What would you give up

mariaalice · 13-11-2014 10:49am #1

What life style would accept in order to have one parent full time at home with your children, so your children could have the sort of lifestyle where they are collected by their mother from school, spent time in their own home during the day, have a hot meal when they come in from secondary school, have one parent who is not rushed and harassed all the time, who has time to do their homework with them and check for nits before 9 o clock at night and so on.

That's if that sort of issue is important to you.

IvyTheTerrible · 13-11-2014 10:52am

Thinly veiled "If both of you go out to work, you are **** parents" thread.

Duggy747 · 13-11-2014 10:54am

Get animals, much more pleasurable to be around and people don't ring the authorities if you keep some of them in cages.

Bloody squealing neighbours......

anncoates · 13-11-2014 10:56am

mariaalice wrote: »

What would you give up.

You.

Joke. Never gonna.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1 · 13-11-2014 10:57am

A partner earning 100k+.:)

Keep in mind that many parents want to work. Once past 4 years of age the kids were at school all day and neither my wife nor myself, at that stage of our lives, wanted to be at home all day. Our family life, with us both working, was still fantastic. Our children grew up happy and fulfilled, did well in life and missed out on nothing. Both parents working doesn't mean losing out on much or on unnecessary stress either. Yes the kids didn't walk in the door to a meal on the table but we always ate as a family, so the meal would wait until the "worker" was home anyway. We always did homework and more with them. It's not a matter of one lifestyle or the other.

Zombienosh · 13-11-2014 10:58am

I could follow my dream of going to clown college. This family has stood in my way long enough.

mariaalice · 13-11-2014 10:59am

IvyTheTerrible wrote: »

Thinly veiled "If both of you go out to work, you are **** parents" thread.

Not all I worked when my children were small, I have experienced every situation form stay at home to part time to full time work with my children.

That sort of life style is important to some people for their children I don't nesserley think so but I am going to be honest and say I would not be a fan of a child spending 10/11 a day in child care. I think part time working if you can when they are small is best I know not every one has that choice.

whiskeyman · 13-11-2014 11:03am

Zombienosh wrote: »

I could follow my dream of going to clown college. This family has stood in my way long enough.

I always said I was going to be a comedian growing up.
Whenever I told anyone, people just laughed.

Valetta · 13-11-2014 11:03am

mariaalice wrote: »

What life style would accept in order to have one parent full time at home with your children, so your children could have the sort of lifestyle where they are collected by their mother from school, spent time in their own home during the day, have a hot meal when they come in from secondary school, have one parent who is not rushed and harassed all the time, who has time to do their homework with them and check for nits before 9 o clock at night and so on.

That's if that sort of issue is important to you.

I'm telling Joe on you.

anncoates · 13-11-2014 11:04am

Tiny bit off topic but some of the criticism of crèches is a bit hysterical.

We were lucky enough that our kids only went twice a week but they loved it. They still have pals from there and stuff like montessori helped them prepare for school.

Some of these people claiming they'd personally devote 8 hours a day at home on activities and games are often engaging in parenting forum/Benetton advert fantasy.

Kids are one part of a family and whatever works best for the whole family is the important thing.

OldNotWIse · 13-11-2014 11:05am

mariaalice wrote: »

What life style would accept in order to have one parent full time at home with your children, so your children could have the sort of lifestyle where they are collected by their mother from school, spent time in their own home during the day, have a hot meal when they come in from secondary school, have one parent who is not rushed and harassed all the time, who has time to do their homework with them and check for nits before 9 o clock at night and so on.

That's if that sort of issue is important to you.

We had this, yet one parent wasn't on a massive salary. I don't know how they did it. I think a lot of our parent's generation did it. It's so much harder for parents these days. Cost of chilcare, crippled with tax etc. What's changed?

smcgiff · 13-11-2014 11:06am

I'd accept being married to a Primary School teacher.

Gawd, I'm a saint really.

13-11-2014 11:07am

IvyTheTerrible wrote: »

Thinly veiled "If both of you go out to work, you are **** parents" thread.

Ain't that the truth...

cletus van damme · 13-11-2014 11:09am

IvyTheTerrible wrote: »

Thinly veiled "If both of you go out to work, you are **** parents" thread.

actually i've been both - eldest in childcare till he was 8 .
Having one parent at home trumps childcare anyday.

I don't judge anybody as circumstances are different.

But hands down - happier family and much more time in the evening for everybody to relax rather than do housework , homework (the pain of doing homework at 7.30pm with a 6 year old...**** me!!)

mariaalice · 13-11-2014 11:16am

It was easier to be at home in some ways but we had no money, practically lived on fresh air so in some ways life was better( not easier ) when I was working. I found drooping and collecting before and after work very stressful and make the day very long and we both found trying to supervise homework very hard after a working day. A friend of mine has hers in afterschool and they do their homework with them so I suppose thats better.

--LOS-- · 13-11-2014 11:26am

not having kids is also an option

SEPT 23 1989 · 13-11-2014 11:29am

My missus does not work but we put our child into creche for a few hours a day to bring on his development and has thrived but 50+ hours a week is a bit much

One eyed Jack · 13-11-2014 11:31am

--LOS-- wrote: »

not having kids is also an option

I was just thinking that -

Wouldn't these be the sort of decisions people would make before they have children, rather than deciding what they have to give up after they have children?

smcgiff · 13-11-2014 11:31am

--LOS-- wrote: »

not having kids is also an option

Target for Re-Education has been identified.

Good job people, mission accomplished.

IvyTheTerrible · 13-11-2014 11:33am

cletus van damme wrote: »

actually i've been both - eldest in childcare till he was 8 .
Having one parent at home trumps childcare anyday.

I don't judge anybody as circumstances are different.

But hands down - happier family and much more time in the evening for everybody to relax rather than do housework , homework (the pain of doing homework at 7.30pm with a 6 year old...**** me!!)

It trumps childcare for YOUR family. Not all families are the same.

I know that my son has come on leaps and bounds since going to the crèche, he loves it.

mariaalice · 13-11-2014 11:41am

IvyTheTerrible wrote: »

It trumps childcare for YOUR family. Not all families are the same.

I know that my son has come on leaps and bounds since going to the crèche, he loves it.

I never said childcare is bad for children, my point is that it can be a very stressful lifestyle and clearly having one parent at home at home can make it a less stressful existence.

smcgiff · 13-11-2014 12:14pm

mariaalice wrote: »

less stressful existence.

Less stressful than a potentially unfulfilled parent*, or a family badly struggling financially?

Why stop with one parent at home - Ideally both parents would be wealthy enough to spend their time with their families.

* not saying a parent being a fulltime stay at home mother/father cannot be fulfilled, just that one size does not fit all.

cletus van damme · 13-11-2014 12:18pm

IvyTheTerrible wrote: »

It trumps childcare for YOUR family. Not all families are the same.

I know that my son has come on leaps and bounds since going to the crèche, he loves it.

stop getting upset.

Nobody is habving a go.

Btw you are right - creche can be good for the kids my eldest liked it - we have one at playschool now and he loves it - but not 10-12 hours a day getting up at 6.30 - 7am like what happens with some.

once they start going to school - being stuck in childcare has less benefits.

For example instead of doing homework at 7.30pm my eldest goes to football training. Before leaving childcare this wasnt an option.
Homework in childcare is of ****e quality to be frank.

For us as couple -
When I get in the weekly shopping is done, dinner ready , homework done.
All i need to do is read my post and eat my dinner leaving time for us to live our lives.

But fire away - live your life as you want.

anncoates · 13-11-2014 12:18pm

mariaalice wrote: »

I never said childcare is bad for children, my point is that it can be a very stressful lifestyle and clearly having one parent at home at home can make it a less stressful existence.

They'd be a lot more stressed living on the street I'd say.

Shenshen · 13-11-2014 12:23pm

Tbh, I think having one parent at home is rather overrated.

I grew up like that and looking back I wish my mother had actually gone and worked.
It's hard to say in hindsight, but I feel it might have balanced her a little better, given her a bit more confidence. And I prefered being at school and in the kindergarden anyway, I didn't like being at home, it was boring.

osarusan · 13-11-2014 12:35pm

At the moment, I don't have to give anything up.

OldNotWIse · 13-11-2014 12:35pm

Shenshen wrote: »

Tbh, I think having one parent at home is rather overrated.

I grew up like that and looking back I wish my mother had actually gone and worked.
It's hard to say in hindsight, but I feel it might have balanced her a little better, given her a bit more confidence. And I prefered being at school and in the kindergarden anyway, I didn't like being at home, it was boring.

This is a good point. I had my mother at home growing up and I feel that it did benefit me overall and my brother too but I sometimes feel angry at her for not working because now my Dad is crippled from working (he worked in a very physically demanding job for more than 50 years) and it is showing on him now. Plus they are not without money worries. I mean, we never had those growing up (or they hid them well from us) but now we've had to take over the mortgage (I dont mind as I can afford it) but tbh I do it more for my dad than for her. I feel angry when she has a go at him over money and I have to bite my tongue to stop from saying "well why didn't you work?". Plenty of my friend's mothers went back to work when their kids started school and now they have their mortgages paid and can retire in relative comfort.

So I think what I am trying to say is, I benefitted from her staying at home but my father certainly didn't, and I doubt she did either as she has very little confidence or independence.

MRnotlob606 · 13-11-2014 12:36pm

Would give up getting takeaway.

lukesmom · 13-11-2014 12:37pm

I don't have a fancy car, it's a 00 small car that gets from A-B. I stay at home to rear my 3 children and my husband works hard. My children get what they need, a roof over their heads etc and mammy here 24/7 for them.

mariaalice · 13-11-2014 12:45pm

There is no one size fits all different things suit different people, however if you are in situation(A) as regards family life but would prefer to be in situation (B) what steps would you take to get there has anyone completely changed lifestyle because of the family life they want to have.

anncoates · 13-11-2014 12:50pm

lukesmom wrote: »

I don't have a fancy car, it's a 00 small car that gets from A-B. I stay at home to rear my 3 children and my husband works hard. My children get what they need, a roof over their heads etc and mammy here 24/7 for them.

Didn't you mention before you own your house outright ?

Shenshen · 13-11-2014 12:50pm

mariaalice wrote: »

There is no one size fits all different things suit different people, however if you are in situation(A) as regards family life but would prefer to be in situation (B) what steps would you take to get there has anyone completely changed lifestyle because of the family life they want to have.

If we should ever have children (not likely, but who knows) I would rather expect my husband to stay athome and look after them. I'm rubbish with children, and I really, really, really would hate being a stay-at-home mum.

The Strawman Argument · 13-11-2014 12:55pm

Farming or any kind of low-prospects struggling self-employment

...and that's not so much for having a parent at home as it is for having a career that can devour absolutely every free second of both your time and the kids.

lukesmom · 13-11-2014 1:03pm

anncoates wrote: »

Didn't you mention before you own your house outright ?

Yes I did good memory you have. Worked hard to own it outright!

bought at exactly the right time the summer before last.

IvyTheTerrible · 13-11-2014 1:05pm

cletus van damme wrote: »

stop getting upset.

Nobody is habving a go.

Btw you are right - creche can be good for the kids my eldest liked it - we have one at playschool now and he loves it - but not 10-12 hours a day getting up at 6.30 - 7am like what happens with some.

once they start going to school - being stuck in childcare has less benefits.

For example instead of doing homework at 7.30pm my eldest goes to football training. Before leaving childcare this wasnt an option.
Homework in childcare is of ****e quality to be frank.

For us as couple -
When I get in the weekly shopping is done, dinner ready , homework done.
All i need to do is read my post and eat my dinner leaving time for us to live our lives.

But fire away - live your life as you want.

I'm not getting upset, I was just saying that every family is different, and it's not right to judge parents for the choices they make.

Grayson · 13-11-2014 1:10pm

anncoates wrote: »

Tiny bit off topic but some of the criticism of crèches is a bit hysterical.

We were lucky enough that our kids only went twice a week but they loved it. They still have pals from there and stuff like montessori helped them prepare for school.

Some of these people claiming they'd personally devote 8 hours a day at home on activities and games are often engaging in parenting forum/Benetton advert fantasy.

Kids are one part of a family and whatever works best for the whole family is the important thing.

My parents placed me in a crèche. I loved it. Well, i cried the first day. But i also cried the first day of school. I think I was a bit of a crybaby.
Besides that it was great. And it's not like it meant i didn't spend time with my family.
My parents still spent enough time with me that they taught me to read, write and do basic sums long before I went to school.

Grayson · 13-11-2014 1:13pm

smcgiff wrote: »

Less stressful than a potentially unfulfilled parent*, or a family badly struggling financially?

Why stop with one parent at home - Ideally both parents would be wealthy enough to spend their time with their families.

* not saying a parent being a fulltime stay at home mother/father cannot be fulfilled, just that one size does not fit all.

That's the thing. Most of these threads tend to focus on mothers. If one parent stays at home it's nearly always the mother. It's an option that fathers rarely get.
I work for a huge multinational and I think fathers get something like 4 days off.

cletus van damme · 13-11-2014 1:15pm

IvyTheTerrible wrote: »

I'm not getting upset, I was just saying that every family is different, and it's not right to judge parents for the choices they make.

but my post said explicitly that I didn't judge as all circumstances are different.
oh well.

only a clown would state that their understanding of something as complex as this is an absolute.

cloud493 · 13-11-2014 1:17pm

Sure its probably worse having your kid stay at home than at the creche. I never went to any creche and look at me.

anncoates · 13-11-2014 1:20pm

lukesmom wrote: »

Yes I did good memory you have. Worked hard to own it outright!

Honestly, fair play to you.

I think, though, a lot of people would be happy to live on one income if they had no mortgage or rent to pay.

mariaalice · 13-11-2014 1:30pm

anncoates wrote: »

Honestly, fair play to you.

I think, though, a lot of people would be happy to live on one income if they had no mortgage or rent to pay.

Why? you have to explain if you think a couple with children would, in a lot of circumstances would like to be able to live on one income.. there must be a reason why you think like that would it have anything to do with children just wondering.

anncoates · 13-11-2014 1:44pm

mariaalice wrote: »

Why? you have to explain if you think a couple with children would, in a lot of circumstances would like to be able to live on one income.. there must be a reason why you think like that would it have anything to do with children just wondering.

I assume a lot of people that both work might prefer to, judging by what I read here and elsewhere.

Personally, we both like to work outside the home (albeit one of us part-time) and don't think the kids suffer(ed) as a result. The only annoying thing really is juggling the times and logistics.

By the way, why don't you just come out and say you don't agree with two parents working instead of implying it the whole time here and soft soaping when directly asked?

daveyeh · 13-11-2014 2:33pm

IvyTheTerrible wrote: »

Thinly veiled "If both of you go out to work, you are **** parents" thread.

Thinly veiled "I suspect I'm a **** parent" post

smcgiff · 13-11-2014 3:08pm

daveyeh wrote: »

Thinly veiled "I suspect I'm a **** parent" post

Backs away from the PC ... not sure I'm back far enough though.

mariaalice · 13-11-2014 3:54pm

anncoates wrote: »

I assume a lot of people that both work might prefer to, judging by what I read here and elsewhere.

Personally, we both like to work outside the home (albeit one of us part-time) and don't think the kids suffer(ed) as a result. The only annoying thing really is juggling the times and logistics.

By the way, why don't you just come out and say you don't agree with two parents working instead of implying it the whole time here and soft soaping when directly asked?

I never said I don't agree with two working parents I did it myself. I think it is a stressful life style when both parents are working full time and that does impact on family life. I am not judging any one for doing it though a lot of the time their mortgage wouldn't take the hit of one parent giving up work out side the home.

On the judging thing, I was a separated parent, statistically speaking children do better growing up in two parent household that's a fact, now I did not take this as being judged nor did I feel I has to say at every opportunity my children are doing just as well as a children growing up in a two parent household, sometime we have no choice in how life turn out.

Its a difficult one though because as a philosophy I do think both parents should be working to support their family but sometime the reality make life very hard.

Hold the Cheez Whiz · 13-11-2014 4:28pm

anncoates wrote: »

Honestly, fair play to you.

I think, though, a lot of people would be happy to live on one income if they had no mortgage or rent to pay.

mariaalice wrote: »

Why? you have to explain if you think a couple with children would, in a lot of circumstances would like to be able to live on one income.. there must be a reason why you think like that would it have anything to do with children just wondering.

My husband and I live on one income even though we both work. He is the primary breadwinner (for now), and all of my income goes to paying off our student loans and building up savings so we can buy a house (or, hopefully, a small apartment building, so we have somewhere to live while generating rental income). We're doing this for now because I do contract work (so my income isn't guaranteed from year to year), but if I land a permanent position in the next two years we'll keep doing it because it gives us a lot more financial flexibility, whether it comes to switching jobs, starting a business, or handling child care decisions once we get to that point.

I should add that I do feel we are 'giving up' a fair amount to live this way, compared to friends and family members. The flip side is, I think the financial freedom is worth it. I don't think I would want to stay home, but I wouldn't mind working part time when we have small children, so I think it's better to get used to living primarily on one income now, rather than 'downgrading' our lifestyle later.

kowloon · 13-11-2014 4:42pm

This could turn out as bad as the 'Childfree' thread from a few years back.

Playboy · 13-11-2014 5:00pm

My wife stays at home because luckily we can afford it. It's better for your kids and better for the family in my opinion as there is less stress and that can only be beneficial to the children.

Anyone who thinks creche full time (8-12 hours s day) for a baby or toddler is good for them or that they love it is kidding themselves. Creche for a few hours a couple of times of week can be good for a child's development if you don't take the child to any playgroups or activities. But really if a parent can focus their energy on the child or children then its always going to be far better than the diluted levels of attention they would get in a creche.

Unfortunately having one parent staying at home is now just not an option for the majority of people as the cost of living and housing has increased far in excess of earnings. What our parents generation took for granted is now out of reach for most people and that is not a good thing for society. The whole approach to modern parenting is not child centric, its parent centric. Gina Ford and others like her are basically manuals in how to train babies and young children to adapt to their parents lifestyle. If one parent didnt have to work then there would be far less emphasis on routines and parenting could be more natural and child led which is far healthier for a childrens development as its how we evolved. There are some very interesting studies done on parenting in more tribal cultures where children are with their parents all the time versus the western/american parenting culture of routines and creche from a very young age.

Of course having one parent staying at home is not always just about affordability , some families have two parents who dont want to give up on their career or some families are just driven financially to earn as much as possible. Nothing wrong with that but people should have a choice and unfortunately far too many don't.

What would you give up

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