hen party - Sister in Law not coming

snoopy29

Hi folks,

Just looking for some opinions, I'm having my hen party in December and my SIL has said she cant come to it because she's meeting other friends for drinks that night. I'm quite upset as I thought we got on well and the friends she is meeting up with are people she would see regularly enough. My MIL has told her its ok not to go to my hen because I didn't go to both of her hens. She had two hen parties, I went to the "family" hen and stayed overnight in a hotel and did spa treatments etc. but I didn't go to the second one.

We had originally booked tickets tonight to go to a show and now they are saying this is the "family hen". None of my family have been invited though and I never wanted a second hen. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable here and they are making an effort. I was invited to tonight's show by the MIL months ago, which I don't really want to go to but in the interests of family in law harmony I agreed to go to. She then said she'd give me back the money for my ticket and it would be my birthday present and now all of a sudden its turned into a second "family hen" evening.

Am I wrong to be upset?

Michael D Not Higgins

Jeez this seems a mess of miscommunication. Their family tradition seems to be one night for the family and one night for the friends. The MIL inviting you to the show was the implication that that night would be the family night.

I'd say you are right to be upset, however you should have made it clear at the start that the one night is all you would be having.

snoopy29

well was originally invited to the show months ago before we had even planned to get married just as a normal night out. I wasn't entirely bothered about going but like I said, trying to forge relations etc. Then my MIL said she'd pay me back the money for my ticket for my birthday present and then we booked the wedding and the hen obviously. Then the night out became a "family hen" night.

indigo twist

Are you extremely close to this sister-in-law to-be?

If you're close to her, tell her you're upset.

If you're not very close to her ... why on earth is it a problem?!

snoopy29

There's a bit more to this story I guess.....we were supposed to get married a few years ago but at the time his sister also got engaged and booked her wedding and it was suggested two family weddings in the one Summer was too much so ours got pushed back. This was why I didn't want to go to her hen as I was upset about this at the time but my OH said it was her night, suck it up and put a smile on your face, which I did but I drew the line at a second hen party and said my duty was done by attending one event.

CelticRambler

You're going to be seeing her/them regularly for the next few decades, and probably on your wedding day too :rolleyes: so I really wouldn't worry about who does or doesn't go out on this particular night.

Michael D Not Higgins

snoopy29 wrote: »

well was originally invited to the show months ago before we had even planned to get married just as a normal night out. I wasn't entirely bothered about going but like I said, trying to forge relations etc. Then my MIL said she'd pay me back the money for my ticket for my birthday present and then we booked the wedding and the hen obviously. Then the night out became a "family hen" night.

So it was a birthday present before you were planning the wedding? Now it's a family hen night too? Sounds like she's wrapped up all her pre-wedding obligations nicely into one package. Nice for her.

Honestly I think your problem is with MIL rather than SIL. Next thing you know she'll buy you a drink and earmark it as your Christmas present too.

snoopy29

LOL

MayoAreMagic

Yes they are wrong. The mother knows her daughter should go on your hen, and is trying to force this second one onto you, so it cant be said that the daughter didn't go to your hen, when she never actually did. The daughter didn't even care enough to come up with an excuse as to why she couldn't go. They sound like a nice pair.

But is it worth making an issue of? You have seen that they are the type to close ranks when they feel the need - there is your lesson learned. You are going to be in close quarters with these people for the foreseeable future. I don't see a point in making a big thing of it, but at the same time, never be convinced that they haven't acted poorly on this matter.

Curlysue76

To be honest I don't really see why you're so upset. You invited your sil out for a night, she for whatever reason, doesn't want to go. It's your hen night but maybe to her it's just a night out. Instead she is going out tonight with you and family to see a show. She is paying for your ticket and they are calling it a "family hen". It's just a night out. I'm guessing the show, a few drinks and maybe some food. It's not like she's not making any effort.

snoopy29

I understand CurlySue, I put up the post because I am upset but dunno if this is just me being overly sensitive.

looksee

Why is the MiL interfering in the hens anyway? Its up to the bride and bridesmaids to sort that. Let her busybody into the Stag for her son if need be, but you will have to think faster than her if she is not to take over your life.

Tell her that the hen is in December, you are happy to have bought a ticket for the show and will leave the paying arrangement as it is. Just don't take on board any of this family hen stuff, it may be her family's custom but it isn't and does not have to be yours. If she queries it just say, oh I am just having the one hen, I'd like my friends to meet my sisters/cousins etc. Ignore the sister in laws's childishness, don't criticise it, don't get annoyed. And leave it at that.

MayoAreMagic

snoopy29 wrote: »

There's a bit more to this story I guess.....we were supposed to get married a few years ago but at the time his sister also got engaged and booked her wedding and it was suggested two family weddings in the one Summer was too much so ours got pushed back. This was why I didn't want to go to her hen as I was upset about this at the time but my OH said it was her night, suck it up and put a smile on your face, which I did but I drew the line at a second hen party and said my duty was done by attending one event.

Actually after reading this bit I would say the daughter was upset that you didn't go and is now not going to yours. And the mother is just trying to smooth things over to avoid any conflict. You didn't go to hers, she isn't going to yours, that makes you even so best thing would be to let it be after that.

Curlysue76

If your sil doesn't want to go to hen night but feels obliged to go it might put an awkward atmosphere on the whole night for you. She is your OH's sister, I think i'd be more upset if it was your sister or good friend. Maybe her saying she's going out with other people is a lie and she has other reasons for not going. Expense, perhaps.

snoopy29

Well when I went to her "family hen" I didn't know there was going to be a second hen at the time.

JohnDx

Call off the wedding all together, there's going to be loads a trouble if ya don't and give the sister n'law a punch in the face for me.

lukesmom

snoopy29 wrote: »

I understand CurlySue, I put up the post because I am upset but dunno if this is just me being overly sensitive.

They sound pretty controlling to be honest. Personally I would pull a sickie tonight but that's probably not the right thing to do considering you will as others have mentioned, be seeing these people in close contact for the foreseeable future. I just hate game playing and it sounds like your future MIL loves it.

snoopy29

My plan was to grin and bare tonight, but if something is brought up I will say I'm very disappointed she isn't coming and leave it at that. I think that's acceptable?

Curlysue76

I would go tonight, try to have fun. Let your sil know she is still very welcome to come to your "hen night". Subtly letting her know tonight is not your hen night. This way you are doing your bit for them and being the bigger person. If she says she still isn't going to your hen night just go out and have a great time. She'll be the one missing out. I really wouldn't lose any sleep over her or your mil.

Curlysue76

snoopy29 wrote: »

My plan was to grin and bare tonight, but if something is brought up I will say I'm very disappointed she isn't coming and leave it at that. I think that's acceptable?

That sounds very acceptable. Good luck for the wedding.

skallywag

OP, it sounds to me that you are not particularly gone on this person in any case, i.e. you mention that you went to her own hen just out of a sense of duty. So why are you at all bothered that she is not coming to yours?

snoopy29

I admittedly bore a grudge against her because our wedding was cancelled in favour of hers. I let this go of this and was trying to make a new relationship with her as we have bought a house very close to where she lives and she now has a little boy who I love spending time with. I live far away from my own family and I think I was upset because I thought they were my "new substitute" family but this made me realise they are not my family and will always stick together themselves.

stargazer 68

snoopy29 wrote: »

My plan was to grin and bare tonight, but if something is brought up I will say I'm very disappointed she isn't coming and leave it at that. I think that's acceptable?

Exactly. I think you need to pick your battles here OP because I have a feeling there will be more down the line with your SIL/MIL

MayoAreMagic

snoopy29 wrote: »

My plan was to grin and bare tonight, but if something is brought up I will say I'm very disappointed she isn't coming and leave it at that. I think that's acceptable?

Well in fairness, what difference would knowing there was going to be a second hen or not have made? You said you were annoyed that your wedding was put back, and so you felt your obligation was paid and chose not to attend the second. So really, when you found out about the second one didn't make a difference - in your mind your obligation was paid. But it wasn't her fault that the family didn't want 2 weddings so close together either, was it? So why punish her for that? That is probably why she was upset, Im sure the MIL knows this, as I am sure she understands that you were a little upset too. She is now trying to resolve this situation. The truth is you probably should have gone to her hen, it caused her pain that you didnt, this is her retaliation. Leave it at that. The MIL will see you handled it well and it will work in your favour. Going on the attack again saying you are very disappointed isn't going to help matters. If it is mentioned say 'ah she must have been busy' and change the subject. Ever heard the saying, 'an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind'? Sniping back and over will only make it worse.

bcklschaps

Just as well ye didn't have a big double summer wedding ? these clowns would have wrecked the head off ya.

Probably in the interest of keeping the peace .. its better to go this 'BS' tonight ... and accept that you SIL is still smarting from your no-show at her Hen party earlier in the Summer. If you get the chance though give her a (methaphorical) kick in the Cooter about how you would rather have had just one Hen party... where EVERYBODY attended instead of this two part messing.

snoopy29

Fair enough, seems like sound advice

MayoAreMagic wrote: »

Well in fairness, what difference would knowing there was going to be a second hen or not have made? You said you were annoyed that your wedding was put back, and so you felt your obligation was paid and chose not to attend the second. So really, when you found out about the second one didn't make a difference - in your mind your obligation was paid. But it wasn't her fault that the family didn't want 2 weddings so close together either, was it? So why punish her for that? That is probably why she was upset, Im sure the MIL knows this, as I am sure she understands that you were a little upset too. She is now trying to resolve this situation. The truth is you probably should have gone to her hen, it caused her pain that you didnt, this is her retaliation. Leave it at that. The MIL will see you handled it well and it will work in your favour. Going on the attack again saying you are very disappointed isn't going to help matters. If it is mentioned say 'ah she must have been busy' and change the subject. Ever heard the saying, 'an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind'? Sniping back and over will only make it worse.

snoopy29

BTW her hen party was 4 years ago

Curlysue76

snoopy29 wrote: »

BTW her hen party was 4 years ago

Probably time for everyone to move on then......

skallywag

Any chance you can ask her if she wants to head out for a few drinks some evening and bury the hatchet over a few glasses of wine etc? I am assuming you have never discussed your disappointment at postponing your wedding with her, and if she is any way reasonable she should be able to understand that?

snoopy29

Sounds like a good plan

MayoAreMagic

snoopy29 wrote: »

BTW her hen party was 4 years ago

So what does that say about how much it upset her?

Sometimes you just have to try to draw a line under things like this. I think you now know you maybe should have gone at the time. So you made a mistake. Let her make hers back and then try to move on. In the future you could say to her that you are sorry you never attended her hen but that you had your heart set on having your wedding then too and you were upset. I would bet she says the same back and that will be it over with. And if she didn't, well then your conscience would be clear and you had done the right thing.

kkcatlou

snoopy29 wrote: »

BTW her hen party was 4 years ago

So you were bitter because your wedding was postponed, but still waited over 4 years to set a new date?! Seriously?! If you were that bitter, would you not have just set a date for 6 months later?

We can just see your side of it all here. You say you were bitter/ put out. How did you react? Did she know this? Did you sulk, make digs, get upset? If so, and even if you have made efforts to make this up, having your own hen now is likely to bring all of this back up with the SIL. If she remembers you acting out cos of her hen, she is likely to just want to avoid yours altogether, even if things have improved since then. Us women have long memories...

That said, it does sound quite petty and it does sound like the MIL is trying to smooth things over. I think the above suggestion of drinks out between you and the SIL where you try to bury the hatchet is a good one - although maybe wait til after the wedding. She is going to be a huge part of your life for the rest of your life, so you want to get along with her!

Mistress Meeker

I'm with Dovies on this one. Pick your battles carefully. Put on your best smile tonight and get it over with. Don't worry too much about your SIL not making your hen do in December, you'll probably have a better night without her being there.

snoopy29

No it wasn't because I was bitter we didn't get married, jeez I'm not that much of a cow! We both then lost our jobs in the following months, ended up moving back to our parents in Armagh and Dublin as we had no jobs and then eventually moved North a few years ago, where I have found it hard to settle, that's why the wedding wasn't replanned.

She never knew I was upset, my OH never told his family about this and I never said anything to her about it.

I do want to get on with her and I thought we were. When we bought our house a few months ago she was telling everyone how happy she was we would live nearby and her son would know his uncle etc. I guess when I moved to Belfast I did consider her a friend but the whole family knew I was very lonely up here and no one ever asked me to meet for a cup of tea or go for a walk etc. I would have done this for her if she had moved to Dublin and knew no one.

kkcatlou wrote: »

So you were bitter because your wedding was postponed, but still waited over 4 years to set a new date?! Seriously?! If you were that bitter, would you not have just set a date for 6 months later?

We can just see your side of it all here. You say you were bitter/ put out. How did you react? Did she know this? Did you sulk, make digs, get upset? If so, and even if you have made efforts to make this up, having your own hen now is likely to bring all of this back up with the SIL. If she remembers you acting out cos of her hen, she is likely to just want to avoid yours altogether, even if things have improved since then. Us women have long memories...

That said, it does sound quite petty and it does sound like the MIL is trying to smooth things over. I think the above suggestion of drinks out between you and the SIL where you try to bury the hatchet is a good one - although maybe wait til after the wedding. She is going to be a huge part of your life for the rest of your life, so you want to get along with her!

Milly33

She sounds like an absolute "Dose" to put it nicely and it sounds like you are the bigger person here..

Very sad to hear but some women are just like this... I would try and be the bigger person and leave her at it.

I know it is upsetting that she is not going but it sounds like you are better off not having her there anyway.. Any person who uses an excuse like that for not going, again sorry but it sounds like she is getting a semi dig in there by saying she is going for everyday drinks with the friends she meets everyday...

Maybe after a few drinks on the hen night too, you might be a little bit more chatting about how things went down and she could go off on one, and ruin the night.. Sod her, let her call whatever night they want to call "the family hen" but be sure not to go out of your way to accommodate them just got to the show night and walk away..

And then spell her name wrong on the wedding invite and give her a bad seat at reception by a drafty door!! Ohhh vengence

Barely There

snoopy29 wrote: »

I admittedly bore a grudge against her because our wedding was cancelled in favour of hers.

No - you and your fiancé decided to cancel your own wedding (by 4 years apparently). Nobody forced you to.
If someone from your MIL's side of the family suggested you should cancel your wedding they should have been politely told to PFO
It sounds like you didn't stand up for yourselves and are now blaming your SIL for this.

On the issue of her not attending your hen - why would you want to force someone who doesn't want to be there to attend? Especially if it seems you hold some kind of grudge against her anyway.

snoopy29

I don't want her to come now, I was merely asking for people's opinions if I was right to be upset or not. I thought she was a friend/family that's all and I understand that people are busy, specially with the time of year and Christmas parties etc. and some of my own relations cant make it due to work etc. and that's fine. Just felt like it was a complete "eff you" that she wasn't bothered cancelling her own plans to attend this, that's all.

Am just a bit hurt by it, not looking to come across as a cow or anything else.

Mistress Meeker

For your sake, you need to be the bigger person. I wouldn't appear to be bothered by her no show at your hen do. If you appear bothered or bring it up, she will probably think she has "got one up" against you. I would carry on like nothing has happened. She sounds a bit like my SIL TBH. Nice as pie to start with but as the years have gone by she has pulled some "stunts" but I chose to rise above them. Most recent thing she did was to delete me as a friend from facebook. Pretty lame as I only post family related events abount my kids for my friends and family to see. Thankfully, she lives in the UK so don't have to see her very often.

NormalBob Ubiquitypants

You should really p*ss her off and say you are having a second hen only for people from Boards.ie who have provided you with support and advice over the years. I for one would be game.

snoopy29

LOL

MayoAreMagic

snoopy, if you want to resolve this fully, then ignore any talk of one-ups or point scoring, or narky, passive aggressive comments or behaviour. Because when you score a point, she will look for one back, and on and on, and in the meantime your family life suffers. Where does that end? You are living near this woman, and she is your family, so why make an enemy out of her over something that frankly, isn't worth it? I mean it is a hen do at the end of the day, does it matter that much? Playing games is for kids, and the person who choses not to play, but instead addresses things reasonably and honestly is the one who ultimately can keep their head held high. Accept that you probably hurt her by not going, accept that it was you and your fiance's decision to postpone your wedding, not hers. Accept that in her mind she is only getting even and that in truth she is probably thinking in a very similar way that you are. This doesn't need to be an issue, so why make it one?

fro9etb8j5qsl2

snoopy29 wrote: »

I don't want her to come now, I was merely asking for people's opinions if I was right to be upset or not. I thought she was a friend/family that's all and I understand that people are busy, specially with the time of year and Christmas parties etc. and some of my own relations cant make it due to work etc. and that's fine. Just felt like it was a complete "eff you" that she wasn't bothered cancelling her own plans to attend this, that's all.

Am just a bit hurt by it, not looking to come across as a cow or anything else.

I agree that she should make the effort to go. Is there any chance that she doesn't realise how important it is to you? (some people can be innocently self absorbed and actually don't have a clue how selfish their actions come across) Or is she the type of person who would not go just to spite you? If it's the latter then I wouldn't bother if I were you, I'd just bite my tongue and get on with it. If it's the former then I'd have a gentle chat with her and just tell her how disappointed I am that she won't be there. I also don't think your MIL should be interfering but like some other posters have said, you should choose your battles wisely. However, be sure to let your OH know how upset you are over the whole thing and tell him you won't be putting up with this sort of crap from his family in future.

HiGlo

Completely agree with looksee. I think if you don’t want a “family hen” with the in-laws (and your own family missing), then don’t. Just let them know you’ll pay for your own ticket and that you hadn’t intended a family hen, perhaps point out to them that your family won’t be present.
Shame about your SIL but it’s prob a little touch of you reep what you sow. You didn’t go to one of hers (in her mind) so she’ll skip one of yours – while she assumes you’ll have a second.
Don’t stress about it. Christmas nights out can be precious to people (I know for me it can be hard to get a gang together at Christmas time) so I can understand she doesn’t want to cancel.

If you are trying to forge relations perhaps suggest to her that just you and her try have a night out together over the Christmas so she can see you’re not put out and still keen to get to know her better……..

Milly33

Your dead right to be upset with her!! but just don't hold the grudge.....

eviltwin

Why does it matter so much if she is there? I was at a hen's where the btb's sil didn't attend. They are not very close and she wasn't missed. If you make it a big deal it will be a big deal. Just enjoy your night with the people who will be there. Its not work all that stress.

SarahJ

I'm with most people, don't let it get to you too much. Yes, its cr*p that she can't come, but look, she's the one that's missing out on it, and if she is not going to get 1 up, then that's her own problem.
I would get rid of this Family Hen wording, as it seems maybe its just being called this to make her feel better that shes not attending your actual hen?
At the end of the day, you have to get along with each other long after all this hen business, so just rise above and enjoy yourself

Gatica

Milly33 wrote: »

Any person who uses an excuse like that for not going, again sorry but it sounds like she is getting a semi dig in there by saying she is going for everyday drinks with the friends she meets everyday..

I agree with the above, and think this bit is what would put me off wanting to have here there in the first place.

She could've come up with a better excuse other than drinks with friends not to attend a hen. A hen is supposed to be a one-time event, same as the wedding. However, if she really couldn't be arsed to come to your hen over something she could do any week with her friends, then all the more reason not to have her there. She'd only sour the atmosphere, so just have fun at your hen and forget about her.

Yes, it is upsetting that 4 years later she is still getting back at you (if that's the case), but if you let it show, then (if she really is trying to get a dig in) she'll only be happy that it succeeded. For your own sake, let it go with respect to her.

The MIL shouldn't be interfering in this. Turning a completely different event into an all-in package is ridiculous IMO. If they didn't want to give you birthday present and just want to give you money back for your ticket as a present, it's a bit pathetic. Now turning it into a hen?! If it was me, I'd say don't worry about the birthday present, I wanted a night out with my in-law family anyway and smile. You don't have to lie and say you wanted to go, but you did want to do it to keep the peace. As wrt it being a hen, just say one night out is enough for you and you don't want any more fuss over it. Don't mention it any more though and leave it at that.

If at some stage in the future you and your SIL end up have a tete-a-tete over a glass of wine where you're both relaxed and enjoying each-other's company, you could say that you missed her at your hen and it's a shame she couldn't make it but don't make it sound like you're blaming her, also apologise for not having made her second hen and say you regretted it. Personally I would find it difficult to get into a situation of "clearing the air" with someone who was hostile towards me, as I don't think it would work as it was intended and would only tense up the relationship more, but that's just me. Play it by ear.

Also, this is something you should discuss with your OH. If he's a mummy's boy, it may be difficult for you in the future as if he "closes ranks", as you said, with his family against you, you could be on your own. You guys need to be a team; he doesn't need to take sides, but he needs to at the very least understand your feelings and why you are upset.

PinkLemonade

I don't mean to play devils advocate but maybe she's really looking forward to that night with her friends, maybe she doesn't see them all that regularly? She could also not want to be in her own at your hen? It might be a lot more innocent and just a little selfish rather then revenge?

tinkerbell

Tbh, you cannot hold a grudge that you had to postpone your wedding due to your SIL. The only people you can hold a grudge against is yourself and fiancé because you two made the decision to postpone it. I wouldn't have postponed my wedding just because my SIL was also getting married around the same time.

Did you go on the night out? If the SIL doesn't want to go to your hen, then ignore it. That's her problem. Life's too short to be letting unnecessary drama upset your wedding plans.

Mrs OBumble

Two hens? Is the celtic tiger back or something???

kandr10

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

Two hens? Is the celtic tiger back or something???

Apparently it is on it's way!

I was asked by two friends to go to two. One abroad and one away . One friend was really possed that no one could go abroad the other didn't care. The second hen was a night out in Dublin for both.