partners and children

Sweet Rose

I agree with what another poster said, I would feign illness for a few days and stay in bed. He sounds so unreasonable, ignorant and goddamn lazy. You poor thing! I couldn't and wouldn't put up with a man like that. He needs a good bolt to wake him up. To be honest, I would use some tough love with him. I would have to sit him down and I would be extremely firm with him. I would give him a certain amount of time to pull up his socks or I'd be out of there like a bat out of hell. I know a few women who put up with 'men' like your partner. I really don't know why. I'd rather be on my own or look for a better partner to be quite honest.

Tordelback

OP, that is a very rough situation. When ours were at that stage I did the night-stuff, because I worked long hours and my wife had to do it all bloody day - also, it was really the only time I got to spend with the kid during the week.

However I was pretty negligent with the rest of the household chores, reasoning that I was doing my bit and while my wife was on maternity leave she had the time to do all the rest. I was wrong, and the burden of squally baby plus adventurous toddler plus hungry work-stressed husband took a pretty terrible toll on my largely isolated partner (one afternoon a week visit to her parents, and that was about it) until I eventually had to cop myself on.

How you could be expected to cope with nights and two kids all day on your own I can't imagine. You need to assert your right to some time away, even if it's just going out for a drive or a walk or a coffee, and see how himself copes - men aren't as useless as they sometimes like to let on in pursuit of an easy life. Sometimes all they need is a dose of reality.

But get some time away as a couple too, if you can find some way of doing it. Easier to talk these things through when there isn't a messy living room and a dirty nappy and a persistent wail in the background.

pwurple

Also, it's not a battleground. If he thinks looking after the baby is easy, then I'd be delighted, as that means he can do loads more of this easy peasy stuff.

It's when they find it really hard that you've got to start fighting about who does it (yucky bins!)

Alf Veedersane

Ours is 3 weeks old. I'm back at work this week so when I come home, I'll make the dinner more often than not. As soon as that's done, I'll look after the baby and my wife goes to bed for a few hours. I'll stay up as close to midnight as I can to let her get some rest and then I'll bring the baby up and go to bed. I'm up and out the door at 7. I may need to start getting up for an hour or so if the baby is awake in the middle of the night. At the weekend I try and do as much as I can to give my wife a break to go out for a walk or go to town and do something 'normal'.

The long and short of it is regardless of who's working, you're a partnership. Having a job isn't an excuse to throw the "you're on maternity leave" line out and expect to have no responsibility for looking after your child when you're not working.

celineos

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

Ours is 3 weeks old. I'm back at work this week so when I come home, I'll make the dinner more often than not. As soon as that's done, I'll look after the baby and my wife goes to bed for a few hours. I'll stay up as close to midnight as I can to let her get some rest and then I'll bring the baby up and go to bed. I'm up and out the door at 7. I may need to start getting up for an hour or so if the baby is awake in the middle of the night. At the weekend I try and do as much as I can to give my wife a break to go out for a walk or go to town and do something 'normal'.

The long and short of it is regardless of who's working, you're a partnership. Having a job isn't an excuse to throw the "you're on maternity leave" line out and expect to have no responsibility for looking after your child when you're not working.

Thanks for the comment I just feel its all one way in this relationship

LegacyUser

What was he like before you had the baby? Sounds like he has been mothered his whole life. If you are constantly doing everything for them then he will expect things to stay the same. Its his kid too and and its not as if he is working full time. 2.5 days a week working and then pi$$ing around on computer games on his days off.
I've a friend whose partner will not do any cleaning / chores around the house so she hired somebody to come in once a week and he has to pay for it. So if he is not going to help out with cleaning and chores around the house then he suggest he pay somebody to do it. When it hits him in the pocket he may change his ways.
Seriously you need to to leave the baby with him and just get out of the house or else kick him out! It sounds like he has no interest in being a father to his own child!

Alf Veedersane

celineos wrote: »

Thanks for the comment I just feel its all one way in this relationship

Sounds like it. He needs a rude awakening, to be honest.

I don't know if it's because he's lazy or he just doesn't understand how difficult looking after children all day actually is.

Possibly the latter if he spends his days off sitting around playing computer games.

He needs a dose of doing the work himself to get an appreciation.

Orion

celineos wrote: »

He dosent believe in post natal depression he calls it issues I was suffering crying all the time not being able to cope when the baby woke during the night and didn't go back asleep I'd mention it to him or try to tell him and he said go talk to someone keep your issues to yourself. I was diagnosed with pnd but decided not to take the medication that would be another bullet for him. He doesn't know that I have been diagnosed and won't be told either. I just don't need him moaning at me

Thankfully it doesn't actually matter whether he believes in it or not - unless he's a doctor. You've been diagnosed by a professional. Take your medication for your own health. You don't need to tell him that you're taking it.

ForestFire

Quick post:- There are some supports available that may help you and if your partner also here:-

http://nurturepnd.org/

Sweet Rose

Is there any way you could put the younger baby in the crèche while the older child is at school, even if it was for one day per week. Even to get out of the house and go for a coffee or have a pop around the shops. You need to feel human again. I've been in your shoes but I was on my own. Having an unsupportive and from what I've read emotionally abusive partner would have made the situation even the more frustrating. Hopefully things will things will get better for you, he really needs to step up though.

celineos

Sweet Rose wrote: »

Is there any way you could put the younger baby in the crèche while the older child is at school, even if it was for one day per week. Even to get out of the house and go for a coffee or have a pop around the shops. You need to feel human again. I've been in your shoes but I was on my own. Having an unsupportive and from what I've read emotionally abusive partner would have made the situation even the more frustrating. Hopefully things will things will get better for you, he really needs to step up though.

We don't have the money on payments I'm under him so its difficult

Merkin

Orion wrote: »

Thankfully it doesn't actually matter whether he believes in it or not - unless he's a doctor. You've been diagnosed by a professional. Take your medication for your own health. You don't need to tell him that you're taking it.

Totally agree with this. PND is not something that should just be ignored OP. You've enough on your plate with solely managing all this responsibility without also ignoring your mental health. Take your medication as prescribed, you don't need to tell your partner but take it for yourself and for the sake of your kids as you'll be able to cope better if you address that there is an issue rather than just hoping it will go away.

Tbh I think the dynamic of this relationship is not just down to him being bone lazy, there seems to be an inherent lack of support and kindness from him. Are you actually happy with him? Do you still love him? Because I'd be taking stock of the entire relationship rather than just focussing on his abject unwillingness to get involved in any way.

pwurple

I wouldn't make any large relationship decisions with PND to be honest. It's very hard to see clearly what's going on when in the middle of it, every word or gesture from everyone else feels like an attack. And it's hard going living with someone with it also... Everything he does will be wrong. Not that what he said was right, but he may be trying to stay out of the way and getting very frustrated with the negativity.

Very Best for everyone in the family would be to start the treatment (because it takes a while), and see how it goes.

celineos

Merkin wrote: »

Totally agree with this. PND is not something that should just be ignored OP. You've enough on your plate with solely managing all this responsibility without also ignoring your mental health. Take your medication as prescribed, you don't need to tell your partner but take it for yourself and for the sake of your kids as you'll be able to cope better if you address that there is an issue rather than just hoping it will go away.

Tbh I think the dynamic of this relationship is not just down to him being bone lazy, there seems to be an inherent lack of support and kindness from him. Are you actually happy with him? Do you still love him? Because I'd be taking stock of the entire relationship rather than just focussing on his abject unwillingness to get involved in any way.

When he's not being a dick I'm happy but when he tells me to cop on or grow up I go right off him. There was in instance last night were the baby wouldn't settle fed changed everything so I let her wings for few mins both of us took turns in and out giving the dummy and I said to him don't take the baby out I just got them back into a routine his reply was **** off iI'll do what I want. In the end he didn't take the baby out I just got fed up and went to bed usual then I was up all night with the baby.

Pablodreamsofnew

Go out for the day when it's your partners day off and leave him with the children. Let him see all the work you do.

it's not normal behaviour on your partners side. My husband does so much and doesn't complain. Every man is different. I think your partner is being so selfish!
As far as housework I do all of it but my husband does a lot of cooking so i'm happy.

Rachineire

Things are pertty much 50/50 between my partner and I. In fact he probably does more than I do right now in terms of cooking dinners and minding our little one while I do more cleaning and running of the house and errands type stuff. he usually gets up with him in the morning, gets up at night if needs be. We are both working and take turns. but even then when I was only working part time or when I was on maternity leave he helped out as much as he could when he was home.

He knows that taking care of a baby is much harder than working and also its his son. he loves him and wants to spend time with him and bond. tbh your partner doesn't sound like he is bothered at all. and sounds like a burden more than anything. I had PND and I needed TONS of support from my partner emotionally and physically with the baby and house.
No one can do it all themselves, everyone needs help from time to time. I would tell him to cop on big time!

mapaca

He works 2 and a half days a week you say? Well you are working 24/7! How is that fair?

For your own sake, please reconsider taking the PND medication. You don't have to tell him about it straight away if you think he will give you grief about it. It may take a while to start working, but it will help you.

Have you support from anyone else nearby, family or friends? Is there a local mum and baby group you could join, something like that? Someone to talk it all out with. Or just someone who could take the kids for an hour and give you a break?

helimachoptor

Our baby is 11 weeks old,

I get 2 weeks paternity leave and have taken 2*1 weeks holidays.

Wife was breast feeding so she did night feeds for the first 2 weeks.
The other 2 weeks I was on holidays I did night feeds (bottles) and most of the day feeds.

Wife did night feeds Sunday to Thursday, I did Friday and Saturday, baby is sleeping from 9-7am for the last 3 weeks and I'm an early bird so I would probably do 2/3 of these morning feeds during the week and then Saturday and Sunday .

I play football every Tuesday so I normally don't see the baby as she's asleep, but when I get home in the evenings I do try and give my wife a break, weekends are the same I try to either get out of the house with the baby for a couple of hours or have my wife go off.

For what it's worth I'm also a gamer, I play In a league, I have conceded many games because the baby has woken up and my wife is asleep.

Frankly he sounds pretty damn immature op, you say he has other kids, how many? Just wondering if a pattern is there that he sticks ariund until the gf "nags" him that little too much and then moves on

Not wanting to spend time with your child is inconceivable and tbh 11 month olds are really interactive, he's really missing out

wolfpawnat

Some men can be pains, my fella has never changed our younger childs nappy, not once. And he did two bottle feeds, that is the grand total in 14 months. He is in college and is coming up to his finals so he is under pressure with that, but like your guy, he seems to think

A) raising kids is easy "Sure you do nothing but raise them" (not as easy to do as it is to type.

it is somewhat automatically easy for women.

C) When he has time off, he should not have to even deal with them outside his own terms. "I should have stayed in college, the kids are wrecking my head, I just want to read a book." I have not read a book in months, I haven't got the damn time.

I think our problem (because we both seem to have the same issue) is that we do way too much and don't kick up enough stink about their lackadaisical behaviour. I cook, clean and raise the kids, but that is nothing to him apparently. I keep swearing I am going to go off for a few hours and leave his sorry behind with two kids and housework some day soon and see how he likes it. (yet I never get the balls to do it)

pwurple

Wolfpawnat, how is the relationship between him and the children? Seems so odd to me that he wouldn't want to bond with them. Myself and my husband bicker over who GETS to feed the baby.

Does he put them to bed, read them stories etc? If he doesn't even want to spend time with them when he is off, I'd be worried about that for the future. I have it in my head that teenagers are more likely to respect their parents when they know eachover very well, and have built up a solid relationship as children.