Favourite Father Ted Quotes??

Dr.MickKiller

Father Frost: Right, I believe there's a Mr Benson here who had a whistle stolen
Mr Benson: That's right, that's me!
Father Frost: Well I have the culprit here
Father Lennon: Yeah yeah I stole it, it's only a bleedin' whistle!
Father Frost: I saw this eejit with a whistle on Tuesday, then I heard Mr Bensons had been stolen, I asked this eejit where he got it and he tried to put the blame on Father Maguire, sorry about that Father
Dougal: Well it was my fault for stealing it
Father Frost: But you didn't steal it Father
Dougal: Oh right

fleet_admiral

Ted says you were touching him

Cowboys Ted! They're a bunch of cowboys!

Loafing Oaf

Mrs Doyle: I met a couple there last year, it did them the world of good.
They were a bit obsessed with the old s-e-x. God, I'm glad I never think of that type of thing, that whole sexual world. God, when you think of it, it's a dirty, filthy thing, isn't it? Can you imagine, Father? Looking up at your husband and him standing over you with his lead in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself. God Almighty, can you imagine that, Father? Can you picture it, Father? Get a good mental picture. Can you see him there, ready to do the business?
(Doorbell)
Ted: DOORBELL! Doorbell, Mrs Doyle, the doorbell.

coolhull

Don't call me Len, ya little bollix!

AndyBoBandy

Probably one of the finest lines in comedy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cy4-snbDcIM

coolhull

'Ride me sideways, that was another one'

fleet_admiral

Howz the son?

Loafing Oaf

Noel Furlong: So, it was me, Father Collis and Father Duggan, and you'd think that someone like Chris Evans wouldn't want to hang around with us.
And you'd be right! He didn't want to hang around with us at all!

foggy_lad

Mrs Doyle: Go - on - my - Son!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhaZFqEgFaE

buyer95

Oft forgotten, underrated classic moment.

"You were wearing your blue jumper!"

coolhull

''Football- A whole load of men following a ball around. Sure who'd be bothered with that?''

Loafing Oaf

Polly Clarke: My husband. Now there was a man who really was afraid of Virginia Woolf.
Ted: Why? Was she... following him or something?

Gorteen

Nuns are people too

coolhull

Nuns!..... Reverse! Reverse!

gammygils

When Dick lost the Darts Tournament he had to say "B@llocks" really loud in front of President Mary Robinson

cashback

Possibly already mentioned.

The cover of Mrs Doyle's home style magazine:

'Brick Enlivens Dull Floor'

SMC92Ian

I prefer the more conventional greyhounds perusing rabbits approach.


I'm sorry, the bar is closed.


Ted says you were touching him.

dubscottie

Father Purcell: We run the gas off the electricity and the
electricity off the gas and we save two hundred pounds a year, but then a
few weeks later ah god, I'll never forget it now, we got a new
boiler..."

Father Ted: Are you alright there Fathers?

Father Jack: Help me!!

gammygils

Ted. Remember the time his head went septic?

Jake The Fat Ma

Hairy Japanese bastards

Chevolution

We're all going to heaven lads, waheey

Green Giant

"How did the Sergeant catch Jack in the end?"

"Well Dougal, he's an elderly priest driving a Flymo at two miles an hour around a small island. How hard can it be?"

SMC92Ian

Dougal - "Didn't you say Jack had a trial at Liverpool?"

Ted - "No Dougal, he was ON trail IN Liverpool."

Ted_YNWA

Looks like rain Ted.

Loafing Oaf

Current Guardian podcast features an interview with a guy who "has quietly amassed the world's largest collection of Nazi memorabilia."
http://www.theguardian.com/news/audio/2015/jul/06/man-who-sleeps-in-hitlers-bed-audio-long-read-podcast

Wonder will it include this exchange:

Father Fitzpatrick: Taken from the German advance on Russia.
You can see where the hammer hits the shell casing.
Ted: Gosh, that's interesting.
Father F: Uh, these are helmets, mostly infantry.
Ted: Yes, these would be German as well?
Father F: That's right.
Ted: Nothing from the Allied side?
Father F: No, that sort of thing wouldn't interest me at all.

Ted: Right. That's my curiosity satisfied.
Father F: And this is the last photograph taken of Herr Hitler.
He's signing a few death warrants.
Ted: Funny, how you get more right wing as you get older.