Mother or Father

tempnam

I honestly don't know what all the fuss is about anyway.

Every child is different, and every family situation is different.

However, I don't know why there's such pressure for everyone to accept that men & women (mothers & fathers) are equal when it comes to parenting....

Mothers carry the baby for 9 months, as the baby grows & develops inside them. In general, women have the correct nutrients to supply to their baby once it's born, through breast feeding.

Men and women are different, both physically and mentally. There is nothing wrong with this - it's a fact.

runawaybishop

tempnam wrote: »

I honestly don't know what all the fuss is about anyway.

Every child is different, and every family situation is different.

However, I don't know why there's such pressure for everyone to accept that men & women (mothers & fathers) are equal when it comes to parenting....

Mothers carry the baby for 9 months, as the baby grows & develops inside them. In general, women have the correct nutrients to supply to their baby once it's born, through breast feeding.

Men and women are different, both physically and mentally. There is nothing wrong with this - it's a fact.

I know what the fuss is about, allow me to enlighten you.

Some fathers take umbrage at sexist remarks that say they cannot look after their child as well as a woman or that their being the primary caregiver is not ideal.

eviltwin

tempnam wrote: »

I honestly don't know what all the fuss is about anyway.

Every child is different, and every family situation is different.

However, I don't know why there's such pressure for everyone to accept that men & women (mothers & fathers) are equal when it comes to parenting....

Mothers carry the baby for 9 months, as the baby grows & develops inside them. In general, women have the correct nutrients to supply to their baby once it's born, through breast feeding.

Men and women are different, both physically and mentally. There is nothing wrong with this - it's a fact.

Breastfeeding aside what special skills did carrying a baby give me that my husband wasn't gifted with?

sarkakos

Boys are very close to mothers and daughters are very close to fathers

runawaybishop

sarkakos wrote: »

Boys are very close to mothers and daughters are very close to fathers

Ah here. :rolleyes:

lazygal

sarkakos wrote: »

Boys are very close to mothers and daughters are very close to fathers

That is ridiculous. And completely untrue.

Big Bag of Chips

The topic seems to have moved away from who should get custody of a child in the case of separation, or how should access be divided. In an "ideal" family, mam and dad are both present so who does what doesn't really matter. Each parent has their own strengths that they can use and alternate between because they are both present.

We are talking about the case of separation, where both parents won't be on hand to do whatever each other is best at. The child will only have access to one parent at a time. So, even though mam might be "better" at soothing the baby, dad will have to figure out his own way.

Claiming that a child shouldn't be separated from it's mother because it's father won't sooth them as well as the mother can is ridiculous. I have a 6 year old who still looks for cuddles from me. What age does it become ok to let the father take the child? Do you wait until they are not so dependent on their mother for comfort? The longer the mother is seen as the best one to comfort the child, the longer the child will depend on the mother to be comforted, the longer it will be before the child can spend any amount of reasonable time building a relationship with their father.

Ideal circumstances are great.. But they are ideal. And not everyone lives in ideal situations. For those who don't live in ideal situations the child needs to get used to 2 separate parents, with 2 different ways of doing things.

No reason why one parent should be considered better than the other. Parents will do things differently. It doesn't mean one is better, or one is right and the other wrong. It just means they're different ways.

It took me 3 children to figure out my wasn't the right way, or the only way... It was just one way.

CelticRambler

lazygal wrote: »

Once again, proving the point I made many times that every scenario is different.

Fine. But on the balance of probabilities, half the time the "best" parent is likely to be the father.

I'm old-fashioned in this respect: I think children in general need two parents - one male, one female - because I don't believe men and women are equal in everything and that's a good thing. But when a child can't have both, and you take breast-feeding out of the equation, there are as many arguments in favour of paternal primary care as maternal.

tempnam

eviltwin wrote: »

Breastfeeding aside what special skills did carrying a baby give me that my husband wasn't gifted with?

I didn't say carrying a baby gives any mother any skill. But it does give a bond

Big Bag of Chips

I think it is very unfair on single mothers to try say that the father wouldn't be capable of looking after the baby. The bond with the mother will be there anyway, a day or overnight with the father isn't going to affect that. But it would go a, long way towards building the bond between father and child, and it would give the father the opportunity to be a father, rather than a visitor.

CelticRambler

Actually most research to date suggests that fresh-out-of-the-womb babies will bond with anyone (or anything) that gives it food and warmth. The nine months inside count for nothing, as far as the baby is concerned, and there are plenty of mothers who have trouble with/doubts about bonding with their offspring despite having carried it for nine months. As others have said above, most of the justification for mother > father is on the basis of "because that's the way it is" ... which leaves us (wanabee) primary carer fathers at a persistent disadvantage.

And it doesn't just apply to custody battles - it's the same argument that gets us suspicious looks if we dare to comfort a lost child in a park, or stops a solo child passenger being given a seat on a 'plane next to a man. Man with child = paedophile unless proven otherwise :mad: It's on days like that you feel like saying feckit and wearing a Matt Taylor shirt.

eviltwin

tempnam wrote: »

I didn't say carrying a baby gives any mother any skill. But it does give a bond

I know a lot of mothers, myself included who would disagree with you.

JanaMay

I'm really confused. Are we talking about a 6-month-old? (I thought that was was the OP asked) I haven't read 'the other thread'. (I thought we weren't supposed to drag things posted into other threads). I'd like to comment on this one and the OP's post.

Obviously, there are far too many variables. My children were breastfed until about 18 months. I was good at that, having boobs and all. My partner was great at all the other stuff. Neither of us have what might be considered issues that would prevent us from looking after a child alone, in the case of a break-up. They never slept away from us until they were over 21 months, also because I was breastfeeding.

Now that they're older, my partner is every bit as 'qualified' to be their primary caregiver as I am, and he often is (given that I can earn more than him in my job and so often work more than he does).

Could he have replaced me in those early weeks? Not according to WHO, he had no boobs, had different bonding times etc. If I'd had an addiction....YES... or even an illness...POSSIBLY...or if we'd decided to bottle feed... MAYBE. There are far too many variables, in my opinion it's pointless asking such a general question and I really didn't think that it was allowed to point out things mentioned in other threads.

Big Bag of Chips

This thread was started as a spin off to another thread and the opinions people had there. Continuing the debate on that thread would have been off topic. This way we could discuss/question/debate things that were said on the other thread.

JanaMay

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

This thread was started as a spin off to another thread and the opinions people had there. Continuing the debate on that thread would have been off topic. This way we could discuss/question/debate things that were said on the other thread.

Ok thanks, maybe I should read the other thread so. There are so many references to it here.

Tasden

Honestly imo a baby only needs practical basics like food/warmth/hygiene, etc. and love. Doesn't matter if they bond with mam or dad or if they have one house or two. Or anything else like that. As long as whoever is caring for them is providing them with love and attention I don't see a problem. If a baby/child feels loved and secure it really doesn't matter who is providing that. As they get older they can express what they would prefer and the parents can work around that.

tempnam

eviltwin wrote: »

I know a lot of mothers, myself included who would disagree with you.

Good for you.

I'm sure there are plenty who would agree with me also.

Which proves my original point. We're all different and can really only speak for our own circumstances.

eviltwin

tempnam wrote: »

Good for you.

I'm sure there are plenty who would agree with me also.

Which proves my original point. We're all different and can really only speak for our own circumstances.

No need to patronize me Tempnam. Of course there are differences. My point is that there is no naturally right way to parent and gender doesn't make one parent better than the other.

OldNotWIse

tempnam wrote: »

I didn't say carrying a baby gives any mother any skill. But it does give a bond

I'm sure my parents, who love my adopted brother as much as they love me, would disagree with you.