help

miriam needs advice

OP here.
Happy new year to everyone. K.Flyer, you say if he really loved me, he would give me all the time to decide but he tells me he can only stay here with me as long as he has a visa which is true i suppose. he always stresses that he needs to stay here to be with me. he has admitted that hed like to marry in a registery office so that he can stay here and be with me and he also said that if i do that, he wont pressure me to have the big wedding or kids until im ready.
he simply wants to just have the civil ceremony so he can stay here and continue to be with me. the difference is, he doesnt see it as a big deal whereas i see it as HUGE. to me, marrying him in a civil ceremony is the same as marrying in a big wedding. they both have the same result of us being MARRIED!!!
hes in a pretty good job and hes a great worker who works extremely hard. hes worried about losing it when his visa expires. i hate seeing that happen but its not my fault but he blames me as he feels the solution to fix this is in my hands. i always feel guilty around him because of this and thats another reason ive kept my distance, to avoid the guilt. every time i met him, he spoiled me rotten and i felt like im not giving him the only thing he needs/wants.

on a side note, he has always been there for me. he lives alone and doesnt have many friends here so he is available to meet me ALL THE TIME. he is literally willing to meet me every second he isnt working. he is completely devoted to me and he tells me im all he has.
his gifts are always the most thoughtful, like things i need and he always gets it right!
he always seems so happy once he sees me no matter what we do together- he takes any opportunity to see me, hes ALWAYS available to see me.
i really cant think of much bad parts to him except when i saw he was trying to book a wedding without asking me first or when he wasnt happy with me eating ham.
as flippyfloppy pointed out, how
can he be so good for 3 years?

i dont mean to sound arrogant but im a goodlooking girl incase that makes any difference.

just an update, i havent seen him at all since i started this post, despite him being desperate to see me. we have been in a small amount of text contact. he sent me photos of lovely meals he cooked for me and told me that he has that big bag of gifts for me. somethings he said to me last night hurt me a lot. he said "all i do is love you to the core and i just get silent treatment. i always cherished your bright teeth and your beautiful eyes and your cute feet. i would like to apologize for anything i did unintentionally to upset u in 2014". i felt sorry for him after that.

he has been accusing me of having a new lad and not deserving his love but apart from that he has been so romantic and lovely in all of his messages even though he hasnt seen my face in so long. he told me he misses me so much.

however, i have taken everything on board and i will forever have doubts about him due to our different cultures and i will always worry what if hes not what hes portraying himself as. i just wish there was an irish guy who was as suited to me as i feel this guy is.

Tigger99

There are so many red flags in that post I don't know where to start. He doesn't sound perfect, he sounds creepy and intense and intent on marrying you for his visa and nothing else. Sending you pictures of meals he's made, even when he knows you won't be there? He really knows how to pile the pressure on. Even if this was an Irish guy with no visa issues I'd suggest you run away fast.

It all feels so claustrophobic.

ABajaninCork

All the time he's putting pressure on you, time's running out for his visa. What exactly has he done about renewing it - Besides trying to hustle you to the altar? Why can't his employer apply to extend his work permit? (Assuming he does have one)

Is he aware that by marrying you it does not automatically mean he can stay? And yes, Miriam you're right. Marriage is a HUGE deal. Especially as you're not sure and pressure's being applied...

Sorry love, but your man's full of it. If he was really interested in extending his stay legally and honestly, he'd have done the necessary with Immigration long ago. He thinks you're the fast pass to citizenship. THAT'S why he's turning the screw!

Run, girl. Run. And keep running. The perfect guy IS there for you. Just not this one.

Stavro Mueller

Miriam, it's telling that just about everyone on this thread has been advising you to end things with this guy. Nothing in your latest post has made me change my mind. In fact, it has served to do the opposite. You are putting an awful lot of stock in the thoughtful gifts he's plying you with, the attention he's lavishing on you and all these meals he's cooking for you. As for bright teeth and cute feet? Where's the sick bucket when you need one?

Whether you want to admit it or not, you've been had. This guy's quite the master manipulator and he knows how to push your buttons. Heck, after reading this I think everyone on this forum knows how to get around you. I'm not sure what it is you're looking for at this stage to tell the truth? A lone voice who'll tell you that no, everything is OK and you should marry him?

bee06

His reaction to you refusing to see him is very strange and would be a red flag for me. Most people would be hurt and furious about you not seeing him but he seems to be doing his best to keep you on side. It also screams emotional blackmail with the "sweet" things he's saying. If it sounds too good to be true it usually is.

"anything i did unintentionally" doesn't really sound like acknowledgement of the issue at all or even acknowledging it's a problem for you. It's as much of an apology as something like "sorry you're so oversensitive" would be

It's just more emotional blackmail along with dinners he knew you wouldn't be there for. Nevermind where he's from or what visa issues he may have, I'd be thinking anyone acting like that is a bit unhinged.
I mean seriously say your friend texted you out of the blue over xmas with "look at this dinner i made for you AND YOU NEVER ATE IT!" you'd go "ehhhh wtf?"

on a side note, he has always been there for me. he lives alone and doesnt have many friends here so he is available to meet me ALL THE TIME. he is literally willing to meet me every second he isnt working. he is completely devoted to me and he tells me im all he has.

This isn't healthy for any relationship either
It's a lot of pressure on you when you both should be out living your own lives with your own interests. Again, context of this situation aside, this would ring bells for me.

i really cant think of much bad parts to him except when i saw he was trying to book a wedding without asking me first or when he wasnt happy with me eating ham.

Those are pretty big bad parts, in fairness. Don't forget trying to convert you to islam against your knowledge or will. Or the constant emotional manipulation. I'd expect someone who was genuinely in love to: find alternative visa solutions, failing that go home and make plans to carry on long distance / visits back and forth / and have a longer term solution in place.
There is just no reason to keep pressuring you for something you don't want, refuse to listen to you, accuse you of cheating, insist you'll never find anyone as good as him and you'll be miserable alone (hello alarm bells), say you're not good enough for him - when there are plenty of alternatives.

Please, please, run. Seriously. There is NOTHING romantic about any of the above. It's manipulative and ticking "abusive" boxes, or at least precursors.

Flippyfloppy

Hi Miriam. My last post , where I was 'going against the grain' well..I guess I was being quite objective. The vast majority of posters here, whom I know from offering consistently sound advice on this forum, disagree with me.

I guess it dismays me to see generalisations upon all men from a certain religion, however a lot of people here do think that even without him being Islamic they would advise you not to marry him due to his pressurisation on such a major life decision.

Your last post where you describe how he has no one else, is always there for you, and spends every free second with you; I do think that is to be expected of someone who has nobody else. He definitely depends on you for a social life here, and is dependent on you for citizenship. I guess that could account for him being so nice and kind for three years, you've been put on a pedestal by him, you=visa=happiness. The question is, what will happen after the marriage?

When he no longer needs you will he stick around? For better & for worse?

ABajaninCork

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

Hi Miriam. My last post , where I was 'going against the grain' well..I guess I was being quite objective. The vast majority of posters here, whom I know from offering consistently sound advice on this forum, disagree with me.

I guess it dismays me to see generalisations upon all men from a certain religion, however a lot of people here do think that even without him being Islamic they would advise you not to marry him due to his pressurisation on such a major life decision.

Your last post where you describe how he has no one else, is always there for you, and spends every free second with you; I do think that is to be expected of someone who has nobody else. He definitely depends on you for a social life here, and is dependent on you for citizenship. I guess that could account for him being so nice and kind for three years, you've been put on a pedestal by him, you=visa=happiness. The question is, what will happen after the marriage?

When he no longer needs you will he stick around? For better & for worse?

Probably not. I've seen it a couple of times at home (a Trinidadian, and a North African guy). Once he gets his stay - he'll be gone so fast, the OP won't know what day of the week it was! And NO - this situation doesn't only apply to men, and doesn't only apply to Muslims.

And I wouldn't like to be with someone so utterly dependent on me. It's stifling and unhealthy.

Teyla Emmagan

I presume he's here on a work visa. Why can't he get another one then? If he's in a well paid job and is a great worker, then why won't his current employer help him get a new visa? I don't know much about the process, but his insistence that marriage is the only way out of this sounds alarm bells to me. Surely if he just wants to be with you (and not 'in Ireland'), he could get a visa for somewhere else, and you could go with him? If he's an Indian citizen would he find it easier to get into the UK (for reasons of empire and stuff)? It honestly sounds to me like being in Ireland is more important to him than being with you (sorry). And he must think you're some mug to fall for the 'a registry office wedding isn't really "real" line'.

I find the whole thing super creepy to be honest.

ABajaninCork

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

I presume he's here on a work visa. Why can't he get another one then? If he's in a well paid job and is a great worker, then why won't his current employer help him get a new visa? I don't know much about the process, but his insistence that marriage is the only way out of this sounds alarm bells to me. Surely if he just wants to be with you (and not 'in Ireland'), he could get a visa for somewhere else, and you could go with him? If he's an Indian citizen would he find it easier to get into the UK (for reasons of empire and stuff)? It honestly sounds to me like being in Ireland is more important to him than being with you (sorry). And he must think you're some mug to fall for the 'a registry office wedding isn't really "real" line'.

I find the whole thing super creepy to be honest.

Actually, it's VERY difficult to get Indefinite Leave to remain in the UK if you're from the sub-continent, Africa, and certain parts of the West Indies, even though they are Commonwealth countries. Even if you're coming for a holiday, there's all sorts of hoops to jump through. Documents are carefully scrutinised (as fraud is common), and the applicants are interviewed in their home countries. They'll also need a letter of invitation to come over, proof they are self-supporting, and proof of employment in their home country. That's before they even leave for the UK!!

Immigration in the UK are also getting wise to 'sham' marriages. Registrars have recently been given the power to stop a marriage if they don't think it's genuine, and Immigration have been known to swoop on the registry office and arrest all if they think a 'sham' marriage is taking place.

Maybe yer man thinks Ireland would be the easier option! But I hear that the Irish authorities are fast getting wise to this too.

miriam needs advice

once again, thank you all very much for the much needed support and advice. i actualy couldn't have survived the distance without you all. I would have felt bad and agreed to go back to how we were. i have to admit, although i find his devotion to me sweet, i have felt suffocated recently. i even blocked facebook notifications as his messages were constantly popping up on my phone and stressing me out. and he clearly noticed because now he is TEXTING me all the time asking me to check facebook. what is the best way to go from here? i certainly am stronger now and am certain i dont want to marry him like this. should i let him return home and see how he acts then? maybe then i will have my answer.
i am afraid to meet him because he will just suck me back in with his niceness and compatibility i feel when im around him...

i think he was showing me the photo of the dinners to try to entice me to meet him.

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Why can't his employer apply to extend his work permit? (Assuming he does have one)



Sorry love, but your man's full of it. If he was really interested in extending his stay legally and honestly, he'd have done the necessary with Immigration long ago.

he doesnt have a work permit unfortunately because he came here on a student visa and his 7 years is now up.
just out of interest,
what could he have done with immigration long ago?

bee06 wrote: »

His reaction to you refusing to see him is very strange and would be a red flag for me. Most people would be hurt and furious about you not seeing him but he seems to be doing his best to keep you on side.

i agree his reaction is odd. most people would probably break up but he is so lovey dovey and romantic, as if hes keeping me on side.

bluewolf wrote: »

There is just no reason to keep pressuring you for something you don't want, refuse to listen to you, accuse you of cheating, insist you'll never find anyone as good as him and you'll be miserable alone (hello alarm bells), say you're not good enough for him - when there are plenty of alternatives.

he has said he doesnt want marriage anymore but im wondering now what his next plan will be....

ABajaninCork

miriam needs advice wrote: »

he doesnt have a work permit unfortunately because he came here on a student visa and his 7 years is now up.
just out of interest,
what could he have done with immigration long ago?

Aaaah. NOW we're getting to it!! He's here illegally. I'd be willing to bet he's working under the table too. He's in deep sh1t with Immigration if they catch up with him. He stands to be deported tout de suite. THAT's why he needs to get married in a hurry...

miriam needs advice wrote: »

he has said he doesnt want marriage anymore but im wondering now what his next plan will be....

And you believe him? Honey - WAKE UP!! Don't hang around to see what comes next. Let him deal with it.

December2012

There are so many red flags. But here is the basic thing - you don't want to marry him now, and he's putting you under pressure to marry.

So let's imagine a different yet similar situation; an Irish boyfriend and girlfriend are in love and everything's going great. She wants to solidify with a firm commitment like marriage. He doesn't want to just yet. Maybe down the road, but notat the moment - everything is great as is.

So she starts to try to get pregnant to force a proposal. She lies about taking the pill or pierces holes in condoms. She loves him and wants the marriage NOW.

She is manipulating him. Even though she loves him. Even though he loves her. Even though, maybe things would be heading in the direction she wants in time. She is putting on pressure to get what she wants.

Can you see how wrong this is? Because it's what your boyfriend is doing to you, irrespective of the genuineness of his proposal and statements about Islam.

He is trying to manipulate you.

And marriage is not something that any person should be pressured into.

Stand your ground.

Don't marry him. Because it's clear from your posts that you do not want to. At least not now.

miriam needs advice

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Aaaah. NOW we're getting to it!! He's here illegally.
He stands to be deported tout de suite.

just an update, he is not here illegally YET. his 7 years will be up this month.

i do agree with everything you all are saying but my heart stung and dropped reading this line. even imagining him being taken away from me breaks my heart. i guess i fell for the guy he pretended to be

ABajaninCork

miriam needs advice wrote: »

just an update, he is not here illegally YET. his 7 years will be up this month.

i do agree with everything you all are saying but my heart stung and dropped reading this line. even imagining him being taken away from me breaks my heart. i guess i fell for the guy he pretended to be

He's here on a student visa. And he's working. I bet it's full time. And if he's not studying, then he's broken the terms of the student visa and is here illegally. Hence the fast ride to the registry office...

Stavro Mueller

The most important thing to bear in mind here is that you don't owe this man anything. You don't have to keep in contact with him, you don't have to help him. For your own sake you need to be extremely direct and then walk away. My feeling is that he's going to do everything in his power to get you back. He'll pester you, charm you, cajole you, try the "you'll never see me again, my life's about to go down the toilet and it's all your fault" line. I wouldn't rule out him turning up on your doorstep, your workplace or appearing on the street in front of you.

On a practical level you should
(1) Get yourself a new phone number. Give it to your family and friends. Then, text him to say it's over and not to contact you again. The straightaway, take your SIM card out of your phone and throw it in the bin.
Alternatively, if you feel you must do so, end things in a public place and have a friend/family member close by. I do not recommend this course of action because it gives him the opportunity to argue his case and reel you back in
(2) Block him on Facebook and any other messaging service you have
(3) Go stay with a friend/family member for a few days so that you can't be doorstepped by him. Or if that's not an option, can you have someone stay with you for a few days. Preferably a man who can tell him to go away.

miriam needs advice

ABajaninCork wrote: »

He's here on a student visa. And he's working. I bet it's full time. And if he's not studying, then he's broken the terms of the student visa and is here illegally. Hence the fast ride to the registry office...

he's working part time hours but he is paid very well for it and his employer loves him due to his hard work. he is also in college a few hours a week and even though his course runs until may 2015, his visa expires in january and the rest of the months from january until may are given for home study to work on a big assignment

Yes I think telling your friends and family it's over and he's being pushy and asking for their help is the best thing you can do right now. Their support will help you through it and help you away from him.

K.Flyer

Regardless of his status and work / studies etc etc they are irrelevant in the bigger picture.
Here is my suggestion to you,
Take the time to read through all of your posts on this thread. Try to pretend for a moment that you did not write them, and read through them as if it was someone else looking for the advice.
What would your own advice be to the poster?

ABajaninCork

miriam needs advice wrote: »

he's working part time hours but he is paid very well for it and his employer loves him due to his hard work. he is also in college a few hours a week and even though his course runs until may 2015, his visa expires in january and the rest of the months from january until may are given for home study to work on a big assignment

Oh dear. I'll re-phrase my original question. If he's here and studying on a bona fide visa, then why can he not get a letter from the college explaining he needs an extension until the course finishes? That's possible. He doesn't need to marry to do that.

And following on from that - I'm sorry. I do not believe he works part-time and is paid very well for it. His employer is likely paying under the table to avoid paying PRSI. For your BF's own protection - does he have a PPSN, pay tax and pay stamp? Does he get payslips??

This is giving off so many bad vibes, and yet you seem to be making excuses for him. Why?

I suppose she's clarifying rather than making excuses -as much as it's ringing alarm bells for us it takes a little time to process ending a 3 year relationship, even if it seems that most of it was a scam

ABajaninCork

bluewolf wrote: »

I suppose she's clarifying rather than making excuses -as much as it's ringing alarm bells for us it takes a little time to process ending a 3 year relationship, even if it seems that most of it was a scam

Yes, Bluewolf. You're right!

miriam needs advice

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

The most important thing to bear in mind here is that you don't owe this man anything. You don't have to keep in contact with him, you don't have to help him. For your own sake you need to be extremely direct and then walk away. My feeling is that he's going to do everything in his power to get you back. He'll pester you, charm you, cajole you, try the "you'll never see me again, my life's about to go down the toilet and it's all your fault" line. I wouldn't rule out him turning up on your doorstep, your workplace or appearing on the street in front of you.

On a practical level you should
(1) Get yourself a new phone number. Give it to your family and friends. Then, text him to say it's over and not to contact you again. The straightaway, take your SIM card out of your phone and throw it in the bin.
Alternatively, if you feel you must do so, end things in a public place and have a friend/family member close by. I do not recommend this course of action because it gives him the opportunity to argue his case and reel you back in
(2) Block him on Facebook and any other messaging service you have
(3) Go stay with a friend/family member for a few days so that you can't be doorstepped by him. Or if that's not an option, can you have someone stay with you for a few days. Preferably a man who can tell him to go away.

you're right i don't owe him anything. i actualy made sure i always bought him expensive presents and paid my fair share despite his efforts to always pay. i didnt want to feel like i owed him anything.

i am scared about his reaction if i am direct. im scared he will force me to collect all the gifts, photos and cards i gave him. he has a huge collection of all the things i ever gave him.
do you really think i should be that harsh by getting a new number and giving no explanation?

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Oh dear. I'll re-phrase my original question. If he's here and studying on a bona fide visa, then why can he not get a letter from the college explaining he needs an extension until the course finishes? That's possible. He doesn't need to marry to do that.

And following on from that - I'm sorry. I do not believe he works part-time and is paid very well for it. His employer is likely paying under the table to avoid paying PRSI. For your BF's own protection - does he have a PPSN, pay tax and pay stamp? Does he get payslips??

This is giving off so many bad vibes, and yet you seem to be making excuses for him. Why?

he actualy did get a letter from the college explaining he needs an extension until may and i went with him to the visa office. it was a gruelling process and the visa officer refused to extend the visa as it would be longer than his 7 year entitlement.
and i know as a FACT that he pays tax as i have seen his payslips so i am not making excuses for him

bluewolf wrote: »

I suppose she's clarifying rather than making excuses -as much as it's ringing alarm bells for us it takes a little time to process ending a 3 year relationship, even if it seems that most of it was a scam

thanks for your understanding and compassion bluewolf

ABajaninCork

I agree with Stavro Muller. I'd send him a final text cutting contact, and then change your number. And BTW - He can't force you to do anything you don't want to do. If he tells you to collect the stuff you gave him, tell him either junk it or sell it. Don't have any more contact if you don't want to.

I totally understand where you're coming from. Your story is identical in every way to what happened to my friend at home. This story is as old as the hills, sadly.

Stavro Mueller

i am scared about his reaction if i am direct. im scared he will force me to collect all the gifts, photos and cards i gave him. he has a huge collection of all the things i ever gave him.
do you really think i should be that harsh by getting a new number and giving no explanation?

Eh?? Why would you be scared of him forcing you to collect all these things? What an odd thing to say. They're more likely to end up in a skip if you ask me. Why would you meet him or entertain any communication from him once you finish this? Seriously.

In light of your fears about his reaction if you are direct, I think getting a new number is a very sensible and pragmatic thing to do. We've established that he is absolutely desperate for a visa. He's not going to simply accept your word that it's over and walk away. He WILL badger you to the point of harassment and you don't sound strong enough to resist. One or two flashes of those sad brown eyes and you'll be apologising to him for this sorry misunderstanding.

You don't have to go down the road of accusing him of using you or anything like that when you break it off. Just say you don't love him any more, you can't see the relationship working and to please never contact you again. Then as I've suggested, throw the sim in the bin.

I'd also advise you to get a couple of friends and family members on board to help. For starters, telling them you're going to end things will make it real for you. You'll also get support from them, both moral and physical. Let's face it, this guy is desperate and he isn't going to go quietly into the night.

Aplotemerges

miriam needs advice wrote: »

story everyone. sorry if its lengthy. ive been with my boyfriend for the past 3 years and he's filled my life with happiness. he is muslim and came here from india to study. he originally came from saudi arabia to india when he was 20. he is now 32 and i am turning 27 in january. from the moment i met him, ive noticed he has been 100% loving to me. HE IS LIKE PRINCE CHARMING 24/7!!!! he listens, he takes notice of things i say, he buys me gifts, he always wants to see me and misses me every second. he is kind, the most caring person i ever met and he is good looking and has a sense of humour. now here comes the issue, for the past couple of months, he has been asking me constantly to marry him as his visa expires in january and he wants to stay here to be with me. he knows i dont feel ready for marriage yet but i do love him and would regret leaving him. ive never met anyone so perfect. but he is constantly stressed for the past few months and on at me nagging for marriage. the cynical voice in my head is starting to doubt if hes only using me for a visa to stay here OR using me to convert me to islam.. i have been very happy every moment ive spent with him but i dont want to be a naive fool who falls for the fake love. ive read so many stories of muslim men wooing western women to convert them to islam or faking love for greencards. i cant help but to wonder is he on his best behaviour until he marries me and then everything will change. all you have to do is google it and theres loads of stories about this happening. as a result of feeling pressured and unsure what to do, ive distanced myself from him for the last month and been quite flaky. i know its horrible the way ive treated him and if it were the other way around, i would probably break up with him yet he STILL wants to marry me..?! is this a warning sign?
also, i would never want to become a muslim. i dont know if i would be forced to in future??? the media has frightened me a lot about islam and his religion just scares me. although, it hasnt impacted me alot so far, i fear it may in the future. how would i feel when my beautiful child is being forced to pray or to be brainwashed by all that...? i mean, i do love the guy and have even read some of the quran to try understand his beliefs. but i simply cannot agree with a religion that says all non believers will burn in hell fire. so all my family would burn? no thanks! if he were irish, i would marry him tomorrow. i wouldnt mind him as he has been for the past 3 years but im worried if things change and he suddenly changed after marriage!! am i stupid to be having these feelings? am i looking for problems where there are none?
his religion hasnt bothered me so far but i fear that islam is always there in the background controlling them. apart from this fear of mine, i love him. thanks for listening. i dont know what to do or where to go from here. should i cop on and treat him as if he were irish? am i brainwashed by bad stories

He is guided right now by one thing only:- his need for a visa! Run away right now girl! He has been nice all along for a visa a visa a visa !

bp

Ignoring the religion or visa aspect, pushing someone into marriage is never right, especially booking the cermony without telling you.

Also there seems to be a constant pressure put on you by him which to me doesn't seem heallthy.

Anyway you seem to have made your mind up but to me it all sounds dodgy... I never trust people who are too perfect or too into a relationship - everyone has flaws etc

CuppaCocoa

New year, new start! I think you know in your heart that this is the right thing to do. Nobody likes a break-up, it's always painful and it takes a long time to get over but my bet is this chap is going to go BALLISTIC if it does happen. You will need all your strength, family and friends to help you through it. In time there will be somebody else for you, you sound like a lovely woman. Good luck in whatever you decide.

miriam needs advice

Hi everyone, OP here. Just an update- I have not met him or changed my mind. This new year has been a fresh start for me, although rather lonely i'm getting by fine. i never told him a reason for leaving him nor did i change my number yet. he has been persistent as everybody expected and i still get his texts on a daily basis. i find it very hard to be nasty to him so i just ignore him. his texts are either him hoping im happy with whichever man im seeing these days or him claiming his undying love for me. his messages now are that he wont ever ask for marriage again but just wants me back. he says his world is turned upside down and he is miserable, cant eat or sleep. he doesnt want us to have regrets throughtout our lives by being apart. he apologised for all the pressure he put me under and said it was only because he had a fear of going away from me.
i dont want to sound like a racist person but all the recent terror attacks particularly on paris have really frightened me and made it easier for me to stay away from him. i dont for one minute believe he has a violent bone in his body but he has the same belief system in common with the terrorists. i am certain in my decision to keep away from him now as much as my heart loves him and probably always will.
As i said previously, i even studied a bit of islam to try to understand his beliefs and the islamic law states that " Muslims should engage in Taqiyya and lie to non-Muslims to advance Islam."
The quran also says
"O you who believe! do not take the Jews and the Christians for friends; they are friends of each other; and whoever amongst you takes them for a friend, then surely he is one of them; surely Allah does not guide the unjust people."
He has his quran which he reads regularly and worships it. it states that muslims are allowed to show friendship to disbelievers outwardly, but never inwardly.
When i read lines like this, i wonder how he can claim his undying love for me. This is constantly in my head reminding me that our whole relationship could have been a lie.
although my love for him is strong, my fear of muslims and their desire to take over the world is A LOT stronger. i wont allow this man to use me to get residency for bad reasons.
i am coping well, i just need to hope he gives up trying to win me back..

ABajaninCork

In that case - Might I suggest changing your number? Quickest way to get rid of him. (see Stavro M's post above)

Stavro Mueller

Or failing that, block his number on your phone. Very easy to do if you've a smartphone.

miriam needs advice

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Or failing that, block his number on your phone. Very easy to do if you've a smartphone.

yes i think blocking is better for me than going to the hassle of changing my number. i have him blocked on facebook and viber whatsapp etc.. i just need to block him once and for all from texting. the thing that has stopped me from blocking him totally is fear of him showing up on my doorstep. that would be a real nightmare. his siblings have even started to establish contact with me in the last few days... sigh.... its getting to a stage where im feeling less love and more annoyance

Stavro Mueller

Do you live alone or with others?

Also, how are his siblings contacting you? Phone, text? Might be worth holding onto those in case you need to go to the guards.

miriam needs advice

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Do you live alone or with others?

i live with my cousin in an apartment very close to home. although he knows where i live, i never brought him over to my place because my mother was never completely happy with me being with a muslim man due to culture differences and she wanted the best for me so although she knew we were seeing each other, i never told her how close we were

ABajaninCork

Uh - I'd be going to the Gards and showing them the messages anyway. Protect yourself. Perhaps if they had a word, he might back off. He won't want to be bringing heat on himself, especially as he'll soon be having visa problems...

miriam needs advice

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Do you live alone or with others?

Also, how are his siblings contacting you? Phone, text? Might be worth holding onto those in case you need to go to the guards.

ah no, its by text but its nothing abusive or anything. they just say "hello?" and "how are you" etc.

Stavro Mueller

Are you replying to them? Where do they live? Ireland?

miriam needs advice

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Are you replying to them? Where do they live? Ireland?

i replied at the beginning to his brother who i had spoken to a few times in the past but then his sisters who i never really spoke to before all started contacting me at once asking how i am and i never replied. they are in india. i sent the ex a message asking him why his family were all messaging me and he said they are worried about him because he is sounding very sad and they feel he might be hiding something

Stavro Mueller

Heh, this is getting better all the time. They're feeling sorry for the poor lamb. How lovely to have such a caring concerned family.

While you've taken the ignore route to date rather than telling him it's over, you're far from being out of the woods. Don't rule out him showing up on your doorstep as he gets increasingly desperate. Have you got any ideas about how you're going to deal with that if it happens? Or if he catches up with you on the street as you go to work or out to the shops?

Jentle Grenade

The "relatives" could be the boyfriend on another phone OP.

As someone with a similarly persistent ex the best advice you have been given on this thread is to change your number. Don't tell him, just change it.

miriam needs advice

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Heh, this is getting better all the time. They're feeling sorry for the poor lamb. How lovely to have such a caring concerned family.

While you've taken the ignore route to date rather than telling him it's over, you're far from being out of the woods. Don't rule out him showing up on your doorstep as he gets increasingly desperate. Have you got any ideas about how you're going to deal with that if it happens? Or if he catches up with you on the street as you go to work or out to the shops?

i know you are right, i have taken the ignoring route. i know its cowardly but i guess i find it easier to do it slowly than to shock him. i have no idea how i would deal with it. my heart rate would go insanely fast. its not in my nature to be rude so i would be polite and kindly tell him i want to move on and that it wont work between us.

Jentle Grenade wrote: »

The "relatives" could be the boyfriend on another phone OP.

As someone with a similarly persistent ex the best advice you have been given on this thread is to change your number. Don't tell him, just change it.

thank you. the relatives are not him on another phone though as they are texts from indian numbers

Flippyfloppy

You're doing really well OP! You've shown a lot of strength. Happy New Year!!

tara73

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

You're doing really well OP! You've shown a lot of strength. Happy New Year!!

can only agree to this. you are very strong and it proves again gut feeling is always right. he's just up for using you to get his visa.

everybody's telling here to tell him it's over and blocking his number, that's the most logical thing to do and easy to say if somebody is not in this situation, and I think you would love to do this but I also think the reason you're not blocking his number is fear? fear of him showing up on your door and ultimately with the possibility in threatening or harming you.

if you're in fear, don't do this on your own. you can't say at the moment how this sh** is developing. I would recommend contacting women's aid or the guards. maybe he's cooling down and nothing is escalating, but you should be on the safe side. contact them and discuss your story with them and that you're worried. I don't know exactly how good is their help or what they might do but if you have the feeling of having a secure back up, you could let him know to not contact you anymore and if he continues to do so you'll in contact with women's aid or even the guards. (I would not be surprised if his pestering texts end very quickly if you mention the guards are involved..)

and what about your cousin? does he/she not know about this and can support you? or your parents? can't they tell him to stop contacting you and if he continues there'll be consequences? it's very important he knows you made his behaviour public with your friends and family, and they support you, I would guess that would already stop him.

Triceratops Ballet

In terms of the harassment, constant texting etc my sister went through this with her ex (he's Irish) texting and emailing her constantly 5/6 times everyday it was getting to the point where she was afraid to go to certain parts of town as she might bump in to him and what he might do.

When she finally confessed this all to me and let me read all the texts and emails. I created a new email address and sent him a long email referencing all his messages and told him in no uncertain terms was he to contact her again or we would be going to the gardaí. They stopped with immediate effect. She hasn't heard from him in over 8 months now.

My point here is that in line with what other posters have said, if you get your family involved and they're helping you it might seem more real to him and he may stop harassing you. If its only you he's up against and he knows how to get around you then he may feel like he can push and push, but if you have support, someone to be strong when you cant be then he wont be able to push as much.

ABajaninCork

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Heh, this is getting better all the time. They're feeling sorry for the poor lamb. How lovely to have such a caring concerned family.

While you've taken the ignore route to date rather than telling him it's over, you're far from being out of the woods. Don't rule out him showing up on your doorstep as he gets increasingly desperate. Have you got any ideas about how you're going to deal with that if it happens? Or if he catches up with you on the street as you go to work or out to the shops?

The family are feeling sorry for yer man, as their investment is about to go to the pictures! Often, the family will put together to send the boy over to be educated and earn money for the family as I pointed out earlier in the thread. THAT'S why the family are putting (subtle) pressure on the OP.

Do you know when the visa runs out Miriam? That's going to be key. If this continues, I wouldn't hesitate to go to Immigration and letting them know the full strength.

It's time to get the gloves off now.

Stavro Mueller

That's what I meant I was typing it on my iPad and couldn't remember how to bring up this little chap =>:rolleyes: You are right though and I'm pretty sure his family back home aren't too pleased with you these days.

I wouldn't call not replying to his texts cowardly at all. It's just another way of dealing with it and perhaps might be a better approach. One of the reasons I suggested you change your number was so that you'd not be tempted to reply. I get the impression from what you've posted now that you've turned the corner and that's not an issue any more.

Have you spoken to anyone you trust about this? Your cousin you share with, for example? Friends? You could yet do with them for moral support. I bet they'd be only too happy to help because I'd imagine they've been suspicious of this fella for quite a while.

I've noticed two themes running through this thread.
The first being that although you say you love him, there's a lot of low-level fear and mistrust running through it. You're afraid he'll turn up on your doorstep. Afraid he'll make you take back all the presents you gave him etc. Not the sort of words you'd expect to hear if someone's in a healthy relationship.
Secondly, you speak of him at times as if he's a poor lost little by. A poor sod who's about to be thrown out on his ear. Maybe. Unless he goes to ground and becomes illegal. Don't rule that out.

ABajaninCork

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

That's what I meant I was typing it on my iPad and couldn't remember how to bring up this little chap =>:rolleyes: You are right though and I'm pretty sure his family back home aren't too pleased with you these days.

I wouldn't call not replying to his texts cowardly at all. It's just another way of dealing with it and perhaps might be a better approach. One of the reasons I suggested you change your number was so that you'd not be tempted to reply. I get the impression from what you've posted now that you've turned the corner and that's not an issue any more.

Have you spoken to anyone you trust about this? Your cousin you share with, for example? Friends? You could yet do with them for moral support. I bet they'd be only too happy to help because I'd imagine they've been suspicious of this fella for quite a while.

I've noticed two themes running through this thread.
The first being that although you say you love him, there's a lot of low-level fear and mistrust running through it. You're afraid he'll turn up on your doorstep. Afraid he'll make you take back all the presents you gave him etc. Not the sort of words you'd expect to hear if someone's in a healthy relationship.
Secondly, you speak of him at times as if he's a poor lost little by. A poor sod who's about to be thrown out on his ear. Maybe. Unless he goes to ground and becomes illegal. Don't rule that out.

Oh, that'll happen all right. Bet on it - I've seen it enough times at home. Which is why I suggested the nuclear option of going to Immigration as well as the Gards if he doesn't leave her alone...

clappyhappy

Well done OP on ignoring him, but as mentioned I would tell a few members of your family what has been happening. Also your cousin should be made aware of all this incase he calls to the apartment some day. He may become desperate as his visa is running out, he may do nothing who knows but be prepared and take care of yourself.

sReq | uTeK

miriam needs advice wrote: »

Hi everyone, OP here. Just an update- I have not met him or changed my mind. This new year has been a fresh start for me, although rather lonely i'm getting by fine. i never told him a reason for leaving him nor did i change my number yet. he has been persistent as everybody expected and i still get his texts on a daily basis. i find it very hard to be nasty to him so i just ignore him. his texts are either him hoping im happy with whichever man im seeing these days or him claiming his undying love for me. his messages now are that he wont ever ask for marriage again but just wants me back. he says his world is turned upside down and he is miserable, cant eat or sleep. he doesnt want us to have regrets throughtout our lives by being apart. he apologised for all the pressure he put me under and said it was only because he had a fear of going away from me.
i dont want to sound like a racist person but all the recent terror attacks particularly on paris have really frightened me and made it easier for me to stay away from him. i dont for one minute believe he has a violent bone in his body but he has the same belief system in common with the terrorists. i am certain in my decision to keep away from him now as much as my heart loves him and probably always will.
As i said previously, i even studied a bit of islam to try to understand his beliefs and the islamic law states that " Muslims should engage in Taqiyya and lie to non-Muslims to advance Islam."
The quran also says
"O you who believe! do not take the Jews and the Christians for friends; they are friends of each other; and whoever amongst you takes them for a friend, then surely he is one of them; surely Allah does not guide the unjust people."
He has his quran which he reads regularly and worships it. it states that muslims are allowed to show friendship to disbelievers outwardly, but never inwardly.
When i read lines like this, i wonder how he can claim his undying love for me. This is constantly in my head reminding me that our whole relationship could have been a lie.
although my love for him is strong, my fear of muslims and their desire to take over the world is A LOT stronger. i wont allow this man to use me to get residency for bad reasons.
i am coping well, i just need to hope he gives up trying to win me back..

Fair play you did the right thing in this scenario. A tip however stop watching sky news there are plenty Christians who want to take over the world. Theyre called bad people........

HiGlo

miriam needs advice wrote: »

"all i do is love you to the core and i just get silent treatment. i always cherished your bright teeth and your beautiful eyes and your cute feet. i would like to apologize for anything i did unintentionally to upset u in 2014".

A person who, after 3 years of a relationship, can only express his love for you by listing your teeth, eyes and feet as items of note is, in my opinion, not in love with you.

I think you are being incredibly strong throughout this and I'm sure it's an extremely difficult situation for you.

Please don't think that you will never find someone with the same level of compatibility. I guess, to some extent, you have to see how well he suited you along the lines of him creating a persona to appeal to you.

Please also don't let yourself think that you've been taken for a fool or that you've been a bad judge of character. At the end of the day, when it came down to it, you picked up on a gut feeling and followed it through - no fool there.

Now that your decision has been made to end the relationship, I feel that it would be only fair to communicate that to him. I know it's scary/hard, but a firm, clear cut ending to it can do a lot to help you psychologically. As others have suggested, get the support from your family and friends first so that if he does turn nasty or difficult you can quickly and easily call on them to back you up/support you.


One important thing. Don't let this whole situation leave a lasting mark on you by making you doubt yourself or resulting in trust issues. Take strength in how well you've handled it and how he's a one off - not an indication of men in general using relationships to manipulate people or to get what they want........