No longer attracted to my girlfriend

KomradeBishop

Do active things together - hiking or similar kind of fun/active sporty things, or even just going to the gym together; both read up on and change up diet.

Steve_Carella

Tough love. Keep telling her, directly and honestly, she needs to lose weight to keep your attention. That seems only fair. Keep at it until she's exactly the shape you want. When she's smoking hot and has to start doing threesomes with different guys every night just to stay on top (fnar) of the amount of guys who are into her, she'll be incredibly grateful. She'll probably tell you that herself during the half hour a week that she's able to manage to squeeze in to spend with you. You'll have a good 28 minutes of that to talk with her about stuff, after all.

Outkast_IRE

bjork wrote: »

I'd love to see the look on her face when she unwraps that Christmas present! If the OP survives he should post the video here and maybe do a review of the products durability. :pac:

hey I never said to give her a scales as a present that would be a bit too much . Just buy one for the house in the Jan sales as part of the health kick

darlenmol

Man the threads you've started are gas. Did you arrive from a distant galaxy or something?

Colser

Outkast_IRE wrote: »

hey I never said to give her a scales as a present that would be a bit too much . Just buy one for the house in the Jan sales as part of the health kick

If my ex had bought me a scales at any time of the year he would still be in the ER

whiskeyman

Saipanne wrote: »

Has she talked about her recent weight gain?
.

She probably has but he can't make it out as she talks with her mouth full...

Colser

whiskeyman wrote: »

She probably has but he can't make it out as she talks with her mouth full...

:D:D I shouldnt laugh really as Im on his girlfriends side but....

GreeBo

I was going to recommend you tell her to shape up...but down might be more appropriate.

UCDVet

This happened to me years back with a girl I was dating. We moved in together and she started gaining weight. Once she got chubby, I wasn't attracted to her - I still liked her as a person and all that crap, but I didn't want to keep dating her.

I tried to be a nice guy and suggest we do some fitness stuff together. It was just a pain in the ass though. She wasn't interested, and didn't really make an effort. I got in a better shape, but that wasn't my goal - I just wanted her to get in shape. And she didn't. One day she was like, 'I think the dryer is too hot, my jeans keep shrinking' and I said, 'I dunno, I don't think it's the dryer' and she got all pissed off. Then we had an honest conversation where I admitted she was a fat and I was not into her at all.

She cried and got defensive and stuff. Then she went on a diet. That lasted for like six days. After that she just occasionally talked about her fictional diet she wasn't on, and mentioned things like how she was going to work out later.

We broke up after like two years of living together. She was crushed, and I felt like crap, but I didn't want to be with her.

I swear to God, not four months later, she was back down to the weight she was when I met her. Maybe it was six months. I dunno, but it wasn't very long. And she looked great. I know because she posted pictures of herself and her new boyfriend (the poor sucker) she'd just started dating.

The eventually got engaged and married and now she's fatter than she's ever been.

I really, really don't understand women. I honestly feel bad for the guy that married her. I get that some people like bigger women and that there is no single idea of beauty. But it sure seems wrong to lose all that weight, meet a guy, THEN gain weight. If you want a guy who likes you with a few extra pounds, then have a few extra pounds when you meet him.

corner of hells

Colser wrote: »

:D:D I shouldnt laugh really as Im on his girlfriends side but....

Which side ? If shes that big and you are standing beside her , I'll stop so.

Saipanne

UCDVet wrote: »

This happened to me years back with a girl I was dating. We moved in together and she started gaining weight. Once she got chubby, I wasn't attracted to her - I still liked her as a person and all that crap, but I didn't want to keep dating her.

I tried to be a nice guy and suggest we do some fitness stuff together. It was just a pain in the ass though. She wasn't interested, and didn't really make an effort. I got in a better shape, but that wasn't my goal - I just wanted her to get in shape. And she didn't. One day she was like, 'I think the dryer is too hot, my jeans keep shrinking' and I said, 'I dunno, I don't think it's the dryer' and she got all pissed off. Then we had an honest conversation where I admitted she was a fat and I was not into her at all.

She cried and got defensive and stuff. Then she went on a diet. That lasted for like six days. After that she just occasionally talked about her fictional diet she wasn't on, and mentioned things like how she was going to work out later.

We broke up after like two years of living together. She was crushed, and I felt like crap, but I didn't want to be with her.

I swear to God, not four months later, she was back down to the weight she was when I met her. Maybe it was six months. I dunno, but it wasn't very long. And she looked great. I know because she posted pictures of herself and her new boyfriend (the poor sucker) she'd just started dating.

The eventually got engaged and married and now she's fatter than she's ever been.

I really, really don't understand women. I honestly feel bad for the guy that married her. I get that some people like bigger women and that there is no single idea of beauty. But it sure seems wrong to lose all that weight, meet a guy, THEN gain weight. If you want a guy who likes you with a few extra pounds, then have a few extra pounds when you meet him.

Yep, I've had that happen a few times. Its actually really insulting, in a way. She makes the effort for complete strangers, but not the man she loves.

I simply don't understand.


That said, not all women are like this. But a significant proportion are.

Fukuyama

Can't believe the amount of people who think the OP should tred on egg shells regarding this. I'd understand if the weight gain was obviously a result of some other issue such as depression, loss of a family member, sickness or something... Or if we were dealing with a child or teenager here.

But OP has made it clear - she spends too much time watching X Factor with a tub of Ben & Jerrys in her paws. He needs to tell her that he's becoming less attracted to her (maybe hold off on outright saying she's hideous).

I'd be very wary about embarking on a 'forced' joint fitness regime too. I've no experience with this in a relationship but I do with friends who wanted to get fit. The first week is all Rocky Balboa motivation. After that it becomes a case of dragging a moaning child around the park for a few laps before they give up. Six weeks later they're back in landwhale mode drinking pints, eating like **** and plonked in front of Sky Sports. Twelve weeks later they're asking if you'll help them again. :pac: Don't get caught in a planets orbit.

Ireland is the second or third fattest country in the EU. We poke fun at America for being lard asses but we're not far off them ourselves. In ten years we'll be where they are now. Both men and women.

As far as relationships go, if one half starts piling it on then it shouldn't come as a shock that the other one stops finding them attractive. A good benchmark is to look at her mother or have a flick through the family albums. If her mother was slim in her 20s, got a double chin in her 30s and became a Goodyear blimp in her 40s then it's best to cut and run lest you end up with a fat wife.

Every once and a while I see a woman around the 50 mark who has kept herself in shape by jogging or hiking or whatever. 'Arse of a 25 year old' kind of shape. Normally the type who love their chosen form of exercise and will be up in the Phoenix Park come rain or shine. I always promise myself that I'll try my best to marry one of those rare greyhounds.

Fukuyama

Saipanne wrote: »

Yep, I've had that happen a few times. Its actually really insulting, in a way. She makes the effort for complete strangers, but not the man she loves.

I simply don't understand.


That said, not all women are like this. But a significant proportion are.

No different than a bloke who emerges from the warm safety blanket of a long term relationship, realises his big strong arms are mostly flabby bingo wings and heads for the gym. "Breakups make Bodybuilders etc..." :rolleyes:

Then the minute they hit the 6 month mark of a new relationship all exercise stops and they're back to square one. People who do this aren't exercising for health, they're exercising for the Meat Market which is fair enough I suppose. But it'd be better short term and long term if they kept gym time to at least a few hours a week.

Supercell

Corvus Maximus wrote: »

Yes it would be best to lose the mangina and go talk to her about it. Rather than share it with a bunch of anonymous strangers on an internet forum. For all we know, maybe you're not the man she once knew. For all we know, you could be Jabba The Hut and maybe your girlfriend has adopted a if you can't beat them, join them attitude.

This is the most awesome post I have read on boards in years, kudos.
Winner, do this OP

_Whimsical_

UCDVet wrote: »

This happened to me years back with a girl I was dating. We moved in together and she started gaining weight. Once she got chubby, I wasn't attracted to her - I still liked her as a person and all that crap, but I didn't want to keep dating her.

I tried to be a nice guy and suggest we do some fitness stuff together. It was just a pain in the ass though. She wasn't interested, and didn't really make an effort. I got in a better shape, but that wasn't my goal - I just wanted her to get in shape. And she didn't. One day she was like, 'I think the dryer is too hot, my jeans keep shrinking' and I said, 'I dunno, I don't think it's the dryer' and she got all pissed off. Then we had an honest conversation where I admitted she was a fat and I was not into her at all.

She cried and got defensive and stuff. Then she went on a diet. That lasted for like six days. After that she just occasionally talked about her fictional diet she wasn't on, and mentioned things like how she was going to work out later.

We broke up after like two years of living together. She was crushed, and I felt like crap, but I didn't want to be with her.

I swear to God, not four months later, she was back down to the weight she was when I met her. Maybe it was six months. I dunno, but it wasn't very long. And she looked great. I know because she posted pictures of herself and her new boyfriend (the poor sucker) she'd just started dating.

The eventually got engaged and married and now she's fatter than she's ever been.

I really, really don't understand women. I honestly feel bad for the guy that married her. I get that some people like bigger women and that there is no single idea of beauty. But it sure seems wrong to lose all that weight, meet a guy, THEN gain weight. If you want a guy who likes you with a few extra pounds, then have a few extra pounds when you meet him.

I don't mean to be insulting to you but I think that this attitude is quite immature. You're falling in love with/marrying a person, not a product off a shelf that came with a description and a guarantee to always remain the same. You have to grow with a person in a relationship, people get fat and they lose weight again, it's an ongoing cycle for half of the country, male and female. The only thing you can be sure of with a person is that as the years pass they will not look the same. Expect experiences to change people,expect there'll be times when life is tough and your partner will take comfort in food,expect weight gain, expect gravity to take its toll, expect time to leave it's mark on the other persons face, expect to love them regardless and expect to be loved back as the same happens to you. That's the deal. It's not "stay a sexy tight bunny for my titilation".

There are actually people out there who see past the superficial notion of what their ideal partner should look like at all times who can put up with a year or two of that person being overweight, getting a terrible haircut etc, stretch marks and hanging skin from pregnancy,generally not looking how they did when you met them.

Sorry but I think that girl had a lucky break when the two of you went your separate ways and she found someone to marry who loves her whether she's the cookie cutter shape woman we are told every man wants or if she has a few extra pounds. And don't be so quick to think her husband is a "poor sucker" worthy of pity, he's most likely a very happy man who loves her dearly. Look around you, women of all shapes and sizes are in loving relationships with men who adore them and vice versa. You might be the poor sucker here if you don't get that.

UCDVet

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

I don't mean to be insulting to you but I think that this attitude is quite immature. You're falling in love with/marrying a person, not a product off a shelf that came with a description and a guarantee to always remain the same. You have to grow with a person in a relationship, people get fat and they lose weight again, it's an ongoing cycle for half of the country, male and female. The only thing you can be sure of with a person is that as the years pass they will not look the same. Expect experiences to change people,expect there'll be times when life is tough and your partner will take comfort in food,expect weight gain, expect gravity to take its toll, expect time to leave it's mark on the other persons face, expect to love them regardless and expect to be loved back as the same happens to you. That's the deal. It's not "stay a sexy tight bunny for my titilation".

There are actually people out there who see past the superficial notion of what their ideal partner should look like at all times who can put up with a year or two of that person being overweight, getting a terrible haircut etc, stretch marks and hanging skin from pregnancy,generally not looking how they did when you met them.

Sorry but I think that girl had a lucky break when the two of you went your separate ways and she found someone to marry who loves her whether she's the cookie cutter shape woman we are told every man wants or if she has a few extra pounds. And don't be so quick to think her husband is a "poor sucker" worthy of pity, he's most likely a very happy man who loves her dearly. Look around you, women of all shapes and sizes are in loving relationships with men who adore them and vice versa. You might be the poor sucker here if you don't get that.

That's a lovely thought. That outward appearances don't matter, and that what is underneath is more important.

I can even accept that, for some people, maybe physical appearances don't matter.

But why then, is this pattern of LOSING WEIGHT when single, and gaining weight when in a relationship? That's my objection. If someone wants to be fat, or is fat, that's their business. What I'm objecting to is rapid change after entering a particular stage in a relationship....that is later reversed as soon as they exit the relationship.

If she got fat, stayed fat, and found a new guy - I wouldn't imply that he was a poor sucker. I'd figure he found what he was looking for - a fat chick with a good personality. But that's not what he started dating. He met a very cute girl with a good personality. After they got engaged, she gained some weight. After they got married, she gained some more weight. Now she's quite fat.

Physical attraction is a huge part of dating. Thinking otherwise is, well....wishful thinking.

Highflyer13

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

I don't mean to be insulting to you but I think that this attitude is quite immature. You're falling in love with/marrying a person, not a product off a shelf that came with a description and a guarantee to always remain the same. You have to grow with a person in a relationship, people get fat and they lose weight again, it's an ongoing cycle for half of the country, male and female. The only thing you can be sure of with a person is that as the years pass they will not look the same. Expect experiences to change people,expect there'll be times when life is tough and your partner will take comfort in food,expect weight gain, expect gravity to take its toll, expect time to leave it's mark on the other persons face, expect to love them regardless and expect to be loved back as the same happens to you. That's the deal. It's not "stay a sexy tight bunny for my titilation".

There are actually people out there who see past the superficial notion of what their ideal partner should look like at all times who can put up with a year or two of that person being overweight, getting a terrible haircut etc, stretch marks and hanging skin from pregnancy,generally not looking how they did when you met them.

Sorry but I think that girl had a lucky break when the two of you went your separate ways and she found someone to marry who loves her whether she's the cookie cutter shape woman we are told every man wants or if she has a few extra pounds. And don't be so quick to think her husband is a "poor sucker" worthy of pity, he's most likely a very happy man who loves her dearly. Look around you, women of all shapes and sizes are in loving relationships with men who adore them and vice versa. You might be the poor sucker here if you don't get that.

A huge part of a relationship is physical attraction and a good sex life. I agree with UCDvets decision. Some people are just not attracted to fat women. Also her new husband is probably thinking for all we know the exact same thing as UCDvet was only he is stuck in a marriage with her. If my Gf piled on the pounds I would not be attracted to her and I doubt she would be attracted to me. Theres nothing wrong with saying it. I know plenty of lads in relationships where the Gf or wife has put on weight and some are obviously unhappy as they are out looking for someone else on nights out and stuff.

Saipanne

Dean0088 wrote: »

No different than a bloke who emerges from the warm safety blanket of a long term relationship, realises his big strong arms are mostly flabby bingo wings and heads for the gym. "Breakups make Bodybuilders etc..." :rolleyes:

Then the minute they hit the 6 month mark of a new relationship all exercise stops and they're back to square one. People who do this aren't exercising for health, they're exercising for the Meat Market which is fair enough I suppose. But it'd be better short term and long term if they kept gym time to at least a few hours a week.

I can imagine. I don't gym it up myself, but I manage my portions. I stay in reasonable shape that way.

Fukuyama

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

I don't mean to be insulting to you but I think that this attitude is quite immature. You're falling in love with/marrying a person, not a product off a shelf that came with a description and a guarantee to always remain the same. You have to grow with a person in a relationship, people get fat and they lose weight again, it's an ongoing cycle for half of the country, male and female. The only thing you can be sure of with a person is that as the years pass they will not look the same. Expect experiences to change people,expect there'll be times when life is tough and your partner will take comfort in food,expect weight gain, expect gravity to take its toll, expect time to leave it's mark on the other persons face, expect to love them regardless and expect to be loved back as the same happens to you. That's the deal. It's not "stay a sexy tight bunny for my titilation".

There are actually people out there who see past the superficial notion of what their ideal partner should look like at all times who can put up with a year or two of that person being overweight, getting a terrible haircut etc, stretch marks and hanging skin from pregnancy,generally not looking how they did when you met them.

Sorry but I think that girl had a lucky break when the two of you went your separate ways and she found someone to marry who loves her whether she's the cookie cutter shape woman we are told every man wants or if she has a few extra pounds. And don't be so quick to think her husband is a "poor sucker" worthy of pity, he's most likely a very happy man who loves her dearly. Look around you, women of all shapes and sizes are in loving relationships with men who adore them and vice versa. You might be the poor sucker here if you don't get that.

You can't actually be serious with this are you?

Back in 1950, people didn't get fat until they retired and even then they only got "old people fat" which is like 20% bodyfat. It's not uncommon to see males and females in their 20s finish college, get an office job and suddenly pack on 50 lbs over a couple of years.

This cycle of fatness you speak of doesn't exist. Save for the small percentage of people (like the woman earlier in the thread) who take a look in the mirror and decide for themselves to make a change, most Irish people gain weight and keep it through beer, biscuits and benevolence of others.

9/10 relationships start off because two people liked the look of one another. Obviously a deeper connection is forged over time but if sexual attraction fades the rest of the relationship is going to go under strain. How can you be in a relationship with someone when, hand on heart, you haven't found them attractive in years.

If two people grow fat together then fair enough. But if one person keeps themselves in shape (which takes effort) they'll be aware that they could be doing much better for themselves. Particularly if there's no wedding ring on their finger they'll get more attention off the opposite sex. It's also a bit of an insult that they're working to keep the other person happy and not getting it in return.

I know a few blokes who tend to go for "fat women". Tbh, they're normally not even that fat. Just a little bit of extra padding if you want to call it that. When you're talking rolls upon rolls of fat, inability to run for a bus, double chins etc... most men (99%) would be turned off.

I don't buy into the PC notion that you're supposed to love someone forever no matter what - particularly when it comes to looks. I bet there are thousands of married men deeply unhappy with their partners weight gain but just keep their mouth shut for fear of unleashing hell's fury or because she's the mother of their kids.

Gravity will takes it toll on all of us - but if you jog a few times a week and watch the portion sizes, it won't take its toll until your're 60 as opposed to 25/30.

Fukuyama

Saipanne wrote: »

I can imagine. I don't gym it up myself, but I manage my portions. I stay in reasonable shape that way.

Not too mad on gyms either - I feel like a hamster on a wheel. Prefer the park or beach and bodyweight exercises.

It's an interesting point though. Weightloss is 80% diet, 20% exercise. And it's totally doable to get down to a standard weight without any exercise so long as you eat right and watch portions. So someone piling it on when in a relationship only really has their eating habits to blame.

SMJSF

It could be down to a lot of things.... has her lifestyle changed from when you first met/start your relationship? if she's working and doing an office job, shes more likely to be sitting around all day.
Or it could be that she isn't working and has nothing to do... OP isn't giving a lot of detail about her lifestyle for people to give there opinion on it.

Contraception is another big thing... when I went on the DEPO for the first time, I gained 2 stone within a year. I lost the weight within a few months when the BF and I broke up and I came off it.

Or, she may be pregnant...

Venus In Furs

Paco Rodriguez wrote: »

Ah would ye give over about the shallowness. It's the Ops future.

Nobody said anything about shallowness before your post?

myshirt wrote: »

Very universally known that the bulk of women pile on the weight following marriage. Yes there might be men, but I'd be confident nothing of consequence.

The "bulk"? Well if you want to think that, do I suppose.

Ann84 wrote: »

Why do most men start off with a full head of hair?

In fairness, weight is something that can be controlled - hair-loss isn't.

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

Some gross opinions in this thread...
It is AH I suppose.

Unreal. Some comments are funny in fairness and not meant maliciously, but some... you'd swear farm animals were being talked about.

OP, wait until new year: start by setting an example and going out exercising regularly/buying lots of fresh, healthy food and preparing it. Emphasise too how enjoyable exercise can be and how great it makes you feel.
If she doesn't take the hint, tell her in a sensitive manner that her weight gain is causing you to lose physical attraction to her. Don't do so in a harsh way ("tough love" just means "being a ****") - it doesn't seem like you would anyway, seeing as you love her. If she gets upset, stand your ground - explain you're only saying what is actually a fact, not trying to insult her.

If you didn't love her, I'd just say to finish with her, but seeing as you say you love her and seem to want to remain in the relationship with her, then you'll need to communicate how you feel.
There's nothing wrong with it - people can't help it if they lose attraction to someone who isn't looking after themselves; this loss of attraction is not voluntary.

If she goes really nuts and tells her friends and they all claim you're a superficial bastard and should be attracted to her no matter what her size (total nonsense - dumb women's magazines have a lot to answer for) etc, I'd say jog on. Needy, deluded people and their friends are not worth dealing with in any way.
But at the same time, when you are broaching this with her, be sensitive. I have a friend who says it to me if I'm getting a bit padded (usually in the winter) and it doesn't bother me, I just do something about it, but not everyone is able to face up to putting on weight and it's a difficult one for them.

Things like thyroid and PCOS have been suggested - and they could be leading to her weight gain, but statistically speaking, the likelihood is just consuming too many calories/burning not enough.

Aurum

Venus In Furs wrote: »

Unreal. Some comments are funny in fairness and not meant maliciously, but some... you'd swear farm animals were being talked about.

And I'm sure tomorrow someone in another thread will trot out the "but it's really only women who are critical of other women" line.

The One Doctor

nails1 wrote: »

My girlfriend has gained a lot of weight over the past year and I find myself less and less attracted to her. I no longer wish to have sex with her but still love her which I don't think she realises. Am I best to tell her about how I truly feel or does this sound selfish?

Mine has gained about 10kgs and I love her even more.

She's pregnant. Very pregnant.

Fukuyama

Aurum wrote: »

And I'm sure tomorrow someone in another thread will trot out the "but it's really only women who are critical of other women" line.

There's a difference between calling it as it is and the vitriol I've heard during little bitching sessions.

Saipanne

The One Doctor wrote: »

Mine has gained about 10kgs and I love her even more.

She's pregnant. Very pregnant.

What's your point?

efb

I know I put on considerable weight when going through a bout of depression

Saipanne

efb wrote: »

I know I put on considerable weight when going through a bout of depression

Yes, and there other possible medical reasons too. But if you randomly selected an overweight person from the population, the probability is high in favour of that person being fat because of laziness/poor diet/not caring.

efb

Saipanne wrote: »

Yes, and there other possible medical reasons too. But if you randomly selected an overweight person from the population, the probability is high in favour of that person being fat because of laziness/poor diet/not caring.

What's the breakdown?

Christian Bale

efb wrote: »

What's the breakdown?

Why do you need a breakdown, it's common sense if you have your eyes open that most people who are overweight are overweight because of of their eating habits and a lack of exercise.

JOSman

The OP is lucky that he feels like this now and not 10 years time with 4 kids and a huge mortgage. Do what feels right now.

If the worst comes to the worst, relationships break down but the fact that you still have fond memories of her is a good thing.

Best of luck to both of you.

Fukuyama

efb wrote: »

What's the breakdown?

Studies vary from one to the next and country to country.

Ireland has gotten fat over the past 20 years and there's no point doubting it or hoping statistics will explain why we're all fat because of hormones or something.

If someone get's fat it's best to approach the problem with the most obvious solution the same if your car won't start you check the battery first. If after three months there's no change only then is it worth your while exploring other options. Doing it in reverse only encourages "special snowflake" treatment that's far too prevalent when it comes to obesity IMO.

Lots of people get lung cancer, but the first question everyone asks is "did he/she smoke?".

Saipanne

efb wrote: »

What's the breakdown?

As said above, common sense and an understanding of the bell curve.

Venus In Furs

Dean0088 wrote: »

There's a difference between calling it as it is and the vitriol I've heard during little bitching sessions.

Some of the comments on this thread are not "calling it as it is", they're just downright cuntty.

Joe prim

nails1 wrote: »

Yes the weight gain is because of comfort eating and pure laziness. She also quit smoking so this hasn't helped either in terms of extra weight.

So, fat, but probably smells a bit better, so...it's a trade-off. BTW,Has she much road-frontage, another important factor in Irish romance?

Fukuyama

Venus In Furs wrote: »

Some of the comments on this thread are not "calling it as it is", they're just downright cuntty.

Well this is AH - expect dark humour. Most people who say things on the Internet do so for the "likes" or whatever and wouldn't actually approach the situation like that.

In my experience lads can be cruel to a point of being blunt, but at least they're out in the open about it. Generally, serious bitching by a man is more likely to be called out rather than encouraged. Manys a time I've sat silently on a bus or elsewhere near a group of female strangers who were holding a full-on AGM of the Bitch Society and some girl was getting torn to shreds behind her back with some pretty nasty comments, gossip, agreements to isolate her etc... These weren't teenagers either - women in their 20s, 30s and upwards. I've never experienced that with lads, whether they were my own friends or otherwise. Obviously stereotypes tend to be an exaggerated minority but there's some truth to that one and many women would agree. I've female friends who've said as much and prefer to be friends with men as it simply doesn't occur unless there's actual serious cause for it.

The reality is that, given the situation as the OP describes it, it'd be best to just drop a bombshell on her and see if it has any effect. If it doesn't then the OP would be well advised to cut his losses now before they start piling up. There's no point sticking around for months, treating her like a toddler with little initiatives, mind-games and hints.

Trying to help someone who won't help themselves is a fools game.

beks101

Do both of yourselves a favour and break up with her.

If I gained a substantial amount of weight I'd be under no illusions, I doubt this girl is either. No amount of subtle hints or heavy-handed cajoling or "let's go for a run instead of getting a takeaway"s is going to suddenly convince her to start to lose it.

If she's going to lose it, that decision is going to come from within, because she wants to prioritize her health and clean up her diet and get active, not because her relationship is under threat or her boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with her. If she's a comfort eater those things might make matters worse.

Venus In Furs

Dean0088 wrote: »

Well this is AH - expect dark humour. Most people who say things on the Internet do so for the "likes" or whatever and wouldn't actually approach the situation like that.

There are lots of those dry-humoured comments I found funny or wasn't bothered by. The following though are just to be really arsey. You're probably right though - looking for thanks. Fairly teenage.

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

That's one of the good side effects of her recent elephantiasis, it screws with their ability to get pregnant so whenever he does get the Dutch courage to harpoon that whale there's way less chance of a baby walrus.

supersean1999 wrote: »

Imagine how ****** you will be after you have knocked a few kids out of her.

cabledude wrote: »

Or the OP could start re-tapping the ex-fat bird again. Only 1 thing better than having 1 skinny chic...

Specialun wrote: »

I personally have never "been" with a big girl but by all accounts if they dont get it too often when they do they aperciate it more

ThinkAboutIt wrote: »

If she does anal, the fattie is worth keeping. If she doesn't, then get rid and find yourself a hotter bird.

I'm one of the people of the view that the OP should say it to her, but I don't agree with him just blurting it out bluntly. A bit of sensitivity wouldn't kill him. It's possible to strike a balance between sensitivity and firmness.

But what's with comments too as if it's only women (and seemingly *all* women) who gain weight when they're in a long-term relationship/get older? Yeh beer-guts and jowls are just a woman thing.
It can be hard for some women who've had a baby to keep a trim figure too. Not saying that excuses getting obese, but it does explain a bit of pudgeyness.

Saipanne

Venus In Furs wrote: »

There are lots of those dry-humoured comments I found funny or wasn't bothered by. The following though are just obnoxious.






I'm one of the people of the view that the OP should say it to her, but I don't agree with him just blurting it out bluntly. A bit of sensitivity wouldn't kill him. It's possible to strike a balance between sensitivity and firmness.

But what's with comments too as if it's only women (and seemingly *all* women) who gain weight when they're in a long-term relationship/get older? Yeh beer-guts and jowls are just a woman thing.
It can be hard for some women who've had a baby to keep a trim figure too. Not saying that excuses getting obese, but it does explain a bit of pudgeyness.

I would be ok with oh gaining weight after baby. But in the early days it just shows a lack of interest, imo.

Macavity.

Not the right forum for this, hence the humorous responses.

Anyway, it's quite simple really IMO. OP has three choices.

1) Break up with her.
2) Come straight out and say it (gently obviously) and hope she takes it on board.
3) Stay with her in an unsatisfying relationship.

Fukuyama

Venus In Furs wrote: »

I'm one of the people of the view that the OP should say it to her, but I don't agree with him just blurting it out bluntly. A bit of sensitivity wouldn't kill him. It's possible to strike a balance between sensitivity and firmness.

But what's with comments too as if it's only women (and seemingly *all* women) who gain weight when they're in a long-term relationship/get older? Yeh beer-guts and jowls are just a woman thing.
It can be hard for some women who've had a baby to keep a trim figure too. Not saying that excuses getting obese, but it does explain a bit of pudgeyness.

Agreed with you that those comments are not on - except the one about getting her pregnant and being stuck (although the phrasing could have been better). I agree with that one because it's a personal nightmare scenario of mine. Many men fall in love, ignore the warning signs because they've got love goggles on, get married, have a couple of kids and then wonder why the baby weight keeps growing even though their youngest is 5. Before they know it they're forced to accept that they'll never have sex with someone they're actually attracted to again unless they:

A) Step out of the marriage in secret which the majority wouldn't
Get a divorce and de-facto say goodbye to their kids.

That's a big sacrifice for a man (or woman) particularly if they're only 30/35 and still have a lot of 'playing days' left. If that makes me a bad person then fair enough.

Most people know that men get fat too. But this thread is obviously about a bloke who (presumably anyways) has kept himself in shape and his OH hasn't. So obviously the discussion is going to slide down that route.

Also, in general, men have more muscle than women and can 'carry' weight a bit better (to a point and with obvious couch potato exceptions). A forty year old man with a beer gut but with decent muscle mass is likely a better catch than a 40 year old woman with typically (as a female) low muscle mass but high body fat. It simply has no support and goes south which in my opinion looks rotten.

As for 'post-pregnancy' fatness most men are pretty accepting of this I think so long as some effort is made in the medium-term. Nobody is expecting women to be in the gym the following week like. It is possible to bounce back and remain in good shape and remain attractive, stretchmarks and all. But a lot of women drop two kids, pack the career in, have an affair with carbs and five years later you're married to a significantly overweight partner who you no longer find attractive.

Take a stroll down Grafton street or any town center in Ireland and you'll see plenty of women of this body type. There's nothing aesthetically pleasing or in any way attractive about it. Even people who like fat women don't go after this type of fatness. It's a result of lazyness an poor diet, not age or any other piss poor excuse. A woman of 18 or 80 could have that body type or this one
. The difference is good diet, exercise and not using "being a full-time mommy" as an excuse.

Venus In Furs

Dean0088 wrote: »

Agreed with you that those comments are not on - expect the one about getting her pregnant and being stuck. I agree with that one because it's a personal nightmare scenario of mine. If that makes me a bad person then fair enough.

No it doesn't make you a bad person whatsoever - it's not the sentiments of those comments (there are two of them about that scenario) it's the language that was used to make them.

Most people know that men get fat too. But this thread is obviously about a bloke who (presumably anyways) has kept himself in shape and his OH hasn't. So obviously the discussion is going to slide down that route.

Also, in general, men have more muscle than women and can 'carry' weight a bit better (to a point and with obvious couch potato exceptions). A forty year old man with a beer gut but with decent muscle mass is likely a better catch than a 40 year old woman with typically (as a female) low muscle mass but high body fat. It simply has no support and goes south which in my opinion looks rotten.

Yeh I know this is about a woman, and I'd completely agree also that women are more likely to get fat than men. But the comments to the effect that *only* women/all women get fat when in a relationship are stupid and inflammatory.

As for 'post-pregnancy' fatness most men are pretty accepting of this I think so long as some effort is made in the medium-term. Nobody is expecting women to be in the gym the following week like. It is possible to bounce back and remain in good shape and remain attractive, stretchmarks and all. But a lot of women drop two kids, pack the career in, have an affair with carbs and five years later you're married to a significantly overweight partner who you no longer find attractive.

Yeh but I'm just saying sometimes a bit of pudgeyness is due to having kids, not due to letting herself go.

Take a stroll down Grafton street or any town center in Ireland and you'll see plenty of women of this body type. There's nothing aesthetically pleasing or in any way attractive about it. Even people who like fat women don't go after this type of fatness. It's a result of lazyness an poor diet, not age or any other piss poor excuse. A woman of 18 or 80 could have that body type or this one
. The difference is good diet, exercise and not using "being a full-time mommy" as an excuse.

Don't know why you're saying that to me tbh - I fully agree people shouldn't be expected to fancy people who put on a lot of weight and aren't bothered with their physical wellbeing.

Fukuyama

Venus In Furs wrote: »

Yeh I know this is about a woman, and I'd completely agree also that women are more likely to get fat than men. But the comments to the effect that *only* women/all women get fat when in a relationship are stupid and inflammatory.

I wouldn't put too much thought into comments posted on AH. The majority of the time they're either joking or actually designed to be inflammatory. Lots of people come to the Internet with an axe to grind.

Yeh but I'm just saying sometimes a bit of pudgeyness is due to having kids, not due to letting herself go.

Hmm... I agree and disagree. "Pudginess" could be from having a baby. Not from having kids.

In real life, if anyone took a shot at a woman's weight in the 6 months after giving birth they'd likely be told to shut the fcuk up and rightly so.

What about when the youngest is 5 or 6? Are kids still an excuse then?

Don't know why you're saying that to me tbh - I fully agree people shouldn't be expected to fancy people who put on a lot of weight and aren't bothered with their physical wellbeing.

I wasn't aiming it AT YOU... I've never met you. The first picture I posted was typical of "Irish mammies" if you ask me and not uncommon for women with kids a few years old.

With regard to the woman -vs- men thing, as lot of the time it's made out as though women have the raw deal. This is because a fat woman is (generally) less attractive than a fat man (generally).

However, if we flip the situation around, women have an easier time staying in shape as what would be a high body fat percentage on a man is actually quite trim on a woman.

For Example.

or

Range of BF %

The average woman could go up to 30% in bodyfat and still look pretty decent. Women can only really go down to 10%.

The average man would need to keep things down to 15-20% in order to stay looking 'trim'. Men can go down to 2% for short periods and can stay at 5% if REALLY active, for long periods.

Also, for a man to be really attractive the amount of eating, lifting and exercise needed is insane. It takes years of hard work to build up decent muscle mass and keep bodyfat to 10%. For women not engaged in sports, proper diet is usually enough.

braddun

break up

mfergus

You left her get too comfortable...
start over and don't make the same mistake

Venus In Furs

Dean0088 wrote: »

Hmm... I agree and disagree. "Pudginess" could be from having a baby. Not from having kids.

Meh, that's what I meant.

What about when the youngest is 5 or 6? Are kids still an excuse then?

No? I said pudginess on a woman isn't always due to letting herself go, it can be post pregnancy pudginess. And it's not an excuse, it's a reason.

Fukuyama

Venus In Furs wrote: »

Meh, that's what I meant.

No? I said pudginess on a woman isn't always due to letting herself go, it can be post pregnancy pudginess. And it's not an excuse, it's a reason.

All of the comments made on the thread had nothing to do with pregnancy. Those that had to do with kids were more about being trapped in a long term relationship (due to kids) with a fat woman, not that the kids made her fat.

It's very clearly about women who just get fat and become unfcukable to the point of having a BF % north of 40%. At that point they've likely done permanent damage and I wouldn't blame a bloke for deciding to leave in search of greener pastures. Becoming a personal trainer isn't something people sign up for with a relationship.

Comments about obesity might be hurtful but IMO they're better than the outright lies people whisper to fat people telling them it's normal or okay or a result of their hormones or whatever.

Venus In Furs

Dean0088 wrote: »

I wouldn't blame a bloke for deciding to leave in search of greener pastures.

I wouldn't either.

Comments about obesity might be hurtful

No, not necessarily - it depends on how the comments are worded.
Nothing nasty about telling someone you're close to that you're worried about them because they've become so overweight, or that you're becoming less attracted to them if they're your partner.
If someone is hurt by that, their interpretation is the problem, not the comment. Hurtful comments usually have the intention of being hurtful. An uncomfortable truth isn't always intended to be hurtful though.

We mostly agree with each other!

Yeh people saying to others that it's ok to be really overweight etc is such crap. Funny how when people then lose weight, the same people are congratulating them and saying they look fantastic.

Fukuyama

Venus In Furs wrote: »

I wouldn't either.

No, not necessarily - it depends on how the comments are worded.
Nothing nasty about telling someone you're close to that you're worried about them because they've become so overweight, or that you're becoming less attracted to them if they're your partner.
If someone is hurt by that, their interpretation is the problem, not the comment. Hurtful comments usually have the intention of being hurtful. An uncomfortable truth isn't always intended to be hurtful though.

We mostly agree with each other!

Yeh people saying to others that it's ok to be really overweight etc is such crap. Funny how when people then lose weight, the same people are congratulating them and saying they look fantastic.

Haha okay. Well I guess we agree.

the last part is pretty interesting and is actually the main thing that pi55es me off when it comes to obesity.

I'm not for actually insulting people but I think sugar-coating home truths takes the sting out of them. The sting is often whats needed because fat people are often quite delusional (I mean - they see themselves every day and still make no effort). I've seen this delusion up close in my own family. They often subtly beg for confirmation that they're okay and society's "standards" are to blame.

We have this kind of double-speak where anyone that's fat is moddy coddled and told "they're fine" etc... so their delusions are confirmed as fact. But when they lose weight (on the off-chance) everyone congratulates them. However, outright tell someone they need to drop around 50 pounds in order to be attractive and you're worse than Hitler despite the fact that you're the only person who's actually being honest with an adult.

Tell a smoker to quite smoking and you're some kind of Health God.

I don't know.

Venus In Furs

I wouldn't tell someone I don't really know though (in the same way that I wouldn't tell someone I don't really know that they're unhealthily thin-looking - it's far rarer, but I can think immediately of two such people; they're not healthily slim, they look emaciated) but I wouldn't say to them that obesity is fine either. I'd just say nothing.