access arrangement for father working flexible hours

emmisaro

Can anyone explain to me how access arrangements work if the father does not have set working days from week to week.

I want to get a signed arrangement with the court so my daughter has a routine when seeing her father and he cannot mess me around as I often get last minute notice etc and it is not good for my daughter or me

Big Bag of Chips

If he only gets notice of work last minute then he can't be blamed for giving you notice last minute. You can however request that his access be set days, and if he has to work on those days that he has childcare arrangements in place, be that a family member or a local minder.

But then, your daughter doesn't always get to spend her access with her dad. But at least it would be consistent for you and you can make plans around it.

emmisaro

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If he only gets notice of work last minute then he can't be blamed for giving you notice last minute. You can however request that his access be set days, and if he has to work on those days that he has childcare arrangements in place, be that a family member or a local minder.

But then, your daughter doesn't always get to spend her access with her dad. But at least it would be consistent for you and you can make plans around it.

He does get his hours for the week on the same day every week and is never called in last minute he just let's me know last minute

emmisaro

emmisaro wrote: »

He does get his hours for the week on the same day every week and is never called in last minute he just let's me know last minute

I would also rather she be with him and not a childminders or other

Big Bag of Chips

Well if you know the day he gets his hours contact him on that day, and ask him. You also have to consider the fact that he might be stalling in case something else comes up which he'd rather do than take up the access. I'm not suggesting this is something he does do, but if he is letting you know last minute it sounds like he might be keeping his options open.

Contact him at the start of the week and ask him what days he is available. That's all you can do really.

emmisaro

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Well if you know the day he gets his hours contact him on that day, and ask him. You also have to consider the fact that he might be stalling in case something else comes up which he'd rather do than take up the access. I'm not suggesting this is something he does do, but if he is letting you know last minute it sounds like he might be keeping his options open.

Contact him at the start of the week and ask him what days he is available. That's all you can do really.

I agree I also think that he is doing that. I have asked him for an access arrangement and have requested that he contacts me on the day his rota is put up to arrange the days but he is still stalling. All I want is a routine for my daughter and no aggravation regarding access

bisset

It would be best for the child to know that on Wednesday , for example he or she will be with Dad from after school to 8.00. and that every other Saturday he or she will stay over with Dad. we don't know the child's age but he or she may have other weekly activities e.g. G.A.A. .

emmisaro

bisset wrote: »

It would be best for the child to know that on Wednesday , for example he or she will be with Dad from after school to 8.00. and that every other Saturday he or she will stay over with Dad. we don't know the child's age but he or she may have other weekly activities e.g. G.A.A. .

She is only 14 months but I think routine is still very important

helpfulpartner

emmisaro wrote: »

I agree I also think that he is doing that. I have asked him for an access arrangement and have requested that he contacts me on the day his rota is put up to arrange the days but he is still stalling. All I want is a routine for my daughter and no aggravation regarding access

I think if you put it to him that it's in your daughters interests and his that as soon as he has his rota that you agree access i.e on the Monday when he has the rota that

1 you'll be able to mutually agree days etc that suits and if he has other plans to make he knows what days he's free to arrange anything else he wants to do. And visa versa for you

And

2 he won't be disappointed if you cant meet his last minute demands.

A set routine is always better but unfortunately life doesn't always work out that way. But you need to be able to make your own plans, such as being able to do stuff outside work with your daughter and for your daughter her knowing she's seeing daddy on say Wednesday this week she can look forward to that.

Very important when there's birthdays, holidays, play dates etc you don't want to deprive her of those things just because he's only asking for access on that day or night before.

You also have your own life to.live and his last minute demands cause hassle to you as your having to arrange your life around him also.

Theres no reason why he can't talk with you about these things the day he gets his rota. His daughter should be his number 1 priority, his social life comes second. It does for you.

If he can come to the table with that and you have your discussion on Mondays etc makes life much easier and calmer for all with no aggravation and stress.

And in times where there are last minute changes and there will be from time to time it shouldn't be so disrupted.

Great that your open to agreeing to and trying to set a good access arrangement in place. He may be pulling against it because he sees you as the one in control. If you can meet each other half way you can at least be adults about it, put your child first and have a very happy well adjusted child at the end of it. With a great relationship with both parents. For your child she will be able to see mammy and daddy working together in her best interests

Gillo

I'm in the same situation as your ex Different days off each week. What I found helped was I approached my boss and asked if I could have one set day off per week, I did say where possible and I understood it wouldn't happen every week. I also explained why I was asking. Perhaps you could suggest that he try's that?

I will say though that I do have a very good relationship with a fair boss.

emmisaro

I put it to him yesterday that he contact me on the day the hours are put up for the week and we could sort it out but he has now put another spanner in the works and will not agree to anything unless he gets one week holidays with her written into the agreement. I think she is too young yet and offered two days but he has refused

Sleepy

Honestly, I don't think that asking to be able to take his own daughter for a week long holiday is an unfair request. While the law of the land currently gives you the defacto legal right to dictate the level of access your child has to her father, it's a right you shouldn't have from any reasonable or moral viewpoint. TBH, by refusing to his reasonable request, you're the one putting the spanner in the works here atm.

thaidad

Sleepy wrote: »

Honestly, I don't think that asking to be able to take his own daughter for a week long holiday is an unfair request. While the law of the land currently gives you the defacto legal right to dictate the level of access your child has to her father, it's a right you shouldn't have from any reasonable or moral viewpoint. TBH, by refusing to his reasonable request, you're the one putting the spanner in the works here atm.

This, my ex wife was like op and stopped letting me see my child, got pissed off stopped paying maintenance and the house mortage and moved to thailand, last I heard the house was being repossessed so happy to hear.

If you don't let the dad be involved expect him to stop supporting you.

m'lady

thaidad wrote: »

This, my ex wife was like op and stopped letting me see my child, got pissed off stopped paying maintenance and the house mortage and moved to thailand, last I heard the house was being repossessed so happy to hear.

If you don't let the dad be involved expect him to stop supporting you.

Wow you were happy to hear that the roof over your kids head was being repossessed? While your ex was wrong, so were you, you completely shirked your responsibilities and ran.. That's also wrong.

helpfulpartner

Agree with previous poster to a degree. I also think that perhaps it's more that you don't want her away from you for a week as apposed yo it being upsetting for your child.

You would be surprised how well children adapt. Once they are in a loving and caring environment there is nothing you can do that your ex cannot.

I think he should be able to take her for a week but perhaps not straight away. Might be an idea for a month he get to take her every full second weekend and then.build that up to a week when he is due to take it off. Will get the child used to spending nights with daddy.

As another poster mentioned kids don't usually have seperation anxiety until 3 and upwards so starting now is a good way of getting into a routine. You also need to agree on birthdays, christmas etc as you both should be able to share these times with your child so you will need to come up with something fair.

In terms of yourself and your feelings of separation this is somethingyou are going to have to get used to. Positive side to this is your child can build a strong relationship with you both and you get a little break too. You should try make plans on advance for yourself.

If things are difficult with access i suggest writing down what you think.is reasonable.

1 he notifies uou on Monday he's shifts
2 you agree to two evenings and whatever weekend arrangements
3 he should at the very least have overnight access every second weekend
4 holidays... Christmas how many days/nights. Will you alternate christmas day each year. Easter....as above. Birthdays as above.
5 Sumner holidays.... Week or two weeks access. Permission to take outside the country if holidaying abroad etc

Overnights as above I think he should be able to take for a week but for the 4 weeks preceding he should start taking for two nights in a row etc.

thaidad

m'lady wrote: »

Wow you were happy to hear that the roof over your kids head was being repossessed? While your ex was wrong, so were you, you completely shirked your responsibilities and ran.. That's also wrong.

She wanted over half my money and a house for free and I could not see the kid, government will give them a roof in some council flat she won't have a nice 3 bed in a well to do area anymore.

I would have stayed if I could see my child but as I could not other then a babysitter the odd time when she had extra work hours and had no ties to Ireland left, I went and took care of myself for once.

Big Bag of Chips

thaidad, you're both guilty of point scoring off each other and forgetting you're dragging your innocent child into your problems. You win! Your ex won't have a nice comfy house in a nice area anymore. Nor will your child. Your ex wins. She won't have you in her life anymore. Nor will your child. The only loser I can see in all of this is your child.

All too common unfortunately.

thaidad

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

thaidad, you're both guilty of point scoring off each other and forgetting you're dragging your innocent child into your problems. Your ex, as you say, won't have a nice comfy house in a nice area anymore. Nor will your child. Your ex went have you in her life anymore. Nor will your child. The only loser I can see in all of this is your child.

All too common unfortunately.

If I stayed she would not let me in the childs life anyway. The mom is to blame and she broke the family up in the first place by cheating I could not win so left.

Big Bag of Chips

Did you go to court for access? Regardless of what she has done, surely you can see by hurting her you are hurting your child. And she is guilty of the same thing. Why not sell the house?

There are other ways of fighting bitter horrible people. They're harder, but they are ways.

I don't blame you for walking away. I have seen dads driven to it. I do blame you for your delight at making your child homeless.

December2012

Op, personally I think you're being unreasonable to refuse him the right to see his child for a week.

You are being more awkward about that than he is about the work hours. They change every week, the weeks holidays can be agreed in advance. So can birthdays, Christmas, Father's Day, mothers day.