My 3 year old girl has never known her dad

Tinkerbell1608

Thanks everyone for your replies!

I already have a solicitor who helped with the maintenance order, but I find she's too busy to have a proper chat to about stuff.
She would only be able to see me in the court and be running between courts! So I was never able to talk about the what if's and would it be right or ok to get in touch with him.
I'm scared if I do get in touch the maintenance that was granted will be taken away, by him, just to be mean! I wouldn't actually put it past him. I really do only think he's paying because he could be jailed. It's only newly organised and had first payment. I will say which I haven't mentioned, that I don't get the full amount. Half is taken from me from my lone parent. I have that worry now If he misses payments. I'll be down money. I live week to week with no luxuries, which is fine by me. My daughter comes first and always has.
I think at this point in it all I need to just write down my struggles and worries, mail it and be done with it!
Maintenance is an on going thing till she's 18-23.
And will have to go back to court a few times, as she grows and there's other expenses. not sure if he realizes that.

Deenie123

Tinkerbell1608 wrote: »

I'm scared if I do get in touch the maintenance that was granted will be taken away, by him, just to be mean! I wouldn't actually put it past him. I really do only think he's paying because he could be jailed. It's only newly organised and had first payment. I will say which I haven't mentioned, that I don't get the full amount. Half is taken from me from my lone parent. I have that worry now If he misses payments. I'll be down money.

He has to make the payments. If he doesn't, bring him back to court.

I think for your daughter's sake you should try to get in touch with the grandparents. Firstly, down the line she'll be touched that you tried even in the most difficult of times for you. Secondly, there's a practical element to be considered in that it's good to have a familial medical history. There's also the consideration that they might like to know about their granddaughter.

I'd send them a registered letter with photos etc., but I'd make it clear that you're not asking for her father to be involved in her life beyond the legal requirement that he pay the court ordered maintenance, that you're not asking them to get involved in the relationship between your daughter and her father; rather you're extending an invitation to them to get to know her and have a relationship with her and that after 3 years of being asked to keep your daughter a secret, it's not sitting well with you and you believe that they deserve the opportunity to know their own granddaughter should they wish to.

braddun

is he paying maintenance every month


attach his wages if he does not


hes a cheating scum

Tinkerbell1608

The judgement in his absence said €60 a week to be paid into my bank account.

He was self employed when I knew him, haven't seen or heard from him in over 3 years. I think I'll wait till the new year and send both by registered post. I need to get everything off my shoulders and move on. 3 years of doing it has worn me down. He lives outside dublin but was often always in Dublin. His other half took a liking to a specific dublin shopping centre when I was pregnant and he told me to steer clear incase we bumped into each other. I'm not the type to approach and he knew that so I at the time was wondering did she actually know about me and would recognize me. At the time I was connected with him on facebook. For all I know she could have seen my picture randomly on his computer.

So he can't bring that against me in court that I wrote letters to inform his parents of their grandchild? That's my big worry. But I only think it's fair they know. And that she may have another family to see. Literally in life myself and her are a secret. It's just the way my mind is now. Just because he told me to. And I listened!! I'm just so mad with myself for even listening to him!!

LegacyUser

Aww darling, I feel your pain.

I had a relationship with a guy starting nearly 2 years ago. We worked together and we clicked straight away. I always knew at the back of my mind, it was just going to be a fling. He was separated and had children. I was younger and I was also going through the grief of losing my mother so I felt vulnerable and did not want the fuss of a relationship at the time.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I fell pregnant quite early into the fling. I always knew I wanted to keep my baby. Her father never pressurised me to do anything else.

I knew I didn't want to bring my baby into a single parent family so I tried to make it work with her father but he made it impossible. He was an emotional bully. He made me do so many things that I feel so ashamed about now.

I went on to have my daughter and I love her to bits. Just after she was born, he moved abroad permanently and cut contact shortly after. He won't answer his phone and has changed his email address. I don't know where he works or lives. He never paid a cent towards her upbringing, he doesn't pay maintenance either. He never told his mother, his brothers or sisters or his children about my daughter.

I faced many similar dilemmas to you. Should I make contact with her aunts, uncles and grandmother. His side of the family is completely wiped out.

I went over this so many times in my head. I felt under so much stress and I came to the conclusion that he wasn't worth the stress and anxiety which he was causing me and as a consequence my daughter. I also felt that my daughter deserved a father who loved and cared for her genuinely.

However, I don't want to go into it but my situation is quite complicated in other ways.

I would like to meet someone else when the time is right and have more children. I would like my daughter to have siblings. I would like a fresh start from the hassle my baby's father has put us through.

I know that down the track my daughter will start to ask questions. I will tell her that I love her with all my heart and she gets my undivided attention, she is so lucky in that way.

When she is much older and she understands more, I will give her the opportunity to try to contact her father by providing as much information about him as I can give so that she can look for him (he covered his tracks very well).

I hope that your daughter's father comes to his senses and supports your daughter in every way. I hope that he starts to pay what is due.

If not, your daughter has you as her loving parent. Everything else just isn't worth the stress. Your daughter should be your primary focus.

Tasden

Tinkerbell1608 wrote: »

The judgement in his absence said €60 a week to be paid into my bank account.

He was self employed when I knew him, haven't seen or heard from him in over 3 years. I think I'll wait till the new year and send both by registered post. I need to get everything off my shoulders and move on. 3 years of doing it has worn me down. He lives outside dublin but was often always in Dublin. His other half took a liking to a specific dublin shopping centre when I was pregnant and he told me to steer clear incase we bumped into each other. I'm not the type to approach and he knew that so I at the time was wondering did she actually know about me and would recognize me. At the time I was connected with him on facebook. For all I know she could have seen my picture randomly on his computer.

So he can't bring that against me in court that I wrote letters to inform his parents of their grandchild? That's my big worry. But I only think it's fair they know. And that she may have another family to see. Literally in life myself and her are a secret. It's just the way my mind is now. Just because he told me to. And I listened!! I'm just so mad with myself for even listening to him!!

Shes not a secret in your/her life. Yeah her dad wants nothing to do with her but that's something that you just need to accept and move on from, (yes easier said than done), her being a "secret" to that side of the family doesn't make you and her and the life you lead a secret. Its him that carries that burden not you or her. Even if the grandparents were aware of her existence they may not want a relationship with her and you need to be able to move past that and not go back to thinking ye are a "secret" again just because they refuse to acknowledge her.

Your life will always be separate to his. Your child links the two of you together in one way but you need to stop viewing your life as a secret spin off from his. You and her have your own life regardless of him and his family. Any secrecy is his burden not yours.

I dunno if you said or not but have you spoken to a professional about all this?

Paramite Pie

The father has no right to anonymity full stop.

I think this man his worried he'll loose his partner if she finds out and that self-preservation is the reason for all this. However it's not your fault if that happens.

While there's no guaranteed outcome, I do think contacting the grandparents is the right idea. Glad your getting maintenance.

volchitsa

I'm glad if the reaction you've had on here has made you feel better about yourself, whatever you decide to do in the end.

Can I just say one thing I've learned about when other people have hurt you or done you some wrong, and specifically when you get the courage up to bring it to their notice? It's that it can be very destructive for you to want/need them to react in the way you hope they will. Even if it seems obvious to you that they should see that you are doing this for your daughter and possibly for them, they may not react that way - and you need to be prepared for that, or it will hurt you more than the present situation.

So before you do anything, remember that they are entitled not to want to know you or her, and think how you will feel if they don't want to know. Especially if they send back an unfriendly reply. Hopefully that isn't how they would react, but you can't be sure, and you need to protect yourself first.

So if you can't face a negative reaction from them, maybe you shouldn't contact them at all, or not yet anyway, while you're still feeling vulnerable.

Tinkerbell1608

I'm gonna try and explain why i want to get in touch with them. It's not for them to see my little girl but thats fine if they do, i need peace in my own head. It's horrendous some days, i see him in her everyday. I have no feelings for him but it was never discussed when we last had a face to face about how she was going to be looked after or how i was even going to do it... Which was at the registering the birth. He wouldn't even look at her and told me, to him she didn't exist. I know I don't have to tell him anything about the hardship I'm going through, but i feel he felt it so so easy to dismiss such a beautiful little girl, and i do understand the situation he's in but be a man and grow pair. admit you were wrong and accept you have a daughter. I know a hell of a lot about him. I could have been his worst nightmare from day 1 when she was born, but i'm just not like that. Thats why i'm in turmoil over what to do and when. It took me the best part of 3 years to even ask for maintenance. But he should be providing for her. But he's still ignoring the fact from what i can see. Yes, he just started paying maintenance last week. We in years to come will have court dates, or if he wanted it away from courts we could sit down and discuss what he could provide for her. I hate the courts, but it's my only option. Or he could ignore all the court dates and they'd award me what she needed without him putting his own financial situation before the judge so they know he's able to pay. And there i go again worrying he'll struggle financially! even tho i have the past 3 years!

Big Bag of Chips

I'm not sure if I would contact his parents. I don't know. I've not been in the situation, but I think it's up to him to tell them. Do you know his family? Did you ever meet them?

What happens if you contact his parents and they want to meet her, and he still has no interest? Will that open up more questions for your daughter? I know of children who do have great relationships with their grandparents but have never met their dad. It's just difficult to tell what's best for the child.

But, at the end of the day, you know your child. You know her dad. You are the one best placed to make the decision. But I can't help thinking that this is all a rush. I know she's 3, but you mention you've just sorted out maintenance and he's just made the first payment. Why not wait another while? See how that plays out. If he sticks to it. Now that your daughter has become an actual reality to him, he may decide he wants to see her. His relationship isn't your concern, and whether or not he has told his gf about you is irrelevant for now.

Personally, I wouldn't take on too much right now. You've managed for 3 years, what's another few months? I'd wait and see what happens over the next while, both with the maintenance order and with him. He might make contact. If he doesn't then you can decide your next step when things are more settled for you.

Tinkerbell1608

Very True, But in a way i feel i can't move on fully till i sort this. I'm in battle with myself now. Most people probably wouldn't have this much turmoil, they'd be able to pull themselves together in a way and move on. I just can't seem to, I worry about the future for her. And what she's going to ask. I'm fearing the worst, as in, her getting into huge arguments with me because of it. I shouldn't think that way but its very hard not to.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, firstly I'm sorry to hear about the situation yourself and your daughter find yourself in. Just as a different perspective on a similar sounding story. In the personal issues section there is a post call "my partner has another child I knew nothing about" perhaps reading it may help you. Good luck x

volchitsa

Tinkerbell1608 wrote: »

Very True, But in a way i feel i can't move on fully till i sort this. I'm in battle with myself now. Most people probably wouldn't have this much turmoil, they'd be able to pull themselves together in a way and move on. I just can't seem to, I worry about the future for her. And what she's going to ask. I'm fearing the worst, as in, her getting into huge arguments with me because of it. I shouldn't think that way but its very hard not to.

This is kind of what I was afraid of, when I joined the discussion. Afraid of, for you, I mean. I've been there, for other stuff, not exactly like you, but I was in exactly that position of feeling I couldn't move on until the person who had harmed me acknowledged that harm, and said what I wanted to hear him say. I felt if he would only acknowledge certain things, I could then move on. I had a letter ready and everything.

But a very wise friend warned me that it was a dangerous position to put myself in, of needing someone else to say what I wanted them to, because you can't make even people who love you do that. So people who don't know you, or who feel you have a different aim in life from them, well, you are putting yourself in a very vulnerable position if you make your own recovery dependent on what they say or do. And really it depends on you anyway, not on them.

mountsky

He sounds like a Prize Assxxxxxe!!Defo let his family know,he seems like a nasty,manipulative moron,good luck with it,your child deserves so much better

volchitsa

Can I suggest something else : I understand that you don't want your daughter to feel you didn't do enough to get contact with her dad and his family, so maybe you should do that, send a letter with pictures etc as someone said above. Make a copy of it, for her in the future. Send it registered mail, both so that you know they got it, and also so you can keep that for her too.

But don't think any more than that about it. Don't waste your precious time hoping they will get in touch, just remember that you did your best and that is all your daughter, or anyone else, can expect of you.

And hey, be kind to yourself. You've had a tough time, and this man has clearly made you feel worthless by making you into his secret. That's a power thing, for him, so don't give him that power any more. Live your own life, with your little girl and don't worry any more about it. There's lots of stuff we don't control in our lives and in our children's lives. It doesn't matter as long as you are there for her. Lots of children have only one parent day to day in their lives and they grow up happy all the same.

Tinkerbell1608

That's exactly what I've been thinking of doing, few photos, a letter, register it. Post it and be at peace with it all. If I get replies so be it, if not, I've put it out there and they know. I'm sick of us being a secret. At least I could show her I tried.

LegacyUser

Tinkerbell1608 wrote: »

That's exactly what I've been thinking of doing, few photos, a letter, register it. Post it and be at peace with it all. If I get replies so be it, if not, I've put it out there and they know. I'm sick of us being a secret. At least I could show her I tried.

I don't disagree with your decision , but just make sure that you've thought it through and are prepared to deal with the heartbreak of possibly being rejected by them also .
I think the grandparents deserve the courtesy of being told by their son and not a stranger . You need to be the bigger person here . He's not deserving of any courtesy , but I woukd inform him first that you are going to send the letter . Give him a week to tell his parents before they receive the letter . For their sake . It will be difficult enough for them to come to terms with the fact they have a three year old grandchild , without having to hear it from a stranger .

Big Bag of Chips

Just think everything through. As volchitsa rightly says, it seems you are depending on these people, and him, to accept you and your daughter in order for you to be able to recover from everything he's done. What if that doesn't happen? What if you send your letter, with your pictures and it's full of love and how great your little girl is... and you still get nothing. Will that feel like a double rejection on your part and set you back further?

That's why I think you need to think this through a bit longer. She's only 3. Yes she's asking questions but she doesn't have the adult understanding/complexities that we understand. She just wants to know where her daddy is. If you answer, as someone else suggested that some people have a mammy and a daddy. Some people only have a mammy, some live with their nanny and grandad etc. Then you can buy yourself a little bit of time in how you go about this. And it will buy you the time to see how the maintenance works out etc.

You have all these thoughts, feelings, emotions etc linked to him, to him being absent, to him ignoring you, denying you and your daughter exist, but she has NONE of that. She's a baby. And yes, she asks you every so often, but I'd hazard a guess that the times in between her asking you she's not even thinking of it! Whereas it's ALL you are thinking about.

Again, I'm not suggesting you don't get in touch. I just think you don't have to do it right now.

Have you been to counselling or anything about this. Maybe talking through with someone would help. It might help you see that you don't need his recognition, or his family's. If you get it it's a bonus, but your worth doesn't depend on them accepting you.

volchitsa

Yes I'd agree with everything Treadcarefully and BBOC have just said, and I'd add that not only does your worth not depends on him accepting you, but don't forget that your daughter's worth doesn't depend on it either. She'll be the same little person, and she may not even like them that much. You certainly don't want them letting her feel they were doing her a favour in being in her life! Grandparents can also be negative influences as well as positive ones.

At the moment, she has you and your dad, and a small child really doesn't need some particular form of family, she needs someone who loves her unconditionally and will put her interests first. Lots of kids in "conventional" families don't even have that, and having her paternal grandparents in her life might not make any difference to her either way.

I think you will manage this potential shake-up in her life better if you feel less "invested" in it yourself. What would you do if after a first visit they want her to come back and she doesn't want to go? I think you should take your time about it, rebuild your own life separately from this contact issue. If he is now paying regular maintenance that's great (and perfectly right and proper) - maybe take a little time before taking it further. Concentrate on doing other things to make you happy first.

Tinkerbell1608

your all making great sense, I did need all this advice cos it's making me see it clearly now. But I do feel they have a right to know. Maybe not right now. And I don't think he'd confess all to any of them.

Sure I don't even know if he's gonna keep up with payments! He never turned up for court, was told in the judgement letter that he could be jailed if he didn't pay. I rang my bank about the payment and you would think for an ongoing weekly payment you'd set up some sort of a direct debit or standing order to keep it easy but it was just paid into my account so possibly no paper trail on his side.

Even if he doesn't like it, myself and her are gonna be in the background of his life for years to come. I actually really don't understand how he's been keeping the situation so secret. In a way I just want it to be easier than he's making it.

Big Bag of Chips

Tinkerbell1608 wrote: »

In a way I just want it to be easier than he's making it.

What do you mean? Is he not making it very easy for you right now by not being around? Would you think it would be easier if she knew him, met him once or twice, and then disappeared again? Would it be easier to answer "Why don't I see my daddy?" then?

Really, as it is, you have sole control over what your daughter is exposed to. You are not sitting around on a Saturday afternoon waiting for him to show up, and wondering if he will. If he doesn't want to be a part of her life, do you think forcing him to be is going to be "easier" for you? It is unlikely that he is going to have a complete switch in personality where he is suddenly going to realise that he wants to be a dad. So, I think, what you are hoping for is never actually going to happen. He is not going to be any sort of real dad in her life. He is not going to go to school concerts, or sports games she'll be involved in.

For now, things are as easy as you are going to get them. You know what they say, be careful what you wish for.

sunshine and showers

You don't seem to be looking for any kind of financial support, but I'd talk to a solicitor anyway if I were you. This man has a child and he needs to face up to that reality. He should be contributing towards her life. Even if you don't need the money now, you could put it away for when she's older if she wants to go to college or something.

He shouldn't be allowed to just abdicate his responsibilities so easily.

Tinkerbell1608

Looking at that now I actually probably want it easier on me.... No worry if he's going to pay every week... Worry about having to attend court in the future. I just wanna be civil and discuss things but I know that's only in an ideal world now! It could be easier for me but probably not for everyone else involved.

Big Bag of Chips

I think the way you have it is the easiest way, for now. He doesn't seem like the type to sit down with you and discuss things civilly. He might change with time, but you had to take him to court for maintenance, and even then he didn't show up. He wants nothing to do with you. He's not going to sit down and chat about "what next?" with you.

You are getting weekly maintenance without having to deal with him. Without listening to abuse from him. Without depending on him to show up every weekend. Without having to hand your daughter over to him and trust that he will take care of her and not be filling her head with his version of events.

Whether you believe it or not, right now IS the easiest way.

I hope he cops himself on, and I hope some day he realises what he's missing out on. But you shouldn't depend on that happening. You have done nothing wrong. You have nothing to prove to anyone. You don't need approval or recognition or praise from anyone. This time next year you may have made contact and your daughter might have a relationship with her grand parents. But even if you don't, she will be old enough herself one day to go find him if she wants to. I think he's forgetting that.

Al Capwned

I don't normally read or get involved in threads like these but I felt like I might be able to offer some advice and I hope you take it in the spirit in which it is intended OP - what's best for you and your daughter. What I have to say may or may not help you, but maybe it will.....

Ten years ago I met a girl that had a three year old daughter. Her dad was not irish, and had moved back to his own country shortly after she was born - the girl I met had worked with him when she became pregnant and when he found out, he said he wanted nothing to do with it, and was gone 3 or 4 months later.

Her daughter is now my daughter - everyone that knows me knows I have 3 kids, 13, 10 and 8. Two of them biological children.

She may be my step daughter, but she asked to call me daddy when she was 6 or so, i love her as much as the two lads, she loves me like the two lads do, she knows the full story that I am not her biological father, and she also knows that her 'real' father now lives abroad and has made no effort to see her, she calls my mam and dad nanny and grandad. We've spoken only recently about this, as I am doing my family tree at the minute, and I asked her did it bother her at all that she doesn't know her biological father, and she said "sure you are my daddy, and that's the way i want it!" Both her mam and me have said that it's up to her if she wants to do some digging later in life to find him, and I'll fully support her if she decides to do so.

Me and her mam were always nothing but honest about the situation, and always answered any questions she had as honestly as we could. We split up a couple of years ago when my daughter was just gone ten, and it was upsetting for her, as it was for all of us, but me and her mam get on very well now, and are good friends, and my kids stay with me a few days every week.

I suppose my point OP, is that life sometimes has a funny way of sorting things out for the best. I'm not for one second saying that your situation is like my ex's when my daughter was born, but her father has not been missed for one second. And even before I met her mother, she was doted on by her mam, her uncles, aunts and grandparents.

You seem like you are going through a tough time at the moment, and I hope it works out for you.
Like I said, I'm not sure if any of this can help, but the main point I'm trying to make is that sometimes it's not necessarily a bad thing that certain people are not involved with children's lives. Sometimes it's better to leave well enough alone.

Tasden

Al Capwned wrote: »

I don't normally read or get involved in threads like these but I felt like I might be able to offer some advice and I hope you take it in the spirit in which it is intended OP - what's best for you and your daughter. What I have to say may or may not help you, but maybe it will.....

Ten years ago I met a girl that had a three year old daughter. Her dad was not irish, and had moved back to his own country shortly after she was born - the girl I met had worked with him when she became pregnant and when he found out, he said he wanted nothing to do with it, and was gone 3 or 4 months later.

Her daughter is now my daughter - everyone that knows me knows I have 3 kids, 13, 10 and 8. Two of them biological children.

She may be my step daughter, but she asked to call me daddy when she was 6 or so, i love her as much as the two lads, she loves me like the two lads do, she knows the full story that I am not her biological father, and she also knows that her 'real' father now lives abroad and has made no effort to see her, she calls my mam and dad nanny and grandad. We've spoken only recently about this, as I am doing my family tree at the minute, and I asked her did it bother her at all that she doesn't know her biological father, and she said "sure you are my daddy, and that's the way i want it!" Both her mam and me have said that it's up to her if she wants to do some digging later in life to find him, and I'll fully support her if she decides to do so.

Me and her mam were always nothing but honest about the situation, and always answered any questions she had as honestly as we could. We split up a couple of years ago when my daughter was just gone ten, and it was upsetting for her, as it was for all of us, but me and her mam get on very well now, and are good friends, and my kids stay with me a few days every week.

I suppose my point OP, is that life sometimes has a funny way of sorting things out for the best. I'm not for one second saying that your situation is like my ex's when my daughter was born, but her father has not been missed for one second. And even before I met her mother, she was doted on by her mam, her uncles, aunts and grandparents.

You seem like you are going through a tough time at the moment, and I hope it works out for you.
Like I said, I'm not sure if any of this can help, but the main point I'm trying to make is that sometimes it's not necessarily a bad thing that certain people are not involved with children's lives. Sometimes it's better to leave well enough alone.

So lovely

Tinkerbell1608

Actually I'm now thinking of Leaving it the way it is at the moment... I think I just need to move on, and worry about the here and now and not the past and future. I like the way people on here have showed me different angles on this. And it makes so much sense to leave things be for now. She's happy healthy and well looked after.

I just feel he's had a very easy escape and not facing up to things but then at least he's now paying a bit towards her.

OU812

Write a letter Tinkerbell. Write it to your daughter. Explain everything to her in it, put in as much detail as you can about her father & where he lives, his DOB etc., tell her how hard you wanted him to be part of her life, then seal it & put it away & give it to her when she's old enough to understand.

Tinkerbell1608

Put it all into a letter for her, get it all out there, seal it and move on with things. When needed, apply for what Is needed from him to help her every so often and not let it take over my mind.
I need to learn to not let it take over me like it has. There has been good points which I never told myself before, that if up till now he showed no interest in her the he's hardly going to! I doubt he ever will.

Big Bag of Chips

Keep reminding yourself that you don't need him to. You both are getting along just fine without him. He should be knocking down your door begging to be part of her life, not you knocking on his begging him to be part of her life.

You don't need him. He if comes round, great. If he doesn't... You don't need him.