Son going to be a father

irish gent

Hi All, my Son of just 20 years of age told me he is going to be a father , I'm NUMB He's just finished working over the Christmas it was only seasonal work , his Girlfriend is working . All I could say to him That I'm there for them both. I asked him now to try hard for a job , as he will be a very busy man when the times comes. What way should I handle this ?

Orion

I've moved this to its own thread - it didn't really fit in the Due Jan 2015 thread.

eviltwin

Not much you can do really just be there for them both and be as supportive as you can. Its not ideal but its not the end of the world. I had my first in my late teens and no one was happy about it but it turned out well in the end. That baby is nearly 18 now and me and her dad are married. Do encourage him to be as involved as possible and to get guardianship sorted out as soon as possible after the birth. Congratulations!

irish gent

When you say get guardianship sorted out as soon as possible after the birth what do you mean.

AdFundum

A good friend of mine was in a similar situation about a decade ago. He 'accidentally' got a girl pregnant and was very worked up about it. His parents were not good with the news at the beginning. To be honest, he just jumped right in there and really grabbed the bull by the horns. Of all my friends growing up and including myself, he definitely has the most grounded and mature attitude. I don't think this is disconnected from being a Dad as he was historically a bit of loon.

I can't offer anything other than that but I recently saw a guy reading some book call 'Lad to Dad' or something like that on the train recently. Might be a good place to start. Good luck!

ZiabR

Well for starters OP, I admire how you are viewing it. No point in blowing a fuse, there must be a good relationship between you both if he felt he could just come and tell you. So many people would find it hard to tell their parents about something this big.

I would ask him to bring his girlfriend over to the house so you could sit down with them and ask them what they want to do, what plans they have. Have they told her parents yet, etc?

You are right about the job. He has to learn to provide now for himself and his "family". For a 20 year old, this can be alot to take in.

Be there for them both, talk to them, let them know they can come to you with any questions or concerns they have. Get everything out in the open.

eviltwin

irish gent wrote: »

When you say get guardianship sorted out as soon as possible after the birth what do you mean.

As an unmarried father he has no rights. He can't do anything just yet but when the baby is born and registered - he'll have to go with his gf to do that - then he can apply, she needs to sign a form to say he's the dad and in agreement and then its sorted by the court. I'm not sure of the procedure now but when we did it everything was very straightforward.

irish gent

Thank you so much for the feed back ..

ash23

What's done is done and lecturing or hand wringing won't change the fact that there's a baby on the way. I was 19 when I got pregnant and 20 when she was born. The dad bolted so I was left alone.

My mother was amazing, came to all my appointments and held my hand when my baby was born. She was there when I came home, took the baby so I could sleep, helped when I was walking the floors at night.
She was there for every birthday and event and even managed to see her first steps while I was in the loo.
She came every time I called when I was stuck and the baby was sick and I had to work. Over the years she's taken her to appointments I wasn't able to get time off for and taken her on weekends to give me a break.
But at the same time she hasn't interfered or given advice that wasn't wanted. She hasn't criticised my choices but has been there when I needed sage advice.

I know I sound like my mother has done everything but she really hasn't. I raised my daughter but I had my mothers help. She was very good as being a single parent is no walk in the park.
My child is 12 now and has a wonderful relationship with my parents. She loves spending time with them.


The most hurtful thing that was said to me was by my uncle who said I was a child raising a child. I found that very insensitive as it implied that my age meant I wasn't capable of being a parent.

I'd encourage you to support your son and be there when needed but let him and his girlfriend find their own feet. Their way might not be your way but they are the parents even if they are very young. They will need your support so just let them know you'll be there.
Also, agree with making sure your son applies for guardianship when the child is born as unmarried fathers have no automatic rights to their children. A new baby puts huge strain on even the best of relationships.

LegacyUser

For guardianship, get an agreement drawn up by a solicitot setting down the claim of rights and the agreement from the mother, both must sign this then bring it to the notary in the court and they sign it akso and place a copy in the records. Couple of nominal fees but well worth it, much better then having to take the mother to court and fight her for them at some point

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

December2012

When you're talking to him about guardianship and the future, do couch it in terms as if it's protecting a successful relationship, and not a safeguard against break up.

IE "it's a way to protect your new family, to commit to the child and your girlfriend legally" instead of "if you break up you'll have no rights".

Welcome and help to support your son and your new daughter in law. Maybe get a little present for them to show them that you're happy (I know you're numb - that's understandable, but don't say this to them!)

In general, be as positive and reassuring as possible - but let either of them blow off steam or rant about their present worries.

They are probably petrified of the future - this is where you can be a real positive force and metaphorically hold their hand.

sonners

December2012 wrote: »

When you're talking to him about guardianship and the future, do couch it in terms as if it's protecting a successful relationship, and not a safeguard against break up.

IE "it's a way to protect your new family, to commit to the child and your girlfriend legally" instead of "if you break up you'll have no rights".

Welcome and help to support your son and your new daughter in law. Maybe get a little present for them to show them that you're happy (I know you're numb - that's understandable, but don't say this to them!)

In general, be as positive and reassuring as possible - but let either of them blow off steam or rant about their present worries.

They are probably petrified of the future - this is where you can be a real positive force and metaphorically hold their hand.

I agree with everything December2012 has said but especially this part. Another thing to remember regarding guardianship is that without it your son cannot give authorisation for any medical procedures his child may require while in his care.

If mammy decides to go away for a few hours and baby swallows something or bangs his head and has to be brought to the doctor or emergency room the mother will have to be contacted before any treatment takes place. This may not always be possible and will add to your sons stress in such a situation (new daddies often feel helpless and lost and crap like this doesn't help).

Its just another scenario that you can present to them in the list of reasons why he should have guardianship without going near the 'what if you break-up' scenario.

Toots

+1 to the above. This exact scenario happened with a cousin of mine. They never bothered doing guardianship because they got engaged not long after the baby was born and didn't think they needed to bother because they were getting married. One day my cousin was minding the kid and he fell and banged his head on the hearth. My cousin freaked out and headed straight to the hospital. Luckily it wasn't serious, but it was a nightmare for my cousin standing in the hospital not being able to do anything while he waited for his girlfriend to rush in from work. They started the ball rolling to get formal guardianship sorted the following day.

Mec-a-nic

irish gent wrote: »

Hi All, my Son of just 20 years of age told me he is going to be a father , I'm NUMB

Congrats on impending grandfatherhood. Offer all your support, but do work out how much time/money you can spare in this new endeavor. Many mature, married couples have to rely on their parents for practical help, especially if both are working.
Reducing the impending stress will help, guardianship was already covered, so the next is money: the new baby doesn't need every brand new thing - most new parents with 2+ children already know this and our current baby boom makes it very easy and cheaper to pick up good 'pre-loved' cots, buggies, etc.

Finally, being a young 20 means your son should be able to recover from the sleepless nights more quickly!