partners and children

celineos

I've a one year and so far I've done majority of night feeds most of the time the baby dosent sleep at night then goes asleep during the day for an hour or so. I do everything during the day too even when my partner has days off. When I say I'm knackered his answer is cop on do you think other women who have kids go on like this.
Is it just me or is it men just like the idea of making kids then when the baby comes they don't do anything I thought in a relationship your suppose to meet half way support and help each other not just one person in the relationship dose everything im at my wicks end

indigo twist

It depends, really. Are you both working? When I was on maternity leave and my partner was working, I did pretty much all the night feeds (although I did get the odd night off.) I'd have also done the majority of housework and cooking. Now that we're both working, everything is (theoretically) shared equally, all child-related duties and housework and cooking etc. Of course, there are days when one of us does more than the other, but I think it balances out overall.

His attitude to you, telling you to cop on etc, does sound quite disrespectful. It's not something I'd tolerate myself. But, if it's a case that you're a stay-at-home mother and he goes out to work every day, in fairness it's reasonable to expect you to do more than him around the house. Including the majority of night feeds.

Similarly if the mother was working full-time and the father was a stay-at-home parent, I'd expect them to take on the bulk of household chores, in addition to childcare. It's nothing to do with gender, or it shouldn't be at least.

celineos

indigo twist wrote: »

It depends, really. Are you both working? When I was on maternity leave and my partner was working, I did pretty much all the night feeds (although I did get the odd night off.) I'd have also done the majority of housework and cooking. Now that we're both working, everything is (theoretically) shared equally, all child-related duties and housework and cooking etc. Of course, there are days when one of us does more than the other, but I think it balances out overall.

His attitude to you, telling you to cop on etc, does sound quite disrespectful. It's not something I'd tolerate myself. But, if it's a case that you're a stay-at-home mother and he goes out to work every day, in fairness it's reasonable to expect you to do more than him around the house. Including the majority of night feeds.

Similarly if the mother was working full-time and the father was a stay-at-home parent, I'd expect them to take on the bulk of household chores, in addition to childcare. It's nothing to do with gender, or it shouldn't be at least.

He works 2 and a half days a week. When he's off work he plays ps4 and then moans if he has to pick the child up if they go over to him. There was a point were I'd get one night off a week but that has disappeared I do all night feeds even day feeds when he's off and cater for dinner and do house chores. If I fall asleep in the evenings after the baby is put to bed and the oldest child is dealt with from being knackered he wakes me up. If the baby is due a bath on his days off he tells me he dosent bath her.I just feel like I'm doing everything and getting nothing back only the comments grow up or cop on because I'm so tired I end up breaking down and crying and he then says I'm unbelievable when this happen. Am I being rediculous??

indigo twist

Well I wouldn't blame it on men being like that, I'd blame it on him being like that. It would be unfair to tarnish an entire gender with the same brush. There are plenty of wonderful fathers out there who are happy to do their share.

It sounds like you're really struggling with the bulk of all the chores, and that's really not on, if he's only working part-time.

To me, a fair compromise would be that he doesn't have to do any housework or night feeds on the three days that he's working. He has one full day off with no work or housework. And he has three days when you both split everything evenly.

In return, you do the bulk of everything around the house for the three days that he's working. For three days you split everything evenly. And you have one set day a week, a full 24 hours, where he does everything - all of the housework and cooking and childcare.

Of course, you'd have to tweak this to suit your own situation and relationship.

If you suggest this to him and he disagrees, ask him exactly why he considers it unfair? Your relationship should be an equal partnership. There is no logical reason why you should be doing everything on all of his days off work.

CelticRambler

Not being ridiculous at all. When my children were at the "waking in the night" stage, my wife would do feeds up to about 2am, then I'd do anything from then till 7 or 8. It was simple logic - I could get back to sleep quite easily, she couldn't. We were both up at about 7, me to take the school-age ones to school, then go to work, she to take the others to play-group/shopping/whatever.

I was working for myself at that point and took two half days off a week, to mind the children and give my wife a break. If he prefers playing PS4 to playing with his own child he's a feckineejit. :mad:

celineos

indigo twist wrote: »

Well I wouldn't blame it on men being like that, I'd blame it on him being like that. It would be unfair to tarnish an entire gender with the same brush. There are plenty of wonderful fathers out there who are happy to do their share.

It sounds like you're really struggling with the bulk of all the chores, and that's really not on, if he's only working part-time.

To me, a fair compromise would be that he doesn't have to do any housework or night feeds on the three days that he's working. He has one full day off with no work or housework. And he has three days when you both split everything evenly.

In return, you do the bulk of everything around the house for the three days that he's working. For three days you split everything evenly. And you have one set day a week, a full 24 hours, where he does everything - all of the housework and cooking and childcare.

Of course, you'd have to tweak this to suit your own situation and relationship.

If you suggest this to him and he disagrees, ask him exactly why he considers it unfair? Your relationship should be an equal partnership. There is no logical reason why you should be doing everything on all of his days off work.

I do everything dinners chores night feeds bath the baby the days he works and the days he's off he just plays ps4 does the odd dinner drinks, even drank the duration of my pregnancy. Could be his age he thinks men do f all and women do everything I do have to remind him were not in the 1960s era now. I've to cater for two kids before I can relax where as on his days off I still do dinners and normal chores as if he were in work. If I mention it to him I know he'd have a disagreement about it usual words out of him.

hoodwinked

honestly it's not all men, in my case when our daughter was night feeding my husband was in his final year of college and i was working full time, as it turned out i would sleep through anything where as when she so much as gurgled he would shoot up and check on her, as a result he used do most of the night feeds, i would try as much as i could to wake up to give him a full nights sleep however.

as for bottles/nappies/baths it was pretty much 50/50,

i would wash the clothes he would wash the dishes....

we both tried to give each other breaks but i noticed he couldn't relax at home always watching her, always waiting for her, so i sent him off with his friends for a weekend surfing/drinking/relaxing..etc. he felt a million times better after it.

you sound like my husband, could you organise a weekend away with friends just to give yourself a break? or even do you have a relative who could help mind the children to even give you a few hours by yourself? you'd be surprised of what a half day off from the children can do for you.

Slicemeister

He needs a good wake up call OP. Try not making the dinner/ doing the wash up/ his washing til he gets the message. If my Oh is cooking, ill mind the baby-she does the bath, ill do the pjs- she does the morning I do the evening. We both work so it's not half as challenging (wrong word where kids are involved) when the workload is halved at home.

Every second Sunday is a sleep in, which never happens anyway....

celineos

CelticRambler wrote: »

Not being ridiculous at all. When my children were at the "waking in the night" stage, my wife would do feeds up to about 2am, then I'd do anything from then till 7 or 8. It was simple logic - I could get back to sleep quite easily, she couldn't. We were both up at about 7, me to take the school-age ones to school, then go to work, she to take the others to play-group/shopping/whatever.

I was working for myself at that point and took two half days off a week, to mind the children and give my wife a break. If he prefers playing PS4 to playing with his own child he's a feckineejit. :mad:

He'd drop my child to school during the week even when he's not working and when he sees I'm knackered on his days off there'd be one or two morns max he'd take the baby out of the room so I could try and go back asleep. Being not able I'd just lie there. When I do the night feeds I can't go back asleep I'm either playing games on my phone or on the internet its hard for me to get back to sleep then if I end up getting back asleep the alarm then goes for me to get up with eldest child to get ready for school also the baby then gets up at same time. I just don't know what to say to him in a way that he doesn't tell me to grow up or cop on. I cry on my own from being knackered

celineos

hoodwinked wrote: »

honestly it's not all men, in my case when our daughter was night feeding my husband was in his final year of college and i was working full time, as it turned out i would sleep through anything where as when she so much as gurgled he would shoot up and check on her, as a result he used do most of the night feeds, i would try as much as i could to wake up to give him a full nights sleep however.

as for bottles/nappies/baths it was pretty much 50/50,

i would wash the clothes he would wash the dishes....

we both tried to give each other breaks but i noticed he couldn't relax at home always watching her, always waiting for her, so i sent him off with his friends for a weekend surfing/drinking/relaxing..etc. he felt a million times better after it.

you sound like my husband, could you organise a weekend away with friends just to give yourself a break? or even do you have a relative who could help mind the children to even give you a few hours by yourself? you'd be surprised of what a half day off from the children can do for you.

I've no relatives around me I've the kids 24/7. I dont really have friends either i keep to myself.I do bottles give baby her food I'm the one that baths the baby I call him to hold the towel when I'm getting him out. I just have the kids all the time even in the evenings the baby has bedtime if they wake up I have to deal with him Bootle or nappy. I don't mean this in a bad sense but all I see is the baby 24/7 I don't get a break at all.

indigo twist

I really feel for you, you're clearly exhausted. I'm the same as you in that if I'm woken during the night, I'll rarely get back to sleep. And sleep is SO important for your mental and physical health.

I don't feel that it's appropriate for him to be telling you to grow up or cop on. You are both adults, in an adult relationship. He should not be speaking to you like you're a bold child. It is completely reasonable that you would expect him to act as a responsible father to your children, and an equal partner to you.

Do you think it might help to put your feelings in writing, e.g. a letter or an e-mail to him? If he lashes out when you say it, and if you find it hard to put across your points, this might be a solution? Or even show him this thread?

celineos

indigo twist wrote: »

I really feel for you, you're clearly exhausted. I'm the same as you in that if I'm woken during the night, I'll rarely get back to sleep. And sleep is SO important for your mental and physical health.

I don't feel that it's appropriate for him to be telling you to grow up or cop on. You are both adults, in an adult relationship. He should not be speaking to you like you're a bold child. It is completely reasonable that you would expect him to act as a responsible father to your children, and an equal partner to you.

Do you think it might help to put your feelings in writing, e.g. a letter or an e-mail to him? If he lashes out when you say it, and if you find it hard to put across your points, this might be a solution? Or even show him this thread?

Im sick of trying to talk to

celineos

indigo twist wrote: »

I really feel for you, you're clearly exhausted. I'm the same as you in that if I'm woken during the night, I'll rarely get back to sleep. And sleep is SO important for your mental and physical health.

I don't feel that it's appropriate for him to be telling you to grow up or cop on. You are both adults, in an adult relationship. He should not be speaking to you like you're a bold child. It is completely reasonable that you would expect him to act as a responsible father to your children, and an equal partner to you.

Do you think it might help to put your feelings in writing, e.g. a letter or an e-mail to him? If he lashes out when you say it, and if you find it hard to put across your points, this might be a solution? Or even show him this thread?

Im sick of trying to talk to

celineos

indigo twist wrote: »

I really feel for you, you're clearly exhausted. I'm the same as you in that if I'm woken during the night, I'll rarely get back to sleep. And sleep is SO important for your mental and physical health.

I don't feel that it's appropriate for him to be telling you to grow up or cop on. You are both adults, in an adult relationship. He should not be speaking to you like you're a bold child. It is completely reasonable that you would expect him to act as a responsible father to your children, and an equal partner to you.

Do you think it might help to put your feelings in writing, e.g. a letter or an e-mail to him? If he lashes out when you say it, and if you find it hard to put across your points, this might be a solution? Or even show him this thread?

I've tried talking to him so many times it just dosent work just feels like I'm on my own doing everything usual quote from him so ur telling me u can't cope I'll just take the child then or I'll stay at home and u work ur just like my ex. Staying at home is easy u go out and work then.

pwurple

My husband did all night feeds. Even when I was breastfeeding, I'd express one for nighttime. Feck that, it's WAY easier to go to work all day than it is to mind children all day. I know, I work as well!


My dad also did all nightfeeds for us as babies, so I kinda expected it to be honest. It wasn't even up for discussion at the start.


I see a lot of families ending up with "learned helplessness" in the father, where he either doesn't attempt it, or isn't given the chance. It gets worse and worse until they can barely cook for themselves, and doesn't even know where the childrens clothes are stored.

Don't enable it... you get run into the ground, and he ends up feeling completely useless.

implausible

celineos wrote: »

I've tried talking to him so many times it just dosent work just feels like I'm on my own doing everything usual quote from him so ur telling me u can't cope I'll just take the child then or I'll stay at home and u work ur just like my ex. Staying at home is easy u go out and work then.

That is no way for someone to speak to his partner and the mother of his child!

The only way he is going to see how exhausting your day is if he does it himself for a while. Why don't you go away for a weekend or even a day? You need to get out of the house as problems will seem far worse when you're sitting in the house brooding and exhausted. You could join a club, take up a sport or even get some part-time or voluntary work. This would make him step up to the plate and give you something else to do and focus on.

Tbh, he sounds quite immature and not willing to accept the responsibilities of fatherhood. He needs a kick up the a*se to cop on.

celineos

pwurple wrote: »

My husband did all night feeds. Even when I was breastfeeding, I'd express one for nighttime. Feck that, it's WAY easier to go to work all day than it is to mind children all day. I know, I work as well!


My dad also did all nightfeeds for us as babies, so I kinda expected it to be honest. It wasn't even up for discussion at the start.


I see a lot of families ending up with "learned helplessness" in the father, where he either doesn't attempt it, or isn't given the chance. It gets worse and worse until they can barely cook for themselves, and doesn't even know where the childrens clothes are stored.

Don't enable it... you get run into the ground, and he ends up feeling completely useless.

I think at this stage I'm run into the ground already don't know how I'm surviving the day I get headaches from lack of sleep and at the minute I'm on tablets for possible rheumatoid arthritis in my joint.
I'd just like a bit of help off him now again when he sees that I'm tired help me out. I put the baby to bed every night he could at least share that with me when he's off

pwurple

indigo twist wrote: »

Including the majority of night feeds.

I agree with most of your post, except this part.

I find it much easier to get up during the night since I went back to work. I think it's simpler for the working person to do it, because they have a shorter, less stressful day, not filled with puke, nappies and screaming. It's much more tiring being on maternity leave.

OP. If I were you, I'd get a job or go away on hols for a week. Let him look after the baby on his own and see how he gets on.

pwurple

celineos wrote: »

I think at this stage I'm run into the ground already don't know how I'm surviving the day I get headaches from lack of sleep and at the minute I'm on tablets for possible rheumatoid arthritis in my joint.
I'd just like a bit of help off him now again when he sees that I'm tired help me out. I put the baby to bed every night he could at least share that with me when he's off

This is brutal. Unhappy mammy is good for no-one, you'll hit PND like a brick wall.

Organise some stuff for yourself in the evenings. Go out. Even for a walk. When he's home, baby is all his.

celineos

implausible wrote: »

That is no way for someone to speak to his partner and the mother of his child!

The only way he is going to see how exhausting your day is if he does it himself for a while. Why don't you go away for a weekend or even a day? You need to get out of the house as problems will seem far worse when you're sitting in the house brooding and exhausted. You could join a club, take up a sport or even get some part-time or voluntary work. This would make him step up to the plate and give you something else to do and focus on.

Tbh, he sounds quite immature and not willing to accept the responsibilities of fatherhood. He needs a kick up the a*se to cop on.

I can't really do that either he does chores for his elderly parents and then I've no time to give myself. I know myself he would say its easy if he did take over what I do all the time he'sstubborn like that. II'd just like me time for once

pwurple

celineos wrote: »

I can't really do that either he does chores for his elderly parents and then I've no time to give myself. I know myself he would say its easy if he did take over what I do all the time he'sstubborn like that. II'd just like me time for once

You really sound like you are depressed as well. Crying, isolated, and fighting with husband are all alarm bells for me.

Have you seen a doctor about PND?

Slicemeister

Would you consider just faking illness for a day or two while he's around? I know it's a bit immature but it might make him realise what you're going through...

Can you speak to any family members about what's going on? I know if it was my sister I'd be upset and would try to help.

Sounds to me like he needs a kick start. Jesus Christ I thought this type of carry on was dead and gone.

celineos

pwurple wrote: »

This is brutal. Unhappy mammy is good for no-one, you'll hit PND like a brick wall.

Organise some stuff for yourself in the evenings. Go out. Even for a walk. When he's home, baby is all his.

He dosent believe in post natal depression he calls it issues I was suffering crying all the time not being able to cope when the baby woke during the night and didn't go back asleep I'd mention it to him or try to tell him and he said go talk to someone keep your issues to yourself. I was diagnosed with pnd but decided not to take the medication that would be another bullet for him. He doesn't know that I have been diagnosed and won't be told either. I just don't need him moaning at me

implausible

celineos wrote: »

I'd just like a bit of help off him now again when he sees that I'm tired help me out. I put the baby to bed every night he could at least share that with me when he's off

It took me a fair while with my own partner to figure out that often he does not notice things or sees them as normal. I had to learn to say "I'm tired/fed up/pissed off, can you please change the baby/put him to bed/sweep the floor for me?" Say it, don't wait for him to notice.

celineos wrote: »

I can't really do that either he does chores for his elderly parents and then I've no time to give myself. I know myself he would say its easy if he did take over what I do all the time he's stubborn like that. II'd just like me time for once

If he's doing chores, he can throw the kids in the car and bring them with him. Kids love doing the most mundane of things with their dad. I'm sure the grandparents like seeing their grandkids. Let him off doing it and saying it's easy. You don't want confirmation that your job is exhausting, what you need is a break!

pwurple

celineos wrote: »

He dosent believe in post natal depression he calls it issues I was suffering crying all the time not being able to cope when the baby woke during the night and didn't go back asleep I'd mention it to him or try to tell him and he said go talk to someone keep your issues to yourself. I was diagnosed with pnd but decided not to take the medication that would be another bullet for him. He doesn't know that I have been diagnosed and won't be told either. I just don't need him moaning at me

Another bullet for him? You need to look after yourself and your health firstly. Never mind what he thinks about it.

Please take your medication, it's very hard to make decisions when you have PND. Every tiny thing feels worse x 1000.

pwurple

Also, I've talked to men about this. One guy said he didn't realise his wife had PND, he thought she had suddenly turned into, in his words "a whining btch." It's really tough to live with someone with PND too.

celineos

implausible wrote: »

It took me a fair while with my own partner to figure out that often he does not notice things or sees them as normal. I had to learn to say "I'm tired/fed up/pissed off, can you please change the baby/put him to bed/sweep the floor for me?" Say it, don't wait for him to notice.



If he's doing chores, he can throw the kids in the car and bring them with him. Kids love doing the most mundane of things with their dad. I'm sure the grandparents like seeing their grandkids. Let him off doing it and saying it's easy. You don't want confirmation that your job is exhausting, what you need is a break!

My eldest isn't his and the baby is only 11 months. His answer to that would be if the baby needed a bottle while he's driving how's he suppose to do it. Sometimes he brings the baby with him to the shops or when he's collecting his other kids.

loalae

What was he like before baby came along? Did he ever help out at home? If he has an idea in his head that he shouldn't have to help out in the home or with the baby I'm not so sure that it'll be an easy task to convince him. I'm sorry to be so blunt here but to me he sounds incrediblyselfish, callous and indifferent to your needs.

Is there anyone else who could help you out?

implausible

celineos wrote: »

My eldest isn't his and the baby is only 11 months. His answer to that would be if the baby needed a bottle while he's driving how's he suppose to do it. Sometimes he brings the baby with him to the shops or when he's collecting his other kids.

Well, it's time someone stopped making excuses. Time the visit, an 11 month old is eating food and shouldn't be looking for a bottle 24/7.

You seem to not want to take any action because you are predicting what he is going to say and your outlook is "so what's the point?" You are setting far too much store by what he says, does and thinks.

With PND, nothing is going to improve until you start dealing with it. Everything is going to seem crap and there will never seem to be any point in bringing things up with him, unless you start taking your medication. If he doesn't 'believe' in PND (what utter sh*t), either ignore him or drag him along to the GP with you. Either way, you are not going to have the energy or will to change things unless you get better.

You have PND, you are alone in a house with kids most of the time and your other half is acting the pr*ck. You have control over two of those things, take it back. Start by taking your medication, go for a walk and ignore him for a while.

eviltwin

She shouldn't have to expect other people to help, its his child!!! He needs to step up to the plate, his attitude and the way he is talking to her is disgusting. And now he says PND doesn't exist? :eek: Why are you with the man?

loalae

It's his child but if he isn't helping then the OP May have to look for other options. If someone refuses to help you can't force them and in the meantime OP still needs support!