New Flatmate has child - but hasn't told me yet. How do I approach?

Michael D Not Higgins

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

The guy has a kid's car seat in his car: it's fair to assume that he is or has been playing a part in a child's life. Most people do not leave a car seat in their vehicle if they only use it once a month or so.

OP mentioned a window sun visor not a car seat. This could easily be left in place for months at a time without a need to remove it.

RainyDay

3DataModem wrote: »

Because I hire based on information that may not be captured on a CV. Also people lie on CVs. Er... that's why we do interviews

I interviewed someone last year who had posted on facebook that they couldn't wait for their next bout of "going traveling".

So just to be clear, your FIRST SOURCE for deciding whether to progress further with a candidate or not is their social media profile, rather than their work and educational history. You are more interested in whether they plan to go travelling than whether they have the actual experience you need for the job?

indigo twist

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

The guy has a kid's car seat in his car: it's fair to assume that he is or has been playing a part in a child's life. Most people do not leave a car seat in their vehicle if they only use it once a month or so.

My parents have my son's iso-fix base in one of their cars - you mightn't know what this is, but lets just say for all intents and purposes, it's the equivalent of a car seat, as it takes up one full seat and no one else can use that seat while it's there.

It's used maybe every three months? But, to my parents, it's not worth the effort of uninstalling it, as they never need all three back seats.

Have you ever had the hassle of installing or uninstalling an iso-fix base or a car seat in a car? It takes time.

And, while children are only legally required to be in car seats up until the age of four, many parents use them up until the age of eleven.

Many adults rarely carry passengers in their car, let alone multiple passengers. So it's completely normal that someone would have a car seat in their car all the time, even though it's only used occasionally.

Shakespeare's Sister

Seeing as a Facebook search is so easy - I mean, virtually zero trouble involved - what's so shocking about looking up a name on it? I know it doesn't seem ideal, but when something that accessible may (I emphasise "may" - I know it's not the be all and end all) give further insight into the profile of a potential house-mate, tenant, employee, whoever... would people really not check it? I know people wouldn't admit it or maybe wouldn't realise until actually in the situation, but would they really not do it?
This is why it's vital to keep your social media profile(s) as private as possible - the privacy options are there, so there's no excuse not to use them.

Victor

bucketybuck wrote: »

Your tone throughout this thread has been very strange, just who exactly are you trying to pick a fight with? Why the chip on your shoulder about people pointing that there are issues involved with having an 18 month old baby in your house unannounced?

If you are really going to go off on a tangent about how some adults need their nappies changed or start crying at 6am then I have to wonder if this is the right thread for it?

As they say, play the ball, not the man.

Moderator

MouseTail

RainyDay wrote: »

So just to be clear, your FIRST SOURCE for deciding whether to progress further with a candidate or not is their social media profile, rather than their work and educational history. You are more interested in whether they plan to go travelling than whether they have the actual experience you need for the job?

of course the first source is the CV, who has time to be looking up social media profiles of all job applicants. Shortlisted people can get searched. This sort of basic stuff re privacy settings and appropriateness of profiles should really be taught in schools.

Shakespeare's Sister

my teapot is orange wrote: »

I don't know if it even is illegal, but if it is you would be fine about breaking the law and willing to take the consequences?

What would the consequences be? Would it really be illegal to discriminate based on age when letting a room? Surely not? I mean, if I'm letting a room, I don't want to be living with a 21-year-old - more chances of them going out loads and I don't want that type of set-up anymore.

_Kaiser_ wrote: »

It's still not an accurate barometer. I could be a complete clown but if I have my privacy settings setup right, how can you tell?

They can't. But if a person's Facebook does give any clues about them and it's not locked down, then it's there for anyone to see.

billion dollar baby

Why is it ok for the OP to have her mates stay over after a night out (and i doubt you would be quiet as mice) but it's not ok for the the guy to potentially have his child stay over?
Surely if he is paying half the rent and bills he has just as much rights as the OP?

campingcarist

billion dollar baby wrote: »

Why is it ok for the OP to have her mates stay over after a night out (and i doubt you would be quiet as mice) but it's not ok for the the guy to potentially have his child stay over?
Surely if he is paying half the rent and bills he has just as much rights as the OP?

If the OP is a tenant then the OP would have all the responsibilities of the lease while the lodger has none of those obligations as well as the rules of the apartment complex (assuming the apartment is in a complex.

If the OP owns the apartment then as the home owner he has the right to decide on the rules that he wants.

By selecting a young man as a lodger in his apartment, the OP was not thinking of someone who had a child.

Personally, as a person who has had lodgers and has also been a lodger myself, I wouldn't worry until something happens - the child arrives in the apartment. Then, I would clearly indicate that this was not allowed.

It seems to me that a lot of people are jumping to conclusions.

DoozerT6

billion dollar baby wrote: »

Why is it ok for the OP to have her mates stay over after a night out (and i doubt you would be quiet as mice) but it's not ok for the the guy to potentially have his child stay over?
Surely if he is paying half the rent and bills he has just as much rights as the OP?

Disclaimer: the opinion below is based on the fact that that this guy MIGHT have a child, who may or may not be an occasional/frequent visitor - all we know at the moment is that he has a sun-visor in his car.

Thing is, there's a difference between adults visiting or staying over, and a toddler - especially when the OP wasn't informed of the possibility at the time she offered this guy the room. For one, adult guests are highly unlikely to attempt to drink a bottle of bleach they find under the sink, or try to flush the OP's keys down the toilet. A toddler might. Adult guests are unlikely (unless very drunk!) to wake up crying for attention at 3am. A toddler might. Adult guests are unlikely to need cupboard locks, anti-bump thingamijigs on the corners of tables, a high chair and buggy cluttering up the place, myriad of toys, a cot, etc. A toddler might. Adults, (unless again, very drunk!) are unlikely to have screaming tantrums, bang pots and pans, draw on walls, and generally demand the attention of whoever happens to be in their vicinity 24/7. A toddler probably will.

The bottom line is, no matter what you opinion on babies or children, the OP didn't sign up to have a child in her house on a regular/semi regular basis (again, we still don't know if this is the case, we're all just guessing here). That is her prerogative. Personally, I live in an apartment next to a family with several young children. As I type this, I can hear their toddler shouting and crying through the wall. He does this All.The.Time. ALL The Time. He is only quiet when he's asleep. And no, he doesn't have some sort of disability - he's a perfectly normal, VERY noisy toddler. If I had a tenant who suddenly announced that their small child would be staying over occasionally, I would tell them that I was not informed of this prior to them moving in, and would politely and with no animosity give them the required amount of notice for them to move out. I don't have children of my own and I don't want to live with other people's children.

Broken Arrow

I don't think it's a big deal

Broken Arrow

I don't think it's a big deal

bajer101

While I understand the OP's position, this thread is another indication of what is wrong with the rental philosophy in Ireland. When you live in a property and are paying for that property - be it a mortgage, rent, or rent a room - it should be your home. On the Continent there is a different philosophy to renting and long term rents are the norm. In Ireland everyone wants to buy a property and it's not surprising as the majority of properties for rent seem to aimed at short term rentals that are laden with rules that prevent the renter ever feeling that it is their home. For example, if you do a search on Daft looking for a rental property that allows pets you will get a very limited set of search results. And now that the market has become a landlord's market you will see landlords discriminating against renters who have children!

I know that this opinion is a little off topic from the OP's original post, but I do think that it is relevant to the psyche of the Irish when it comes to property. If you went to the German or French equivalent of Boards, I doubt that you'd see similar posts or attitudes. When people on the continent rent, they assume that it will be their home and they can have kids, pets, sleepovers, parties, barbecues and generally can behave as if they owned the property. There is something seriously wrong with our attitude towards renting property when a person who may have his child sleepover is considered a negative.

RainyDay

MouseTail wrote: »

of course the first source is the CV, who has time to be looking up social media profiles of all job applicants. Shortlisted people can get searched. This sort of basic stuff re privacy settings and appropriateness of profiles should really be taught in schools.

That sounds a lot more likely than 3DataModem's suggestion that "Google has saved me a LOT of time filtering CVs". But regardless, it is not a very reliable method. If you find nothing about a job candidate on line, where does he or she stand against a candidate about which you find something?

lukesmom

I read the title as your flat mate has died but hasn't told you yet

confusticated

bajer101 wrote: »

While I understand the OP's position, this thread is another indication of what is wrong with the rental philosophy in Ireland. When you live in a property and are paying for that property - be it a mortgage, rent, or rent a room - it should be your home. On the Continent there is a different philosophy to renting and long term rents are the norm. In Ireland everyone wants to buy a property and it's not surprising as the majority of properties for rent seem to aimed at short term rentals that are laden with rules that prevent the renter ever feeling that it is their home. For example, if you do a search on Daft looking for a rental property that allows pets you will get a very limited set of search results. And now that the market has become a landlord's market you will see landlords discriminating against renters who have children!

I know that this opinion is a little off topic from the OP's original post, but I do think that it is relevant to the psyche of the Irish when it comes to property. If you went to the German or French equivalent of Boards, I doubt that you'd see similar posts or attitudes. When people on the continent rent, they assume that it will be their home and they can have kids, pets, sleepovers, parties, barbecues and generally can behave as if they owned the property. There is something seriously wrong with our attitude towards renting property when a person who may have his child sleepover is considered a negative.

I agree with you, except it's different here - it's a flatmate who's wondering if the child will be staying over, not a landlord. "Generally behaving as if they own the property" never really applies when it's a shared flat or house, you always have to take flatmates into consideration.

bajer101

confusticated wrote: »

I agree with you, except it's different here - it's a flatmate who's wondering if the child will be staying over, not a landlord. "Generally behaving as if they own the property" never really applies when it's a shared flat or house, you always have to take flatmates into consideration.

Yep, you're right. My argument had very little to do with the OP's situation but their post and the replies struck a chord with me. I'm in the middle of a move myself, from one rented property to another and it has been a nightmare. I'm a guy with a kid and I want her to have a home. I've been in a lovely apartment for the last few years and she may as well have been in a prison. No pets, no ball games, no noise etc. I know it's probably a different discussion, but the OP really did strike a chord with me and got me thinking about what is wrong with the rental attitude in this country.

CIARAN_BOYLE

_Kaiser_ wrote: »

It's still not an accurate barometer. I could be a complete clown but if I have my privacy settings setup right, how can you tell?

But following on from this logic, if I apply for a job or go to rent your apartment and I don't have/use FB or you can't get at it, does that mean that's going to/should be "held against" me?

Personally I think Social media is for the most part a waste of time.. trivial nonsense about people's lives or spam that I have no interest in. Part of the dumbing-down of society though I suppose, but yes this is a tad off-topic now

Also what if your social media isn't in your own name but rather under a nick name or a username. Obviously it can't be tracked.

JustAddWater

indigo twist wrote: »

Have you ever had the hassle of installing or uninstalling an iso-fix base or a car seat in a car? It takes time

Wha? Seatbelt base, yes... ISO-Fix? Not a chance. It clips in and takes no time at all to install, that's the whole point of it. Definitely not a hassle

jelenka

I'd suggest you talk to the new tenant and ask straight out if he has a child and what his plans are in regards the child staying over , visiting etc . He needs to look elsewhere as it is clearly a problem with you . Obviously he needs to be able to bring a child over sometimes .

I don't see an issue with anyone with kids , I have kids too and I would hate for my partner if anything happenned to be refused accommodation just because he would have his kids visit once in a while .
I think you needed to put it clearer that you don't want kids in the house when advertising or when he was viewing the place .
Also , you don't know what his lifestyle is like , maybe he never takes the child for weekends and is out till the early hours and sleeping all day .

Michael D Not Higgins

JustAddWater wrote: »

Wha? Seatbelt base, yes... ISO-Fix? Not a chance. It clips in and takes no time at all to install, that's the whole point of it. Definitely not a hassle

This is all inconsequential. There's no car seat mentioned in OP's post, only a sun visor.

Pinkmoon19

Hi Everyone.

In the end I never had to awkwardly approach the new flatmate. We were chatting about our plans for the weekend last night and he told me he has a child. His arrangement with the Mother is that he gets the child either on a Friday night or on a Saturday night but has always brought the child to his parents house. He said he doesn't want to rock the boat with the Mother so he's going to stay doing that. So needn't have worried at all. Thanks everyone for all the advice and viewpoints.

campingcarist

Pinkmoon19 wrote: »

Hi Everyone.

In the end I never had to awkwardly approach the new flatmate. We were chatting about our plans for the weekend last night and he told me he has a child. His arrangement with the Mother is that he gets the child either on a Friday night or on a Saturday night but has always brought the child to his parents house. He said he doesn't want to rock the boat with the Mother so he's going to stay doing that. So needn't have worried at all. Thanks everyone for all the advice and viewpoints.

As I said, everyone jumping to conclusions.

indigo twist

JustAddWater wrote: »

Wha? Seatbelt base, yes... ISO-Fix? Not a chance. It clips in and takes no time at all to install, that's the whole point of it. Definitely not a hassle

The carseat itself clips in and out of the iso-fix base no bother ... we've always found it takes some time to install the base itself into the car, though. So it's not really worth the hassle when the seat wouldn't be in use anyways.

ohohseven

Maybe he didn't tell you because it's none of your business ?

Pinkmoon19

ohohseven wrote: »

Maybe he didn't tell you because it's none of your business ?

It would obviously have been my business if he was intending to have the child in the apartment. That I live in.

conorhal

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

It may be illegal, but I would have no qualms about age discriminating in who my housemates had to stay regularly.


Kids, especially babies / toddlers, need to be kids. They scream, throw food, projectile vomit, and have toilet accidents. They have toys that get scattered, and they run around the house. They draw on walls, play with pots and pan, and hide stuff in the house for fun.

Im fairness, so do bloody students, and from the sound of it, it's take the baby a couple of nights a month over her mates crashing all over the gaff after a mad night on the tiles.

Michael D Not Higgins

conorhal wrote: »

Im fairness, so do bloody students, and from the sound of it, it's take the baby a couple of nights a month over her mates crashing all over the gaff after a mad night on the tiles.

Which is why professionals would normally discriminate against sharing with students too.

bucketybuck

bajer101 wrote: »

While I understand the OP's position, this thread is another indication of what is wrong with the rental philosophy in Ireland. When you live in a property and are paying for that property - be it a mortgage, rent, or rent a room - it should be your home.

Thats not really the point of the OP though. Sure, once you have signed a contract you should be able to live as you see fit, but the OP would not have signed a contract or agreed to the guy as a tenant in the first place if he had disclosed that a child would also be living with him. Its far too important a piece of information to withhold from a landlord who is deciding whether or not to accept you as a tenant.

(Yes, I'm aware the situation was clarified, the principle still stands and the OP was correct to be concerned)

Gatling

So much ado about nothing really,

Glads things have worked out Op