Is self esteem ruining job prospects?

baalad

Hi guys! Just wondering what your thoughts are on the following ....

Is it possible to actually be afraid/fear work?? ... through no confidence/low self esteem?

Years ago when i was in 6th year , i pulled out of school 3or4 weeks before the leaving cert exam. I remember feeling stressed and convinced i was going to fail and i just gave up i guess.

I later found work in a call centre and again, 6 weeks in and i quit. Its difficult to explain why.I just remember feeling that i wasn't good at the job where as everyone else that had started with me knew exactly what they were doing etc

I have virtually been unemployed since. However, i often look up jobs as i feel i WANT to work (especially now more then ever as friends etc have settled down and im here broke and can't afford all the things i would love to have) ... but anytime i see a job no matter how handy it may be, I talk myself out of it because im convinced i won't be good at it .

Now i don't want to play the 'poor me' card but my mam suffers with anxiety and i personally suspect she may have bipolar or at least another serious illness because she was always abusive to me growing up depending on her mood.I was often told i should have never been born, that i was the worst of all her children etc and often heard her saying things no kid ,or adult in fact, should have to hear! No idea how nor why my dad tolerated her but he did and life went on and here iam now .

I cant help feel that she is largely responsible for my low esteem and ultimately i feel thats why i have no confidence and feel unemployable. I was also spoiled growing up by my dad who i suspect may have done so to make up for the mother i had ha but this didnt help either as i lived too comfortably (money wise) when i was younger.

Im now in a situation where i have no idea what to do in order to over come my fears and get myself a good job! I considered college but again, talked myself out of it. I convinced myself that anything i wanted to do would be too difficult for me to learn and i'm useless at studying.

I have been to counseling before ,not to discuss this subject specifically although it was discussed and his advice was more or less "if your living comfortably then relax,dont worry about work, you will work when you are ready and need to" which at the time made sense but that was 3 years ago. When the hell am i going to be ready? Starting to feel that im doomed to the dole for life and im never gonna be able to attract the relationship i want, the holidays i want, car , house etc

At 29 im still young -ish but not for long.I feel the next few years are vital that i take some sort of action but what do i do when i have such fear , have absolutely no idea what i want to do with myself or what im even good at etc ? Its almost like i have no idea who i even am to be honest . I mean is it not ridiculous that i feel i want to work but don't understand why im not working. Or that im 29 and have no idea what im good at at or what i would like to do?


Am i just lazy or do you feel there is genuine reasoning behind it and that im being held back by certain issues ? I had for a while thought i may have social anxiety or a possible personality disorder as alot of the 'symptoms' matched how i feel however i sometimes go out with friends n stuff so i assume that it can't be social anxiety .... although i have always felt iam not great at interacting with people socially inc my friends but im not shy, nervous etc I just aint great at making conversations and being the person that makes people laugh etc

Sorry for the long post, just thought someone might relate or have advice on actions i need to take.

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm in same boat. Social anxiety is where you have an above average fear of being evaluated or judged by others. I think your main issue from what you are saying is you have poor self confidence. You need to get more involved and you will feel better and ready to take on greater challenges. Dont get hung up on metal Illness or self-diagnoses. Just put yourself out there and do what makes you happy. You are equal to everyone else and deserve the same opportunity. Dont accept anything less. And best of luck.

J Mysterio

Well you write well for a start I can relate to a lot of what you're saying.

Maybe try prepare a CV and then call into recruitment agencies and ask to make an appointment to discuss opportunities. You don't have to have a lot of experience.

Factory work if theres like an industrial estate near can be great place to get back in the game, earn a bit of money, be social, build self esteem.

Id recommend trying to start work. Once you have something going for you , you can still plan. By the way, not surprised you didnt hack the call centre - fucl( that!

Xenji

Just something I have noticed over the years is that a lot of my friends who worked in the likes of pubs, restaurants and the like from an early age or while they were studying have done a lot better in the workplace after graduating.

I am not saying this is the norm, but being more of a people person who is not shy and is polite and can understand others and a situation quickly and can easily communicate with and is not intimidated by strangers really stands to people, and having all these qualities is in no way easy, but even working on one of them could help you.

baalad

Cheers for the replies guys I might look into seeing a guidance counsellor and try and work out what it is im good at or would like to do etc and go from there .

Rhys Essien

OP,you left school at 17/18,you are now 29,and you worked for a total of 6 weeks in 11/12 years.Is this correct??.

Have you done any kind of courses in this time?.If not you need to start getting something on your CV.There are plenty 8 and 10 week night courses that you can do in PLC Colleges where you would get a cert.

baalad

Rhys Essien wrote: »

OP,you left school at 17/18,you are now 29,and you worked for a total of 6 weeks in 11/12 years.Is this correct??.

Have you done any kind of courses in this time?.If not you need to start getting something on your CV.There are plenty 8 and 10 week night courses that you can do in PLC Colleges where you would get a cert.

I did a course when i left school that was completed within a year! I worked in a call centre briefly for 6/7 weeks and i worked on and off doing a week here an there for a while! I probably did 10 - 20 weeks in total over 3 years and thats done absolutely noting the past 2/3 years! I was called by obair a few months ago and explained how i felt etc They didnt say much , just said i needed to do a course to get the dole off my back! I explained that i felt anxious and didnt know what i even wanted to do and i didnt want to choose a course that lasted 10 weeks when i knew the outcome was gonna be that i go back on the dole when its finished. I wanted something thats gonna lead to something! In the end i agreed to do a course that is aimed at getting people back to work, working on confidence building etc but the course never went ahead due to funding or something and i never heard from them since !

Mrs OBumble

OP, there's an organisation called the National Learning Network. They provide specialist employment support for people who have particular difficulty getting work for various reasons. I suspect they may be the kind of people who you need, because they have specialist knowledge and skills about various challenges people face.

You can find contact details here: www.nln.ie/

berger89

Your head seems to be all over the place!
As someone who suffers from self esteem and confidence issues, I can understand what you are saying. You are probably somewhat introverted? But by telling yourself you're **** at everything is not going to make things better.
Why don't you start and keep going with the positives!

As a previous poster pointed out, you do write well! Creative writing courses, journalism perhaps?

Or what do you do to help you step out of your world that makes you so uncomfortable? For me, its photography. I take my camera out, get into nature, and snap all around me.

Or as cheesy as it sounds, read some inspirational quotes! You need to understand that you are not an incapable and worthless piece of sh!t. You need a good kick up the arse, don't be so hard on yourself. But try and focus on the good stuff Get yourself out there. Maybe get involved in some volunteering. It is a fantastic confidence builder, plus you get to meet new people. www.vsi.ie are a great organisation. Please check them out!

**Stay positive. Believe in yourself. We are all here for something!!!!**

MouseTail

I also think NLN would be a great first step for you. They run Employability Skills courses which include updating essential skills such as IT as well as jobseeking and confidence building.

JuliusCaesar

I'd second NLN. In order to build up confidence, you need to do things.

You won't 'feel ready' ever, if you wait to feel confident. I think most of us never really feel ready to do whatever is scary to us, we just take a deep breath and jump in, trusting and hoping that we'll be able to manage.

We learn through challenging ourselves - that's how we learn about ourselves, who we are, what abilities we have, what aspects of ourselves we need to work on.

Check out some books on CBT or ACT like "Get Out of Your Mind & In to Your Life", "The Happiness Trap", or David Burns "Feeling Good". Also this might be useful. Hope this helps.

monkeysnapper

This is my personal opinion

1st you write very well , and your very honest about where you are, that's great !!

I live near by a call centre and know loads of people that have worked there, PLUS my sister worked in one for a year , and believe me nobody has anything good to say about them, you can get loads of negativity working in one, you deal with lots of people all day who continually try to break you down, from the call side and from the employer side. Really really really don't beat your self up on this.
would you work in retail ? Maybe the job being straight forward , and you'd meet people . I'm fairly sure you would at least get part time in a large retail giant . You could build up your confidence at least .

fin12

Xenji wrote: »

Just something I have noticed over the years is that a lot of my friends who worked in the likes of pubs, restaurants and the like from an early age or while they were studying have done a lot better in the workplace after graduating.

I am not saying this is the norm, but being more of a people person who is not shy and is polite and can understand others and a situation quickly and can easily communicate with and is not intimidated by strangers really stands to people, and having all these qualities is in no way easy, but even working on one of them could help you.

Well I am the opposite to that.

I got my first job working in a hotel kitchen during the summer months of 5th year and then after my leaving worked in a hotel doing accommodation for a few month.

Then a month after finishing that Job I got a job working in Supervalu which I worked in for 6 and half years during college.

Even after all that I now have severe social anxiety around work and Jobs, I was unemployed for a year and a bit after leaving the supermarket.

I found it quite hard to apply for jobs after reading Job criteria, where the employer writes whats involved in the role and responsibilities, someone triggers inside in my brain that i cant cope with certain areas of the job, like answering the telephone and taking customers queries, thats a nightmare for me.

So anyway i eventually then got my last job as a TCO last summer after a year and a bit unemployed and was so glad to get it and initially it went well. But certain aspects of it i was fearful of it and would get so anxious if i had to do, like answering the phone calls: Not only is it about being able to answer and solve the customers queries well but also the fact that everybody sitting around can hear you while you are dealing with this call.

And the part was the worst was where we were supposed to go to the counter and deal with customer queries face to face for like 2 to 3 hours. I just couldn't do it, because i knew that the customer could ask me basically anything and at that time i had very little knowledge. I think it became apparent to other team members, cause i think they could sense the fear or the unwillingness from me to do the counter and also a lot of the other people that started with me, were doing the counter by themselves which made me feel even worse and this did make me look good,

I think because i Just got a contract for 3 months they let it go but I think if i had worked there longer it would probably become a really big issue and people would probably assume that I am just Lazy but Id be literally in turmoil.

Anyway since that job which was 6 months ago haven't worked and still finding it extremely difficult.

I've started to do counselling but I dont think its going to help me so I think il have to try CBT.

Ive applied again this year for TCO job but put down a different county cause I was so scared that if i was successful i would be placed in the same department.

I really do hope that i get offered a job from this cause they fact that they are tempoary puts my mind at ease but I cant keep going on like this.

Its a horrible feeling. Even though i worked from a young age there was always something not right, like there was always an anxiety and i even remember when i was working in Supervalu and seeing a lot of people leave after they had finished college and go on to other roles and careers, i always felt like that was something i couldnt manage and even was saying to myself you will never get another job, the older im getting, u just cant hide from it anymore.

Xenji

fin12 wrote: »

Well I am the opposite to that, I got my first job working in a hotel kitchen during the summer months of 5th year and then after my leaving worked in a hotel doing accommodation for a few months and then a month after finishing that Job I got a job working in Supervalu which I worked in for 6 and half years during college and even after all that I now have severe social anxiety around work and Jobs, I was unemployed for a year and a bit after leaving the supermarket and found it quite hard to apply for jobs after reading Job criteria, where the employer writes whats involved in the role and responsibilities, someone triggers inside in my brain that i cant cope with certain areas of the job, like answering the telephone and taking customers queries, thats a nightmare for me. So anyway i eventually then got my last job as a TCO last summer after a year and a bit unemployed and was so glad to get it and initially it went well, but certain aspects of it i was fearful of it and would get so anxious if i had to do, like answering the phone calls, not only is it about being able to answer and solve the customers queries well but also the fact that everybody sitting around can hear you while you are dealing with this call and the part was the worst was where we were supposed to go to the counter and deal with customer queries face to face for like 2 to 3 hours, I just couldn't do it, because i knew that the customer could ask me basically anything and at that time i had very little knowledge and i think it became apparent to other team members cause i think they could sense the fear or the unwillingness from me to do the counter and also a lot of the other people that started with me, were doing the counter by themselves which made me feel even worse and this did make me look good, I think because i Just got a contract for 3 months they let it go but I think if i had worked there longer it would probably become a really big issue and people would probably assume that I am just Lazy but Id be literally in turmoil. Anyway since that job which was 6 months ago haven't worked and still finding it extremely difficult. I've started to do counselling but I dont think its going to help me so I think il have to try CBT. Ive applied again this year for TCO job but put down a different county cause I was so scared that if i was successful i would be placed in the same department. I really do hope that i get offered a job from this cause they fact that they are tempoary puts my mind at ease but I cant keep going on like this. Its a horrible feeling. Even though i worked from a young age there was always something not right, like there was always an anxiety and i even remember when i was working in Supervalu and seeing a lot of people leave after they had finished college and go on to other roles and careers, i always felt like that was something i couldnt manage and even was saying to myself you will never get another job, the older im getting, u just cant hide from it anymore.

My eyes, if you can edit that block of text I will read your reply.

fin12

sorry i totally forgot about that when writing, Ive tried to edit it and pressing the edit button but it wont let me

Mrs OBumble

fin12 wrote: »

sorry i totally forgot about that when writing, Ive tried to edit it and pressing the edit button but it wont let me

<MOD-NOTE>Hi - i've added a few line breaks for you, taken out a few "ands" and put in a few full stops and capital letters. Hope this is ok, but it really was just too hard to read before.</MOD-NOTE>



Good luck with your counselling/CBT: because you have worked before (and you must have been good if the supermarket kept you for that long) , I'd guess that you're a good candidate for it to be successful.

fin12

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

<MOD-NOTE>Hi - i've added a few line breaks for you, taken out a few "ands" and put in a few full stops and capital letters. Hope this is ok, but it really was just too hard to read before.</MOD-NOTE>



Good luck with your counselling/CBT: because you have worked before (and you must have been good if the supermarket kept you for that long) , I'd guess that you're a good candidate for it to be successful.

Thanks for editing, ya hopefully.

Xenji

fin12 wrote: »

Thanks for editing, ya hopefully.

Hope you get it, you have worked very hard it seems to get where you are now.

Caanar

Hi,

I don't know where you are now with this issue but here's what I feel is going on:

Every single human being usually has two scripts running in their heads related to everything they attempt to do in their lives. That’s because all of our lives we have been bombarded with positive and negative reinforcements whether that’s from ourselves or outside of ourselves from possibly teachers, or parents, or other kids while growing up.

So these scripts go back and forth in our minds. They take turns popping up in our minds. like,
At times causing us to think, “I’m smart,” and other times thinking, “I’m not smart enough.”
At times thinking, “Yes, I can do this,” and other times thinking, “I don’t know if I can do this.”
At times thinking, “I know I’m special,” and other times thinking, “I’m not good enough.”
At times thinking, “I am really awesome,” and other times thinking, “Who do you think you are?”
At times thinking, “Yes, I know I can make this happen,” and other times feeling like, “I don’t know if I can have such great achievements.”

So, this is what we are up against all the time.

The thing is that this kinda operates in the background so we aren’t always conscious or aware of it. It shows up in us procrastinating, or just not finding time to do the things we want to get done, or finding a gazillion other things more important to focus on.

I have seen this happen with myself, and I’ve seen this happen with past clients over and over again.
The only time we can actually succeed with anything we do is if we address any blocks that pop up. But before we can address any blocks, we have to know what they are; we have to bring them to the surface.

I am new to this forum and I'm not sure how to do this, but I have an exercise (absolutely free of course) that you can try to see how much it can help you to change the script running in the background and foreground of your mind. Once you remove the blocks, a lot of the great suggestions others have made in this thread will be that much more effective.

Let me know if you are interested and I'll figure out how to get it to you.

All the best to you!

Caanar