would you hook up with someone who was attached?

metaoblivia

Nope, I wouldn't. It wouldn't make me feel very good to be someone's bit on the side.

I have a friend who's doing this right now - carrying on a sexual relationship with a guy who has a girlfriend - and she's practically gleeful about it. She's met the girlfriend, hung out with her and constantly laughs about how the girl is threatened by her over little things, the girl is such an idiot, she's the guy's "real" #1. And I told her, the only person who's #1 in this guy's life is himself. Also my opinion of my friend has dropped since this all began. It's made me reconsider how close of a friend I want her to be. It's truly something to admit that you just don't give a flying f*ck about anyone but yourself.

bb1234567

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

No. Sex has never been hard to get that I've been driven to such desperate measures (and even then I'd opt for a twiddle than sex with a coward).

I actually had a casual thing with a guy for a while who was cheating on his girlfriend. I had no idea at all and when it all came out, she sent me abusive messages via Facebook and even when I explained to her that I didn't know about her, she continued to blame me. Stupid woman put the blame on the wrong person and they're still together. Who'd knowingly get involved in that kind of drama?

People dont want to believe that the person they trust has betrayed them so they take out their anger on the eaiser target

bb1234567

metaoblivia wrote: »

Nope, I wouldn't. It wouldn't make me feel very good to be someone's bit on the side.

I have a friend who's doing this right now - carrying on a sexual relationship with a guy who has a girlfriend - and she's practically gleeful about it. She's met the girlfriend, hung out with her and constantly laughs about how the girl is threatened by her over little things, the girl is such an idiot, she's the guy's "real" #1. And I told her, the only person who's #1 in this guy's life is himself. Also my opinion of my friend has dropped since this all began. It's made me reconsider how close of a friend I want her to be. It's truly something to admit that you just don't give a flying f*ck about anyone but yourself.

A girl like that probably bitches about you behind your back 24/7, no matter how close you think you both are, dont trust her with anything

anncoates

Siamese twins deserve love too.

Fr_Dougal

I think someone has to be a bit mentally unstable to cheat, and that includes both parties.

B.A._Baracus

TheZohan wrote: »

I think someone has to be a bit mentally unstable to cheat, and that includes both parties.

Nah. Wouldn't say there is anything mentally unstable about it. More so want your cake and eat it type thing.

conorh91

If a woman is married, marital fidelity is her responsibility, and not the responsibility of her lover. Obviously the converse applies to a man.

I would have no moral qualms about hooking up with someone I suspected to be married. If I had actual knowledge of their marriage, I'd have to think about the circumstances, but it's just not my responsibility.

Sex is a transaction, like any other. If you're a butcher, and some woman is buying your meat, why should you care if she's paying her debts elsewhere? As long as she's pulling out that hairy chequebook, be happy.

People dwell too much.

DoYouEvenLift

metaoblivia wrote: »

Nope, I wouldn't. It wouldn't make me feel very good to be someone's bit on the side.

I have a friend who's doing this right now - carrying on a sexual relationship with a guy who has a girlfriend - and she's practically gleeful about it. She's met the girlfriend, hung out with her and constantly laughs about how the girl is threatened by her over little things, the girl is such an idiot, she's the guy's "real" #1. And I told her, the only person who's #1 in this guy's life is himself. Also my opinion of my friend has dropped since this all began. It's made me reconsider how close of a friend I want her to be. It's truly something to admit that you just don't give a flying f*ck about anyone but yourself.

You need to confront her about this and tell her the harsh truth that unless the boyfriend ended his current relationship and became exclusive with her, she will never be "#1". However, even if he did, she still loses because how can she trust a guy who cheated in his old relationship to start a new one with her? After that, cut contact with her for good, she's a horrible kunt and definitely not someone worthy of friends who are obviously morally superior and decent human beings. What an idiot she is.

bb1234567 wrote: »

A girl like that probably bitches about you behind your back 24/7, no matter how close you think you both are, dont trust her with anything

100% this.

TheBeardedLady

bb1234567 wrote: »

People dont want to believe that the person they trust has betrayed them so they take out their anger on the eaiser target

Yep.

Daveysil15

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

No. Sex has never been hard to get that I've been driven to such desperate measures (and even then I'd opt for a twiddle than sex with a coward).

It's not always about the sex. A marriage may not work out and a person can fall for someone else. How exactly does it make the person a coward?

Shakespeare's Sister

conorh91 wrote: »

If a woman is married, marital fidelity is her responsibility, and not the responsibility of her lover. Obviously the converse applies to a man.

I would have no moral qualms about hooking up with someone I suspected to be married. If I had actual knowledge of their marriage, I'd have to think about the circumstances, but it's just not my responsibility.

Sex is a transaction, like any other. If you're a butcher, and some woman is buying your meat, why should you care if she's paying her debts elsewhere? As long as she's putting out that hairy chequebook, be happy.

People dwell too much.

It's hardly "dwelling too much" not to want to get involved with someone in a relationship if the opportunity arises. It is a big deal in fairness. I'm not judging people who have done it, but I don't agree with excuses to try and mitigate it either. If people do it, it's none of my business and sh-it happens - life's not black and white, but no point trying to disguise it as something less than it is either.

TheBeardedLady

Daveysil15 wrote: »

It's not always about the sex. A marriage may not work out and a person can fall for someone else. How exactly does it make the person a coward?

You're projecting here, Davey and referring to your own situation here and I wasn't talking about the woman you were seeing specifically as I don't know the ins and outs of it.

I was talking in general about cheaters; if you don't have the balls to leave someone before cheating on them, you're a coward. Vast majority of cheats I've met were cowardly in their actions.

Relationships not working -> try to fix it -> can't fix it -> leave person before being with someone else.

conorh91

Shakespeare's Sister wrote: »

I'm not judging people who have done it, but I don't agree with excuses to try and mitigate it either.

If you're refusing to accept their reasoning, then you are de facto judging those people. That judgment is based on your moral outlook.

You're free to judge whomever you want, and i'm free to sleep with whomever I want and ignore your morals.

I've cheated in the past. I've been 'revenge cheated' upon, and I'm sure I've been the third person in other relationships. Some of those situations are justifiable to me. If they aren't justifiable to a random person judging others on the internet, that's quite alright.

Daveysil15

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

You're projecting here, Davey and referring to your own situation here and I wasn't talking about the woman you were seeing specifically as I don't know the ins and outs of it.

I was talking in general terms about cheaters; if you don't have the balls to leave someone before cheating on them, you're a coward. Vast majority of cheats I've met were cowardly in their actions.

Relationships not working -> try to fix it -> can't fix it -> leave person before being with someone else.

Ahh I see what you mean, if someone is cheating and still playing happy family at home. Although it can be difficult in certain situations where there are kids for example.

Czarcasm

DoYouEvenLift wrote: »

You need to confront her about this and tell her the harsh truth that unless the boyfriend ended his current relationship and became exclusive with her, she will never be "#1". However, even if he did, she still loses because how can she trust a guy who cheated in his old relationship to start a new one with her? After that, cut contact with her for good, she's a horrible kunt and definitely not someone worthy of friends who are obviously morally superior and decent human beings. What an idiot she is.

"Morally superior and decent human beings" refer to other human beings as horrible kunts now?

Well, I suppose they would.

TheBeardedLady

Daveysil15 wrote: »

Ahh I see what you mean, if someone is cheating and still playing happy family at home. Although it can be difficult in certain situations where there are kids for example.

It's those kinds of situations I'm talking about that I'd say make up the majority. I'm not so black and white in my thinking that I don't realise there can often be more to a story.

DoYouEvenLift

conorh91 wrote: »

If you're refusing to accept their reasoning, then you are de facto judging those people. That judgment is based on your moral outlook.

You're free to judge whomever you want, and i'm free to sleep with whomever I want and ignore your morals.

I've cheated in the past. I've been 'revenge cheated' upon, and I'm sure I've been the third person in other relationships. Some of those situations are justifiable to me. If they aren't justifiable to a random person judging others on the internet, that's quite alright.

Best of luck forming and maintaining successful, trustworthy long term relationships in the future if that's your attitude.

Czarcasm wrote: »

"Morally superior and decent human beings" refer to other human beings as horrible kunts now?

Well, I suppose they would.

Oh, was I addressing myself in a post where I quoted another poster? That's funny, thought I was talking to and about them.

Daveysil15

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

It's those kinds of situations I'm talking about that I'd say make up the majority. I'm not so black and white in my thinking that I don't realise there can often be more to a story.

If they do make up the majority then the person involved wouldn't necessarily be a coward then. You may not be so black and white in your thinking but it often comes across that way.

Shakespeare's Sister

conorh91 wrote: »

If you're refusing to accept their reasoning, then you are de facto judging those people. That judgment is based on your moral outlook.

You're free to judge whomever you want, and i'm free to sleep with whomever I want and ignore your morals.

I've cheated in the past. I've been 'revenge cheated' upon, and I'm sure I've been the third person in other relationships. Some of those situations are justifiable to me. If they aren't justifiable to a random person judging others on the internet, that's quite alright.

I'm not refusing to accept reasoning, that's something I actually do accept.

I'm just not accepting that it's no big deal - it is when the bigger picture is considered. Insisting you're doing nothing wrong smacks of denial and actually not being that comfortable with what you're doing. Work away at it, not my business but no point pretending to yourself.

If people are unhappy in their relationships and meet someone they really like and things escalate, I fully see how it could happen and I'd even sympathise, but they're still doing the wrong thing. So much so if they were married it'd be grounds for divorce.

conorh91

Shakespeare's Sister wrote: »

I'm not refusing to accept reasoning, that's something I actually do accept.

I'm just not accepting that it's no big deal - it is when the bigger picture is considered. Insisting you're doing nothing wrong smacks of denial and actually not being that comfortable with what you're doing.

You're completely contradicting yourself. How can you "accept" the reasoning, if you dismiss it as self-delusion? That is a de facto rejection of the person's reasoning.

People maintain relationships for all kinds of reasons - financial convenience, children, or even non-sexual companionship. People stray for all kinds of reasons, too. If I'm having a one night stand with someone, it isn't appropriate nor necessary for me to act as a marriage counsellor, or to impose myself in another couple's affairs, so to speak.

Like i said, I'm saying this as someone who has cheated and been cheated upon. I suspect a lot of people are, in fact, and some are a little more bitter about it than others. Or else just too willing to impose their morals on others' lives. There's no shortage of that online.

TheBeardedLady

Daveysil15 wrote: »

If they do make up the majority then the person involved wouldn't necessarily be a coward then. You may not be so black and white in your thinking but it often comes across that way.

Bottle kettle black *passive aggressive smiley* Night night.

Edit: I don't understand your point btw. If someone is deceiving their partner and won't tell them the truth pretending everything is A1, they're cowards for the most part

Shakespeare's Sister

Well you did say Conor that you felt justified in cheating - denial is bound to come from that.
If a person cheats but says they know it was wrong, that's fair enough IMO. I'm hardly that judgemental. Some people are very black and white about cheating, I'm not. Denial about the ramifications of it is silly though.

Peist2007

indigo twist wrote: »

Yeah but isn't sex with someone who actually wants to be with you nicer ...?

Rather than with someone who sees you as their second (third? fourth?) choice?

Weird logic. The average person is nobody's first choice. Let's be realistic

Peist2007

TheZohan wrote: »

I think someone has to be a bit mentally unstable to cheat, and that includes both parties.

What a beta thing to say

DoYouEvenLift

Peist2007 wrote: »

What a beta thing to say

Not really. A person with an alpha mindset would have the will power to control themselves when tempted and stay faithful since they'd be totally secure and sure that the committed relationship they're in is what they actually wanted. And if not, they'd end it without thinking about it twice and move on unaffected.

Peist2007

DoYouEvenLift wrote: »

Not really. A person with an alpha mindset would have the will power to control themselves when tempted and stay faithful since they'd be totally secure and sure that the committed relationship they're in is what they actually wanted. And if not, they'd end it without thinking about it twice and move on unaffected.

Or maybe the whole alpha beta thing is a complete load of shiite?

conorh91

DoYouEvenLift wrote: »

Not really. A person with an alpha mindset would have the will power to control themselves when tempted and stay faithful

You seem to be confusing alpha personality with some kind of zen.

You could just as easily say "The alpha personality never gets frustrated or exasperated, because an alpha has sufficient will power"

"Will power" or self-control isn't what distinguishes alpha and beta. The distinction is much less objectively meritorious, such as tendency to dominate, tendency to manipulate, and so on.

DoYouEvenLift

Peist2007 wrote: »

Or maybe the whole alpha beta thing is a complete load of shiite?

If it can help some "nice guys" find their way to not being used like doormats by other people, which it can, then I'm all for the terminology and examples being used.

0byme75341jo28

Peist2007 wrote: »

Or maybe the whole alpha beta thing is a complete load of shiite?

Yep, nothing but complete overthinking.

Summer wind

Nah ain't got no time for that

Ficheall

I wonder how many of the people who said they would be willing to be the bit on the side, would also cheat on their own partner in a relationship...

ALiasEX

Why do people risk that the other parent of their child will be a dicky ****?

Daveysil15

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

Bottle kettle black *passive aggressive smiley* Night night.

Edit: I don't understand your point btw. If someone is deceiving their partner and won't tell them the truth pretending everything is A1, they're cowards for the most part

It's hardly passive agressive now, come on. I don't understand your point. I said its difficult in situations where there are kids involved. And you said those situations would make up the majority, yet they are cowards. It's not always that simple though.

Tarzana

Did when I was 18 (knowingly). Wouldn't do again. Live and learn.

AudreyHepburn

No never, not if you paid me. Why on earth would I want to be some guy's bit on the side, his dirty little secret?

I have more self respect, and respect for others than to lower myself to that.

And it doesn't bode well for the relationship either, if he cheated with me chances are he'd cheat on me.

If you are unhappy in a relationship, leave it, simple as.

Fat Christy

Isaac Ancient Rodeo wrote: »

Yep, nothing but complete overthinking.

A beta would say that. :rolleyes:

osarusan

I get the impression that the OP was talking more about a one night stand than a relationship.

More people would be willing to do the former than the latter, I'd imagine.

FairytaleGirl

As much as it galls me, I did - I was in an unhappy relationship and so was she.

Were together almost 4years now though so it was worth the guilt at the time.

Czarcasm

FairytaleGirl wrote: »

As much as it galls me, I did - I was in an unhappy relationship and so was she.

Were together almost 4years now though so it was worth the guilt at the time.

One thing I can say FTG about cheating, in general (and having been on every side of the fence at this stage!), is that it really has a way of showing you who genuinely cares about people, and who genuinely just cares about spreading malicious gossip that gives them a feeling of being superior to someone else.

I suppose whatever gets you out of bed in the morning.

Fat Christy

Czarcasm wrote: »

One thing I can say FTG about cheating, in general (and having been on every side of the fence at this stage!), is that it really has a way of showing you who genuinely cares about people, and who genuinely just cares about spreading malicious gossip that gives them a feeling of being superior to someone else.

I suppose whatever gets you out of bed in the morning.

loalae

I unknowingly went on a date with a married guy once.

Don't know whether it was more a turn off that he thought I'd believe his story that they'd been separated a long time and live together only for the sake of the children, the youngest was 2, or because his wife was apparently dying of cancer and he thought it was appropriate to be on a date while she was at home looking after them.


I don't care that I sound judgemental, that guy was an @rsehole and I was disgusted by him. I'd have to think very little of myself to get involved.

Czarcasm

Fat Christy wrote: »

Curtain twitchers Christy, they thrive on gossip.

Fat Christy

Czarcasm wrote: »

Curtain twitchers Christy, they thrive on gossip.

Maybe if you weren't off cheating with the quare one down the road, they wouldn't be gossiping? :cool:

Czarcasm

Fat Christy wrote: »

Maybe if you weren't off cheating with the quare one down the road, they wouldn't be gossiping? :cool:

True.

kryogen

In the past I have "hooked up" (nice euphemism for ****ed right there) with married women, engaged women and women in long term relationships, so I suppose it would be hypocritical for me to say no now wouldn't it?

Some examples of my **** behaviour, guy I didn't get on with, worked day and night behind his back to shag his girlfriend, but telling her I could only do it if they were broken up. She dumped him, we did it once. Straight after I told her I wasn't into her, that was a 3 year relationship

Met a woman through a social club, she had been married 9 years, got married young and was 6 years older then me at the time. ****ed her on and off for about 2/3 years, husband did find out when he found dirty pictures we had taken.

Ran into a hen party one night, ended up with the hen for her last bit of "freedom"

Now, I feel a bit bad about some of those things, and others I have done, but they are what they are, cant be changed at this point, I would not do stuff like that anymore i dont think. To my knowledge I have never been cheated on (always the pricks like me isn't it) but I can sort of put myself in their place now and imagine how much it hurts and I have no desire to do that to anybody again. It is just nasty and cruel, even if the woman is well up for it you don't have to be the one to have her betray her partner/family.

Sorry for the essay, mock as appropriate.

TheBeardedLady

Daveysil15 wrote: »

It's hardly passive agressive now, come on. I don't understand your point. I said its difficult in situations where there are kids involved. And you said those situations would make up the majority, yet they are cowards. It's not always that simple though.

Then there's confusion. Not situations where kids are involved but situations where cheater is playing happy happy with partner. Wasnt referring to kidd.

GLaDOS

Nah, would never knowingly do it. If she's going to cheat anyway, fair enough, but I wouldn't want to be involved.

HalloweenJack

I have done it previously. I kinda knew they had a partner but put it to the back of my mind. I can't say I'm proud or ashamed of it. It was just something that happened.

I don't know if I'd do it again, tbh. It'd depend on the situation.

Meathlass

Met a guy in Dublin one night over Christmas. He lived in city centre and went back to his. It had been lashing rain so went into bathroom to get a towel - noticed women's cosmetics, said they were his flatmate's.

Things moved into the bedroom (the only bedroom, which I hadn't noticed originally ). Even in the semi darkness I could see that it was a couple's bedroom - handbags, heels, photo of him and his girlfriend.

Stopped kissing immediately and tried to leave. He insisted they had broken up just before Christmas and she hadn't come to collect her stuff yet :rolleyes: Left, disgusted with myself for what had happened.

I often wonder what stopped me from continuing? When I was 17 I cheated on my first boyfriend when I went to college (relationship lasted 2 months, he was also cheating on me at home!). I'm ashamed of it but put it down to immaturity. Having been in serious relationships since I couldn't cause pain to another person. I know if they want to cheat they'll find someone but I don't want to be part of it.

8 years later I still think about that girl and wonder are they married or did he cheat with anyone else.

KomradeBishop

The way I look at it, it's consciously deciding to help someone break another persons trust, and participating in hurting that other person in the process - which is a pretty shít thing to do, no matter what way you look at it.

It's one of those situations, where just because the victim is someone the person doesn't know, who is at a distance, they care/empathize less about them - sometimes even think it's justifiable, because of this distance (which it isn't, because it's still actively helping to harm someone).

It's not as bad as being the person cheating, but it's pretty close on the scale of "shít things to do to someone".