My husband, his co-workers ,company & sex

dellas1979

Awh goodness OP. Am actually really starting to wonder (if he) has some psych problems.

How can he prove anything if nothing happened?

That is what is stumping me.

He cant use unfounded claims against you. As in, no matter how much he tries to make up the stories, there was never a charge brought against you to prove or insinuate any of this (this is why its important that when someone is abused that it must be reported).

Gio2000

I can't see how he can prove it myself. I know he has recorded arguments and spoken to my SIL before and told her that I do hit him. She believed him and it took alot to set her straight. She gave him the number of AMEN I remember.He is very convincing as I said before.
I can quite categorically say that he has not been a victim of domestic abuse. Yet, he is well able to lead people to believe he is the victim here.
He is also saying that he can have it back dated - the separation that is and say that we haven't had a normal relationship in years. I think he is grasping at straws but it's all really worrying. I mean if he is saying this now, what will come next ?
My lawyer thinks to call the police is a last resort.It is an extreme measure. They hold no prisoners here and it would really effect his work.

Stavro Mueller

Oh for crying out loud. The man's doing his best to destroy you and you're afraid to go to the police for fear of affecting his work? Seriously?

Yarf Yarf

Why do you care so much about it affecting his work?? This man has left you and your children in a precarious position, he's accusing you of assaulting him and has carried on several affairs. He's going to hang you and your children out to dry if he can and you're worrying about what will happen to him and his job if he gets arrested? Do you think he cares as much about you and your well-being or even the well-being of his children as you do about him and his job? I'm sure you realise that of the shoe was on the other foot and he had chance to get you arrested, he'd probably do it and wouldn't think twice about the consequences.

Gio2000

Well it in reality it is a bit of a hard decision. If he is arrested here it will inevitably come out and that would have a very negative impact on his work and company.Maybe the shareholders of the company would want him out ! I mean I might as well call an Irish radio talk show and announce it! He is quite a well known business man and it would look horrendous for him. Look I really don't know how to get our of this and it seems neither does my lawyer for that matter !

Esel

Gio2000 wrote: »

My lawyer thinks to call the police is a last resort.It is an extreme measure. They hold no prisoners here and it would really effect his work.

Just out of interest - is your husband aware that you can have him arrested?

Yarf Yarf

Gio2000 wrote: »

Well it in reality it is a bit of a hard decision. If he is arrested here it will inevitably come out and that would have a very negative impact on his work and company.Maybe the shareholders of the company would want him out ! I mean I might as well call an Irish radio talk show and announce it! He is quite a well known business man and it would look horrendous for him. Look I really don't know how to get our of this and it seems neither does my lawyer for that matter !

Again, not sure why you care. Hit him where it hurts. It might do something to address the power dynamics going on here.

Stavro Mueller

I doubt the shareholders in his company give a toss what's going on in his private life. The only language most of them understand is €€€. Seriously, take your head out of the sand and fight your corner. I'm also wondering is your lawyer competent. I've got my doubts.

Taltos

OP to be honest it seems you are more interested in the potential harm you could cause to your husband if you proceed. To be blunt who gives two rabbits?
You have to do what you need to do in order to protect yourself and your children, your husband be damned. Already he is painting you as an abuser or worse.

How long are you and your legal advice going to sit there while your husband paints an increasingly worst picture. Tomorrow call you legal advice and tell them to loose the hounds - to do ALL that is necessary right now to secure yourself and your children, and ask what else you can do to protect yourself from further false assertions - i.e. if he is blackening your name without evidence what recourse is open to you.

The longer you hang back from actually taking action the harder it is going to be for you.
In the meantime or at the same time - go and find a counsellor for yourself and maybe your children - you need to get all of this out of you. He has had an age to tell himself whatever stories he needs but you need help right now.

njs030

Yarf Yarf wrote: »

And how does he propose proving he was assaulted or that you haven't had a marital relationship for 5 years? Also, you can definitely be granted a judicial separation on the grounds of a spouse committing adultery in Ireland. He's pulling stuff out of his arse.

He's right, Ireland has a no fault system. It means that she can't use his affairs against him to gain financially from a seperation.
It looks like he's trying to force a legal seperation rather than an agreement- is he in a relationship op?
Possibly he's looking for a way to divorce as fast as possible.

Stavro Mueller

Just to add. Even if you go to the police, it's unlikely they're going to arrive at his house at 6am, surround the place, burst through the doors and haul him out in handcuffs. This is at the "white collar" end of the scale and I'm sure it's not going to be as drastic as you think. While you sit here afraid to do anything about this man's despicable behaviour, he's steadily but surely plotting your demise. I hope you don't live to regret your unwillingness to fight your corner. You may find yourself having plenty of time to regret it in the years to come.

dellas1979

Taltos wrote: »

The longer you hang back from actually taking action the harder it is going to be for you.

I do worry about what was said here OP.

It sounds like the only way to get through to you is for you to hit rock bottom. That hasnt happened you quite (yet). But if you dont take action quickly....

Rock bottom is being homeless, no access to your kids, no money, a husband beater reputation.

.....but yet you'll protect him.

Gio2000

Ok so he is arrested. He eventually pays the bills but it's an endless cycle of this until our court date next year !
I remember he went to court against a former employer he wrapped them up in paper work so much that they did settle even though they knew he wasn't entitled to what he got.
He has damaged my character probably beyond repair. I have no really way of setting the record straight.This is why I can't go back to Dublin. It just so frustrating as I know you all think that it is a solution but it's only a stop gap with a bitter after taste. What if he tells my eldest Mommy had me arrested etc. like he did last time.

Stavro Mueller

I don't understand why you're so afraid that a marriage breakup will affect his reputation. This is 2014, not 1964. Marriages break up all the time and most people really couldn't care less who did what. Really they don't. You and your husband are very uninteresting to the rest of the world. Unless your husband's running some sort of of whiter than white catholic church marriage agency I don't see why his reputation would be affected. This is going to be trashed out in private, not in the middle of the town square

Which is worse? Your kid being told "mommy had me arrested" or being evicted/going to live with daddy and never seeing mum again?

Taltos

So what are you looking for here OP?
You've had 8 pages of the same advice and you still are not listening. You still insist you can't do anything, that he'll wrap you up in legal bills etc.

But really - really these are the thoughts he has planted. The truth is only YOU can help YOU.
You've had 8 pages of everyone telling you to take action, telling you to get your solicitor on the case as more and more detalis come out. No-one has said give up but you.

Here's what's going to happen. You've two paths ahead of you.
a) Give up - he wins, your name is muck, you can never come home and your children grow up believing his lies, their birthdays come and go, their weddings and you won't be there because you are the crazy one.
b) Fight this git, do it calmly, reassure your children - get help - get counselling - get them counselling. It is going to hurt like hell, the next few years will be some of the toughest you'll face, but.. but you will come out stronger and if you do it right with your children's love and admiration. Now it might not all go your way - you might lose custody but in option a) you are going to lose custody anyway, when you become homeless they will be taken from you. You really only have one option here - and that is to say f it and fight this guy for all your worth and for the love of your kids. BUT - get that help - keep centered and ensure that your kids are always protected - they will hear his lies but in your reaction and love they will learn the truth...

Beyond that OP - what are you really looking for here? 8 pages and you are stuck in that relationship in your head - you have to let go and accept it's over and start responding to the sh*t storm he is building against you. He is not being idle - why are you?

dellas1979

Gio2000 wrote: »

Ok so he is arrested. He eventually pays the bills but it's an endless cycle of this until our court date next year !

But what are you expecting! Like, what outcome do you want or expect (realistically) from this mess?

Gio2000 wrote: »

He has damaged my character probably beyond repair.

No. You know what? Just no. You are damaging your own reputation by doing nothing. Take some responsibility.

I wish you the best of luck. I really do. But Im finding this post is going around in circles, so I cant contribute anymore. You are an adult woman who is just so beaten down to the core and disillusioned, that you wont get up and fight.

I cant understand it, so I have to leave it there. Again, good luck OP.

Esel

Esel wrote: »

Just out of interest - is your husband aware that you can have him arrested?

To rephrase this:

Is your husband aware that you can, and will, have him arrested?

Gio2000

I understand. it's been a long thread and I thought it would help with some honest outside opinions or advice.
I don't have the money he has access to full stop. He has the head of one of the most prestigious families in Ireland backing his company. I on the other hand do have back bone believe it or not after all this... but in the real world without the money to back it up it means nothing. I need a really good lawyer not one which is looking to me for suggestions. Thank you for the comments and replies anyway.
And yes to answer that question, he is most definately with another woman and that is why he is desparately seeking an exit to this marriage so quickly.

Big Bag of Chips

Gio, I think people are being a little harsh on you. Understandable from their point when they feel they are offering you advice that you are ignoring. But at the same time you are in new territory and irs going to take you a while to get used to your new reality. You have spent years tip-toeing around your husband, trying not to discommode him etc, and that is not a habit that will be easily broken. But you do need to break it. You need to start realising that you are now in a new reality, and it is one where you husband is going to do everything in his power to get what he wants. He is used to being in control. He is used to ignoring you. And you are used to him being in control, and ignoring you and your efforts.

You are going to have to completely change how you see him, how you react to him, and how you act around him. It won't be easy.. He'll make damn sure of that. But he's taken you for an eejit for long enough. How long more are you going to let that go on?

I think you are still in the "my husband" mind frame.. He has long since removed you as "his wife". So whatever loyalty you still feel to him, you better work through pretty quickly, because he has no loyalty to you anymore. And the longer you sit back hoping things will get nice, the more opportunity you give him to ruin you.

I know you need time to process all this, but I'm afraid you don't have the luxury of time. I wish you well. You have a long, ugly road ahead.

strandroad

Gio2000 wrote: »

I understand. it's been a long thread and I thought it would help with some honest outside opinions or advice.
I don't have the money he has access to full stop. He has the head of one of the most prestigious families in Ireland backing his company. I on the other hand do have back bone believe it or not after all this... but in the real world without the money to back it up it means nothing. I need a really good lawyer not one which is looking to me for suggestions. Thank you for the comments and replies anyway.
And yes to answer that question, he is most definately with another woman and that is why he is desparately seeking an exit to this marriage so quickly.

But that's your strength right there, he has lots to lose if you play hard.

Esel

Gio2000 wrote: »

I don't have the money he has access to full stop. He has the head of one of the most prestigious families in Ireland backing his company.

Surely you are entitled to a fair share of what you call 'his' company? Does it matter that you may not be not a director or shareholder?

Check all this out carefully. Get your ducks in a row.

Gio2000 wrote: »

I need a really good lawyer...

You should find one asap then. Actually, find two: one where you are living now, and one in Ireland.

Not to sound too paranoid, but have you considered the privacy of your internet/phone communications? Did your husband know your passwords? Have you changed them to something semi-random that he definitely won't be able to guess? Google strong password. Do not use the same password for different accounts. Have you had your computer scanned for key logging software etc.? Information is power, and you should be very careful regarding this.

Have you set up new e-mail addresses that he is unaware of? Does he have access to your landline or mobile phone usage history (who you called, texted etc.)? If the accounts are still in his name, he does...

All of the above applies equally to any phone/tablet etc. that your children may have. Their devices should be scanned too, and their new passwords should be unrelated to any new strong passwords you decide on for your own devices/accounts (and should not be guessable by him).

Have you changed your locks/security codes? Is it possible that your home/car is bugged?

I am not trying to freak you out here. These are things you should consider, because as you know, you are now in serious conflict with a dangerous, lying, manipulative individual.

It is time to play hardball.

Gio2000

Esel wrote: »

Surely you are entitled to a fair share of what you call 'his' company? Does it matter that you may not be not a director or shareholder?

Check all this out carefully. Get your ducks in a row.

You should find one asap then. Actually, find two: one where you are living now, and one in Ireland.

Not to sound too paranoid, but have you considered the privacy of your internet/phone communications? Did your husband know your passwords? Have you changed them to something semi-random that he definitely won't be able to guess? Google strong password. Do not use the same password for different accounts. Have you had your computer scanned for key logging software etc.? Information is power, and you should be very careful regarding this.

Have you set up new e-mail addresses that he is unaware of? Does he have access to your landline or mobile phone usage history (who you called, texted etc.)? If the accounts are still in his name, he does...

All of the above applies equally to any phone/tablet etc. that your children may have. Their devices should be scanned too, and their new passwords should be unrelated to any new strong passwords you decide on for your own devices/accounts (and should not be guessable by him).

Have you changed your locks/security codes? Is it possible that your home/car is bugged?

I am not trying to freak you out here. These are things you should consider, because as you know, you are now in serious conflict with a dangerous, lying, manipulative individual.

It is time to play hardball.

Unfortunately he has on his team within the company a telecommunications computer wiz or genius and on his side so yes it's a problem which I'll have to address. I do change my passwords but it might not be enough and the house phone log is connected to the company so I don't use it. I try to use Skype as it's free anyway.
One of the things which is worrying me most is that after how many years my kids have no home of their own. No permanant roof over their heads.We have no property and neither does he.The only asset he has is the company shares. From what I've been told by the lawyers here and back home there will be no financial lump sum either in the end settlement of divorce.
It does look like I've been really stitched up as they say and will walk away from this in ruins.Literally.Maybe I should be asking on the other legal forum for opinions on this.

Esel

Gio2000 wrote: »

He has the head of one of the most prestigious families in Ireland backing his company.

You may see that as dis-empowering, but it just as easily could work to your advantage, if handled with top-class legal advice (in Ireland).

He may be thought to be the golden boy now, but no-one, maybe not even 'the head of one of the most prestigious families in Ireland' wants to be associated with someone like this, especially if their investment is endangered by possible legal action (or legally defensible washing of dirty linen in public). Is there a headess in that prestigious family?

Always proceed on the basis on top-class legal advice. Do nothing that could prejudice your case.

Esel

Gio2000 wrote: »

Unfortunately he has on his team within the company a telecommunications computer wiz or genius and on his side so yes it's a problem which I'll have to address. I do change my passwords but it might not be enough and the house phone log is connected to the company so I don't use it. I try to use Skype as it's free anyway.

Plug all the house phones out if you don't use them (except maybe at night, for security reasons - e.g. needing to call emergency services).

Find your own computer wiz/genius to verify that your communications are not compromised.

Gio2000 wrote: »

One of the things which is worrying me most is that after how many years my kids have no home of their own. No permanant roof over their heads. We have no property and neither does he. The only asset he has is the company shares. From what I've been told by the lawyers here and back home there will be no financial lump sum either in the end settlement of divorce.

No home - that may be a fact at present. If it is, it is. You will not help yourself and your children by worrying about it. Regarding assets - be very sure that you do not actually have a claim on 'his' shares before you believe it.

Gio2000 wrote: »

It does look like I've been really stitched up as they say and will walk away from this in ruins. Literally. Maybe I should be asking on the other legal forum for opinions on this.

It might seem like that at the moment, but that does not mean that it is the case. You, and your children, will walk away though. Everyone can start again. As I said, get top-class legal advice in both jurisdictions.

If you do decide to start a thread on the legal forum, be very careful not to ask for legal advice, because that is not allowed, and your thread will be locked. Not sure how asking for an opinion (rather than advice) is viewed by the moderators on that forum.

Also, be aware that while threads/posts in this forum (RI) are not searchable via the Boards search function, most other forums are.

Emme

"In a world that is utterly corrupt, the best policy is to do as others do" Marquis De Sade

Your ex-husband is being every bit as dirty and manipulative as I suspected. Despite this you are still defending him.

I'm not saying that you should be corrupt just because your ex-husband is, but you should not take this lying down. Use all the resources you have at your disposal and this will probably mean reporting him to the police.

I suspect you are afraid you will lose your social position if you push ahead and play hardball. The bad news is that it is gone. You are no longer the wife of this man even through he took your inheritance to sink into his company. This man DEFRAUDED you of money that was intended for you. Money you could have used to set up a business of your own or pay for your children's education.

So what if he has one of Ireland's leading families backing him. It's easy to get money if you're willing to defraud other people and scam your nearest and dearest (at the time) out of her inheritance money.

So what if it gets into the papers where you are if you go to the police. I doubt if the Irish papers will have it splashed all over the headlines or even feature it at all. Even if they do so what?

Is there another reason you won't go to the police? Is there something you haven't told us or your solicitor that could jeopardise your case? If not what's stopping you going to the police? If you aren't going to stand up and fight your corner you're wasting your time and money with solicitors and they might think you are hiding something when you are not. Then they will lose interest in your case.

This man has accused you of physical abuse and is doing all he can to trump up his claim. Is this fair to you, your children or to genuine victims of domestic violence? I suspect you have been a victim of emotional abuse for years without realising it.

All through this thread you have been displaying signs of Stockholm Syndrome where an abused person is so browbeaten they end up siding with their abuser. Go to the Women's Aid website and note the section on emotional abuse. This can be every but as damaging as domestic abuse:
www.womensaid.ie

Fight fire with fire.

Emme

Gio2000 wrote: »

Ok so he is arrested. He eventually pays the bills but it's an endless cycle of this until our court date next year !
I remember he went to court against a former employer he wrapped them up in paper work so much that they did settle even though they knew he wasn't entitled to what he got.
He has damaged my character probably beyond repair. I have no really way of setting the record straight.This is why I can't go back to Dublin. It just so frustrating as I know you all think that it is a solution but it's only a stop gap with a bitter after taste. What if he tells my eldest Mommy had me arrested etc. like he did last time.

Like he did last time???

Did you have him arrested before and if so why? Did you tell your solicitor this?

It will be an endless cycle of harassment for you regardless of whether you fight or not. Believe me, it will be a lot worse if you don't.

Gio2000

No Emme,it was different circumstances after he had had an affair and He had refused to leave the family home after a very bad argument.
I just don't want to have to go to this extreme as the police here are very different. If I have no money this week and no roof though I will. There is no choice really it's do or die.

Emme

Gio2000 wrote: »

No Emme,it was different circumstances after he had had an affair and He had refused to leave the family home after a very bad argument.
I just don't want to have to go to this extreme as the police here are very different. If I have no money this week and no roof though I will. There is no choice really it's do or die.

Last time was an entirely different situation and the Gardai are sometimes reluctant go get involved in domestic situations.

Maybe it's a good thing the police are different where you are now. It is only right that police anywhere should take the case of a mother and children being left destitute by a spouse who is the sole earner, particularly in a foreign country.

Your ex might be trying to say you had no relationship for 5 years so why did he uproot you and the children and take you away from your friends and family to a foreign country? Maybe he wanted to alienate you from your friends and family and weaken your position. Even so you moved over there as his wife and you have been his wife to the eyes of the world up to when he deserted you and the children.

If he gets you to agree to a quick separation and you don't fight back you will be left homeless in a foreign country and your children will be taken away from you.

If it comes to it go to the police with your children, explain what happened and DO NOT SPARE YOUR HUSBAND. Tell them that you and your children have been abandoned by the children's father and you have no money and nowhere to go. Say you are going to be evicted and you need help.

Neyite

you think you dont hold any cards, but you do.

He wants a quick divorce, thats why he wants the separation backdated by 5 years. (I dont understand why he wants an Irish divorce if he is living in another country surely the process is quicker) This might be a big bargaining tool for you in the process.

He is well known, and connected to a prestigious and well known family in Ireland. Do you think they want a load of mud-slinging? No matter what kind of a mother you are, he is showing the kind of man HE is by leaving his children at risk of poverty and hunger, not to mention emotional abuse.

He has come out of his corner fighting to scare you off - to get you so terrified that you wont contest him for his money or other assets. He doesnt want the children - if he was so concerned for their welfare he would be providing a secure home and good food for them irrespective of the war going on with their mother. But he is using the children as a weapon to terrify you, threatening to take everything so that when he leaves you with what really matters - the children - and nothing else, you'd be so grateful you have them.

Adultery as a reason for divorce is tricky to prove, but you can still divorce him for unreasonable behaviour. Affairs or infidelity matter not a jot when dissolving a marraige - its purely about the separation of assets and provisions being made for the children.

Hang in there. If there is a domestic abuse organisation in your country speak to them - what he is doing is abusive. And they will know sh!t-hot lawyers who know how to deal with highly manipulative spouses.

Shrap

Gio2000 wrote: »

He has the head of one of the most prestigious families in Ireland backing his company. I on the other hand do have back bone believe it or not after all this... but in the real world without the money to back it up it means nothing. I need a really good lawyer not one which is looking to me for suggestions................

And yes to answer that question, he is most definately with another woman and that is why he is desparately seeking an exit to this marriage so quickly.

Gio2000 wrote: »

From what I've been told by the lawyers here and back home there will be no financial lump sum either in the end settlement of divorce.
It does look like I've been really stitched up as they say and will walk away from this in ruins.Literally.Maybe I should be asking on the other legal forum for opinions on this.

I've just been reading through some of this OP, and as a outsider, I'd read your story in the paper and believe it. I wonder if that could be used to your advantage? An Irish reporter would jump at the chance to write a story from your point of view if he and his family are as well known as you say they are. Could that be used as leverage?

Maybe that's a daft idea, don't know.

Esel wrote: »

You may see that as dis-empowering, but it just as easily could work to your advantage, if handled with top-class legal advice (in Ireland).

He may be thought to be the golden boy now, but no-one, maybe not even 'the head of one of the most prestigious families in Ireland' wants to be associated with someone like this, especially if their investment is endangered by possible legal action (or legally defensible washing of dirty linen in public). Is there a headess in that prestigious family?

Always proceed on the basis on top-class legal advice. Do nothing that could prejudice your case.

This is better advice than mine - but if there is a matriarch in your husbands family, are you in a position to let her know exactly how badly this could go for his publicity if you and your children are not treated fairly?

Gio2000

Hi,
thought I would give an update as it has got even worse.I didn't go to the police as he did meet with Landlady and it seemed agreed to pay the rent. He gave some money for the month but again refused to pay extra bills.
It then turned out it was just a decoy as he got himself a lawyer here and is going for Full custody.
My Lawyer says they have medical files stating that I am not compos mentis or that I have some physcolgical issues.
I have no idea where he has plucked this from. Spoke to a friend earlier and they thought he could be referring to Post -Natal depression but I never had that.
His mind games are truly sickening and I Know that he couldn't have any evidence but he is so able to concoct something from nothing. It's all very frightening. Spoke to good lawyer back in Dublin and they advised me to go back and fight there. It means uprooting the children and they are happy here despite what is going on. They will be leaving good friends and perhaps a whole different future.
I really hate him for doing this to them. I don't know how he can carry on like this.

Detached Retina

Take your kids and come home, get them as far away from him as you can. If he is that "powerful/Connected" and has managed to screw up your life as much has he has so far, he WILL try, and maybe succeed in taking your children. Leave. ASAP. They'll make new friends.Be ok in a new school. So will you. Do you want him screwing up your kids? He'll clearly never let you have a happy life or business there.

Emme

Gio2000 wrote: »

Hi,
thought I would give an update as it has got even worse.I didn't go to the police as he did meet with Landlady and it seemed agreed to pay the rent. He gave some money for the month but again refused to pay extra bills.
It then turned out it was just a decoy as he got himself a lawyer here and is going for Full custody.
My Lawyer says they have medical files stating that I am not compos mentis or that I have some physcolgical issues.
I have no idea where he has plucked this from. Spoke to a friend earlier and they thought he could be referring to Post -Natal depression but I never had that.
His mind games are truly sickening and I Know that he couldn't have any evidence but he is so able to concoct something from nothing. It's all very frightening. Spoke to good lawyer back in Dublin and they advised me to go back and fight there. It means uprooting the children and they are happy here despite what is going on. They will be leaving good friends and perhaps a whole different future.
I really hate him for doing this to them. I don't know how he can carry on like this.

If you're not willing to go to the police where you are you might be better off fighting in Dublin.

Did the good lawyer in Dublin give you advice on the legal aspects of moving your children from one country to another? That is an important consideration. Only go back if you are absolutely certain it is the right thing to do. If the children are not happy to move but you go with them to Dublin your ex will use this against you in the custody battle. Where in Dublin will you live and can you afford to move and find suitable accommodation for a family in Dublin?

You know your ex-husband is putting you under pressure and wants you to break down physically and mentally so he can take the children from you. You know he is capable of telling lies to so this. So why are you surprised at his carry on?

Your future will be different, that's for certain and if you want to keep your children you must remain calm and rational. Easier said than done but you must do it.

Gio2000

Detached Retina wrote: »

Take your kids and come home, get them as far away from him as you can. If he is that "powerful/Connected" and has managed to screw up your life as much has he has so far, he WILL try, and maybe succeed in taking your children. Leave. ASAP. They'll make new friends.Be ok in a new school. So will you. Do you want him screwing up your kids? He'll clearly never let you have a happy life or business there.

Unfortunately,I'm not going to have a happy life or business in Dublin either.
For example,Earlier this year I was trying to get into the Websummit to give my business launch a boost and try to find some good contacts. After a few phone calls it came to nothing once they knew who my H was.Funny that ?!! His Company are now exhibiting for this Websummit. An I'm sitting here with the rug being pulled from under me. My life in tatters and no money to my name. All I have are the children and now he wants to take them from me. Not because he wants to care for them but because he has a vendetta against me now and he knows he wouldn't have to pay anything maintenence wise really.I don't stand a chance now is Dublin because of what he has been saying over the last how many months or years. He has succeeded in screwing up my life and he is getting away with it.

Emme

Gio2000 wrote: »

Unfortunately,I'm not going to have a happy life or business in Dublin either.
For example,Earlier this year I was trying to get into the Websummit to give my business launch a boost and try to find some good contacts. After a few phone calls it came to nothing once they knew who my H was.Funny that ?!! His Company are now exhibiting for this Websummit. An I'm sitting here with the rug being pulled from under me. My life in tatters and no money to my name. All I have are the children and now he wants to take them from me. Not because he wants to care for them but because he has a vendetta against me now and he knows he wouldn't have to pay anything maintenence wise really.I don't stand a chance now is Dublin because of what he has been saying over the last how many months or years. He has succeeded in screwing up my life and he is getting away with it.

Why would he not have to pay maintenance? You gave up your career to have a family and support his move abroad. You loaned him your inheritance to set up his business. Surely your lawyers can fight your case to get that money back as well as reasonable maintenance.

Gio2000

It's not easy not loose your cool when your faced with this endless nightmare. If he manages to get Full custody he only pays for the children not me. That's my understanding. Here he would have to pay a lot of maintenence but no lump sum or cash compensation for what he took from me. Back in Ireland it he would have to pay maintenence but I would also be told to go to work and leave the home. Getting any money back is 50|50 and as we have no property it's hard to see how that would be dealt with. I have no family really in Ireland a couple of cousins that's it. No place to go even for a while. Most of my friends are in apartments with no space or in small houses and I couldn't land in with two kids. The children would have to go to different schools, I know that's usual but they were happy being so close in the same buildings here. We didn't have the same network of friends as we do here.
Tbh, I can't see how I can live in Dublin ever again and hold my head up. He's humilated me so many times and now is dragging me through the mud, simply out of spite.

Esel

Gio2000 wrote: »

Unfortunately,I'm not going to have a happy life or business in Dublin either...

For example... Websummit to give my business launch a boost...

So, which is it? Websummit, or the future of your children? This might seem harsh, but...

Gio2000 wrote: »

... not me. ... I would also be told to go to work and leave the home.... The children would have to go to different schools, I know that's usual...

Work; children in different schools...

Normal life, then?

Big Bag of Chips

Gio, I understand this is incredibly difficult for you. But every time you post it's just excuse after excuse as it why you cannot follow the advice you've been given. Your lawyer where you are advised you to call the police. You didn't. You contacted a Dublin solicitor who advised you to come back to Dublin so that he can help you fight your case from here, and again it's all the reasons why you can't do that.

Forget his "medical records". If they are fake then it should be very easy to prove they are fake. Your husband is no doubt a very nasty man, but you are just making it too easy for him.

Start taking the advice of the people who are giving it to you.... Or roll over and let him destroy you.

Stavro Mueller

I agree with Big Bag of Chips wholeheartedly. I can't help but think you're using this thread to vent. People gave you very good advice from the get go but from what I can see, you barely took any of it. If you'd gone to the police when you were urged to do so, you'd be in a far better position now. You didn't and that ship has sailed. I fear the same thing is about to happen all over again. Your husband is a very unpleasant person but your biggest enemy is you.

Taltos

Mod Note:
Hi Esel, please refrain from correcting grammar, I know you might be trying to help but it's really considered off topic posting. If grammar or spelling is negatively impacting your understanding of the post then please report it otherwise really just let it slide. For someone who maybe in a delicate mental state your helpful comment will be received as anything but...

Thanks
Taltos

Gio2000

Esel wrote: »

Do not capitalise unimportant nouns - i.e. Landlady, Lawyer. As said before, get a better lawyer where you are now.

So, which is it? Websummit, or the future of your children? This might seem harsh, but...

Work; children in different schools...

Normal life, then?

You are right Esel, grammer is always important. The Websummit is now a very powerful force in the world of start-ups. That's why more than 20,000 people attend each event now. I did want to build a business so I could survive on my own and so I could provide for my children's present and future.That ambition has been thwarted now.
If I could work now I would but language is an issue. Never been afraid of it and would solve many issues right now, apart from childcare..
Different schools yes, they have it easy here being so close but it's a small school and their are incredibly lucky. This is why it's such a hard decison to pack them up again and leave.
I am taking all the advice on board it's just a very big step to involving the police at any level and I want to be sure I am doing the right thing and it's not going to add more fuel to the fire. I am going to make a report to the police today but only because I'm left with no option.I'm sorry if I seem dazed and confused to many of you but the truth is a really still can't believe I'm facing all this.

Stavro Mueller

If the shoe was on the other foot your husband wouldn't think twice about going to the police. What is your alternative? Since you were first urged to go to the police the situation has escalated. You're staring into the abyss. Time to fight fire with fire.

tara73

Gio2000 wrote: »

Ok so he is arrested. He eventually pays the bills but it's an endless cycle of this until our court date next year !
I remember he went to court against a former employer he wrapped them up in paper work so much that they did settle even though they knew he wasn't entitled to what he got.
He has damaged my character probably beyond repair. I have no really way of setting the record straight.This is why I can't go back to Dublin. It just so frustrating as I know you all think that it is a solution but it's only a stop gap with a bitter after taste. What if he tells my eldest Mommy had me arrested etc. like he did last time.

yeah, it's endless excuses, nothing more. and you wrote he's arrested in the post of the 13.10. what does that mean? you said you never went to the police?? why was he arrested???
and what about the court date next year? who fixed that and what is it for? you never wrote anymore about it. all very odd imho.

Penny Tration

tara73 wrote: »

yeah, it's endless excuses, nothing more. and you wrote he's arrested in the post of the 13.10. what does that mean? you said you never went to the police?? why was he arrested???
and what about the court date next year? who fixed that and what is it for? you never wrote anymore about it. all very odd imho.

I think she's speaking hypothetically, as in 'okay, IF he's arrested, and IF it goes to court,' etc

Stavro Mueller

Also, if you lose custody of the kids you'll lose control over what happens to them. They'll most likely end up having to move schools anyway. Not to mention the possibility of boarding school/different country down the line. If they end up having a sh*t life with their father they could end up resenting you. As thing stand, your "hands off" approach has achieved nothing apart from giving this creep more scope to trample right over you. He sounds like a amoral being who'll stop at nothing to get his own way. In the circumstances, a trip to the police is one of the last throws of the dice you have. What else can he do to you that's any worse than what he's attempting already? You hold more cards than you think. You are still his wife, you are the mother of his children. Why should you lose access to them just because you've not been able to cope by yourself with his cunning? Believe me, if you fail to take the gloves off now and fight this with every atom of your being, you'll have plenty of time to regret it in the future.

Emme

I do not know the intricacies of divorce law in Ireland or the country where you are now. You may feel more secure in Ireland and an Irish lawyer has advised you to fight him back here. You may feel psychologically stronger on home ground. However, if you and the children come back to Ireland without solid school and accommodation arrangements you will be making yourself and your children voluntarily homeless. This will not look good for your custody case. By solid accommodation arrangements I mean a house or suitable apartment which you can afford. You will also be supporting yourself and the children financially through the separation period. You will have the added stress of finding new schools for them and it sounds like they might be used to fee paying schools or equivalent.

Your husband's financial shenanigans may be his way of putting you under pressure to leave where you are now and come back to Ireland with the children to an uncertain future so he will have more ammunition against you. He is a master strategist and possibly a sociopath.

If you stay where you are and report him to the police if he doesn't pay rent, utilities or maintain the family as he should then you may be in a stronger position. If he has no property and has spent all your inheritance money you need to be in a place where you can get as much maintenance as possible for the children and yourself. You need to either get another solicitor where you are or do what the one you have says. How did it look to this solicitor when you didn't take his advice to go to the police at the start? Then your husband comes along and makes convincing (albeit untrue) allegations about your mental health. The solicitor does not know you so why should he believe you if you don't follow his advice. He may believe your husband and think you are hiding something.

The Irish solicitor may have been advising you to come back on the assumption that you have people here to put a roof over your head and feed and clothe your children. If it is so difficult to get your husband to provide for your children where you are it will be far more difficult for him to provide for you in another country. Especially if you play into his hands and make yourselves voluntarily homeless in the process. Only come back to Ireland if you are sure it is a move to MORE security for you and the children. In Ireland you will have to find work in a precarious jobs market and pay for childminders out of your salary as well as everything else.

Again, if your husband does not provide for them where you are you can still go to the police as part of your fight for maintenance.

Forget prestigious IT startup exhibitions for the moment and put your children first. If you do what's right by them you will get custody and you can focus on work when you are in a stronger position. This could take a year or more. Why the focus on setting up a business now? You knew your husband was cheating for years so why didn't you make provision for a worst case scenario before now?

To be honest, if you do not take positive action and fight for your children why should you be awarded custody of them?

Big Bag of Chips

Gio, it is completely understandable that you are all over the place at the moment. You have had the rug pulled from under you. Everything you know is gone. You are no longer the financially secure wife of a prominent business man. You are now a single mother with no financial, emotional or practical support. That means that everything you've known has changed. All the plans you had will have to change too.

I'm not going to go back and check but it feels like you have posted more about your business and getting it started than about your kids and their future. You are struggling to get your business started. So why not just take a break for a while and concentrate on what you should be concentrating on.. Getting a stable environment for your children. You may need to think about getting a job now. Your business isn't established enough for you to be able to support yourself and your children. So you need to find another source of income... You can no longer be 100% dependent on your husband.

What are your social welfare entitlements in the country you are in? Have you any? These are the things you need to be doing and looking into. You are stuck thinking of all the things you can't do. You need to find out what you can do. This is where you need to use your solicitor. You need to know what options are available to you. What you are entitled to. How you get started. And how you go about getting on with your life no longer being your husband's wife.

iguana

Gio2000 wrote: »

Different schools yes, they have it easy here being so close but it's a small school and their are incredibly lucky.

I think you should seriously consider coming back to Ireland as your Irish solicitor has advised you to do that. And maybe, as you have no close family in Dublin, consider a different part of the country. In many of the smaller cities or bigger towns you will find it easy to finance a similar lifestyle for your children as that you describe here. You can still have access to your solicitor and the family you do have while restarting your life and maybe trying again with your business.

Whatever you do, you need to make a plan fast and start working on it. Your inertia right now is playing right into your husband's hands. If you don't do something soon, you stand to lose everything you are so afraid of losing.

Jenneke87

If you don't make a decision it's akin to deciding that everything shall remain the same. Is that what you want? Is that the best thing for your children. It's okay to feel sorry for yourself in these kind of situations, it's not okay to let it control you and possibly doing harm to your children because of your inaction. You're their mother and you don't have a right to. Go back to Ireland if that is what has been adviced to you and fight for everything you're owed.

farmerjj

mhge wrote: »

But that's your strength right there, he has lots to lose if you play hard.

Lifes to short for that sh*te, move on like you should have done years ago.