Dealing with first time parents Re: Kids playing in the estate

Shiraz 4.99

The day comes when your kid turns 4 or 5 & wants to be allowed out play with the other kids in the estate.
Our 3rd child has now proved himself trustworthy enough to be allowed out on the green without full-time supervision, his brother & sister have been out years playing with all the neighbours kids.
Anyway, our youngest struck one of the other newbie kids over some toy & the mother has gone mental, claiming she can't sleep with the anxiety & she's distraught.
Now this would have happened countless times with the other kids over the years & none of the other parents have battered an eyelid.
Normally a 24 hour grounding for striking & a stern talking to gets the message across.
Problem with this neighbour is this is her first child & this is the worst thing that has ever happened, now she's talking about playtime adult supervision & barring older kids playing with younger.
I've bitten my tongue so far but I fear I won't hold out forever, other neighbours think the whole thing is a hoot & keep cracking jokes about it.
Silliest thing is the kids were back playing after my lads grounding & get on great.
Please make this annoying woman go away !!!

pwurple

Let her rabbit on... nod understandingly, and do nothing.

It'll blow over.

Big Bag of Chips

You can nod sympathetically and use the line... "We've always vowed to never fall out with another parent about a row between kids. Because the kids will be back playing together the next day, and there'll still be bad feeling between the parents."

How many kids has she? She'll mellow after a while!

Shiraz 4.99

pwurple wrote: »

Let her rabbit on... nod understandingly, and do nothing.

It'll blow over.

She's FB messaged the wife asking if anyone could supervise the green this evening, her daughter won't even be out playing as they are away ffs

Shiraz 4.99

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

How many kids has she? She'll mellow after a while!

This is the problem, it's her first, by the time she has 2 or 3 she won't care if there's bombs going off, looks like she missed out on parenting 101 but as our kid was in the wrong she's a long leash.

Gatling

Shiraz 4.99 wrote: »

She's FB messaged the wife asking if anyone could supervise the green this evening, her daughter won't even be out playing as they are away ffs

A little ott

Blingy

I think I would ignore her. You are happy with your kids if she wants to watch hers then let her off.

Ficheall

Big Bag of Chips

The general rule is, if you want your child supervised you supervise them! If her child is out playing then it's her responsibility to supervise. If her child isn't out playing then what happens doesn't concern her!

I would either ignore her, or "teach" her. Explain that these things happen with kids, and it's quickly forgotten.

I'd probably lose patience with her though and just go the ignore route!

cbyrd

Em, first things first. It is not your responibility to mind anyones elses child. They are playing in an open public place, no different to a playground. I'd let her know under no circumstances are you supervising or taking responiblity for another child and leaviing yourself open to the ramifications of an accident or worse. If she wants her kids out on the green then she minds them. They are not your responibility. If your child fell over under her 'supervision' and broke an arm would she be comfortable being blamed for inadequate supervision? Would she have the insurance to cover taking on that role? They're kids ffs they're going to batter each other, its part of growing up! Turn it back on her see what she thinks about the down side of her idea!

deisemum

I'd ignore her. Let her supervise her own child. If she's like this in your estate I pity the school her child is going to or will go to every time another child does something to her precious first born.

Whispered

I don't think the mother in question is asking the OP to supervise all the children, just her own because she hit the other child.

Also, as someone with no kids (pregnant at the moment) I don't think 4 is old enough to be out without active supervision. We are plagued with small kids in our garden, looking in our windows, chasing our cat, asking if they can come in, knocking the door at 9am on a sunday to tell us there is a bird on our roof etc etc. These are kids left under the "supervision" or their older brothers and sisters.

Shiraz 4.99

I've seen some parents let 3 year olds out. One of them played X's & O's with a stone on my car. Parents offered to pay for a respray in fairness but I let it slide. 4 is the very minimum as far as I'm concerned.

Whispered

x's and o's :eek: fair play for letting it slide! I wouldn't be so understanding. I'm even annoyed about the fact we have to keep repairing our fence thanks to the neighbours kids climbing over them to look in our window!

We had that problem with unsupervised babies here too, years ago a little boy still in nappies and an open vest ran up the garden and grabbed onto my dogs tail while I was bringing him into the house. Dog is a big fella and didn't react, but it could have been a disaster. No supervision at all on the kid except his sister who was about 7 calling him from the end of the road.

Funnily enough it's a really nice estate, nice place to bring kids up I'd say (and will find out soon) but I'd be reluctant to let a child out until they're old enough to understand how you must behave when out unsupervised. I'm not sure how old they are before they get the concept of "not bothering" people.

January

My kids are warned to stay in our garden, if they don't they get brought in, simple as. We don't have a green outside our house, it's a road, about 10/15 cars a day would go up and down but I still don't want them out. Other parents aren't as strict and I know kids come from around the corner to play with ours in our garden.

Let her supervise her own kid, and if your child does something again you just carry on dealing with it the way you do already.

Whispered

January wrote: »

Let her supervise her own kid, and if your child does something again you just carry on dealing with it the way you do already.

Just on this, I can see the logic of course, but if the mother was supervising her child and someone elses child hit them, what would be the appropriate way for the mother to react? (Genuine question, as I really haven't a clue!)

Autonomous

Her her to cop on, imagine what she'd be like if her kid picked up a cut if you were supervising... WWW3

January

Mother could tell the parent the child hit her child. I'd only really do this if I knew I could approach the parent about it and they'd act accordingly, I wouldn't if I knew they thought butter wouldn't melt in little Johnnie's mouth. I just tell the child not to hit again and remove my child from the situation.

lynski

oh we are in the same sh1t here. we have a girl who is older then the other kids who all play out and an only child too,
we are out (3 other moms) watching the little ones (3 x 3yr olds, 2 x 5 yr olds, the other 7 r olds go off and play away). This older girl, 7, comes out and joins the 2 five yr olds and winds them up so she gets hit sometimes, or she gets words usually and normally the 5 yr old boy ends up going in as she isolates my 5 yr old from him. She also does this with the 3 yr olds. She is the only child who is not acting in an age appropriate way.
If it is just my daughter and her no worries they play away and are best friends, calling each other sisters and such, having dinner here and often coming to the playground with us.
Her parents never supervise them, and last week attacked verbally the other parents about how their children were badly behaved and hurting their daughter, really went at them shouting and screaming.
they went out and collected up all the sticks and stones too to stop the kids getting hurt.
You are right OP is is horrible, and we are making jokes and other neighbors too, but we are looking over our shoulders.
Now we are all walking on eggshells, she has told my daughter her mother said she is not allowed to play with the boys from the other family, next door to her!, and also the 3yr old girl 2 doors away. she does anyway and now the mother is loudly announcing that she can play with who she likes but as she is not talking to the other parents now we dont know.
I can see my daughter is getting stressed as she does not know who to play with and i think she is thinking her friend could be barred from playing with her now.
really hoping it blows over as it is making things very tense here. I get on with all the parents and they are still talking to me, I am not sure how I would react if they came to my door, but I am not taking rubbish from them.
I have no probs breaking up ids fights, but we always laugh about it afterwards. hope the peace can be restored as it was pretty idyllic for the children before all this.

dub_skav

I know that a bit of rough and tumble among kids is to be expected, but on the detail actually shared in the OP I don't know how anyone can be sure the other mother is in the wrong.

"Now this would have happened countless times with the other kids over the years", I take from that, that your children have struck others countless times? That sounds a bit concerning
Also, you make no mention of an apology by either you or your child.

These things may well have been handled perfectly by the OP, but from the actual detail provided I am baffled that everybody has come to the conclusion that the other mother is overreacting.

Shiraz 4.99

dub_skav wrote: »

I know that a bit of rough and tumble among kids is to be expected, but on the detail actually shared in the OP I don't know how anyone can be sure the other mother is in the wrong.

My kid hit her kid on the head with a plastic boat, once, while they were pulling at it.

dub_skav wrote: »

"Now this would have happened countless times with the other kids over the years", I take from that, that your children have struck others countless times? That sounds a bit concerning
Also, you make no mention of an apology by either you or your child.

Maybe once a month there's a hitting incident on the green, it's been years since my kids were involved in one. Standard punishment is 24 hour grounding.

dub_skav wrote: »

These things may well have been handled perfectly by the OP, but from the actual detail provided I am baffled that everybody has come to the conclusion that the other mother is overreacting.

The mother's reaction causes a greater nuisance that the original crime.
Parents who live in estates normally become well versed with disciplining their child when in the wrong.
They also become very canny at preventing their home becoming the flop house for the estate & shutting up kids who taddle tale on each other.

Whispered

Shiraz 4.99 wrote: »

The mother's reaction causes a greater nuisance that the original crime.
Parents who live in estates normally become well versed with disciplining their child when in the wrong.
They also become very canny at preventing their home becoming the flop house for the estate & shutting up kids who taddle tale on each other.

To you, the other mother is obviously not used to it so it's a bigger deal to her. If she's a first time mother go easy on her - we worry and fret about everything. And I haven't even given birth yet!!

I have to say that the last line of your post actually made my stomach lurch. How many kids endure bullying and abuse due to attitudes like that? "shut up, don't tell tales" etc. I hope I read it wrong.

lynski

Whispered wrote: »

To you, the other mother is obviously not used to it so it's a bigger deal to her. If she's a first time mother go easy on her - we worry and fret about everything. And I haven't even given birth yet!!

I have to say that the last line of your post actually made my stomach lurch. How many kids endure bullying and abuse due to attitudes like that? "shut up, don't tell tales" etc. I hope I read it wrong.

I read her last line as 'tommy hit meeeeee' 'johnny is looking at me' that sort of stuff rather than keeping quiet about things.

Whispered

Surely kids are too young to differentiate between things they should "taddle tale" about and things they should "shut up" about. Creating a feeling of not being able to tell me if something happens, however small, is not something I can see myself doing. Although As I mentioned, I've not had mine yet so haven't had to deal with it in a real life situation so it could be naivety!!

I would have thought that it's really important for kids to feel like they can approach an adult if something is bothering them without being seen as a "taddle tale".

I'm Not trying to start an argument or anything but really an adult even using the term "taddle tale" just seems wrong.

Chocolate fiend

Telling tales is my least favourite part of parenting and there are lots and lots of other parts. I hate kids who tell tales, there is always one in a group. One who has to come and report every incident, and trying her (usually) best to get the others into trouble. Telling tales is a lot different to your own child knowing that they can in fact tell you anything and that you will always listen. Tell tales are like the boy who called wolf, you just stop listening to them after a while.

Whispered

I guess there is an element of naivety then that might change as my child grows up. It begs the question though how you teach a child the difference.

lynski

I try to encourage them as much as possible to sort out things between themselves, even if they come with tales you have to get them to try. The irher day the little one in the post above ran to her mom with a tales, then ran back to the group, when I went to check if what she was saying was true all three children involved said no, then later my daughter said actually the little boy had threatened the other one. So you can't fallout with other parents about kids tales because they can lie, misinterpret, mishear; etc.

Big Bag of Chips

Whispered, you will find it sorts itself out with age (the child's) and experience (yours). When they are small you need to step in to teach them about sharing, not hitting etc. As they get older you need to step back and allow them to use the skills you are trying to teach them. They will get to an age where telling you that such-a-one did such-a-thing becomes telling tales. And you will start either ignoring the tales, because they are rarely that serious, or you will start telling them to go out and sort it out themselves.

You also get pretty good at spotting the kids who are likely to cause more than the average trouble that kids do. Your child will also get good at spotting them. This is when it is ok to tell your child that they don't have to do anything they are not happy with, or they can come to you and tell you anything that is upsetting them etc.

They will then get to an age where they'll tell you nothing anyway... And at that stage you just hope that they have accumulated a nice group of friends who they will talk to instead!

LegacyUser

Shiraz 4.99 wrote: »

Anyway, our youngest struck one of the other newbie kids over some toy & the mother has gone mental, claiming she can't sleep with the anxiety & she's distraught. Please make this annoying woman go away !!!

Did you reassure the child's mother that you have 'handled' the incident, e.g. by explaining to your child that hitting is wrong and for example taking away a favourite toy for a day as punishment? I would say the reason she is over reacting is that she thinks you are taking the matter too lightly.

I personally wouldn't let my kids away with that type of behaviour and would make efforts to ensure it didn't happen again. I've seen other children hit mine and snatch toys away from them and it angers me to my very core to see their parents ignore the behaviour.

Shiraz 4.99

There is a certain irony in starting a thread about the frustration of dealing with over precious Helen Lovejoys which gets taken over by the self same people.

For those posters who properly understood my argument I thank you for your contributions.
To the rest of you I leave this thread for you to populate with 10 pages of nonsense on "has the child emotional needs been fully considered" to the eventual "perhaps a reconciliation forum should be setup to allow the mother vent her concerns".

Once you have 3 kids, 2 jobs & a volunteer group to run you'll understand my glibness.

Big Bag of Chips

galjagl wrote: »

I've seen other children hit mine and snatch toys away from them and it angers me to my very core to see their parents ignore the behaviour.

And that's another skill you need to teach your children... How to deal with people who aren't as nice and as considerate as they are!

Do you go over to those parents and point out that what they are doing is wrong, and they should be better parents and teach their children to be nicer people? Or do you grit your teeth and ignore it?! Teaching children to walk away from things and let something go is also a necessary skill. The world is not always a nice friendly place, where mam will follow you around fixing your little encounters.

It's a balancing act, between teaching your child to be nice, but also to stand up for themselves. While they learn they will sometimes get it wrong.. And maybe "stand up for themselves" when it's not needed. But eventually they all figure it out.