Looking like lower than normal wedding attendance

Tarzana2

Hi all,

My sister's wedding is in three weeks. They invited 125 people and so far 27 are not coming and 65 are. So it's drifted under the 100 mark already and they are not expecting all of the remaining to come. It's not too bad, I suppose but they're really hoping to get 80.

The reason I'm writing this is because my sis is fairly down about it. Most of the declines are her side. All her workmates aren't going and these would have been people she considered proper friends. And some rellies she thought would go aren't. It's compounded by the fact that her hen was poorly attended and most people left straight after the meal, so it was a big letdown, despite me and the other BMs efforts!

It's a time of high stress for with it now looming, and I seem to keep saying the wrong things. Everything leads to a stressed, snappy response. :-/

Anyone dealt with anything like this and any idea how I can cheer her up without, I dunno, accidentally implying she's a friendless wonder or something. :pac:

jimmii

The only thing that really matters is that the people she cares about and who matter to her are there. We had <20 at our wedding and it was an amazing day. People have such an obsession with numbers I don't get it at all the day is about the marriage not about making sure you have X amount coming as that is what you are meant to have tell her to forget about that and just look forward to having an amazing day with the people she loves as you can be sure those will be the ones who are there.

mockingjay

Sorry to hear about this, it must be very disheartening after all the preparations. I just wonder what day of the week the wedding is on? This could be the reason. I had a relative who got married on a Thursday last year and it was a very awkward day for a lot of people. Most people save their valuable Annual Leave for immediate family time. If it is midweek it might be worth sitting her down and explaining this to her, as sometimes when it's your own wedding you can overlook the fact that people's lives are hectic.

Tarzana2

jimmii wrote: »

The only thing that really matters is that the people she cares about and who matter to her are there. We had <20 at our wedding and it was an amazing day. People have such an obsession with numbers I don't get it at all the day is about the marriage not about making sure you have X amount coming as that is what you are meant to have tell her to forget about that and just look forward to having an amazing day with the people she loves as you can be sure those will be the ones who are there.

I agree, I never really wanted a big wedding myself, and now after seeing how much goes into it and how much is riding on it, I *definitely* don't want one.

mockingjay wrote: »

Sorry to hear about this, it must be very disheartening after all the preparations. I just wonder what day of the week the wedding is on?

It's on a Friday. Only thing is, they left it quite late sending out invitations. I was surprised at how disorganised they were. They posted them only six weeks TO THE DAY before, meaning that people got them with less than six weeks to go. The includes the US and UK invites!

I think with weddings later in the year, it's tricky because by then many people have most of their AL used up and might need the rest for Christmas. Even my BF had to borrow a day from next year's AL to attend!

A definite no-no bringing up her lack of organisation and planning with her. She's been the drum of ME being disorganised for years, now's not the best time to point out the irony! :pac:

annoyedgal

I've declined two family weddings this year as they are on a Friday. In my job it is not possible to take days outside of set holidays. you need to be prepared for a certain level of declines if it's midweek, even a Friday. could you gently remind her of the true meaning of a wedding! finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with! she's very lucky to have this and get worried about numbers, while totally understandable, will not matter on the day.

fits

I would put it down to time of year. Close to Christmas and annual leave issues. She will probably enjoy the day itself more with lower numbers, but agree it must be disheartening to have so many invitations turned down.

pwurple

A weekday, short notice and time of year. All she needed to add was Awkward Location for even fewer responses.

Sorry, but there is no chance I'd be accepting that invite unless it was immediate family.


Hope the hotel don't have minimum numbers though, she might want to check that.


In fairness, the workmates one... if she normally works fridays, she can't have expected that the whole team would be able to just close up shop for her wedding.

clint_silver

pwurple wrote: »

A weekday, short notice and time of year. All she needed to add was Awkward Location for even fewer responses.

Sorry, but there is no chance I'd be accepting that invite unless it was immediate family.


Hope the hotel don't have minimum numbers though, she might want to check that.

completely with this, no way, even if I had AL.

its like she played every card possible to get people not to go so she cant really get depressed about it. best thing you can do is say no point getting worried about it and try and get her to concentrate on the people that are there.

nidgeweaseal

Tarzana2 wrote: »

Hi all,

My sister's wedding is in three weeks. They invited 125 people and so far 27 are not coming and 65 are. So it's drifted under the 100 mark already and they are not expecting all of the remaining to come. It's not too bad, I suppose but they're really hoping to get 80.

The reason I'm writing this is because my sis is fairly down about it. Most of the declines are her side. All her workmates aren't going and these would have been people she considered proper friends. And some rellies she thought would go aren't. It's compounded by the fact that her hen was poorly attended and most people left straight after the meal, so it was a big letdown, despite me and the other BMs efforts!

It's a time of high stress for with it now looming, and I seem to keep saying the wrong things. Everything leads to a stressed, snappy response. :-/

Anyone dealt with anything like this and any idea how I can cheer her up without, I dunno, accidentally implying she's a friendless wonder or something. :pac:

Nobody likes your sister.

pwurple

nidgeweaseal wrote: »

Nobody likes your sister.

Ah that's mean. I'm sure they like her, but the wedding arrangments are fairly awkward.

nidgeweaseal

pwurple wrote: »

Ah that's mean. I'm sure they like her, but the wedding arrangments are fairly awkward.

It's fine nobody likes me either but I'm a bit of a c.u.n.t

Broken Strings

Just out of curiosity, are people really that opposed to weekday weddings?

We are having ours in a very central location, handy for everyone but it's on a Friday in the Middle of Spring. I didn't think that having it on a Friday would be that much of an issue but reading some of the responses I'm a bit concerned now.

I've never been to a weekend wedding, only ever weekday ones so I didn't really think about having it on a Saturday, that any the fact that weekend weddings are often more expensive. Aside from that we know people people from all types of work who aren't necessarily confined to standard shift or Monday to Friday hours so chances are a some (maybe half) of our guests would have had to take AL anyway, even if it was Weekend wedding.

We'll be giving plenty of notice and it's not an awkward spot for travel so I'm hoping we wont come up with as many issues as OP but I'm starting to worry a small bit now!

fits

Ours is mad awkward too. A Friday in July in the west. Couldn't get a solemniser on a Saturday. Didnt want to have a local wedding for various important reasons. Only close friends and family invited though so i think 95% will manage it.

pwurple

If it's a good bit of notice, and at the start of the year, Friday's are mostly ok for us. It's just with 5 wks notice, at the end of year as well, that would not have worked. Monday, tuesday, wednesday though, there really is no chance.

Everyone's work is different. Loads of people find it difficult to get time off say...
-during school term if they are in teaching
-At month end if they are in financials
-at end of quarter if they are in manufacturing
-over christmas or sale periods if they are in retail
-in november if they are in public accounting

etc.

So it depends on the circle of friends and family.

And if you are inviting a whole group or team from work, on a work-day.... well that goes almost without saying that it won't happen.

Tarzana2

clint_silver wrote: »

its like she played every card possible to get people not to go so she cant really get depressed about it.

Eh, wut? No, that's really not it.

Good points though, people, stuff I would never have thought of, really. I didn't think Friday weddings were as bad as the other weekdays, with the weekend being the next day.

One thing though, NONE of her work friends are going. But that could be for a number of reasons.

I think it might actually make for a more relaxing day, though I think all couples worry about the horror of an empty dancefloor!

razorblunt

Broken Strings wrote: »

Just out of curiosity, are people really that opposed to weekday weddings?

We are having ours in a very central location, handy for everyone but it's on a Friday in the Middle of Spring. I didn't think that having it on a Friday would be that much of an issue but reading some of the responses I'm a bit concerned now.

I've never been to a weekend wedding, only ever weekday ones so I didn't really think about having it on a Saturday, that any the fact that weekend weddings are often more expensive. Aside from that we know people people from all types of work who aren't necessarily confined to standard shift or Monday to Friday hours so chances are a some (maybe half) of our guests would have had to take AL anyway, even if it was Weekend wedding.

We'll be giving plenty of notice and it's not an awkward spot for travel so I'm hoping we wont come up with as many issues as OP but I'm starting to worry a small bit now!

I wouldn't think so but you'd need more than 6 weeks notice surely? Especially this late in the year where one day off the wedding might mean one day away from their own family over Xmas.

I wouldn't take it too much to heart if I was her, there are plenty of valid reasons for decline.

Without causing offence (even though it probably will) is she upset due to the possible lack of gifts this will see?

Broken Strings

razorblunt wrote: »

I wouldn't think so but you'd need more than 6 weeks notice surely? Especially this late in the year where one day off the wedding might mean one day away from their own family over Xmas.

I wouldn't take it too much to heart if I was her, there are plenty of valid reasons for decline.

Without causing offence (even though it probably will) is she upset due to the possible lack of gifts this will see?

Ah we're spring 2016 so we've loads of time yet :P

We've also already invited and given the details to guests coming from abroad. It's not that we're trying to force them in to coming by giving them so much notice, if they can't make it then it's totally cool but we figured we'd give them over a year to save up and be prepared if they are interested. There's a few friends who have said it suits them because they've emigrated to far places so they can coincide it with a week long visit home too. That won't work for everyone though, and we understand that too.

lazygal

We had a Friday wedding for several reasons.
We knew this might not suit so braced ourselves for declines and sent invites three months ahead of time. We had a 3pm ceremony so people might be able to work a half day and had everything in one place where most people could have the option of public transport to get to. Then we ran a free bar and kept the food flowing. No day will automatically everyone so you have to be prepared for declines for lots of different reasons. I wouldn't be able to attend a midweek wedding myself during certain times of the year and if a venue is awkward and/orexpensive we'd probably think twice for all but very close friends and family.

theteal

I'm completely jealous OP. I only want about 70 at ours. The future mrsTeal, in her wisdom, sent out more invites without me knowing because "ooooh, we have to send them an invite, they're family". . . .




. . . .the count looks at about 104 at the moment :mad:



I think I'll change the official RSVP cutoff date :cool:

Electric Sheep

Broken Strings wrote: »

Just out of curiosity, are people really that opposed to weekday weddings?

We are having ours in a very central location, handy for everyone but it's on a Friday in the Middle of Spring. I didn't think that having it on a Friday would be that much of an issue but reading some of the responses I'm a bit concerned now.

I've never been to a weekend wedding, only ever weekday ones so I didn't really think about having it on a Saturday, that any the fact that weekend weddings are often more expensive. Aside from that we know people people from all types of work who aren't necessarily confined to standard shift or Monday to Friday hours so chances are a some (maybe half) of our guests would have had to take AL anyway, even if it was Weekend wedding.

We'll be giving plenty of notice and it's not an awkward spot for travel so I'm hoping we wont come up with as many issues as OP but I'm starting to worry a small bit now!

In my experience, people have become VERY fed up with weekday weddings. They used to be very unusual, but now they seem to be more common than Saturday weddings. It seems kind of presumptious to assume that guests will use their precious holiday time to save the pocket of the bridge and groom.

Actually, I am hearing lately that people are just fed up of weddings in general, especially ones that require travel and an overnight stay.

I would ony attend a weekday wedding for an immediate family member, which in fact was twice last year.

Broken Strings

Electric Sheep wrote: »

In my experience, people have become VERY fed up with weekday weddings. They used to be very unusual, but now they seem to be more common than Saturday weddings. It seems kind of presumptious to assume that guests will use their precious holiday time to save the pocket of the bridge and groom.

Actually, I am hearing lately that people are just fed up of weddings in general, especially ones that require travel and an overnight stay.

I would ony attend a weekday wedding for an immediate family member, which in fact was twice last year.

Great thing about ours is that for all the guest who aren't coming from abroad (which is probably about 95%) it's only a short taxi journey home for everyone. 5-10 mins tops.

H2B's family are coming from a little further but we are covering their rooms so there's no bother there or too much expense on them.

Work is also only 10 minutes away from the venue so if people from the office can't make the ceremony (which is late enough in the day anyway), they can come along for the full meal which will start nearly 3 hours after work ends on a Friday. Or the afters, whichever suits.

lazygal

It depends on what stage you're at too. My husband was the last of his gang to marry and there's no weddings on the horizon for the near future so they're happy to attend the odd wedding once in a blue moon. I'm right in the middle of the weddings of friends but not sick of them, if it doesn't suit we just don't go. I think most people are realistic and know you'll always get declines and people who'll go but grumble.

mirrorwall14

Weddings on workdays are just really awkward. And a Friday doesn't necessarily make it any better because you are up against other staff who may also have events/annual leave booked for the Friday. I echo the poster above, if you have to do a Friday/weekday then do the photos etc before the ceremony and have the ceremony as late as possible (3/4 at least). That way people may be able to get off a couple of hours early rather than trying to get the day off.

As a teacher with set holidays and HR and Croke Park there is no cover available for discretionary days. A friend of mine got married on a Friday and i had to explain multiple times that it just isn't possible to 'just take the day off' or even 'just finish early' in teaching nowadays. I ended up running to the service after school in my work clothes and changing after which honestly was the best I could do.

I'll bet there are tons of other work environments that have similar issues

Electric Sheep

Just remembered, my niece got married on a Friday last year, then a few months later was bitching about having to take a day off for a friend's Friday wedding. I guess it never crossed her mind that other people had to take a day off to attend her own nuptials.:P

I guess the inconvenience seems minor when it is your own wedding, but major when it's another couple.

Bowlardo

I think if you have your wedding in November you are asking for people not to go especially if it is on a week day.
too close to christmas and most people have their holiday ate away by that time

razorblunt

Electric Sheep wrote: »

In my experience, people have become VERY fed up with weekday weddings. They used to be very unusual, but now they seem to be more common than Saturday weddings. It seems kind of presumptious to assume that guests will use their precious holiday time to save the pocket of the bridge and groom.

Actually, I am hearing lately that people are just fed up of weddings in general, especially ones that require travel and an overnight stay.

I would ony attend a weekday wedding for an immediate family member, which in fact was twice last year.

They're cheaper??? :eek:

I'm getting married on a Thursday and it's the same price as the weekend dates, unfortunately we wanted a wedding around Xmas and even with 2 years notice for the venue, Thursday was the only day left!

Saying that though we kept our numbers small and put invites out 6 months in advance.

jimmii

There is no way you should be paying the weekend rate on a Thursday!! When we were looking it seemed to generally be about 30% less and in some cases a bit more.

Electric Sheep

jimmii wrote: »

There is no way you should be paying the weekend rate on a Thursday!! When we were looking it seemed to generally be about 30% less and in some cases a bit more.

Yep. Everyone I know of that had a weekday wedding did it for financial reasons. There is usually a huge difference in the price. That is why it has become so popular (with the couples getting married, not with the guests).

pooch90

OP, could you speak to some of the friends who declined and see if they would be interested in coming to the afters?
I can't stand weekday weddings,pain in the ass for the majority of the guests.

lazygal

razorblunt wrote: »

They're cheaper??? :eek:

I'm getting married on a Thursday and it's the same price as the weekend dates, unfortunately we wanted a wedding around Xmas and even with 2 years notice for the venue, Thursday was the only day left!

Saying that though we kept our numbers small and put invites out 6 months in advance.

Unless it's a seriously popular venue there's no way you should be letting them charge weekend rates for a midweek wedding.

Electric Sheep

lazygal wrote: »

Unless it's a seriously popular venue there's no way you should be letting them charge weekend rates for a midweek wedding.

It's around Christmas, though, most venues have plenty of business with work parties, etc, so I guess they can charge full price then.

Broken Strings

Electric Sheep wrote: »

Just remembered, my niece got married on a Friday last year, then a few months later was bitching about having to take a day off for a friend's Friday wedding. I guess it never crossed her mind that other people had to take a day off to attend her own nuptials.:P

I guess the inconvenience seems minor when it is your own wedding, but major when it's another couple.

There's a finite amount of venues in Ireland and a finite amount of weekends in the year. Even if a couple have the money to get married at the weekend there might not be availability or if they are having a civil ceremony they can't get married at the weekend afaik. There could be a lot of factors for a weekday wedding to be fair.

To suggest that all couples who get married on weekdays do it without giving a second thought to their guests is a bit unfair tbh.

For the record if I was invited to a midweek wedding it wouldnt bother me as long as I had a bit of notice, and if for some reason I couldn't attend then i'd politley decline. I wouldn't hold it against them for having it midweek though.

Tarzana2

razorblunt wrote: »

Without causing offence (even though it probably will) is she upset due to the possible lack of gifts this will see?

No, it's definitely not that.

Toots

TBH, I reckon a lot of it could be due to the time of year combined with the lateness of the invites being sent.

No matter what the time of the year, six weeks notice is way too little for inviting guests from abroad (realistically less than that when you take posting time into consideration). If I was asked to go to a wedding in the states I wouldn't just be able to hop online and book flights, I'd have to save for a month or two first. I know some people say six weeks notice is "traditional" but I really don't think it's enough. If I remember right, I think I sent my invites 12 weeks before the wedding (october wedding) and had an RSVP date for 3 weeks prior to the day. That gave me time to chase up any stragglers who hadn't replied in time.

As other posters have already pointed out, a lot of people would have used up most of their annual leave for the year and seeing as it's coming into the busy Christmas season, it can be very hard to take time off. I know in my old job holidays in December and early January were pretty much embargoed. Do you mind me asking what industry your sister works in?

One thing I think you really need to be looking at is the 30 odd people who still haven't rsvp'd. If the wedding is only 3 weeks away, she'd want to be contacting these people and firming up on her numbers.

Addle

I find that a lot of couples book a Friday wedding because they want a wedding weekend and not just a wedding day.

Flippyfloppy

Addle wrote: »

I find that a lot of couples book a Friday wedding because they want a wedding weekend and not just a wedding day.

Most people I know who married on a weekday would have done so to get a hse Solemniser!

But yes,a lot of people will have used annual leave up by September when they wouldn't have even received your sisters invite!

Also, since recent times decline rates have Risen to an average of 15%. Add to this the whole Friday in November thing it's pretty normal. Maybe arrange to put a sign up in the church/ceremony room saying 'pick a seat, not a side' to stop your sister being embarrassed seeing her side relatively empty compared to H2B

cookiecakes

Your poor sister! The only people I know who sent out their invites 6 weeks before were the people who were hoping to keep the numbers down! As almost everyone else has said, she probably just did get unlucky with people having used up their annual leave.

Your sister might find she has a great day as having a small intimate wedding will mean she'll get to speak to everybody and get to actually spend time with them.

Tarzana2

Toots wrote: »

Do you mind me asking what industry your sister works in?

One thing I think you really need to be looking at is the 30 odd people who still haven't rsvp'd. If the wedding is only 3 weeks away, she'd want to be contacting these people and firming up on her numbers.

Hey, she's in a healthcare-related field.

I totally agree, they need to get figures nailed down. They have to let the venue know two weeks before they have a week. She's going to start contacting people in the next few days. I told her it's totally fine to push for an answer either way!

Addle wrote: »

I find that a lot of couples book a Friday wedding because they want a wedding weekend and not just a wedding day.

They're having a civil ceremony which going by this thread is probably the reason for the weekday wedding, though I'm not sure.

They *might* have a thing in the pub the night after the wedding if people are around but they don't mind if it doesn't happen.

Tarzana2

cookiecakes wrote: »

Your poor sister! The only people I know who sent out their invites 6 weeks before were the people who were hoping to keep the numbers down! As almost everyone else has said, she probably just did get unlucky with people having used up their annual leave.

Everyone told her six weeks, me included. Oops.

It was a throwaway comment from me though and I think if I was in the actual couple, I'd give it more thought. And I definitely would have them arriving on people's doormats six weeks before, not five!

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

Also, since recent times decline rates have Risen to an average of 15%

They were actually anticipating a 20% decline rate, which would have had around 100 people attending. They're know for sure that they're not getting 100 and there are probably more declines in the pipeline so it's going to be > 20%. :-/

moans3536

Getting a wedding invite in the post is like getting an unexpected bill/fine.

Unless it's immediate family getting married again , or very close friends I have no interest in forking out a fortune for a day out.

Flippyfloppy

moans3536 wrote: »

IMO Getting a wedding invite in the post is like getting an unexpected bill/fine.

Unless it's immediate family getting married again , or very close friends I have no interest in forking out a fortune for a day out.

FYP

Andiewoo

I think a very big surprise day out is on the cards with her sister.. You need to swoosh in now and help. The seating plan will be stressful for her so I suggest you be around to help!

razorblunt

Tarzana2 wrote: »

No, it's definitely not that.

Ok, saw two couples with similar worries before and that was the crux of the matter, couldn't believe it!

December2012

Just keep reassuring her that it's not because they don't like her.

It's timing. And it's pribably finances too.

Invited guests are not obliged to attend, even if she attended their wedding. It's not a tit for tat.

Invitations for a December wedding, and an October hen should have been made months ago, particularly with guests from abroad. How ever there's no point in hammering this home with her, it will probably make her feel foolish.

She will not look like a Billy no mates. People don't care about that. Guests will not comment about it. Nice, normal attendees at a wedding aren't gangs of bitches or bstards who will slag off the happy couple.

Once she has confirmed numbers with the non responses, she should try to put it out of her mind now and accept it for what it is.

The amount of guests at her wedding will not determine or affect in any way the amount of happiness in her marraige.

heroics

We had or wedding on a Friday in July. Sent plenty of Notice approx 3 months and any one abroad we invited even earlier. We still had a decline rate of nearly 30%. There were a number of reasons including people on holidays, no AL left/couldnt take day off etc. My wife was a bit upset about it but we just decided to forget about it and just enjoy the day.

I would agree with one of the comments above if you still have 30 people that have not RSVPd and its only 3 weeks away someone needs to chase these people up. Some people just assume that you know they are going. We designated some of the bridesmaids and groomsmen to do this within their groups of friends as it took some of the pressure off.

Esterhase

I have no doubt that a lot of declines are due to short notice (especially for the UK/US folk), annual leave problems, and people needing to save their cash for Christmas.

I have a Friday wedding coming up within the next few weeks and if I only received an invitation 3 weeks ago there's not a hope in hell I'd be going. I've had all my leave for the rest of the year planned since early September. Your sister definitely shouldn't worry that all the decliners just don't like the couple or don't want to go!

Chase up the people who haven't RSPVed yet so at least she'll have a concrete number to adjust her expectations to. Try getting her to focus on and make plans for the people who are going instead of brooding over those aren't. The guests won't be counting each other on the day, and the dreaded empty dancefloor isn't too likely to happen if they have a great band/DJ and the crowd is in high spirits.

stargazer 68

Have to agree with the above - if they haven't replied yet they need to be chased up. People will just assume that you know they will be going! The woman that did my sisters invites said that she had quite a few who didn't rsvp so she sent them a text to say sorry they couldnt make the day but looked forward to seeing them at another family function - she soon got replies!!

Tarzana2

December2012 wrote: »

Invited guests are not obliged to attend, even if she attended their wedding. It's not a tit for tat.

Well I don't believe I ever said that!

The wedding is in November and the hen was in September. Nobody bar one was coming from abroad for the hen and she was there.

Tarzana2

Andiewoo wrote: »

I think a very big surprise day out is on the cards with her sister.. You need to swoosh in now and help. The seating plan will be stressful for her so I suggest you be around to help!

It's a buffet style meal so no seating plan. Thank fook! Hate those.

cactusgal

My brother "only" had 70 at his wedding, but it was a perfect number. Big enough for a party, but small enough for them to talk to everyone there.

It was a lovely day. However, they got divorced just a few years later bc they really were not a good match, among other issues.

So - big picture!! I know it must be disappointing for her, and I'm sure she's annoyed with herself for being disorganized. But the marriage is a zillion times more important than the wedding

December2012

Tarzana2 wrote: »

Well I don't believe I ever said that!

I didn't claim you did. But lots of times some people feel that a friend or relative should attend their version of an event. Your sister may feel this way.