19 year aggressive and smokes weed

tillie28

I have a 19 year old who lately has become aggressive and is prone to bouts of rage eg punched a hole in his bedroom door.
He is in denial that there is any problems.
He living at home, Smoke weed all day long, stays in bed all day long and plays computer games all night long.
I have two young kids along with my 19 year old son.
His father lives elsewhere, gives him drink and never tells him off for his and is of no real assistance.
Counselling might work but he will not consider it as he is in denial of his aggression.
Has anyone suggestions of what i am to do about this?

Lola92

tillie28 wrote: »

I have a 19 year old who lately has become aggressive and is prone to bouts of rage eg punched a hole in his bedroom door.
He is in denial that there is any problems.
He living at home, Smoke weed all day long, stays in bed all day long and plays computer games all night long.
I have two young kids along with my 19 year old son.
His father lives elsewhere, gives him drink and never tells him off for his and is of no real assistance.
Counselling might work but he will not consider it as he is in denial of his aggression.
Has anyone suggestions of what i am to do about this?

Where is he getting the money for weed and computer games?

At 19 in our house the options were 1) go to college, 2) get a job and start contributing or 3) move out. I would suggest taking a similar line. Wifi and gaming are privileges that should be earned. He may legally be an adult but he should still be pulling his weight and helping out with household duties, cooking and maintenance at the very least I'd he is unemployed, not lazing around all day every day at your expense. You are obviously aware that this is setting a bad example to your younger children. I would hazard a guess that you didn't get into this situation with your son overnight and so it is going to take a while to fix, he seems the type that will be resistant to change given the wall punching etc.

I would sit down with your partner and have a discussion on what boundaries you want to set and then layout for your son.

Penny Tration

Time to set some strict rules, and stick to them -

no weed in the house (you cannot control him smoking it outside).
no aggression.
no physically abusive behaviour, including towards walls. It will terrify your younger kids.
start contributing. If he can afford weed, he can afford housekeeping.
allocate chores to him.

There needs to be consequences if he fails to obey these rules. Does he connect to the internet to game with his friends? Turn off the wifi or change the password if he fails to adhere to the rules.

if he continues to fail to stick to the rules, kick him out. He's an adult, so don't mammy him anymore.

SparkySpitfire

Rules and all are well and good but they only deal with his actions. I'd be more concerned about what's going on in his head to make him act that way.

Make him go see a counsellor or get the hell out of your house.

J Mysterio

Well here's whats normal:

1. Late nights
2. Experimenting with weed
3. Computer games.

Obviously the punching the wall is not normal but that can be ok if its a totally isolated incident - everyone can get upset and angry sometimes. Dont put too much focus on that and try and over psychoanalyze - this.will.make things worse for you and.him and make.him feel cornered.

Hes at an age where he has a variety of pressures on him. leaving cert/ college/ friends/ girlfriends/ you and your husbands situation? Siblings too.

Tell him you dont want him smoking weed, explain why and leave it at that.

Ask him can you give any advice? Ask him about school, friends and girlfriends. Talk to him about his father.

The kid may feel he has no space and has too much attention on him so you need to balance your parenting of him.with allowing him time.to blow.of steam.

dont forget he's your eldest so you are not used.to kids at this age, on the way to adulthood.

braddun

its funny how weed makes people aggressive


you need to find him a drug treatment


you might have to kick him out of the house

Toots

I feel sorry for you OP, it can't be easy living with that. OK, regarding the weed, it's not unusual for teens his age to dabble in the old whacky tobaccy, I smoked it a fair bit in my teens and early 20s (at house parties, etc). Several of my friends were massive stoners, however they never acted out the way your son is - they went to work/college and would do their bit round the house etc. I reckon a fair few of their parents had an idea or suspicion that they were smoking, but seeing as it didn't seem to be a problem, a blind eye was turned. No matter how big a stoner they were though, none of my friends EVER smoked in the house. When you say he smokes weed all the time, do you mean that he's up in his room puffing away on a spliff while you and your kids are in the house???

I wouldn't be surprised if the pot was playing a part in his aggression also. I know people say it's supposed to mellow you out, however I've seen it go the other way too. At the end of the day it's a mood altering substance and if he's smoking it all day, then he's a chronic user and that's definitely enough to cause serious side effects. If the weed's not causing the rage issues, it's definitely a major contributing factor. Was he like this before he started using? Also do you mind me asking where he gets the money for it?

When I was in my early 20s, my best friends younger brother (he was the same age as your son) was in a similar situation - very heavy weed use, bumming around the house, generally being a b*llox. His mum came down on him like a tonne of bricks, flushed his weed, cut off his money, and told him that if she caught him smoking again she'd kick him out of the house. She said she'd let him stay on the condition that he got a job - either paid or voluntary - and also she brought him to the GP for weekly urine tests to make sure he wasn't smoking on the sly.

Now I'm not suggesting you be quite so heavy handed, what I'd suggest you do is something like this:

Explain that you're not happy with him smoking it, and hope that he's intelligent enough to realise the downsides to it and will have enough cop on to stop. Honestly I don't think there's much point in running through the risks with him, because it'll go in one ear and out the other - 19 year olds are invincible.

No more smoking in the house/garden - you and your other children will not be exposed to drugs. If he wants to smoke he'll have to go away from the house altogether.

The temper flare ups have to stop - tell him that you and your other children will not live in fear in your own house and that the next time he behaves like that you'll have to call the guards.

He gets up at a 'reasonable' time (say 11am to start off with) and helps out with chores around the house - he's living there rent free and not paying bills so that's the least he can do.

Tell him that if he doesn't follow these rules, he'll have to move out. He'll probably think 'so what' initially, but there's only so long that he'll be able to couch-surf around his friends' houses before he realises what he's missing back home.

J Mysterio

I think the whole 'move out ultimatum' is always a bad move and increases tensions. That should really be a last resort move.

I know a lad who's mother kicked him out for weed and he moved badly downhill afterwards as he, having nowhere to go and suffering from depression, basically ended up in homeless shelters and the like and got into far worse. He was smoking too much weed as a coping mechanism as his dad died of cancer. These kids need support, not to be backed into a corner.

I agree with the previous posters first paragraph - unfortunately the whole of Ireland is exposed to weed through their teens and it is unbelievably common. Most kids handle it fine, experiment and move on. I imagine this kid may be using it to cope.

Maybe he is depressed? That would explain late nights as insomnia os a side effect of it. Smoking weed can numb the mind a bit and that may be for.pyschological pain. Playing games can focus the mind on something other than what bothers people.

Try and talk to your kid and be understanding.

He can't smoke weed in the house or that though. At the very least he should try and be secretive about it. He probably thinks theres no dangers associated with it because of all the pro weed propoganda but it can definitely tilt you negatively if you are not happy.

Sclosages

Time to change the locks with him on the outside. He'll learn.

SusieBlue

Sclosages wrote: »

Time to change the locks with him on the outside. He'll learn.

And this will solve nothing.

OP, I agree with PP that while smoking weed is unacceptable it wouldn't be considered abnormal for teens to dabble with it. I'm in my early 20's and it certainly wasn't and isn't uncommon for joints to be passed around at house parties. Completely agree with PP who said that even the hardcore stoners I knew never smoked at home and lead normal working/college lives despite their weekend habit.

The amount he's smoking suggests deeper issues to me, he seems very frustrated, especially considering weed is mellowing and wouldn't make someone aggressive, so if he's being aggressive, its very worrying. I've never heard of anyone smashing walls after smoking it.

I'd suggest maybe speaking to him to make sure he isn't unhappy about anything and maybe your GP too. Smoking it in the house is completely unacceptable but your son sounds very unhappy and rather than coming down on him like a tonne of bricks, he needs your help and support more than ever right now.

I'd suggest making a timetable for him to give him some structure to his day so he isn't at loose ends, for example, between the hours of 11am and 3pm you want him to do the hoovering, the washing and the dishwasher and if it isn't done by 3pm no money that week. Ease him back into a normal routine. What about applying for a fas course?

Good luck, hope you can sort something out for him.

bjork

has he no interests/desires to work/study something?
you need to explore his options and try to motivate him to set personal goals and targets and taking steps towards achieving them. Staying in bed, computer games & weed are only an side effect of what's really going on in his head and you are enabling him to continue with this lifestyle.


If this doesn't work He's 19, time to get his own place

J Mysterio

bjork wrote: »

has he no interests/desires to work/study something?
you need to explore his options and try to motivate him to set personal goals and targets and taking steps towards achieving them. Staying in bed, computer games & weed are only an side effect of what's really going on in his head

Agree with this much anyway.

Tombo2001

Am seeing some good advice here, but some of it is dubious.

Of course we all know people who 'dabbled in weed'. So what, that's not what OP is talking about. OP is talking about a teenager, which is basically a child in a mans body as far as emotional maturity goes, who smokes weed all day and punches the wall.

This notion that he needs discipline and that you should sit down with him, set out goals, make a few threats and he will see the light .....Lets just say I can certainly see scenarios where that would not work out well.

OP, really I think you need to get professional informed advice on this from a proper drug counsellor and a proper psychiatrist. I am suggesting you go yourself to these people, before you send your son anywhere near them. You need to set money aside for this. And then set out a plan, that you make together with these people. You need to talk to people who have been in this position before, or who have seen it before.

mountsky

Apologies regarding my post

Moonbeam

Unhelpful posting and advocating violence are both unacceptable here .

EganTheMan

OP - I have been through similar experience.

I would be more inclined to look to the video games as the source of his frustration.

Lukker-

EganTheMan wrote: »

OP - I have been through similar experience.

I would be more inclined to look to the video games as the source of his frustration.

Yep, I've seen this alot. It'd be easy to overlook and you'd think that he might have general anger issues but I've witnessed first hand level headed friends who take badly to losing at Fifa and have ended up smashing controllers, smacking desks etc.

Has the rage ever been directed at you or have you witnessed? Or is it that you just hear banging when he's in his room.

On weed, obviously ban him from smoking in the house. I'd try and reason with him and ask him to treat it like alcohol. It's not the end of the world to have it now and again with friends at the weekends, but if he's in his room all day smoking than it's no different than drinking alone all day and will lead to problems.

EganTheMan

My "kid" is now 26. He put holes in wardrobes, doors etc. when playing those games.

He was going through the controllers at the rate of knots and broke tellies etc. etc.

Whilst it would be better if he didn't smoke the stuff and different sectors seem to have different opinions about it - I would definitely suspect the games first!

Best of luck with it OP