secret wedding/marriage

Suucee

Myself and my partner are together 11 yrs . Living together 8 yrs and have 2 kids.
basically we do not like the attention organisation or anything really to do with a wedding but on the other hand we want our relationship legalised.
He is not a legal gaurdian to our kids. We are not each others next of kin .
So we have decided to get married in a registry office and tell no one. Our parents are constanlty annoying us about it too.
we have told my sister and niece and they are going to be our witnesses .
has anyone done this before.
also what do we wear. Might sound like a stupid question but it hadnt really crossed my mind yet.

amdublin

You wear what you like.

Full wedding garb (wedding dress, wedding suit) if you wish.
Smart suit and dress if you prefer.
Jeans and tshirt.

Whatever you want! Enjoy the day.

braddun

a suit and formal dress,its over in about 10 minutes,then go to some hotel for a meal

bring cameras to take photos,or you will regret it for years to come


bring immediate family

amdublin

If you want to go for a meal afterwards then go for meal. If you want to go straight home go straight home.

Or a drink might be nice.

But do get some photos

Suucee

braddun wrote: »

a suit and formal dress,its over in about 10 minutes,then go to some hotel for a meal

bring cameras to take photos,or you will regret it for years to come


bring immediate family

See we dont want to bring family. Both sets of parents will try organise everything a meal/party and a major fuss.
we dont want that nor can we afford it.
We just want to be married but not have a wedding if that makes sense. We really dont like the fuss or attention. We plan on bringing both sets of parents out for a meal a few weeks after and telling them then .

Suucee

We were kind of thinking suit and an evening dress.
Hadnt really decided on a meal but we were kind of thinking of organising a lil family photoshoot on the day. So just us and our kids.

Then a few weeks later ask both sets of parents for dinner and tell them all together.

amdublin

Suucee wrote: »

we dont want that nor can we afford it.
We just want to be married but not have a wedding if that makes sense. We really dont like the fuss or attention. We plan on bringing both sets of parents out for a meal a few weeks after and telling them then .

Sounds great!

Millem

Suucee wrote: »

Myself and my partner are together 11 yrs . Living together 8 yrs and have 2 kids.
basically we do not like the attention organisation or anything really to do with a wedding but on the other hand we want our relationship legalised.
He is not a legal gaurdian to our kids. We are not each others next of kin .
So we have decided to get married in a registry office and tell no one. Our parents are constanlty annoying us about it too.
we have told my sister and niece and they are going to be our witnesses .
has anyone done this before.
also what do we wear. Might sound like a stupid question but it hadnt really crossed my mind yet.

Suucee this sounds like my dream wedding best of luck. If I was doing it I would wear something like the Reiss dress kate Middleton wore for engagement pics

lovelystuff

I think this sounds lovely, I'd say buy a beautiful dress, and get makeup done at one of the counters in boots or somewhere,and go for a meal somewhere special to you as a couple. Have a brilliant day!

January

I love a good secret wedding! Is your niece over 18? She needs to be 18 to be your witness.

Wishing you all the best of luck x

braddun

both parents will be disappointed ,if you cant afford to go out

get friends to cook at home,

Gatica

You don't need parents there if you don't want them there. It's a celebration and cementing of your relationship, not theirs. It's nice to involve parents if you can or want, but certainly not necessary. Some parents may get very offended, so it's up to you and only you know your exact situation. If you just want to be married, then do that and whatever makes it special to your and your OH, whether weekend away, dinner out or just a drink out right after.

seventeen sheep

This is exactly what I'd want to do if we got married!

For the ceremony itself, we'd probably wear jeans. No photos. Sign the legal stuff.

Bit of a party few weeks later with close family and friends. Maybe a bbq. Tell them we're married now. No fuss, no presents, no stress.

Suucee

January wrote: »

I love a good secret wedding! Is your niece over 18? She needs to be 18 to be your witness.

Wishing you all the best of luck x

Yep she is.

Suucee

We dont want to tell the parents as they would make a huge fuss .
we dont want that at all .
We just want our relationship legalised. To be each others next of kin, for him to have proper gaurdianship over our kids

A few weeks after we will tell the parents . Maybe have some sort of party with a few friends and family but thats a big maybe.

I have a nice long dress i wore to a wedding recently i might wear that. I do love it and know ill never get to wear it again.

January

Make sure you get the forms for reregistering the births on the day you give your notice.

We didn't have a secret wedding, but there were only 4 of us plus priest! We had a get together in a pub a week beforehand for my family and another the week after for his family in his hometown, as he's not Irish. He and best man wore their best suits and myself and bridesmaid wore plain dresses with flowers in our hair. We had a meal in a hotel after and are still happily married 28 years later.

Toto Wolfcastle

I know that you don't want the parents there, but if they are likely to be upset that they weren't there and the only reason is that you don't want them to make a fuss then maybe consider telling them the night before so that they can come and don't have time to make a fuss. Just an option to consider, but obviously you should do what's right for you and your partner. Best of luck with it and enjoy it!

tayto lover

My son had a wedding like that and it was great.
Just the two families, about 30 people and a lovely quiet meal afterwards.
Not an expensive day but a very enjoyable one for all concerned.

Make sure you involve your parents though, it's only fair.

unclebill98

I had a secret wedding.

Invited 24 close family members to a engagement party. When our parents arrived we brought them up to the hotel room and told them with the photographer there for pics/reaction. When the rest arrived I handed them the mass booklet. No suits, no hassle etc etc. Went back for a meal, then the bar and had a few drinks and then bed and the honeymoon the next day. Not that our parents would meddle in anything but just did not want the usual wedding as I work in the industry etc.

Only the priest and our best man/bridesmaid knew and of course the hotel.

Its a great alternative if you aint into it and for sure get photos taken and enjoy the day.

Suucee

January wrote: »

Make sure you get the forms for reregistering the births on the day you give your notice.

Whats this now. He is on their birth cert as their father. They are not double barrell surname. They just have his.

January

Suucee wrote: »

Whats this now. He is on their birth cert as their father. They are not double barrell surname. They just have his.

Doesn't matter the births still need to be reregistered to reflect that you are married and he now has rights over the kids. My kids are the same, all have his surnane and he is on all the Certs but we still need to sign forms after we marry so he can gain his legal rights as a father.

eviltwin

January wrote: »

Doesn't matter the births still need to be reregistered to reflect that you are married and he now has rights over the kids. My kids are the same, all have his surnane and he is on all the Certs but we still need to sign forms after we marry so he can gain his legal rights as a father.

Eh what is this now? You've just given me a fright :eek:

I got married to my children's father but we never did anything like this? I always was led to believe a father who married the mother of his children became guardian automatically. It doesn't really matter now because mine is almost 18 and the other was born after we married but do you mean to say all this time he wasn't legally her guardian? :eek:

January

eviltwin wrote: »

Eh what is this now? You've just given me a fright :eek:

I got married to my children's father but we never did anything like this? I always was led to believe a father who married the mother of his children became guardian automatically. It doesn't really matter now because mine is almost 18 and the other was born after we married but do you mean to say all this time he wasn't legally her guardian? :eek:

All I know is that when we went to register our intent to marry the girl asked us if we had any children and when I said 'yes it doesn't matter though because they already have his name and he is on their birth Certs' she handed me 4 forms and said that their births would need to be re registered once we were married.

lazygal

January wrote: »

Doesn't matter the births still need to be reregistered to reflect that you are married and he now has rights over the kids. My kids are the same, all have his surnane and he is on all the Certs but we still need to sign forms after we marry so he can gain his legal rights as a father.

I would well believe some paperwork is necessary. Married couples cannot offer their children for adoption in Ireland so it stands to reason the changed legal status of the parents relationship which would affect the children would need some sort of record.

NamelessPhil

According to the birth registration page on the HSE website, if the father's name is already on the birth certificate there is no need to reregister.http://www.hse.ie/eng/services/list/1/bdm/registerabirth/

January

Hmm wonder why I was given different info... Will have to follow this up.

Suucee

i didnt read all that link but i found this

Marriage after the child is born
If the parents of a child marry each other after the birth, then the father automatically becomes a joint guardian of the child. There is therefore no need to apply for guardianship rights nor is there any need for the father to adopt the child.

Where the father is joint guardian and the mother subsequently marries another man or enters into a civil partnership, the father will remain the joint guardian of his child. If the mother and her husband wish to adopt the child, they must seek consent from the child's father. If the child's father consents to the adoption, then he gives up his right to guardianship of his child.

from here http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/cohabiting_couples/legal_guardianship_and_unmarried_couples.html

Suucee

tayto lover wrote: »

My son had a wedding like that and it was great.
Just the two families, about 30 people and a lovely quiet meal afterwards.
Not an expensive day but a very enjoyable one for all concerned.

Make sure you involve your parents though, it's only fair.

Why do you think its fair. Its not about them its about us.

After we are married we will tell them and maybe deicide to have some sort of party or something but that will be decided down the line.

Just to highlight we all get on very well. I have a very good relationship with all the in laws as does my OH with my family. Our families have met and birthdays, christenings etc and both our mothers get on great.
Not including them is purly because we dont want a fuss. we may decide to tell them a day or before but mmm maybe not.

Dubl07

Suucee wrote: »

Why do you think its fair. Its not about them its about us.

After we are married we will tell them and maybe deicide to have some sort of party or something but that will be decided down the line.

Just to highlight we all get on very well. I have a very good relationship with all the in laws as does my OH with my family. Our families have met and birthdays, christenings etc and both our mothers get on great.
Not including them is purly because we dont want a fuss. we may decide to tell them a day or before but mmm maybe not.

Your parents invested a lot of time, energy and love into rearing you. To exclude them from such a very special day might feel okay now but when your own children reach an age where they might do something similar, you'd have a different opinion. Be kind to your parents - they won't be around forever. Tell them the night before or tell them it's some other ceremony but have them present. Good luck in your marriage; hopefully it's a one-time thing and you'll have many anniversaries on which to think back together about a wonderful day.

Sofiztikated

If you want to get married quietly, do so. Basically all you need is the registry office, a couple of witnesses, and to meet the marriage criteria. Everything apart from that is just frippery and whistles.

I'd tell the parents, simply because it would be rude to spring it on them just before it, but state that this your thing, and you are going to do it your way. Then registry office, go for a wee drink, have lunch or something in a nice restaurant, and the day is done. The mess and fuss of a big session, inviting 100's of people you don't like, feeding them @ €40+ a head, dresses, makeup, wedding favours (completely unnecessary in ALL cases), bands, DJ's and the like really is a expensive business, and I work in the game.

Do it your way, lay down the law, but I wouldn't exclude them, unless they are toxic, and you don't want to have anything to do with them. Then **** em.

The Bishop Basher

I get where your going with the wedding. We were the same. Can't stand all the crap that goes on around formal weddings. But think long and hard before excluding your parents from something so important. Sometimes we have to be selfish to get what we want. Sometimes we need to concede to the wishes of others. Your folks raised you. They are the reason you are there at all. Show them
some respect and give them the option to be there.

Neyite

The problem is that even if you tell parents that you don't want a fuss and they try to respect that, they'll still unwittingly put pressure on you. It happened to me, they didnt understand that no fuss meant no cars, flowers, bridesmaids etc. They just couldn't help it. So I plan to have everything organised and paid for then announce it.

I like the idea of inviting family to a christening /naming ceremony for a baby then when they are all gathered, have a celebrant or registrar in place.

Do it your way, whatever way you like. Wear your beautiful dress. You are the bride and can wear whatever you like you can pacify them by saying you'll do a vow renewal down the line (and conveniently forget afterwards) like you, I see it mostly as something important for him and I, and what suits us is all that matters. And both of us are very close to our families.

But come back and tell us how your day went for you!

Frigga_92

OP, I had a secret wedding last year.
We had less than 20 guests, 19 of whom were friends, the only family there from either side was my sister. My parents weren't there, my brother and his wife and kids weren't there and my husband's brother and his wife and kids weren't there. They are the only immediate family, the rest are a granny and grandma (only on my side), aunts, uncles, cousins etc. My brother had a huge wedding, talking about 300 or 400 people. That is my idea of hell on earth.
My husband's parents are both no longer with us.

We got married in Waterford Castle, non-religious ceremony followed by a dinner for 13 people (the other few guests showed up later in the evening) and they gave us one of their rooms (can't remember the name of it) for the party part. We did our own music and pretty much that was it, it was very low key, no fluff. We only had a photographer because I didn't want one of the guests saddled with running around after everyone all day.

The day after the wedding I rang my parents to tell them and they passed on the news to everybody else.
Surprisingly, my brother's wife, who I do not get on with at all, had the biggest issue with the wedding. She told my mother that it was extremely selfish and she couldn't believe it yada yada. Funnily enough she didn't grow up with my parents.

Do not listen to anybody telling you what you should or shouldn't do, only do what makes you happy. If this is the scenario that you have envisioned for your wedding then do it. When it is all done with and you are married, people will either be just delighted for you that you are married or they will be assholes about it, and those people are probably assholes anyway.
I do not believe that anybody else should be involved in making decisions about a wedding only the couple getting married.

amdublin

If you want just yourselves and others just go ahead and so it. You know you and your parents best - personally my parents would be delighted they weren't involved in the big fuss.

A wedding is just one day, it's the marriage that is more important.

Rubberchikken

my brother and his, now wife, got married in las vegas. only his daughter present.
that's what they both wanted and people just accepted it. they had a party some months later, music food family and friends, and it was great.

whether you have a secret wedding, a small wedding or a monsterous day out someon will whinga and find fault and interfere.
so do what you and your husband to be want and are happiest with.
but do take photos. if only for your kids sake down the line. they'll love looking at them some day.

good luck

Suucee

Told my parents this morning. My mother nearly cried. Told them what we are doing and shes not at all bothered. Will be happy with just parents , witnesses and our kids.

Now the inlaws that will be harder.

amdublin

Very good! I assume by parents (at the wedding) you mean the inlaws and your parents. Hopefully the inlaws will be okay with that.

Suucee

amdublin wrote: »

Very good! I assume by parents (at the wedding) you mean the inlaws and your parents. Hopefully the inlaws will be okay with that.

Yes both sets of parents. Still cant get over my mothers reaction. was so funny. she was more excited than us. My dad wasnt bothered too busy playing with the kids.

Dubl07

Dubl07 wrote: »

Your parents invested a lot of time, energy and love into rearing you.

Sorry but I hate seeing things like this spouted out.

You have absolutely no idea what kind of parents the OP or their partner had, they could have been the worst parents in the world.

Glad your folks took it well Suucee.

I know two couples who had secret weddings where no one except their witnesses knew, one of them was spur of the moment on holidays (they had been engaged for a year but she kept putting it off because the thoughts of a big wedding made her sick) worked out perfectly for both of those couples! They just had parties afterward and no love lost anywhere

Dubl07

Suucee wrote: »

Why do you think its fair. Its not about them its about us.

After we are married we will tell them and maybe deicide to have some sort of party or something but that will be decided down the line.

Just to highlight we all get on very well. I have a very good relationship with all the in laws as does my OH with my family. Our families have met and birthdays, christenings etc and both our mothers get on great.
Not including them is purly because we dont want a fuss. we may decide to tell them a day or before but mmm maybe not.

Deleted User wrote: »

Sorry but I hate seeing things like this spouted out.

You have absolutely no idea what kind of parents the OP or their partner had, they could have been the worst parents in the world.

I was responding to the post directly above mine and quoted it. I didn't make up their relationship with the parents. :mad:

Dubl07

Dubl07 wrote: »

I was responding to the post directly above mine and quoted it. I didn't make up their relationship with the parents. :mad:

That's still doesn't mean they had a fantastic upbringing full of love, energy, and investment.

Anyway, apologies for dragging the thread off topic.

Suucee

So An update.

Told my parents new years day. They were happy with our decision. but wanted to go for a meal. my dad also wanted my brother there. mmmm
So the more we got talking we decided
going to reg office with parents and our siblings getting married,
going to a local GAA club house, getting photo's done
getting in hot buffet
getting in DJ

Done

Told OH's parents yesterday, didnt say alot but i dont think MIL is too happy. But hey cant please everyone. Every man we tell thinks is great, every woman thinks im mad.
Were happy. it will be stress free and not mad expensive. All booked before we told OH's family anyway so not much can be done.
Oh its next month. Gave our notice to reg office in November. Kind of left that out of OP.
Everyone is shocked. Less than 8 weeks away. :-)

Dubl07

Suucee wrote: »

So An update.

Were happy. it will be stress free and not mad expensive. All booked before we told OH's family anyway so not much can be done.
Oh its next month. Gave our notice to reg office in November. Kind of left that out of OP.
Everyone is shocked. Less than 8 weeks away. :-)

Your happiness is the most important aspect. Have a wonderful day and I wish you both a long and very content marriage.

stinkle

It sounds lovely!!!! You're not mad at all! Enjoy every minute of the prep and the day itself

Gatica

well done! good thing you have some support on it at least and at least they're still having a party with you to celebrate .... good luck!

pwurple

Ah that sounds lovely! Well done and enjoy!

ABajaninCork

YOUR day - YOUR way! Congrats and all the very best for a brilliant day and beyond!

Murray007

This is my suggestion, do whatever you want in terms of dress and afters on the day but do try to take a nice photo, maybe a professional photo as your big spend. Then send a nice photo of you both on the day to those you would have invited if you had have had a formal wedding and reception announcing your marriage and stating that you wanted it simple but we were thinking about you on the day.

Almost an after the event invite. I am convinced at least half of those invited to weddings would rather not have been invited, despite liking or loving the bride and groom. It's normally so expensive and exhausting generally.

It might be a good idea to say you don't want any gifts so people don't feel like the announcement is an expectation of gifts.

Neyite

Suucee wrote: »

Told OH's parents yesterday, didnt say alot but i dont think MIL is too happy. But hey cant please everyone. Every man we tell thinks is great, every woman thinks im mad.
Were happy. it will be stress free and not mad expensive. All booked before we told OH's family anyway so not much can be done.
Oh its next month. Gave our notice to reg office in November. Kind of left that out of OP.
Everyone is shocked. Less than 8 weeks away. :-)

That's exactly how I plan to do it too. Even well meaning people get caught up in the excitement of a pending celebration and make suggestions, sometimes quite forcefully. By presenting it as a done deal they cant stick their oar in too much.

The Bishop Basher

We had something very similar.

Family only for a ceremony and meal in a local restaurant. No bridesmaides, groomsmen etc. Our 2 daughters were flowergirls which made them feel very much part of it.

We decided if we invited one friend we'd have to invite them all and without exception they understood that. Many turned up for the ceremony anyway which was great.

We followed it up with a big session in our local where everyone was invited. The night was a blast and just how we wanted it. No formalities, no suits, no nonsense. Just a great night.

We requested no gifts but people were still very generous and we were grateful for everything we were given.

Like you, we planned last minute and had to go to court to get the licence but that was just a formality. We had the big engagement 6 years prior but never got around to it. I called her from work one day and said lets do it. She agreed and we were married a month later.

Have to say I wouldn't have done it without family but maybe we're both lucky in that they don't try to run our lives. They were just happy to be there and be part of it all as we were them.

Looking back now i'm so glad we took that rush decision as her father was diagnosed 2 weeks after the wedding. He died 3 months later. It was the only one of his daughters that he got to see married and it meant everything to him.

So while I understand everyone has different relationships with parents and family, think long and hard before excluding them from important events in your life. You never know what lays just around the corner.

OP - I hope you a have a fantastic day. Congratulations and may you have a long and happy marriage.