My 3 year old girl has never known her dad

Tinkerbell1608

I've been fighting with myself the last 3 years, I don't know how to explain this so please no one have a go at me.

I knew this guy for a while, even tho we never seen each other much we kept in touch. We told each other a lot of personal things. But thinking back i'm not sure his side of it was genuine. Skip forward to the last meeting we had, he was confiding in me about his crumbing relationship which he was ending, so he said, but i think it was a way to get what he wanted. I know now he never broke up with her. Well i knew when i found out i was pregnant.

From that point on i and my little girl was to be a secret that he never wanted to be told. I was told to stay away from a specific shopping centre, never to get in touch with his parents (I have their address because he put it on birth cert so it wasn't actually attached to his own home address) My own mother died a couple of years before i became pregnant and my dad is quite sick with his heart. My daughter is being deprived of a daddy and grandparents. And they're being deprived of a grand daughter that they know nothing about. I've already been asked where's my daddy. She see's all other kids with daddy's. And she actually called another girls father daddy, which is heart breaking.

He basically told me she doesn't exist to him and wants nothing to do with her or me. Fair play about me, i hate him with a passion. But my little girl is the innocent party here and deserves to have a daddy!

I suffered quite bad and still am to a certain point with post natal depression. I took his words to heart and became a secret. Rarely going out. I have my little girl 24/7. With no help at all. I lost my savings, (I had been saving for a deposit on a house) My job of nearly 10 years which i loved! My freedom to do anything whenever i wanted. My dad in the space of 8 months had 3 heart attacks, the first, the day i came home with my little girl.

My pain is unreal! I've hated myself for the past 3 years. I've had to struggle along and struggle through the dark days. But i do make sure my little girl is well looked after. I never ever put myself first and thats fine by me because she's happy and healthy.

I love my little girl with all my heart... but the situation just ruined my life, well actually he did.

He won't man up and acknowledge his little girl. I recently had a maintenance order sent to him. But he never showed but the judge make a judgement without him. And he has made the first deposit. I have no contact with him. Even tho i found his real address by total fluke about a year or 2 ago. I've often contemplated writing to his girlfriend and his mother and father to let them know. But his voice in the back of my head tells me not to ruin his life like he did mine. HE ruined my life not my little girl. I never regret having my little girl, she's the most gorgeous girl i've ever seen! She's a bundle of joy and giggles. She gets me through the dark days of life. She puts a smile on everyones face that she meets. She's one special little girl.

I have never been with another guy since him because i can't trust anyone anymore so i never even thinking or want to get into a relationship.

Should i be shielding him, not telling his parents or his partner about my gorgeous girl. Or should i go through life and live with this big cloud over me because of it? And should i just wait and see about the fights she has with me because she doesn't know her dad and she wants to meet him.

I've contemplated on doing this post for such a long time but i'm at that point now i need to just throw it out there. And you all being unknown to me is the best way i can do it. I feel like i have the worry and weight of the world on my shoulders and i'm really not sure what to do

Has anyone ever been in this position at all? Why do men feel its so easy to just dismiss their own flesh and blood like that. I understand he was and is in a relationship, but seriously grow a pair and face up to your responsibilities! :mad:

Featherbubble

I would get in contact with him and give him some time to tell all himself. One last chance. After that, I would go to his parents and tell them. I don't say this to be spiteful or make him pay, it is more about the grandparents and possible brothers and sisters etc. It disturbs me to think I could have immediate family that I am not aware of and I just don't think it is fair on anyone. He may have been terrified and has let it get out of hand and doesn't know where to go now with all the lies. He possibly worries about it. It will be awkward at first, but in time it will resolve itself and he could be glad? But you will have done all you can for your girl. She deserves a chance at knowing her family. This is just my opinion and you have to do what is right for your little girl. However, I wouldn't see it as ruining his life, you are not responsible for that. If you were telling his wife about a one night stand or something where there was no child involved, then I would say forget it. This is very different.

Tinkerbell1608

Thanks for that reply, my dad recently said to me what if he had a son and my daughter randomly met him later in life. I know it might never happen but its a fair point.

I was thinking of writing a letter to him first, but i'd say he'd ignore it like everything else.

I really don't want anything to do with him but i'd be civil to him and like for him to take an interest in his daughter. Think i've just woken up to the fact he should take responsibility. I just thought i'd have to deal with everything on my own. And he could just walk away and have a happy life not knowing how much heartache he put on me.

corsav6

I would just go to his parents and explain the situation to them. Give them the opportunity to get to know their granddaughter if they want to. If they choose to ignore the situation then tell them its fine, you won't bother them again but they must never contact you in the future.
Your happiness is very important too, a happy mum is what your daughter needs and I think if you can try to resolve your issue with parents and grandparents it will allow you concentrate on the future.
Your little girls dad sounds like an awful pr**k and he's missing out on one of the most wonderful experiences in life, been a dad.
I hope things work out well for both of ye, and also for your dad, the poor man, sounds like he's going through a hard time.

Featherbubble

I agree with the above poster. Also, I think this is something you need to do. As hard as it will be, you will sleep well the night you tell his parents. You deserve some peace on this at stage. You've been too kind to him already. Do it as soon as possible.

Tinkerbell1608

that's were my problem lies. Their not just down the road, their outside of dublin now. I wouldn't be able to pop down. Is my letter idea a bad idea? thats what has been holding me back from it all, i worry bout everyone else except me!

Yeah, My dad has been through the mill.... And i feel at times its my fault. Kids are stressful, not good for him at all! But he loves her so much. It's amazing to watch them sometimes. She's a special little girl and i know if he'd ever meet her he'd be blown away by how friendly and funny she is.

I'm just really torn in what to do...... she needs her daddy, but i don't want her heart broken...

corsav6

Tinkerbell1608 wrote: »

that's were my problem lies. Their not just down the road, their outside of dublin now. I wouldn't be able to pop down. Is my letter idea a bad idea? thats what has been holding me back from it all, i worry bout everyone else except me!

Yeah, My dad has been through the mill.... And i feel at times its my fault. Kids are stressful, not good for him at all! But he loves her so much. It's amazing to watch them sometimes. She's a special little girl and i know if he'd ever meet her he'd be blown away by how friendly and funny she is.

I'm just really torn in what to do...... she needs her daddy, but i don't want her heart broken...

Letters can get lost in the post, and cowards who can't deal with a situation can just say it got lost. I'd personally try to speak to them, even a phone call to start with. At least then you will get some sort of reply and won't be waiting on the postman wondering what they think.
If or when the time comes for your little girl to meet her grandparents make sure they know its for keeps. If they were to meet her and then decide to end contact it could really upset and confuse your daughter.

I'm typing on mobile so apologies for poor grammar.

OU812

Hi,

Normally I'm pretty choosey about what I respond to posts from people looking for advice because I don't think I'm qualified to give it (I've already deleted one response here).

This is my point of view which you're free to take or discard.

I don't think you're looking for money or support, at least it doesn't come across that way & for that reason, I'd do the following.

Write to the father, tell him he has two weeks to respond to you and tell his parents (your daughter's grandparents) that they have a granddaughter. If he fails to respond to you, send them a letter (by courier or registered post) detailing who you & more importantly who your daughter is. Send them a copy of the birth cert, some photos from her first three years & an invitation to meet her in a public & open space.

If they don't respond, still keep the date & turn up yourself just in case they decide not to make themselves known to you & just observe. Be prepared for a showdown (public place makes this less likely but you never know). Be polite & respectful (this is shock news to them). Speak with them and assure them you're not looking for anything but contact for your daughter with her family.

If they decline, take it as such & make your own plans for life, if they accept, take each meeting as it comes.

Remember your argument is not with his partner who may or not know that you & your daughter exist.

I wish you strength & happiness.

Tinkerbell1608

Do you know what's stopping me too, i know my dads fragile so i'm afraid they are too and they could have a turn. It is a bit of a bomb shell to land on someone that they've a 3 year old grand child they never knew about. I feel sorry for his girlfriend, not knowing how much of a bastard he is.

OU812

All our parents are fragile, that's what happens with age. It's not your responsibility. What is, is your daughter's happiness & future wellbeing. A carefully worded well though out letter will break it to them gently (they'll still need time to absorb it).

eviltwin

My two cents is your only loyalty is to your daughter, anyone else is not your responsibility. If I had a secret grandchild I would want to know so you should give these people the chance to know your little girl. If they don't want to know at least you know you tried. You have the address, I would hand deliver a letter if you can. That way you know they got it.

eviltwin

Tinkerbell1608 wrote: »

Do you know what's stopping me too, i know my dads fragile so i'm afraid they are too and they could have a turn. It is a bit of a bomb shell to land on someone that they've a 3 year old grand child they never knew about. I feel sorry for his girlfriend, not knowing how much of a bastard he is.

His responsibility - not yours. Keep reminding yourself of that. He made a choice to keep his child a secret, don't you take that onto your shoulders.

Tinkerbell1608

OU812, thank you so much for that post.

I haven't looked for anything in 3 years, i struggled. I help my dad with bills and food etc so i've nothing to play with at the end of each week. And I never sought money from him. I stuck to his wishes for me being a secret but I've reached the point i don't want to be like that anymore. I've realised she deserves to know him and/or his family.

I always try to wonder how it is for him keeping her a secret but i just can't, how can someone not want to know her. it just breaks my heart, she did nothing wrong. I just worry for the future, and the questions she asks.

Tinkerbell1608

I'm the type of person that will heap and heap the world and its problem on my shoulders. I hate to think i'd be hurting anyone or giving them heartache. But after 3 years it's exhausting. I have sleepless nights just lying awake wondering and trying to figure out what to do. I try and think of what way she'll react when she's older and wants to know about him. I know i shouldn't and it might never happen. I'm naturally a worrier. And it's hard not to.

mojopolo

Dear Tinkerbell - I don't often post on boards but I saw your post and saw a younger me.

I've been there. My eldest son is 26.

I angst for years about what I thought he was missing.
But when the father doesn't want to know its outside your control, possibly the grandparents too.
The bitterness can eat you up inside but only if you let it. Sometimes you just got to let it go and get on with living your life A wise old woman told me that once - I didn't want to think she was right but looking back it was some of the best advice I got.

From your point of view there is a slight positive side to it all - you have the final say over all the decisions in relation to your daughter. You don't have to bargain or compromise. No arranging weekends or holidays around anyone else. No competitive present buying etc. No jealousy or insecurities or other family to deal with. Your daughter can be brought up with your values.

What's for you will never go by you. Just learn to trust your instinct and you'll get there.

eviltwin

Tinkerbell1608 wrote: »

I'm the type of person that will heap and heap the world and its problem on my shoulders. I hate to think i'd be hurting anyone or giving them heartache. But after 3 years it's exhausting. I have sleepless nights just lying awake wondering and trying to figure out what to do. I try and think of what way she'll react when she's older and wants to know about him. I know i shouldn't and it might never happen. I'm naturally a worrier. And it's hard not to.

That's probably what he wants you to do, it takes the pressure off him and you've made it very easy for him over the years. Clearly he doesn't want to be a dad and that is something you will have to reconcile with yourself and your daughter.

Bite the bullet and send the letter, don't expect a reply in the immediate future. This will be a shock to them and they will need time to digest it and talk to their son and come to terms with it. Not sure what kind of bloke he is but do you think he might try and badmouth you when they confront him? He might try and blame you, say you tricked him etc...as parents they will probably be loyal to their son, don't take it personally, they don't know you after all.

Put your phone number and email in the letter - sometimes non face to face contact is easier.

Remember that in all of this you have stepped up to the plate, you have raised your daughter, looked after her, clothed, fed and educated her. That's hard enough to do with a partner, even harder on your own. Be proud of yourself, its not your fault he hasn't played his part. You sound like a great mum. Good luck, I'm rooting for you xx

Tinkerbell1608

did you have to deal with the questions mojopolo? I ignore them right now as she's so young but she can see the difference. It nearly has me in tears. I grew up with both my parents. My mam has passed away so i know in a way what its like to be missing a parent. I know its not the same situation, but she'll still feel that empty space.

Tinkerbell1608

I somehow expected abuse on here but you have all been so nice, i don't know why i haven't done this sooner. I think a note to him explaining everything would set my mind at ease. Closure in a way.

It's the most upsetting situation to be in. I actually feel he'll just ignore my letter too. Sure he didn't show up to court, which i was expecting. But if i pour it all out in a letter, seal it and send it, it could possibly lift the weight off my shoulders.

_Whimsical_

Tinkerbell1608 wrote: »

Do you know what's stopping me too, i know my dads fragile so i'm afraid they are too and they could have a turn. It is a bit of a bomb shell to land on someone that they've a 3 year old grand child they never knew about. I feel sorry for his girlfriend, not knowing how much of a bastard he is.

It is a big bombshell certainly but you have to leave space for the possibility that your daughter might be a great gift in their lives even if they don't see that immediately. I can think of 4 children who were born as surprises, into very awkward situations, were initially thought to be disasters by grandparents, but who are now the light of their lives and centre of their universes. That's not uncommon.
The worst that will happen regarding the grandparents is that they refuse to acknowledge you and your daughter and you end up in the same situation you're in now where they have no input in your daughters life, if that happens it'll be very much their loss.

In years to come you need to able to say to your daughter that you tried on her behalf, I say do it, try contacting him and the grandparents.
The only thing I'd say to be mindful of is if he is likely to be threatening or violent in anyway. If he's that sort I might think twice. I think it's a good idea as another poster suggested to only ever arrange to meet him in public until you're sure of him.

mojopolo

@tinkerbell When my son was around 3 or 4 he asked a lot of questions about his dad and I was in a position to set up a meeting. My son totally ignored his dad at that meeting preferring instead to play with his toys. He never really asked too much after that. In that respect I had it easy.

Kids are very accepting of what you tell them. I'm sure you'll find the right words.

Tinkerbell1608

So i've nothing really to lose in a way.

i'm gonna just have to sit and write out everything. Spill it all out. It's a horrible position to be in.

She was literally playing with toys the other day and just turned to me looked me in the eyes and asked "where's My Daddy" twice. How do you answer that type of question from a 3 year old? Tugs on the heart strings. Just wish he knew that. I always wonder if he thinks about her.

Tinkerbell1608

mojopolo, my little girl loves strangers, probably a bad thing sometimes but she sits chatting and wanting to play with everyone. Everyone that meets her falls in love with her. She's wise beyond her years and very independent and curious. But i don't think he'd give me the chance to introduce her to him. He's missing out on a gorgeous little girl.

mojopolo

Hey tinkers - from your posts it sounds like you have your daughter's best interests at heart. You can't control the actions of the father so try not to waste too much energy thinking about what should/could be. It's his loss. While your daughter might not know her biological father it seems like he's not a great role model anyway. There are plenty of good men out there - just trust your instincts and what's for you will not go by you. It might not be the plan you had for you and your daughters but plans change - often for the better, if you let them.

Manta Mad ovci

Hi Tinkerbell1608.

Firstly i am not qualified in this area but you have made a great step forward and that is by talking about this.
I hope talking/writing helps take some of the stress off your mind.
The less stressed your are on this is more beneficial healthy love you can give your daughter,
Children are always going to ask questions we are never going to find easy answers to.

In your first post you say you where told to stay away from certain areas that sounds like you live close to the (Father) and maybe his family.
It is a free country so if your not causing trouble you can go where ever you like if you where honest with the (father) in your relationship and he was not he had no right to dictate what you can and cannot do.

I think writing a letter to the (father) telling him your daughter is asking these question and it is your daughters right to know him.In it give him 1 month to reply back and if he does not tell him you will be writing to his Parents as its also your daughters right to know her family.

Be careful how you word it and keep a copy of every correspondence.
If he replies and wants to meet do not go on your own bring someone with you that you can trust but make sure they do not get involved they should only act as a witness.
I would not do it this year i would wait till 2015 and enjoy this Christmas with your daughter.

Its also important to remember that not all men are like this and i hope you do not think this way as your daughter will pick up on it.
It only seems to be easy for men to get away with stuff like this in this country.

bp

I have nothing much to add other than he has clearly worn you down to expect abuse from us.

You sound like a wonderful mother and I agree with the above: after Christmas, registered post (maybe to his office to give time to digest - not siding with him at all - but if he immediately has a confrontation with the gf it will only go downhill), my only internal conflict is giving him a month to tell his parents - he has had three years!!!! So send them simultaneously..
Maybe

Have someone (friend not family) read the letters to ensure you stick to the facts so he cannot paint you as an emotionally unstable person! Put in all proof - birth certificate and and previous correspondence and your details1

Good luck

beanie10

Heres my 2 cents. Op like you I have a young daughter that I would do anything for. Anything she wants you try your best within reason.
Your fella is a prick. You hold alot of resentment towards him, rightly so. But you need to look at where you are today and where you want to be in future. Bringing this man into your daughter's life is not answer. He will resent you for it and your daughter just like you resent him now. Your daughter better not knowing him.
You need to trust men again and when you meet the right you will know. He could be the best father to your daughter.

eviltwin

bp wrote: »

I have nothing much to add other than he has clearly worn you down to expect abuse from us.

You sound like a wonderful mother and I agree with the above: after Christmas, registered post (maybe to his office to give time to digest - not siding with him at all - but if he immediately has a confrontation with the gf it will only go downhill), my only internal conflict is giving him a month to tell his parents - he has had three years!!!! So send them simultaneously..
Maybe

Have someone (friend not family) read the letters to ensure you stick to the facts so he cannot paint you as an emotionally unstable person! Put in all proof - birth certificate and and previous correspondence and your details1

Good luck

Agree with this. Giving him time is a courtesy he doesn't deserve. Clearly he only cares about himself and if he knows your plans that gives him time to make up some story that makes you look bad. He doesn't need to be involved in this, the grandparents are separate. He isn't going to change overnight just because of a letter.

OU812

Also, to answer the question "where's my daddy?"

"Some people don't have a mommy or daddy in their lives but that's ok, because it means that the one they do have loves them twice as much".

BelleOfTheBall

Hi delighted your opened up and I'm sure it's only going to ease!!i actually think u need a lot of support and I think a visit to citizens advice solicitor might guide u best.if this letter was sent to him I would send to grand parents no barred spared through solicitor.at least everything is going the proper channel and question of doubt will not be cast by you-protecting yourself.you have to remember your beautiful daughter has rights to her heritage and although I know it's not for financial gain he's got that responsibility!!uve made so many sacrifices I wish u very best in what decision u make for u and and daughter more importantly. Have a wonderful Christmas!!!

Tasden

Op I'd just worry that you're contacting the grandparents in the hope of this leading to him becoming involved...
Deep down, is this what you're hoping?

Cause your problem and concerns seem to stem from the questions she has about her daddy yet contacting the grandparents may not grant you any relief/solution to this, it may actually cause more questions about daddy. That's not to say its not worth doing btw.

They may try to get him on board or try to make him see the error of his ways but if he has decided he doesn't want a relationship with her then you may have to accept that no amount of influence from them will change that. Then if they are involved and your child becomes aware of family relationships and who they are this may raise more questions about why daddy's mammy and daddy are around now but her daddy isn't.

If the parents do make him see sense and he feels pressured to become involved in the child's life is he going to do so begrudgingly and not actually commit fully or willingly? An absent parent that is more of an abstract concept and not involved is a lot less damaging to a child than one who shows up intermittently and acts in such a way that the child questions how they are treated and why daddy doesn't seem bothered to see them/why he cancels/why he only wants to visit for a couple of hours and not a full day.

This isn't to try put you off involving the father if he does have a change of heart, I'm just explaining that the "where's my daddy" question is difficult but having a father that hasn't wanted anything to do with her become involved in a minimal way to appease his parents now may not stop difficult questions and may actually cause more.

If you want purely for your child to know her grandparents and for the grandparents to know of their grandchild and anything else that may arise as a result is just a bonus then I'd advise the letter as others suggested. But id strongly recommend thinking about what it is you're honestly hoping for and realistically look at how things will affect your daughter and how you will deal with questions that arise. Because as someone mentioned earlier its not too difficult to explain that daddy just isn't around but mammy loves you, its a lot harder to explain away daddy's lack of involvement when his parents are involved so if your reasoning for all this is to try address her questions and help her in that regard then you may be creating more so need to be prepared for that.

And that's not me saying the grandparents shouldn't be told or that you're wrong for wanting to contact them, I just want you to really consider what it is you're hoping for out of it and how you will deal with any of the issues that might arise from it. No matter what you do there will always be questions from her about daddy so they're just something you're gonna have to deal with as they arise and remind her she is loved.

Hope you get some comfort from whatever you decide to do. And well done for raising her yourself, its tough but sounds like you're doing a great job!

dm1979

hi tinkerbell, I dont know how to put this, so bear with me, but I could be your little girl, I am the secret daughter of a man who doest want to know. my mother fell pregnent and his family from what I know denied everything, I wasnt his full stop. I once tried to contact him through his mother and she was wicked to me to say the least, denied I could have been his, although there is no question that I am his. He now has a wife and 2 sons, and I am still the dirty little secret. There are no right answers in your situation, no way of knowing what is best for your daughter, if you tell his family and they dont want to know, she will have to deal with alot of heartache, if you dont she will have to deal with been the secret child of a man (if you can call him that) and that brings as much heartache. your post has brought alot back, keep your head high you have nothing to hide, you are not in the wrong here, he is. whatever you decide to do, whatever comes down the road you love your daughter and that is all that matters.