Avoiding sausage fests

OnTheCouch

lufties wrote: »

This is what baffles me, I've always been told that I'm very attractive looking but tinder has been an epic fail.

Photos and real-life personas are not necessarily the same thing when it comes to how appealing you are to others. It's perfectly feasible that women have told you in the past you are good looking, but this can often be down to your presence, aura, confidence in a real-life situation etc.

As nonsensical as it may sound, what people say when they mean 'good-looking' is not necessarily about looks all the time and is more a catch-all term to convey interest/attraction. I think the common phrase 'there's just something about him' might be more accurate here.

Therefore, many of the above positive traits are simply not visible or discernible from photos. You may not be particularly photogenic either and look way better in the flesh.

Of course if the comments you received have come from women with whom you speak to online, you may discount the last few paragraphs.

Wibbs

OnTheCouch wrote: »

Therefore, many of the above positive traits are simply not visible or discernible from photos. You may not be particularly photogenic either and look way better in the flesh.

+1. I knew a woman who was extremely photogenic. I mean she really jumped out from group photos. In the flesh she was pleasant enough looking, but not nearly so noticeable.

lufties

OnTheCouch wrote: »

Photos and real-life personas are not necessarily the same thing when it comes to how appealing you are to others. It's perfectly feasible that women have told you in the past you are good looking, but this can often be down to your presence, aura, confidence in a real-life situation etc.

As nonsensical as it may sound, what people say when they mean 'good-looking' is not necessarily about looks all the time. I think the common phrase 'there's just something about him' might be more accurate here.

Therefore, many of the above positive traits are simply not visible or discernible from photos. You may not be particularly photogenic either and look way better in the flesh.

Of course if the comments you received have come from women with whom you speak to online, you may discount the last few paragraphs.

Thats interesting, personally I think I'm a bit above average looking, but I do regularly recieve compliments from both men and woman, it actually makes me feel uncomfortable as I'm not superficial really.

If a lady looks after herself, nice teeth/smile, with a sense of style, it goes a long way. I'm not majorly hung up on looks.

Mister Vain

Wibbs wrote: »

+1. I knew a woman who was extremely photogenic. I mean she really jumped out from group photos. In the flesh she was pleasant enough looking, but not nearly so noticeable.

Ohh I hear ya. The opposite can also be true. I've seen photos of women online and then I see them in person and they look so much better; its what makes online dating so tricky. Then again some women have mastered the selfie to such an extent that they can create very flattering photos of themselves. I even surprised myself the other day after taking a photo of myself in decent lighting and thought I looked a right handsome fecker.

H3llR4iser

Mister Vain wrote: »

Ohh I hear ya. The opposite can also be true. I've seen photos of women online and then I see them in person and they look so much better; its what makes online dating so tricky. Then again some women have mastered the selfie to such an extent that they can create very flattering photos of themselves. I even surprised myself the other day after taking a photo of myself in decent lighting and thought I looked a right handsome fecker.

Apt Username!!! :D:D

(no offense, we all are more than a bit vain...only a few admit however! Kudos!)

irishguitarlad

OP learn a language and leave the country, that's what I'm doing, Colombia here I come!

irishguitarlad

irishguitarlad wrote: »

OP learn a language and leave the country, that's what I'm doing, Colombia here I come!

He doesn't live in Ireland.

Wibbs

Deleted User wrote: »

He doesn't live in Ireland.

Indeed. Which kinda nicely puts the kibosh on the whole it's the Irish wimmens that are the problem.

irishguitarlad

That's what happens when you only read the first post haha

irishguitarlad

Wibbs wrote: »

Indeed. Which kinda nicely puts the kibosh on the whole it's the Irish wimmens that are the problem.

Nothing wrong with Irish women dude, I just prefer latinas, it's a matter of ones own personal taste.

MRnotlob606

I got one match on Tinder . I thought dating sites would make these things easier. But they don't . It's a clever marketing illusion.




Or maybe i'm just hideous af

Wibbs

irishguitarlad wrote: »

Nothing wrong with Irish women dude, I just prefer latinas, it's a matter of ones own personal taste.

Oh I'd be the same Igl. Just making the point that too many men bemoan their romantic lot in life and blame it on the "local women" and you hear it in all countries. Grass is always greener syndrome. You get good and bad everywhere.

mikom

irishguitarlad wrote: »

Nothing wrong with Irish women dude, I just prefer latinas, it's a matter of ones own personal taste.

https://maps.google.ie/maps?oe=utf-8&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a&gws_rd=cr&um=1&ie=UTF-8&fb=1&gl=ie&ftid=0x485b780080a03b9d:0xa00c7a997319840&q=Gort,+Co.+Galway&sa=X&ei=vBqUVL67K-eP7AaqzoGADw&ved=0CIcBEPIBMA8&output=classic&dg=brw

TheBeardedLady

MRnotlob606 wrote: »

I got one match on Tinder . I thought dating sites would make these things easier. But they don't . It's a clever marketing illusion.




Or maybe i'm just hideous af

If it's all about the photo, would it be worth getting one professionally done or asking a friend with a decent camera to take one?

lufties

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

If it's all about the photo, would it be worth getting one professionally done or asking a friend with a decent camera to take one?

I think that would be a good idea, the subtext is that you are a serious person and not just on the site chancing your arm.

H3llR4iser

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

If it's all about the photo, would it be worth getting one professionally done or asking a friend with a decent camera to take one?

Not sure about that...it can be kind of unsteady ground for a man.

It's definitely good for a woman; It would attract some sniggering remarks from other women, but most men would be impressed - any vaguely attractive woman will look like a total knockout in the proper picture taken by somebody who knows how to handle camera/lighting/all the likes.

For a man, however, it can trigger the "instant poser" effect

DoYouEvenLift

H3llR4iser wrote: »

Not sure about that...it can be kind of unsteady ground for a man.

It's definitely good for a woman; It would attract some sniggering remarks from other women, but most men would be impressed - any vaguely attractive woman will look like a total knockout in the proper picture taken by somebody who knows how to handle camera/lighting/all the likes.

For a man, however, it can trigger the "instant poser" effect

If it increases the guys chances of getting laid, his friends would probably just ask for the favour to be returned...after taking the piss a lil bit

Cathy.C

nm wrote: »

Vanilla, meaningless default advice.

I'm sure he's been himself his whole life, its clearly not working, something needs to change.

I think when people say 'just be yourself' they don't just mean be you as obviously everyone is being themselves in that regard. What people mean is that you're better off not worrying about how you're coming across, as it will most likely come across as you're just trying to hard to be something that you're not. I like it when a guy approaches me and he's a little nervous or shy about it.

Pretending to be at ease when you're not, or exude confidence when you're anything but, just comes across as fake and as someone who is uncomfortable with themselves and while that's not the end of the world, it's quite difficult to have a conversation with someone who is constantly worried about how they're coming across.

Embrace your imperfections I say and don't worry so much about them being spotted by the person you're trying to chat up, be they physical imperfections or otherwise. If you're self conscious about your looks, then so be it, be self conscious about your looks. Trying to pretend you're not will just come across as someone who has something to hide and as that person doesn't know you, they won't have a clue as to what that is and you will just come across as not being very genuine.

So therefore, I don't think telling someone to be themselves is vanilla advice at all. It's quite good advice, if that person that is, truly gets what it means to truly be yourself.

As for avoiding sausage fests? Hmm, well that's a tough one as places usually become sausage fests in the first place for good reason and so they still might be the best option for meeting someone. Yoga classes and the like are not really good places tbh as in my experience that is where I have gone to unwind and the last thing you would really want is to be chatted up there. I would just end up feeling socially awkward I think but then I would feel like that when I am chatted up anywhere that I can't quickly escape from. Buses are another one. You just feel weird as you know that you have to sit beside this person now for the next hour and it's worse with things like classes as you know that you will have to see this person now every time you come to a class.

Gigs are most likely the most underrated way to meet people. They tend to be a good mix of the sexes (unless you see a band that only appeals to one sex, so avoid 1Direction gigs) and you automatically have an interest as you both like the same music. They tend to be on earlier than clubs and so you could ask them to go for a drink afterwards. Met a few partners that way over the years.

Mister Vain

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

If it's all about the photo, would it be worth getting one professionally done or asking a friend with a decent camera to take one?

A decent camera doesn't take decent photos though, its the person using it. But yeah getting one professionally done wouldn't be a bad idea.

SpaceTime

Nothing wrong with a literal sausage and beer fest though! All you need is a BBQ, selection of mustards, good bread and plenty of salad.

lufties

H3llR4iser wrote: »

Apt Username!!! :D:D

(no offense, we all are more than a bit vain...only a few admit however! Kudos!)

How dare you, call him mr radar or call him mister wrong

lufties

SpaceTime wrote: »

Nothing wrong with a literal sausage and beer fest though! All you need is a BBQ, selection of mustards, good bread and plenty of salad.

On second thoughts, I do love weisswurt and pretzels with beer.


.....Thread closed.

TheBeardedLady

Mister Vain wrote: »

A decent camera doesn't take decent photos though, its the person using it. But yeah getting one professionally done wouldn't be a bad idea.

True and I meant to say that but I was on my phone.

You could get a professional-that-doesn't-look-professional type photo taken. Tell the photographer what you're looking for. Basically a photo with decent lighting and stuff. I think many men are awful at choosing a decent photo of themselves ime.

JuliusCaesar

lufties wrote: »

I was at a singles night the other night, chatted to one girl who was all over me, I suggested going for a drink, she agreed..as we approached the bar, I got cockblocked by two lads who got her attention. She stayed with them thereafter. I thought t was a bit rude but got on with my night. Chatted to a few girls after that, had a few laughs, was attentive and polite but couldn't seal the deal. This is nothing to do with my attitude, as it is positive. I always smile and am witty and never rude.

RDM_83 again wrote: »

I know he clearly shouldn't have asked it in a forum thats user base is mainly males.
OP I would recommend you try a mainly female userbase forum like the Ladies Lounge they will be delighted to give you any information you desire on how to improve your chances

[Edited the criticism - I read pages 7-20 where you exposed some of your vulnerabilities and consequently you came across as a nicer and more self-aware AND less arrogant guy This might give you more of a clue in getting on with women.]

Now to be constructive: women are everywhere. They tend to join things, much more than men. So look at tennis clubs, or drama groups, or dance classes, or almost any other interactive activity.

Interactive is the thing to look out for - not activities that are essentially solitary even if done as a group (gym, yoga). Look at women as PEOPLE, not just vaginas on legs. Talk with them, get to know them, and don't regard sex as the one and only goal of interacting with them.

Do you want to be a person that the woman is interested in, or just be a mobile penis? Do you want a relationship, where you can share your innermost hopes and fears? If all you want is sex, well there are websites for you - but they are heavily male-dominated

LynnGrace

lufties wrote: »

Thats interesting, personally I think I'm a bit above average looking, but I do regularly recieve compliments from both men and woman,it actually makes me feel uncomfortable as I'm not superficial really.

Genuine question, in what context are the compliments given, are they from friends/ colleagues/ family, commenting on your good looks?

lufties

LynnGrace wrote: »

Genuine question, in what context are the compliments given, are they from friends/ colleagues/ family, commenting on your good looks?

never really from friends/family, usually randomers in pubs or people I've know for a short period of time.

NoMore MrNiceGuy

lufties wrote: »

never really from friends/family, usually randomers in pubs or people I've know for a short period of time.

That's unlikely.

lufties

NoMore MrNiceGuy wrote: »

That's unlikely.

Honestly

NoMore MrNiceGuy

lufties wrote: »

Honestly

Everybodys hot on the Internet.

That said Brad Pitt could have grown up in ireland without getting a compliment from other irish men. That's not the way we roll.

lanos

NoMore MrNiceGuy wrote: »

Everybodys hot on the Internet.

That makes no sense

NoMore MrNiceGuy

lanos wrote: »

That makes no sense

lol. Ok. To simplify for you.

Anybody can claim to be hot on the Internet.

bodhrandude

Cathy.C wrote: »

I think when people say 'just be yourself' they don't just mean be you as obviously everyone is being themselves in that regard. What people mean is that you're better off not worrying about how you're coming across, as it will most likely come across as you're just trying to hard to be something that you're not. I like it when a guy approaches me and he's a little nervous or shy about it.

Pretending to be at ease when you're not, or exude confidence when you're anything but, just comes across as fake and as someone who is uncomfortable with themselves and while that's not the end of the world, it's quite difficult to have a conversation with someone who is constantly worried about how they're coming across.

Embrace your imperfections I say and don't worry so much about them being spotted by the person you're trying to chat up, be they physical imperfections or otherwise. If you're self conscious about your looks, then so be it, be self conscious about your looks. Trying to pretend you're not will just come across as someone who has something to hide and as that person doesn't know you, they won't have a clue as to what that is and you will just come across as not being very genuine.

So therefore, I don't think telling someone to be themselves is vanilla advice at all. It's quite good advice, if that person that is, truly gets what it means to truly be yourself.

As for avoiding sausage fests? Hmm, well that's a tough one as places usually become sausage fests in the first place for good reason and so they still might be the best option for meeting someone. Yoga classes and the like are not really good places tbh as in my experience that is where I have gone to unwind and the last thing you would really want is to be chatted up there. I would just end up feeling socially awkward I think but then I would feel like that when I am chatted up anywhere that I can't quickly escape from. Buses are another one. You just feel weird as you know that you have to sit beside this person now for the next hour and it's worse with things like classes as you know that you will have to see this person now every time you come to a class.

Gigs are most likely the most underrated way to meet people. They tend to be a good mix of the sexes (unless you see a band that only appeals to one sex, so avoid 1Direction gigs) and you automatically have an interest as you both like the same music. They tend to be on earlier than clubs and so you could ask them to go for a drink afterwards. Met a few partners that way over the years.

Cathy you explained that really well, there are times I do have a crush on a girl when we are all gathered in a conversation and I can hardly talk when talking to said girl and trying to sound interesting to the group, it must sound desperate. Your right about gigs and festivals too, music is great to crack the ice in a conversation. I do try to be myself, but I don't know if I do that in a contrived kinda way sometimes, I need to work on it.

lanos

NoMore MrNiceGuy wrote: »

lol. Ok. To simplify for you.

Anybody can claim to be hot on the Internet.

oh so you think he is lying ?
I don't think he is lying
and why would he lie
He strikes me as a straight guy.
Oh BTW, about your username
were u ever a nice guy ?
I don't think so
LOL

Sugar Thief

bodhrandude wrote: »

Cathy you explained that really well, there are times I do have a crush on a girl when we are all gathered in a conversation and I can hardly talk when talking to said girl and trying to sound interesting to the group, it must sound desperate. Your right about gigs and festivals too, music is great to crack the ice in a conversation. I do try to be myself, but I don't know if I do that in a contrived kinda way sometimes, I need to work on it.

Sometimes it's just best to be direct, at my Christmas party spent the first couple hours afraid to approach any women, then when queuing at the bar with two friends just tapped a girl on the back, said Hi, who are you, and a bit of chat I can't remember for a minute, then asked for her number, she went back to her table, texted her. Then she appears beside me and ended spending the rest of the night with her. Lovely girl. I think sometimes you feel you need to be more interesting than you need to be. Just walk over and say hello, let the chips fall where they may.

NoMore MrNiceGuy

lanos wrote: »

oh so you think he is lying ?
I don't think he is lying
and why would he lie
He strikes me as a straight guy.
Oh BTW, about your username
were u ever a nice guy ?
I don't think so
LOL

Christ learn to write sentences. I don't believe him because people in Ireland don't approach men to tell them they are good looking. He's also failed on tinder and other dating sites where looks are the primary currency. He doesn't get on with women by his own admission so apparantly he is approached by women who tell him he is good looking and then that's it. From then on they hate him. It doesn't add up.

In real life I sm a pussycat.

lufties

NoMore MrNiceGuy wrote: »

Christ learn to write sentences. I don't believe him because people in Ireland don't approach men to tell them they are good looking. He's also failed on tinder and other dating sites where looks are the primary currency. He doesn't get on with women by his own admission so apparantly he is approached by women who tell him he is good looking and then that's it. From then on they hate him. It doesn't add up.

In real life I sm a pussycat.

Jaysus, tell it how it is anyway

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that shiftwork plays around 50 per cent in my current predicament. As another poster said, If I was happier with my lot I'd have more success imo.

And yes, I've always been told I'm good looking, friends to work colleagues and from random aqaintences to strippers I do nothing to provoke this, as I said, I think I'm average. Some women have said I'm the cutest thing they've ever met. I know it doesn't add up but thats how it is.

Putinovsky

lufties wrote: »

And yes, I've always been told I'm good looking, friends to work colleagues and from random aqaintences to strippers I do nothing to provoke this, as I said, I think I'm average. Some women have said I'm the cutest thing they've ever met. I know it doesn't add up but thats how it is.

I'm sorry but I wouldn't really pay heed to what strippers will tell you. And "the cutest thing they've ever met" doesn't exactly scream 'sexually attractive'. I'm not having a pop I am merely trying to help. If you're not good looking then you'll need to have other positives to work on to improve your overall package. Luckily for men you don't actually have to be good looking to get beautiful women but if you're not you do have to be bringing something to the table be it being a funny person, a respected person, a successful person etc.

If you're relying on looks that simply aren't there while simultaneously displaying the misogynistic attitude that you have done in the past then you're obviously going to do poorly with women.

No one has a right to a beautiful woman, you have to bring something to the table. If that wasn't the case then you'd see every joe walking around with stunning models.

lufties

Putinovsky wrote: »

I'm sorry but I wouldn't really pay heed to what strippers will tell you. And "the cutest thing they've ever met" doesn't exactly scream 'sexually attractive'. I'm not having a pop I am merely trying to help. If you're not good looking then you'll need to have other positives to work on to improve your overall package. Luckily for men you don't actually have to be good looking to get beautiful women but if you're not you do have to be bringing something to the table be it being a funny person, a respected person, a successful person etc.

If you're relying on looks that simply aren't there while simultaneously displaying the misogynistic attitude that you have done in the past then you're obviously going to do poorly with women.

No one has a right to a beautiful woman, you have to bring something to the table. If that wasn't the case then you'd see every joe walking around with stunning models.

Ok, my ex(who is good looking) told me Im really good looking guy and the cutest thing she ever met, her words.

I agree with you though, after years of being told I'm attractive prob made me a bit up my own arse and then when I fail it makes me frustrated.

When we can't see our behaviour for what it is doesn't make us evil or stupid, its always nice to get constructive criticism though.

Mister Vain

lufties wrote: »

Jaysus, tell it how it is anyway

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that shiftwork plays around 50 per cent in my current predicament. As another poster said, If I was happier with my lot I'd have more success imo.

And yes, I've always been told I'm good looking, friends to work colleagues and from random aqaintences to strippers I do nothing to provoke this, as I said, I think I'm average. Some women have said I'm the cutest thing they've ever met. I know it doesn't add up but thats how it is.

I've received various compliments from women like, cute, gorgeous, fit and "you've rock hard pecs" (that was from a woman who pushed me in a queue outside a nightclub only to start feeling me up. ) Anyway the point is that I didn't find any of those women attractive. It's all good and well getting compliments, but what are the women that are giving you the compliments like? And strippers don't count. Neither do high class escorts with posh British accents.

lufties

Mister Vain wrote: »

I've received various compliments from women like, cute, gorgeous, fit and "you've rock hard pecs" (that was from a woman who pushed me in a queue outside a nightclub only to start feeling me up. ) Anyway the point is that I didn't find any of those women attractive. It's all good and well getting compliments, but what are the women that are giving you the compliments like? And strippers don't count. Neither do high class escorts with posh British accents.

Hit and miss, sometimes they wouldn't be my cup of tea. Other times they'd be hot(never supermodel hot), but you get my drift. In fairness the stripper was latvian girl and to be honest she didn't seem the type to give out compliments willy nilly, a very down to earth she was.

Mister Vain

lufties wrote: »

Hit and miss, sometimes they wouldn't be my cup of tea. Other times they'd be hot(never supermodel hot), but you get my drift. In fairness the stripper was latvian girl and to be honest she didn't seem the type to give out compliments willy nilly, a very down to earth she was.

Ahh well she must have been genuine so. It's not like a Latvian would ever lie.

TheBeardedLady

I think most generally have an idea if they're good- looking or not. Some people are dillusional but most are not. Looks aren't enough though.

NoMore MrNiceGuy

TheBeardedLady wrote: »

I think most generally have an idea if they're good- looking or not. Some people are dillusional but most are not. Looks aren't enough though.

Sure. But theres something off about saying "I know because people tell me". You just know.

Mister Vain

I dunno, plenty of people think they're Gods gift when they're anything but.

feargale

syklops wrote: »

Theres one problem with this plan. How do you tell a straight girl from a gay girl in a gay bar. It's not like they have name tags that say "Clarissa - straight"

Once when I was out I stumbled on a hen party. One twenty something had a prominent tag attached to her proclaiming " Outrageous Flirt." Unfortunately I was spoken for at the time.

Mister Vain

feargale wrote: »

Once when I was out I stumbled on a hen party. One twenty something had a prominent tag attached to her proclaiming " Outrageous Flirt." Unfortunately I was spoken for at the time.

Actually there's a good solution for the OP. Go to some hen parties. Women tend to lose their inhibitions at those things. It's like shooting fish in a barrel.

lanos

NoMore MrNiceGuy wrote: »

Christ learn to write sentences. I don't believe him because people in Ireland don't approach men to tell them they are good looking. <blah blah blah> It doesn't add up.

In real life I sm a pussycat.

I'm not sure what you being a pussycat has to do with lufties love-life

NoMore MrNiceGuy wrote: »

Sure. But theres something off about saying "I know because people tell me". You just know.

look, just because you're probably like shrek, doesn't mean that lufties can't be cute
based on your experience of compliments


jeeez, looks like you're the one with real problems

Venus In Furs

Mister Vain wrote: »

Actually there's a good solution for the OP. Go to some hen parties. Women tend to lose their inhibitions at those things. It's like shooting fish in a barrel.

Didn't he say he wants a relationship and kids? Don't think it's just a one-night stand he's looking for.

Mister Vain

Steve_Carella wrote: »

Is Tinder dead?

Don't bother with Tinder. You'll get a sore finger before you even meet your date.