Toilet issue with 6 year old getting majorly out of hand - help

DesperateMum

Hi all,

Please bear with me as its a bit long winded but I am beside myself with worry over my 6 year old son.
He has been diagnosed with dyspraxia a while back. We are waiting on an appointment with a psychologist for further assesement for ASD. He also has a huge anxiety problem. We are having serious trouble with him at the moment regarding his toilet behaviour; namely pooing.

He refuses point blank to do it in the toilet. He soils himself practically every time. He hides in corners of rooms, under tables, out the back garden....anywhere he can, and goes and then runs to the toilet. He will either drop it in the loo or else just take off his trousers and pants then he wipes himself with a towel or anything he can get his hands on. It is not always toilet roll. We have wipes on standby for him but he wont use them. He will wee no problem but refuses to the point of holding it in, rather than poo in the toilet. I have had to go to Temple Street with him before because he was doubled up with cramps and has given himself constipation because of it. It can't be good for him, holding it all in but he just WONT poo in the toilet for us. I have tried the softly softly approach of talking to him and trying to reassure him that it is normal, we all do it etc. I have tried telling him to shout when he is running to the loo so I can go with him and be there when he needs me. I've gotten frustrated when I have ran out of pants or trousers for him and he's done it again and I've nothing clean for him. I've done all I can possibly do to try help him with this and it is possibly at the worst its ever been. I can't keep up with washing his clothes and it is guaranteed that he will soil everything he wears.

He refuses to tell us when he needs to go and will either jump up and run out of the room or will sneak off and hide. I am beside myself with worry and frustration. We are at a complete loss as to what to do, how to tackle it and how to respond and make him do it properly. We cannot see this resolving itself and don't know if it is a medical thing or a psychological thing. I am desperate for answers and help....and I'm hoping I can possibly get some advice or help as I don't know where else to turn. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

Funnymuffin

Hello! My 5 year old was a bit like this......I took a teddy and put underpants on him and then did some imaginary play, "teddy has to poo! What does he do?" And then watched what my son did and gently corrected him.....showed him how to get he toilet paper the right way and wipe, all using the bear even flushed and washed our hands and ted, took a couple of weeks but it caught on. Good luck Hun and remember how much you love em

alias no.9

Have you tried a toilet chart? Maybe use different colour stars / smiley faces for no.1 and no.2, tie it into rewards.

DesperateMum

alias no.9 wrote: »

Have you tried a toilet chart? Maybe use different colour stars / smiley faces for no.1 and no.2, tie it into rewards.

I only thought of doing that yesterday evening so I'm going into work tomorrow to print some off. I'm just hoping it will work and his anxiety isn't too much and too far gone that it won't take effect.

tenifan

Just saw your post from the front page.

Feed him loads of bananas, orange juice and beans. He'll soon learn it's not something he can either hide out comfortably hold in and will be running for the toilet.

DesperateMum

tenifan wrote: »

Just saw your post from the front page.

Feed him loads of bananas, orange juice and beans. He'll soon learn it's not something he can either hide out comfortably hold in and will be running for the toilet.

It's not exactly that simple.

Orion

tenifan wrote: »

Just saw your post from the front page.

Feed him loads of bananas, orange juice and beans. He'll soon learn it's not something he can either hide out comfortably hold in and will be running for the toilet.

I don't know what forum you think you're posting in but in Parenting this kind of unhelpful comment is not permitted. Think carefully before posting again.

Das Kitty

He's six, can you talk to him about what his fear it around it? Is it falling in? Is it the splash in the bowl? He obviously feels so afraid of it, he's willing to be uncomfortable rather than sit on the loo.

Personally I favour the hugs and understanding approach (not that I always succeed) to make my guy feel comfortable telling me his fears. I always validate his fears, no matter how ridiculous they sound to adult ears. If you can find out what it is he's afraid of, you might find the solution is a simple one.

Rosy Posy

I know that you're getting help already for his other issues but I do think that you need to see your GP and probably another professional. At this age, soiling can be a symptom of emotional disturbance which might be something he needs help with before he can make the transition to taking responsibility for his own toileting. Best of luck!

HelgaWard

How about reintroducing a potty for poos? If he could get comfortable doing them in a potty, maybe you could move progress to the toilet from there? Genuine suggestion (you can get some large potties). I found when potty training my two, they were much happier to wee in the toilet than poo. It took them a lot longer to regularly poo in the toilet than wee. Think it is because they have to sit longer for poo, bigger chance of falling in.

mohawk

My 5 year old boy is on the spectrum and the poos have been such a problem for us.

He had a tear once that caused a lot of pain when he was going to the loo so he started holding them in which naturally made it worse. My son likes to use a kids seat on the toilet because otherwise his energy is going into balancing himself on the toilet instead of the task at hand.

Can you tell if he needs to go? We could always tell with our fella so we would bring him to the toilet and stay with him until the deed was done. From my experience once they do it a couple of times they realise that it's not so bad.

January

My advice is to take time to chat with him and find out why he's scared. I find bed time good for this because they're more relaxed. If he can't verbalise why ask him to draw you a picture of why he is scared. You might get a bit of an insight into why then.

If it's because it hurts, maybe a bit more fibre to soften them up...

If he's afraid of falling in, or the splash (I know my second daughter who has sensory issues had a problem with this as she hates getting water on her) then put some toilet paper in the loo before he goes.

Have patience, I know it's frustrating but he's not doing this to annoy you.

Semele

I'd recommend getting some input from a psychologist, as it can be surprisingly difficult to make sure reward charts etc are actually rewarding the behaviour you want! It would also be good for you to get some general strategies about how you manage incidents and how you are communicating with your son about what's happening. It is very easy for toileting to become associated with shame, disgust and anxiety, which will obviously only make the problem worse.

In the meantime, the child psych service I used to work in frequently used the linked e-book to work with children and families: http://www.dulwichcentre.com.au/beating-sneaky-poo-1.pdf

The name is awful I know, but it's a brilliant resource for this kind of issue! It's largely targeted towards strategies for parents, but there is an illustrated section that is intended to be read with your child. It educates them (in a child friendly and slightly silly/humorous way) about how the bowel functions and what they can learn to do in order to avoid embarrassing incidents.

ProfessorPlum

As well as the article above, you might find this helpful

http://www.americanbusinessmedia.com/images/abm/pdfs/events/neal_library/Contemporary%20Pediatrics--Class%20A%20Cat%205--2.pdf

It's targeted at medical professionals, but it might help you to get to the reasons behind the problem. There's also some parent guides at the end.

Good luck, I know it is incredibly frustrating.

LadyMayBelle

DesperateMum wrote: »

Hi all,

Please bear with me as its a bit long winded but I am beside myself with worry over my 6 year old son.
He has been diagnosed with dyspraxia a while back. We are waiting on an appointment with a psychologist for further assesement for ASD. He also has a huge anxiety problem. We are having serious trouble with him at the moment regarding his toilet behaviour; namely pooing.

He refuses point blank to do it in the toilet. He soils himself practically every time. He hides in corners of rooms, under tables, out the back garden....anywhere he can, and goes and then runs to the toilet. He will either drop it in the loo or else just take off his trousers and pants then he wipes himself with a towel or anything he can get his hands on. It is not always toilet roll. We have wipes on standby for him but he wont use them. He will wee no problem but refuses to the point of holding it in, rather than poo in the toilet. I have had to go to Temple Street with him before because he was doubled up with cramps and has given himself constipation because of it. It can't be good for him, holding it all in but he just WONT poo in the toilet for us. I have tried the softly softly approach of talking to him and trying to reassure him that it is normal, we all do it etc. I have tried telling him to shout when he is running to the loo so I can go with him and be there when he needs me. I've gotten frustrated when I have ran out of pants or trousers for him and he's done it again and I've nothing clean for him. I've done all I can possibly do to try help him with this and it is possibly at the worst its ever been. I can't keep up with washing his clothes and it is guaranteed that he will soil everything he wears.

He refuses to tell us when he needs to go and will either jump up and run out of the room or will sneak off and hide. I am beside myself with worry and frustration. We are at a complete loss as to what to do, how to tackle it and how to respond and make him do it properly. We cannot see this resolving itself and don't know if it is a medical thing or a psychological thing. I am desperate for answers and help....and I'm hoping I can possibly get some advice or help as I don't know where else to turn. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

This sound so frustrating and difficult for ye all. Really tough. Im gonna chime in with my two cents worth and please take/leave what you wish. Few questions and hope i can help a bit.

From your post, this is a new occurrence? I am assuming there where none if minor toileting issues previous to this occurrence? Has there been any changes; house move, family breakdown, bereavement, new teacher, illness or other stress?

Will he poo in someone else's house, or in school? I cant see reference to that in your post but that would be good to know.

What is his reaction after pooing; does he enjoy the sensation/dislike the sensation; i read some posters asked about splashing or environment factors in the loo (scared of bathroom/noises whatever)

From my experience, when medical issues have been ruled out (and i think it is important to rule those out), children will regress if they are experiencing some kind of emotional distress. Ive worked with children and teenagers who 'hold stuff in' and deposit it places that are not the toilet (ie behind a sofa, in a specific corner, or just not go at all). You mention he has a huge anxiety problem; anxiety about what?

You describe yourself as 'beside yourself with worry', 'at a loss' and 'desperate' which i think is perfectly normal as his parent! But I would suggest looking at how you and others in the house contain anxieties; what is your son picking up. Note of warning here please do not get bogged down thinking 'its all my fault, it's NOT but he is 6 and will pick up what is going on around him, how anxiety and stress is managed; is it bottled up and hidden or are anxieties talked about and shared (appropriately!) I have to stay in work I have def noticed a difference in the child when parents contain their anxieties appropriately. Talk to someone. Seek some help (for you and him, maybe play therapy or psychology as youve done) for his emotional distress because i believe that could be what he is experiencing .

You're doing the right thing reassuring and not getting angry at him. Encourage him to help clean up afterwards too, suggesting ye clean it together and reassure him it is ok. Rewards charts, give them a go, being very careful how you do it; reward him each time he uses the loo ; but never deduct points/sticker when he doesn't.

Bit of a ramble but maybe you can take something from it. Good luck, it really sounds hard.

Lucyfur

I really feel for you, OP. I went through similar with my own son, although he wouldn't go anywhere, he just resisted against it.

I tried everything. Good cop, bad cop, reward charts, praise, talking, hugs, special underwear, potty, medical route, psychological route. It was awful. My son has autism and elements of dyspraxia, we had a whole team of professionals guiding us and still, nothing worked. It was easily the hardest part of parenting I have come up against. He was on laxatives for a full year and he still resisted against bowel motions.

While it was happening, his father and I were going through a horrendous break up. I believe my son was stressed and confused and as he was non verbal at the time, I think this was his way of controlling things.

Then, like the flick of a switch, one day he just started going again. Years on, he's very fussy about toilets, but that's no big deal. I know my post has absolutely no advice for you but you're not alone and there is light at the end of the tunnel