helping my child with his grief

Call me Al

My father in law died almost three weeks ago. My husband and I are handling our grief pretty well all considering.
My concern is my little 6 year old. In the run up to his grandfathers death he was ok and seemed to reason it all in his head by saying that it was ok because his grandad was going to heaven and would be with God. Now however he just can't talk about his grandfather without crying, and seems to find it all just too sad. After the burial he was saying that we could forget about him now since he had gone to heaven, I think as his way to divert his grief. We explained that it actually was alright to talk and think about his grandad and remember the good times he had with him, that his dad and I think about him everyday, but that if he didn't want to think about him that was ok. I haven't been talking about him everyday because I can see he's hurting so much when he thinks about things.

Tonight, as I was doing bedtime prayers, he rushed to say we had forgotten to say our prayer to ask God to mind his grandad, and then suddenly he just started crying and looked so so sad.

I don't know what to do to help him. Does anyone know what I should do? Am I making a complete disaster of things?
CMA

rubberdungeon

Rainbows is a national children’s voluntary service with an average of 6,000 children and young people coming into the service every year throughout Ireland.

Rainbows supports children and young people in groups. There are groups for children and young people who have been affected by the death of a close family member and there are groups for children and young people whose family has changed because their parents have separated or divorced.

http://www.rainbowsireland.ie/

Call me Al

Thank you for that rubberdungeon, I called them and they've his name down.

They are in the middle of a programme but she says they would usually only recommend the programme a year after the death.

I'm hoping that with time and patience we'll help him deal with his emotions. I just don't know if what I'm doing in the meantime is right though.

banie01

Hey OP, Condolences on your family's loss.
When I read your post, I couldn't not comment.
I originally wrote this post a few years ago and despite changes in time and circumstance i find it still rings true.
My own son lost his Mam when he was 3 and in my own experience consistency is the absolute key in how to cope.
And indeed in the last few months, we lost the other significant woman in his life(My Mam, His Nana) and I find myself still sticking to the below.

Kids are resilient, and they cope a lot better than us adults at times and more often than not when they do get most upset, it is when we are at our own low ebb.
They are like little emotional mirrors and sometimes at our lowest it is those feelings that they shine back at us.

But the key to ensuring they cope...
Is openess, honesty and consistency.
Be as open and honest as possible with your kids when discussing the loss, explain it as best you can and in terms they will understand.
Be there for your child when they want to talk, and encourage them to talk about it.
Use the loss as a chance to teach your child how to deal with loss and grief in a healthy way, yes the loss is terrible and it causes pain.
But the pain comes from missing someone you shared memories and love with, so focus on those happy memories at the times the grief does strike hard and be sure to share those stories.
Be sure that while you make allowances for their grief, and indeed in how your own grief can cloud your reactions to their behaviour...
That you always try and be consistent in how you react.

Kid's need boundaries and truth be told we all know from our own childhoods that when an opportunity to exploit a boundary presents itself...
We will try to exploit it, not because we are bad....
but because we were kids and if we found a way to get a late night, an extra chocolate bar our a get out of jail free card of course we'd have taken it.

PS: +1 on Rubberduckies recommendation regarding rainbows!
There is also a group offering a similar service called "The Grief Project" who do sterling work with bereaved kids too.

rakz105

Sorry for your loss.
I had the same difficulty explaining to my small kids why their uncle then their grandma had to die. The one idea that became clear to their understanding is my telling them that those who die are done with their assignment on earth. Until now when a relative dies, they always find comfort in the same thought.
Praying for comfort to you and your loved ones.
Hugs,
Rakz

Call me Al

Thank you for that.