Favourite Father Ted Quotes??

Trebor176

Ted: Dougal, do you know if we have any incense?

Dougal: (after a pause) There was a spider in the bath last night.

The King of Moo

"priest"

"mass"

"religion"

buyer95

"If your a solicitor I'm Boy George" -Dougal to Fr Jacks solicitor

topmanamillion

Father Jack Hackett: They lie in wait like wolves, the smell of blood in their nostrils. Waiting, interminably waiting, and then...

Father Dougal McGuire: [nodding] He's right, you know, Ted.

IrishAlice

When talking about Fr Romeo Sensini

"Can walk up two flights of stairs unassisted, only needs one nun to help him out of a chair."

3qsmavrod5twfe

"I don't see what the big deal is Ted, bishops love sci-fi"

"And now the directors cut of Jurrasic Park, with extra dinosaurs"

Dougal administering the last rites to Jack
"Ominus Deus Patrius... Costacorta, Baggio..."

"The Possideon Adventure - Gene Hackman played a priest"

"Whats your favourite humming noise? Would it be mmm-mmmmm or would it be mmmm-mm? The first one there, now thats the sound of a fridge humming and the second one, now thats the sound of a man humming. You never hear a woman humming."

BBDBB

Im a happy camper

Roquentin

can anyone remember the quote about reservoir dogs. trying to find it but cant

Roquentin

Very little evidence. Blind faith, that's all we have to go on.There's not a shred of proof! Nothing! Aliens? Now, there's something that might just be possible.But everlasting life? Big demons sticking red-hot pokers up your arse for all eternity? I don't think so.

Roquentin

A great priest.
First priest to denounce The Beatles.
- Right.
- He could see what they were up to.
He loved children, of course.
He did, yes.
They were terrified of him, though.
He had that stick and he'd be waving it.
Maybe they thought he'd hit them.
I heard that when he was teaching he was a great believer in discipline.
(Muttering) Would you say he was a good teacher? Friend of mine, Father Jimmy Rannable, studied under him.
He told me once, no one, no one had such a huge effect on him as Father Jack.
Jimmy Rannable.
What happened to him? - Remember the Drumshanbo Massacre? - Yeah.
- That was him.

gammygils

Right Father Jack we're dropping Sister Imelda off now


If the milkman calls the money is under the statue of Our Lord being
embarrassed by the Romans

fryup

Roquentin wrote: »

Very little evidence. Blind faith, that's all we have to go on.There's not a shred of proof! Nothing! Aliens? Now, there's something that might just be possible.But everlasting life? Big demons sticking red-hot pokers up your arse for all eternity? I don't think so.

brilliant, that gets me everytime:D

Loafing Oaf

Ted: Hello father Jessup, helping bishop Brennan i see.
Father Jessup: No! Im up in space doing important work for NASA!

Father Jessup = :cool:

Mr_Spaceman

Loafing Oaf wrote: »

Ted: Hello father Jessup, helping bishop Brennan i see.
Father Jessup: No! Im up in space doing important work for NASA!

Father Jessup = :cool:

Ted: Did you come by the new road?

Father Jessup: Nooooo. We came via Southern Yemen!

zcorpian88

Father Ted: Whats Father Jack looking at?, Whats that you're watching Father Jack?
Father Jack: What?
Father Ted: Is that a film you're watching?
Father Jack: What?
Father Ted: Isn't that Kiefer Sutherland?
Father Jack: WHAT?
Father Ted: Is that Flatliners you're watching?
Father Jack: WHAT?
Father Hernandez: Is Father Jack a little hard of hearing?
Father Jack: WHAT?
Father Ted: Yes he gets a kind of waxy build up in his ears. Then we have to syringe them it's not very nice.
Father Dougal: It's great because we're never short of candles.
Father Jack: WHAT?
Father Hernandez (looks at disgusting ear wax candle on the table)
Father Ted: All that was in his head last week. And there's a few more over there. We've nearly enough for a papal funeral, he's a sort of one man candle factory. Aren't you Father Jack?
Father Jack: WHAT?
Father Ted: To be honest, he can hear well enough when he wants to. Watch this. Father Jack, would you like a glass of brandy?
Father Jack: Yes

Loafing Oaf

Mr_Spaceman wrote: »

Ted: Did you come by the new road?

Father Jessup: Nooooo. We came via Southern Yemen!

But here he is given a lesson in the art:

Bishop Brennan: Aha, the Kraken awakes! Did we disturb you, Father Hackett?
Father Jack: Arse biscuits!
Father Jessup: What? How dare you speak to his grace like that! Apologise immediately!
Father Jack: [in a sarcastic manner] I'm so, so, sorry.
Father Ted: [addressing Mrs Doyle] Now, that's sarcasm.

byrneg28

Father Ted:
The Poseidon Adventure! Gene Hackman plays a priest!

*movie ends*

Father Ted:
Well that was no help!

Other Priest:
And he didn't even say mass!






Dublin Lad Funfair Ladder Supervisor:
Keep your hands on the sides

Roquentin

"Well there he is Ted, Fr. Romeo Sensini, 17 caps with the Vatican over 75's, he looks after himself, drinks only very very fine wine, can climb 2 flights of stairs unassisted, needs only one nun to help him get out of a chair,....you haven't a chance!"

byrneg28

Ted: (drops the bottle in a plastic basket) No Father, it's Lent, remember, you said you'd give it up for a couple of days.
Jack: WHAT?
Ted: D'you not remember? You said you'd offer it up for Our Lord.
Jack: ARNOLD? WHO'S ARNOLD?


*bottle clanks*
Jack: DRINK!
Ted: No, father. It's just fizzy water.
Jack: JACOB'S CREEK CHARDONNAY 1991!

Ted: but of course there are no Maori here on Craggy Island.



The whole show is gold.

byrneg28

Capt'n Midnight

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJhbP4q32vs

Roquentin

Father Ted, on Crime and Punishment

Polly: Do you like Dostoevsky?

Ted smiles blankly. Polly smiles and holds up 'Crime and Punishment'.

Ted: Oh! Oh, him? Oh, yes, that's one of my favourites, all right. I must have read that book...ten times.
Polly: I see you're reading it again. There's a bookmark here on page seven.

Ted smiles and nods.

Polly: Did you feel his sense of commitment wane towards the end?
Ted: Well, yes.
Polly: When did you feel that begin to happen?
Ted: Towards the end.

Pause.

Ted: Around the time he stopped writing about crime and went on to the punishment bit. It began to drag a bit there for me.

Roquentin

ted and dougal playing charades

Ted: D'you fancy now a game of charades?
Dougal: Yes, I think so! Right so, you go first.
Ted: Right. I'll start. I'll give you an easy one.

(ted gestures as a shark)

Dougal: Fishing! Gone fishing. Boxing One-handed boxing.
Ted: It's a film.
Dougal: You're not supposed to tell me.
Ted: Ok.
Dougal: Film. One film. One word. Come on, Ted. You're making it a bit too easy for me. I'm not an idiot, you know. One-word film. Can't be too many of them. Salem's Lot. Tongue. Mouth! Teeth! Is there a film called Tongue? Tom Tongue. Er Tongue Fish. S-s-s-swim tongue. Er Fish! Attack of the giant killing fish. Tongue Fish. The Deep. Piranha. Jaws 2. Close, then. Ghostbusters 2! Superman 2! No. Batman Returns.
Ted: You had it, it was Jaws!
Dougal: No, I had Jaws 2. It's different. It's very different. It's a different shark.

buyer95

"Those women were in the nip!" -Dougal

gammygils

Mrs. Doyle: I'm off on my Lenten Pilgrimage now Fathers


Ted: Off to St. Patrick's Hill


Dougal: What's that Ted?


Ted:Oh.It's a big mountain. You have to take your socks off when you go up it. And once you get to the top there they chase you all the way back down with a big plank. It's great fun!

Loafing Oaf

Father Jim Sutton: Why is it always the good ones? You BASTARD! (shakes fist to Heaven) He could've been Pope! No no no, he's dead Ted awww we'll never see him again!
Father Ted: We'll see him in the next world.
Father Jim Sutton: Oh yeah, sure!!

And Linehan & Matthews say Ted is not subversive of religion...;)

Loafing Oaf

TED: Dougal, you know you can praise God with sleep?
DOUGAL: Can you, Ted?
TED: Yes. It's a way of thanking him for a tiring day.
DOUGAL: God, there's lots of ways you can praise God, isn't there, Ted? Like that time you told me to praise him by, you know, just leaving the room.
TED: That was a good one, yes.

foxy farmer

Father Ted gets a side view of the car borrowed for the raffle that Fr jack took and was rear ended by the truck.
"Oooohh boohhhhllox."

Trebor176

Ted: Father Jack, where did you get the air freshener?

Jack: CAR!

Ted: Oh, God. . .

Jack: Drived the car!

Ted: Not the new car! Tell me the truth, Father, have you been drinking?

Jack: (Looks at the empty bottle he's holding) YES!

Ted: Tell me from the beginning. Where did you drive?

Jack: Shops! Drink! Corner! Shops! Got out! TRUCK!

Ted: A truck?

Jack: (Smashing two empty beer cans together) TWO TRUCKS!!!

fryup

NAN!!

no father its.. nun

NUN!!! aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

valoren

Loafing Oaf wrote: »

TED: Dougal, you know you can praise God with sleep?
DOUGAL: Can you, Ted?
TED: Yes. It's a way of thanking him for a tiring day.
DOUGAL: God, there's lots of ways you can praise God, isn't there, Ted? Like that time you told me to praise him by, you know, just leaving the room.
TED: That was a good one, yes.

...but the feckin' Jesuits have it all tied up!

Love that.

Dr.MickKiller

Dougal: What's going on?
Priest: I think Ted has a plan
Dougal: No. I mean in general.

silverfeather

Dr.MickKiller wrote: »

Dougal: What's going on?
Priest: I think Ted has a plan
Dougal: No. I mean in general.

I love Dougal!

Roquentin

Oh, God, Ted! There's a dent in the car! What?! - Where's the dent? - Just there, Ted.
God, how did that happen? When you hit that fella on the bike.
Don't mention that to anyone.
Anyway, I saw him get up.
It's not too bad.
I can straighten it out with a hammer.
Have a look in that box.
Oops, I didn't mean to do that.
I'll just tap it the other way.
It's no use.
You'll never get it absolutely right.
(Sighing) I thought I had it there a while ago, you know.
She was looking all right.
But like an eejit I kept banging away.
You're a perfectionist, Ted, you know? It's not too bad.
Let's have another look.
(Ted) Nono, we can't give that away as a prize.

Loafing Oaf

Dougal: Anyway, he's up there in St Clabbert's now,
It's weird the way you get used to something. . .
Seems like only yesterday he was here drinking his head off!
Ted: Dougal, it was yesterday. .
Dougal: Yeah, but that's why I said it SEEMED like yesterday!
Ted: Right, because it WAS yesterday!

iioklo

Tom goes into Post Office with shotgun, fires a shot and comes running out. and says to Fr.Ted It's my money father, I just didn't want to fill out the form's


or

Miss Doyle to Father Ted: Get your Bollix out of my face

Loafing Oaf

Ted - Dougal Is there anything on your mind? Let me rephrase that.
Is there anything you want to tell me about? Something bothering you?

Dougal - Like what, Ted?

Ted - Have you done anything you might be embarrassed about? Have you done anything bad recently? Anything wrong? Wrong? You remember right and wrong, the difference between the two. Page one of How To Be A Catholic.
Honestly, Dougal! This is very basic stuff.

begrandx

The Chinese...a great bunch of lads )

Roquentin

kicks in door

"cowboys ted, they're a bunch of cowboys"

jezzer

WOMANS KNICKERS

Loafing Oaf

Dougal: I am nearly 26 you know, you still treat me like I was 24

jezzer

BIG BRAS

Loafing Oaf

Oh, God, Ted. I'm so happy. The sun's out and we're in an opticians. It doesn't get any better than this.

jezzer

I REALLY SHOULDN'T BE HERE

branie2

Shoddy, shoddy, shoddy workmanship!

gammygils

Mrs.Doyle :Father.There's a woman here to see you
Ted: When you say a woman Mrs.Doyle
I think you mean a nun
Mrs.Doyle: Oh! It's a woman alright... with a skirt!

Dougal: I'll be off so!

Loafing Oaf

Ted - Dougal, something else that's wrong is stealing. What I'm trying to say is, it's wrong to steal. Stealing is something you don't do.
Dougal - Except you.
Ted - Yes What?
Dougal - You're allowed to steal.
Ted - What're you talking about?
Dougal - The money from that Lourdes thing.
Ted - Different thing altogether, Dougal. That money was just resting in my account before I moved it on.
Dougal- It was resting for a long time.
Ted - Yes, but -
Dougal - A good, long rest.
Ted - We're not talking about me! We're talking about YOU.

jezzer

arse biscuits

Green Giant

Dougal describing the beast: "They say it's as big as four cats and it's got a retractable leg so as it can leap up at you better. And it lights up at night, Ted, and it's got four ears. Two are regular ears for listening and two are kind of back-up ears, and for some reason it's got a tremendous fear of stamps! Mrs Doyle says it's got magnets on its tail so if you're made of metal it can attach itself to you, and instead of a mouth it's got four arses."

Duffy the Vampire Slayer

At that point I was drinking a pint a vodka a day.