Daughter wants to know why her dad isn't in her life

LegacyUser

I have a darling 7 year old daughter , she is the light of my life and I wouldn't be without her for the world . Unfortunately , her conception was far from ideal . I'd been having an affair with a married man ( please don't berate me for it , I know I was wrong) . I foolishly believed him when he told me his marriage was on the rocks and that I was the one for him . Anyway , he ran back to his wife when he discovered I was pregnant . He has never wanted anything to do with my child , but does pay weekly maintenace .
My daughter has now reached the age where she realises that our family is not like many other families . She has many friends from one parent homes , but these children know their dads and have relationships with them . My daughter constantly questions why her daddy doesn't want to meet her . I've tried to explain as best I can that her father has never met her and lives far away ( he does) so that he can't just pop in to visit . This satisfied her up till now , but she has been very upset for the past week, wanting to know if she can ring or email her daddy . I can't tell her that her father wants nothing to do with her (however gently I would word it) , it would break her precious little heart . Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can make it clear to her that he doesn't want to know her without devastating her ? When she's old enough to understand , I will tell her all about him and she can make contact with him if she so chooses , but in the meantime , what do I do ??

Orion

I've approved this anonymous post but I first edited out the parenting acronyms - specifically "dd". Please read the charter regarding the usage of these acronyms

December2012

You could contact her father and see if he would like to meet her?

Separately, you could tell her his nAme and the county / city that he lived in. As in, his name was John and he lived in Cork (nothing further yet). You can tell her that you met at work, college, etc (a sanitised version of the truth but the truth nonetheless).

You can say that you went out for some time and you got pregnant. At the time he felt he was not able to be her father.

Tell her that you don't know if he ever will be ready to be her daddy.

And that there is nothing more she can do - it has to be up to him.

Give her lots of reassurance that it is not because of her.

MileyReilly

What's dd

sonners

I agree with what December2012 has said, reinforce it is not her fault. And also providing her with a name/place may be enough to please her for now.

The most important thing in my opinion is not to lie about anything, you can omit things but dont lie. As you said you will eventually tell your daughter the full story, you dont want to start out that conversation apologising for lying to her.

If its any help to you I have experience of similar feelings in a little girl of similar age. My niece's father is in Australia. He see's her once a year or so and she adores him. But sometimes she questions why he doesn't see her more often, why he has to live all the way over there. We went with the support theory, we support his choice to live over there and tell her that he needs to do so for work. That if he could get a job back here he would in the morning (this is not the reality). We figure she can make her own mind up on things when she's old enough to see the big picture. Anyway, this also affects her confidence at times and gets her down. We just reassure her that:
- its not her fault, it is not personal to her, she did nothing to cause this.
- if daddy could see her every day he would but circumstance outside of his control means that he cant (its not his fault either)
- that she is an amazing little girl, we feel so sorry for him to be missing out on seeing her every day. But that we know he would be so proud of her and all things she does.

I think maybe the issue for your daughter is a confidence one, the effect of a missing parent. I think maybe you are struggling because you are ashamed of the story but, for now, simple answers can give her alot and its up to you what the conversation focuses on. For my niece, this sadness only became an issue when she was around a similar age to your daughter. And to be honest it hasn't gone away completely (she's nearly ten now). It comes and goes at different times (birthdays, christmas) but we acknowledge it, talk to her and listen, hugs and cuddles and she feels better.

greengirl31

OP – I could’ve written your post myself !!! My Daughter is also 7 and her dad never sees her which is his choice and not mine …. I tried very hard at the start to facilitate a relationship between them but he always had an excuse not to turn up. I tried again a few months ago and the same thing started – he might be able to make it on Saturday but wasn’t sure etc etc … In the meantime, my daughter is sobbing cause she misses her Daddy … Even though it’s over 4 years since he’s seen her and she was only 3 at the time.

I’ve always been as honest as I can with my daughter - I tell her that daddy loves her and that he does his best but he works far away and can’t just pop by like other people’s dad’s who don’t live with them do. That has worked for a while but I think it’s not going to be enough in a while. Like you, I really don’t want to tell her that he doesn’t want to see her but I think she’s now wondering why I don’t do more let her see him – she asks things like “can you not just ring him and ask him to come for a visit” and “why is he always working” ….

So OP, I think you should be as honest as possible – show her pictures if you have any, maybe see if he would be open to a phone call even (we did this last year and it satisfied my daughter for months). And try not to dwell on things too much … Let your daughter take the lead and don’t bring up the subject unless she does. I find my daughter misses her daddy more when I’m giving out and trying to get her to bed :P

Pawwed Rig

dd is dear daughter afaik

Can you talk to the father again about it and tell him what is going on? If there is any chance that there could be a relationship then for your daughters sake do all you can to accomodate it. It is alien to me how someone could cut their child out of their life like that. I wonder is there pressure coming from his wife too.
I guess my advice is to be as honest with your daughter as you can without upsetting her. It is a s****y situation to be in:(

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies .
Christmas has been very difficult . She has cried herself to sleep many nights wondering why daddy doesn't love her . I had already told her that daddy loves her very much but lives too far away to visit her (not the truth , he's only 40km away but I can't tell her that ) . I've told her his name and have shown her the one picture I have where he was holding her (he came to visit once when she was a baby to sign a maintenace agreement ) .
I contacted him over christmas to see if he'd please visit her and explain that he loves her but can't see her regularly . He's refused (and refused phone call /Skype also). I don't know why he's doing this . Maybe he's under pressure from his wife , or maybe he's just a heartless b###### .
I'm doing the best I can to reassure my daughter that he loves her , but not so easy to do when I just want to abuse him from a height for causing such distress to a darling darling child ! I'm just hoping that its a phase she's going through and that she will come to accept that I am there for her no matter what and that she is my world .

LegacyUser

ddsoupset wrote: »

Thank you for your replies .
Christmas has been very difficult . She has cried herself to sleep many nights wondering why daddy doesn't love her . I had already told her that daddy loves her very much but lives too far away to visit her (not the truth , he's only 40km away but I can't tell her that ) . I've told her his name and have shown her the one picture I have where he was holding her (he came to visit once when she was a baby to sign a maintenace agreement ) .
I contacted him over christmas to see if he'd please visit her and explain that he loves her but can't see her regularly . He's refused (and refused phone call /Skype also). I don't know why he's doing this . Maybe he's under pressure from his wife , or maybe he's just a heartless b###### .
I'm doing the best I can to reassure my daughter that he loves her , but not so easy to do when I just want to abuse him from a height for causing such distress to a darling darling child ! I'm just hoping that its a phase she's going through and that she will come to accept that I am there for her no matter what and that she is my world .

Why are you telling her lies? Do not speak for him or tell her he loves her. That is a double bind and a mixed message. It is the lies that undo us.

Tell her that he has made a choice not to be in her life or yours and that he has another family and his life is full. And mostly it is not her fault and that he does not know what he is missing.

This will hurt her and you to deliver this message, but it's better to break through the illusionment and take a short cut to acceptance. It will save you both an awful lot of pain.

For any number of complex sociological reasons, men can do this the same way they can go into war and kill each other. There is no point asking why...focus on the what of it. Maybe to save the family he has he had to kill of the new one he made. Who knows....but what matter is that your daughter knows it is not her fault. They have an ingenious way of blaming themselves for anything.

Tasden

Tbh I personally think stressing that he loves her may cause more hurt/heartache/confusion. This is just my opinion so not saying its right, but the guy isn't showing any love towards the child, trying to convince her that this guy who doesn't show ANY love towards her actually loves her may just confuse her and give her strange ideas about what love is supposed to be. You want her to know and understand what real and genuine love is and how people treat one another when they love each other, and that's what YOU (and her extended family I'm assuming?) give and teach her. Telling her that this guy, who doesn't want anything to do with her, loves her is imo maybe causing confusion and heartache because she might be thinking if mammy/granny/aunt love me and they want to spend time with me then why, if daddy loves me, does he not even want to talk on the phone or see me even once- If he does love me like mammy says then surely there is something that can be done to make him want to see me.
I dunno if I'm making sense here.

That's not to say you should go and tell the child he doesn't love her. But i just wouldn't be trying to convince her that he loves her and misses her etc, because lets face it if he did he'd be in her life in some way and she knows this on some level, so muddying the waters by saying he does love and miss her may just be causing more confusion about the situation than anything else. Instead I would stress how much YOU love her. That her dad is missing out but there's nothing that can be done about that.

From being in a similar, albeit not the same, situation all you can do is acknowledge her feelings, that she feels shes missing out and whatever else, and tell her you know shes sad and that you're here for cuddles and chats when/if she wants to talk. Its ****ty feeling so helpless but it is something you cant change or control so you just have to learn to deal with it as best you can and just do your best to let her know you're there for her.

December2012

You should make an appointment and discuss this with your daughters teacher, or at least advise them (the reason being that it is likely to be affecting her in school, also the school may have access to a counselling service that could help her process her feelings, such as Rainbows).

Tasden

December2012 wrote: »

You should make an appointment and discuss this with your daughters teacher, or at least advise them (the reason being that it is likely to be affecting her in school, also the school may have access to a counselling service that could help her process her feelings, such as Rainbows).

Meant to say that actually, if school aren't aware do meet up with the teacher. My little one's school is great for using "family/special person" when talking about families and parents to the kids, they never use the terms mam and dad or parents when discussing home life because they're aware that all families are different and they have the rainbows programmes etc. So do keep them in the loop and they can let you know of services available or give you a heads up if they ever notice anything about her like she becomes withdrawn or seems upset.

The fact she's opening up to you about it and asking you questions though is really positive. Better than her feeling that way and keeping it bottled up so you're obviously doing things right.

Chemical Byrne

Hi OP. I'm sorry to hear of how difficult her father is making life for you both by essentially abandoning his own child. I sympathise with your daughter, it must be very upsetting just not knowing why he never has an interest.

I know it's not very helpful but you'd have to ask yourself is your daughter even better off without him, I mean, imo it really is a pathetic excuse of a man that would turn his back on his own baby. I could never do it.

Is there any chance you could talk him into paying her some attention, even if you have to guilt him into it? Surely he could arrange to visit her on her birthday.

So he have other children with his wife? Does she or them even know about your daughter?

clint_silver

I know someone in similar cirumstances. one night affair led to the daughter who's nearly 10 now. he said straight away nothing to do with him. her mam told her the dad was dead, and never to speak about him.

great little kid. I ask the mam regularly what she thinks, does she ever ask but the mam says she, the daughter, thinks the dad is dead.

I think this pushes a big issue further down the line when the child does find out about the Dad and she has to immediately start coping with a lifetime of what if's and questions that it raises that she could have dealt with if she'd known from earlier on, but it does also say something about the strength of the childs coping mechanisms if they know the father isnt around.

I wouldnt have gone that route for that reason but believe the honesty approach is key so the child can come to terms with only having one parent for a specific honest reason. she'll appreciate it more in the long run and you avoid any possible harboring of resentment towards you about the lie when the child finds out (either directly or through realisation) that the Dad doesnt love her, ( Id word it so it means you love her twice as much) .

Chemical Byrne

I think that's a pretty bad way to deal with it, telling a child that their dead beat dad is dead. (dead beat, maybe)
What happens if they want to look him up if the future and discover that he's not dead? That would backfire spectacularly on the mother.
Could one explain it be saying something along the lines of he has got problems and can't/won't give you the parenting you need?

The reality is that these are very ****ty situation and there simply is no nice pleasant way of packaging up sweetening the the fact that one's own parent has rejected them and wants nothing to do with them. It's really horrible what ever way its dressed up. It makes me sick thinking about how a guy could do this.

Pawwed Rig

To be fair and play devils advocate, did the guy inform you very early on in the pregnancy that he wanted nothing to do with the child? If so then it was the Ops decision alone to have the child.
As a consequence of this decision the OP is left in the current predicament which, tbh, I cannot see any way around not telling the child that the bio Father has rejected her. I suppose it is similar to parents of adopted children. How do they explain that the bio parents have 'rejected' their child. Maybe someone who is adopted could give better advice than I could.

Chemical Byrne

I can't say I'd agree with the above. I don't think if or when he informed her that he wasn't interested should get him off the hook. If he wasn't prepared to accept the risk of pregnancy then he shouldn't have had sex with her or at least have used contraception.

As I said, if her father is this much of a dead beat flake, the girl is probably better off without him. No easy way to explain that to her though.

I bet if it was a mother who flat out ignored and abandoned her child in this manner people would be singing a different tune.

Pawwed Rig

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

I bet if it was a mother who flat out ignored and abandoned her child in this manner people would be singing a different tune.

Wouldn't happen really as the mother has a lot of options available to her where she doesn't want a child. If women were forced to mother children they didn't want then I think you would be seeing amnesty international getting involved.
Anyway we are going slightly off the point.

It is an impossible situation for a little girl to be in.

lulu1

Even if the father was to inform the mother that he wanted nothing to do with the child early on in the pregnancy what was she supposed to do. There were options there but oviousely they were not for her She had to accept the responsibility and fair play to her for bringing up her daughter on her own

Anyway back to the father. OP I would not big him up to your daughter by telling her that he loves her and misses her when he clearly dose not..I think the next time your daughter mentions her father I would sit her down and tell her that you have been in contact with him and for now he has no time for any of you in his life and you both have to accept his choice
It will hurt her op but at least she will not be left living in hope that she will see him soon.

OP maybe this is just my thinking but is 7 not very young to be constantly asking about a dad you've never seen. Could be some other kids at school are putting the idea into her head or asking her who or where her dad is

Tasden

lulu1 wrote: »

OP maybe this is just my thinking but is 7 not very young to be constantly asking about a dad you've never seen. Could be some other kids at school are putting the idea into her head or asking her who or where her dad is

It's exactly the same as a 7 year old asking for a sibling. Other kids talk about theirs. Tv shows where its the standard mam,dad and two or three kids. Neighbours/kids on the road all have one. Even out and about other kids all seem to have one. Its perfectly natural for her to see that (the majority of) other children have one and to wonder why she doesn't/never has.

It could very well be that someone asked her or commented on it in school but that's not a bad thing and it doesn't mean she wouldn't have started asking questions on her own either. It seems a perfectly normal age for her to be questioning things and feeling a sense of loss for the "normal" family that other children her age have.

lulu1

Yea I know it's perfectly normal for a child to ask questions now and again and most of them will accept the answer they are given for a while at least. But a seven year old crying herself to sleep wondering why her daddy dosent love her makes me wonder if there are kids at school or in the street that are saying things or are asking her questions all the time about her dad.

December2012

I imagine that it's on her mind because she is confused. Not strictly speaking because anybody has said anything specific to her, but because she doesn't know.

She has been told that somebody loves her yet won't see her. Quite rightly that does not make sense for her.

What the OP has told her in the past is no longer appropriate, if it ever was. Although it was and remains a very difficult situation.

Op you might get advice from Treoir or on discussion forum for single parents.

You could ask her teacher about the rainbows program - or a book.

Maybe a kind honesty would be best now.

Would it be as detrimental as the present situation to tell her that the man who created her is not able to be her father, and does not want to be a father because of his problems, and not because of her? The reason why I'm saying that it might be important to state he does not want to be a father is because I don't want the child to think it is the mothers choice to keep the 'father' away.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies . Just to answer a few queries . Yes I told him as soon as I found out I was pregnant . He begged me to consider an abortion which horrified me . He told me from the beginning that he wanted nothing to do with our child . He already had other children with his wife .
I don't think anyone has said anything to my daughter to make her question the lack of a father in her life , but I suppose now that she's in school and old enough to understand , she realises that most kids from single parent families have some sort of relationship with their father .
I thought about telling her that her dad wasn't ready to be a father but that's total bs . He has other children and from what I've heard is 'Father of the Year ' in his house . He just doesn't want to be a father to my child . I don't know if his children realise that they have a half sister and I don't know if his wife is influencing him in any way regards having a relationship with our daughter .
I know he made it clear from the start that he wanted nothing to do with her and I was happy to go along with that . I just wanted my baby and we have a very happy life in our little family unit . It never occurred to me that she might feel otherwise . And as for contacting him again , I've tried . He is adamant that he will not meet with her or speak to her . I have spoken to my daughters teacher and made her aware of the situation . They have a Rainbows programme in school , but it's almost finished for this year so she won't be able to join till the next school year . In the meantime , the teacher suggested I contact the hse and arrange to meet one of the child psychologists there for advice .

pwurple

You have dug a giant hole for yourself here by trying to soften the blow.

Be honest with her. Children accept the truth better than anything else. Don't tell her he loves her, because he clearly doesn't.

LegacyUser

I also think that honesty is best in this situation. My biological father was never around, he moved to england and married a woman with two kids the same age as me and a son he also has never had anything to do with. (This really frustrated me)
I know it was hard for my mum to be honest but i think it was the best thing for me. He simply didnt want to be a part of my life.
Your daughter will probably be upset, but at least she'll know the truth.
When shes older you can tell her the whole truth. I think she needs to know that he doesnt want to be part of her life because by reassuring her that he loves her she may have the hope that one day he will be around.

Chemical Byrne

December2012 wrote: »

Would it be as detrimental as the present situation to tell her that the man who created her is not able to be her father, and does not want to be a father because of his problems, and not because of her? The reason why I'm saying that it might be important to state he does not want to be a father is because I don't want the child to think it is the mothers choice to keep the 'father' away.

I think that is an excellent explanation. It will give her closure at least and she won't be living in hope that some day he will come back. It is also an explanation that will hold water well into the future teen years and beyond.
Mostly because it's true to a degree - anyone who rejects and refuses to care for their own child has problems. Someone like that has something wrong with them. It's not normal.

Adena

Ddsoupset, I feel for you and your child, I really do. I have a 5 year old boy whose dad doesn't want anything to do with him, and he was a planned pregnancy, so I can really sympathise with you. Try not to beat yourself up too much about the relationship you had with the so-called father as we all make mistakes and I'm sure you have learned a lot from it.

My son asks for his dad sometimes. He asks his name and I tell him it is the same as his middle name (when my son was a baby I still stupidly thought that my ex would change his mind, I'm just glad my son has my last name). He asks why his dad doesn't want to see him and I just tell him that his dad wanted to have a baby with me but then when he was born he thought that he wouldn't be a very good dad so left me to look after him. This is a very basic and sanitised version of the truth, but how do I word for a 5 year old "your dad was shagging some bird behind my back and when I left him for it refused to see his kid." I am scared to tell him that also because I'm worried that he will think that I didn't care about his dad coming to see him. In his mind he might think that it's my fault that he hasn't got a dad 'cause I left him even when he said that. I couldn't really argue with that.

I know it's hard but, as people tell me, at some point your child will be grown up and when she looks back she will see who gave her everything and loved her the most. I hope you figure it out. x