Is this some kind of sexual assault? <Mod Warning: Posts #1, #106, #153>

Genegirl83

Littlekittylou wrote: »

If there is no evidence she is we should disregard it. It's what the girl said and did as well as what the guy said and did.

He walked in to their room and fondles himself in the night.

It looks not at all like sexual assault but rather more like sexual harassment.

It actually does not matter if he was sleep walking. He is still responsible.

Talk with him. If he says it was sleep walking (which is a spurious suggestion there is no evidence of it) then ask him to lock his door it is his responsibility to stop it happening again.

There is a context of his behavior he makes odd threatening remarks as in 'don't mess with me'. Etc.


I would give him one chance and talk about it. I would say in no uncertain terms that this must not happen again.

It is not just about your partner you were in the room too.

If he is unresponsive. Then personally I would not agree to spend the night with your GF there again for the sake of keeping yourself safe. I would try and get her to leave. It is a toxic environment to be in.

It is absolutely sexual harassment. It was a gross invasion of your privacy both of you as individuals and as a couple.

If it was sleep walking (which given his previous aggressive comments I really doubt) it is still his responsibility to ensure it does not happen again.

If it was a mistake all he need do is apologize profusely and never let it happen again if it was sleep walking then he should be eager to make amends for it. If he is not then I highly doubt it was sleep walking and was in fact intentional.

It is not an assault in my opinion if it was accidental it was inappropriate and a misdemeanor. If it was deliberate it was harassing.

He made his way into your room and had his hand down his trousers. It must have scared you. So I am sorry about that.

If it was sleeping walking then he should know so he can stop it before he gets into serious trouble and you should not have to put up with it anyway.

But given the fact that he has behaved awfully before all this I would wonder about him. You can't predict what he might do and that ambivalence would give anyone pause. Walking around with your hand in your pants in someone else's bedroom when they are there with there partner in the middle of the night is weird.

This is great - it's exactly what I'd like said. I suppose the only thing stopping me is that he'd become incensed or violent. Alternatively though he might finally get the message.

Genegirl83

blatantrereg wrote: »

Don't know whether it would be considered sexual assault, or a different criminal act or whatever else. We're not allowed get into that sort of discussion in any case. The guards would be able to advise in that regard. They might talk to the man about his behaviour even if they wouldn't look to arrest him.

Beyond that it would achieve two things. Firstly it establishes that this sort of behaviour isn't going to be ignored or accepted. Secondly it drives home to the woman that it's a serious matter.

I wouldn't read into the woman not wanting to move. It's pretty common for people being victimised in one way or another to refuse to acknowledge it. It's distressing to acknowledge you are being preyed upon in one way or another, so it is human to pretend you aren't. Also it was mentioned that she is a doctor or a medic. She might have a very demanding job, and just not have the energy to deal with much outside of it.

Thank you, this is it in a nutshell.

Plates

Incredibly serious event which is being reduced in gravity by being posted on a forum such as this. If it happened as you've said it did then report it to the Gardaí and leave it to the professionals to investigate.

Genegirl83

Plates wrote: »

Incredibly serious event which is being reduced in gravity by being posted on a forum such as this. If it happened as you've said it did then report it to the Gardaí and leave it to the professionals to investigate.

But I needed clarification it was in fact serious... I wasn't even sure! It certainly felt wrong but I didn't know whether it was gardai-worthy or not. And to be fair, I'm still not. Look at the replies, either she's cheating on me or the gards wouldn't do anything or else it's big and it's "something"...?

Taltos

Plates has received a yellow card (warning) for ignoring the clear mod instruction.
Generally all such breaches get a red (infraction) or a ban.

Final reminder guys. Keep your posts constructive to the OPs issue.
Posts derailing the issue by questioning the veracity or the impact to the OP will NOT be tolerated. Posters who insist on "scoring points" will be treated in the harshest manner this forum allows. This is a serious issue to the OP and must be treated as such.

If posters have an issue with a post - do not respond to it, if you feel it goes beyond the guidelines or spirit of this forum please report it and allow sufficient time for a moderator to come on line and deal with it.

Thanks
Taltos

Penny Tration

OP, I see you've posted numerous times about why your girlfriend can't move out yet. Pretty valid reasons, too.

However - why are you and she putting her work/finances ahead of her safety? You say this has been going on for a year, with a break while he had a girlfriend, and has escalated with the indecent exposure.

There's no excuse or reason good enough to stay there. A hostel would be safer than living with that guy.

seventeen sheep

I do have to wonder what benefit there would be in reporting the incident to the Gardai or to anyone else.

One advantage would be that if, before she moves out, he ends up physically sexually assaulting her, she'll have a stronger case because of having this incident on file. However if you/she really thought this was a likely possibility, obviously she'd have to somehow find a way of moving out now.

But other than that ... What are the Gardai going to do? I can't imagine they'd prosecute - there is absolutely zero evidence, apart from what you saw and how you interpreted it. They would probably offer to have a word with the guy, but chances are that would only aggravate him and make the current living situation even more difficult.

Seeing as she's not there much longer, I would advise that she fits a strong bolt IMMEDIATELY. It's unlikely the landlord will bother deducting from the deposit for this, and even if he does, it's a small price to pay. I would also advise that your girlfriend should discreetly carry a rape alarm - seems odd, to carry it around the house - but if anything did happen, it would buy her a few seconds of distraction at least. (And possibly alert neighbours, too.) Obviously she should minimise interaction with him until she moves out, and avoid telling him she's leaving for as long as she possibly can.

If she does approach the Gardai, well if I were in her position, I'd be making them aware of the situation and looking for advice - rather than asking them to take any action. At least then the address would be hopefully flagged on their system, so if there ever was any disturbance at the address, they'd hopefully take it seriously and get there very quickly.

I probably wouldn't be above setting out some little trap for a few nights, e.g. putting a small bit of powder on the outside of the door handle or on the floor just outside the door, and checking in the mornings to see if he's been there.

I'm curious about one thing though. I don't think you mentioned anything about him actually opening the door, or entering the room. Had you left the door open going to bed? In any houseshare I've ever lived in, it would be SUCH a no-no to leave the door open while having sex. Not only that, but you were making enough noise to wake the guy up.

Ignoring the fact that he seems to be a lecherous creep anyways ... Isn't it possible that he was woken up by ye, was pissed off, and came out to bang on the door and tell ye to keep it down ... And that he didn't expect the door to be wide open. So he froze in hesitation, unsure how to deal with the situation, and that's when you saw him? (As for the hand down his pants - from living with three brothers, multiple male housemates, and a couple of boyfriends over the years, this seems to be a natural thing for many men, to wander around with their hand down their boxers when sleepy, without even realising it, I don't understand it but there you go, it's not necessarily a sexual thing.)

If he actually opened the door, he was completely in the wrong. But if you'd left the door open yourselves, it could have actually been quite innocent on his part ...

Genegirl83

Jingle_Balls wrote: »

OP, I see you've posted numerous times about why your girlfriend can't move out yet. Pretty valid reasons, too.

However - why are you and she putting her work/finances ahead of her safety? You say this has been going on for a year, with a break while he had a girlfriend, and has escalated with the indecent exposure.

There's no excuse or reason good enough to stay there. A hostel would be safer than living with that guy.

I totally agree, if it were me I'd be out of there. But I think it stems from her job/personality where she thinks he's a drunk but harmless (she's had stuff like that happen her at work and they were just crazed drunks in her mind so this is no different) but I completely agree, this is different. It's her home. We aren't badly paid people it's just the move has been STRESSFUL and expensive and we can't afford much this side of the year. She is perpetually stressed and I think turning a blind eye is easier for her personally. I obviously completely disagree but as a person, she's quite jaded when it comes to abuse and serious things like this. I have examples, but it don't really think they should be scrutinised as private matters, you understand.

Penny Tration

Genegirl83 wrote: »

I totally agree, if it were me I'd be out of there. But I think it stems from her job/personality where she thinks he's a drunk but harmless (she's had stuff like that happen her at work and they were just crazed drunks in her mind so this is no different) but I completely agree, this is different. It's her home. We aren't badly paid people it's just the move has been STRESSFUL and expensive and we can't afford much this side of the year. She is perpetually stressed and I think turning a blind eye is easier for her personally. I obviously completely disagree but as a person, she's quite jaded when it comes to abuse and serious things like this. I have examples, but it don't really think they should be scrutinised as private matters, you understand.

Absolutely, no need to go into her personal matters, and I'm glad you understand why I said what i did.

Have you discussed with her, just how angry you are about the situation?

I can understand her burying her head in the sand because it's easier that way, but she's knowingly staying in a really dodgy situation without a second thought for how it affects you. Why don't your feelings matter here?

Genegirl83

seventeen sheep wrote: »

I do have to wonder what benefit there would be in reporting the incident to the Gardai or to anyone else.
I'm curious about one thing though. I don't think you mentioned anything about him actually opening the door, or entering the room. Had you left the door open going to bed? In any houseshare I've ever lived in, it would be SUCH a no-no to leave the door open while having sex. Not only that, but you were making enough noise to wake the guy up.

Ignoring the fact that he seems to be a lecherous creep anyways ... Isn't it possible that he was woken up by ye, was pissed off, and came out to bang on the door and tell ye to keep it down ... And that he didn't expect the door to be wide open. So he froze in hesitation, unsure how to deal with the situation, and that's when you saw him? (As for the hand down his pants - from living with three brothers, multiple male housemates, and a couple of boyfriends over the years, this seems to be a natural thing for many men, to wander around with their hand down their boxers when sleepy, without even realising it, I don't understand it but there you go, it's not necessarily a sexual thing.)

If he actually opened the door, he was completely in the wrong. But if you'd left the door open yourselves, it could have actually been quite innocent on his part ...

Hi thanks for the post. It's really terrifying to think these things might be necessary. You've given some good advice.

OK so, yes we were having sex but we were very careful to be incredibly quiet. I'm 100% sure that could not have been what woke him up. My partner and I make sure to be very quiet when he's next door.

About the door, no. It was completely shut. He then walked up to it, as if to listen perhaps, then slowly opened it before entering slowly. I didn't even exclaim until he was fully in, I felt completely frozen and shocked.

Genegirl83

Jingle_Balls wrote: »

Absolutely, no need to go into her personal matters, and I'm glad you understand why I said what i did.

Have you discussed with her, just how angry you are about the situation?

I can understand her burying her head in the sand because it's easier that way, but she's knowingly staying in a really dodgy situation without a second thought for how it affects you. Why don't your feelings matter here?

I totally hear what you're saying but I guess it's just that my "feelings" leave my life relatively untouched (I'll still have a home and bed to go to) whereas for her, she has to come home at night to someone else's house when she herself isn't particularly scared of him. She also thinks that if it got physical she could handle it (he's a far cry from a physical specimen) but obviously, she affirms her naivety about this again as she assumes he wouldn't use a weapon.

seventeen sheep

Ok well if he actually opened the closed door and entered the room, there is no excuse for that, no matter how loud or quiet you were being! (There is still the tiny chance he was sleep-walking, but in the context of his usual behaviour, probably not.)

So if I were you, I'd probably go with what I said above. Inform the Gardai, but for the sake of your girlfriend's safety in the near future, ask them not to take any action just yet. By all means she could push for a prosecution in a few months when she's no longer living there, but I don't think she'd be doing herself any favours by pissing him off right now. And get her to take every practical precaution when it comes to her own safety for as long as she's there.

I get that it must be very frustrating for you that she seems to be so nonchalant about the whole thing. Have you tried asking her exactly what she'd advise if roles were reversed? Ask her would she be happy to go away to another country knowing that you were alone asleep in the house with him, and with no locked doors? Because I doubt she'd be at all happy to do that!

Penny Tration

Genegirl83 wrote: »

I totally hear what you're saying but I guess it's just that my "feelings" leave my life relatively untouched (I'll still have a home and bed to go to) whereas for her, she has to come home at night to someone else's house when she herself isn't particularly scared of him. She also thinks that if it got physical she could handle it (he's a far cry from a physical specimen) but obviously, she affirms her naivety about this again as she assumes he wouldn't use a weapon.

She thinks she could handle it if he physically assaulted her? Wow.

At the very least, she should be dead-bolting her door.

I don't know what else to suggest because she seems unwilling to leave just yet.

Genegirl83

seventeen sheep wrote: »

Ok well if he actually opened the closed door and entered the room, there is no excuse for that, no matter how loud or quiet you were being! (There is still the tiny chance he was sleep-walking, but in the context of his usual behaviour, probably not.)

So if I were you, I'd probably go with what I said above. Inform the Gardai, but for the sake of your girlfriend's safety in the near future, ask them not to take any action just yet. By all means she could push for a prosecution in a few months when she's no longer living there, but I don't think she'd be doing herself any favours by pissing him off right now. And get her to take every practical precaution when it comes to her own safety for as long as she's there.

I get that it must be very frustrating for you that she seems to be so nonchalant about the whole thing. Have you tried asking her exactly what she'd advise if roles were reversed? Ask her would she be happy to go away to another country knowing that you were alone asleep in the house with him, and with no locked doors? Because I doubt she'd be at all happy to do that!

Yes, absolutely! See he's right about one thing - her self esteem can be funny. If it were me in this situation she probably would have rang the gardai when it happened and she wouldn't let me back in the apartment without her. She just never takes her own well being as seriously as mine or others. She just seems not to value herself the same way. This obviously drives me crazy because she's everything to me. I think maybe you're right about telling the gards something. Even just in a heads up way. How would I go about that?

Genegirl83

Jingle_Balls wrote: »

She thinks she could handle it if he physically assaulted her? Wow.

At the very least, she should be dead-bolting her door.

I don't know what else to suggest because she seems unwilling to leave just yet.

Yeah don't get me wrong, she's incredibly intelligent but can just be silly like this. I too think that's a ridiculous assertion. And you see, it's not a matter of cheating... She's just being ridiculous. She honestly acts like this in a variety of scenarios. It's her worst quality, yes.

seventeen sheep

Genegirl83 wrote: »

Yes, absolutely! See he's right about one thing - her self esteem can be funny. If it were me in this situation she probably would have rang the gardai when it happened and she wouldn't let me back in the apartment without her. She just never takes her own well being as seriously as mine or others. She just seems not to value herself the same way. This obviously drives me crazy because she's everything to me. I think maybe you're right about telling the gards something. Even just in a heads up way. How would I go about that?

I really don't know - and, I think it's worth mentioning, as far as I know you can't actually stop them pushing for a case if they chose to do so. They would be prosecuting him on behalf of the state, not on behalf of your girlfriend. (If they chose to do so.)

So you/your girlfriend would, in real terms, have little control over what they choose to do with the information. As I mentioned, you should ask them not to do anything while she's still living there - but for all you know, he may have a history, they may just be waiting for something to get him with.

I know it's not the same thing, but if you get in touch with one of the Irish domestic violence foundations, e.g. DVAS, they might be able to advise you on the legalities? Obviously this isn't a case of domestic violence - but they might be able to point you in the right direction regarding who to inform, and what the Gardai will/will not do in cases where the victim is still living with the accused.

ahnow

Jesus OP, that is absolutely terrifying. Absolutely terrifying.
I would definately have a chat with the guards about it, find a way for both of ye to be away from him, you will have to convince her, sneaking into her room while masturbating-if he thinks he has a right to do that, he thinks he has a right to do much worse.
I'd tell the landlord as well.
Best of luck to you both

gozunda

OP - if you and your girlfriend have serious concerns over the incident then report it to the Gardai

They may not be able to do anything at this juncture especially if he denies it or pretends he was sleepwalking. It is usually up to the victim to decide to proceed with prosecution. You can clearly state to the Gardai that you wish to report the incident in the event of this type of thing happening again.

This is very important as it is a report of prior behaviour and were anything to happen in the future would be important in establishing a case.

I don't know if you have confronted the guy about this since it happened or if he has mentioned it to you or your partner. What has his behaviour been like since this incident? Does it give you both any additional concerns? - this is important as it should help frame your next actions.

Definily get a lock or if you don't wish to cause any damage to the doorframe etc - get one of type of things.

http://safetychick.com/door-wedge-alarm/

They do make opening a door difficult and if forced sound an alarm - especially useful if someone is asleep.

I know you mention you and your partner were exceptionally quite - but it is also true that thin partition walls carry every tiny sound. I believe he may well have heard you / your partner there that night. Of interest is there anyone else in the apartment? The reason I ask is that your partner could ask to swap rooms with them to prevent further nighttime issues where he is listening through the wall. It may make your partner feel safer as well.

Genegirl83

gozunda wrote: »

OP - if you and your girlfriend have serious concerns over the incident then report it to the Gardai

They may not be able to do anything at this juncture especially if he denies it or pretends he was sleepwalking. It is usually up to the victim to decide to proceed with prosecution. You can clearly state to the Gardai that you wish to report the incident in the event of this type of thing happening again.

This is very important as it is a report of prior behaviour and were anything to happen in the future would be important in establishing a case.

I don't know if you have confronted the guy about this since it happened or if he has mentioned it to you or your partner. What has his behaviour been like since this incident? Does it give you both any additional concerns? - this is important as it should help frame your next actions.

Definily get a lock or if you don't wish to cause any damage to the doorframe etc - get one of type of things.

http://safetychick.com/door-wedge-alarm/

They do make opening a door difficult and if forced sound an alarm - especially useful if someone is asleep.

I know you mention you and your partner were exceptionally quite - but it is also true that thin partition walls carry every tiny sound. I believe he may well have heard you / your partner there that night. Of interest is there anyone else in the apartment? The reason I ask is that your partner could ask to swap rooms with them to prevent further nighttime issues where he is listening through the wall. It may make your partner feel safer as well.

Hi. Thanks for your post, I appreciate it.

It's just the two of them in the apartment.

Basically we've only seen him once since (we've both been away). The next morning we built up a bit of courage to go up to the kitchen to cook some breakfast, he usually goes out a great length during the day.
He didn't even reference the night before. He basically ignored my and said "morning" to my partner. Neither of acknowledged him. At the very least he had to have known it happened. He spoke when he left and was awake for hours afterwards.

I believe we were as quiet as possible but I too think he might have heard my partner. While we genuinely were incredibly quiet, I think he may have thought she was alone. He couldn't have known I was there.

Rubberchikken

speaking personally if i was in a place where someone made me feel uncomfortable and unsafe, i would not stay.

nothing you say about this man in your first post leads me to think he's anything other than a risk to either your partners or your safety if things are left to continue.

i realise it's not easy for her to leave but there comes a time you have to put your safety at the top of the list no matter what.

i hope you find some solution, no one should have to share with a person like this and in an environment like you describe.

DoctorBoo

Firstly OP, never mind the naysayers - this is a serious and unprovoked incident.

I think you're getting yourself caught up with terminology. As others have pointed out, sexual assault is a legal term and whether or not the guards could apply it to this situation would depend on a variety of factors. It doesn't matter. What matters is that this man is showing an unusual interest in your girlfriend and is showing her unwanted attention. The fact he entered her room shows that this inappropriate behaviour is escalating. You need to put a line in the sand now. He needs to understand that his behaviour will not be tolerated. You need to draw attention to his behaviour. At the moment, his behaviour is private, it needs to become public.
I would go to the guards first, as others have recommended, in an advisory capacity. See what they say about how (or whether) to proceed. Make sure some record is kept of the event. As another poster said, for all you know, this man may have come to the guards' attention before for similar matters.
Then I would contact the landlord. I know he's friends with the guy, but nobody wants to be associated with that kind of behaviour. I would write to the landlord formally outlining all events clearly, and stating that you are in contact with the guards about the matter. Once he's got the letter (or email), follow up with a phone call. When all of that is done, speak to the man himself. At this point, you will be in a stronger position. In my experience, these creeps are actually quite cowardly and gain confidence from their behaviour going unremarked and unchecked. I think if you confront his behaviour, after having made it public through your contact with the guards and the landlord, he will be a lot less bullish.
Best of luck.

Stench Blossoms

I think the guards would say the same thing as other posters have said - why hasn't she moved out?

And you can say 'she's moving out bla bla bla' as many times as you want but she hasn't moved out and if something like that happened to me or anyone I cared about I'd be sure the first thing that was done was to move out.

I think the fact that she hasn't moved out and the way she's making light of the situation means that we haven't got the full story.

kylith

1) Complain to the landlord. Even if they are mates he probably won't be chuffed to hear that one tenant has walked into another's room at 4am while fondling himself. What would worry me is that if he did it this time has he done it before?
2) GET A LOCK ON THAT DOOR. Wedge a chair under it, hook the handle up to the mains, anything to stop him walking in.
3) Get her out of there! Can she move in with you or with other friends until your scheduled time to move in together? And tell the landlord that she is moving out because the other tenant walked into her room with his hand on his cock at 4am and she can't stay there another night wondering what he has done on other nights when you weren't there and she didn't wake up.

dafunk

OP, I mean absolutely no disrespect because obviously you're concerned for your girlfriends safety. From what you've said this guy appears to be threatening but it's up to your girlfriend to fight this battle. It should be her decision whether or not to go to the guards. For what its worth I think she should.

Neyite

Some years ago OP, my lovely male flatmate wandered into my room, and tried to climb into bed with me wearing just his underwear. He'd been out and was quite drunk. The difference was that he had never hinted at any attraction prior to it, and the following morning was absolutely mortified at his behaviour, apologising profusely. I think he genuinely got our rooms mixed up as they were right beside each other.

Honestly, it sounds creepy. I don't blame you for feeling wary now especially if your girlfriend is the type to minimise and see the best in people. While he may never be the type to actually harm your partner, why risk it if there are a few simple safety measures you can take.

I would tend to go towards personal security - change the lock on the bedroom door or put a sliding bolt on it, maybe a personal alarm that can text someone - either an easy to use app on her phone or a separate unit - maybe research it and buy one. If when she moves, you don't need it any more, I'm sure Age Aware would be grateful for it.

Threshold and a non-emergency number for Gardai might give you more information on what can and cannot be done until she leaves safely.

trixychic

I am not sure if i can add anything to be helpful here but i definitely would not be so trusting of him. Bein a victim of sexual assault in the past i can easily see that escalating and can understand your reasons for bein weary.

But one thing i just had to say is i am shocked at the amount of ppl who assume that somethin could be going on between your gf and this creep. Just because she is lesbian. I mean if it were 2 guys in the place and one of them walked in on the other while he was with his gf (same situation but different preferences) i wonder would ppl be suggesting that maybe they are gay together? I highly doubt it.

Its awful to think that the LBGT community are still seen by some as maybe pretenders or confused. But a straight person is straight. No questions asked.

Op i would definitely be going to the gardai about it. You want to protect her but can't cause your not always there and she seems unwilling to protect herself (which i think is an Irish trait unfortunately). I think its down to you. Even just ask to see someone and talk to them about whether you have a leg to stand on. Hope everything works out!

Stench Blossoms

trixychic wrote: »

But one thing i just had to say is i am shocked at the amount of ppl who assume that somethin could be going on between your gf and this creep. Just because she is lesbian. I mean if it were 2 guys in the place and one of them walked in on the other while he was with his gf (same situation but different preferences) i wonder would ppl be suggesting that maybe they are gay together? I highly doubt it.

I don't think that her being a lesbian has anything to do with it. It's her not doing anything about it that is making people curious.

trixychic

But if she says she is lesbian then why would ppl assume she's going with a guy? If she said she was bi fine but she isn't.

Genegirl83

Stench Blossoms wrote: »

I think the guards would say the same thing as other posters have said - why hasn't she moved out?

And you can say 'she's moving out bla bla bla' as many times as you want but she hasn't moved out and if something like that happened to me or anyone I cared about I'd be sure the first thing that was done was to move out.

I think the fact that she hasn't moved out and the way she's making light of the situation means that we haven't got the full story.

You've got the full story - you just wish it was more complex than that. Why on Earth would I tell you a version of the story and not what actually happened if I want to know what action, if any, to take? Defies logic.

Genegirl83

trixychic wrote: »

I am not sure if i can add anything to be helpful here but i definitely would not be so trusting of him. Bein a victim of sexual assault in the past i can easily see that escalating and can understand your reasons for bein weary.

But one thing i just had to say is i am shocked at the amount of ppl who assume that somethin could be going on between your gf and this creep. Just because she is lesbian. I mean if it were 2 guys in the place and one of them walked in on the other while he was with his gf (same situation but different preferences) i wonder would ppl be suggesting that maybe they are gay together? I highly doubt it.

Its awful to think that the LBGT community are still seen by some as maybe pretenders or confused. But a straight person is straight. No questions asked.

Op i would definitely be going to the gardai about it. You want to protect her but can't cause your not always there and she seems unwilling to protect herself (which i think is an Irish trait unfortunately). I think its down to you. Even just ask to see someone and talk to them about whether you have a leg to stand on. Hope everything works out!

Yeah, I've seen this repeatedly. If I had said "she's size 20, crew cut, you'd know she was a lezzer a mile off" would ye still think there was something going on? It's total victim blaming with undertones of misogyny and homophobia. To those people, frankly, you are unhelpful, categorically wrong and lack insight. Not to mention I'd assume you'd have a hard time gauging a woman's interest in real life. How are you any better than him, assuming really she just wants a bitta peen! deep down? Listen to yourselves.

Ps. Thank you for your intelligent, relevant input and I'm very sorry you were assaulted. I hope you're doing OK.

cyning

Op when I was in my final year in college my house mate came into my room after a night out climbed into my bed and started masturbating: kicked him out thought it was a drunken mistake despite being very uncomfortable about it. He had a girlfriend who lived right next door he knew I had a bf etc.

Then I started feeling that he was standing outside my bedroom door at night: so I started locking my bedroom door. He made an attempt to come into my bedroom one night again after drink and I still laughed it off: but it happened again and again. Started sending me naked pics of himself.

Finally I realised it was so beyond inappropriate it wasn't even funny. He tried to break down my bedroom door (after drink): I got our other flat mate involved. This had gone on all year and at this point I was doing my final exams. The point I want to make is when your the victim of unwanted attention sometimes you don't realise how serious it is until it goes too far. I just kept saying sure he was drunk etc. I wouldn't listen to anyone who said it was more serious. I couldn't afford to move out it only happened when he was out, it wasn't all the time... Excuses to myself really. I really think she needs to move out: you won't regret her moving, you might regret her staying. This sort of behaviour tends to escalate and I really, really think she needs to go.

Genegirl83

Stench Blossoms wrote: »

I don't think that her being a lesbian has anything to do with it. It's her not doing anything about it that is making people curious.

What is the alternative, pray tell? If you want to hear she's clearly an odd person, evidently that seems to be the case.

seventeen sheep

Stench Blossoms wrote: »

I think the guards would say the same thing as other posters have said - why hasn't she moved out?

And you can say 'she's moving out bla bla bla' as many times as you want but she hasn't moved out and if something like that happened to me or anyone I cared about I'd be sure the first thing that was done was to move out.

I think the fact that she hasn't moved out and the way she's making light of the situation means that we haven't got the full story.

In fairness the OP has already stated how much rent her girlfriend is paying - I think it was €600 in one place in addition to €800 in the new place. So, what, she's going to pay (assuming she's living in Dublin) another €500 at the very least on top of it, to rent a third place, until she can move in a couple of months? And all the hassle and expense of moving, only to move again shortly?

I get where the girlfriend is coming from. Unless she genuinely believes her personal safety is at risk - which she doesn't - moving right now would be a ridiculous decision.

I think the OPs main problem right now is getting her girlfriend to understand the fact that she might be in very real danger, and to get her to take the appropriate precautions for her personal safety.

Personally I agree that moving out is probably unnecessary. And it seems the OP's girlfriend isn't considering it anyways. So, taking that out of the equation, the most helpful advice would probably be helpful practical tips that might help keep her girlfriend safe on a daily basis until she can move out.

Genegirl83

cyning wrote: »

Op when I was in my final year in college my house mate came into my room after a night out climbed into my bed and started masturbating: kicked him out thought it was a drunken mistake despite being very uncomfortable about it. He had a girlfriend who lived right next door he knew I had a bf etc.

Then I started feeling that he was standing outside my bedroom door at night: so I started locking my bedroom door. He made an attempt to come into my bedroom one night again after drink and I still laughed it off: but it happened again and again. Started sending me naked pics of himself.

Finally I realised it was so beyond inappropriate it wasn't even funny. He tried to break down my bedroom door (after drink): I got our other flat mate involved. This had gone on all year and at this point I was doing my final exams. The point I want to make is when your the victim of unwanted attention sometimes you don't realise how serious it is until it goes too far. I just kept saying sure he was drunk etc. I wouldn't listen to anyone who said it was more serious. I couldn't afford to move out it only happened when he was out, it wasn't all the time... Excuses to myself really. I really think she needs to move out: you won't regret her moving, you might regret her staying. This sort of behaviour tends to escalate and I really, really think she needs to go.

Wow, this is really startling. That must have been horrifying. I think my GF is the same, she inserts excuses for why it's not a big deal, because sexual harassment doesn't happen to strong women, like her or something, you know?

And I'm sure the fact you didn't immediately tell the gards and had circumstances that somewhat prevented you from leaving didn't mean you were sleeping with that creep... Did it? No, of course not. Because assuming so, that's victim blaming.

Genegirl83

seventeen sheep wrote: »

In fairness the OP has already stated how much rent her girlfriend is paying - I think it was €600 in one place in addition to €800 in the new place. So, what, she's going to pay (assuming she's living in Dublin) another €500 at the very least on top of it, to rent a third place, until she can move in a couple of months? And all the hassle and expense of moving, only to move again shortly?

I get where the girlfriend is coming from. Unless she genuinely believes her personal safety is at risk - which she doesn't - moving right now would be a ridiculous decision.

I think the OPs main problem right now is getting her girlfriend to understand the fact that she might be in very real danger, and to get her to take the appropriate precautions for her personal safety.

Personally I agree that moving out is probably unnecessary. And it seems the OP's girlfriend isn't considering it anyways. So, taking that out of the equation, the most helpful advice would probably be helpful practical tips that might help keep her girlfriend safe on a daily basis until she can move out.

Thank you so much!! This is EXACTLY what I'm trying to say. Neither of us have the money for this at the minute and she doesn't see the real danger and clearly this is somewhat normal as a few victims of this kind of thing have graciously shared their experiences.

The full story has been given. If it's not exciting enough for you, I'm sorry. I certainly don't need a sleuth let alone misguided ones.

Stench Blossoms

Genegirl83 wrote: »

You've got the full story - you just wish it was more complex than that. Why on Earth would I tell you a version of the story and not what actually happened if I want to know what action, if any, to take? Defies logic.

Mate I don't think YOU'VE got the full story. I find it bizarre that she is still living there after this happened unless she is used to this kinda behaviour from him.

I'm sorry but money would be NO object if my safety or the safety of a friend/partner was a concern.

I would be straight onto the landlord. Not paying my next months rent and using it for temporary accommodation.

Where are her family?

Genegirl83

Stench Blossoms wrote: »

Mate I don't think YOU'VE got the full story. I find it bizarre that she is still living there after this happened unless she is used to this kinda behaviour from him.

I'm sorry but money would be NO object if my safety or the safety of a friend/partner was a concern.

I would be straight onto the landlord. Not paying my next months rent and using it for temporary accommodation.

Where are her family?

Of course I have, don't be so ridiculous. Accusing her of something would be the most bizarre, relationship-destroying move. I am 100% confident she is always honest with me in every situation. I trust her with my life and she has never given me reason not to.

The problem is SHE doesn't see how serious this is. That is the problem in one. And clearly by the testaments made by others who were involved in these kinds of situations, they didn't initially see how serious it was either.

Her family are nowhere near us, here.

Stench Blossoms

Hang on, who said anything about accusing her of anything? I never said that.

Insist she moves out then. Don't take no for an answer because if you go to the Gardai about this they are going to ask why he hasn't been asked to leave or why she's still there.

And don't go on about money again, if you really cared for her you'd max out a credit card to ensure she was safe. You can get a long term room in a travel lodge or hostel until she can move to the new place.

Genegirl83

Stench Blossoms wrote: »

Hang on, who said anything about accusing her of anything? I never said that.

Insist she moves out then. Don't take no for an answer because if you go to the Gardai about this they are going to ask why he hasn't been asked to leave or why she's still there.

And don't go on about money again, if you really cared for her you'd max out a credit card to ensure she was safe. You can get a long term room in a travel lodge or hostel until she can move to the new place.

This is complete bull$it. If I "really cared about her". Nonsense. We can barely make ends meet as is with this double renting situation. I'm 23... I don't eve know if I qualify for a credit card.

Bull$hit.

GalwayGuitar

Genegirl83 wrote: »

This is complete bull$it. If I "really cared about her". Nonsense. We can barely make ends meet as is with this double renting situation. I'm 23... I don't eve know if I qualify for a credit card.

Bull$hit.

Your combative attitude is doing you no favours.

Genegirl83

GalwayGuitar wrote: »

Your combative attitude is doing you no favours.

Your constant insinuation my girlfriend is having it off with this creep is doing me no favours either. Why wouldn't someone be "combative" with such an insulting instigation. It IS bull and 80% of the responders here haven't felt the need to play amateur sleuth.

seventeen sheep

Stench Blossoms wrote: »

Hang on, who said anything about accusing her of anything? I never said that.

Insist she moves out then. Don't take no for an answer because if you go to the Gardai about this they are going to ask why he hasn't been asked to leave or why she's still there.

And don't go on about money again, if you really cared for her you'd max out a credit card to ensure she was safe. You can get a long term room in a travel lodge or hostel until she can move to the new place.

What the actual f*ck.

More money doesn't appear from trees the more you care about someone.

GalwayGuitar

Genegirl83 wrote: »

Your constant insinuation my girlfriend is having it off with this creep is doing me no favours either. Why wouldn't someone be "combative" with such an insulting instigation. It IS bull and 80% of the responders here haven't felt the need to play amateur sleuth.

You asked the question was it sexual assault and the answer is no. Many of us find it very strange that your girlfriend won't move out.

If it's really as bad as you say then going to the Guards might be your best option.

Genegirl83

seventeen sheep wrote: »

What the actual f*ck.

More money doesn't appear from trees the more you care about someone.

Thank you. Sounds like total bravado.

Genegirl83

GalwayGuitar wrote: »

You asked the question was it sexual assault and the answer is no. Many of us find it very strange that your girlfriend won't move out.

If it's really as bad as you say then going to the Guards might be your best option.

I am in no way legally trained or knowledgable, I had no idea what constituted assault or harassment. That's why I asked. I wanted people's opinions/anecdotes, many of which have been excellent and helpful. Many others however have been highly inflammatory and irrelevant not to mention with elements of subtle homophobia and victim shaming. To those opinions (which have only been a burden) I refuse to extend gratitude.

Gyalist

Genegirl83 wrote: »

Of course I have, don't be so ridiculous. Accusing her of something would be the most bizarre, relationship-destroying move. I am 100% confident she is always honest with me in every situation. I trust her with my life and she has never given me reason not to.

The problem is SHE doesn't see how serious this is. That is the problem in one. And clearly by the testaments made by others who were involved in these kinds of situations, they didn't initially see how serious it was either.

Her family are nowhere near us, here.

OP, here is the contact information for Garda LGBT Liaison Officers (South Dublin is on page 2).

Both you and your partner should arrange to meet the liaison officer in your area as a matter of urgency as they would be best placed to advise you.

Genegirl83

Gyalist wrote: »

OP, here is the contact information for Garda LGBT Liaison Officers (South Dublin is on page 2).

Both you and your partner should arrange to meet the liaison officer in your area as a matter of urgency as they would be best placed to advise you.

Would I have to meet in person, do you know?

GalwayGuitar

Genegirl83 wrote: »

I am in no way legally trained or knowledgable, I had no idea what constituted assault or harassment. That's why I asked. I wanted people's opinions/anecdotes, many of which have been excellent and helpful. Many others however have been highly inflammatory and irrelevant not to mention with elements of subtle homophobia and victim shaming. To those opinions (which have only been a burden) I refuse to extend gratitude.

Where has been the 'homophobia and victim shaming?'

Genegirl83

GalwayGuitar wrote: »

Where has been the 'homophobia and victim shaming?'

The posts that essentially claim that a lesbian is having it off with a man because nobody could POSSIBLY have the personal clarity to know their own sexuality. Those lesbians... It's always men they end up with, amirite?

And victim blaming, as if she somehow deserves this behaviour because she hasn't moved out. I wish she had moved out before it got to this but the fact she hasn't does NOT mean she deserves a masterbating lech who can't get the hint in her bedroom at 4am

GalwayGuitar

Genegirl83 wrote: »

The posts that essentially claim that a lesbian is having it off with a man because nobody could POSSIBLY have the personal clarity to know their own sexuality. Those lesbians... It's always men they end up with, amirite?

And victim blaming, as if she somehow deserves this behaviour because she hasn't moved out. I wish she had moved out before it got to this but the fact she hasn't does NOT mean she deserves a masterbating lech who can't get the hint in her bedroom at 4am

Maybe she's bi?

And no one is saying she deserves it, simply its odd she hasn't moved out.