My husband, his co-workers ,company & sex

amdublin

Please please stop letting this man rule and ruin your life.

Have nothing more to do with him - and that includes going to his work. I am afraid that does make you look a bit "loopy". AND it's not actually helping you or helping you get answers from him. As you said he's stonewalling you

Instead turn to people who can and will help you:
A solicitor - communicate with him only through your solicitor.
Rather than you writing to his board/company (please don't!!!!) your solicitor could write to him that you will be reporting him to the police (if this is the correct thing to do).
A therapist - rather than talking to his colleagues talk to someone who will help you.

Emme

Gio2000 wrote: »

@ Guessed. It was my solicitor here who told me that i a breadwinner be it woman or man leaves the family without money i.e abandon them with no support it is a criminal offence and can be reported to the police. This is not something I wish to do but if I have no money to pay rent or buy food it seems I don't have any other choice. I have no family to support me throuhgout this ordeal.No siblings or parents. I can relay very temporarily on friends but that isn't really something I want to have to do. My H is swanning around Dublin no doubt with a new woman on his arm whilst I sit a worry if I'm going to have roof over my head. We have no house here or in Ireland his only asset is the company I helped him build.

From reading this entire thread your husband sounds like he engineered the situation for years and is a master of strategy. He took your inheritance to set up his business. He may have waited until he moved abroad and you were in a new unfamiliar country before he left you so would feel less confident and have less leverage in the situation.

You have only one card to play now and even if you don't want you have to - tell the police. Get good legal advice in Ireland and where you are now.

Gio2000 wrote: »

He took my inheritance ( another story gave it for his business ) so it has taken me triple the time to get my business off the ground.i have no family in Ireland. I do have the children and that is the only thing that keeps me going.

Now is not the time to think of your reputation or the reputation of your husbands business which he funded with your money. Do you have shares or any other interest in the business? I hope you do after sinking your inheritance into it. The dark suspicious side of my mind is saying this man married you to get his hands on your inheritance so he could use it for his own ends. He has not behaved honourably towards you at any stage.

You owe him nothing.

Your marriage is over and has been over for a long time.

Your are responsible for yourself and your children now. What a horrible thing for them to witness you being dragged out of your ex-husband's workplace by security!

His next move could be to say you are crazy and an unfit parent so be very careful because he might want to get custody of the children and take them from you. If you contact his company in any way you are playing into his hands.

As I said before, your only option is to contact the police. Tell them your husband has left you and you have no money to pay rent and buy food for your children. If you do not do this and your ex-husband is planning to get the children from you then this will go against you big time.

Wake up because you are at war.

Gio2000

Thankyou Emme,Yes, I agree it probably has been engineered by him for years, more than likely.I don't have shares in the company but he did put me down as a director of a subsidery. It doesn't seem to create profit as I looked on solocheck before as my solicitor here has asked for this information. Tbh. I have not a huge amount of faith in solicitors when they already know you haven't a pot to piss in, excuse my french.Because they are there to make money. I think I need a hotshot back in Dublin who wants something to get their teeth into. I just don't know how to find them. I never moved in the same social circles my H did. The Residence or Stephens green club or Liilis ,because I was either pregnant and half dying or looking after the children.I do need help with this but where do I find it.

Emme

Gio2000 wrote: »

Thankyou Emme,Yes, I agree it probably has been engineered by him for years, more than likely.I don't have shares in the company but he did put me down as a director of a subsidery. It doesn't seem to create profit as I looked on solocheck before as my solicitor here has asked for this information. Tbh. I have not a huge amount of faith in solicitors when they already know you haven't a pot to piss in, excuse my french.Because they are there to make money. I think I need a hotshot back in Dublin who wants something to get their teeth into. I just don't know how to find them. I never moved in the same social circles my H did. The Residence or Stephens green club or Liilis ,because I was either pregnant and half dying or looking after the children.I do need help with this but where do I find it.

Forget hotshot solicitors in Ireland, you might have to seek free legal aid the way things are going and there's nothing wrong with that.

Your only option now is to go to the police where you are. They will not be impressed by a man who has abandoned his wife and two children in a foreign country and left them without money. So go to the police and take it from there.

You sound very trusting despite all your husband has done over the years. Why didn't you ask for more involvement in his company if you gave him your inheritance to set it up? The subsidiary is probably a smoke screen of sorts and you might not get anything out of it. You need to wake up fast for your children's sake if not your own.

Big Bag of Chips

If you can't stand the thought of fighting this on your own behalf, think of it a getting what he owes his children. If you haven't much money, then hiring a solicitor and then going ahead and ignoring their advice is a pretty big waste of money and time!

This is all a huge shock for you. You are bound to be all over the place. You have never had to handle anything like this before.. Your solicitor handles numerous cases like yours on a daily basis. Trust that they know better than you how to move forward.

My heart goes out to you. You must be going through so much now, and your only crime in all of this was to be a dutiful wife. You and your children deserve better. The day will come when what he thinks of you, or what he says about you won't matter a damn. The day may also come when you realise what a pathetic petty man he is, and you may even feel sorry for him. For now, while you are not in a position to think straight, trust someone to think for you.

Gio2000

My solicitor got an email form my H today. He basically said he wanted to deal with him directly to save money. He went on to say that he is now very concerned for our childrens welfare becuase he hasn't seen them in two months! He has made any effort to see them he went to Asia last week for a photo op. I am really worried now that he is going to go down the road of saying I'm unfit. How can I get the truth of the matter out in the open before it's too late and he convinces others ! He also wants to have access but has no place to take them here and now for obvious reasons I can't trust him with them, who knows what he will say !

Stavro Mueller

What has your solicitor got to say about this? Whatever you do, don't even think about saying anything to anyone about clearing your name etc. I don't want to be horrible here but some of your ideas and actions on this thread don't put you in a good light. You're understandably extremely stressed and quite frankly, I think your sense of judgement's not what it should be. In short, leave all of this to your solicitor and keep your mouth shut.

Gio2000

So I am supposed to let him sling the mud until it sticks ? How can I go back to Dublin and hold my head high or start my business ? What if he decides to try to manipulate the children ? He is capable of anything. The solicitor here hasn't said how he is going to address it yet but legally is seems hard to stop him giving a false impression of me.

eviltwin

OP have you looked at the legal situation if you do return home? Here if a parent takes a child out of the country it can be considered kidnapping. Just check everything out before you make any plans.

Emme

Gio2000 wrote: »

My solicitor got an email form my H today. He basically said he wanted to deal with him directly to save money. He went on to say that he is now very concerned for our childrens welfare becuase he hasn't seen them in two months! He has made any effort to see them he went to Asia last week for a photo op. I am really worried now that he is going to go down the road of saying I'm unfit. How can I get the truth of the matter out in the open before it's too late and he convinces others ! He also wants to have access but has no place to take them here and now for obvious reasons I can't trust him with them, who knows what he will say !

Did your solicitor ask your ex-husband if he was going to pay bills, rent, etc.?

It you had gone to the police as your solicitor suggested you might be in a stronger position now. Try to calm down and follow your solicitor's advice. If you are a fit parent you have at least an equal chance of getting custody. Your children's needs are uppermost so you would have to be willing to let your ex-husband have reasonable access if he is a fit parent. His fidelity or lack of same has no bearing on this.

Good luck and try to stay calm.

dellas1979

Gio2000 wrote: »

So I am supposed to let him sling the mud until it sticks ?

Do you not get this? He is antagonising you.

He cant accuse you of anything without proof OP.

The mud will only stick if you do start acting like a lunatic (writing letters to his company etc). Thats why posters here have advised you to say away from him/communication from him.

How does a piranha react to a drop of blood?

Let your solicitor talk to him/his solicitor.

Gio2000 wrote: »

How can I go back to Dublin and hold my head high or start my business ?

Are you for real? I mean, really? In the situation you are in now...really? Your priority should be to hold your head high in dealing with him, right now.

Gio2000 wrote: »

legally is seems hard to stop him giving a false impression of me.

He cant just say "X is a bad mother" OP. Legally, he is the one that has to prove it.

Is there evidence that you are a bad parent? Are the kids missing school? Are you are threat to yourself (or to them) - are you unstable due to all of this (this is why you need to keep your wits about you now and not do anything irrational and feed him that drop of blood), do you beat them? Do you leave them unattended? Are they starving with the hunger (and you cant feed them?). Have you stopped him seeing them? These are the types of things that he will need to try and prove OP.

Gio2000

No, of course it's not my biggest fear,but I would like to be able make sure that people know the truth because if you are starting a business credibility and reputation are key to success of it.
If I could start this business I would have some control back of my life that's all. At this moment in time I feel like I have no voice or control.
Right now one of my biggest fears it that because I stayed to long the children are affected.So I also feel guilty and quite naive.
I'm sure my H will say that he will pay bills if I give him joint custody and access whenever he wants but I don't feel at the moment that would be a good idea right away.

dellas1979

Gio2000 wrote: »

No, of course it's not my biggest fear,but I would like to be able make sure that people know the truth because if you are starting a business credibility and reputation are key to success of it.

The truth always comes out OP. Not now, not tomorrow. Not next week...in time. It always does. Patience. You have to keep your wits about you right now and deal with the situation in front of you.

Gio2000 wrote: »

I'm sure my H will say that he will pay bills if I give him joint custody and access whenever he wants but I don't feel at the moment that would be a good idea right away.

Unfortunately, that is not your choice. You can fight all you want with him. But he is still their father. Unless he is a threat (like in some way I mentioned above), he does have a right to see his children. No matter how badly he has treated you. You cant use the kids like a piece of monopoly because "you dont feel like he should see them".

For your own sake, regarding him seeing the kids, I would again do everything through your solicitor (what ever agreement you both come to). You know, if you stop him from seeing them altogether (regardless of how you feel towards him), it can be seen as you obstructing him, and it may not go your way. Unfortunately, a judge cant take into consideration how he treated you, cheating etc (on a personal level they might). But in law, they are looking for the best interests of the children.

Esel

Gio2000 wrote: »

My solicitor got an email form my H today. He basically said he wanted to deal with him directly to save money.

It's good that your solicitor informed you of this contact. I hope he told your husband, in no uncertain terms, not to contact him/her directly again, and that all further contact must be via his own solicitor.

Classic 'divide and conquer' attempt on your husband's part.

njs030

Why are you trying to stop him seeing the children? They are his as much as yours and you have no right to stop them having a relationship with their father.

I don't understand why you expect him to pay your bills and support the children and you but won't allow joint custody. Is he an abusive parent? Is he a danger to them?
If you care so much about what people think hold your head high and put your children first, that's what will show people your true, good nature.

amdublin

Esel wrote: »

It's good that your solicitor informed you of this contact. I hope he told your husband, in no uncertain terms, not to contact him/her directly again, and that all further contact must be via his own solicitor.

Classic 'divide and conquer' attempt on your husband's part.

This is an excellent point
communication should be solicitor to solicitor full stop.

If your solicitor is talking with you, then talking to him it's practically a conflict of interest.

P's. Holding you head up high and not doing anything crazy will prove in the long run the things he is saying are not true. Doing crazy things will only make people believe him. What he is saying are only words, your actions are Le more important.

Caprica6

Sorry to say but I think your husband is the mentally defective one...what a coward with no balls. ...don't let him walk all over you and if he's bad mouthing you take the higher ground and ignore it. Chances are his co workers either know what he is like but since hes boss don't want to rock the boat. I suggest you move near or in with family until you find your feet. Avoid him altogether but if the bills are not been paid arrange to meet calmy at his work (call prior) to talk about the kids since you may be moving avoid any rowing so yoh can show up and calmy publicly shame him . ...but then press infront of his colleagues that you need money for the children that are his that he has neglected to givs you any money for there keeping. Then you need to divorce him and take half. ...what a rotten man.....you will do better though

Gio2000

Totally see what everyone is saying about not engaging with him.You are right. It's very hard as I know how he operates. Things have to get sorted soon though as the gas has been cut off and the Land lady is still waiting for her rent. We're having cold showers while he goes to lunch in The Shelbourne.

Meauldsegosha

Caprica6 wrote: »

Avoid him altogether but if the bills are not been paid arrange to meet calmy at his work (call prior) to talk about the kids since you may be moving avoid any rowing so yoh can show up and calmy publicly shame him . ...but then press infront of his colleagues that you need money for the children that are his that he has neglected to givs you any money for there keeping. Then you need to divorce him and take half. ...what a rotten man.....you will do better though

Do not do this. You have a solicitor now so use him to communicate with your husband. If you go to his work you will not be in control of the situation, emotions will get in the way and you will give your husband ammunition to use against you.

Taltos

OP - knowing someone who has and is going through similar manipulation I am going to be blunt here.

1. Communicate ONLY through your solicitor - NO MATTER WHAT - trust me, he will manipulate, lie, deceive to get a reaction to prove his case. You staying quiet is the best thing to do and will drive him crazy.
2. Keep ALL communication - text or otherwise and make safe backups.
3. Figure out what you want and work with your solicitor to get it, don't wait or hesitate.
4. Get friends / family around you - you need emotional support.
5. Counselling - find someone to talk and vent to asap - weekly at first if not more frequently and then less often.
6. Believe in yourself - this will be a tough fight, one of the worst you may have to face but if you stay strong, follow the advice and don't slip up you'll win it.
7. Children - get advice here asap - you don't want him winning custody or taking them out of the country - protect yourself from all possibilities here.
8. Read 1 again a few times...

Typer Monkey

Could you move home to ireland OP while this is being sorted out? Familiar surroundings might be more comforting and the legal system would probably be clearer. Have you family or friends here who could help you with the air fare and put you up til you get sorted. If the rent and your utilities are not being paid you could find yourself in a very difficult position abroad.

Neyite

Remember OP, every time he goads you, he wants a reaction from you. He wants you to turn up irate at his work with the kids in tow so that it proves his lies. So that he can point at you and nod to his colleagues and say "see? that's why I want custody of my children. Thats why I left her"

Every time you react to one of his set-ups, you play right into his hands.

So dont. Get a diary, and log everything in it. Or, set up an email account and send diary entries to yourself to keep them secure. Never respond or react, no matter what he does or says - for three reasons, the first I've outlined above, and secondly, he gets feedback on what is hurting and scaring you, and can ramp up the threats in that area. Thirdly, your silence will drive him nuts. Your silence is your biggest weapon, as is your paper trail of all the money you gave him historically, and how short he left you now.

Work with your solicitor to set up access through the courts. Work with they system. Do they have contact centres in your country? if so, use those for visits and handovers instead, because it gives him less oppertunity to manipulate you.

Op, sadly you are not the first spouse to be manipulated into poverty in order for the other to take everything, and you probably wont be the last either. But, by going through the solicitor and courts, they will take a very dim view of someone who lives the high life while their children barely have a roof over their heads. His day WILL come. And a judge will give him a bollocking for what he is doing, and you will be right there to see it.

Are there any charities that can help you for now? Similar to the SVdP? or social welfare assistance? These will help you and your children, and further proves how high and dry he left you and your children.

Look, he can say what he likes. But his lies wont add up. None of us even doubt you for a second. And his colleagues wont believe everything either. Crazy people dont hire solicitors, or make applications to the court to try to work out fair access and maintenance payments. My ex spread it around that I was crazy when we split. One or two stupid idiots believed him, no loss really. But the rest saw it for what it was - a messy split with someone badmouthing the other person.

Emme

Gio2000 wrote: »

Totally see what everyone is saying about not engaging with him.You are right. It's very hard as I know how he operates. Things have to get sorted soon though as the gas has been cut off and the Land lady is still waiting for her rent. We're having cold showers while he goes to lunch in The Shelbourne.

I said before that your ex husband is a master of strategy and suggested that his next move would be to try and prove that you are an unfit parent. He set up throwing you out of work so that he can say you are crazy and have witnesses from his workplace. This is how dirty his tactics are and this is why you MUST only communicate with him through your solicitor.

He seems.to be representing himself "to save money" :rolleyes: as a tactic to get away with paying minimal maintenance. He may be cooking his books to achieve this end. By the sounds of things he is a machiavellian character well capable of representing himself but a good solicitor will eventually trip him up. However this may take time as you need to give these types enough rope to hang themselves, so to speak.

Keep copies of all correspondence whether this is from your landlady, your gas company or your doctor. I'm sure the children are very traumatised from it all. If you put your career on the back burner to support your husband and raise his children it shows that you are a good parent.

Could you move in with family or friends for the time being? Your ex- husband may well have isolated you from friends and family over the years to weaken your position. This is abuse.

paperclip2

OP you've mentioned that your solicitor has said what your husband has done in leaving you and your children destitute is a crime in that country then if you go to the police that's a very visible black mark against him from a custody point of view. Can your solicitor write a letter for you that you can bring to the police detailing what's happened so far? The police might be more likely to treat it seriously if you have the situation documented by a legal professional. Also just to echo what the other posters have said, do not speak to your husband directly about any pertinent issues. Let your solicitor do that. If you have to speak to him at all keep it perfectly polite. It will drive him bananas if he cant get a reaction out of you. Also if he isn't getting the reaction he expects he might be a little more cautious in trying to push your buttons and more amenable to making an agreement.

Also as regards holding your head high and how the world views your husband just consider the depth of disgust at his actions on this forum. The bare facts of what he's done, walked out, left you and your children with no money, in danger of becoming homeless, well, they don't cover him in any glory. A judge will see that. All you need to do to come out of this well is maintain your composure, ignore any attempts he makes to rile you and let your solicitor deal with his crap. It will be tough but in the long-term its worth it.
Best of luck OP.

Yarf Yarf

Sometimes divorce gets ugly and this sounds like it's going to be a particularly dirty fight. You need to be prepared for that and hold fast. This guy is going to try every trick in the book to manipulate you, trip you up, make you lose the run of yourself. He's probably going to try and pull a fast one on your solicitor too. However, unlike you, your solicitor isn't emotionally involved and shouldn't fall for any of it. These characters who think they're pure slick usually dig their own graves eventually when faced with a half decent solicitor. Cut the line of communication, let your solicitor do the talking. It will infuriate your husband and also redress the power balance.

It's not the time to be worrying about what people will think of you. You need to do the right thing by yourself and your children, and forget about everyone else. The truth has a way of surfacing and if you get what's yours from these legal proceedings, half of Dublin won't be long figuring out exactly who and what he is, if they don't already know.

I also don't believe his concern for his children is real for second. He was happy to tear the stability of their home life apart and manipulate their mother and leave them in a precarious living situation with no money and hardly a place to live, and now suddenly he's worried about their well-being? He sounds like a sociopath, frankly.

Gio2000

No, I don't think his concern for his children is real. If it was why did he turn up unannounced at our children's school the other day.
He arrived like the Piped Piper with a big duffle bag filled with treats.
I saw him out of the corner of my eye while I was chatting to some Mothers I know who speak english.He saw our youngest who was playing with a friend. She ran over to see what he had in the bag and then my eldest came out but she told me she wanted to go to the car.
She just felt embarrassed. She didn't want a scene neither did I. Thankfully we all left without much ado but he seriously wasn't thinking about the children. My eldest was mortified and worried something would happen in front of her friends and parents.
I had told him via an email sent by my Lawyer that we would sort out access once all the problems with rent and bills had been resolved. I re-offered the video chat option which he has taken over the last two occasions and I feel I am doing what is fair right now considering the circumstances. We still have know idea if he is going to pay the rent or anything.

If I am honest here I don't feel he is a good influence and uses our children as a boost just for his ego, nothing more. I've had husband envy for many years seeing how much time other guys spend with their kids and how they geniunely enjoy it. This is just torture for me knowing he feels like they are accessories.I know that is all I was too.
He contacted my lawyer and asked to see him in private before we are to meet next week. I didn't want to meet him at all without his own lawyer but given the circumstances I thought I better just capitulate and see what happens. Dreading it.

Rubberchikken

He will continue to control you as long as you allow it.

Soneday you will realise what type of person he is, until then it seems to me you will continue to jump at his every request

Big Bag of Chips

Sounds like he is also trying to engage your solicitor, "to save a bit of money." You pay the solicitor and he uses him. I do hope your solicitor isn't an eejit.

Yarf Yarf

Yeah, I'd keep an eye on the situation with the solicitor. He should really be only communicating with your husband through your husband's solicitor. If you feel like this solicitor is somehow being influenced by your husband, I'd change solicitor immediately and go with someone else.

Esel

Yarf Yarf wrote: »

Yeah, I'd keep an eye on the situation with the solicitor. He should really be only communicating with your husband through your husband's solicitor. If you feel like this solicitor is somehow being influenced by your husband, I'd change solicitor immediately and go with someone else.

This would be a big warning flag to me too.

Imo, the closest contact your solicitor should be having with your husband is via written correspondence only. If your husband gets a private meeting with your solicitor, how do you know what will happen, given your husband's manipulative nature and wealth?

Mr. Incognito

Your solicitor should decline such a meeting. If your husband is not represented then thats his tough.

Yarf Yarf

Yeah, I'm not sure how professional it is for the solicitor to be privately meeting with the person you're about to have a messy divorce with. I'd bring this up with your solicitor and make sure he knows about your husband's manipulative nature and ask why he isn't communicating with him through another solicitor. These off-record conversations don't seem like a good idea.

Big Bag of Chips

By the way, keep in mind your solicitor works for you. You instruct him on what you want him to do. He then advises you how to go about getting what is best for you. What has your solicitor said about this private meeting. You can instruct him not to meet with your husband if you wish... Talk to him (solicitor) and see what he says about the whole situation. But I would think it a conflict of interests, and maybe even jeopardising his professional reputation to be meeting the soon to be ex husband of his client in private.

Emme

Yarf Yarf wrote: »

Yeah, I'm not sure how professional it is for the solicitor to be privately meeting with the person you're about to have a messy divorce with. I'd bring this up with your solicitor and make sure he knows about your husband's manipulative nature and ask why he isn't communicating with him through another solicitor. These off-record conversations don't seem like a good idea.

I don't know what the rules are for the Law Society in the country where you live but in Ireland there are rules regarding conflict of interest. This is taken from page 17 of this link:
http://www.lawsociety.ie/Documents/committees/conduct-guide.pdf

3.1 GENERAL
A solicitor should not act where there is a conflict of interest.
3.2 CONFLICT OF INTEREST BETWEEN TWO CLIENTS
If a solicitor, acting with ordinary care, would give different advice to different clients
about the same matter, there is a conflict of interest between the clients, and the solicitor
should not act for both. The solicitor is also likely to have a conflict if either client could
reasonably take exception to what the other client has asked the solicitor to do.

If your ex-husband is asking to see your solicitor "off the record" he may be trying to trip him up. I hope your solicitor this ruse and only agrees to talk to your ex-husband through another solicitor. It might be no harm to ask what the rules are regarding to "conflict of interest" in the country where you are at the moment.

So far your ex-husband's behaviour is consistent with that of a sociopath or narcissist. I would go so far as to say that your ex-husband is a very dangerous man but on a positive note you are getting away from him. Please see him for what he is - he has blinded you for years. Even your children feel uneasy in his presence, what does that tell you?

Tell your solicitor that your husband turned up unannounced at your children's school and how your children reacted to this. What good is your ex-husband turning up with a big duffel bag full of treats when he isn't paying rent or providing for his family?

Gio2000

We will meet altogether at my lawyers office. My H had tried to request a meeting with just my lawyer beforehand. My lawyer told me that he refused that request. It still doesn't feel comfortable having a meeting if he isn't going to bring any legal representation. The more I think about it I don't see the point. This situation is beyond mediation or a collaborative process.
I'm not sure what he angle is either.After all he had engaged one of the biggest law firm in Dublin what are they advising him ?

Yarf Yarf

Are you sure he actually engaged them or is he just saying that? What does your solicitor have to say about this meeting? Like, what's the proposed outcome of the meeting? Is he just going to tell your husband what you want or what's going to happen?

Emme

Gio2000 wrote: »

We will meet altogether at my lawyers office. My H had tried to request a meeting with just my lawyer beforehand. My lawyer told me that he refused that request. It still doesn't feel comfortable having a meeting if he isn't going to bring any legal representation. The more I think about it I don't see the point. This situation is beyond mediation or a collaborative process.
I'm not sure what he angle is either.After all he had engaged one of the biggest law firm in Dublin what are they advising him ?

At least your lawyer had the sense to refuse the request. I think your solicitor might suspect what your ex-husband is up to but it would still be better if he communicated with him through his solicitor only.

If your ex-husband has engaged one of the biggest law firms in Dublin :rolleyes: why hasn't he communicating with your solicitor through his solicitor? What happened to your ex-husband representing himself to save money? Maybe your solicitor wants to call his bluff.

Gio2000

Emme wrote: »

At least your lawyer had the sense to refuse the request. I think your solicitor might suspect what your ex-husband is up to but it would still be better if he communicated with him through his solicitor only.

If your ex-husband has engaged one of the biggest law firms in Dublin :rolleyes: why hasn't he communicating with your solicitor through his solicitor? What happened to your ex-husband representing himself to save money? Maybe your solicitor wants to call his bluff.

Hopefully yes he is trying to call his bluff. Something has to give during this meeting. If he understands what can happen if he doesn't start to behave responsibily that will be a start.

njs030

People have a right to represent themselves, a conflict of interest is when a solicitor is representing 2 people in the same situation.
So he can't represent the wife and the husband at the same time.
That doesn't mean the husband can't represent himself and talk to the solicitor directly.

I find it odd no one has commented on your refusal to allow your children's father to spend time with them unless he pays the rent and bills. I think that's an awful thing to do.
He wants out of a relationship with YOU not them, his relationship with them should continue and you shouldn't be influencing it or manipulating it to get money. Maybe he's not a great father but he's the only one they have and you chose to have children with him.
In Irish law maintenance and access are completely different issues and one isn't affected by the other. You should try and do what's right for them before getting what you want.

Gio2000

notjustsweet wrote: »

People have a right to represent themselves, a conflict of interest is when a solicitor is representing 2 people in the same situation.
So he can't represent the wife and the husband at the same time.
That doesn't mean the husband can't represent himself and talk to the solicitor directly.

I find it odd no one has commented on your refusal to allow your children's father to spend time with them unless he pays the rent and bills. I think that's an awful thing to do.
He wants out of a relationship with YOU not them, his relationship with them should continue and you shouldn't be influencing it or manipulating it to get money. Maybe he's not a great father but he's the only one they have and you chose to have children with him.
In Irish law maintenance and access are completely different issues and one isn't affected by the other. You should try and do what's right for them before getting what you want.

I didn't refuse at first at all. If you re-read the entire thread I know it's long but you will see he left our family home on the QT and then went for a little holiday when he came back from that holiday he said he had time to see the children for a few days. I let him stay with teh children in our home but on the 2 day he kept phoning me to come back saying he couldn't stay any longer. I was staying at a friends house and he kept phoning and threatened to end the lease on the house if I didn't return so I did the next morning. Once I was in the house he started an argument and forcibly took my phone off me and threatened to wipe it's data. It ended up in a huge row with me trying to leave in the car and him dragging me out of it ! He even phoned his business partner while this was going on... and I could hear him saying that HE was trying to get away ! This isn't a joke or fiction.It was really awful.
So you will understand why he can't come back to the house. He won't say where he is living when he is here in the same country, so they can't go with him.tbh, I am concerned about him possibly trying to kidnap them as well. He hasn't bothered tovideo chat much and he went on a long trip to Asia for 2 weeks.He had a good time as lot's of photo's taken of him wining and dining on FB.
He will have to see the children but while he is threatening not to keep a roof over our heads its not top of my list to please him. The children's welfare is my priority.How we will proceed with visitation is going to be difficult and it will have to be planned out.

njs030

I have read the thread.

I find it really sad you call him seeing his children as 'pleasing him' as if their thoughts and feelings don't matter.
If you are putting ther welfare first then it should include a healthy relationship with their father.
The rent and bills are between you and him, there's no reason you can't take them to a hotel to spend time with him while you sit and read nearby.

Like i said- you chose to have children with this man, whatever between you and him the children have a right to their father.
Which is it? Either he's a bad father who doesn't want to bother with them or he will kidnap them??? It can't be both.

Gio2000

notjustsweet wrote: »

I have read the thread.

I find it really sad you call him seeing his children as 'pleasing him' as if their thoughts and feelings don't matter.
If you are putting ther welfare first then it should include a healthy relationship with their father.
The rent and bills are between you and him, there's no reason you can't take them to a hotel to spend time with him while you sit and read nearby.

Like i said- you chose to have children with this man, whatever between you and him the children have a right to their father.
Which is it? Either he's a bad father who doesn't want to bother with them or he will kidnap them??? It can't be both.

Sadly, I did choose to have children with him and he has treated us all as a family in this way.
He hasn't offered to have them since that last incident anyway. Doesn't that make he attitude more clear. The only reason he would kidnap them is to force me to go back to Ireland or in order to save money. Not so he can spend time with them himself or because he is so upset about not being with them.

Emme

OP, why would your ex-husband want to wipe the data on your phone?

I hope you are keeping a diary of everything. If you can back up your phone data online then do so regularly.

Do your children want to see their father? If they do then ask your solicitor's advice as to whether they should go somewhere alone with their father or whether the visit should be supervised. If you can do this before your see the solicitor with your ex it would be better.

It sounds like your ex wants to wear you down with a hostile, messy divorce so be prepared. He phoned his business partner when he was last at your place so he can have a "witness" to how he wants to present the case. It might be better for you to have a witness present if you have to see your ex at your home again.

njs030

Gio2000 wrote: »

Sadly, I did choose to have children with him and he has treated us all as a family in this way.
He hasn't offered to have them since that last incident anyway. Doesn't that make he attitude more clear. The only reason he would kidnap them is to force me to go back to Ireland or in order to save money. Not so he can spend time with them himself or because he is so upset about not being with them.

I understand, and I hope you are coping ok.
Just please be careful and don't fall into the trap of letting your children pay the price for your ex's bad behaviour.

Gio2000

Right now I never want to see him again.Unfortnately, I will have to for this meeting. Yes, he his business partners believing I am some kind of basket case. I know he has recorded arguments before and all of that.I feel akin to Dr. Richard Kimble. He has it all sewn up I'm sure. Trying to be confident but I'm not. It's just pure hell on earth.

Esel

Gio2000 wrote: »

Hi,
This is going to be quite long post but i'll try to keep it simple and to the point.
Currently, I'm living in another EU country with my two kids. We moved from Ireland becuase my husband was setting up a new part of his company here. The main reason i wanted to leave ireland was that he had been unfaithful big affair about 6yrs ago. Backstory.
I found out after having our second child. He begged for a second chance I gave it for the kids mostly.I also couldnt face being alone with a new baby. I confronted the other woman in her work. She wasn't apologetic just denied it all. In our marriage we lurched from argument to argument. One particular argument which my husband always brings up is..one evening he had said he was going out. I checked his computer and i found emails to the other woman inferring that their affair would never be over,they would continue despite everything. I was livid. I confronted my h and he denied it all again. I told him to leave and he refused and locked himself in a room. I decided to call the gards they came and eventually took him out. It was a really horrible experince but all he had to do was leave. He toldme afterwards that the email was old and he had finished seeing the woman.he told me he loved me and wanted to make things right.
Fast foward another year or so. Not much is getting better and my husband make arguments out if nithing so he can keave and stay with his parents nearby. One day he wanted the family car. I decided to leave a tape recorder in it as i was sure he was having another affair . He went out and returned very late with the car. I found out that he was taking a female co worker on a drive up the mountains for whatever ! From the tape recorder it seems they were having a great laugh at me and probably had sex in our family car! In fact the gards interrupted and asked what was going on ?!
I immediately phoned my h when i relised what he had done in our car. He begged forgivness and also pleaded that i didn't call his company and tell his business partners.
Stupidly i believed this was the last time. The girl never left never apologised nothing. She is still in the company. My husband told me that he did tell his business partner and he just said it was just a typical man thing , no biggy. Their company is a high profile tech co and with important backers.we left ireland and honestly looked forward to a new fresh start for our family.we made some friends and were just starting to have a good social life. Kids happy too.
We were here 2 years and 4 months ago my husband started acting wierd again late home / hiding his mobile and computer or locking them. He never answered his phone.Then he refused to book summer holidays and i knew something was on. I was in the process of starting my own business whilst this was happening. I had to go home to talk to the banks etc.. about funding. While i was there with our children my husband flew home and packed his stuff. He returned before we left dublin. He came to my friends home , blanked me. I asked hime what was he doing and he said that he wasn't going to come home ever and drove off.
I was left stunned. It came from nowhere. Next day i went to his office to try to speak with him but they refused to answer. I followed another person into the bulding and knocked on the main office door. No one answered so i did knock loudly . He cames out and manhandled me and put me into the lift. I told him i wanted an explanation and we needed to talk. He refused and told me that he was calling security. Which he did. Of course by this stage i was furious. My children were onlookers. I shouted at him that he couldnt treat his wife in this manner but he told the security that i had to be taken away!!! His new work partner from where we live came out and tried to calm the situation. We went for a chat but he gAve me no answers.
He did allude to the fact that the entire company thought i was loopy. Probably thanks to me calling trying to find him on many occasions and also the female co-worker with no shame.
Inthink he had been planning an exit for a long time. He has also bad mouthed me to friends and gone so far as to say i have mental issues even that i hit him.
I am now here in a foreign country with our children with no back up and feeling like no hope. He has said he will pay the bills but so far they are mounting up and dont get paid on time.
I just would like to be able to get the truth of what he is really doing and understand why he is trying to ruin my character. I think its his way of trying to justify leaving me .He has never really helped me with my business and i think he deliberatly tried to sabotage the business launch by his behavour. I cant do anything now as avface seapartion and possible divorce.
How can i stop his lies and get to the bottom of what has gone on ?? Advice welcome. Sorry for typos - i ipads !

Gio2000 wrote: »

I didn't refuse at first at all. If you re-read the entire thread I know it's long but you will see he left our family home on the QT and then went for a little holiday when he came back from that holiday he said he had time to see the children for a few days. I let him stay with teh children in our home but on the 2 day he kept phoning me to come back saying he couldn't stay any longer. I was staying at a friends house and he kept phoning and threatened to end the lease on the house if I didn't return so I did the next morning. Once I was in the house he started an argument and forcibly took my phone off me and threatened to wipe it's data. It ended up in a huge row with me trying to leave in the car and him dragging me out of it ! He even phoned his business partner while this was going on... and I could hear him saying that HE was trying to get away ! This isn't a joke or fiction.It was really awful.
So you will understand why he can't come back to the house. He won't say where he is living when he is here in the same country, so they can't go with him.tbh, I am concerned about him possibly trying to kidnap them as well. He hasn't bothered tovideo chat much and he went on a long trip to Asia for 2 weeks.He had a good time as lot's of photo's taken of him wining and dining on FB.
He will have to see the children but while he is threatening not to keep a roof over our heads its not top of my list to please him. The children's welfare is my priority. How we will proceed with visitation is going to be difficult and it will have to be planned out.

Hope things work out, for you, him, and your children.

Do not give up hope.

Recordings may or not be admissable in court. Horrible to have to resort to that.

tara73

Gio2000 wrote: »

Right now I never want to see him again.Unfortnately, I will have to for this meeting. Yes, he his business partners believing I am some kind of basket case. I know he has recorded arguments before and all of that.I feel akin to Dr. Richard Kimble. He has it all sewn up I'm sure. Trying to be confident but I'm not. It's just pure hell on earth.

No, you don't have to and I would really advise not to do this meeting with him and your solicitor. why is it for, what should be discussed? did you discuss it with your solicitor? might be I overread it, but I don't see any reason or subject why this meeting should take place.

as it's said so many times now, he's a manipulative sod from the worst order, he wants to ruin you and I'm almost 100% sure has the plan to take the kids from you.
It is absolutely unnecessary to have this meeting in person, all communication should be done through the solicitors, if he doesn't have this high profile solicitor as he's claiming, the better for you, but to find out there are other possibilities than a meeting with your solicitor.

tbh, I find it very odd your solicitor is agreeing to the meeting in person after all this guy has done. Did you tell your solicitor all the details you gave us here? and again, you should have discussed the reason and the motive to do this meeting, what's the prospected gain or target of it??

sorry, but I have the feeling you are not telling the outside world the truth about this horrible man. you are still protecting him in a way. did you go to the police in the end?
this guy is an absolute scumbag, he has a plan, as somebody said, from the beginning, getting your inheritance to set up his business, now he wants to get rid of you and to fulfill his ego, he obviously wants the kids on his side to leave you completely shattered but in no way because he loves his kids.

do something about it, but from my point of view it's not a meeting with him, you and your solicitor. go to the police for f** s***, sorry, but it really gets me agitated, because the priority is not about your reputation anymore, it's about the wellbeing of your kids and for that you should have gone to the police days ago as everybody advised you.

Gio2000

I've told as much as I can about the circumstances surrounding how I ended up in the mess. I'm not withholding anything unsual. He wasn't a wife beater or anything like that. He did have a very short fuse and I have been on the recieving end of it a couple of times just like a list of others I know of.

We had our meeting and it was a very stressful one. He did not want to come to any solution. It became clear to my lawyer how difficult he is. Unfortunately, he said a few things which worry me greatly. He is maintaining now that he left because he was assaulted on a regular basis !!! He also thinks that he can prove that we haven't had a proper marital relationship for 5 years now ! Even though we moved here as a family or couple with children 2 years ago. He is saying that in the Irish system there is no fault so his infidelities are of no importance. He has not said if he will pay the rent or other bills.
My lawyer is now calling the one I used in Ireland to see what we should do. Yes my lawyer seems at a loss as to what to do.

Yarf Yarf

And how does he propose proving he was assaulted or that you haven't had a marital relationship for 5 years? Also, you can definitely be granted a judicial separation on the grounds of a spouse committing adultery in Ireland. He's pulling stuff out of his arse.

Esel

Gio2000 wrote: »

My lawyer is now calling the one I used in Ireland to see what we should do. Yes my lawyer seems at a loss as to what to do.

Is is still the case that you can have him arrested, as your lawyer said? Is your lawyer now advising against that?