24 year old son getting pocket money

Stheno

I've been having some disagreements with my OH lately in relation to his adult children. He has two, aged 21 and 24

They are both imo very immature, the 24 year old has never had a job, failed two years of college and is now in his sixth year of a four year degree as a result.

At the moment he is repeating his last year, but doesn't attend college, he has to resit two exams and do a project.

My OH still gives him pocket money of €50 per week, plus €20 a month mobile credit, and still pays maintenance.

His son essentially refuses to get a job, and I feel that part of the reason why is that he has the cushion of the pocket money/credit etc.

It's becoming a real source of tension for me and my OH and I feel this should stop.
Am I being unreasonable?

GarIT

You're not unreasonable. Your OH has some growing up to do.

However your OH would be liable to pay maintenance until each child turns 23 or leaves full time education.

LegacyUser

I understand where you're coming from, however IMHO it isn't really your place to interfere. Your OH seems to be happy with the arrangement and it's not worth letting it come between you.

Oink

The son sounds like a right tool, but unless it affects you in some way it's probably not for you to decide. Does it impact the money your OH has to to spend on your common expenses?
I'd be careful about telling someone else how to spend their money without a good reason.

Stheno

GarIT wrote: »

You're not unreasonable. Your OH has some growing up to do.

However your OH would be liable to pay maintenance until each child turns 23 or leaves full time education.

Ah I thought the maintenance stopped at 23 regardless.

I can live with the maintenance which is not much, but not with the pocket money and phone credit tbh

His sons attitude is really poor, he's long hair and a generally scruffy appearance and he basically refuses to accept that he has to smarten up to get a job. I'm at the point where I'm sick of his leaching off his father and I do view it as such, on top of the pocket money and credit, his father regularly gets him groceries

I guess I have to lay this out to his father and explain how unhappy I am, as it affects us as a couple due to him not having money as he is subsiding his layabout son

Stheno

Oink wrote: »

The son sounds like a right tool, but unless it affects you in some way it's probably not for you to decide. Does it impact the money your OH has to to spend on your common expenses?
I'd be careful about telling someone else how to spend their money without a good reason.

Yes, so much so that my OH regularly has to borrow money from me to make ends meet each month, and rarely pays it back

He is also extremely extravagant with gifts to his children, birthdays and Christmas usually involve gifts of cash of €200 each, plus about another €100 on additional gifts.

Normal gift for me for birthday/christmas/anniversary would be less than €100

my teapot is orange

You may be completely right but I'd be very slow to interfere with the relationship between father and child if you're not his parent.

Also, if he doesn't go to college and is supposed to be studying "off-books", but is forced to get a job and fails again, you will be eternally blamed especially if they kick him off the degree entirely.

Until he finishes college, and you have more solid ground to stand on, I wouldn't make any argument on maintenance and pocket money.

You would be justified in arguing about any money borrowed from you. The extravagant gifts are different.

GarIT

Maintenance stops at 18 if the child is not in full time education, otherwise it stops when the child leaves education or turns 23.

LionelNashe

In my opinion, there is no point in falling out with your other half over the $50 a week pocket money. You even say yourself that this is only 'part of the reason' he doesn't get a job.

If he's failed two years of college and never had a job, he obviously has some general issues with drive and motivation. You say he's immature. Does he seem happy with his situation or is he in a bit of a funk?

You could just say he's lazy or immature, but that's just a label that doesn't explain or help the situation. His parents obviously split up when he was younger, or maybe his mother has died. Depending on how old he was when this happened, he could be stuck in an adolescent stage of development, directionless, with no clear vision of what he wants to do.

GarIT

Stheno wrote: »

Yes, so much so that my OH regularly has to borrow money from me to make ends meet each month, and rarely pays it back

He is also extremely extravagant with gifts to his children, birthdays and Christmas usually involve gifts of cash of €200 each, plus about another €100 on additional gifts.

Normal gift for me for birthday/christmas/anniversary would be less than €100

If he is having money trouble because of this I would leave him to deal with it himself? Are you living together? Both working? Assuming one of you is not supporting the other I would suggest you ask to open a joint account for the household that you pay into equally, and any money you have outside of that is for yourself.

Most importantly I'd stop lending him money.

Stheno

my teapot is orange wrote: »

You may be completely right but I'd be very slow to interfere with the relationship between father and child if you're not his parent.

Also, if he doesn't go to college and is supposed to be studying "off-books", but is forced to get a job and fails again, you will be eternally blamed especially if they kick him off the degree entirely.

Until he finishes college, and you have more solid ground to stand on, I wouldn't make any argument on maintenance and pocket money.

You would be justified in arguing about any money borrowed from you. The extravagant gifts are different.

The money borrowed from me is to maintain my OH giving his son that money as he cannot support him on his income.

GarIT wrote: »

Maintenance stops at 18 if the child is not in full time education, otherwise it stops when the child leaves education or turns 23.

He's still in education at the age of 24 and unlikely to succeed imo, he's a complete failure with little drive to accomplish anything imo.

LionelNashe wrote: »

In my opinion, there is no point in falling out with your other half over the $50 a week pocket money. You even say yourself that this is only 'part of the reason' he doesn't get a job.

If he's failed two years of college and never had a job, he obviously has some general issues with drive and motivation. You say he's immature. Does he seem happy with his situation or is he in a bit of a funk?

You could just say he's lazy or immature, but that's just a label that doesn't explain or help the situation. His parents obviously split up when he was younger, or maybe his mother has died. Depending on how old he was when this happened, he could be stuck in an adolescent stage of development, directionless, with no clear vision of what he wants to do.

He seems quite happy to just drift along, his parents split up when he was three.

I've been around when his father has had chats with him about getting a job and his son just goes "yeah yeah, I hear ya!" and does nothing. He's extremely lazy and when he is in our house is happy to litter the house with his dirty ashtray, dirty plates and beer bottles and just leave it.

My OH recently asked him to give him a hand mowing the lawn and he refused to do so, he's just a waste of space imo.

homemadecider

You're enabling your partner. Stop giving him money and he might learn to stop passing so much onto his son.

Have you tried this approach before?

my teapot is orange

How much is the mother giving?

Stheno

GarIT wrote: »

If he is having money trouble because of this I would leave him to deal with it himself? Are you living together? Both working? Assuming one of you is not supporting the other I would suggest you ask to open a joint account for the household that you pay into equally, and any money you have outside of that is for yourself.

Most importantly I'd stop lending him money.

We do live together and both of us work, I earn a fair bit more than him.

The cost of his children means that most months he runs out of money a week before payday, and I'm at the point where I'll leave him without as I'm sick of how much he spends on his adult children tbh.

That may sound awful, but I'm sick of subsiding them. And quite frankly I cannot get the notion of a 24 year old accepting pocket money as being right. I probably sound really harsh, but I worked from when I was sixteen and was independant at 18

GarIT

Stheno wrote: »

The money borrowed from me is to maintain my OH giving his son that money as he cannot support him on his income.



He's still in education at the age of 24 and unlikely to succeed imo, he's a complete failure with little drive to accomplish anything imo.


He seems quite happy to just drift along, his parents split up when he was three.

I've been around when his father has had chats with him about getting a job and his son just goes "yeah yeah, I hear ya!" and does nothing. He's extremely lazy and when he is in our house is happy to litter the house with his dirty ashtray, dirty plates and beer bottles and just leave it.

My OH recently asked him to give him a hand mowing the lawn and he refused to do so, he's just a waste of space imo.

I could be a little extreme but if a child of mine was getting less than an average of about 60% that would be the end of me supporting them through education. Failing a year would mean they never see a penny from me again.

MagicMarker

I don't understand how you can complain about him giving money to his son when you're doing the exact same thing with him.

Stop giving him money.

Big Bag of Chips

Maintenance stops at 18 or 23 if in full time education. Past that age an adult would be expected to be able to maintain themselves.

Either way you're not going to get anywhere with this. He is a product of his upbringing, and unless his parents stop funding him he has no reason to change himself. And from what you say your partner isn't going to stop of his own accord. You're as guilty as he is, really, because you are effectively giving your partner money so that he can give his son money...

Stop giving him money.

Stheno

homemadecider wrote: »

You're enabling your partner. Stop giving him money and he might learn to stop passing so much onto his son.

Have you tried this approach before?

No, but I'm tempted to tbh, my partner knows I earn a lot more than him and generally have spare cash

my teapot is orange wrote: »

How much is the mother giving?

Very little, they live a weird existence each of them in the mothers house have seperate food cupboards, but the mother rarely buys the kids groceries

All in all his kids cost my OH about €1000 a month which for a 21 and 24 year old I think is ridiculous.

GarIT

Stheno wrote: »

We do live together and both of us work, I earn a fair bit more than him.

The cost of his children means that most months he runs out of money a week before payday, and I'm at the point where I'll leave him without as I'm sick of how much he spends on his adult children tbh.

That may sound awful, but I'm sick of subsiding them. And quite frankly I cannot get the notion of a 24 year old accepting pocket money as being right. I probably sound really harsh, but I worked from when I was sixteen and was independant at 18

You're not wrong at harsh at all. If he was really trying I would see it differently but he is just living off and wasting handouts. He will never learn if he is not made to.

Stheno

MagicMarker wrote: »

I don't understand how you can complain about him giving money to his son when you're doing the exact same thing with him.

Stop giving him money.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Maintenance stops at 18 or 23 if in full time education. Past that age an adult would be expected to be able to maintain themselves.

Either way you're not going to get anywhere with this. He is a product of his upbringing, and unless his parents stop funding him he has no reason to change himself. And from what you say your partner isn't going to stop of his own accord. You're as guilty as he is, really, because you are effectively giving your partner money so that he can give his son money...

Stop giving him money.

I was thinking of that, but thought it was harsh, but you know what, you're right.

No more funding from me

Bucklesman

Stheno wrote: »

Ah I thought the maintenance stopped at 23 regardless.

I can live with the maintenance which is not much, but not with the pocket money and phone credit tbh

His sons attitude is really poor, he's long hair and a generally scruffy appearance and he basically refuses to accept that he has to smarten up to get a job. I'm at the point where I'm sick of his leaching off his father and I do view it as such, on top of the pocket money and credit, his father regularly gets him groceries

I guess I have to lay this out to his father and explain how unhappy I am, as it affects us as a couple due to him not having money as he is subsiding his layabout son

If someone told you they had a problem with your appearance when you were 24, I'm sure they'd form the opinion you had a bad attitude too. You can refuse to lend your SO money, but trying to dictate anything further is just going to poison your relationships with everyone involved.

OP, my friends daughter is in 2nd year at college. She doesn't work, she will be there until she is at least 23. My friend gives her 'pocket money ' every month.

I'm nearly 40, my mam gives me money on my birthday.

I'm not sure what your problem with your oh son is. I think your problem is with your other half. Its up to him to organise his money. If he can't manage on his wages that's his problem. He needs to sort that out himself, without borrowing from you.

If you both half a joint account for your joint expenses, I really don't think its any of your business what he spends his own money on.
Perhaps stop lending him money and he could start budgeting himself?

I think you're very hard on the son, if his father keeps giving him money, why wouldn't he take it?

Just so you know, I moved out if home at 18, and worked since I was 14.
Different strikes for different folks, fair play to your oh helping his son out.

Oink

The main thing is that you cant let this strain your relationship.

You need to have a real discussion with OH so you get a chance to fix this. But without pushing him into a corner or antagonizing him.

Best of luck.

kristian12

I think part of the issue here is you clearly don't think much of his son and when talking to your o/h this probably comes across. This means he's less likely to take your objections on board as he's bound to feel defensive even if he knows you are right.

Try a different tack of you want to help his son gain a sense of responsibilty so he has to earn the money by doing odd jobs. Point out it'll build his sons esteem to earn his money rather than just sponge it. Play it so you are trying to help his son. You may find the money stops because he refuses to earn it.

Stheno

GarIT wrote: »

You're not wrong at harsh at all. If he was really trying I would see it differently but he is just living off and wasting handouts. He will never learn if he is not made to.

His father and I sat him down a month ago and talked to him about getting a job, any job. His father then took him to meet one of his former lecturers and he said the same to him, as he's not full time studying.

The sons response was "ok" and he's done nothing, not applied for any of the Christmas jobs we suggested, nothing.

my teapot is orange

Stheno wrote: »

Very little, they live a weird existence each of them in the mothers house have seperate food cupboards, but the mother rarely buys the kids groceries

All in all his kids cost my OH about €1000 a month which for a 21 and 24 year old I think is ridiculous.

This is difficult, because if she is being paid maintenance, I would expect her to be spending it on him, so that he doesn't need so much pocket money. But on the other hand at 24 she doesn't even have to let him stay in the house, and maybe her not spending money on him is her way of smartening him up. But that wouldn't explain her attitude to the younger guy. If he is still in higher education, she would still have obligations towards him.

professore

It's his son, let him shower him with money if that's what he wants. If he starves the last week of each month as a result just don't give him anything yourself.

Big Bag of Chips

It's irrelevant what you earn. You are not financially responsible for your partner's children. I know many parents still help out their adult children on occasion, if needed. (I know I'm very grateful for my parents!) But it shouldn't be on an ongoing basis. And if it is they have failed as parents to bring their children up to become normal functioning independent adults.

Stheno

kristian12 wrote: »

I think part of the issue here is you clearly don't think much of his son and when talking to your o/h this probably comes across. This means he's less likely to take your objections on board as he's bound to feel defensive even if he knows you are right.

Try a different tack of you want to help his son gain a sense of responsibilty so he has to earn the money by doing odd jobs. Point out it'll build his sons esteem to earn his money rather than just sponge it. Play it so you are trying to help his son. You may find the money stops because he refuses to earn it.

Quite the opposite, I got him a placement in my work, and he got let go as he wasn't great at doing stuff.

My OH knows that his son is shy and needs to develop, and strike out, but his son refuses to do so as he has the cushion of living at home, and being funded by Dad, my OH admits that this is the case.

LegacyUser

GarIT wrote: »

I could be a little extreme but if a child of mine was getting less than an average of about 60% that would be the end of me supporting them through education. Failing a year would mean they never see a penny from me again.

+1 this kid is doing a four year degree programme and its taking him six years so far. For the years that he had repeat the father should have stopped paying for him and told him to get a job.

kristian12

Stheno wrote: »

Quite the opposite, I got him a placement in my work, and he got let go as he wasn't great at doing stuff.

My OH knows that his son is shy and needs to develop, and strike out, but his son refuses to do so as he has the cushion of living at home, and being funded by Dad, my OH admits that this is the case.

Fair enough, and good on you for trying to help him.

Is it guilt that he wasn't around full time for his children when they were younger or is your o/h as laid back about everything.

Either way you shouldn't have to substitute his children.