Kids won't see Dad over Xmas

eviltwin

Shadylou wrote: »

I haven't said anything in front of the kids only that we'll have a special Xmas ourselves. I've also told my family not to mention it and that if the kids say anything reassure them it isn't because of anything they've done.
My daughter was always a daddy's girl but since the split she's become very protective and clingy with me, the school referred her for counselling and she had much improved but I'm afraid this will set her back.
We also had to move house for financial reasons and her friends won't be around her either and trying to get her to play dates etc is going to be nearly impossible as now most of the babysitting will have to be done by my mother who doesn't drive.
I am so angry with him.....I spoke to him this morning as he owes me money for some of the Santa pressies and he had the cheek to say it's all my fault and I broke up the family so don't be giving out to him for trying to find happiness.
I actually don't know what to think, I suppose I was lucky all along he was so supportive but we are both the kids parents and should have equal responsibility

Do you think he had planned this all along?

Shadylou

eviltwin wrote: »

Do you think he had planned this all along?

I don't think so, as far as I know his girlfriend was coming down to stay for a few days cos he had asked me if I minded her and her daughter going ice skating with the kids. I had no problem with that at all but it looks as if she changed her plans and he is going along with them.
I also get the impression he is thinking of moving in with her so he may be trying to sort that out as well while he is off work

December2012

How does the topic jump from "babysitting / santa presents" to "you broke up the marraige?"

It sounds like it has recently got difficult to discuss practical elements calmly and with a focus.

I'm sorry your girl is so upset. It's understandable but that doesn't make things easier for you.

I suppose just try to keep conversations with your husband calm and on track as much as you can.

Shadylou

December2012 wrote: »

How does the topic jump from "babysitting / santa presents" to "you broke up the marraige?"

It sounds like it has recently got difficult to discuss practical elements calmly and with a focus.

I'm sorry your girl is so upset. It's understandable but that doesn't make things easier for you.

I suppose just try to keep conversations with your husband calm and on track as much as you can.

When i asked him to please talk to our daughter and explain to her about his holidays and tell her they'll do loads of things when he come home he told me im only upset cos he's moved on which is not the case at all.
all i wanted him to do was reassure my kids and make it up to them

Calmsurrender

He knows what he's doing is wrong and is going on the defensive.
He's hurting his kids, he knows that, but he doesn't want to hear it so will turn it back on you and pass the blame. It's easier to fight with you than examine his own behaviour or upset his new sweetie right?
My advice would be to say nothing to the kids for now just focus on the day to day and get your babysitting arrangements in order. Communicate with him purely about the essentials, finances for example. Don't mention the situation again to him. Email or text if possible "heya I need x amount for santa pres let me know when u can get it to me thanks" etc. don't get sucked into the drama.
Yes it's infuriating and wrong what he's doing. And I can't believe people saying "ah him calling her another Childs name is no biggie" of course it's a big deal to a ten year old child!! This isn't a cousin or class mate or friend!! This is the girl Daddy spends all his time with and not her! Of course that's going to be upsetting. She obviously feels replaced.

Tasden

Calmsurrender wrote: »

He knows what he's doing is wrong and is going on the defensive.
He's hurting his kids, he knows that, but he doesn't want to hear it so will turn it back on you and pass the blame. It's easier to fight with you than examine his own behaviour or upset his new sweetie right?
My advice would be to say nothing to the kids for now just focus on the day to day and get your babysitting arrangements in order. Communicate with him purely about the essentials, finances for example. Don't mention the situation again to him. Email or text if possible "heya I need x amount for santa pres let me know when u can get it to me thanks" etc. don't get sucked into the drama.
Yes it's infuriating and wrong what he's doing. And I can't believe people saying "ah him calling her another Childs name is no biggie" of course it's a big deal to a ten year old child!! This isn't a cousin or class mate or friend!! This is the girl Daddy spends all his time with and not her! Of course that's going to be upsetting. She obviously feels replaced.

Nobody is saying its not upsetting to the child. But it isn't something the mother should be focusing on or needs to be getting upset about. Its not like the dad deliberately decided to start calling his child by another name. Its a slip of the tongue. Has nothing to do with the likeness of the names or if the kids are similar, its purely a slip of the tongue. Yes it hurts the child but there is no malice behind it. All the op can do is explain to the child that its a silly mistake and not to take it to heart. Yes she can't help feeling angry or hurt for her child but it really isn't the big deal it's being made out to be and acting like it is isn't going to make the child feel any better about it either.

pwurple

The name thing really isn't a big deal, I mix my own kids names up all the time.

LegacyUser

Calmsurrender wrote: »

Yes it's infuriating and wrong what he's doing. And I can't believe people saying "ah him calling her another Childs name is no biggie" of course it's a big deal to a ten year old child!! This isn't a cousin or class mate or friend!! This is the girl Daddy spends all his time with and not her! Of course that's going to be upsetting. She obviously feels replaced.

My mother has called me by the wrong name my whole life. She always calls me by her sisters name to the point were I wonder why just didn't call me that name in the first place. I've corrected over and over and now in my 30's I just ignore it and answer to the wrong name. My dad was just as bad at times he would call me by one of his sisters name, then try to correct himself but end up calling me by my brothers name. I get the daughter is going to focus on it because it's a new development to her feels like she's being replaced but on the list of things the OP needs to address it wouldn't be top of my list.

Sleepy

Shadylou wrote: »

we agreed that I'd have them on Xmas but it would be the same arrangement as last year where he would call first thing in the morning to see them opening their presents and he would take them out on Boxing Day while I'm working and he would take them a few more times over the holidays I even gave him a copy of my roster so he could plan things out

At the risk of getting flamed to a crsip, here's where you went wrong imo. I'm not trying to have a go but giving him your roster in this fashion could very easily be seen as treating him as a childminder.

He's neither your childminder nor your babysitter and the fact that you keep referring to him having access to them as "babysitting" would imply that this is how you've been treating him; expecting him to use his annual leave to accommodate your work roster for example.

While I can't fathom how anyone wouldn't want to spend Christmas with their children, I can quite easily understand how being treated as a convenient babysitter instead of a father would leave one very frustrated. That he won't tell them that he won't be seeing them over Christmas himself sounds utterly cowardly... it leaves me wondering does he see the fact they won't see him as your fault so therefore your responsibility to break the bad news?

Has he felt backed into a corner by being told his access is dependent on your work schedule and responded with the scorched earth "go f*ck yourself!" response of refusing to see them at all over the period to spite you (while hurting himself and his children in the process)? Have you tried approaching him about when might suit him to see them over Christmas rather than a "surely you can take your own children for a few of the days while I'm working" approach? I know it's semantics but poor wording can often be at the root of disagreements...

Tasden

Sleepy wrote: »

At the risk of getting flamed to a crsip, here's where you went wrong imo. I'm not trying to have a go but giving him your roster in this fashion could very easily be seen as treating him as a childminder.

He's neither your childminder nor your babysitter and the fact that you keep referring to him having access to them as "babysitting" would imply that this is how you've been treating him; expecting him to use his annual leave to accommodate your work roster for example.

While I can't fathom how anyone wouldn't want to spend Christmas with their children, I can quite easily understand how being treated as a convenient babysitter instead of a father would leave one very frustrated. That he won't tell them that he won't be seeing them over Christmas himself sounds utterly cowardly... it leaves me wondering does he see the fact they won't see him as your fault so therefore your responsibility to break the bad news?

Has he felt backed into a corner by being told his access is dependent on your work schedule and responded with the scorched earth "go f*ck yourself!" response of refusing to see them at all over the period to spite you (while hurting himself and his children in the process)? Have you tried approaching him about when might suit him to see them over Christmas rather than a "surely you can take your own children for a few of the days while I'm working" approach? I know it's semantics but poor wording can often be at the root of disagreements...

Yeah this makes sense but at the same time if the mam is working and has sole custody then unfortunately the parent who wants access does have to kind if fit in to the fold and having a roster makes that possible for both. But what you're saying does sound like it could be right.

daveyeh

Shadylou wrote: »

he had the cheek to say it's all my fault and I broke up the family so don't be giving out to him for trying to find happiness.

This is very relevant.

It sounds to me like (in his eyes) he's a decent bloke who loves his kids, and it's somehow your fault that your family broke up, and now he just wants to find some happiness. But finding the balance between his responsibilities and his current desires/relationship isn't easy.

So, (again in his eyes), because you're to blame for the break up, you shouldn't give him any grief about the unpleasant situation he now finds himself in.

He sounds a bit immature, but is he a bad bloke? Is he likely to do this again next year or is this about prioritising and establishing a relationship with another woman?

LegacyUser

Shadylou wrote: »

While we dont have anything formal in place we had agreed to do the same as we did last year. He came down xmas morning to see them opening their presents and then took them out himself boxing day.
i showed him my roster for the month and he made plans with them like going ice skating and the cinema.
he is only going out with this girl 8 months and her daughter is not his, while i know he is entitled to go on hols its an awful thing to do to the kids, my daughter is devastated and i dont know what to say to make her feel better

Could he not take them to the north with him for the two weeks, me and my ex arrange every second year on where the kids go one year with her to family in Dublin the next with me to galway.

Shadylou

Sleepy wrote: »

At the risk of getting flamed to a crsip, here's where you went wrong imo. I'm not trying to have a go but giving him your roster in this fashion could very easily be seen as treating him as a childminder.

He's neither your childminder nor your babysitter and the fact that you keep referring to him having access to them as "babysitting" would imply that this is how you've been treating him; expecting him to use his annual leave to accommodate your work roster for example.

While I can't fathom how anyone wouldn't want to spend Christmas with their children, I can quite easily understand how being treated as a convenient babysitter instead of a father would leave one very frustrated. That he won't tell them that he won't be seeing them over Christmas himself sounds utterly cowardly... it leaves me wondering does he see the fact they won't see him as your fault so therefore your responsibility to break the bad news?

Has he felt backed into a corner by being told his access is dependent on your work schedule and responded with the scorched earth "go f*ck yourself!" response of refusing to see them at all over the period to spite you (while hurting himself and his children in the process)? Have you tried approaching him about when might suit him to see them over Christmas rather than a "surely you can take your own children for a few of the days while I'm working" approach? I know it's semantics but poor wording can often be at the root of disagreements...

While we were together he always took annual leave at Xmas as that is my busy time at work and even though we have split up he is still their father and I shouldn't have to think of him as 'babysitting' his own kids
He asked whether I was working overtime over Xmas, I gave him my roster and he told the kids about all the fun things he was going to do with them over Xmas while I was at work, he asked if I minded the new girlfriend and daughter going too, I had no problem with that, if they are going to be a part of my kids lives I ŵould rather they got to know them properly.
My ex left today without even a goodbye for the kids just a promise to Skype on Xmas morning

LegacyUser

Shadylou wrote: »

While we were together he always took annual leave at Xmas as that is my busy time at work and even though we have split up he is still their father and I shouldn't have to think of him as 'babysitting' his own kids
He asked whether I was working overtime over Xmas, I gave him my roster and he told the kids about all the fun things he was going to do with them over Xmas while I was at work, he asked if I minded the new girlfriend and daughter going too, I had no problem with that, if they are going to be a part of my kids lives I ŵould rather they got to know them properly.
My ex left today without even a goodbye for the kids just a promise to Skype on Xmas morning

Good for him to put his life first and realise with partner that broke up the family was using him as a babysitter so she could work, he might want to use leave to be with a woman that cares about him.

After xmas try to talk to him with respect ask when he want the kids even if it's not a day you are working. Stop using him as a babysitter and let him be a dad

LegacyUser

The penny has dropped that he is never ever going to live with his children again, and has now found a family that he can integrate into.

There could be subconcious punishing of you for breaking up the family. Happens all the time or a direct consequence of feeling redundant and not aware of how his kids will feel about it.

Saturday night is not Christmas eve, or Christmas Day, or Stephens Day, it circumvirates the symbolic days. What you could have done to pre empt this and make his choice a lot harder was invite him over for Christmas Eve and Day.

There is nothing you can do about it now but make sure the kids have a good holiday.

Shadylou

anonyparent wrote: »

The penny has dropped that he is never ever going to live with his children again, and has now found a family that he can integrate into.

There could be subconcious punishing of you for breaking up the family. Happens all the time or a direct consequence of feeling redundant and not aware of how his kids will feel about it.

Saturday night is not Christmas eve, or Christmas Day, or Stephens Day, it circumvirates the symbolic days. What you could have done to pre empt this and make his choice a lot harder was invite him over for Christmas Eve and Day.

There is nothing you can do about it now but make sure the kids have a good holiday.

He was to have the kids on Xmas eve and then meet me from work with them at 4pm, we were going to have a meal out and then go home and get the kids bathed and to bed.
He was then going to come to the house Xmas morning before the get up and then he was to have them all day on Boxing Day.
I have done everything I can to keep him in the loop and make sure he doesn't miss out on anything, he hasn't even rung the kids since he's gone away....all I got was a Facebook message with a number to call if I needed him cos his mobile isn't working

MouseTail

I would try to foster a good relationship between the paternal grandmother and the children, even if ye don't get on, as superdad sounds like he is preparing to exit stage left.
Nothing you can do really to prevent this, just continue being the stable parent who facilitates the relationship. Hoping it all works out.