Favourite Father Ted Quotes??

Lau2976

Cowboys, Ted! A bunch of cowboys!

fleet_admiral

I hear you're a raya cist now father

branie2

They invented gayness!

Loafing Oaf

Maybe it only works when my head is in it.

Me & my brother always quote this when there's something broken at home.

gammygils

Right. Where will we go on holiday

How about Pearsons'?

Pearsons isn't actually a Guest house Dougal. Mr. Pearson doesn't like people staying there at all.
Remember the big row we had with him last year when we tried to stay a second week?

jezzer

what would you say to a nice cup of tea father? feck off cup!

jezzer

we sell all types of milk except of UHT because thats ****e

Loafing Oaf

jezzer wrote: »

we sell all types of milk except of UHT because thats ****e

Never really saw the joke in this. Is UHT generally held in low regard?

Anyway:
Jack: DRINK!
(Everyone nods emphatically)
Jack: DRINK!
(They nod again)
Jack: DRINK!
Group leader: That's it, Father, let it all out.
Jack: DRINK!
Ronald: So true, it's so true.

Green Giant

Ted: We'll have to get them out of here. I'll ring the pet shop.

Dougal: Actually no Ted. It was a travelling pet shop. They won't be back til next spring.

jezzer

rrrraaaaaattttts, hairy japanese bastards!

jimgoose

Loafing Oaf wrote: »

Never really saw the joke in this. Is UHT generally held in low regard?...

Yes, it is crap. It's popular in backward continental countries like Spain where refrigeration hasn't been invented yet and they'd be too tight to turn it on even if it was. Now, I've had my fun, and that's all that matters.

jezzer

UHT is a very last resort

Mr_Spaceman

"Sure, Ted, there was the money from that Lourdes thing..."

"Dougal, that money was just resting in my account, before I moved it on"

"A good long rest"

Rob Thomas

This thread could just run and run....

It's all nonsense isn't it Father...

Will I Amnt

This one always cracks me up and nobody ever remembers it.

Discussing an advent calendar.

Dougal: God, I can't wait to see what's under tomorrow's window. I bet it's a donkey or something.

Ted: Really? So, you've changed from your initial prediction of... what was it again? "Ruud Gullit sitting on a shed."

McChubbin

"I'll make the tea and you take off yer bra."

gammygils

Gay Eurovision guy "Father I'm really looking forward to your entry"

Ted " ........ Oh the song. Right. The song! "

e_e

"Amen."
".....Aemon."

Loafing Oaf

You know what I'd do with $400? I'd wipe my ass with $400.

Good God. And can that still be used as legal tender?

branie2

Not that there's anything wrong with that sort of thing!

Loafing Oaf

Then I was in Utah. Not a good Catholic market. Mormon country. Out there a guy can have five, ten wives. That's a lot of action.

Action, yeah...

Father Buzz is a very underrated character!:pac:

Hulk Hands

''It's like asking the Virgin Mary to stop appearing to school girls in Ballinspiddal"

Mongfinder General

Oh. I completely misread the situation. This is disgraceful behavior.

Loafing Oaf

But I liked the English Patient, very confusing and far-fetched and very, very boring ... it was my kind of film.

toastedpickles

"we upgraded a mushroom field in caaaavn to class three!"

"we need to start with the media! You can't open the paper nowadays without reading, some anti clerical article written by some bearded lefty!"
"yes!"
"a spell in the army would do them to world of good!"
"That would be an ecumenical matter!"


"ride me sideways was another one!"

Loafing Oaf

Loafing Oaf wrote: »

He gets his lad out.

Just heard a reporter on 5Live use the expression "He's thrown his lad on" in reference to a manager who sent his son on as a sub and it's conjured up a rather strange 'mental picture' in my mind thanks to years of Ted watching...

e_e

*looks around confused*
"But there's no toilet in here."

king size mars bar

It's my money I just didn't want to fill out the forms!

ToddyDoody

"Well I must say, I think you're a very rude man."

"Say that to me again and I'll put your head through the wall"

gammygils

"That used to be quite common. The favourite son would become a doctor


And the idiot brother would be sent off to join the Priesthood."


"You have a brother a doctor haven't you Ted"

Ah Yes

antodeco

Dougal: I'm no good at judging the size of crowds Ted, but I'd say there's about seventeen million of them out there.

Day Lewin

DOWN WITH THIS SORT OF THING! *Waves placard*

(I use this line all the time. I see uses for it everywhere)

Green Giant

Dougal: Ye don't have handcuffs, by any chance?
John: Actually, we do have a pair. Sgt Thornton left them here after he retired.
Dougal: Retired from what?
John: From the police.
Dougal: Really? Was Sgt Thornton a policeman?
John: Yes...Why do you think he wore the uniform?
Dougal: Oh I thought he was just having a laugh.

wexfordman2

Ted to dougal, if the bishop asks you a question you can't answer, just say "that would be an ecumenical matter "

I use that one at work all the time :-)

e_e

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJhbP4q32vs

Riddle101

Bishop: I saw that film recently, Apollo 13, and it reminded me of my own brush with death.
Fr Ted: You mean...... You had your heart attack in Space?

To become a Class 1 relic? Oh that would be big stuff, bringing people back from the dead, time travel, cloning dinosaurs, that type of stuff.

Dougal: Didn't Fr Jack have a trial with Liverpool?
Ted: No, he was on trial, in Liverpool.

wnolan1992

"How, how DARE you, bring SHAME on this... celebration of sheep!"

I love the little spitting noise he makes on the word celebration.

Loafing Oaf

Ted I don't want to go the Philippines, I can't even spell Philippines, well, I know it begins with an F...

Fr_Dougal

Those women were in the nip.

Schnook

Don't call me Len, you little prick

McChubbin

I have a tendency to say "Careful, now!" at least once a day!

Mr_Spaceman

Pat Mustard: "Hello. I'm looking for a Mrs Doyle?"

Mrs Doyle: "Ooooh, sure it's me!"

Pat Mustard: "Is that so? I thought it was Marilyn Monroe!"

Green Giant

Dougal: Ted, this table is so dirty, I can write my name on it.

Ted: Um, there's a G in Dougal

wnolan1992

"Ted, I want out. I went too far too soon! I didn't know that when you had a good idea you had to follow it up with loads of little good ideas. I'm going to sleep in the spare room!"

jezzer

i'll stick this up your arse, ah hello father

the_monkey

"We wouldn't be on any maps now would we, this is not exactly New York" !!

Mr_Spaceman

"I'm a very careful man, Father... a VERY CAREFUL MAN!"

Garzard

Ted: You're very near a snake there Kevin but you'll be ok so long as you don't roll a 1."

*Kevin rolls and the dice goes off the board*

Ted: "You're alright Kevin, it's a 6."

Dougal: "No it isn't Ted it's a 1."

Ted: "I don't think it is Dougal."

Dougal: "It is Ted it's a 1!! He's going to snake town WEEEEEEEEEEE."

[Kevin runs out of the room crying and straight upstairs and Ted follows]

Ted: "Ah come on Kevin!"

Dougal: [picks dice up off the floor) "Oh wait no it is a 6!"

markh123

"That would be an ecumenical matter"

Kerrydude1981

"its my money father.. i just didnt want to fill out the forms"