Grieving alone

LegacyUser

4 years ago we lost our baby boy - he was born premature at 26 weeks and didn't make it.

Neither did the relationship - we broke up a year later.

It was his birthday yesterday. I had texted his mum at the start of the week as I always do this time of year just to acknowledge, say hello, you are in my thoughts etc - No reply this year

No texts from my family

1 text from a friend -

I know it's 4 years and maybe I'm expecting too much - just seems to cut a bit deeper all of a sudden when you feel that alone with it. I can blink sometimes and it feels exactly like it did 4 years ago

CaraMay

I'm sorry for your loss op. I can't imagine how hard it is for you.

Diane Selwyn

Sorry for the loss of your son op. I've come to believe 2 things about grief - that time doesn't heal so much as change the way experience your loss, and that everyone deals differently with their memories and emotions. Some people find it comforting to go to the cemetery or in some other way mark an anniversary while others would prefer not to or don't feel they want to mark it differently to any other day when they miss their loved one. I also suspect that some people are reluctant to bring up the subject of an anniversary because they feel very awkward or think they might only cause you upset by doing so. I personally think it's nice to dedicate time for your own little private rituals and I'm sure your family would be happy to talk about your experience as well once you take the lead in initiating the conversation.

banie01

Op, my thoughts are with you.

December2012

Do you talk about your baby? Do they know the date and how you feel? It may be that people don't know what to say. It's not really something you can send a text about.

I am very sorry for your loss.

LegacyUser

hi there, 'im going un-reg for this i don't know why really.

we lost a little lad nearly 5 years ago born at 25 weeks, lived for 2 weeks. my wife and i are still together and i can only imagine how hard it is to deal with this on your own.

people hardly ever talk about our boy or mention him. if i bring him up my closest friends turn their heads away. they cant cope with it it seems, god love them, ha?

still that's life and death i suppose. its strange but the last few months have been the hardest since the immediate aftermath of his death. it just seems to come and go, the overwhelming since of loss.

every year my wife has a mass said for our lad, his name is called out in the church and the handful of old woman there pray for him. I'm an atheist but my wife is a catholic, but you know nothing makes me happier then for his name to be called out in public and his life acknowledged once a year.

if you are a person of faith i recommended it. if not next year maybe but an acknowledgement in the local paper on his anniversary. it may not make since to other people but it will to you.

Tombo2001

I remember a friend of ours a few years back lost a baby like this; they named her, they had a proper funeral for her, they talked about her as a person a lot - that is to say they mentioned her name a lot - and by doing that they got other people used to the idea of talking about the little baby as a person rather than as an abstract notion. I suppose they got other people comfortable with the idea of talking about their child. I don't know if this was deliberate on their part, but that's how they dealt with it. OP, talk to people, talk to someone you trust about it; if you wait for people to come to you about it, my guess is that they won't, as that sort of conversation pushes people out of their comfort zone. There are grief counsellors you can talk to, if immediate family and friends don't engage on it. You are grieving for your child on your own, you need to share that.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, first of all I'm very sorry for the loss of your son and for the grief you have been suffering. I understand what you mean when you say it cuts that bit deeper when you feel alone with your grief, but if you think about it, grief is a very personal experience. We've all experienced it and we've all had that initial support from people attending the removal and the funeral but they all disperse and we're left alone with our grief.
I have not experienced what you went through OP, but I have buried a loved one. I have children who don't ever want to discuss their loss with me, their grief is expressed alone, they don't even share their loss with each other. When it comes to birthdays and anniversarys they don't want to be reminded of the occasion. It's their way to recover, not to forget.....they'll never forget, but to grieve in their own personal way and I too want them to recover and get their lives back.

Have you considered that the text you sent your former partner may have caused many tears but that there was no reason to reply, that your text captured it all. In the same manner, have you considered that your family may have been trying to be considerate by not upsetting you, knowing that you certainly don't need to be reminded of his birthday and to give you the space you need. Don't think that because people don't discuss or text it's because they don't think you are hurting, it's the complete opposite in fact, they probably feel uncomfortable because they know you are deeply upset at his loss.

I myself found an outlet for my own grief, I've created a blog just for myself where I write letters to my beloved expressing my own feelings for them, it's a suggestion as a way you could focus your grief and fondly capture your feelings for your little son.

dixiefly

Dont want to leave it wrote: »

4 years ago we lost our baby boy - he was born premature at 26 weeks and didn't make it.

Neither did the relationship - we broke up a year later.

It was his birthday yesterday. I had texted his mum at the start of the week as I always do this time of year just to acknowledge, say hello, you are in my thoughts etc - No reply this year

No texts from my family

1 text from a friend -

I know it's 4 years and maybe I'm expecting too much - just seems to cut a bit deeper all of a sudden when you feel that alone with it. I can blink sometimes and it feels exactly like it did 4 years ago

Hi, I hope that you are doing ok. Are you sure that your ex has the same phone because it does happen that people get new phones at work etc. It could be that she has another child and wants to now focus on that child. She could have a jealous hubby that doesn't want any interaction with her and the ex.

I am not at all experienced in this but I was wondering if there was some place that you could express the emotion that seems to be still bottled up inside.

Next year it will be 5 years. Could you use that as a focus for something and plan it. Perhaps plant a tree or is there somewhere where you can sponsor a plaque or remembrance of some kind.

If you come up with an idea or two it would allow you the opportunity to contact the ex and your and her family about doing something and creating some permanent to assist in your and your ex's grieving.

farmchoice

hi OP
i don't know if you still read this board but if you do i just want you to know that i am thinking of you this week.
i have never forgotten this thread from last year and as someone who lost a premature baby your story really touched me.

like all of us I'm sure you imagine what he would be like and all the stages he would be going through.

anyway take care this week and keep the chin up, you are in mine and my families thoughts.