secret wedding/marriage

dd1980

After reading all these posts now. What a few days you have had Suucee. If I was you I would cancel the party. Have the small ceremony you had first planned then head straight from the registry office to the airport for a family honeymoon. By the time you, your husband and kids come back home the whole lot should be blown over.

DaisyD2

Suucee wrote: »

If she is bringing all this up its clearly that is the problem.

Stop. Take a step back, you have been with her son years now, forget a paper cert (obviously & unromantically neccessary with a vicious cow like this on loose!)

You are looking to justify the unjustifyable!

You are NOT the problem!
Your children & OH are not the problem!

She is. Leave her at it, if it wasn't one thing she'd pick something else. Honestly, she would, it stopped being about you the day you told her your happy news. Don't let her take your day too.

Talk to your OH when you've both calmed, you must be reeling from the tirades. I know what I'd do and I've never regret my decision but its up to the two of you to come together now & decide whats best for you both.

Then be at peace with that decision

Toots

Your mother in law is an absolute bitch. How dare she hold it against you that you were struggling after having your child, and the fact that she said you 'just needed to get on with it' when you had PND shows just how ignorant both she and your SIL are. I'm sure she must never have felt stressed, or snapped at her husband, when she had a new baby.

I'm actually fuming on your behalf here. What an absolutely horrible pair. It must be well for them up there on their high horses. And I completely agree with ABajininCork, I wouldn't be letting her anywhere near the house until she apologises and changes her attitude. Make sure your OH is on the same page about this (I feel very sorry for him, too, having to deal with her crap)

Seriously, cancel the big wedding. Either change the date with the registry office and do it on the QT a bit sooner/later in Ireland, or else cancel the Irish bit altogether, and go abroad with your OH and kids, get married, and then have an awesome holiday. If you want, throw a bash when you get back, but don't be under any pressure to. If your in-laws are going to behave so horribly, they don't deserve to be asked to share your wedding day.

December2012

Deep breaths OP.

Stop getting offended by your sister in law and your mother in law.

Your mother in law seems the type who would say if something was bothering her. So it's not the wedding. So stop thinking it's about the wedding.

She may have something else going on in her life, she may have another problem.

Just calm down because you are getting very worked up over your wedding. And you may blame other people but in reality the only person you control is you.

Stop taking offence, stop thinking about it. Stop reacting dramatically.

As I said; deep breaths. You are getting married. To a man you love. Who loves you.

ABajaninCork

December2012 wrote: »

Deep breaths OP.

Stop getting offended by your sister in law and your mother in law.

Your mother in law seems the type who would say if something was bothering her. So it's not the wedding. So stop thinking it's about the wedding.

She may have something else going on in her life, she may have another problem.

Just calm down because you are getting very worked up over your wedding. And you may blame other people but in reality the only person you control is you.

Stop taking offence, stop thinking about it. Stop reacting dramatically.

As I said; deep breaths. You are getting married. To a man you love. Who loves you.

Easier said than done. The MiL came into the OP's house. Uninvited. And started shouting the odds. From reading the OP's posts she'd always got on well with the in-laws. This came out of nowhere. AND she started dragging up the OP's illness when she had her last child. So it's a little unfair to say the OP is reacting dramatically as you put it. It is also not true it's not about the wedding. It IS!! And the MiL is busy slinging mud to drive home her point. And it was done in hearing of the OP's kids. Hardly surprising she's a little upset, is it?

If the MiL has something else going on in her life, it's hardly the OP's fault. Or her problem. She has enough of her own! MiL needs to realise it's not about her. Her son needs neither her permission nor her blessing (although that would be nice). And if she's not careful, she will drive away her son.

But you're right on one thing. Deep breaths. And to hell with them all...

Neyite

Right succee, stop apologising! You should never have done that in the first place, because now she thinks that she was in the right. But its done now all you can do from here is reestablish some authority here.

Forget for now the relation, if a friend walked into your home and said that, what would your reaction be? Youd likely tell fer to f.o and not to bother contacting you unless it's to apologise profusley.

So do the same here. Your partner rings up and tells her that she is not welcome and won't be until an apology is made to both of you, but especially you, and if that means missing the wedding so be it. No grandchildren visits either.

And that this applies to anyone who has a problem with his future wife. If she realises that she is risking losing contact with her son and grandchildren she might rethink her bullying.

You were fully reasonable to ask for help about your pnd. And if you treated your partner badly during that time, that is between you and him. I'm guessing since he is keen to marry now, he is fine with it and considers it out of character for you and in the past. She is not entitled to hold a grudge on his behalf.

sadbob

Vel wrote: »

Has anyone done something like this without telling ANYONE at all, as in not even having witnesses lined up? Can they provide witnesses at the registry office?

We did a few years ago - no one knew other than our photographer, who acted as our witness. Did it abroad so only needed one witness. If i had to do it again i wouldn't change a thing. If I were the OP, I'd cancel and do it some other time. I can't believe other people getting so put out - circumstances like this ruin life long relations.

January

Oh Succee I feel for you

I hope your MIL apologizes. Put the foot down, no more adding people on, just get married and be done with it, with or without people there it will still be a fab day because you are marrying the person you love.

Suucee

Only catching up on this now.

I said to MIL (via txt) that yes is feel like my PND has become an issue for her since she is bringing it up. i highlighted that i apologised to OH. I sought out and got the help i needed for his sake and the kids. I apologised for being rude to her at a time when i was oblivious as so much was going on for me.
I told her that its only been a week since we announced we are getting married , we wanted nothing to change but everything has.
she replied saying that no one has ever been unfair to me least of all her, that nothing has changed.
i replied saying "you came in to our house today, spoke to me and OH the way you did, barely gave us a chance to say anything, walked out before anyone had a chance to clear the air, we told people a week ago we are getting married, since then ive hardly slept, ive cried probably every day, everything has changed, we never wanted any of this, thats why we chose such a small venue and no fuss"]
she didnt reply

the biggest problem here is she is not just OH;s mother, ive always got on so so well with her, i really have, we have often gone shopping together. id call out there once or twice a week with the kids (OH would be in work) just for a chat and cup of tea.
yes i shouldnt have to apologise for when i had pnd symptoms but i dont want to fall out with her.

Ive never fallen out with anyone and ive seriously fallen out with 3 very close people in the space of a week.
My face hurts from crying at this stage.

Toots

What does your OH think?

sonners

Suucee wrote: »

Ive never fallen out with anyone and ive seriously fallen out with 3 very close people in the space of a week.
My face hurts from crying at this stage.

Please remember YOU have not fallen out with anyone, THEY have fallen out with you. They are the ones who have a problem with the choices you have made. It is their problem, not yours. I understand that it hurts when people who mean something to you fall out with you but please dont take all the burden of this on your own shoulders. You have done nothing to cause any of this strife, they are the ones with the issues here.

Also, for the record;

- criticising me for suffering from PND (I've been there unfortunately) - UNACCEPTABLE
- raising your voice at me in my own house - UNACCEPTABLE
- raising your voice at me in earshot of my children - UNACCEPTABLE

For anyone to treat me like this and still expect me to interact with them, they would need to apologise profusely and be willing to work to regain my trust and friendship.

You have said that you previously had a very good relationship with your MIL, now have seen a new side to her. I'm sorry that this has happened whilst you are planning your wedding but you need to realise that this has nothing to do with your wedding or even your PND, it has to do with her not being a very nice person after all. I'm sorry that someone you thought was a friend turned out to be a ****.

Suucee

Mil rang this morning and apologised.
Not sure exactly what she said as it was just before OH went out the door to go to work so he didnt have time to repeat everything. But it seemed like an apology for the way she has been treating me and her behaviour yesterday.
OH gone to work smiling. First time hes had a proper smile in days.

Neyite

Suucee wrote: »

Mil rang this morning and apologised.
Not sure exactly what she said as it was just before OH went out the door to go to work so he didnt have time to repeat everything. But it seemed like an apology for the way she has been treating me and her behaviour yesterday.
OH gone to work smiling. First time hes had a proper smile in days.

Maybe having had time to reflect, she realised she was damaging the relationship she has with her son and with you. Its a good start towards mending friendships, I'm really glad that she did this for you.

I was thinking about this last night and wondered if she was getting moaned at from other family members that are seemingly happy with your arrangements to your face, but are giving out about your wedding to her instead of you and the nagging just got to her. I know a few families that happens in.

Maybe someone showed her this topic and she realised what a cow she was being!!!

Suucee

Neyite wrote: »

I was thinking about this last night and wondered if she was getting moaned at from other family members that are seemingly happy with your arrangements to your face, but are giving out about your wedding to her instead of you and the nagging just got to her. I know a few families that happens in.

maybe but i think its unlikely. OH has 2 sisters one is very quiet and thats the one that already had a go. The other wouldnt hesitate to say whats on her mind. Were surpeised she hasnt said something. His brother and father seem happy to be leaving out the stress and drama.

I hope she didnt see this. Unlikely as shes not great with computers at all

Gatica

There's so much fiasco around your wedding, and it wasn't supposed to be like that. You should know that none of it sounds like your fault. Weddings bring out the crazy in people, so your MIL/SIL that you always had got on with or that seemed quiet have now caught the crazy.
Take a step back and re-assess this with your partner. What do both of you really want? Do you just want to be married and forget all the wedding party drama? Then do that. Do you want to celebrate with your dear friends and family (in spite of the drama)? Then try to find a low-hassle way of doing that.
Exclude the people giving you grief. Organise things from home or over the phone with those that support you. Do not include those that are not supportive in the planning. Do not let them into your home. Let your OH talk to his family and let them know that hostile behaviour toward you, especially in your home will not be tolerated and they will not be welcome in your home until they can learn to behave as adults.
They'll soon learn that throwing a tantrum is only going to get them further away from your OH and your children, which probably isn't what they want.

You have no need to apologise to your MIL about how you treat your OH. That's between you two, and if apologies were necessary I'm sure you've already done that with him yourself, not that they need to know that. If he was feeling like you were mistreating him, he wouldn't be trying to marry you now. So it's time for them to let it go.

December2012

Fair play to your MIL. She had a wobble and wasn't nice - we all do that from time to time.

I think it says a lot about the friendship that you really do have that she did that.

I hope you're happier now -no more tears Bride! And I'm glad your fiancé is.

schemingbohemia

December2012 wrote: »

Fair play to your MIL. She had a wobble and wasn't nice - we all do that from time to time.

I think it says a lot about the friendship that you really do have that she did that.

I hope you're happier now -no more tears Bride! And I'm glad your fiancé is.

But she apologised to Son not the OP, at least that's how I read it. That's not acceptable.

fits

Sometimes, when people freak out, a bit of space and time to get their heads around it is golden. We had a few moments... I just completely backed off for a time and they came around.

December2012

schemingbohemia wrote: »

But she apologised to Son not the OP, at least that's how I read it. That's not acceptable.

Well that depends on your temperament and what was said. There's no sense in stoking the fire. And it would be good enough for me.

eviltwin

schemingbohemia wrote: »

But she apologised to Son not the OP, at least that's how I read it. That's not acceptable.

This.

OP you were the one she had a go with and yet she's saying sorry to him? Maybe she is a bit embarrassed but I'd be ringing her and saying that while I appreciate the apology and the gesture you'd like one too. Using your PND as a stick to beat you with is totally out of order. She had no right to do that.

Suucee

She apologised for the way she treated me. She said it to him not me.
im happier as OH is happier.
I wont be calling out there any time soon thats for sure. Im still annoyed so think i need time to cool also.
We'll see what happens anyway. She knows OH works all week so he cant call out with the kids so its up to her now if she wants to see them. I doubt she will call in while he is at work though.

kitten_k

Just read all this thread - sorry for the hassle you have had for just wanting a simple wedding.

How have things been with your MIL, SIL and Sis now Suucee?

Suucee

kitten_k wrote: »

Just read all this thread - sorry for the hassle you have had for just wanting a simple wedding.

How have things been with your MIL, SIL and Sis now Suucee?

Have only seen MIL a handful of times as i wont go out to hers unless OH is with me (used to go alot during the week when OH is working before this). Its been fairly awkward but its not fair on the kids as they do love seeing them.
She hasnt called here since. when we are there there is absolutely no wedding talk.

I txt SIL last week to just try clear the air and seemed pretty pointless. i basically said that "i know you feel i snapped, sorry but i do feel our wedding is about us bla bla bla bla"
anyway her reply was "yes you did snap and im not having it and apology accepted, i was only trying to give ye advice"
so i said then " that giving advice is different than saying our wedding isnt about us and storming out etc etc"
she never replied.
next day i had 2 missed calls so i msg'ed her and again she never replied. so the following day i sent her another msg saying i dont know what the issue is i wanted to call it quits but yet your not even replying.
she replied just saying
"im very busy, we called it quits, end of, time to move on"
i didnt even reply. just not worth it.

Landed out to MILs sunday afternoon and she was there. she completely ignored us and both our kids who she has not seen in weeks.

So its all still very awkward. we have the other SIL's bday at the weekend so that will be fun lol.

Oh and my own sis seems to have gotten over it all but is now saying she thinks she might try come home. it would be nice but i dont want her to start harping on about how much it cost and all that.

Still half regretting telling everyone. only half as seeing my mum so excited is great. i have the lil guy in a suit matching his daddy and it will be so cute. our daughters dress is very similar to mine.
mine only arrived today and my mum was lacing it up on me today and she started to well up and my daughter (2.5yrs) asked "whats wrong nanny? mammy is gorgeous"
so seeing my family getting so excited and happy and my own lil family is all that matters.
If his family continue to act like this and go around with sour pusses its only themselves that look bad.
Oh and FIL seems pretty happy too, brought us out to sort cake last week, he is organising that. and gave OH an envelope with a few quid in it today to put towards dj or food etc.

Gatica

Glad to hear that not everyone's being unreasonable and giving you support.

the SIL and MIL are acting childish and selfish. The "move on" comment comes across more as a dig than an offer of peace, but hope I'm wrong.
The ones that'll suffer for this is them anyway as I'm sure everyone else will see what cows they're being. If she's no interest in seeing the kids then that's even worse, I'm glad they'll at least have one grandmother being happy to spend time with them.

kopfan77

Suucee wrote: »

Myself and my partner are together 11 yrs . Living together 8 yrs and have 2 kids.
basically we do not like the attention organisation or anything really to do with a wedding but on the other hand we want our relationship legalised.
He is not a legal gaurdian to our kids. We are not each others next of kin .
So we have decided to get married in a registry office and tell no one. Our parents are constanlty annoying us about it too.
we have told my sister and niece and they are going to be our witnesses .
has anyone done this before.
also what do we wear. Might sound like a stupid question but it hadnt really crossed my mind yet.

My wife and I did this last year. We didnt want a church wedding and didnt want any of the hassle of a traditional wedding. Couldnt bear the thoughts of 100+ people sitting down (and some of them only there because they had to be invited so as not to offend parents etc) and knowing that auntie mary didnt like the dinner and cousin thought the band were crap lol!

So we booked into the shelbourne in dublin for a few nights in feb of last year and got married in the registry office on 27th feb (a little tip...we emailed the shelbourne in advance explaining to them what we were doing and just dropped it in that if there was anything they could do to help make our day more special that it would be greatly appreciated....and they upgraded us to the JFK suite for the 3 nights.

My wife had her sister and her best mate stand with her, and I had two of my best mates.....and we were the only 6 people who knew about the whole thing!! We had an absolute blast!!

We still did the wedding suit/wedding dress....hired a fancy old fashioned vintage car, had a photographer take photos all the way through from the girls getting ready etc, the ceremony, beautiful photos in st stephens green, having pints after, had flowers and all that jazz. And then the 6 of us went for a slap up meal in marco pierre whites after and had a good old session afterwards....it was gas in the pubs later...people asking us did we really get married etc etc.

So we got married on the thurs....had the friday to ourselves in dublin to wander and do touristy stuff and eat in nice restaurants etc and then saturday we flew out on our honeymoon and only rang people and told them about it while at the airport lol

All in all I couldnt recommend this way of doing it highly enough

Cork 1980

Suucee wrote: »

so seeing my family getting so excited and happy and my own lil family is all that matters.

Just remember this Suucee and I hope your day turns out how you want it. I've been reading the thread and have been feeling so p'd off on your behalf. Your SIL is out of order, plain and simple. You've tried to have an adult discussion about it, and she's refusing to sort it out. Ignore her and just focus on your family. Your MIL is probably embarrassed (rightly so) about how she spoke to you. She knows she should apologise to you but is unable to make that first step. At least some of the in-laws are being supportive and helping you. I hope that continues.

All the best for the day when it arrives. Hope you get the day you and the OH were originally hoping for.

Suucee

so 3 days to D day. all ok with MIL . back to normal but SIL still ignoring us and the kids (what they done i dont know) . she has had plenty of chance to speak to us and i did attemp speaking to her infront of her OH and mother and her mother answered.
i asked other SIL today is she going and she said yeah. with a kind of confused tone.
ah well it will be her sitting with a puss while everyone else is enjoying themselves.
we've also booked to go away for 2 nights and MIL going to mind the kids. it will be nice but im going to miss them so much.

MarieOC

It's her loss! You're going to have an amazing day don't give her a second thought.

kitten_k

Hope you have a great day Suucee.

eviltwin

Try and put her out of your head and focus on enjoying the next few days. Hopefully someone will have stepped in and put some manners on her. She is being incredibly rude and selfish. And if she has a face like a smacked arse on the day ignore it. Have a wonderful day.

LynnGrace

Suucee wrote: »

Still half regretting telling everyone. only half as seeing my mum so excited is great. i have the lil guy in a suit matching his daddy and it will be so cute. our daughters dress is very similar to mine.
mine only arrived today and my mum was lacing it up on me today and she started to well up and my daughter (2.5yrs) asked "whats wrong nanny? mammy is gorgeous"
so seeing my family getting so excited and happy and my own lil family is all that matters.
If his family continue to act like this and go around with sour pusses its only themselves that look bad.
Oh and FIL seems pretty happy too, brought us out to sort cake last week, he is organising that. and gave OH an envelope with a few quid in it today to put towards dj or food etc.

Keep this in mind, and that is just so lovely what your little girl said. Aww.
Honestly, someone who can carry on like this, and ignore small kids who haven't a clue what is going on, I would never look at them in the same way again, I just couldn't respect them. Ever.

I hope you have a fantastic day, you and your OH. Remember you will only do this once , so hold your head high, and enjoy every minute of it.

westernlass

Best of luck tomorrow. Hope you both have an amazing day

Grandadsbear

Hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow Suucee... I did something similar for my own wedding 6 years ago... Family only.

Had my parents, my best friend (as witness) and my husband had his Mother (Father R.I.P.) 7 siblings, with their husbands/wifes and children and the Priest.

My parents didn't mind, what I did once we were happy!!! Didn't go down that well with MIL and a couple of SIL's at first but I think despite themselves they had a good day... I don't really care.

Funnily enough of 2 SIL's, who had the BIG DAYS thought it was the best idea and most relaxed way and if they had their time over would have just done the same!!!

The main point is I had a wonderful day with my husband, a lovely meal in a hotel restuarant and a number of friends came in to the hotel bar that evening and just celebrated with us!!!

Pistachios & cream

Best of look tomorrow. Enjoy your day

Suucee

about 2 hours ago my sister that lives in NZ walked in the door. i was in such shock. cant believe after everything she came home for it .

witchgirl26

Suucee - I really hope your wedding goes well for you tomorrow. I defo agree that everyone should have the day that they want for their wedding, not the day others think they should have.

One think I thought when reading how your MIL snapped at you is if she had suffered similar but hadn't had any help or was told to get on with it? Or had misinformation about the implications & how it could affect her son & grandchildren. Agree that a few weeks before a wedding is no time to be bringing it up at all but major events sometimes bring these things to the fore. Anyway glad it's back to normal with ye.

Toots

Suucee wrote: »

about 2 hours ago my sister that lives in NZ walked in the door. i was in such shock. cant believe after everything she came home for it .

That's awesome! I hope you have a really wonderful day tomorrow!

January

I hope you have a magical day tomorrow Suucee. Early congratulations to you and your husband and two little ones.

Dubl07

Have a smashing day, Suucee.

ShazGV

Hope you have a great day tomorrow Suucee, congratulations!

KatW4

Have a fab day tomorrow! How lovely that your sister surprised you! Congratulations x

gumgum1

Best if luck tomorrow suucee have the time of your life ...your wedding has made me think i would like a day like yours. I'm sure it will be amazing. ...

DaisyD2

have a Fabulous day/weekend/Life! Blessings x

autumnrain

Read this whole thread today and wanted to wish you all the best for the day and for your life together.

To be honest weddings generally don't create what wasn't there, they highlight it. So if you'd done all this privately and told the begrudgers later, you'd have the same drama. At least you stood your ground beforehand and now you both have set a new standard for your married life in how you'll be treated and spoken to.
These demands to 'do what's expected' will come up again but now you know ye have each other's backs when things get rough.
That's worth celebrating and I hope ye celebrate in style! Congrats!

stinkle

Have a wonderful time! Congratulations!

Esterhase

Delighted for you Suucee! I hope you have a brilliant time today, and congratulations!

kitten_k

Milly33

Hope you had a wonderfull day. Delighted you sister made it to make it even more special...

Cork 1980

Hope you and your family have a great day today. Best wishes for a long and happy life together