help

suicide_circus

An EU friend of mine had a very similar experience with a guy from Pakistan. Madly in love etc got married in ireland, a few months later he was gone with his visa and residence entitlement. Its several years on now and she cant get married to her current boyfriend as ahe cannot obtain a divorce from the first guy. The whole thing has seriously messed up her life.

Mr. Incognito

Please please please change your number.

It will feel like a weight has lifted.

He is a schemer and a manipulative bully after one thing.

Even the subtle digs about you being with another guy.

Cut the cord clean and get out while you can.

Take a weeks holiday and get away and tell your family whats going on.

He will get more desperate and will try any manipulative tactic. How long before a relative contacts you to say he has had an overdose or some other extreme tactic.

Cut these parasites out of your life.

davmol

Hi OP,

I see alot of negative responses and fair enough.
FYI the recent attacks in Paris have NOTHING to do with ordinary moderate muslims.My cousin is in the same positon as yourself and married a man from Qatar who is also muslim.He got a civil ceremony to stay here .He too has a vvery good job.They are married and he doesnt not want her to convert nor does he want their children to grow up muslim rather to go to a non denominational school and decide for themselves.

Through him i met alot of interfaith people who have married and i have only seen very happy cases.

One man is married to a canadian citizen and he doesnt want to go back to Qatar either and his children are raised without religion.

I find it hard for someone to be falsely 'perfect' for 3 years without showing some cases of their 'real' self coming through.

Its completely your choice but i hope youve made the right one as 'perfect' partners dont come along all that often.

Mr. Incognito

davmol wrote: »

Hi OP,

I see alot of negative responses and fair enough.
FYI the recent attacks in Paris have NOTHING to do with ordinary moderate muslims.My cousin is in the same positon as yourself and married a man from Qatar who is also muslim.He got a civil ceremony to stay here .He too has a vvery good job.They are married and he doesnt not want her to convert nor does he want their children to grow up muslim rather to go to a non denominational school and decide for themselves.

Through him i met alot of interfaith people who have married and i have only seen very happy cases.

One man is married to a canadian citizen and he doesnt want to go back to Qatar either and his children are raised without religion.

I find it hard for someone to be falsely 'perfect' for 3 years without showing some cases of their 'real' self coming through.

Its completely your choice but i hope youve made the right one as 'perfect' partners dont come along all that often.

Booking a civil ceremony online she doesnt want,

Pestering her for a marriage she doesnt want,

These not qualify?

Of your post "he got a civil ceremony to stay here"

Doesnt smack of true love does it.

ABajaninCork

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Booking a civil ceremony online she doesnt want,

Pestering her for a marriage she doesnt want,

These not qualify?

Of your post "he got a civil ceremony to stay here"

Doesnt smack of true love does it.

Not forgetting the fact Boyfriend was planning to convert Miriam to Islam by stealth...

miriam needs advice

tara73 wrote: »

everybody's telling here to tell him it's over and blocking his number, that's the most logical thing to do and easy to say if somebody is not in this situation, and I think you would love to do this but I also think the reason you're not blocking his number is fear? fear of him showing up on your door and ultimately with the possibility in threatening or harming you.

you are totally right. it is fear that is stopping me. and i have noticed that, although it has now been months since i have met him, he still messages me as if nothing has changed. he is so full of love and romantic pictures and soulmate quotes.

dottie_lottie wrote: »

My point here is that in line with what other posters have said, if you get your family involved and they're helping you it might seem more real to him and he may stop harassing you. If its only you he's up against and he knows how to get around you then he may feel like he can push and push, but if you have support, someone to be strong when you cant be then he wont be able to push as much.

i agree. he does know its only me as i never confided in anyone about our relationship and he knows that.

HiGlo wrote: »

Please don't think that you will never find someone with the same level of compatibility. I guess, to some extent, you have to see how well he suited you along the lines of him creating a persona to appeal to you.

yes i cant get over how much what he created of himself suited me!!!
its uncanny how suitable a match he was for me. i started to believe in soulmates when i met him

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

He is a schemer and a manipulative bully after one thing.

Even the subtle digs about you being with another guy.

Cut the cord clean and get out while you can.

as nice as he has behaved seemingly, my health has suffered from the stress of it all also..

davmol wrote: »

I find it hard for someone to be falsely 'perfect' for 3 years without showing some cases of their 'real' self coming through.

Its completely your choice but i hope youve made the right one as 'perfect' partners dont come along all that often.

sadly ill have to live and die wondering if i made a mistake and maybe i will live a life of regret but i feel the consequences of staying with him are too dangerous for me

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Not forgetting the fact Boyfriend was planning to convert Miriam to Islam by stealth...

in fairness to him though, he is far more mature and independent than me. he is more street wise and has always seen me as a bit of a child. i am aware i have a lot of growing up to do hence that i didnt feel ready for marriage. i think he was trying to put me on a good path in his own mind as he feels im dependent on someone.


he has been messaging me a lot recently promising that he wont pressure me to marry anymore and that he realises he was wrong. he told me he has very good news which he wants to see me to tell me. i am only worried incase he is using me to stay here and thats the good news. as selfish as it sounds, i want the best for him but i dont want to be used in any way for him to stay here

ABajaninCork

miriam needs advice wrote: »

you are totally right. it is fear that is stopping me. and i have noticed that, although it has now been months since i have met him, he still messages me as if nothing has changed. he is so full of love and romantic pictures and soulmate quotes.



i agree. he does know its only me as i never confided in anyone about our relationship and he knows that.



yes i cant get over how much what he created of himself suited me!!!
its uncanny how suitable a match he was for me. i started to believe in soulmates when i met him




as nice as he has behaved seemingly, my health has suffered from the stress of it all also..




sadly ill have to live and die wondering if i made a mistake and maybe i will live a life of regret but i feel the consequences of staying with him are too dangerous for me



in fairness to him though, he is far more mature and independent than me. he is more street wise and has always seen me as a bit of a child. i am aware i have a lot of growing up to do hence that i didnt feel ready for marriage. i think he was trying to put me on a good path in his own mind as he feels im dependent on someone.


he has been messaging me a lot recently promising that he wont pressure me to marry anymore and that he realises he was wrong. he told me he has very good news which he wants to see me to tell me. i am only worried incase he is using me to stay here and thats the good news. as selfish as it sounds, i want the best for him but i dont want to be used in any way for him to stay here

Posting from my tablet, so can't bold the text I want.

Miriam. You are NOT a child. You were smart enough to put a stop to his gallop, weren't you? Neither are you making a mistake. The manipulation continues, doesn't it? D Day is approaching and he's ramping up the pressure. Don't you see that??

But I have to ask. Why are you allowing him to message you? Thought you were changing your number/blocking him??

miriam needs advice

ABajaninCork wrote: »

The manipulation continues, doesn't it? D Day is approaching and he's ramping up the pressure. Don't you see that??

But I have to ask. Why are you allowing him to message you? Thought you were changing your number/blocking him??

what do you reckon his good news is?

i have him blocked except for text messages which i think are important to stop me from getting more anxious wondering what he is up to. i get panicky when i think he may be coming to meet me without me knowing or that he is planning things without my knowledge.... not a wedding but something like a wedding that i dont know of, im worried incase he is planning something i dont know anything about so i suppose ive kept his messages for that reason so i know whats going on..

ABajaninCork

Why should you care what the news is? There probably isn't any. It's likely to be a ploy to get you to see him.

Stavro Mueller

I hope for your sake that your insistence on only seeing his good side doesn't come back to bite you. It's as if you can't bring yourself to accept that you've been had. For someone you claim to love, there's an awful lot of fear and mistrust in there.

I think part of why you won't tell him it's over it's that you don't want the fairytale to end. I bet you've told nobody either. Actually I'm not sure what it is you want.

kylith

miriam needs advice wrote: »

you are totally right. it is fear that is stopping me. and i have noticed that, although it has now been months since i have met him, he still messages me as if nothing has changed. he is so full of love and romantic pictures and soulmate quotes.

This is not normal. Any normal guy, even if he was head over heels in love with you, would not continue to message you months after you have cut contact with him. That is stalker behaviour.

My advice is to send him one last message telling him that you have no interest in hearing from him further and that if he continues to text you you will be reporting his harassment to the Gardaí.

Teyla Emmagan

Don't fall for the good news thing. You will probably be slipped a roofie and wake up in a registry office.

Seriously Miriam, this is creepy. He is just trying to reel you back in. Don't fall for it!!!

Stavro Mueller

Miriam, I think you need to take a hard look at yourself too. Ask yourself are you feeding off the drama? I didn't realise it was months since you'd last met him. I assume you smelled a rat and stopped meeting him in person. So why are you continuing to indulge him? You're obviously getting some sort of ego boost from his flattery. The same sort of behaviour someone else here rightly compared to that of a stalker.

If you don't want to deal with him just yet, I strongly suggest you to talk to a trusted family member or friend and see what they advise. Unless you want this to rumble on and on. Despite the length of this thread nothing actually has changed, has it?

tinkerbell

OP, you seem to be feeding off the drama. Nothing has changed. Who cares what he is planning? He's not your problem anymore. You have a simple solution to this - change your phone number. Changing that will mean he cannot contact you. He could still show up on your doorstep but he could do that regardless if you change your number or not.

And who cares what his news is? You want him out of your life so stop feeding the drama. Change your number and stop keeping in touch with him. He's playing you for a complete fool as he has reeled you back in again with this good news rubbish.

ABajaninCork

Sorry, but I agree with Stavro M.

Miriam -you've been given page after page of advice. Most of it confirming what you already knew. I'm so sorry you've been taken advantage of, and fooled into believing something was real. Especially after so long.

Matey is NOT the man you think he is. He's still treating you as an idiot FFS. Telling you there's good news which he has to tell you in person. Please! You're smarter than that, surely?

Are you hanging on to the texts to fool yourself into thinking otherwise? Hard to tell. But we can't help you any more hun. You have to take it the rest of the way.

Good luck to you!

LegacyUser

I would not be meeting him to see what his "good news" is OP.

Call me paranoid, but the sound of this guy scares the fcuk out of me, I imagine he is actually furious that his plan has been foiled and that he can't seem to control what you do.

If you met him to hear this "good news" I would worry that he was just using it to try one last time with you again and that if you refused he might attack you physically or more..

Extreme maybe, but I've read so many horror stories of similar things about fake controlling stalkerish obsessed men of all religions) Especially because he seems to be convinced you are seeing a new man I would worry he was going to hurt you.

Please don't meet him.

davmol

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Booking a civil ceremony online she doesnt want,

Pestering her for a marriage she doesnt want,

These not qualify?

Of your post "he got a civil ceremony to stay here"

Doesnt smack of true love does it.

I dont think you are putting yourself in the position of someone who is desperate to stay in a country where perhaps the only legal means is marriage or a long drawn out legal process.I know and have heard of alot of Irish people who have married US and Austrlain citizens out of pure desperation to stay in a country where they have fantastic job and lifestyle prospects.
As far as i can see,she does want a marriage(if he was irish she would get married tomorrow-in her words) but is scared of what she perceives as his hidden agenda which may or may not be true.

While the attangement may not smack of love as you say ,life isnt always ideal and sometimes desperate measures call for desperate actions.We all cant have a lovely engagement and marraige at our leisure and timing.

The good news is a ruse to get you to show up. God knows you'll probably end up kidnapped and forced to a registry office or locked away so you end up back in his control. Seriously op block his texts and move on

tara73

Miriam, if you're not ready yet to block his number, did you confide in anybody, parents, friends cousin as we suggested here? I can understand for some reason why you're not completely blocking him as you confirmed it is out of fear but if you really want to stop this and you need to get this man out of your life, the next step is to confide in whoever you trust enough and let him know it's over.

if you're not doing this anytime soon, I agree with the others, you are feeding the drama and don't really want him out, you obviously want or are dependant on the 'nice' words and attention from him.
if it's the latter, it's true, everything was said and suggested and we can't help you anymore.

please be strong as you were, move on and get him out of your life with not a single hint of a back door for him to come back.

ABajaninCork

I'd nuke him. Get on to Immigration and tell them he's overstaying. THAT would put a stop to his gallop!!

tara73

ABajaninCork wrote: »

I'd nuke him. Get on to Immigration and tell them he's overstaying. THAT would put a stop to his gallop!!

I can understand you don't want to do this in the first place. it's not long ago you had feelings for this guy and you obviously still have and I don't think it shows a lot of style to run and denunciate that guy without letting him definetely know it's over and see how things develop. we still don't know.

if things get really nasty, you can keep it in mind as a last option.

ABajaninCork

tara73 wrote: »

I can understand you don't want to do this in the first place. it's not long ago you had feelings for this guy and you obviously still have and I don't think it shows a lot of style to run and denunciate that guy without letting him definetely know it's over and see how things develop. we still don't know.

if things get really nasty, you can keep it in mind as a last option.

Whilst the above is noble, I'm not sure how much clearer Miriam can make it. Don't forget she hasn't seen him for weeks. And his messages have largely been ignored. HE clearly hasn't got the message that she doesn't want to marry him and to please leave her alone.

Marriage is out of the question for now, as he's left it too late. Perhaps he wants to try for a 'de facto' visa as the partner of an Irish national. So the pestering and manipulation go on.

Whilst it's nice to do things in 'style', sometimes the message has to be delivered with a sledgehammer, if 'nicey nicey' ain't working. Sometimes, you just have to press that button.

miriam needs advice

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

It's as if you can't bring yourself to accept that you've been had.

you are right, it's taking a while to sink in that i've actualy been had and i think unless you're actualy in a relationship with him, you wont realise how good and convincing he was. he deserves an oscar for playing the role of my soulmate so well.

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

Don't fall for the good news thing. You will probably be slipped a roofie and wake up in a registry office.
Seriously Miriam, this is creepy. He is just trying to reel you back in. Don't fall for it!!!

thank you. i wont fall for it. im being very careful.

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

You're obviously getting some sort of ego boost from his flattery.

im not getting any ego boost. i suppose it just takes me time to kill feelings which grew over 3 years. as false as he most likely was, i loved what he was. he was very good to me and never mistreated me. i am very much aware that he is a manipulative man and thats why i have stayed away from him. its the hardest decision i've ever had to make.

ABajaninCork wrote: »

I'm so sorry you've been taken advantage of, and fooled into believing something was real. Especially after so long.

i am not going backwards but is everybody 100% certain he played me all along and didnt love me like he said. i am not having second thoughts at all, i just want to emphasis HOW good he was all along (always there for me etc)
i have left him and theres no going back. i just want to put my mind at ease.

Scary Situation wrote: »

I would not be meeting him to see what his "good news" is OP.
Call me paranoid, but the sound of this guy scares the fcuk out of me, I imagine he is actually furious that his plan has been foiled and that he can't seem to control what you do.
If you met him to hear this "good news" I would worry that he was just using it to try one last time with you again and that if you refused he might attack you physically or more..
Extreme maybe, but I've read so many horror stories of similar things about fake controlling stalkerish obsessed men of all religions) Especially because he seems to be convinced you are seeing a new man I would worry he was going to hurt you.
Please don't meet him.

thank you so much for your concern. i dont think i will meet him. i would be highly shocked if he was ever violent towards me as he has never shown any violence and very little anger. but you have a good point, i guess i dont know what hes capable of now that his plan has gone down the drain. i have to admit i am scared in my own way. im scared because if he created that personality all along, then i have NO IDEA what he is capable of.

davmol wrote: »

I know and have heard of alot of Irish people who have married US and Austrlain citizens out of pure desperation to stay in a country where they have fantastic job and lifestyle prospects.
While the attangement may not smack of love as you say ,life isnt always ideal and sometimes desperate measures call for desperate actions.We all cant have a lovely engagement and marraige at our leisure and timing.

would he not have good lifestyle prospects in india too? he is very very clever. i agree that life is unlucky for some but i think faking love for someone or pretending to be someone you're not in order to get a visa is one of the worst things you can do to someone.

tara73 wrote: »

Miriam, if you're not ready yet to block his number, did you confide in anybody, parents, friends cousin as we suggested here?

im definitely not enjoying the drama. i didnt tell my parents the situation because they dont even know i was in a relationship with him. i told them we were just good friends because i knew they probably wouldnt have approved. id be embarrassed now to tell them its over. i hope you understand. but i am going to talk to him once and for all and tell him nicely that i simply dont see us working out. i will explain that his visa expires and i am not ready to settle down like he is and that i also cant live in india. i will tell him i enjoyed my time with him and wish him the very best.

tara73 wrote: »

I can understand you don't want to do this in the first place. it's not long ago you had feelings for this guy and you obviously still have and I don't think it shows a lot of style to run and denunciate that guy without letting him definetely know it's over and see how things develop. we still don't know.

thank you tara. i certainly wouldnt do this to him. he was always emotionally supportive of me through hard times and he helped me get a job when i was unemployed. he did the best for me. i wouldnd't be able to turn on him like that.

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Marriage is out of the question for now, as he's left it too late. Perhaps he wants to try for a 'de facto' visa as the partner of an Irish national. So the pestering and manipulation go on.

i wont ask this question again but do you think he wants the visa 100% to stay here for his work and good career prospects or would any percent be to build a life with me? im sorry for asking, i just want to turn off the naive side of my brain.
i just googled defacto visa and now that i think of it, he always tried to get my name on his things. he wanted me to sign his lease as a witness which i didnt do. i know that when we were thinking of going on holidays, he took out travel insurance in both of our names. i told him i didnt need travel insurance but he still got the document sent out with my name on it. and also, he asked me could we open a joint account. i said no i did not want that and we never did. all of this was over a year ago. it freaked me out a lot at the time though because it felt like married couple territory. im sorry for only mentioning this now but i only thought of the defacto visa and maybe he was using a defacto as a last resort. i really dont like the sneakiness with him. i know he has all my cards and photos. would he be able to get a defacto visa without me even knowing???

miriam needs advice

I've answered my own question i think. He has without a doubt had the defacto option in his head for the past year or two. i have no idea what documents he even has with my name on them!!!! maybe his good news is that he has got a defacto visa. how can i make sure he has not done this behind my back? in all of his recent messages, he says he is totally happy not marrying me so im wondering why the sudden change... he clearly has something up his sleeve and i just hope he isnt involving me. im sure he would need me to be present to get a defacto visa?
so finally, i intend to send him a final message that i dont want any of this. if he is staying here by his own means, that is fine but i am not ok with him using me to stay.

Big Bag of Chips

He has all your cards? What cards? You are in so much danger here and you don't see it. If he is indeed using some form of identification to apply for a visa YOU could end up in pretty serious trouble yourself for lying to the authorities on his visa application.

I know you don't want to get him in trouble, but would you prefer to land in trouble yourself? How would you explain that to your parents then? For God sake stop pussyfooting around this. By sitting back and waiting you are handing him the power to ruin your life. Maybe he isn't intending to "ruin your life", but you could just be collateral damage in him setting his own life up.

Go to the guards and ask advice. And do not meet him on your own.

miriam needs advice wrote: »

how can i make sure he has not done this behind my back?

Ring immigration and ask.

Neyite

miriam needs advice wrote: »

I've answered my own question i think. He has without a doubt had the defacto option in his head for the past year or two. i have no idea what documents he even has with my name on them!!!! maybe his good news is that he has got a defacto visa. how can i make sure he has not done this behind my back? in all of his recent messages, he says he is totally happy not marrying me so im wondering why the sudden change... he clearly has something up his sleeve and i just hope he isnt involving me. im sure he would need me to be present to get a defacto visa?
so finally, i intend to send him a final message that i dont want any of this. if he is staying here by his own means, that is fine but i am not ok with him using me to stay.

My ex was keen on a paper trail too. My view would be that as friends, when the time comes, you'll be pressured into lying that you are de-facto rather than split. This is why he wants the continued contact. These texts that seemingly ignore yours and declare love are also 'proof'.

So now, don't you see, that ANY form of contact is a bad idea? Op, say he does try to drag you into his visa process, and it fails, what if the man you DO want to marry down the line is also a non-eu? Your name would be flagged against a fake application and a real one would come under intense scrutiny and you could end up fighting red tape. Or if you want to move to another country and visa checks throw up this mans lies and your connection to them. You could even risk being denied a holiday visa based on the risk that you were connected to a fake visa application. This has the potential to be a right headache down the line for you.

There are lots of reasons why contact needs to end. You know what you need to know. You've got the answers you need, don't kid yourself. You know its time to cut contact but you are stalling.

What I would suggest too is to print off this thread as it shows exactly when you tried to leave the relationship and might come in handy down the line if you are asked about dates and times etc.

Taltos

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

...

Go to the guards and ask advice. And do not meet him on your own.
Ring immigration and ask.

I would also seek immediate legal advice OP.
Not sure why you still see the best of him and aren't aware of the risks to you in all of this.

Raminahobbin

This is not going to just go away, Miriam, like I think you were hoping. You need to realise this.

He's put too much work into it, especially if you think he has been gathering for a defacto. Have no more contact with him, but you need to look after yourself here, NOW.

Ring immigration and tell them not to entertain visa applications linked to your name.
Go down to the guards and talk to them. They won't do anything, they won't contact him unless you want them to (and, tbh, a visit would do no harm), but you should have your concerns on record, just in case.
Talk to a friend or family member, please. Someone needs to know what's going on.
Get legal advice.

And, for god's sake, change your number!! Don't just block his texts, change your number. I know it's a pain, but it is necessary!

tara73

miriam needs advice wrote: »

I've answered my own question i think. He has without a doubt had the defacto option in his head for the past year or two. i have no idea what documents he even has with my name on them!!!! maybe his good news is that he has got a defacto visa. how can i make sure he has not done this behind my back? in all of his recent messages, he says he is totally happy not marrying me so im wondering why the sudden change... he clearly has something up his sleeve and i just hope he isnt involving me. im sure he would need me to be present to get a defacto visa?
so finally, i intend to send him a final message that i dont want any of this. if he is staying here by his own means, that is fine but i am not ok with him using me to stay.

holy crap! I didn't know about the existence of a de facto visa and read it up. from reading it the conditions seems too good to be true for someone who wants to forge it.

quote:
15.In some cases it may be necessary to interview both the Applicant and the Sponsor

does this mean, they don't even obligatorily invite the sponsor and the applicant for an interview? so it could very well be he sent in stolen or forged documents with your name and they don't verify it with meeting you in person?


This changes everything and I agree, would ring immigration first thing on monday. I think people here are right, this is not ending easily.

OP this is pretty simple
block his number or get a new one right now
Ring immigration first thing monday morning.
TELL A FAMILY MEMBER. What if something happens to you and nobody knew about it or where to go looking?

Sitting around worrying and analysing will do absolutely nothing for you right now except get you deeper into trouble. I know it's not nice to deal with but right now being practical needs to come first and you can deal with the emotional fallout after.

Big Bag of Chips

Just to clarify, OP, incase you think people are being hysterical and warning you of the danger you are in. I don't mean physical danger. I mean the potential legal danger you are in.

You are sitting around unsure. You're not sure what documents he has belonging to you. You're not sure if he's using your name to apply for anything... YOU'RE NOT SURE!!

What possible harm could come from making sure? Checking with immigration? Finding out if you are potentially, and unwittingly committing fraud?

What harm could come of sitting back and waiting until you get a summons in the post to find out?

At least find out if your name is on any application.

ABajaninCork

miriam needs advice wrote: »

would he not have good lifestyle prospects in india too? he is very very clever. i agree that life is unlucky for some but i think faking love for someone or pretending to be someone you're not in order to get a visa is one of the worst things you can do to someone.

No. Indian salaries are certainly not the same as here, UK, US or Canada. The job prospects aren't as good either, never mind the fact that the Indian economy is doing better than here. There's a lot of corruption there too, so you have to know the right people, in order to get ahead. Don't forget the caste system exists too, so not only do you have to know the right people, you have to be in the right caste too. Thankfully, the caste system seems to be dying down a little now, but it definitely does exist.

I'll tell you a little story. A good friend of mine at home is Indian. His son's just qualified as a dentist and has met a very nice girl who's also a dentist. But she's of a different caste. My friend told me he and his wife have no objection to the girl as she's from a good family, and is a lovely girl. But had either his or his wife's parents been alive, he would have had no choice but to refuse the marriage. That's how things work in sub-continental culture.

I agree it's an awful thing to pretend he's in love with you in order to facilitate a stay. I have no doubt he did have feelings for you, Miriam. But he loved the fact you're Irish even more. As soon as he got what he wanted, he would have been off. And therefore free to marry someone more 'suitable'. Sad, but true. You know that now, I'm sure.

I realised he might be trying for a de facto visa as soon as you said he was dropping the idea of marriage. Which is why I suggested going to Immigration if he didn't leave you alone.

kylith

miriam needs advice wrote: »

i didnt tell my parents the situation because they dont even know i was in a relationship with him. i told them we were just good friends because i knew they probably wouldnt have approved. id be embarrassed now to tell them its over.

You need to get over this embarrassment. Just tell them 'Remember X? We were dating for a while but I've ended it and he won't stop texting me trying to get me to meet him'.

NewYork1979

I wish you well OP, I really do think you are making the right decision.

I went out with a guy who exhibited similar traits to this guy, he was Irish. I could have ticked off your examples to my experience. He was overbearing, went mad when I didn't reply or answer the phone or texts. He was always there, going out on my own was a no no, no life of his own. He kept buying me stuff. He did all this behind a mask of how much he cared about me. It was so unhealthy and so far from love. When I broke it off which didn't take long as I really couldn't cope with him, he was the nastiest person, called me user, after all he had done for me, I'd never get better, he was always there for me etc. I was so lucky I got out.

You had a narrow escape even aside from the religious aspect of your ex, it's emotional abuse. I would cut off all contact now, it's not going to help, think of now as being onwards and upwards. I had to do that, cold turkey and he still went on for months, thank god we lived miles away from each other. I'd tell someone too, someone should know.

Best wishes for your future.

LegacyUser

Please dont meet him. Just block his number. You dont owe him an explanation. IJust call immigration tomorrow and stay away.

ABajaninCork

Just thinking this through. If Miriam calls Immigration tomorrow as suggested, would they be able to tell her anything vis a vis the de facto visa? They might not on Data Protection grounds. Certainly, I doubt they'll be able to tell her whether he has the necessary visa or not.

I'm beginning to think the best thing to do is to speak to an Immigration solicitor.

Raminahobbin

I definitely don't think they'll tell her anything about his own applications due to the Data Protection acts, but she can tell them not to entertain applications linked to her. It might be a very one sided conversation, with her voicing her concerns and giving details, and them just nodding and taking note, but it's still a conversation worth having. The person at the other end will know what to do with the information and might even have some advice for her.