Requesting guest specific gift.

Tarzana2

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »

We now have enough candlesticks in our house to rival any church, and enough picture frames to open an art gallery.

So? Like really, so what?

Pictures frames eventually get used, the more photos, paintings and other frameables you collect. You might not appreciate them now, but you may well end up appreciating them. As for candlesticks, I can't imagine they take up much room.

You mostly got cash, so what's the problem?

Tarzana2

DrPhilG wrote: »

Like it or not, it's pretty much the done thing.

I've never received a wedding invitation that mentioned gifts, nor have my parents and sister. That includes poems and whatnot.

username000

Tarzana2 wrote: »

Pictures frames eventually get used, the more photos, paintings and other frameables you collect. You might not appreciate them now, but you may well end up appreciating them. As for candlesticks, I can't imagine they take up much room.

Generally speaking Id never impose my own taste in frames on someone else. Ive very specific taste in frames. And candlesticks for that matter! I tend to pass on unwanted gifts to charity shops or just to friends who might like them. But its a shame if its a wedding gift because the person wanted you to have it.

ballsymchugh

Tarzana2 wrote: »

So? Like really, so what?

Pictures frames eventually get used, the more photos, paintings and other frameables you collect. You might not appreciate them now, but you may well end up appreciating them. As for candlesticks, I can't imagine they take up much room.

You mostly got cash, so what's the problem?

these kind of things will get used, more than likely as wedding gifts.

there's probably only been 5 sets of candlesticks sold in ireland in the past 25 years as wedding presents, but they just keep getting rewrapped and regifted!

Malari

ballsymchugh wrote: »

these kind of things will get used, more than likely as wedding gifts.

there's probably only been 5 sets of candlesticks sold in ireland in the past 25 years as wedding presents, but they just keep getting rewrapped and regifted!

Yeah, the kinds of frames people pick are very personal! They won't necessarily be used if they are not your taste, unless you regift them.

Same with candlesticks. For someone who never uses candles that's pretty pointless, so you do have to know people very well before you buy them something like that and expect them to use it.

At least 50 wine glasses may eventually be used with breakages :pac:

Arbiter of Good Taste

Tarzana2 wrote: »

So? Like really, so what?

Pictures frames eventually get used, the more photos, paintings and other frameables you collect. You might not appreciate them now, but you may well end up appreciating them. As for candlesticks, I can't imagine they take up much room.

You mostly got cash, so what's the problem?

I'd appreciate if you would tone it down please. You don't agree with me and that's fine. No need to be so defensive.

Your comment about receiving mostly cash is, frankly, unacceptable.

I never said I didn't appreciate the gifts. The point I was making was people think they are being unique and personal by giving the same gift as a lot of other people. People have their own tastes. Why impose them on someone else?You would be surprised how much space these things take up and how much time they take to dust.
Another poster said she's had to put a lot of these in the attic. How are they being appreciated?

Tarzana2

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »

I'd appreciate if you would tone it down please.

No thanks.

clint_silver

So to get thread back on topic.....

Some B&Gs dont want presents "presence not presents" (they kind of know theyll get presents anyway)
Some B&Gs accept there will be presents but dont care what they get
Some B&Gs accept there will be presents but do care what they get as they dont want presents gathering dust or are unsuable which depending on who you talk to is either seen as A) practical or 2) greedy. nothing will change the people who see either way.

Some guests like to see a gift registry on an invite, some dont.
Some guests dont care what they get the B&G, most do.
Some guests care and will ask discreetly what B&G want, others wont as they either dont care or they know the B&G so well they know what they need/like.

Practically Noone likes to see "cash is a preferred gift" on an invite.

Noone EVER likes to see a "specific gift from a specific guest" on an invite.

any more news on the last one?

lazygal

DrPhilG wrote: »

We were given direct instructions by a family member about what to get them for a wedding present. Not too expensive, think it was about €160.

Imagine my amusement when our turn came around and they gave us diddly squat...

Exactly the same happened to us, except the 'suggested gift' was a lot more than €160. It wouldn't bother me as much if the person concerned didn't keep saying how awful they are for not getting us anything and asking us what we want, even now, three and a half years on. Stop the pretence, we know we won't be getting anything.

DrPhilG

lazygal wrote: »

Exactly the same happened to us, except the 'suggested gift' was a lot more than €160. It wouldn't bother me as much if the person concerned didn't keep saying how awful they are for not getting us anything and asking us what we want, even now, three and a half years on. Stop the pretence, we know we won't be getting anything.

We didn't even get any pretence! In my case they are apparently quite comfortable with the fact that they gave us sod all and don't think anything of it.

Please note, I'm not being a greedy bugger, other people came to our wedding and gave no gift - I don't care. But for close family to do it, especially after being so demanding over their own gift is a bit rude.

lazygal

DrPhilG wrote: »

We didn't even get any pretence! In my case they are apparently quite comfortable with the fact that they gave us sod all and don't think anything of it.

Please note, I'm not being a greedy bugger, other people came to our wedding and gave no gift - I don't care. But for close family to do it, especially after being so demanding over their own gift is a bit rude.

That's pretty how I feel too. If the person in question hadn't specifically said what they wanted and made sure it was bought, we'd have no problem. But they were all about making sure the correct thing was obtained.

pooch90

Neyite wrote: »

For the love of god, nobody link this to FB or twitter, otherwise we'll have another thread that has to get deleted before the big shakedown showdown!!!

I've seen it linked on another forum already! Is it only on FB/Twitter that it would be shut down?

Meangadh

Look, we're never all going to agree on the registry thing- because it's impossible for people to agree on anything when it comes to weddings because they are so personal. My final word on it is that I have been to around 35/40 weddings in the last 10 years and only once was there mention of a gift on the invite- so I'm pretty sure that the majority of people (or at the very least those who I'm friends of or related to) don't think it's appropriate either. That one time I did see it, we were asked to contribute to their honeymoon fund by basically buying vouchers for a travel company.

I did as they requested, but I just found it a bit off-putting that the couple would ask you to fund their holiday. As I would with any request for any type of gift unless I went and asked the couple myself. I do genuinely understand people's counter-arguments, but as I said- I'll never ever think it's ok to request a gift. Of any type. It's just not what you do to people who are coming to share an event with you. I know it's cheesy but their presence really should be your presents. Maybe I'm naive and idealistic, but gifts just aren't even part of a wedding for me. So in the words of Forrest Gump... "And that's all I have to say about that".

Now the couple in this thread on the other hand... surely we can all agree that they're completely nutso???!

liz lemoncello

lazygal wrote: »

Exactly the same happened to us, except the 'suggested gift' was a lot more than €160. It wouldn't bother me as much if the person concerned didn't keep saying how awful they are for not getting us anything and asking us what we want, even now, three and a half years on. Stop the pretence, we know we won't be getting anything.

I'd be sorely tempted to reply, "Ah, that's ok. Just give us cash."

(Actually, I wouldn't but, it's the internet, so I can pretend.)

MistyCheese

DrPhilG wrote: »

We were given direct instructions by a family member about what to get them for a wedding present. Not too expensive, think it was about €160.

Imagine my amusement when our turn came around and they gave us diddly squat...

I have no problem believing this. Zero problem. No problem at all. There aren't enough words or phrases in the English lanuguage for me to accurately describing how little a difficulty I have with believing this. Some people have no issue take, take, taking for years then finding a way to wriggle out of reciprocating. 'It's the thought that counts'.

lazygal

liz lemoncello wrote: »

I'd be sorely tempted to reply, "Ah, that's ok. Just give us cash."

(Actually, I wouldn't but, it's the internet, so I can pretend.)

I have been sorely tempted myself. Especially when they try and laugh it off. I know you don't get married to get gifts, but come on.

JayRoc

Uno my Uno. wrote: »

Never had it happen, would never do it either. It would be very awkward for everyone, would anyone accept an invite if their spouse/partner wasn't invited also?

I had to invite several people without inviting their partners. It was a case of what I could afford. Don't think anyone minded, they understood. Especially if I barely knew their other half, or had NEVER met them.

anothernight

I think a wedding registry makes sense in the case of a couple who don't yet live together. That way they can ask for things to furnish their new home, which is what wedding gifts were originally intended for anyway.

Otherwise, gifts just shouldn't be mentioned on the invite. Or things like "single and ready to mingle!"

pooch90

MistyCheese wrote: »

I have no problem believing this. Zero problem. No problem at all. There aren't enough words or phrases in the English lanuguage for me to accurately describing how little a difficulty I have with believing this. Some people have no issue take, take, taking for years then finding a way to wriggle out of reciprocating. 'It's the thought that counts'.

None of OHs family (who were all groomsmen/best man) even gave us a card never mind a gift,despite us giving them multiple gifts as thanks for being part of the day. (They also did nothing to help in the lead up or on the day itself,bar hang a bit of bunting but the best man apparently whinged the whole way through doing that!)

Lau2976

pooch90 wrote: »

I've seen it linked on another forum already! Is it only on FB/Twitter that it would be shut down?

Seriously? That's crazy!

pooch90

This is an extreme case of crazy bride and groom,has to be seen to be believed!!

Scarinae

Uno my Uno. wrote: »

Never had it happen, would never do it either. It would be very awkward for everyone, would anyone accept an invite if their spouse/partner wasn't invited also?

Yes, my boyfriend was invited to a wedding and I wasn't. The bride had been in college with us and had always known us as a couple, and we'd been on holiday together. I'm not sure why I wasn't invited.

polydactyl

Cause she fancied your boyfriend and she was settling for her husband cause you had the one she really wanted

Oh and in terms of swapping presents....I have 5 small cutlery sets from newbridge and 5 complete dinner sets

Tarzana2

That's weird! Sounds like she knew both of you equally.

lazygal

There's only one case I know of where the couple didn't invite partners and it didn't go down well on the day when people realised other guests were invited as couples. I wouldn't only invite one half of a couple to a party or other event, and I definitely wouldn't do it for a wedding. We offered plus ones to those who were single but none brought a date.

Uno my Uno.

I couldn't go to a wedding my partner wasn't invited to, I'd be dreadfully insulted. We're a pair after all!!!

I appreciate there is a difference between long term relationships and new or casual things and I wouldn't expect a +1 if I was single.

athtrasna

Uno my Uno. wrote: »

I couldn't go to a wedding my partner wasn't invited to, I'd be dreadfully insulted. We're a pair after all!!!

I appreciate there is a difference between long term relationships and new or casual things and I wouldn't expect a +1 if I was single.

I thought I'd be the same but was invited solo to a wedding a while ago. It was a friend from a community group I'm involved in and she invited "all the girls " ie our social group that developed as we became friends. No partners were invited as the bride didn't know them well and I must say it was a great day. We were all on one table, all knew each other and there was no awkwardness. I'd say we were 50/50 singles/in relationships but nobody minded.

Gatica

Probably depends on the situation... Like if a group of workmates gets invited, but without OH, I'd assume that's ok.

anothernight wrote: »

Otherwise, gifts just shouldn't be mentioned on the invite. Or things like "single and ready to mingle!"

It's such a funny thing to say, as if couples will be cut off and isolated from the mingling crowds of singletons! :P

pooch90 wrote: »

I've seen it linked on another forum already! Is it only on FB/Twitter that it would be shut down?

Not a wedding forum I hope?! :eek: .... we just need 1 more month and a bit....

LynnGrace

MistyCheese wrote: »

Some people have no issue take, take, taking for years then finding a way to wriggle out of reciprocating. 'It's the thought that counts'.

Yes, they thought about it...and that was just as good as giving it , in their minds.

We have probably all come across the take take take type, at some stage.
There was a great thread going for ages in AH, 'stingy things stingy people do', some classics in it.

Neyite

pooch90 wrote: »

I've seen it linked on another forum already! Is it only on FB/Twitter that it would be shut down?

No, I just said those because the link Bridesmaidgate was shared on FB, and fears that the bride and groom would spot it and the OP would have been in awful trouble - especially since she was a bridesmaid.

So the thread was deleted before the wedding because it was only a matter of time before the couple saw it at the rate it was going. And we missed out on key updates and further mirth because of it. Even now, it would be a brilliant read for people who missed it at the time, but its gone for good, a victim of its own success.

The same could easily happen here - lets face it, if you were the couple, you'd spot instantly that this thread is about your wedding.

Lau2976

Neyite wrote: »

No, I just said those because the link Bridesmaidgate was shared on FB, and fears that the bride and groom would spot it and the OP would have been in awful trouble - especially since she was a bridesmaid.

So the thread was deleted before the wedding because it was only a matter of time before the couple saw it at the rate it was going. And we missed out on key updates and further mirth because of it. Even now, it would be a brilliant read for people who missed it at the time, but its gone for good, a victim of its own success.

The same could easily happen here - lets face it, if you were the couple, you'd spot instantly that this thread is about your wedding.

TBH I'm not bothered if they see it. I'm only posting information that they have available anyway.

Neyite

Lau2976 wrote: »

TBH I'm not bothered if they see it. I'm only posting information that they have available anyway.

I know. But they can complain to boards and the thread will get deleted.

MistyCheese

LynnGrace wrote: »

Yes, they thought about it...and that was just as good as giving it , in their minds.

In our case they thought about how to avoid giving a gift. Not a wedding gift though, a present for their nieces first Christmas.

Frynge

ballsymchugh wrote: »

these kind of things will get used, more than likely as wedding gifts.

there's probably only been 5 sets of candlesticks sold in ireland in the past 25 years as wedding presents, but they just keep getting rewrapped and regifted!

Not quite sure that is true as when I got married in August last we got about 15 picture frames, some of which are the same, but I jokingly said to my ma when she said she was going to get a picture frame for something that I had loads. When she actually asked me for it myself and the wife became hesitant with them being given away. What we did in the end was my ma put pics of our day into some of the gifts we got and used the frames they were in to give away as they were not gifts.


Also I will be going to a wedding next year or the year after and I have the gift already sorted. My friend loaned me the complete box set of stargate SG-1, I think in 2006 and I still haven't returned it to him so they will all be wrapped up in the one box and returned to him.

I plan to put a fiver into each DVD case (about 50 of them) as their actual gift as a surprise. To make sure it works all I have to do is make sure I don't get drunk around him and tell him. Also everyone here keep stump.

kitten_k

Not specifically a wedding but along the same road:

http://www.breakingnews.ie/showbiz/myleenes-klass-war-over-bonkers-gift-email-660955.html

pooch90

Neyite wrote: »

No, I just said those because the link Bridesmaidgate was shared on FB, and fears that the bride and groom would spot it and the OP would have been in awful trouble - especially since she was a bridesmaid.

So the thread was deleted before the wedding because it was only a matter of time before the couple saw it at the rate it was going. And we missed out on key updates and further mirth because of it. Even now, it would be a brilliant read for people who missed it at the time, but its gone for good, a victim of its own success.

The same could easily happen here - lets face it, if you were the couple, you'd spot instantly that this thread is about your wedding.

Ah ok, no it was educationposts forum.

Lau2976

pooch90 wrote: »

Ah ok, no it was educationposts forum.

Wow. I really expected 1 or 2 responses on here and that was it.

Oryx

Frynge wrote: »

Also I will be going to a wedding next year or the year after and I have the gift already sorted. My friend loaned me the complete box set of stargate SG-1, I think in 2006 and I still haven't returned it to him so they will all be wrapped up in the one box and returned to him.

I plan to put a fiver into each DVD case (about 50 of them) as their actual gift as a surprise. To make sure it works all I have to do is make sure I don't get drunk around him and tell him. Also everyone here keep stump.

As with the toasters above, your friend wont check, and will think you are a tight git till the end of time.

Tarzana2

Deleted User wrote: »

Have a read of this!
http://www.independent.ie/style/weddings/irish-couple-invite-strangers-to-bid-on-seats-to-their-vegas-wedding-to-fund-big-day-30928346.html

Still just the one bid. cough *themselves* cough

Quelle surprise. :rolleyes::pac:

Rainbow_Bright

Hopefully I'm not taking this thread in too different a direction but it seems that this attitude has also been affecting children's birthday parties in the UK:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2940717/Myleene-Klass-hits-bonkers-email-school-mothers.html

BrianBoru00

Rainbow_Bright wrote: »

Hopefully I'm not taking this thread in too different a direction but it seems that this attitude has also been affecting children's birthday parties in the UK:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2940717/Myleene-Klass-hits-bonkers-email-school-mothers.html

Am I the only one who doesn't see a huge pile wrong with this?
Instead of 20 children all going to a party and brininging various gifts of about £10 , the suggestion is that 2 very good presents are bought....

This is a private fee paying school so the families can obviously well afford a tenner for each birthday party...

Sligo1

Rainbow_Bright wrote: »

Hopefully I'm not taking this thread in too different a direction but it seems that this attitude has also been affecting children's birthday parties in the UK:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2940717/Myleene-Klass-hits-bonkers-email-school-mothers.html

Bonkers! Absolutely bonkers!

Oryx

BrianBoru00 wrote: »

Am I the only one who doesn't see a huge pile wrong with this?
Instead of 20 children all going to a party and brininging various gifts of about £10 , the suggestion is that 2 very good presents are bought....

This is a private fee paying school so the families can obviously well afford a tenner for each birthday party...

Its pressure to contribute - an expectation that you wouldnt dare not to. Its dictating what you give, and setting a value on it. The next step would be shaming those who dont give, distributing invoices, or refusing a party invitation to non paying children. Turning a birthday where gift giving is optional, into a ticketed event. Its distasteful and money grubbing at best.

beyondbelief67

Neyite wrote: »

No, I just said those because the link Bridesmaidgate was shared on FB, and fears that the bride and groom would spot it and the OP would have been in awful trouble - especially since she was a bridesmaid.

So the thread was deleted before the wedding because it was only a matter of time before the couple saw it at the rate it was going. And we missed out on key updates and further mirth because of it. Even now, it would be a brilliant read for people who missed it at the time, but its gone for good, a victim of its own success.

The same could easily happen here - lets face it, if you were the couple, you'd spot instantly that this thread is about your wedding.

It's not gone just locked.

http://touch.boards.ie/thread/2057262110/1

MistyCheese

BrianBoru00 wrote: »

This is a private fee paying school so the families can obviously well afford a tenner for each birthday party...

Which should prove that it's really not about the money. It just rubs some people up the wrong way when people ask for a gift. Or specify a gift. Even in situations where gifts are traditionally given, such as a wedding or a kids birthday party.

There is a logic to the thinking 'instead of little Angelica getting 10 little £20 things why not one £200 thing.' But, as you point out, it's a private fee-paying school. So can't mum provide the big presents herself? If she feels her little darling should have a Kindle? Just like this couple who felt OP should get them a stand mixer.

kitten_k

beyondbelief67 wrote: »

It's not gone just locked.

http://touch.boards.ie/thread/2057262110/1

That is the update thread, there was a big thread before that about it that was removed.

lazygal

BrianBoru00 wrote: »

Am I the only one who doesn't see a huge pile wrong with this?
Instead of 20 children all going to a party and brininging various gifts of about £10 , the suggestion is that 2 very good presents are bought....

This is a private fee paying school so the families can obviously well afford a tenner for each birthday party...

Sending children the message that they can dictate what gifts they are given is terrible. And leads directly to the attitude that other people owe you because you invited them to celebrate your wedding.

BrianBoru00

lazygal wrote: »

Sending children the message that they can dictate what gifts they are given is terrible. And leads directly to the attitude that other people owe you because you invited them to celebrate your wedding.

If its the done thing in the school among the 20 or so children to bring a gift then I see nothing wrong with it.

Thats a far cry from sending out requests for wedding gifts that cost €200+ where it will already at least that again to attend between drinks, travel, makeup,hair before considering staying over.

lazygal

BrianBoru00 wrote: »

If its the done thing in the school among the 20 or so children to bring a gift then I see nothing wrong with it.

Thats a far cry from sending out requests for wedding gifts that cost €200+ where it will already at least that again to attend between drinks, travel, makeup,hair before considering staying over.

I intend to tell my children that asking people to give you money or anything else simply because you have invited them to celebrate an event of your choosing is rude. I couldn't care less that this is becoming or is 'the done thing.' Children's parties being now seen as an opportunity to tell other people what a child wants or expects is incredibly crass. What ever happened to being a gracious host and not mentioning gifts at all? Why would anyone even think of mentioning what to get a child, unless they were asked?
It is this type of nonsense, where children see their parents being rude about telling other people 'give us money, we don't want crap', that leads to them thinking its perfectly normal to send out the same message for their weddings.

Flippyfloppy

BrianBoru00 wrote: »

If its the done thing in the school among the 20 or so children to bring a gift then I see nothing wrong with it.

Thats a far cry from sending out requests for wedding gifts that cost €200+ where it will already at least that again to attend between drinks, travel, makeup,hair before considering staying over.

For starters the email was worded horribly. It would be different if another mother sent an email saying 'hey how about we all chip in for a gift, I know they want ______' but to say things like '.......give me money' and 'they'd prefer a class gift this year' along with some other choice phrases gave the letter a very greedy and demanding tone.