Have you ever ended a relationship with a good friend, why?

Generic Dreadhead

Candie wrote: »

If a friend is going through a life changer like a death or an illness or having kids, or divorce, or a million other things, and you dump them because you're not having a good time anymore, you're not much of a friend.

An answer like 'Ugh, ffs...' to a perfectly polite and reasonable post says a lot about tolerance levels.

I'm all for people having kids, and i understand how some people take it in a better social stride then others, but at what point is the cut off for this "support" for the "life changing" event?
I'm not arguing so much as wondering at what point would YOU go, f**k this it's all about them and the kids, is it 6 months? 1 year? 2 years? 5 years?

Cause believe you me if you think it's socially acceptable for people to provide a one way street style of friendship for an overly long period of time, then you or anyone else is going to end up wasting (perhaps not a good choice of word but i can't think of another) a decent portion of your life giving support to a person who doesn't support you back.

Plenty of my friends and family have kids and coped with it differently

I don't support "dumping" anyone, i've had many friendships which have ended either amicably by drifting apart, or more aggressively via confrontation etc.

Calling me out for being one of the people to feel truly tired of the over used "i'm a parent, you'll understand when you have kids" rhetoric, does not give you the right to position it as if i'm heartless to peoples personal tragedies.

Leave your attempts at social policing at the door and understand that not everyone prescribes to the "Kids or GTFO" agenda.

I'm sure you're a perfectly reasonable person, and in hindsight i should have lead with this explanation instead of adopting my typical AH offhanded approach, for that I apologise.

TL DR: When do you want me to stop emotionally supporting people who have kids? When they finally feck off to college at 18 can I tell you about my hassle with the insurance company, cause you know, maybe thats causing me some low level stress and i'd really appreciate being able to talk to a friend about it

Cormac...

Cormac... wrote: »

I'm all for people having kids, and i understand how some people take it in a better social stride then others, but at what point is the cut off for this "support" for the "life changing" event?
I'm not arguing so much as wondering at what point would YOU go, f**k this it's all about them and the kids, is it 6 months? 1 year? 2 years? 5 years?

Cause believe you me if you think it's socially acceptable for people to provide a one way street style of friendship for an overly long period of time, then you or anyone else is going to end up wasting (perhaps not a good choice of word but i can't think of another) a decent portion of your life giving support to a person who doesn't support you back.

Plenty of my friends and family have kids and coped with it differently

I don't support "dumping" anyone, i've had many friendships which have ended either amicably by drifting apart, or more aggressively via confrontation etc.

Calling me out for being one of the people to feel truly tired of the over used "i'm a parent, you'll understand when you have kids" rhetoric, does not give you the right to position it as if i'm heartless to peoples personal tragedies.

Leave your attempts at social policing at the door and understand that not everyone prescribes to the "Kids or GTFO" agenda.

I'm sure you're a perfectly reasonable person, and in hindsight i should have lead with this explanation instead of adopting my typical AH offhanded approach, for that I apologise.

TL DR: When do you want me to stop emotionally supporting people who have kids? When they finally feck off to college at 18 can I tell you about my hassle with the insurance company, cause you know, maybe thats causing me some low level stress and i'd really appreciate being able to talk to a friend about it

I've been there myself as an audience to a friends life, but your reply to a civilised post seems rude and intolerant, which can easily be assumed to be part of your character. I shouldn't have jumped to that conclusion however, and for that I apologise.

I've been in your shoes (but not to do with kids) and lasted a few years before it ended because I tried to talk about the one-sidedness of the friendship. There have been other friends who have gone through a prolonged difficulty, and as much of a slog as it's been sometimes, I've stuck with them because I know it's not in their character to be so self absorbed and that when times are better for them, they'll be better at friendships again.

TheBeardedLady

Candie wrote: »

TL:DR? You have to listen to your friends, but when you do nothing but listen and are never listened to you're not really a friend, you're just an audience.

This is quite common. I've had a few situations like this in my life and I don't know if it's because I'd naturally be a listener, so it might come across like I just want to listen...or if they actually don't care. How people can be so unself-aware is beyond me.

Green Giant

I was friends with a neighbour for the best part of 10 years until he suddenly decided to stop communicating me for no apparent reason and I later found out that he often criticised me behind my back, even though when I asked him if there was a problem he said no.

In Lonesome Dove

Mrs Garth Brooks wrote: »

Whatever about friends, its worse when it comes to family. There will be akward times and other family events that you will have meet again some day. I am dreading the day.

I had a brother who went to Australia over two and a half years ago. I tried keeping in touch, sent him messages, but it was me that was keeping in contact. I didn't hear from him for my birthday, when I was doing my exams, no good luck messages, when I passed my exams, when I graduated. Nothing. It didn't make it easier that he was ringing everyone else in the village, the neighbours, and other relatives. Whatever I did on him.

I brought it up with him last year, and asked him what's up, you're able to ring everyone else, and told him it was very hurtful not to give damn. That is how it looked.

And he fcuked me out of it, calling me every name under the sun. How it was my fault, I don't know.

I had my sister give me a talk that I could have made amends because he got someone knocked up. Could have congratulated him, could have apologised. Apologised, as if it was my fault.

He could have also made amends, see how i was doing when I went on a working holiday visa to Australia last year but instead i got nasty messages from him saying to stay away from him. Or how about an invite to his daughters christening, everyone got one.

Coming from my sister, and the same brother also ignored her messages. She might be happy to roll over and take whatever attention she gets.

Roll over?

She probably saw his lack of contact home in a different light than you. As him perhaps being busy with work, getting used to a new country and a new climate.

Some people unintentionally lose touch too.

It's easy when you're busy for one day to roll into the next, putting things on the long finger - 'ah sure I'll phone home at the weekend' and then it's put off. Before long weeks, even months go by.

TheBeardedLady

Candie wrote: »

They take it as a personal criticism, regardless of how you word it. I was very clear to my ex friend that I just wanted to understand why things had become that way, that I wasn't criticising, just that I was finding it difficult to talk about things that are important to me.

To be fair to her, maybe I thought the friendship was deeper or better than she did, and maybe I expected too much reciprocity. If one party can walk away and not even talk about it, there really wasn't much there to begin with.

It's not great to hear your faults and I understand the initial defensiveness if they catch you off guard but if a friend has ever broached a problem they have with me, I'd probably be shocked and get a bit defensive then I'd finally get a grip of myself and try to resolve it and make things right because when it comes to the crunch, I value that person in my life. If someone doesn't try to resolve the situation or find a middle ground, then you're better off leaving it completely.

I've only ever ended/phased out one long-term friendship but it wasn't related to an argument or anything but the friendship became more than I could handle without being a qualified counselor or psychologist and I had to leave it. I regret it though and would love to rekindle it again if I knew where she was. I don't live in Ireland anymore which makes it harder. It upsets me to think about it, actually and I'm studying psychology now and hopefully I can be of some help to her down the line.

Other friendships just ended of their own accord but that's life; friendships can be for a period of your life and when you accept that, you can be much happier.

Mrs Garth Brooks

In Lonesome Dove wrote: »

Roll over?

She probably saw his lack of contact home in a different light than you. As him perhaps being busy with work, getting used to a new country and a new climate.

Some people unintentionally lose touch too.

It's easy when you're busy for one day to roll into the next, putting things on the long finger - 'ah sure I'll phone home at the weekend' and then it's put off. Before long weeks, even months go by.

Busy with work, new country, new climate didn't stop him from ringing other people.

Months went by for his own family. But not the neighbours.

Generic Dreadhead

Mrs Garth Brooks wrote: »

Busy with work, new country, new climate didn't stop him from ringing other people.

Months went by for his own family. But not the neighbours.

He thinks he's better than you, well maybe not that, but something like that, so seeks validation from everyone who is not closest to him, as far as he considers it, he's already won you over, you already adore him, you think he's the bees knees, other people need more regular reminders.... THIS is why he exploded at you when you confronted him, confronted by his worst fear that not only does everyone not think he's a legend, but by the fact the people who should adore him by default do not..... You do realise he is very important, successful, handsome and clever don't you? Very Important.

I'm met people like him in Narcissists Anonymous

Earthhorse

Not ended things myself but have had one friend end things with me. This was after months of him flying off the handle at the smallest perceived slight. There's only so much you can put up with that kind of thing before you get tired of the lack of effort on their part.

verywell

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

This is quite common. I've had a few situations like this in my life and I don't know if it's because I'd naturally be a listener, so it might come across like I just want to listen...or if they actually don't care. How people can be so unself-aware is beyond me.

About a year after finishing college a friend stopped talking to me. No explanation nothing. Just wouldn't answer any texts. Could not understand what I did wrong but gave up trying to find out.

Last year I ended up letting go of 2 separate friendships. Both well over 20 years of friendship. Although now I do not have a "best friend", I do not regret my decision to let go. I am lonely sometimes but I know if I kept up those friendships I was not being true to myself.

I was only a soundboard, an audience, a complimenter. So one sided and so disappointing.

whatdoicare

KomradeBishop wrote: »

Sounds nearly like gaslighting this - I would say it is nearly a certainty that you did not do anything to trigger that, she just had a serious screw loose.

Wow, Id never heard this term before now, sounds about right. Ha, never thought of it like that before. Makes sense.

Mariasofia

I ended a friendship about 10 years ago after just having enough of the way she was treating me.....
She texted a few months ago out of the blue asking how I was and if Id like to meet up for a coffee!???
I replied to text as I dont really bear grudges but thought after 10 years there was no point in meeting tbh.....and also kinda questioned her motives after such a long time!

minotour

verywell wrote: »

I was only a soundboard, an audience, a complimenter. So one sided and so disappointing.

I dont follow, are you saying that was your role with these people? I know several of each of these types, ive always assumed they are unaware of their role, thus they never contribute beyond those capacities.

For the record, nothing wrong with being a soundboard or an audience as long as its reciprocated. Being a complimenter was entirely within your own control though.

Underground

suicide_circus wrote: »

Time can never mend the careless whisper of a good friend. To the heart and mind, ignorance is kind. There's no comfort in the truth, pain is all you'll find

Now that fecking saxophone riff will be stuck in my head for the rest of the day.

0byme75341jo28

verywell wrote: »

About a year after finishing college a friend stopped talking to me. No explanation nothing. Just wouldn't answer any texts. Could not understand what I did wrong but gave up trying to find out.

Same's happening to me with two different people, just started college after finishing school last year. I've bumped into one of them a few times on nights out and we got on like a house on fire, like we always did, but I know it'll be up to me to keep in touch with him, so I've decided I just won't make an effort and see if he actually bothers.

The other fella moved away, hasn't spoken to me in a month and a bit. I know you can say people move on, but like, they could at least reply to texts or Facebook messages the odd time. It's only made worse by the fact that I don't really know anyone in college yet, so I basically have no friends I see regularly anymore because the rest of them go to college elsewhere...

looking_around

I've never had a long term friend

verywell

minotour wrote: »

I dont follow, are you saying that was your role with these people? I know several of each of these types, ive always assumed they are unaware of their role, thus they never contribute beyond those capacities.

For the record, nothing wrong with being a soundboard or an audience as long as its reciprocated. Being a complimenter was entirely within your own control though.

Yes that was what one of them wanted from me. I was there to bolster her up but it was never reciprocated. So one sided and very tiring mentally.

It was all within my control. I eventually had enough of fake friendships.

verywell

Kyra Deafening Temperature wrote: »

Same's happening to me with two different people, just started college after finishing school last year. I've bumped into one of them a few times on nights out and we got on like a house on fire, like we always did, but I know it'll be up to me to keep in touch with him, so I've decided I just won't make an effort and see if he actually bothers.

The other fella moved away, hasn't spoken to me in a month and a bit. I know you can say people move on, but like, they could at least reply to texts or Facebook messages the odd time. It's only made worse by the fact that I don't really know anyone in college yet, so I basically have no friends I see regularly anymore because the rest of them go to college elsewhere...

It will get better. Hard and all that it can be now. People are strange and have their own agenda in life. Sometimes we are just not part of it and we can be the better for that in the long run.

The only advice I could give you is to try find a club or group that you might be interested in and try join it. You never know who may be there waiting for you and your friendship.

Kyra Deafening Temperature

Kyra Deafening Temperature wrote: »

Same's happening to me with two different people, just started college after finishing school last year. I've bumped into one of them a few times on nights out and we got on like a house on fire, like we always did, but I know it'll be up to me to keep in touch with him, so I've decided I just won't make an effort and see if he actually bothers.

The other fella moved away, hasn't spoken to me in a month and a bit. I know you can say people move on, but like, they could at least reply to texts or Facebook messages the odd time. It's only made worse by the fact that I don't really know anyone in college yet, so I basically have no friends I see regularly anymore because the rest of them go to college elsewhere...

Your first year in college is usually a time when you make friends, and they tend to stay with you longer. In a way it's better to be in a different college from the rest, since you'll be expanding your social circle instead of hanging out with the same friends.

I've known people who when to college and hung around with old schoolfriends all the time, and left after not making a single new friendship. I think it's a terrible pity really.

R.D. aka MR.D

Tangatagamadda Chaddabinga Bonga Bungo wrote: »

Kids can change people. It's a pity that you say your friend lost her whole personality and all her time to just being a parent but sh1t happens. Maybe she needed a friend like you to give her a life outside of being a parent. To show her she can still have a good time and enjoy herself without her kids.

I don't know you and I'm not judging you but kids are the biggest life changing event you can go through bar none.

If you read my post, it was after her second child was born that I finally gave up.

I tried to 'support' her and be there for her. I tried to ask her to do things with me. I went and sat in her house night after night to keep her company.

What really ended the friendship was her constant questioning of my life choices.

I was 24 at the time she had her first and she was constantly saying things like 'when will you get married'/''oh you should have kids'/'you'll never be happy if you don't have kids'/'why are you moving to Asia, you'd be so much more happy if you stayed here, got married and had kids'.
I don't think that it is fair of her to bring 2 kids that she can't afford into this world and rely on government handouts to raise them but I never once mentioned that to her and feel kind of bad for thinking that.

But because she has kids she has the right to question my life choices?
Just because I'm a woman, doesn't mean that I want or should have kids. I get to make the choice.


You should also notice in my post that I have other friends with kids. They didn't wrap themselves up in their kids. They can't go out or anything so I go to them which is fine. We have a quiet night in and discuss things that are interesting to both parties.


If having children turns you into a judgmental bore then I'll stay childfree.

Rubberlegs

There have been a few times I have had to let people go. The girl I was best friends with in primary school, and secondary, would be the first. We went through everything together, all the teenage stuff. We both got pregnant young, and our little ones were friends. Gradually, it became only me making the effort to meet up, she would drop plans at the last minute, sometimes just not showing up. It wasn't on when my little one was upset at being let down. I gave up making contact, and that was it.
Another friend I had for about ten years is a very toxic person, I actually don't know how I was friends with her for so long. She was only happy when gossiping about others, and delighted to hear of things going wrong for someone. In the end it was my teenager she was gossiping about, and repeatedly denied it to my face. She was gossiping about stuff my daughter and her's were both doing, but to her it was my girl solely at fault. That was that, cut ties, I cannot stand when someone won't level with you.
Another girl I was friends with, or at least thought we were , disappeared when my Dad died. She was one of the first people I rang to tell he had passed. She didn't send a card, or come to the funeral,never contacted me at all. I was gutted. It's true you find out who you're true friends are in a crisis, as others have said. My best friend now is a true friend. Our lives couldn't be more different. I have 3 kids, she has none. My time with her is time to escape the house, I can tell her any worries, but I don't bang on about the kids. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be great friends with another mother, but have been there and done that, and am very wary of it , to be honest.

Frigga_92

Yep, my best friend in school. I had a horrible childhood and when I was 14/15 I went through some bad stuff and it was just easier for me to end our friendship. I know she was upset about it as she told some mutual friends and I was upset too but I was in my shell then so there was nothing I could do about it.

There's another girl I'm friends with now but our friendship effectively ended 4 years ago. We used to work with each other, lived quite close to each other and would socialise with each other at least once a week, whether it was just dinner in one of our houses one evening during the week or a weekend trip off somewhere.
I ended up moving out of Dublin and in with my now husband and getting a job near my husband's house. She was very negative about me moving in with my husband from the very beginning. I was constantly trying to organise trips to see her, trips away together, trips for her to come down to see me and it just never happened, she was always busy. I spent about 6 months being rejected and eventually gave up and decided to leave it up to fate. In conversation she always tried to make out it was because I was off with my boyfriend and didn't have time for her which was NEVER the case.
In the 4 years since I moved away I have seen her once. We still keep each other in the loop about life but I wouldn't really call her a friend anymore.

0byme75341jo28

Candie wrote: »

Your first year in college is usually a time when you make friends, and they tend to stay with you longer. In a way it's better to be in a different college from the rest, since you'll be expanding your social circle instead of hanging out with the same friends.

I've known people who when to college and hung around with old schoolfriends all the time, and left after not making a single new friendship. I think it's a terrible pity really.

It's just not nice having no one to talk to most of the time, and I'm a socially awkward fecker so I'm not great at this whole socialising thing... Once I make one friend I'll be grand though.

Macavity.

Kyra Deafening Temperature wrote: »

I know you can say people move on, but like, they could at least reply to texts or Facebook messages the odd time.

Went the whole year without seeing my best friend from secondary last year. Probably will only see him 1-3 times over the next year, if that.

Macavity.

Kyra Deafening Temperature wrote: »

It's just not nice having no one to talk to most of the time, and I'm a socially awkward fecker so I'm not great at this whole socialising thing... Once I make one friend I'll be grand though.

Have your class done anything? Get talking to one of them and just casually ask are they heading out any night or whatever? People in my course don't really like me that much tbh, but I have my own friends anyway so it's not the end of the world.

0byme75341jo28

Macavity. wrote: »

Went the whole year without seeing my best friend from secondary last year. Probably will only see him 1-3 times over the next year, if that.

Do you still speak to him though? I've a friend who moved to England in 5th hear and we still talk, I can deal with not seeing people it's people not making an effort that makes me give up on them.

I'd rather they told me to fúck off than just give me the cold shoulder tbh.

Kyra Deafening Temperature

Kyra Deafening Temperature wrote: »

It's just not nice having no one to talk to most of the time, and I'm a socially awkward fecker so I'm not great at this whole socialising thing... Once I make one friend I'll be grand though.

A likeable chap like yourself will have no problems .

Macavity.

Kyra Deafening Temperature wrote: »

Do you still speak to him though? I've a friend who moved to England in 5th hear and we still talk, I can deal with not seeing people it's people not making an effort that makes me give up on them.

I'd rather they told me to fúck off than just give me the cold shoulder tbh.

The odd Facebook message, but not very often tbh. We'd be pretty chilled about this sort of thing though.

J Mysterio

Mariasofia wrote: »

I ended a friendship about 10 years ago after just having enough of the way she was treating me.....
She texted a few months ago out of the blue asking how I was and if Id like to meet up for a coffee!???
I replied to text as I dont really bear grudges but thought after 10 years there was no point in meeting tbh.....and also kinda questioned her motives after such a long time!

Do go on... How was that received?

Generic Dreadhead

Kyra Deafening Temperature wrote: »

I'd rather they told me to fúck off than just give me the cold shoulder tbh.

Noone is going to do that though is the thing.

J Mysterio

Cormac... wrote: »

Noone is going to do that though is the thing.

Fuçk off!

ceadaoin.

FairytaleGirl wrote: »

Yes. For completely moralistic purposes. I had a friend who I was pretty close to for a few years but she had this habit of hanging around with younger ones - all girls here btw she's gay - (say we were 18/19 her other friends were 16/17)
She would often end up shifting them all at some point was kinda weird but I ignored it thinkin she didnt have alot of confidence or luck in the dating scene and maybe it was an ego boost.
But as her group of friends got older and started going to bars themselves she moved on to even younger ones again!buying drink and letting them drink in her house. The last straw for me was when she started it with girls from my younger sisters class (by this point the girls were 17, friend 25) I just cut ties and told her I couldn't be around her if she was gonna keep it up as she was gonna get into trouble at some point.
Havn't heard from her since - but heard she now has an actual girlfriend who's 18. She's 27. Least it's legal!

Ugh, that's creepy. Sounds like she was grooming these girls, with the buying alcohol and letting them drink in her house. Very weird.

Mariasofia

J Mysterio wrote: »

Do go on... How was that received?

Well enough....she accepted that the friendship ending was 100% her fault but said I was on her mind a lot....wtf!?
I replied along the lines of too much water under the bridge but I wished her well....

Generic Dreadhead

Mariasofia wrote: »

Well enough....she accepted that the friendship ending was 100% her fault but said I was on her mind a lot....wtf!?
I replied along the lines of too much water under the bridge but I wished her well....

Well there's an adult conversation if ever i heard one :pac:

should have called her a durty $lut and claimed she slept with your fella

Subacio

I find myself thinking about calling it a day with one of my friends. It all seems to be a bit one way for my liking. I do all the calling, texting and visiting. If it wasn't for me the friendship would be dead. Late last year I consciously made an effort to leave contacting her, until she contacted me. Five months went by without hearing from her. Eventually I got in touch as we were both invited to a mutual friends party, but its gone back to the way things were before.

I hate the thought of not seeing here again. I can talk to her about almost anything and she's been my deepest confidante for a couple of years now. But most of the time I feel like I'm being tolerated rather than a real friend.

Mariasofia

Cormac... wrote: »

Well there's an adult conversation if ever i heard one :pac:

should have called her a durty $lut and claimed she slept with your fella

I called her lots of names in my head as I typed my adult response.....I also stuck my tongue out as I hit send..... :-D

Generic Dreadhead

Subacio wrote: »

I find myself thinking about calling it a day with one of my friends. It all seems to be a bit one way for my liking. I do all the calling, texting and visiting. If it wasn't for me the friendship would be dead. Late last year I consciously made an effort to leave contacting her, until she contacted me. Five months went by without hearing from her. Eventually I got in touch as we were both invited to a mutual friends party, but its gone back to the way things were before.

I hate the thought of not seeing here again. I can talk to her about almost anything and she's been my deepest confidante for a couple of years now. But most of the time I feel like I'm being tolerated rather than a real friend.

Have you tried telling them how you feel?
If you just drop off the face of the earth, you will be the one who is the problem as you'll have cold shouldered them for "no good reason"

obriendj

Apologies for bumping this post but didnt get a chance to reply when reading yesterday

I ended a relationship with a friend about 10 years ago, but this post got me thinking about it again and wonder if you guys think i overreacted or if I was justified.

This friend, Jim, was a very good friend from school and we went on holidays together and spent the summer in America. There was always a few things he did that annoyed me like, he was very self involved and selfish mainly cause he was spoiled as a child, i reckon. Initially there was a good close knit of friends of around 6 lads from school. But as we went into different colleges the group of friends seemed to split, mainly down to just seeing less of each other and different interests.

So anyway 3 of the group (myself and Jim included) went away as part of a larger group for the summer, we all had a great time and met many other friends. When we came back, I saw more of my college friends but would still see the friends from America very regularly. Then after a few months Jim started to see a girl who we had met in America. He had previously told me in a heart to heart he had liked her so I told him to go for it. Then I think after a few days they started to go out. We would still meet up but he never told me he was seeing her. Months passed, before I heard through another friend that they were going out. It really annoyed me that he never told me that they were going out. I thought we were good mates so I stopped contacting him. (I didnt fancy this girl myself and was seeing someone else at the time, who agreed with me that it was a strange way to find out)

Months later he gets in touch saying he is off to a gig and that he was going with herself, I brought my girlfriend. Half way though the night, there was a lull in the conversation and my girlfriend just asks them "are you two going out?", they were surprised and said yeah and asked how I didn't know. I said i heard but you never said anything so wasn't sure. he apologized and thought i knew, when we left he said we should meet up more often. and will DEFIANTLY text me next week for a match. The day before the game I text him to see if he was around, he said he was busy but didnt hear from again. I saw him around town once or twice but wouldn't stop and chat.

A few years past and have since started seeing the other mates from school from the original group and have since become alot closer. It turns out that they didn't like Jim either because he wasn't a good friend. I think I made the right decision but wondering if you the posters think I was right or wrong.

DLMA23

Yes, I have no need of friends, they will always let you down in my experience.

I am a loyal, trustworthy friend with integrity, I have found through bitter experience that very few hold the same values true...maybe I have too high an expectation of them!?

I have many acquaintances now & choose keep myself to myself so as not to be further disappointed.