New Flatmate has child - but hasn't told me yet. How do I approach?

Meathlass

my teapot is orange wrote: »

I don't know if it even is illegal, but if it is you would be fine about breaking the law and willing to take the consequences?

I'd have no hesitation in advertising a house and saying no couples or children.

my teapot is orange

Meathlass wrote: »

I'd have no hesitation in advertising a house and saying no couples or children.

You're not renting to couples or children though. And we're talking about the situation where the tenant hasn't been given advance warning of this restriction on their occasional guests. I don't know if they're entitled to that or if it's even allowed with warning.

Meathlass

my teapot is orange wrote: »

You're not renting to couples or children though.

My point exactly!

While I might be ok with a child spending a few hours in the house on a saturday afternoon, I most definitely wouldn't want them staying overnight.

And you can't equate a child to other guests like partners.

Anyway I feel we're going around in circles here and none of this is helping the OP. Hopefully she will let us know once she's spoken to the tenant.

eviltwin

How can you be sure it's his kid, could it be a godchild, niece or something? It would be very strange if he has a child who would be staying and didn't mention it.

my teapot is orange

Meathlass wrote: »

My point exactly!

While I might be ok with a child spending a few hours in the house on a saturday afternoon, I most definitely wouldn't want them staying overnight.

And you can't equate a child to other guests like partners.

Anyway I feel we're going around in circles here and none of this is helping the OP. Hopefully she will let us know once she's spoken to the tenant.

That's my point. It might not be about what you're ok with. It might come within the tenants rights if it wasn't too frequent and the child was kept out of your way.

It's important to consider that and find out first before deciding what tone to take with the tenant. Is this a polite request or a demand because if the OP gets that one wrong it could backfire.

anncoates

If it was my place and the guy wanted his kid stay over sometimes , I'd let them seeing as he's basically acquiesced to you having your mates crash there but your place, your rules.

Personally this is why I always avoided sharing with owners after a few times. They never seem to want tenants rather lodgers with no real rights to use the space

Meathlass

anncoates wrote: »

If it was my place and the guy wanted his kid stay over sometimes , I'd let them seeing as he's basically acquiesced to you having your mates crash there but your place, your rules.

Personally this is why I always avoided sharing with owners after a few times. They never seem to want tenants rather lodgers with no real rights to use the space

The OP isn't an owner, she's a tenant who's subletting the spare room in the apartment.

I can understand where other people are coming from but I would be very uncomfortable with a child staying regularly.

The_Conductor

Guys- you're all making a mountain out of a molehill here.
OP- you need to sit down and talk to the guy and ascertain the facts of the matter. Until you have further information- you have no reason or cause to take any action whatsoever.

jenningso

In fairness, speaking from experience, having an 18 month child stay over is not going to happen without an awful lot of planning. He wouldn't even attempt it without letting you know, believe me. Kids that age need a cot, high chair, bottles, toys etc. And most of all, routine. So, I wouldn't even worry yourself, there's no such thing as a random sleepover with a child that age. If it did happen, you've a right to nip it in the bud though. Most reasonable people would understand.

pwurple

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

If it's not that, ie if he's the type who is not allowed to have his child(ren) stay overnight with him, I'm not sure that I would want him as a housemate either!

What "type" exactly is that? Modern relationships are a bit more complicated these days. He might have had a one night thing with the mother, never been in a relationship with her, and they go for outings once a month or so. So his "type" would be someone who didn't force a girl to get an abortion with an unplanned pregnancy.

Or are you assuming this guy is a junkie because he isn't playing happy families and got married as soon as he knocked someone up?

Pinkmoon19

RainyDay wrote: »

My concern was that the way the OP phrased the issue, it seemed that her problem was with the flatmate having a child (without getting her permission beforehand to have a child) rather than a particular concern about the child being in the apartment.

Aaaah come on, you can't actually be serious? That was clearly not what I was getting at.

ghogie91

I cant believe you stalked my facebook and posted it on a public forum instead of coming to me about it....

Always number 1

wolfen wrote: »

Aaaah come on, you can't actually be serious? That was clearly not what I was getting at.

Years ago when I lived in a house share we rented a single room to a guy (we were all professional adults, no couples, no pets) and this guy never told us he had an 8 year old son who basically stayed every second weekend. Was up at the crack of dawn on Saturdays and Sundays, blaring the (communal) tv, eating whatever he wanted in the fridge (regardless of who owned it) and running up and down the stairs - total nightmare. I moved out after a few months of this. I know there's a hell of a difference between an 18 month old and an 8 year old but they both have needs to be met which will probably impact on your lifestyle. When you mentioned your mates staying over occasionally, that would have been the ideal time for him to mention it to you if he was planning on having the child staying over. Did he ask if he could have mates over occasionally? I don't think its unreasonable to ask him what his intentions are if indeed he has a child but before you say anything you have to decide if (a) you would have an issue with occasional sleepovers and could ye come up with a suitable arrangement or (b) you would be happy to ask him to leave if the outcome wasnt satisfactory. I am not against kids at all (I have a son myself now) but it is not practical in a house/flat share scenario when the other occupant has a different lifestyle. Good luck OP x

Pinkmoon19

ghogie91 wrote: »

I cant believe you stalked my facebook and posted it on a public forum instead of coming to me about it....

Your location is Athlone, nice try. Don't ruin the thread.

RainyDay

jenningso wrote: »

In fairness, speaking from experience, having an 18 month child stay over is not going to happen without an awful lot of planning. He wouldn't even attempt it without letting you know, believe me. Kids that age need a cot, high chair, bottles, toys etc. And most of all, routine. So, I wouldn't even worry yourself, there's no such thing as a random sleepover with a child that age. If it did happen, you've a right to nip it in the bud though. Most reasonable people would understand.

I've done sleepovers with 1-3 year olds with a travel cot and a nappy bag. It's not hard really.

_Kaiser_

pwurple wrote: »

Note to tenants... I look at the social media of every prospective tenant. It's in the public domain, and is often a very good indication of what they are like.

Note to landlords... While I have a FB account, I don't use it beyond the IM part for staying in touch with people that can't be got in other ways. It's all locked down anyway so won't tell you anything.

It certainly won't tell you that in over a decade of renting, I've never missed or been late with a payment, keep every place I've lived immaculate and indeed better than I got it, and have several happy landlords in my history.

Social media has it's place but the idea that it will tell you what someone is like as a tenant is a fallacy.

indigo twist

Look up my name on Facebook etc, and - even though it's not a particularly common Irish name - you'll get a handful of pages that might or might not be me. The majority have the same location as me, some even look like me. But I've never even met any of the other "me"s. Maybe I don't have a Facebook page at all! You don't know.

It's a really crappy stupid way of filtering potential tenants.

bucketybuck

_Kaiser_ wrote: »

Social media has it's place but the idea that it will tell you what someone is like as a tenant is a fallacy.

indigo twist wrote: »

It's a really crappy stupid way of filtering potential tenants.

Its as big a fallacy to think that there is no value at all in checking somebodies social media profiles. Nobody thinks that it will have records of your rent payments on there, but there may indeed be information that potential landlords may want to take into account.

An obvious example would concern those lads that destroyed that house in San Francisco. A google search for the Facebook page of one of the lads named in that will immediately show you that he was involved in the wrecking of a rental house. I'd sure like to know that if I was considering renting to him.

Its easy to set Facebook to private and chances are a landlord won't get anything from it. But if he can check it and he can see dozens of pictures of the mad-as-fuck house parties you like to throw then you can't blame him for taking that into account.

indigo twist

bucketybuck wrote: »

Its as big a fallacy to think that there is no value at all in checking somebodies social media profiles. Nobody thinks that it will have records of your rent payments on there, but there may indeed be information that potential landlords may want to take into account.

An obvious example would concern those lads that destroyed that house in San Francisco. A google search for the Facebook page of one of the lads named in that will immediately show you that he was involved in the wrecking of a rental house. I'd sure like to know that if I was considering renting to him.

Its easy to set Facebook to private and chances are a landlord won't get anything from it. But if he can check it and he can see dozens of pictures of the mad-as-fuck house parties you like to throw then you can't blame him for taking that into account.

Have you ever logged out of Facebook, logged in from someone else's profile, and looked up yourself? When I do this, there's a silly annoying brunette who (to anyone who doesn't know me, i.e. a potential landlord or employer) could very well be me. It would annoy me if I'd ever missed out on any opportunities because of this!

DoYouEvenLift

pwurple wrote: »

Note to tenants... I look at the social media of every prospective tenant. It's in the public domain, and is often a very good indication of what they are like.

What if you can't find theirs? Or if they don't have social media?

3DataModem

pwurple wrote: »

Note to tenants... I look at the social media of every prospective tenant. It's in the public domain, and is often a very good indication of what they are like.

Note to job applicants also.

Google has saved me a LOT of time filtering CVs.

Tasden

pwurple wrote: »

What "type" exactly is that? Modern relationships are a bit more complicated these days. He might have had a one night thing with the mother, never been in a relationship with her, and they go for outings once a month or so. So his "type" would be someone who didn't force a girl to get an abortion with an unplanned pregnancy.

Or are you assuming this guy is a junkie because he isn't playing happy families and got married as soon as he knocked someone up?

Also if the guy is renting with strangers then the mother of the child (and himself probably) is hardly going to want a baby staying over if there is a more secure/safe/stable set up with her full time. He may bring up the issue of baby staying over once he knows you better or he may never need to bring it up because whatever set up he has with the mother doesn't require him to take baby.

Also, on my ex's facebook page he comes across as an involved doting parent, the reality is entirely different and he has very limited involvement, his choice, not a case of being "allowed" or not as another poster said. So his supposed involvement in his child's life or the conditions of his access aren't necessarily an indication of what kind of tenant he'll be.

hdowney

Lads I think this is veering off topic. Re the social media 'stalking' it happens in every walk of life, you can't change that. You just have to hope that the person looking has some common sense re knowing there could be more than one profile with the same name etc.

OP I do think you just need to sit down and have a chat with the flatmate rather than making assumptions, it could be nothing, you won't know until you ask him.

3DataModem

_Kaiser_ wrote: »

Note to landlords... While I have a FB account, I don't use it beyond the IM part for staying in touch with people that can't be got in other ways. It's all locked down anyway so won't tell you anything.

It certainly won't tell you that in over a decade of renting, I've never missed or been late with a payment, keep every place I've lived immaculate and indeed better than I got it, and have several happy landlords in my history.

Social media has it's place but the idea that it will tell you what someone is like as a tenant is a fallacy.

It gives you plenty of information, for the vast majority of people (who use it more than you do).

_Kaiser_

3DataModem wrote: »

It gives you plenty of information, for the vast majority of people (who use it more than you do).

It's still not an accurate barometer. I could be a complete clown but if I have my privacy settings setup right, how can you tell?

But following on from this logic, if I apply for a job or go to rent your apartment and I don't have/use FB or you can't get at it, does that mean that's going to/should be "held against" me?

Personally I think Social media is for the most part a waste of time.. trivial nonsense about people's lives or spam that I have no interest in. Part of the dumbing-down of society though I suppose, but yes this is a tad off-topic now

3DataModem

_Kaiser_ wrote: »

It's still not an accurate barometer. I could be a complete clown but if I have my privacy settings setup right, how can you tell?

It's not useful for everyone, it is just very informative for most people.

For example a landlord renting to you might look at your post from a week ago out the fact that the Smyths sale is "a week before payday" as an indication that you are a very prudent individual who doesn't have a card, or someone with no liquidity for emergencies who may have issues paying rent.

Both interpretations could be wrong of course, but more information > less information.

RainyDay

3DataModem wrote: »

Note to job applicants also.

Google has saved me a LOT of time filtering CVs.

How on earth can it be quicker to do an unstructured search for unstructured information for people with non-unique names, compared to just reading a CV which gives the relevant information in a fairly structured form?

3DataModem

RainyDay wrote: »

How on earth can it be quicker to do an unstructured search for unstructured information for people with non-unique names, compared to just reading a CV which gives the relevant information in a fairly structured form?

Because I hire based on information that may not be captured on a CV. Also people lie on CVs. Er... that's why we do interviews

I interviewed someone last year who had posted on facebook that they couldn't wait for their next bout of "going traveling".

Mrs OBumble

pwurple wrote: »

What "type" exactly is that? Modern relationships are a bit more complicated these days. He might have had a one night thing with the mother, never been in a relationship with her, and they go for outings once a month or so. So his "type" would be someone who didn't force a girl to get an abortion with an unplanned pregnancy.

Or are you assuming this guy is a junkie because he isn't playing happy families and got married as soon as he knocked someone up?

The guy has a kid's car seat in his car: it's fair to assume that he is or has been playing a part in a child's life. Most people do not leave a car seat in their vehicle if they only use it once a month or so.

Whether or a non-custodial parent has access arrangements that include unsupervised access (meaning in his/her current house) and overnights is not dependent on the type of relationship between the parents (one-night-stand vs married-for-years).

But it does depend on

• Where things are up to legally - it can take a while to put arrangements in place, and
• The person's behaviour.

There are plenty of people who got married and played happy (sic) families, who don't get access. And they don't get it for damn good reasons, which would make me not want to share a house with them. These behaviours are by no means limited to being a junkie - which I think I'd spot when interviewing a potential housemate. Domestic violence perpertrators are a lot harder to spot - more info here: http://www.womensaid.ie/help/whatisdomesticviolence/myths.html

Let's hope for the OP's sake that it's the first factor which applies here.

Tasden

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

The guy has a kid's car seat in his car: it's fair to assume that he is or has been playing a part in a child's life. Most people do not leave a car seat in their vehicle if they only use it once a month or so.

Whether or a non-custodial parent has access arrangements that include unsupervised access (meaning in his/her current house) and overnights is not dependent on the type of relationship between the parents (one-night-stand vs married-for-years).

But it does depend on

• Where things are up to legally - it can take a while to put arrangements in place, and
• The person's behaviour.

There are plenty of people who got married and played happy (sic) families, who don't get access. And they don't get it for damn good reasons, which would make me not want to share a house with them. These behaviours are by no means limited to being a junkie - which I think I'd spot when interviewing a potential housemate. Domestic violence perpertrators are a lot harder to spot - more info here: http://www.womensaid.ie/help/whatisdomesticviolence/myths.html

Let's hope for the OP's sake that it's the first factor which applies here.

Not all access is decided through the legal route. If the parents are on good terms or can agree on things then no need for access orders or agreements. Its an arrangement between two mature and perfectly normal adults.
So there could be any number of reasons why he doesn't have access.
He may not have sought access at all.
Or it suits both parents for the father to just have casual/infrequent access.
Or the dad doesn't want the child in shared rented accommodation so visits the child at the mothers home.
The mother doesn't want her baby in a strangers home regardless of whether the dad wants to or not.
The dad takes the kid to toddler group every morning and they all get lunch as a happy little family afterwards and then mam takes baby home to hers after. Nothing at all to do with his character or domestic violence or anything of the sort.
Tbh the list is endless so I'm not even going to go on...