Kids won't see Dad over Xmas

Shadylou

I'm sorry if this come off as a bit of a rant but I'm so angry:mad:
My ex has just dropped my 2 kids aged 10 and 3 back to me and informed me that he won't be taking them on the sat night in 2 weeks time cos he's going up the North to spend Xmas week with his girlfriend and daughter in their home and won't be back down until 2nd January.
My kids are devastated they won't see their dad for the whole of Xmas and I don't know what to say to them. Also my daughter just said to me that he kept calling her by the girlfriends daughters name

Shadylou

i ended my long term relationship 18 months ago but we remained on good terms for the sake of the kids. It was amicable enough ( I had a lot of issues with his family)we both realised the relationship had run its course and we both still had a lot of respect for each other even if we didn't like each other very much.
Our son was only 18 months at the time so he just got on with things but our daughter who was 8 took it very badly and the school referred us to a counsellor who has really helped her.
My ex takes the kids every Friday night and every second Saturday night and has been very good with them and with paying maintenance.
We are both in relationships with other people now, he has been in a long distance relationship for the past 8 months while I have been seeing someone for 3 months and up til now it hasn't been an issue, the kids have come first.
When my ex was bringing the kids home today he informed me that he was going to stay with his girlfriend for Christmas and new year and wouldn't see our kids but he can Skype them Xmas morning when they are opening their presents!!
I am fuming with him as the kids are really upset and also my daughter told me that over the weekend he called her by the girlfriends daughters name twice ( they are nothing alike!!)
I feel like he's moving on and leaving my kids behind....I don't want to argue with him over this but I do think it's out of line
I also work in a hotel and Xmas and new year are very busy times for me, he helped out with childcare a lot last year and I am going to be really stuck for babysitters this year now, he always saved his annual leave for Xmas for this reason.

Ann84

Do you guys have a formal arrangement for holidays/ birthdays?
If he takes them every Friday and every second Saturday, is that enough...?

I suggest ye go to mediation and draw up a calendar for not just the normal week but also for occasions like birthdays and Xmas, Easter etc...
I'm in a share parenting arrangement and our calendar stops a world of arguments, I know exactly when I have my daughter and when she's with her dad so I can plan in advance and so can he.
Unfortunately you can't rely on your ex for childcare unless ye agree it, otherwise he is going to make his own plans.
If your working a lot, could he take them for a week and give you a break?
Will he take them every second Xmas? If you don't want him to move on from your kids, you have to give him some special occasions too.
My daughter is with her dad this Xmas (we do every second year) and while I don't like it, it's good for her and him!

We already have next years calendar agreed... For the whole year!

Just a suggestion but it just sounds like your arrangement is still a bit too loose possibly?

Shadylou

We are going to mediation in January because he wants to change the arrangement to have them on Monday and Tuesday but I think it's too disruptive to their school routine to do that, my daughter would have a 40 minute drive to school and back instead of a 10 minute walk.
My ex had them for Halloween but I went along to see them trick or treating and we agreed that I'd have them on Xmas but it would be the same arrangement as last year where he would call first thing in the morning to see them opening their presents and he would take them out on Boxing Day while I'm working and he would take them a few more times over the holidays I even gave him a copy of my roster so he could plan things out

cloud493

Its certainly very insensitive of him. Could you possibly get in touch with him and ask him why he's doing what he's doing? Maybe he could come and see them on christmas eve, or make an extra special effort for christmas day?

pwurple

Oh that's so sad. But, they won't be the only ones. Families with dads in the armed services, or pilots, or emergency workers, doctors and nurses often don't see one parent either over christmas.

All you can do (apart from taking it up with him in private), is distract them as best you can. Keep them very very busy and make sure they know when they will see him next.

Shadylou

Unfortunately he has already made a lot plans with them for the Xmas period including taking them ice skating and to the cinema.
I work a lot over Xmas and my ex always keeps his annual leave to help with childcare so I'm really stuck for babysitters as well as the kids disappointment.
I'm so annoyed with him for doing this to them

Ann84

Then all I can advise is that you call him on it... Try to get an emergency mediation session in as soon as and explain that this is not on...
Agreements are agreements and if he can't stick to the plan then how does he see this situation play out in the longer term.
Either way it sounds like you are going to have to try to get some support for yourself as he doesn't sound very reliable at the moment
😥

Shadylou

I have a feeling he will move in with his girlfriend after Xmas, she lives 5 hours drive from us so I don't know how this is going to work out for us if he does.
His mother rang last night to talk to me about what's going on and offered to help with the kids over Xmas which was nice of her especially as we don't get on very well. She sounded fairly annoyed with him too for doing this to them.
The reason things were never formally written down was because we believed we could be friendly and respect each other and there was no reason but now I know that's crap and I should have gotten things done formally last year to avoid this situation

superstepmom2b

Shadylou wrote: »

Unfortunately he has already made a lot plans with them for the Xmas period including taking them ice skating and to the cinema.
I work a lot over Xmas and my ex always keeps his annual leave to help with childcare so I'm really stuck for babysitters as well as the kids disappointment.
I'm so annoyed with him for doing this to them

I think for the ten year old in particular it must be very difficult as in her eyes daddy is spending Christmas with someone else's child. Or is girlfriends daughter his.

Christmas I think is a difficult time overall and one where both parents need to put their child first, makes it even more difficult when one has plans so far away.

Depending on where the girlfriend lives could he not come down one of the days to spend a few hours with them. It's this time of year that sticks in their heads more then ever, he may be a little blind to that.

Perhaps suggest setting up a Skype call on Christmas day so he can see and speak to them? Really he should be suggesting these options, that still shouldn't stop you from doing what you can.

In terms of babysitting etc, he's not a babysitter but all the same you deserve a break too. But if he's taking this as a holiday there's little you can do. Could his family or yours help out?

Sparkles78

This sounds like my ex. Finished a LTR 1 year ago and he's moving in with his gf and 2 young kids this week. I don't get a say as to the days he takes our son. Its usually 1 night at the weekend and with Christmas coming up he's told me he has to work most of it so basically he cant take him much over the holidays.
I think getting proper access & maintenance set up is the way forward here. I don't want to go this route as we get on quite well most of the time too but he basically gets to call the shots so I don't know where I am one day to the next.
Good luck

_Kaiser_

Shadylou wrote: »

Unfortunately he has already made a lot plans with them for the Xmas period including taking them ice skating and to the cinema.
I work a lot over Xmas and my ex always keeps his annual leave to help with childcare so I'm really stuck for babysitters as well as the kids disappointment.
I'm so annoyed with him for doing this to them

At the risk of being unpopular..

You started off by saying that your ex won't be seeing his kids at all over Xmas and then you say above that actually he has a lot of things planned with them (just not on the day/days after themselves). You also say that he uses his AL to help you out with childcare as well.

To be fair to the guy here, he's doing a fair bit and it sounds like he's trying to do his best to keep everyone happy to me which given the distances involved isn't easy either (although you don't say where you are yourself).

The calling his daughter by the other girl's name though I agree is something that he'll need to be aware of

travellingbid

_Kaiser_ wrote: »

At the risk of being unpopular..

You started off by saying that your ex won't be seeing his kids at all over Xmas and then you say above that actually he has a lot of things planned with them (just not on the day/days after themselves). You also say that he uses his AL to help you out with childcare as well.

To be fair to the guy here, he's doing a fair bit and it sounds like he's trying to do his best to keep everyone happy to me which given the distances involved isn't easy either (although you don't say where you are yourself).

The calling his daughter by the other girl's name though I agree is something that he'll need to be aware of

I'd be reading this as he's now cancelling these plans but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe OP can confirm

_Kaiser_

travellingbid wrote: »

I'd be reading this as he's now cancelling these plans but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe OP can confirm

Well if so then yes (I read it that the issue was that they wouldn't see him on Xmas Day or the days afterwards), effectively a month between now and when he'll next see them is a bit much. If so then maybe he could do something next weekend instead?

cabla

_Kaiser_ wrote: »

At the risk of being unpopular..

You started off by saying that your ex won't be seeing his kids at all over Xmas and then you say above that actually he has a lot of things planned with them (just not on the day/days after themselves). You also say that he uses his AL to help you out with childcare as well.

To be fair to the guy here, he's doing a fair bit and it sounds like he's trying to do his best to keep everyone happy to me which given the distances involved isn't easy either (although you don't say where you are yourself).

The calling his daughter by the other girl's name though I agree is something that he'll need to be aware of

I'm not sure if you can put a value or "doing a fair bit" on being a parent. It should be selfless and unconditional in my opinion and going to the ends of the earth for them no matter your other circumstances or your relationship with the mother.

At the end of the day these children are his flesh and blood not the other child. It's not to take away from the other child but I believe an effort should be made. Ireland isn't that big of a place and I'm sure his girlfriend would understand having had a child from another partner how important it is to have a mum and dad.

I'm not actually a parent so maybe I'm putting my 2 cents in where it's not wanted. The only thing I can comapre to is my girlfriend. She lives in Dubai while I live in Saudi Arabia. We have to travel a lot on flight to see eachother every weekend or 2nd weekend. We sometimes have an issue with all the money we spend and also renting in 2 countries but it never outweighs the time we spend and what we have. It's much like this, distance or "doing activities" cannot simply outweight or out do just being there for your kids especially when you've a choice and in such a magical time of year for kids!

bucketybuck

How long has your ex been seeing his current partner?

_Kaiser_

cabla wrote: »

I'm not sure if you can put a value or "doing a fair bit" on being a parent. It should be selfless and unconditional in my opinion and going to the ends of the earth for them no matter your other circumstances or relationship with the mother.

Agreed, but reality is reality and the guy can't be in two places at once either

At the end of the day these children are his flesh and blood not the other child, not to take away from her either.

We don't know if the other child is his as well, but even if not he is in a relationship with her mother (and by extension her) so owes them that too

I'm not actually a parent so maybe I'm putting my 2 cents in where it's not wanted. The only thing I can comapre of is my girlfriend lives in Dubai while I live in Saudi Arabia. We have to travel a lot on flight to see eachother every weekend or 2nd weekend. We sometimes have an issue with all the money we spend and also renting in 2 countries but it never outweighs the time we spend and what we have. It's much like this, distance or "doing activities" cannot simply outweight or out do just being there for your kids especially when you've a choice and in such a magical time of year for kids!

I have to do a fair bit of travel to see my little fella as well and I do that willingly but again reality has to set in and I/we have to accept that I can't always be there either, or for as long as I'd like to be (as my job is up here).

In this case we don't know enough about what the situation is with his gf, but if travellingbid's interpretation is right then yes, it's a bit much to be not seeing his kids down here at all over the next month - if even for a few hours.

eviltwin

I took it he has cancelled plans with his kids in order to go up the north with his girlfriend. Nothing would keep me away from my kids over Christmas if I could avoid it. Its a pretty ****ty thing to do to your own kids having told them you've plans made. Its now fallen on their mother to deal with the fall out which isn't fair either. Not much you can do OP if his mind is made up but I'd wait until you calm down a bit and have a chat with him and explain to him just how much he's hurt the children, ask him if there is anyway he can compromise so as not to let them down. See if you can organise a Skype call at some point, its not great but its better than nothing.

cabla

_Kaiser_ wrote: »

Agreed, but reality is reality and the guy can't be in two places at once either



We don't know if the other child is his as well, but even if not he is in a relationship with her mother (and by extension her) so owes them that too



I have to do a fair bit of travel to see my little fella as well and I do that willingly but again reality has to set in and I/we have to accept that I can't always be there either, or for as long as I'd like to be (as my job is up here).

In this case we don't know enough about what the situation is with his gf, but if travellingbid's interpretation is right then yes, it's a bit much to be not seeing his kids down here at all over the next month - if even for a few hours.

Agreed - if the only reason is distance it's a bit of a cop out. We all have to make a little sacrifice especially this time of year, whether that's sacrificing a bit of money on a decent present, or a long drive to see your children.

lazygal

Is there a formal agreement in place regarding Christmas arrangements? There's probably not a lot you can do about this year apart from shielding your children from all the hassle as much as possible. Maybe next year put the agreement in place well before December so at least you're prepared for the fallout.

Shadylou

While we dont have anything formal in place we had agreed to do the same as we did last year. He came down xmas morning to see them opening their presents and then took them out himself boxing day.
i showed him my roster for the month and he made plans with them like going ice skating and the cinema.
he is only going out with this girl 8 months and her daughter is not his, while i know he is entitled to go on hols its an awful thing to do to the kids, my daughter is devastated and i dont know what to say to make her feel better

Neyite

Mod:
Threads merged.

December2012

Has he cancelled plans already made with the child?

It's not clear to me from your posts.

Re the name thing - that happens when you're around a few kids. It's a slip of the tongue, not the same as a partner calling you the wrong name. Your daughter just may not have had this happen before. It's as big a deal as you make it.

Shadylou

December2012 wrote: »

Has he cancelled plans already made with the child?

It's not clear to me from your posts.

Re the name thing - that happens when you're around a few kids. It's a slip of the tongue, not the same as a partner calling you the wrong name. Your daughter just may not have had this happen before. It's as big a deal as you make it.

He has cancelled all plans and told me to tell the kids he'll catch up with them when he come down, he didnt even tell them himself

The name thing has me fuming tbh....the 2 names are nothing alike and he continued to do it when she told him he was doing it

endofrainbow

Rather than seeking advise from strangers on a public forum, would you not talk to your ex-partner and try and work something out amicably?

December2012

Shadylou wrote: »

The name thing has me fuming tbh....the 2 names are nothing alike and he continued to do it when she told him he was doing it

The name thing is a little thing. Stop worrying about it - it does not, of itself, mean that he is replacing your daughter or forgot her name. He knows who she is, as I said that's a thing that happens when you're around more than one child. And the fact that he didn't stop just because it bothered her might not be the big deal you are making it out to be - all children get bothered by things their parents do at some stage, sometimes fairly and sometimes unfairly.

I think it's clear that you're frustrated about cancelling on your child, and that is fair enough.

He should talk to your child and tell her directly himself.

Could you ask him to talk to her and reassure her?

Shadylou

i have left messages for my ex and text him, he is not willing to talk to the kids and reassure them. He told me to tell them he'll make it up to them when he comes home but that's no good to them right now.
We have had such a tough time with our daughter adjusting to the split and I think this could really affect her badly and I genuinely don't know what to do to make her feel better that's why I'm pouring out my heart to strangers on a forum!!
I'm trying so hard to keep my personal feelings out of this but I'm so angry it's really hard, although I have the day to day custody of the kids we are supposed to be sharing the parenting and I can't believe he's left me on my own with the kids on the most stressful time of my year

pwurple

It's downright cowardly what he is doing. But for their sake you are going to have to suck it up, be the bigger person, and make the most of it. Family breakups are enormously stressful for children. Have they done any counselling?

There are only a few Santa Christmases before they grow out of it. He is missing out, but you don't have to. If the ten year old has already outgrown it, involve them in the santa prep for the little one. Have you family nearby that can help out or take the children to do christmassy things? People may have time off this time of year to give you a hand. Ask them, don't wait for it to be offered.

we'llallhavetea

just cannot believe he has done this tbh, i am not surprised you are so upset.

i know its difficult but just paint on a smile, accept that you are on your own and be the best possible parent you can be. your kids need you to be the happy upbeat christmas fairy, if youre steaming mad it will only cause them stress. he is some bollocks for this. so sorry shadylou

Big Bag of Chips

Things have been pretty amicable and worked well up to this point. But now you have to accept there has been a change and you won't be able to depend on him being around as much as he was. Ranting and giving out is all well and good for letting off a bit of steam, but it's of no practical help to you I'm afraid!

Your children will take their cues from you. And if you show your daughter you are annoyed, furious, upset etc then that will increase her feelings of upset too. So what you need to do is put a positive spin on this... Somehow!

It's a crappy thing he's doing, but you have the power to make it seem a little less crappy for your daughter. And start having backups for when he isn't available to help you out.

As for the name thing.. He wasn't deliberately doing it to annoy your daughter. It was a slip of the tongue. If I'm in another child's house for the day I can sometimes call my own kids by the wrong name. Sometimes when talking about my children or my husband, I will use my brothers' names. It doesn't mean anything and you need to help your daughter understand that.

It's not a nice situation, but he's landed you in it now.. If he won't deal with it properly you have to. Just keep in mind that if you are annoyed and upset your daughter will be too. She may be upset anyway but you can control, up to a point, how upset she feels.

Shadylou

I haven't said anything in front of the kids only that we'll have a special Xmas ourselves. I've also told my family not to mention it and that if the kids say anything reassure them it isn't because of anything they've done.
My daughter was always a daddy's girl but since the split she's become very protective and clingy with me, the school referred her for counselling and she had much improved but I'm afraid this will set her back.
We also had to move house for financial reasons and her friends won't be around her either and trying to get her to play dates etc is going to be nearly impossible as now most of the babysitting will have to be done by my mother who doesn't drive.
I am so angry with him.....I spoke to him this morning as he owes me money for some of the Santa pressies and he had the cheek to say it's all my fault and I broke up the family so don't be giving out to him for trying to find happiness.
I actually don't know what to think, I suppose I was lucky all along he was so supportive but we are both the kids parents and should have equal responsibility