Surely, you can't be serious...

The Backwards Man

Look out, he's got a broken milk carton!

*from the movie Airplane wanted to be*

Galway K9

How much longer?
(Opens microwave), 2 more minutes chief

Jussnot Fairmann

Duggy747 wrote: »

Randy: Can I get you something?

Second Jive Dude: 'S'mofo butter layin' me to da' BONE! Jackin' me up... tight me!

Randy: I'm sorry, I don't understand.

First Jive Dude: Cutty say 'e can't HANG!

Jive Lady: Oh, stewardess! I speak jive.

Randy: Oh, good.

Jive Lady: He said that he's in great pain and he wants to know if you can help him.

Randy: All right. Would you tell him to just relax and I'll be back as soon as I can with some medicine?

Jive Lady: [to the Second Jive Dude] Jus' hang loose, blood. She gonna catch ya up on da rebound on da med side.

Second Jive Dude: What it is, big mama? My mama no raise no dummies. I dug her rap!

Jive Lady: Cut me some slack, Jack! Chump don' want no help, chump don't GET da help!

First Jive Dude: Say 'e can't hang, say seven up!

Jive Lady: Jive-ass dude don't got no brains anyhow! Shiiiiit.

a turkey is a bad person

C.K Dexter Haven

*runs across the thread topless*

RayM

"Who are you, and how did you get in here?"

"I'm a locksmith. And I'm a locksmith"

Larianne

"What a pisser!"

Larianne

"No, the white phone!"

...........

"I GOT it!"

"Thank you!"

ScummyMan

I just wanted to tell you both good luck, we're all counting on you.

fryup

The Backwards Man wrote: »

Look out, he's got a broken milk carton!

*from the movie Airplane wanted to be*

the Big Bus

which pre-dated airplane by 4 years, the first spoof movie ever??

Larianne

"There's a sale at Penneys!"

The Backwards Man

Larianne wrote: »

"There's a sale at Penneys!"

How much are Penney's going?

The_Valeyard

Not the best, but still had its good moments

Galway K9

How about buddhism?

yermandan

In before next poster who doesn't read the thread and just posts the Hospital quote

Birneybau

Right, haven't read the thread.








































MONO!

keano_afc

Thread wins. Chuckling away to myself here.

I know you, you're Kareem Abdul-Jabbar! Sorry son, you must have me mixed up with someone else. My name is Roger Murdock. I'm the co-pilot.

Larianne

*sings* "There is only one riverrrr, there is only one streeeeam..."

CPSW

keano_afc wrote: »

Thread wins. Chuckling away to myself here.

I know you, you're Kareem Abdul-Jabbar! Sorry son, you must have me mixed up with someone else. My name is Roger Murdock. I'm the co-pilot.

Joey: I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't work hard enough on defense. And he says that lots of times, you don't even run down court. And that you don't really try... except during the playoffs.

Murdock: The hell I don't! Listen, kid. I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I'm out there busting my buns every night. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes.

CPSW

Rumack: What was it we had for dinner tonight?

Elaine: Well, we had a choice of steak or fish.

Rumack: Yes, yes, I remember, I had lasagna.

Best comedy of all time!!

Larianne

"When Kramer hears about this the shít's gonna hit the fan"

*shít hits fan*

philstar

who remembers The Repossessed the p!ss take of The Exorcist

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbpmRl018RY

Hoop66

fryup wrote: »

the Big Bus

which pre-dated airplane by 4 years, the first spoof movie ever??

Six months to live!
Six months to live!

Capt'n Midnight

Ted Striker: Because of my mistake, six men didn't return from that raid.

Elaine Dickinson: Seven. Lieutenant Zip died this morning.

MistyCheese

If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate

Galway K9

Witness: Striker was the squadron leader. He brought us in real low. But he couldn't handle it.
Prosecutor: Buddy couldn't handle it. Was Buddy one of your crew?
Witness: Right. Buddy was the bombardier. But it was Striker who couldn't handle it, and he went to pieces.
Prosecutor: Andy went to pieces?
Witness: No. Andy was the navigator. He was all right. Buddy went to pieces. It was awful how he came unglued.Prosecutor: Howie came unglued?
Witness: Oh, no. Howie was a rock, the best tailgunner in the outfit. Buddy came unglued.
Prosecutor: And he bailed out?
Witness: No. Andy hung tough. Buddy bailed out. How he survived, it was a miracle.
Prosecutor: Then Howie survived?
Witness: No, 'fraid not. We lost Howie the next day.
Prosecutor: Over Macho Grande?
Witness: No. I don't think I'll ever get over Macho Grande. Those wounds run...pretty deep.

philstar

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

brilliant comedy writing

Galway K9

Galway K9

Clerk: Do you swear on the Constitution of the United States to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
Witness: Ain't no thing.
[he slaps the clerk's book and the clerk uses his book to slap the witnesses hand as if "giving fives" to each other]
Defense Attorney: [approaches the witness as he sits down in the witness stand] Would you describe, in your own words, what happened that night?
Witness: Check it, bleed. Bro... was ON! Didn't trip. But the folks was freakin', Man. Hey, and the pilots were laid to the bone, Homes.
[the stenographer wears sunglasses and sways back and forth as he types]
Witness: So Blood hammered out and jammed jet ship. Tightened that bad sucker inside the runway like a mother. ****.

keano_afc

Almost forgot one of the best:

Ted Striker: My orders came through. My squadron ships out tomorrow. We're bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri at 1800 hours. We're coming in from the north, below their radar.
Elaine Dickinson: When will you be back?
Ted Striker: I can't tell you that. It's classified.

Tea 1000

Doctor: Captain, how soon can we land?

Striker: I can't tell.

Doctor: You can tell me, I'm a doctor.

Striker: I mean I can't tell how soon we can land.

Doctor: Can't you make a guess?

Striker: Hmmm... not for another 20 minutes.

Doctor: You can't make a guess for another 20 minutes??

Galway K9

Tea 1000 wrote: »

Doctor: Captain, how soon can we land?

Striker: I can't tell.

Doctor: You can tell me, I'm a doctor.

Striker: I mean I can't tell how soon we can land.

Doctor: Can't you make a guess?

Striker: Hmmm... not for another 20 minutes.

Doctor: You can't make a guess for another 20 minutes??

No, we can't land for another 20 minutes.

keano_afc

Tea 1000 wrote: »

Doctor: Captain, how soon can we land?

Striker: I can't tell.

Doctor: You can tell me, I'm a doctor.

Striker: I mean I can't tell how soon we can land.

Doctor: Can't you make a guess?

Striker: Hmmm... not for another 20 minutes.

Doctor: You can't make a guess for another 20 minutes??

That was between the doctor and Captain Oveur though right?

Tea 1000

keano_afc wrote: »

That was between the doctor and Captain Oveur though right?

You're right actually, I'd forgotten that! Must watch it again!

Capt'n Midnight

http://www.dailyscript.com/scripts/Airplane_script.htm

STRIKER (v.o.)
No one had ever outlined a physical
fitness program for them and they had no
athletic equipment.

Native examines basketball for first time. After two slow
dribbles, he gracefully feints lefts, then, dribbling
through his legs, sinks a two-hand, over-the-head, reverse
dunk shot.

Lapin

Here you are folks.

Just in case we run out of the stuff and panic grips us all.

Galway K9

Lapin wrote: »

Here you are folks.

Just in case we run out of the stuff and panic grips us all.

For gods sake if i told them once, i told them a thousand times.....

Reoil

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

http://www.dailyscript.com/scripts/Airplane_script.htm

STRIKER (v.o.)
No one had ever outlined a physical
fitness program for them and they had no
athletic equipment.

Native examines basketball for first time. After two slow
dribbles, he gracefully feints lefts, then, dribbling
through his legs, sinks a two-hand, over-the-head, reverse
dunk shot.

That script is very, very inaccurate.

Reoil

Tea 1000 wrote: »

Doctor: Captain, how soon can we land?

Striker: I can't tell.

Doctor: You can tell me, I'm a doctor.

Striker: I mean I can't tell how soon we can land.

Doctor: Can't you make a guess?

Striker: Hmmm... not for another 20 minutes.

Doctor: You can't make a guess for another 20 minutes??

It's two hours, not 20 minutes...

Tea 1000

Reoil wrote: »

It's two hours, not 20 minutes...

Damn it... I knew I should have googled rather than relying on my brain!

Peregrine

Smoking or non-smoking?

fryup

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMAgiG-tvy8

Aidric

Leslie Nielsen was an outstanding comedy actor. Police Squad is my go to show for the lols.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRva7z8pvwc

ScummyMan

Steve McCroskey: Two more minutes? They could be miles off course!
Rex Kramer: That's impossible. They're on instruments!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEywGpIt0vw

BBDBB

Is this some kind of bust?

branie2

We said, take your seat schmuck!

C.K Dexter Haven

*runs across the thread topless, again*

Hammer Archer

Jim never vomits at home.

branie2

Jim never has a second cup of coffee at home

Rawr

[the Wilson family arrives at the checkpoint]

Porter: Can I help you folks?
Alice Wilson, John Wilson: Oh, yes, thank you.
Porter: Aw, is that your dog, son?
[looking at Scraps, Jimmy's dog]
Jimmy Wilson: Yes, his name is Scraps, and he's going to the moon with us.
Porter: Oh no. No dogs are allowed in the shuttle son. I'm affraid Scraps will have to be shot.

[pulls out a gun, shoots the dog and the dog falls to the floor]

Jimmy Wilson: [shouts, bending towards his dog] Scraps! He shot him! He shot Scraps! He shot him!
Porter: Just joking. Blanks, see? Scraps is fine.
[Dog stands up]
Porter, Alice Wilson, John Wilson: [laughing]

Welsh Megaman

fryup wrote: »

the Big Bus

which pre-dated airplane by 4 years, the first spoof movie ever??

Blazing Saddles?