Marriage in today's society: is it worth it for men?

I never thought that I wanted to get married, it was something that never appealed to me but then I met someone and after 5 years with them my opinion of marriage changed. Earlier this past summer I went out and purchased a cheap ring as a token and spent the next few months carrying it around waiting for the right time. I realised that if you can ask yourself the question, can you live without that person and answer no then making the commitment of marriage is well worth it. Sadly before I got the opportunity to ask the woman I love if she wanted to get married things took a turn and were no longer together.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

That sucks darko. if its meant to be, it'll work itself out. It took me and my OH three attempts at being together before we got engaged.

larrymickdick

In my humble opinion, marriage is nothing to do with financial arrangements, kids or pressure from society, it's because you want to spend the rest of your life with the person and them with you.

py2006

Isn't it funny that people, for the most part, find 'THE ONE' in their local town. If there is only ONE person for us, the chances of them being within walking distance or a bus trip away is very slim. They are most likely on a different continent......or planet? :O

I always found this odd.

py2006

I always found the ceremony of marriage strange. Its a dated religious thingy. From a financial point of view it is ludicrous for both parties and the arrangements and the day itself is all too stressful. I really don't get it.

I've heard it said here before and its is probably true that the man as far as the day in question goes is rather irrelevant. He just needs to show up. While the attention and everything else is revolved around the woman. After all, its her day. May be this is a rather cynical view but how far is it from the truth?

Aside from all that, I've read on here and in the media countless infuriating and very sad stories about what can and often does happen to men when the marriage ends.

It almost makes me ask the question, 'Why do men marry?'.

Triceratops Ballet

I dont know if the days its self is all about the woman. I used to work as a wedding planner in a Dublin hotel and met hundreds of couples. The men were always very involved in the whole thing, and were often more insistant on certain details. I was really surprised when I started the job tbh I thought It would be bridezillas all the way

Stheno

larrymickdick wrote: »

In my humble opinion, marriage is nothing to do with financial arrangements, kids or pressure from society, it's because you want to spend the rest of your life with the person and them with you.

Marrying is actually a legal contract that you enter into, I once had an intelligence test and couldn't answer that question, but marrying bestows legal rights so is a contract.

py2006 wrote: »

I always found the ceremony of marriage strange. Its a dated religious thingy. From a financial point of view it is ludicrous for both parties and the arrangements and the day itself is all too stressful. I really don't get it.

I've heard it said here before and its is probably true that the man as far as the day in question goes is rather irrelevant. He just needs to show up. While the attention and everything else is revolved around the woman. After all, its her day. May be this is a rather cynical view but how far is it from the truth?

Aside from all that, I've read on here and in the media countless infuriating and very sad stories about what can and often does happen to men when the marriage ends.

It almost makes me ask the question, 'Why do men marry?'.

dottie_lottie wrote: »

I dont know if the days its self is all about the woman. I used to work as a wedding planner in a Dublin hotel and met hundreds of couples. The men were always very involved in the whole thing, and were often more insistant on certain details. I was really surprised when I started the job tbh I thought It would be bridezillas all the way

I honestly don't get how the ceremony of marriage is as overrated as it is, all you are doing is saying that you are bound together in law.

I've signed contracts worth millions with far less fanfare.

People need to get over the wedding day, and realise the most important part of it is signing the register

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

The most important part is sharing your happiness and love with everyone you care about.

Shakespeare's Sister

Improves a man's parental rights.

Makes a couple a family unit - each other's next of kin in the eyes of officialdom, which is important if one of them (touch wood not) got ill.

People who say it's a huge risk for a man to marry because of cases of women screwing their ex husbands over must not think very highly of women if they think there's such a high risk they'll turn out like the minority.

ancapailldorcha

Shakespeare's Sister wrote: »

Improves a man's parental rights.

Makes a couple a family unit - each other's next of kin in the eyes of officialdom, which is important if one of them (touch wood not) got ill.

People who say it's a huge risk for a man to marry because of cases of women screwing their ex husbands over must not think very highly of women if they think there's such a high risk they'll turn out like the minority.

It's a bit different when you've spoken to men in those situations. I knew one chap in Manchester whose wife played away. He had to move out, lost the kids and goodness knows what else. As women are usually favoured in these proceedings, it's them who do the "screwing" which would be why they're seen this way by some men. Breakups can involve a lot of animosity which is why the temptation to capitalise on a spouse's estate can overcome ideals of fair play.

j80ezgvc3p92xu

I'd just like to offer my 2c on marriage. I am not married and to a certain extent I already feel sorry for the unfortunate woman who will end up as my wife

Marriage is extremely important in society. It is one of the foundations of the Western civilisation, one of the reasons we were historically so successful and dominant. It allows for the next generation to grow up in a healthy and nurtured environment, without the mental trauma kids from unmarried homes may unfortunately be subjected to. Marriage is a vehicle which allows for the fulfillment of both parties: it facilitates the pooling of resources, abilities and talents.

For those coming from a religious background, it is the way God intended things to be. Adam and Eve were blessed by God Himself before they began cohabiting together.

Seriously?

Kasen Gentle Registry wrote: »

Marriage is extremely important in society.

Marriage was very important in society, I'm not sure it is now.

People like the spectacle of ceremony, but it’s hardly seen as a bond for life these days. Nor is there any real social stigma for kids born out of wedlock in this day and age.

It’s more about securing rights than anything else, for men it’s a case of deciding is a raw deal better than no deal I suppose.

ancapailldorcha

Seriously? wrote: »

People like the spectacle of ceremony, but it’s hardly seen as a bond for life these days. Nor is there any real social stigma for kids born out of wedlock in this day and age.

It’s more about securing rights than anything else, for men it’s a case of deciding is a raw deal better than no deal I suppose.

I'd disagree with the latter half of your post. I'm from rural Donegal and one of my cousins had a child with his unwed girlfriend. There were more than a few snide comments thrown about. Places like Dublin would be fine but smaller towns and the countryside would still be pious about these things. Obviously, that's anecdotal but it's not a hard thing to imagine.

Personally, getting married would be about formally acknowledging the relationship I'd have with a partner in front of our friends and family. I'm not sure on how the law in the UK is structured regarding unmarried dads, inheritance, etc... but if it is anything like Irish law then it'd be pragmatic. That's not a great reason to do it of course but it's the way things are.

Seriously?

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

I'd disagree with the latter half of your post. I'm from rural Donegal and one of my cousins had a child with his unwed girlfriend. There were more than a few snide comments thrown about. Places like Dublin would be fine but smaller towns and the countryside would still be pious about these things. Obviously, that's anecdotal but it's not a hard thing to imagine.

No thats a fair point, us city slickers assume at times the rest of the country has caught up with us when at times it may not have

ancapailldorcha

Seriously? wrote: »

No thats a fair point, us city slickers assume at times the rest of the country has caught up with us when at times it may not have

Believe me, it hasn't. My folks only just got broadband about a year ago.

AndreaCollins

Interesting article from a married woman. Very honest stuff

huffingtonpost.com/elloa-atkinson/i-love-my-husband-but-heres-why-i-want-to-cheat_b_5909882.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592

TheBeardedLady

AndreaCollins wrote: »

Interesting article from a married woman. Very honest stuff

huffingtonpost.com/elloa-atkinson/i-love-my-husband-but-heres-why-i-want-to-cheat_b_5909882.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592

Imagee.jpg

Lalealynn

Honestly no it's not. Not unless you really want to make a certain woman a legal life partner. I dunno if he discovered he was ill and wanted his partner to have in inheritance rights or wanted to make sure she could visit him in hospital or vice verse. Or she wanted him to have a say in case of emergency or whatever.

Seriously there is nothing else to be gained.

I don't think there is like a status for men with marriage is there?

I do believe in love etc i am not a hater.

Marriage is to easy to get into and too hard to get out off for both people. I think it's crazy in Ireland there are no pre-nups thats not a girl guy thing its a financial thing.And it makes divorce a little less messy and cut throat.

Is there anything really in family life marriage kids etc for men ? I think family is about giving not about getting.

I love my parents and my brother. I try to be the best daughter I can. I hope my dad (and my mom) thinks I was worth it.

eh i dunno

I'm getting married in December this year and excited and nervous at the same time. My OH is now my best friend so why would I not want to spend the rest of our lives togehter. People who think its not worth are mostly single or divorced imo.

Aidric

eh i dunno wrote: »

People who think its not worth are mostly single or divorced imo.

Don't agree. I know many people who are in long term relationships and very happy without feeling the need to commit to marriage.

Shakespeare's Sister

Marriage is only to secure parental rights and next of kin rights. I wouldn't be bothered with marriage either if the above weren't guaranteed without it, but they're not, so I can see why people marry.
A big wedding isn't necessary for it. Some seem to think it has to be done, but it doesn't at all.

pwurple

Shakespeare's Sister wrote: »

Marriage is onlyto secure parental rights and next of kin rights.

.. And inheritance rights, and changes in taxation, and differences in property ownership, and adoption rights, fostering rights.

"Only" parental rights include automatic guardianship and custody, not to be sniffed at. And next of kin is no laughing matter either when you are looking at your girlfriend/boyfriend unconscious on the ground after an accident, and you can't consent for their medical treatment.

Marriage is becoming family, becoming legally related to eachother.

The Friendly Newcomer

eh i dunno wrote: »

I'm getting married in December this year and excited and nervous at the same time. My OH is now my best friend so why would I not want to spend the rest of our lives togehter. People who think its not worth are mostly single or divorced imo.

Congratulations on your impending marriage. I wish you a long and happy marriage.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

So is the general consensus that men just marry for tax reasons/parental rights

pwurple

LexieOnRale wrote: »

So is the general consensus that men just marry for tax reasons/parental rights

It's the reason I got married, and I'm a woman. I assumed it's the reason everyone marries? That's what it is for, a set of legal rights. What else would there be? It doesn't confer magical unicorn powers.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

pwurple wrote: »

It's the reason I got married, and I'm a woman. I assumed it's the reason everyone marries? That's what it is for, a set of legal rights. What else would there be? It doesn't confer magical unicorn powers.

I don't think that's why everyone gets married. I'm engaged to my OH who I've been with for years, no kids, no real understanding of tax credits and such.
It just felt like the right thing to do, we love each other, I want to be part of his life forever and vice versa, we've been through a lot and we just want to take our relationship to the next level. We may never have kids either, so that's not a big issue in us choosing to marry.

folan

pwurple wrote: »

It doesn't confer magical unicorn powers.

I am super interested in what these powers would be!!!!!

skallywag

eh i dunno wrote: »

...My OH is now my best friend so why would I not want to spend the rest of our lives togehter...

You will get no argument from me on that score, but how does this fact correlate with being married?

vibe666

so nobody at all getting married as a show of their lifetime commitment to the one they love?

folan

vibe666 wrote: »

so nobody at all getting married as a show of their lifetime commitment to the one they love?

the question is is that worth it?

mariaalice

A big point is nobody is forcing marriage on anyone...get married if you want and if someone will have you or don't get married its entirely the individual choice.

If it does not work out it has noting do with being married or not being married, actual marriage is just a ceremony with some legal tie in thats all.

DoYouEvenLift

The trend of blowing money on big engagement rings needs to be stopped as well. It only started as a marketing scheme iirc, what's the point in feeling the need to waste money that, for a newly married couple, could be put to a lot better use than a purely materialistic item? Surely people are starting to realise that it'd be much better to choose to use a few thousand as an addition to a down payment on a mortgage rather than on a ring that'll be worn regardless of the size of diamond on it.

Holsten

Are people still spending huge amounts on rings??!

eviltwin

DoYouEvenLift wrote: »

The trend of blowing money on big engagement rings needs to be stopped as well. It only started as a marketing scheme iirc, what's the point in feeling the need to waste money that, for a newly married couple, could be put to a lot better use than a purely materialistic item? Surely people are starting to realise that it'd be much better to choose to use a few thousand as an addition to a down payment on a mortgage rather than on a ring that'll be worn regardless of the size of diamond on it.

Not everyone does that, not all women are ring mad. I didn't get either wedding or an engagement ring for the reasons you mentioned. I think maybe our life stage had something to do with it, we already had a house and a family, we were that bit older, we'd been together a long time already, we'd lived like that for years, we were to all the people around us a married couple, we felt married. There was no big transition with marriage as we had made that transition by living together so for us a traditional wedding seemed a bit of a waste of time and money. I can understand if you are younger and it marks a new phase of your life being into all the trimmings maybe but its all extra, it doesn't need to be that way. You still end up the same at the end of it all whether you had a massive shindig or it was just you and a couple of witnesses.

mariaalice

DoYouEvenLift wrote: »

The trend of blowing money on big engagement rings needs to be stopped as well. It only started as a marketing scheme iirc, what's the point in feeling the need to waste money that, for a newly married couple, could be put to a lot better use than a purely materialistic item? Surely people are starting to realise that it'd be much better to choose to use a few thousand as an addition to a down payment on a mortgage rather than on a ring that'll be worn regardless of the size of diamond on it.

Nobody is forced to follow a' trend' if your not comfortable with the trend of engagement rings don't do it, its really is as simple as that there is noting to stop anyone getting something modest as a symbol of the engagement.

Rosy Posy

Holsten wrote: »

Are people still spending huge amounts on rings??!

When my (now) husband was ring shopping he went to a place recommended by his ma. They sat him down in a back room and told him he had to spend a months salary on the ring and asked him how much he earned! He made his excuses and left and bought me a vintage (second hand) ring instead with which I was delighted. There's an awful lot of bs associated with weddings that's designed to get you to spend money but as a previous poster said, there's always an alternative.

fits

DoYouEvenLift wrote: »

The trend of blowing money on big engagement rings needs to be stopped as well. It only started as a marketing scheme iirc, what's the point in feeling the need to waste money that, for a newly married couple, could be put to a lot better use than a purely materialistic item? Surely people are starting to realise that it'd be much better to choose to use a few thousand as an addition to a down payment on a mortgage rather than on a ring that'll be worn regardless of the size of diamond on it.

Anything goes these days. OH and I got a lovely engagement ring, but we chose it together and each paid half. While we were picking out another couple picked out a non-traditional ring that would do as both engagement and wedding ring. I have to say, I like wearing rings anyway, so I am delighted with mine. You don't 'have' to do anything.

skallywag

Rosy Posy wrote: »

...They sat him down in a back room and told him he had to spend a months salary on the ring and asked him how much he earned!...

Complete madness to be fair, but that expectation does certainly do the rounds. I can remember lads selling their cars to buy the ring, this was a good while back though, hopefully things have mellowed out a bit since.

Rosy Posy

skallywag wrote: »

Complete madness to be fair, but that expectation does certainly do the rounds. I can remember lads selling theirs cars to buy the ring, this was a good while back though, hopefully things have mellowed out a bit since.

I think that they play on people's insecurities. It must be a pretty nerve wracking thing to ask someone to marry you and if you've got some lad in a suit telling you this is the way it's got to be done then a lot of guys will accept it rather than second guess them and risk cocking it up.

Alf Veedersane

My OH joked about how much you had to spend on it but never actually expected it a stupidly priced ring.

I must say I had great craic going ring shopping. Went in to Applebys as we did the rounds. She went off looking at the rings in a full-length mirrore and I scoffed a load of those big ol' Lindor chocolates.

Profit.

skallywag

I can even recall 3 months salary once being bandied around.

All in all though I think that most couples discuss things like this prior to any purchase being made these days. Some girls will genuinely like an expensive ring, and I see nothing wrong with that as long as the OH is willing to save up for it / can afford it. Others would baulk at the idea and would much rather that the money be put towards something else.

Alf Veedersane

I don't see the things that marriage doesn't give you as a reason to not get married.

As someone said, no one puts any pressure on you. If you want ot get married, get married. If you don't, don't.

Just don't judge people who have or haven't got married because you've chosen the opposite.

DoYouEvenLift

skallywag wrote: »

I can even recall 3 months salary once being bandied around.

All in all though I think that most couples discuss things like this prior to any purchase being made these days. Some girls will genuinely like an expensive ring, and I see nothing wrong with that as long as the OH is willing to save up for it / can afford it. Others would baulk at the idea and would much rather that the money be put towards something else.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uwGJhrcLmbA

DamoKen

mariaalice wrote: »

Nobody is forced to follow a' trend' if your not comfortable with the trend of engagement rings don't do it, its really is as simple as that there is noting to stop anyone getting something modest as a symbol of the engagement.

To be fair it's not quite as simple as that. At this stage what started as a marketing scam for the diamond industry has become so firmly embedded in the psyche of western society that it can and does lead to huge societal pressure to buy the perfect ring. Principles are fine and dandy but not a lot of guys want to put principles first and be considered cheap when it comes to popping the question.

And even if the other half is like minded it's not just the guys that feel the pressure. When it comes to showing off the ring the level of scrutiny is unreal, from family to friends, to work colleagues etc etc. Not a lot of girls want to be met by an embarrassed silence followed by lame compliments like "um it's lovely" and the thought that others think less of the person she loves.

Ok not everyone is going to give a sh*t about "tradition" but the majority will, hence you have the 3 * bullsh*t in the first place.

Alf Veedersane

DamoKen wrote: »

And even if the other half is like minded it's not just the guys that feel the pressure. When it comes to showing off the ring the level of scrutiny is unreal, from family to friends, to work colleagues etc etc. Not a lot of girls want to be met by an embarrassed silence followed by lame compliments like "um it's lovely" and the thought that others think less of the person she loves.

By the same token, they don't want to be stuck with something on their finger that they don't like, regardless of how much it cost.

That said, I can only speak from my experience. The OH loved the ring she had I think she would have been oblivious to any negativity.

DamoKen

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

By the same token, they don't want to be stuck with something on their finger that they don't like, regardless of how much it cost.

Would have thought that was a given without stating the obvious that your other half likes it. Not sure where I said otherwise?

Alf Veedersane

DamoKen wrote: »

Would have thought that was a given without stating the obvious that your other half likes it. Not sure where I said otherwise?

It seemed implicit that the pressure to have a ring that everyone would coo over was greater than having a ring you liked. Just how I read it.

DamoKen

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

It seemed implicit that the pressure to have a ring that everyone would coo over was greater than having a ring you liked. Just how I read it.

Ah I see, well no didn't mean you both choose a ring basing your criteria on what others would like (although there are those who do). Just meant that the pressure of social expectations is most definitely a factor in most cases, hence the 3 times being touted time and again. Society whether you like it or not shapes a lot of peoples daily decisions, some not so obvious, some more so. Even if you don't bow to every instance, doesn't mean that works for everyone.

Alf Veedersane

DamoKen wrote: »

Ah I see, well no didn't mean you both choose a ring basing your criteria on what others would like (although there are those who do). Just meant that the pressure of social expectations is most definitely a factor in most cases, hence the 3 times being touted time and again. Society whether you like it or not shapes a lot of peoples daily decisions, some not so obvious, some more so. Even if you don't bow to every instance, doesn't mean that works for everyone.

Ah ok, I just picked it up wrong so.

But I do agree that there's pressure on every decision, and the ring is just the start.

I've seen wedding plans go enter the realm of farce because of it.

mariaalice

DamoKen wrote: »

Ah I see, well no didn't mean you both choose a ring basing your criteria on what others would like (although there are those who do). Just meant that the pressure of social expectations is most definitely a factor in most cases, hence the 3 times being touted time and again. Society whether you like it or not shapes a lot of peoples daily decisions, some not so obvious, some more so. Even if you don't bow to every instance, doesn't mean that works for everyone.

Of course that true but awareness of social pressure is the start of resisting it.

Marriages where both parties have broadly similar philosophies about what sort of life they want to live are much more successful. At the point of an engagement if both parties have fundamentally different views about engagement rings maybe thats a warning singe about the relationship.