Should I break up with him ? [MOD NOTE POST #46]

Rockefellerpop

My long distance bf invited me to visit him in Europe, where he is currently working. For the record I'm 25, he's 22. He's white, I'm Asian. We met in another country while he was an exchange student and I was working. He is going to pay for the plane ticket. However my traditional, overprotective and strict Asian parents said I should not go. I really want to because I haven't seen him in months. They would rather he visit because they are worried he will want something in return, i.e. sex because they think there is no free lunch in this world. So my bf agreed to visit me at my parents home for a month but he wants to meet up in a neighboring country first to celebrate New Years with his friends. Before he agreed to visit, he was afraid that we couldn't cuddle in bed etc and do all the couples stuff because my parents said we will sleep in separate rooms, and because of this he was thinking twice about coming over but I convinced him we could spend time during the day doing these stuff when we're alone and everyone is at work.

The problem is, he hurt my feelings by thinking twice about visiting because of this. Shouldn't seeing me and spending time with me enough to justify a visit ? Is he just interested in the physical things, though he has denied it. I'm afraid he will leave after seeing me on New Years and getting what he wants, although Im not sure he knows that I'm not ready fo sex yet. I have a feeling he's trying to avoid meeting my parents. Another thing is the first time he said he loves me, he thinks I'm the one but ever since he's far away he's not sure and he needs to see me before he can be sure, wtf.

Another thing he kept our relationship a secret until I forced him to tell people. We usually keep in touch everyday via messaging and Skype almost everyday. He said he loves me a month after meeting me and planned to buy me a gift the other day when I was upset about something, but sometimes I question his intentions and I have a gut feeling that he is talking to other girls behind my back, sometimes he will say that girl is pretty, I have a feeling it is to make me jealous, and once he has even admitted that he felt tempted to kiss other girls. Well, that is because we're long distance. He said he hasn't gotten physical with anyone else, the most he did was visit strip clubs with his friends but I find it hard to trust him =( what should I do ? Should I break up with him ? Is he
lying when he said he loves me? I love him too and I have tried to break up with him many times. The first time I said it, he cried because he didn't expect that. But he didnt text or call me much at that time and we have come a long way since then.

LegacyUser

Rockefellerpop wrote: »

My long distance bf invited me to visit him in Europe, where he is currently working. For the record I'm 25, he's 22. He's white, I'm Asian. We met in another country while he was an exchange student and I was working. He is going to pay for the plane ticket. However my traditional, overprotective and strict Asian parents said I should not go. I really want to because I haven't seen him in months. They would rather he visit because they are worried he will want something in return, i.e. sex because they think there is no free lunch in this world. So my bf agreed to visit me at my parents home for a month but he wants to meet up in a neighboring country first to celebrate New Years with his friends. Before he agreed to visit, he was afraid that we couldn't cuddle in bed etc and do all the couples stuff because my parents said we will sleep in separate rooms, and because of this he was thinking twice about coming over but I convinced him we could spend time during the day doing these stuff when we're alone and everyone is at work.

The problem is, he hurt my feelings by thinking twice about visiting because of this. Shouldn't seeing me and spending time with me enough to justify a visit ? Is he just interested in the physical things, though he has denied it. I'm afraid he will leave after seeing me on New Years and getting what he wants, although Im not sure he knows that I'm not ready fo sex yet. I have a feeling he's trying to avoid meeting my parents. Another thing is the first time he said he loves me, he thinks I'm the one but ever since he's far away he's not sure and he needs to see me before he can be sure, wtf.

Another thing he kept our relationship a secret until I forced him to tell people. We usually keep in touch everyday via messaging and Skype almost everyday. He said he loves me a month after meeting me and planned to buy me a gift the other day when I was upset about something, but sometimes I question his intentions and I have a gut feeling that he is talking to other girls behind my back, sometimes he will say that girl is pretty, I have a feeling it is to make me jealous, and once he has even admitted that he felt tempted to kiss other girls. Well, that is because we're long distance. He said he hasn't gotten physical with anyone else, the most he did was visit strip clubs with his friends but I find it hard to trust him =( what should I do ? Should I break up with him ? Is he
lying when he said he loves me? I love him too and I have tried to break up with him many times. The first time I said it, he cried because he didn't expect that. But he didnt text or call me much at that time and we have come a long way since then.

Yes you're right just seeing you should be enough to make him want to go!

He says he's not sure what he wants. He didn't tell his friends about you. He's not respecting your parents. He doesn't know you're not ready for sex and that worries you (you shouldn't have to worry about that) and you're not sure if you can trust him.

I was in a similar situation (immature bf that only wanted one thing) and although I didn't take my own advice - I'd say breakup with him before he gets what he wants.

You can always breakup after but you'll feel a bit used:(

Buona Fortuna

Hi Rockefellerpop.

A couple of observations from points that jumped out at me

• If all he wanted was sex with you, he's going about a long-winded and expensive way.
• I think you are sending him mixed messages.

  but I convinced him we could spend time during the day doing these stuff when we're alone and everyone is at work.

  and

  Im not sure he knows that I'm not ready fo sex yet.

• Because of the above I'd imagine he is probably as confused as you are.
• Is he as emotionally invested in this relationship as you are? I really have no idea.
• I think you guys really need to talk and in an LDR that's always problematic.
• You need to talk about what each of your expectations of this relationship are - and you both need to be totally honest.

I wish you all the very best OP.

Mr. Loverman

What country are you from? How long have you been together?

I've lived in China for a few years and been to maybe 10 Asian countries and this is the first time I've ever heard an Asian girl wanting to wait for sex. Is there some religious reason? What age are you? The reason I mention this is because your boyfriend knows he can sleep with Asian girls instantly and there is a chance he is frustrated with you.

The hiding you is a big deal. It means he wants other girls to think he's single. He's being unfaithful - probably physically, but definitely emotionally.

Penny Tration

If my boyfriend told me i could stay for a month, but couldn't even cuddle, I'd be wondering whether or not I should go, too! It'd make me think he doesn't really care about anything other than friendship.
how long are you together?

I'm not saying you need to sleep with him (never do it until you're ready!) but I'm the same age as you, and I wouldn't be willing to spend a month with mammy and daddy, only allowed to treat my boyfriend as though he's a friend.

With regards to hiding you - bang out of order. If he loves you, he wouldn't hide you.

That said, he's willing to pay for you to stay with him. That's a lot of money to spend on someone he doesn't care about! If he wanted sex only, he wouldn't be spending so much time and money on it.

Why, at the age of 25, are your parents not 'allowing' you to visit him? Surely it's your decision, not theirs?

From my reading of it, he's independent, you're under your parents' thumb, and tbh, that'll never work, not with a long distance relationship. At the age of 25, it's none of your family's business who you date, and whether or not you have sex.

Mr. Loverman

green_screen wrote: »

If he wanted sex only, he wouldn't be spending so much time and money on it

Sorry for being cynical, but some guys get a kick out of taking a girls virginity.

Penny Tration

Mr. Loverman wrote: »

Sorry for being cynical, but some guys get a kick out of taking a girls virginity.

OP hasn't said if she's a virgin or not, though. I'd imagine she is based on what she's said, but I don't want to colour my post with assumptions

Rockefellerpop

I'm not a virgin. I'm just not ready to go all the way yet, because I've had guys take advantage in the past (whether sex or not) and that hurt so I want to be able to trust him 100% to prevent the same mistake. We have been together 6 months, and out of that 6 months 5 months were long distance. He has told one of his friends about us though.

Penny Tration

Rockefellerpop wrote: »

I'm not ready to go all the way yet, because I'm not sure I trust him 100%. We have been together 6 months, and out of that 6 months 5 months were long distance. I'll discuss these with him Buona Fortuna. Hopefully his answers will provide what I need.

It's fine to not be ready. I wasn't a virgin when I met my current partner, but we still waited 4 months, until I was ready.

It's the rest of it that sounds worrying, not the sex part.

You say he's unsure about how he feels and needs to see you to be sure. Pft. You deserve someone who doesn't say they love you unless they actually mean it!

Taltos

Mod Note:
Mr. Loverman, you have been asked a number of times now to only post in line with our charter. Further rule breaches will now result in a ban.
Besides the range of questions to the OP, some of which are understandable your mass generalisations in regards to Asian women is just not acceptable here.

Take some time, read our charter, read some other responses and if you find you cannot post in a way that forces the mods to act then please don't post.

Taltos

DoYouEvenLift

If all he wanted was sex I don't think he'd be in a relationship with someone in a different country. Sex is a big part of relationships along with the emotion, so of course anyone coming to visit their SO for a month will want to be physical.

Penny Tration

Sex/love aside - are you happy?

You don't sound happy, especially as you say you've already tried to break up with him.

You don't have really trust him.

So, how's it going to work, with a long distance relationship, overbearing parents, him not being sure of his feelings, and you not trusting him??

Will you be happy to do that indefinitely?

Rockefellerpop

I'm happy to be with him. Previously, I went through a patch where I was really unhappy, because he didn't text / call enough or showed that he cared about me after he went back to his country, that's why I kept threatening to break up. We've worked through it now, and he has put in more effort. Now if I don't respond to his texts he follows that up with, "why are you not responding". I'd really like to visit him but on the other hand I wouldnt want my parents to be unhappy. What can I do ?

m'lady

Rockefellerpop wrote: »

I'm happy to be with him. Previously, I went through a patch where I was really unhappy, because he didn't text / call enough or showed that he cared about me after he went back to his country, that's why I kept threatening to break up. We've worked through it now, and he has put in more effort. Now if I don't respond to his texts he follows that up with, "why are you not responding". I'd really like to visit him but on the other hand I wouldnt want my parents to be unhappy. What can I do ?

I understand you what to keep your parents happy but you are an adult and maybe need to stand up for yourself.
Saying that I think you need to consider whether you actually want this relationship and if he's as invested as you appear to be.

The lack of contact from him and hiding your relationship would worry me, did he give any reason why he wanted to hide it?

Penny Tration

Your issue with your parents is something you need to sort out. You're 25, not 15! I'm 25 and I do things that my mam isn't entirely happy with. She'd prefer if I were a virgin and didn't drink or go to clubs.

But she understands I'm an adult capable of making my own decisions so she supports me regardless. She even offered to give me money for condoms the other day!

You need to decide which is more important - being an adult, or still being mammy and daddy's child. Are you going to spend your life living with them, doing what they want so you don't upset them?

Big Bag of Chips

Rockefellerpop wrote: »

What can I do ?

You can decide who you want to make happy, you, your boyfriend or your parents.

Because it sounds like you can't make everyone happy.

So do you sacrifice this relationship for your parents?
Do you only go out with someone they like, but you may not love?
Do you swap your life and all future relationships for your parents' happiness?

Only you can answer those questions.

Rockefellerpop

m'lady wrote: »

I understand you what to keep your parents happy but you are an adult and maybe need to stand up for yourself.
Saying that I think you need to consider whether you actually want this relationship and if he's as invested as you appear to be.

The lack of contact from him and hiding your relationship would worry me, did he give any reason why he wanted to hide it?

I do want this relationship to work because I love him. The first time I asked why he hasn't told people he said he's unsure(his feelings, whether we will work out) and he wanted to end the discussion. After asking him subsequent times he mentioned he is a secretive and shy person.

Rockefellerpop

green_screen wrote: »

Your issue with your parents is something you need to sort out. You're 25, not 15! I'm 25 and I do things that my mam isn't entirely happy with. She'd prefer if I were a virgin and didn't drink or go to clubs.

But she understands I'm an adult capable of making my own decisions so she supports me regardless. She even offered to give me money for condoms the other day!

You need to decide which is more important - being an adult, or still being mammy and daddy's child. Are you going to spend your life living with them, doing what they want so you don't upset them?

Lucky you but I have traditional and conservative Asian parents and you have no idea how overprotective they are of me (curfews and stuff). You're lucky your mom is so supportive. I only wished my parents can see how miserable I am stuck here while he's on the other side of the world. Believe me I've stood up to my dad in the past and things turned out ugly. He has a very bad temper so it's difficult to rebel but this time, I can feel it's different however I'm just wondering whether it's worth it to go against them. What if this is all a ruse to use me ?

Big Bag of Chips

I may be way off, but maybe he's not telling people because he doesn't really know if you're in a relationship, or have a long distance friendship? When he starts telling people about you, they will inevitably start asking questions about you. And if he cant answer that he has a proper adult relationship with you then people might start making him doubt what is actually going on with you.

I don't mean you should be having sex. Of course you should wait until you are comfortable. But "not being allowed" visit him might open him up to a bit of slagging. You not coming over here, but expecting him to go there might raise suspicions.

I'm not saying that any of those thoughts or lines of questioning would be justified, but people love a good gossip, and love to think there must be something funny going on.

LDR is notoriously difficult. And communication is the only thing you have so you need to be very good at it. If you don't have good communication then you don't have a relationship. And I don't just mean talking every day... You need to be able to talk about all the inevitable problems that are specific to a long distance relationship.

strobe

Is the long distance situation likely to be an ongoing one for the foreseeable future? Because honestly, you really don't seem mature enough or secure enough in yourself to be able to conduct that kind of relationship without driving yourself loopy.

Penny Tration

Rockefellerpop wrote: »

Lucky you but I have traditional and conservative Asian parents and you have no idea how overprotective they are of me (curfews and stuff). You're lucky your mom is so supportive. I only wished my parents can see how miserable I am stuck here while he's on the other side of the world. Believe me I've stood up to my dad in the past and things turned out ugly. He has a very bad temper so it's difficult to rebel but this time, I can feel it's different however I'm just wondering whether it's worth it to go against them. What if this is all a ruse to use me ?

Tbh, if things are that bad at home, it's time to get a job and move out, even into a house share.

Rockefellerpop

strobe wrote: »

Is the long distance situation likely to be an ongoing one for the foreseeable future? Because honestly, you really don't seem mature enough or secure enough in yourself to be able to conduct that kind of relationship without driving yourself loopy.

We have plans to work in the country where we met in the first quarter of next year. Fingers crossed that we'll manage to get a job there.

Penny Tration

Rockefellerpop wrote: »

We have plans to work in the country where we met in the first quarter of next year. Fingers crossed that we'll manage to get a job there.

Will your parents allow that?

I don't mean that in any rude way at all, but if you're going to do what your parents want, I would suggest getting their approval before making plans with your boyfriend.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

I can understand your boyfriend's difficulties and why he hasn't told many people about your relationship. You have been together for 6 months but 5 months is a long distance and you guys haven't had sex because you don't want to and I respect that but for a guy who is not from the same culture and sex is an important part of a relationship for most people.

I am an Asian girl myself and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man if I haven't had sex with him because I need to know if we are sexually compatible, it doesn't mean I jump in to bed with him after a few dates but 6 months has passed and your boyfriend won't be able to cuddle you or make love to you when he is visiting you there then it's a hard choice.

I understand you have to respect your parents's house rule that you can't sleep together in the same bed but if I were you , I would visit him where he is. its a great way for you to see how he lives, meet his friends and see different country and culture or if he comes over to your country, you two can book a hotel a few times during his stay.

You are 25 and you should be able to do what you want and do what makes you happy. Your boyfriend would feel much secure in relationship with you if he knows you are willing to stand up for yourself and your relationship instead of doing what you parents want.

Barely There

Rockefellerpop wrote: »

Lucky you but I have traditional and conservative Asian parents and you have no idea how overprotective they are of me (curfews and stuff).

Eh, you're 25 not a 12 year old .

Time to stand up on your own feet.

Get a job, Get a place to live. Start making your own decisions about your own life.

Big Bag of Chips

This is a tricky one, OP, because you are asking should you break up with him because you feel he might just want you for sex. I would think from a different angle that maybe you should break up with him because it's not fair on him to be in a relationship that is dictated by his girlfriend's father.

Your life is going to go one of two ways. You are eventually going to move on and live your life the way you would like. Your parents are going to get upset, but will eventually have to accept it, or you will live the life your parents choose for you.

If you hope to eventually go out and live your own life, why not start now? Sure, your dad will be upset, but you are 25. At 25 you shouldn't really be that dependent on your parents and their blessing. You should be fairly independent, with an income of your own and the means to move out of home.

Now, I want to point out that I know very little about Asian culture, and if moving out of home into an apartment or similar is as easy as it might be in Ireland. But if you have plans to move to another country soon, then surely you can move to another address in the meantime?

Otherwise, you stay at home and do exactly as your parents expect of you. That is a decision you are perfectly entitled to make. But you have to accept and realise that your boyfriend is equally entitled to decide that it's not what he wants. If he is at a stage in his relationship with his own parents that they don't tell him what he can or can't do, then you cannot expect him to be ok with someone else's parents telling him what he can or can't do.

I think it is unfortunate, because you two do seem to really like each other, but I think your lives and your cultures are possibly too different for this to work out long term...... Sorry.

Rockefellerpop

green_screen wrote: »

Will your parents allow that?

I don't mean that in any rude way at all, but if you're going to do what your parents want, I would suggest getting their approval before making plans with your boyfriend.

Oh I've worked in that country for 1.5 years and I have to move out If I return (previously lived there with my aunt). My parents would prefer me to stay in our country but I don't want that.

Rockefellerpop

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

This is a tricky one, OP, because you are asking should you break up with him because you feel he might just want you for sex. I would think from a different angle that maybe you should break up with him because it's not fair on him to be in a relationship that is dictated by his girlfriend's father.

Your life is going to go one of two ways. You are eventually going to move on and live your life the way you would like. Your parents are going to get upset, but will eventually have to accept it, or you will live the life your parents choose for you.

If you hope to eventually go out and live your own life, why not start now? Sure, your dad will be upset, but you are 25. At 25 you shouldn't really be that dependent on your parents and their blessing. You should be fairly independent, with an income of your own and the means to move out of home.

Now, I want to point out that I know very little about Asian culture, and if moving out of home into an apartment or similar is as easy as it might be in Ireland. But if you have plans to move to another country soon, then surely you can move to another address in the meantime?

Otherwise, you stay at home and do exactly as your parents expect of you. That is a decision you are perfectly entitled to make. But you have to accept and realise that your boyfriend is equally entitled to decide that it's not what he wants. If he is at a stage in his relationship with his own parents that they don't tell him what he can or can't do, then you cannot expect him to be ok with someone else's parents telling him what he can or can't do.

I think it is unfortunate, because you two do seem to really like each other, but I think your lives and your cultures are possibly too different for this to work out long term...... Sorry.

Oh I'm between jobs right now, going to study intensively for two months which will hopefully land me my desired job. What you're saying is very insightful. Actually he tries to listen to his parents too. Your last paragraph sounds very foreboding lol. It is something to worry about, the meshing of our cultures. When we discussed visiting him, which includes the Christmas period, he has a problem celebrating Christmas with his family and me because Christmas is a significant event and he'll feel like I'm part of their family and he has to ask his parents. At the moment he is working in another country so he will return to his country during Christmas to celebrate with family.

Big Bag of Chips

Why would he see you as part of his family??!!! You are only going out together a few months! Christmas can be a tricky time. I know I like Christmas to be just my family together. I love that we're all on holidays. There's no rushing around. Somedays we don't even get out of our pjs!! I would hate to have to entertain a guest during Christmas. Especially Christmas Day. That's our day. The day the door is closed and we are all together. There's loads of other days during the year that people can visit. Christmas is for just us. And I'm sure lots of families feel the same.

If he lives at home of course he has to ask his parents' permission for you to come and stay... It's their house! To not ask them would be rude.

When you move to the other country are you going to be living with your aunt again. No offense, but it's not really moving out, is it? Will your boyfriend be allowed to stay with you, in your room, in your aunt's house? Will you be allowed stay in his house? Your aunt will be keeping an eye on you and reporting back to your parents.

Until you are brave enough to make the decisions you want to make then I don't see a happy future for you.

Edit: You had edited your post before I replied. That's why my first line might seem off to posters who didn't see your original post!

Rockefellerpop

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Why would he see you as part of his family??!!! You are only going out together a few months! Christmas can be a tricky time. I know I like Christmas to be just my family together. I love that we're all on holidays. There's no rushing around. Somedays we don't even get out of our pjs!! I would hate to have to entertain a guest during Christmas. Especially Christmas Day. That's our day. The day the door is closed and we are all together. There's loads of other days during the year that people can visit. Christmas is for just us. And I'm sure lots of families feel the same.

If he lives at home of course he has to ask his parents' permission for you to come and stay... It's their house! To not ask them would be rude.

When you move to the other country are you going to be living with your aunt again. No offense, but it's not really moving out, is it? Will your boyfriend be allowed to stay with you, in your room, in your aunt's house? Will you be allowed stay in his house? Your aunt will be keeping an eye on you and reporting back to your parents.

Until you are brave enough to make the decisions you want to make then I don't see a happy future for you.

Edit: You had edited your post before I replied. That's why my first line might seem off to posters who didn't see your original post!

No I will be living on my own although we have made tentative plans to live together to save on rent. It was my idea. My aunt kicked me out for trying to live my life. I think you got it mixed up. I'm not moving to his country in the near future but we are hoping to get a job in another country, which is where we met. He is currently doing his internship in the neighboring country of his origin so if I visit, I'll be staying with him in the room he is renting. Sorry if this sounds confusing :$

Big Bag of Chips

No I knew you meant a different country. When I asked would you be allowed stay in his house, I meant would your aunt allow you?

But that's irrelevant now. I just hope your relationship lasts until then. It's a long time for a couple to have to wait before they can be a proper couple.