My 3 year old girl has never known her dad

Tinkerbell1608

I'm actually delighted I came on here to get some opinions! It makes so much sense to me now why I should leave things as they are. If he had a heart he'd let his family know... But that's only in an ideal world! And in reality he'll never do that!

I'll do my letter to her explaining things as they are. My heart aches knowing she'll eventually learn her daddy didn't want to know her. But I'm not gonna explain it that way.

LegacyUser

I think you're making the right decision by leaving well enough alone . I wish I had never made contact with my son's father . It has completely destroyed our relationship .
15 years ago I foolishly became involved with a man who abandoned me as soon as I told him I was pregnant . I struggled to rear my darling son alone for five years , until the anger and resentment consumed me . I loved my son dearly but I hated the fact that his father wanted nothing to do with him and that he had gotten off 'scot free' as it were . He had a good life , plenty of friends , a good job and a great social life , whilst I was home with our 'secret ' . He had told no one about us .
Anyway , one day I decided that I was taking no more and I turned up on his sister's doorstep (I knew her through a mutual friend ) and told her all about our affair . Next I knew , his parents were in touch wanting to have a relationship with their grandson . I was thrilled of course . All was fine at first , but then they started belittling me and ignoring my pleas not to give him too much junk food /spoil him with presents/make sure he didn't stay up too late, etc etc . It got to the stage where he knew that if I said no , he could just go and ring nana and papa and they would pander to him . Things went from bad to worse and my darling son changed into an anti Christ (not at his grandparents house mind you , he knew how to manipulate them ) . My son's father got married and had a family of his own and he then took an interest in his son . My son spent more and more time over there with him , until one day he told me that he wanted to move in with his daddy permanently . He has broken my heart (like his father did ) and I brought it all on myself . I was so hellbent on making his father 'pay' for leaving me alone to rear our child that I didn't look at the bigger picture .
As someone has already said on here , Be careful what you wish for .
Put the past behind you , let go of the hurt and resentment and look toward the future for yourself and your child .

Tinkerbell1608

[QUOTE= I struggled to rear my darling son alone for five years , until the anger and resentment consumed me . I loved my son dearly but I hated the fact that his father wanted nothing to do with him and that he had gotten off 'scot free' as it were . He had a good life , plenty of friends , a good job and a great social life , whilst I was home with our 'secret ' . He had told no one about us .
[/QUOTE]

That's actually how i feel a lot of the time. That he was able to keep his great social life, his job and his freedom to do anything etc etc....

I do realise now that if i go ahead and send letters i could end up regretting it no matter what the reply or lack of replies are.

So i'm no just guessing he'll ignore his appearances in the future for court and just pay whatever is decided. which wouldn't really be fair on him but feck it, it hasn't been at all fair on me for the last 3 years. If he wants to act like that good luck to him. cos i'm beginning to realise finally that i'm not in the wrong and shouldn't be feeling or making myself feel like this all because of him. I'm wasting my life away worrying about the what-ifs. I have to stop that. It's not good at all.

volchitsa

Tinkerbell1608 wrote: »

good luck to him. cos i'm beginning to realise finally that i'm not in the wrong and shouldn't be feeling or making myself feel like this all because of him. I'm wasting my life away worrying about the what-ifs. I have to stop that. It's not good at all.

As you say, a person could waste their life away like that, and it's not worth it because there is so much else that could happen for good or ill.

Still, try not to turn that into a stick to beat yourself with either - just try to recognize when you're doing it, and tell yourself that you did the best you can, and that's all anyone can do, or indeed ask of you.

All the best, I'm sure you'll do great with your little girl, whatever you decide!

Sleepy

Just one thing to add to all the advice you've had on thread: don't forget about yourself in all of this. While it's easy to forget about your own wants, needs and dreams when you're busy 24/7 with a small child, it won't be long until she's in school and you've a bit of time to yourself again. If you're not already doing so, try to keep touch with your friends by more than just Facebook: have them over to yours if you can't join them in the pub on a Saturday night etc.

Give some thought as to how you might be able to use the time your daughter will be in school: would it let you get part-time work in the mornings? Go back to education? be the difference between being able to live on what's left of a salary after the childminder is paid? etc.

Never give up on having a happy life yourself because living entirely for, and through, your daughter isn't healthy for either of ye. Not all men are bastards, many are quite happy to date single mothers (I married one myself) and doing something for yourself a few hours/evenings a week isn't putting yourself first: it's showing your daughter that there's life outside of her home, that there's benefits to studying/working and that she isn't the centre of the universe (never a good thing to teach a child imo).

Tinkerbell1608

Till up until the start of this year it was all her, I hate relying on a payment each week. I want to work, but then there's child care which isn't going to leave much of a wage. Hopefully in the not too distant future I can work, I worked for 10 years before I had her and I miss it so much. Ideally I'd like full time, but realistically I may only be able to do part time! Either I'll be happy with!

But then he has to now provide half of what it takes to support her, so I may need to bring that towards the courts in the not too distant future to help with childcare costs while I get to go to work.

I try and get to keep in touch with people, my dad isn't a fan of having people here so I tend to bring her whenever I go see anyone. Usually we stay over, so it's a bit of time away from the usual routine.
I'm actually resigned to the fact I may never meet anyone, but that doesn't actually bother me. But if I do it's s bonus but it's not a priority in my life.
I actually feel happier in myself after reading all these posts. There is a light at the end of the big dark tunnel I've been traveling the last 3 years. Regret not actually doing this sooner!

eviltwin

Tinkerbell1608 wrote: »

Till up until the start of this year it was all her, I hate relying on a payment each week. I want to work, but then there's child care which isn't going to leave much of a wage. Hopefully in the not too distant future I can work, I worked for 10 years before I had her and I miss it so much. Ideally I'd like full time, but realistically I may only be able to do part time! Either I'll be happy with!

But then he has to now provide half of what it takes to support her, so I may need to bring that towards the courts in the not too distant future to help with childcare costs while I get to go to work.

I try and get to keep in touch with people, my dad isn't a fan of having people here so I tend to bring her whenever I go see anyone. Usually we stay over, so it's a bit of time away from the usual routine.
I'm actually resigned to the fact I may never meet anyone, but that doesn't actually bother me. But if I do it's s bonus but it's not a priority in my life.
I actually feel happier in myself after reading all these posts. There is a light at the end of the big dark tunnel I've been traveling the last 3 years. Regret not actually doing this sooner!

She's only 3, they are pretty much glued to you at that age. It WILL get easier. One of my friends had a baby in similar circumstances to you, she was living abroad and had no one to babysit, she never went out, couldn't work, things were pretty grim. Once her son started school she stared getting out and about and doing things for herself, started a volunteering position as a way of getting out of the house and that led to a job, she met someone through that and is now married with 3 children, her eldest is 10.

Your life is not over, you sound guilty in some ways, trying to be the best parent to make up for his shortcomings, you don't have to do that, you are entitled to have some fun yourself.

Set yourself a goal for 2015, she will probably be starting her ECCE in Sep so that will give you time to yourself - not much but its a start - think about what you want for you, try and organise something that will get you out of the house on your own even if its just for a walk or a run or something. You need to take care of your own mental health too. Do you have family and friends who would be willing to babysit for you, even to take her for a night every couple of weeks?

Tinkerbell1608

Yep she'll be starting in sept, it'll be great for her and me to be away from each other. She'll make little friends and hopefully I get some sort of work!

I do have some family that rarely look after her for me. Basically because they work full time and have no children of their own yet, so she wears them out well when they look after her. So they don't do it regularly, and I understand that, because work wears them out and on their day off if they take her they end up exhausted!
Sometimes I feel terrible for asking. Because that's their recharge day!

LegacyUser

Tinkerbell1608 wrote: »

Actually I'm now thinking of Leaving it the way it is at the moment... I think I just need to move on, and worry about the here and now and not the past and future. I like the way people on here have showed me different angles on this. And it makes so much sense to leave things be for now. She's happy healthy and well looked after.

I just feel he's had a very easy escape and not facing up to things but then at least he's now paying a bit towards her.

There is no way of knowing if his escape has been easy or not.... this is pure fantasy. It might be or he may be a zombie at the price of cutting off his own blood. One can't know.

You have a hard but peaceful life. If you talk to single parents, if you read this board from time to time, there is always a gamble. Some single parents get a long and others have a life of conflict, court cases, and relentless betrayals.

The fact is having been abandoned once, if he did come back, then unless he put in the work you will never trust him not to walk away again. The betrayal is too deep. If he does not have the maturity to truly face up to what has happened then his re entry in your lives is not only not worth it, but dangerous. If you rock this boat, you cannot predict the collatoral damage.

Plus you have not had the headspace to process it all so it will take a lot longer than if you had the time and headspace to move forward through this.

AS for your daughter, it is natural to wonder about your father. Maybe show her a picture and explain he is not in your lives and sometimes you have some bad luck and sometimes you have some good luck. Neither of you have any control over this, this was his decision.

HelgaWard

Hi, I saw this post of the Humans of New York FB page and it reminded me of your thread. It was accompanied by a photo of the lady. I can't post links, but if you go to the FB page you'll see it.

“I met my dad for the first time when I was fifteen. I visited him in Trinidad for two months during the summer. He met me at the airport and acted like he missed me more than anything else in the world. He ran up to me and lifted me in the air and started kissing me and saying how much he missed me. He carried all my luggage, and gave me money, and stopped by the supermarket on the way home to buy me all this food. He was introducing me to his friends like he was so proud of me. He’d say: ‘Look at my beautiful daughter,’ and things like that. It actually got me imagining how nice it would be to have a dad. Then at the end of the day, he dropped me off at my grandmother’s house, and I only saw him two or three times for the rest of the summer. The last night I was with him, he got really drunk, and he told me that I’d been a mistake. He was laughing when he said it, like it was a joke, and I should think it was funny. I pretended like it didn’t bother me, but it did. I thought: ‘So is that why you never wanted to visit or talk to me all these years?’”

Not all men make good Fathers, luckily your daughter has a devoted Mother and will be fine.Wishing you both all the best.

Al Capwned

HelgaWard wrote: »

Hi, I saw this post of the Humans of New York FB page and it reminded me of your thread. It was accompanied by a photo of the lady. I can't post links, but if you go to the FB page you'll see it.
.......Not all men make good Fathers, luckily your daughter has a devoted Mother and will be fine.Wishing you both all the best.

Here ya go.

Link to FB page.

DeltaWhite

OP I just want to say that this thread really broke my heart, I found it really hard to read all your responses because I'm sort of in a similar situation and I've tried ignoring it for 4 years and I really don't know if I can ignore it anymore..

My OH is you in our situation, long story short, he hooked up with a girl a few times, the inevitable happened and she became pregnant, she was 8 years older than him, he was only 20 at the time. He told her he would be there for the baby no problem but didn't want a relationship with her which is what she wanted.. So she soured and as they say your don't mess with a scorned woman.. After the christening, she again demanded a relationship and he said no. That was 6 years ago and he hasn't seen his child since. She upped and left and he has no idea where she is. She cancelled the direct debit from him being paid into her account for maintenance.

I don't speak about it with my OH. We might have spoken about it 3 times since I've been with him. I just don't know what to do about it. He is absolutely heartbroken everyday over it. I can see it in him. I tried to help him and printed off loads of info about getting her back because I love him with all my heart and was willing to go through this with him, and then he tells me that he was threatened by her family and is too afraid to do anything about it.

This thread has seriously hit a nerve with me because I worry so much about my future with him. If I have a child with him, it will have a half sister somewhere out there. Imagine she turns up at our door in 10 years time wanting to know why Daddy didn't fight for her? I just don't know what I would do.

I know this is not really my issue, it's his, but in your situation I do think in time you should definitely let his parents know. I see how heartbroken my OHs parents are that their first and only grandchild is not in their lives ever. Maybe never will be either.

I just want to say fair play to you OP, for keeping strong, you've been through a lot and still are going through a lot and I'm sending lots of hugs your way. Your daughter is lucky to have such a caring mammy. Keep your head up. I don't know how that guy can live with himself.

truedoom

would leave him out of it.

a person like that doesn't need to be around a child/

Tinkerbell1608

I'm actually dreading the day she wants to get in touch with him. I'm afraid she'll be left heart broken. But would it be right of me to tell her to stay away. She'll be curious one day and probably go against my wishes if i was against it. I don't want it to turn out to be something that drives her away from me.

I actually do feel i need to just inform his parents. I actually feel quite guilty they don't know of her.

Deenie123

Tinkerbell1608 wrote: »

I'm actually dreading the day she wants to get in touch with him. I'm afraid she'll be left heart broken. But would it be right of me to tell her to stay away. She'll be curious one day and probably go against my wishes if i was against it. I don't want it to turn out to be something that drives her away from me.

I actually do feel i need to just inform his parents. I actually feel quite guilty they don't know of her.

By the time she's old enough to independently track him down and make contact with him, she will be old enough for you to explain some of the more unpleasant details to her and prepare her for what may come of making contact.

But I would kind of agree with you about his parents, I know if my parents had a grandchild they didn't know about and subsequently found out existed they would be devastated. Maybe that's like your own family and how your own mum may have been? Maybe his parents would be, maybe they wouldn't be. Really it's up to you to do what you feel best with. Do you know them? Is there any way you can find out what type of people they are? Because while I think it's right that they should know about your little girl who is their own flesh and blood, if they're like her father at least you hold all the cards and can keep them out of the picture just by not contacting them for your daughter's benefit if you think they could be trouble

Big Bag of Chips

But what do you hope to achieve by telling them? I know I might sound heartless, but are you hoping that if they know about her it might force him to acknowledge her?

I honestly think you are better off leaving him to deal with his own family. Your daughter will he old enough to contact him herself someday. And then he can explain to his family why he ignored her and kept their grandchild from them for all those years.

I just think that now, at least you know where you stand. You know where your daughter is, who she's with and what she's being told. If you bring unknown people into the mix and you will lose a certain amount of control over what is explained to your daughter.

It might all work out for the best, it might not. That is a risk you have to weigh up yourself and decide which direction to take.

Tinkerbell1608

Very true. I don't know i think i just feel guilty that they never had a chance/choice to know about her.

I've done my own digging and i know about them a bit. And not at all how he would talk about them. He practically put them on their death bed while i was pregnant. Probably so i wouldn't contact them. I know now he was lying.

eviltwin

It's not something anyone else can answer for you. I would be inclined to give them a chance because they could be great people who would welcome your daughter with open arms. But that's easy for me to say. You have to protect yourself, you've been hurt enough. If you did decide to contact them you would want to be sure in yourself that he wasn't the driving force, that you were doing it independent of him, not to establish any contact with him. You don't want to put yourself in a position where he can hurt you all over again.