAP's who probably used a belt to discipline her children are also unhelpful.

hoodwinked

crazy_kenny wrote: »

Fact is children don't come with an instruction manual and as parents when a situation arises, we try to deal with it as best we can. I understand now, I could of dealt with it differently but in the heat of the moment I just snapped. Rude remarks from snobby OAP's who probably used a belt to discipline her children are also unhelpful.

you are making huge assumptions there, and then giving out because this pensioner did the same about you?


and while they don't come with an instruction manual i found parents on here really great for advice and support on how best to handle certain things, there are also people you can talk to if you find yourself snapping in the heat of the moment a lot?

jopax

Hi there, I just wanted to say that yes you could have reacted better than that to the woman.
The best thing would have been to politely tell her to mind her own business.
However I feel more for you than her, she had no right to speak to you or about your child like that.
You are only human and its easy in retrospect to see things differently. The whole experience probably took more out of you than her.
If I'm out anywhere no matter where and a child is acting up on their parents, I feel empathy for them not judgement. Its too easy to point the finger at people, walk in their shoes for a while springs to mind.
Try to have yourself prepared better in future to have something to say to any nasty busybodies like that.
Don't be too harsh on yourself, you didn't go out looking for that to happen, we all have bad days.

vibe666

crazy_kenny wrote: »

We all don't have the luxury of shopping delivered to the door. Both parents work during the week so the Saturday trip shopping is a family outing unfortunately.


While I don't particularly agree with everything you say, thanks for your input and other options I could have used.

sorry, but unless you live on an island off the coast, yes you do.

tesco, dunnes and supervalu all do online shopping with home deliveries pretty much anywhere in the country for less than it will cost you in petrol/diesel to get to the supermarket and back in the first place and it is specifically because we both work that we DO get shopping delivered, it leaves more time for fun stuff for all the family to do like go to the park or do something (anything) other than pushing them round a supermarket upset.

you clearly have it tougher than most parents, but we do all have our own problems and that is exactly why you need to think outside of the box and come up with novel solutions that fix your problems.

we had several weeks this year with both my wife and myself in leg casts, so with a 9 month old and a 3 year old, we were stretched a bit thin. you jut have to figure out what works and home deliveries were a godsend and even with us both (just about) fit again now, we still use them because it's easier than actually going to the shop. my wife does the online tesco shop on her phone sat in front of the telly in the evening after the kids are in bed.

other than that, we do lidl & aldi, but they are small and easy to nip round in a few minutes, compared to big supermarkets like tesco and dunnes etc.

Timberrrrrrrr

crazy_kenny wrote: »

My daughter is 3.5 yeas old and on Saturday last we were out doing the weekly shopping in the local supermarket. We usually do our shopping early on a Saturday morning but on this occasion it was after 4pm. At this stage of the day our daughter is pretty tired and irritable as she does not take a nap during the day anymore. She was a little loud and moaned for about 10 minutes.

During this time a number of other shoppers just looked at our daughter. However one old lady circa 70 years old said "Can't you shut that child up, she is like that the last hour. You need to discipline her." I was in shock as was my partner. I blurted out "mind your own business and moved on." My partner got upset as our daughter has an underlying medical condition and this lady questioned our parenting style.

We tried to continue on with our shopping as normal but our minds were elsewhere. The rage started to build inside me and after a few minutes I went back to confront this lady. I lost the head and f****d her out of it. Her daughter came to her aide and I f****d her out of it too. It felt great after doing this but I know it was not the correct thing to do. I was just so frustrated and annoyed.

Did this ever happen to you and how did you deal with it?

I think the only thing you did wrong was wait to rip into her fair play to you, take no notice of gob****es like her, i had one start with me last year on a bus, she got a swift "shut the **** up and mind your own business, you don't like his crying then get off at the next stop and get the next bus"

Funny thing is 4 stops later an auld one of about 80 was getting off and said "fair ****s to ya son, kids cry and feck all you can do about it" loud enough for the whole bus to hear

The whinger (in her 40's i reckon) went bright red

DredFX

JimBobPlayer wrote: »

Yes. Given the circumstances. Not ideal. But entirely understandable.

By that logic, I may as well say that I agree with the old woman for losing her patience with the noise generated from the child. Goes both ways.

Letting your anger get a hold of you is understandable, but it shouldn't be praised, regardless of whether or not your child is special needs.

December2012

In my view the only person who behaved acceptably was the 3 year old.

The 70 year old woman should not have commented as she did.

But you were way out of order to go back to her and f@&4 her and her daughter out of it.

You had time to wind down, you had time to ignore it, you had time to move on. Instead you behaved like you were an out of control, frustrated parent.

What did the woman's daughter do to deserve a tongue bashing?

You should have forgot it and moved on.

Yer Aul One

indigo twist wrote: »

Because you wouldn't have had the same physical advantage over him - you wouldn't have been able to intimidate him in the same way you were able to intimidate that little old lady.

jumping to conclusions that the lady was little. She could have played hooker for Ireland for all we know

indigo twist

Timberrrrrrrr wrote: »

I think the only thing you did wrong was wait to rip into her fair play to you, take no notice of gob****es like her, i had one start with me last year on a bus, she got a swift "shut the **** up and mind your own business, you don't like his crying then get off at the next stop and get the next bus"

Funny thing is 4 stops later an auld one of about 80 was getting off and said "fair ****s to ya son, kids cry and feck all you can do about it" loud enough for the whole bus to hear

The whinger (in her 40's i reckon) went bright red

Right, I'm new to this parenting business, but in my (admittedly limited) experience, my child cries because he wants/needs something. It's generally not too difficult to figure out what it is. So I sort him out. And he stops crying.

If I had a child who cried all the time for no reason, and all medical conditions were ruled out, to be honest I'd probably avoid public outings - who wants to have to put up with the noise of a bawling child? It's just not fair on anyone (and especially not fair on the child.) Do you think the child was enjoying it? Would it not have been sensible to have one parent bring the child for a walk out in the fresh air while the other parent was doing the shopping?

In your case, with the child on the bus, I have to admit I'd be a little bit upset if I saw a small child crying and the parent doing nothing. If it were my child, and if I were unable to settle him, I'd be apologising to the other passengers. I don't think it's fair to inflict that sort of noise on other passengers if it's avoidable. Maybe you should have gotten off at the next stop to give both you and the baby a bit of time and space to cool down? Instead of ordering the passenger to get off.

Mary63

Your child must have been really bad for other customers to be looking and for this older lady to pass a comment.One of you should have taken the child out,why didnt you.Hope you werent the same people in the cafe with a screaming three year old a couple of Saturdays ago,eventually the mother threatened to slap the child,very helpful I dont think.She like you should have removed the child until the moaning(probably screaming) stopped.
You had no right to verbally remove that ol woman,had you drink on you,is that why you didnt do the shopping earlier.How would you like your elderly relatives to be terrorised by a lowlife in their supermarket,you and your screaming child should have been removed from the store.
You are a bully,pick on someone your own age the next time.

Glinda

crazy_kenny wrote: »

I could of dealt with it differently but in the heat of the moment I just snapped...

But you didn't just snap in the heat of the moment, Did you? I mean that would have been kind of understandable. But what you did was went back and sought out the woman after the incident was over and done and you roared abuse and foul language at her and her daughter. I would find that terrifying and totally out of all proportion.

Ok, she was a nosey old biddy who should have kept her mouth shut. But your behaviour was completely out of order and she could undoubtedly have reported you to the police, especially if she found you threatening in any way.

Cop on to yourself and learn to control your temper or you'll have bigger problems on your hands than little old ladies making remarks in the supermarket.

Timberrrrrrrr

indigo twist wrote: »

Right, I'm new to this parenting business, but in my (admittedly limited) experience, my child cries because he wants/needs something. It's generally not too difficult to figure out what it is. So I sort him out. And he stops crying.

If I had a child who cried all the time for no reason, and all medical conditions were ruled out, to be honest I'd probably avoid public outings - who wants to have to put up with the noise of a bawling child? It's just not fair on anyone (and especially not fair on the child.) Do you think the child was enjoying it? Would it not have been sensible to have one parent bring the child for a walk out in the fresh air while the other parent was doing the shopping?

In your case, with the child on the bus, I have to admit I'd be a little bit upset if I saw a small child crying and the parent doing nothing. If it were my child, and if I were unable to settle him, I'd be apologising to the other passengers. I don't think it's fair to inflict that sort of noise on other passengers if it's avoidable. Maybe you should have gotten off at the next stop to give both you and the baby a bit of time and space to cool down? Instead of ordering the passenger to get off.

Children when they are tired will cry, my young lad was tired and the sooner i got him home the sooner he could sleep, i didn't "order" anyone off the bus i said she had the option if she chose to use it.

FurBabyMomma

I've heard of parents of children getting little cards printed to hand out to people like this old woman to explain their child has a medical condition. Wordlessly handing a card to her saying 'my child has Turner's Syndrome, please be patient' could be an effective way of letting people know the score without compromising your dignity. You can order business cards online for very little.

custom_build

crazy_kenny wrote: »

Fact is children don't come with an instruction manual and as parents when a situation arises, we try to deal with it as best we can.

The thing is you probably need an instruction manual for how to interact with other human beings in a dignified manner, not necessarily one on child rearing.

JimBobPlayer

custom_build wrote: »

The thing is you probably need an instruction manual for how to interact with other human beings in a dignified manner, not necessarily one on child rearing.

As does the interfering condescending bint of an OAP!

custom_build

JimBobPlayer wrote: »

As does the interfering condescending bint of an OAP!

True, but that doesn't make the op's reaction any less deplorable.

spurious

FurBabyMomma wrote: »

I've heard of parents of children getting little cards printed to hand out to people like this old woman to explain their child has a medical condition. Wordlessly handing a card to her saying 'my child has Turner's Syndrome, please be patient' could be an effective way of letting people know the score without compromising your dignity. You can order business cards online for very little.

Extraordinary thing to do if the child does not have a disability.

crazy_kenny

indigo twist wrote: »

Right, I'm new to this parenting business, but in my (admittedly limited) experience, my child cries because he wants/needs something. It's generally not too difficult to figure out what it is. So I sort him out. And he stops crying.

If I had a child who cried all the time for no reason, and all medical conditions were ruled out, to be honest I'd probably avoid public outings - who wants to have to put up with the noise of a bawling child? It's just not fair on anyone (and especially not fair on the child.) Do you think the child was enjoying it? Would it not have been sensible to have one parent bring the child for a walk out in the fresh air while the other parent was doing the shopping?

In your case, with the child on the bus, I have to admit I'd be a little bit upset if I saw a small child crying and the parent doing nothing. If it were my child, and if I were unable to settle him, I'd be apologising to the other passengers. I don't think it's fair to inflict that sort of noise on other passengers if it's avoidable. Maybe you should have gotten off at the next stop to give both you and the baby a bit of time and space to cool down? Instead of ordering the passenger to get off.

Who said that my daughter cries all the time? Actually this is the first time she was a bit upset doing the shopping. She usually helps putting the items in the trolley.

daUbiq

I blame the parents!

drumswan

If your kid is creating a disturbance in a public place and you can - remove them.

skallywag

I can see why you were seriously p!ssed off, and I think I would have reacted in a similar manner, though would be left feeling like a right clown about it afterwards!

crazy_kenny

Mary63 wrote: »

Your child must have been really bad for other customers to be looking and for this older lady to pass a comment.One of you should have taken the child out,why didnt you.Hope you werent the same people in the cafe with a screaming three year old a couple of Saturdays ago,eventually the mother threatened to slap the child,very helpful I dont think.She like you should have removed the child until the moaning(probably screaming) stopped.
You had no right to verbally remove that ol woman,had you drink on you,is that why you didnt do the shopping earlier.How would you like your elderly relatives to be terrorised by a lowlife in their supermarket,you and your screaming child should have been removed from the store.
You are a bully,pick on someone your own age the next time.

You have some cheek lady. None of your business why we didn't do the shopping earlier and no I didn't have drink on me.

skallywag

Mary63 wrote: »

...had you drink on you,is that why you didnt do the shopping earlier...

:rolleyes: FFS! :rolleyes: