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Future for my wife and I
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19-01-2015 12:44pm#1My wife and I are married 8 years and have a beautiful 6 year old daughter.
Our daughter has eczema which flares up occasionally and causes my wife, who is a great mother who works full time to become exhausted.
Having said that for large parts of the year there are no problems.
6 years ago when she was born I was under a lot of pressure at work, with unreasonable demands and an overbearing manager. I had to work some evenings until 9 just to keep my head above water. Twice I decided I had had enough and told a friend I was leaving but I reconsidered because of my new family eventhough I knew I could get another job quite easily. The recession was in full swing though and my mindset was "batten down the hatches and get through the other side".
To do this for my family I had to ensure I got a full night's sleep, at least initially, particularly that I have mild epilepsy.
Now 6 years on, things are great financially, we love our daughter and she's getting stronger. But my wife and I have had no sex in 4 years, never go out, are over 40 and she thinks it's strange that I bring up the possibility of another child.
I have been patient with this and will go into this more in future posts.0
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She is right about the kid trying for one after 39 is too risky and you are the plus side of 40, you had your chance and let it slip by, love the one you have already.
On the sex bring it up if she doesn't want to reciprocate not much you can do, go get some on the side you have needs, never tell her and it does not mean you love her less0 -
What was your sex life before the child came along?
It sounds like an awful lot of things came together and put stress on your wife around the time your daughter was born. The eczema, trying to work full time and be a mum, financial worries, you being unhappy in that job. I wonder is her refusing to have sex to do with a fear of pregnancy? It may be her subconscious way of stopping herself from having another child. If your wife's in or around the same age as you, I don't blame her for not wanting to risk having another child. No matter what, having a child in your late thirties onwards is a risky thing to do. That is, if she manages to get pregnant at all. She obviously feels her family's complete and may think she has enough on her plate as it is.
All I can suggest is for you to stop pestering her regarding having another child and sort your other issues. If you and her can't sit down and have a conversation about what's going on, would you consider marriage counselling?0 -
She is right about the kid trying for one after 39 is too risky and you are the plus side of 40, you had your chance and let it slip by, love the one you have already.
On the sex bring it up if she doesn't want to reciprocate not much you can do, go get some on the side you have needs, never tell her and it does not mean you love her less
She never said it was too risky. She is nearly 41. Why is there no chance?
I'm always home from work on time and spend time with our daughters lot.
Don't think it's really an option to start going out looking for extra-marital sex0 -
Maybe she didn't say it was too risky but you'd be a fool to think the thoughts haven't crossed her mind.
From http://www.babycentre.co.uk/a1013991/getting-pregnant-in-your-40sIf you do conceive, you are more likely to need extra care during your pregnancy. So most of the cons below are to do with health rather than lifestyle.
If you do develop health problems, your doctor will classify your pregnancy as high risk. This may sound alarming. But what it means is you'll get the care you need to ensure you and your unborn baby stay as well as possible.
You're twice as likely as a younger woman to experience:
gestational diabetes
pre-eclampsia
high blood pressure
placenta praevia (low-lying placenta)
placental abruption, where the placenta comes away from the uterus (womb) wall
The birth experience for women over 40 may be harder too. You're more likely to have:
a caesarean section
your baby presenting in an awkward position at birth
your baby being born with a low birth weight
your baby being born too soon
The odds of chromosomal problems also jump as you get older. About one in 200 babies born to women aged 40 or over have Down's syndrome. This compares with one in 700 babies born with mums aged 35 to 39, and one in 1,500 babies born to mums aged 20 to 24.
All women are offered screening tests in pregnancy for genetic conditions, such as Down's syndrome. Your age will be factored in to the result to give you a risk of your baby having a problem. So you may find that diagnostic tests, such as amniocentesis or chorionic villus sampling are suggested, to check for chromosomal problems.
Sadly, the increased change of chromosomal problems also increases the likelihood of miscarriage. Half of all pregnant women aged 42 experience miscarriage. This disheartening figure rises to three quarters for women aged 45 years or more.0 -
Also, seeing as she's not having sex with you, maybe she's not happy in the marriage? She might not want to bring another child into a situation she's not happy with.0
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She is right about the kid trying for one after 39 is too risky and you are the plus side of 40, you had your chance and let it slip by, love the one you have already.
On the sex bring it up if she doesn't want to reciprocate not much you can do, go get some on the side you have needs, never tell her and it does not mean you love her less
She never said it was too risky. She is nearly 41. Why is there no chance?
I'm always home from work on time and spend time with our daughters lot.
Don't think it's really an option to start going out looking for extra-marital sex.0 -
Borinis_Socks wrote: »She never said it was too risky. She is nearly 41. Why is there no chance?
I'm always home from work on time and spend time with our daughters lot.
Don't think it's really an option to start going out looking for extra-marital sex
After 40 the risk of miscarriage and a unhealthy baby are just to high, you had 6 year to have another kid and did not adval of the chance.
if she doesn't want sex then your options are be celibate or elsewhere, hooker if you have no time or just a mistress if you do have time
If you want something new to love get a dog or cat for your daughter they cam be like family and will help teach your daughter responsibility0 -
What aspects of your relationship have you and your wife discusssed? Never mind not having a child, what about sex and intimacy? What are her thoughts there?0
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Do not get a mistress or go and visit a prostitute! Omg totally disregard that 'advice'! You need to speak to your wife gently and calmly about your sex life. And please, having a baby after 40 is fraught with dangers, please heed all medical advice above. Your daughter is in school now and I'm sure your wife is enjoying the extra freedom that comes with it, who in their right mind would want to go back to nappies, night feeds and a possible horrendous pregnancy? She is probably avoiding sex because she thinks you want to impregnate her and seeing as she carried the can with your daughter before obviously doesn't want that to happen again. You have a beautiful daughter, be happy with your blessings and please speak to your wife....go out for a nice meal and a few drinks or whatever you did when dating and try and rekindle the spark..Good luck !0
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Do not get a mistress or go and visit a prostitute! Omg totally disregard that 'advice'! You need to speak to your wife gently and calmly about your sex life. And please, having a baby after 40 is fraught with dangers, please heed all medical advice above. Your daughter is in school now and I'm sure your wife is enjoying the extra freedom that comes with it, who in their right mind would want to go back to nappies, night feeds and a possible horrendous pregnancy? She is probably avoiding sex because she thinks you want to impregnate her and seeing as she carried the can with your daughter before obviously doesn't want that to happen again. You have a beautiful daughter, be happy with your blessings and please speak to your wife....go out for a nice meal and a few drinks or whatever you did when dating and try and rekindle the spark..Good luck !
Look I am saying try to work it out first but if she doesn't want to have sex you cannot force her, he has needs so a hooker is a good option as he still loves the wife and the hooker is just for sex so there is no chance he will fall in love with her and leave the wife.
Hooker on the side can strengthen the relationship as it cover his sexual needs and stop him pressuring the wife for something she does not want to do, it will help him not resent the wife and continue to love her.
Mistress is a bit more risky as there is a chance for him to fall in love and leave his wife and kid, hookers can actually help a marriage if the wife has gone off sex.0 -
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Borinis_Socks wrote: »will go into this more in future posts.
Why keep details back if they are going to relate to the advice people give. What exactly are you asking OP? Do you think you should leave your wife because you've had a rough patch? You both work and admit it's been a difficult few years with money, daughters illness causing stress. Why do you mention getting a full nights sleep - was your wife stopping you doing this or was this effecting your relationship with her somehow?
You say you've been patient but have you actually spoken to your wife about the issue? Have you made an attempt to work on your sex life? Did you just bring up having another kid out of the blue rather then talking about your like of sex life?0 -
OMG I've heard it all now... Prostitutes can help a marriage??? What planet are you on??? There is obviously a marriage in turmoil here with intimacy issues and other things stemming from the past... This couple have no social life, don't go out so are obviously stuck in a rut. The marriage needs to be discussed with the OP and his wife honestly and openly and counselling will help them if that what they decide. They are both still very young with a young daughter so need to work on communication together. If both parties them cannot find common ground after this then yes the marriage is damaged beyond repair. Marriage is tough, the wedding is only the start not the end!0
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OMG I've heard it all now... Prostitutes can help a marriage??? What planet are you on??? There is obviously a marriage in turmoil here with intimacy issues and other things stemming from the past... This couple have no social life, don't go out so are obviously stuck in a rut. The marriage needs to be discussed with the OP and his wife honestly and openly and counselling will help them if that what they decide. They are both still very young with a young daughter so need to work on communication together. If both parties them cannot find common ground after this then yes the marriage is damaged beyond repair. Marriage is tough, the wedding is only the start not the end!
The marriage is just not about sex, when a marraige is failing due to just no sex, going elsewhere for the sex is a good idea as it will keep the marriage and family together if there is no issues with that part of the relationship . Or do you think if a woman doesn't want sex it's better to break the family.
Men can have sexual needs that need to be filled, if the wife doesn't want to the man getting it eslewhere from someone he will never love to keep the marraige and family together is a good option especially for the kids.0 -
Did you not read the OPs original post? The marriage is in a serious rut they have no sociall life his wife doesn't want another child yet is under pressure to have one so the lack of intimacy is obviously a SYMPTON of this .... The op needs to TALK to his wife to resolve things... Your posts smack of ignorance and misogyny....there are TWO people in a marriage and chaining that women will break a marriage due to lack of sex is just pure wrong... I've said it before and will say it again...what happens in the bedroom reflects what's happening outside it ...0
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I'm not sure what the relevance of the 'I have to get a full night's sleep' comment is. Are you saying that you weren't on hand to help with night feeds/baby comforting when your daughter was born? And now your wife is working full time and you say the excezma flare ups really wear her out, which sounds like she's the only one dealing with the issue. And you are wondering now why she mightn't want another child? No offence, but it doesn't sound like rocket science to me. She doesn't want to raise another one singlehandedly again!
I am actually not sure how the two of you are still together reading this. You have't had sex in 4 years and clearly have no notion what the other is thinking/feeling. Age aside, it doesn't sound like a great relationship to bring a new baby into. And what if there was something wrong with the new child (to tie in with the rest of the doom-mongering on this thread), do you really think you'd be able to overcome it?
If you two are doing that well financially, maybe your wife could drop down to a 4 day week. She sounds like she needs a break. And then you might find she has enough energy and interest in sex again.
But I really think you two should see a marriage counsellor, and not a gynacologist.0 -
If I were the OP I would be worried that my wife is cheating on me. 4 years without sex isn't a proper functioning marriage. Maybe try and keep and eye out for possible signs?0
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Did you not read the OPs original post? The marriage is in a serious rut they have no sociall life his wife doesn't want another child yet is under pressure to have one so the lack of intimacy is obviously a SYMPTON of this .... The op needs to TALK to his wife to resolve things... Your posts smack of ignorance and misogyny....there are TWO people in a marriage and chaining that women will break a marriage due to lack of sex is just pure wrong... I've said it before and will say it again...what happens in the bedroom reflects what's happening outside it ...
I am female so unless it's "internal misogyny" you are off the mark there. But I am very open sexually and am not sex negative
The man will break the marraige not the woman cause he is not getting sex cause it leads to resentment and his needs not being fulfilled. Some women's sex drive just plumits as we age and him fulfilling his sexual need is not an issue as long as it doesn't become emotional. If he stays a loving father and husband him getting his needs fill elsewhere for something the wife doesn't want to do anymore is a good thing as it will keep the marriage together.0 -
The marriage is just not about sex, when a marraige is failing due to just no sex, going elsewhere for the sex is a good idea as it will keep the marriage and family together if there is no issues with that part of the relationship . Or do you think if a woman doesn't want sex it's better to break the family.
Men can have sexual needs that need to be filled, if the wife doesn't want to the man getting it eslewhere from someone he will never love to keep the marraige and family together is a good option especially for the kids.
I'm not sure if you're trolling or actually serious.
Advising someone to cheat is ridiculous advice.
If he and his wife have problems, work them out - counselling, date nights, holidays, whatever it takes. And if they can't work them out, then break up amicably. It's that simple.
Involving a prostitute or mistress or fcukbuddy or whatever you want to call it? Sexual health risks, wife's trust destroyed, kids would never look at him the same way again, potential messy divorce with further financial and emotional woes.
Have a long read through this forum and try and count up how many threads have OP's saying how great it was for their marriage when their partner cheated on them. That's right - there's none.0 -
ManOfMystery wrote: »I'm not sure if you're trolling or actually serious.
Advising someone to cheat is ridiculous advice.
If he and his wife have problems, work them out - counselling, date nights, holidays, whatever it takes. And if they can't work them out, then break up amicably. It's that simple.
Involving a prostitute or mistress or fcukbuddy or whatever you want to call it? Sexual health risks, wife's trust destroyed, kids would never look at him the same way again, potential messy divorce with further financial and emotional woes.
Have a long read through this forum and try and count up how many threads have OP's saying how great it was that their partner cheated on them. That's right - there's none.
He has sex on the side marriage stays together wife never finds out, kids have a mother and father. No more pestering for sex unless she wants it.
He doesn't they break up, he looses have his stuff if not more, kids now going through a rough divorce might not get to see kids again.0 -
can't log in wrote: »Why do you mention getting a full nights sleep?
I took it to mean that he let his wife do all the night feeds/getting up if the child woke during the night etc while the child was small. In which case, I don't blame her one bit for not wanting another one.
OP, you need to talk to your wife, and pronto. The no sex thing is a massive red flag that has been waving in your face for the past four years and you've done nothing about it.
And for God's sake, help her out a bit more with your daughter and around the house. She works full time but it still sounds like you're letting her carry the can almost completely in this regard.0 -
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I think it is unfair to say the poster is trolling. I can sort of see the logic but I too do not think it would the right road to go down. Depends on the individual and even the wife. Perhaps if they sit down and talk about it, she might be content enough to let him.
who knows?
Just because we don't agree with other peoples advice, doesn't mean its trolling0 -
He has sex on the side marriage stays together wife never finds out, kids have a mother and father. No more pestering for sex unless she wants it.
He doesn't they break up, he looses have his stuff if not more, kids now going through a rough divorce might not get to see kids again.
You're making two massive assumptions here, both of which I've highlighted. If either one is incorrect then a marriage is potentially ruined for nothing. Lies have a habit of being found out.0 -
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May I remind you all that recommending the OP avail of a prostitute is against the charter.0 -
Borinis_Socks wrote: »My wife and I are married 8 years and have a beautiful 6 year old daughter.
Now, things are great financially, we love our daughter and she's getting stronger. But my wife and I have had no sex in 4 years, never go out, are over 40 and she thinks it's strange that I bring up the possibility of another child.
I have been patient with this and will go into this more in future posts.
Nowhere does it say he is pestering his wife to have a baby, I don't what other posters are reading.
OP, nobody can advise without more information.
You say you've not had sex in 4 years, is this a problem or are you both comfortable with that?
Likewise, you never go out, is there a reason for this or do you both prefer to stay at home.
It's great to be financially comfortable, but you've got to be happy too.
No social or sex life together for a young couple?
Doesn't sound like a healthy marriage to me,sounds more like 2 people, cohabiting, rearing their child together.
Are you actually happy together? Is there any intimacy?Suggesting another child surely makes it all rather clinical, no?0 -
What aspects of your relationship have you and your wife discusssed? Never mind not having a child, what about sex and intimacy? What are her thoughts there?
Have tried numerous time to broach the subject of sex and intimacy. My wife made me feel very small when I brought it up. On holidays in 2012. I brought condoms in the suitcase thinking that with time away it might be the perfect opportunity.
When I went to the room she had hid them and was almost sneering at me in front of the child.
I stormed out of the hotel room. I couldn't believe it. It's just something that sticks in my mind and I don't see it as a phase because nothing has changed.
It's hard for me to expose my feelings on here but I might as well be honest. It's not necessarily about another child.
It's about feeling loved and appreciated. I really feel so alone.0 -
I'm sorry to hear you feel so alone. Time for you to lay your cards on the table, you will have to just talk to her frankly and tell her what you are feeling, no ifs or buts. How were things before 4 years ago?0
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Borinis_Socks wrote: »Have tried numerous time to broach the subject of sex and intimacy. My wife made me feel very small when I brought it up. On holidays in 2012. I brought condoms in the suitcase thinking that with time away it might be the perfect opportunity.
When I went to the room she had hid them and was almost sneering at me in front of the child.
Oh that's nasty. How was your sex life before this? I wonder is she of the "Lie back and think of England" brigade? Now that you've given her a child you're of no further use to her? If she's unwilling to change or discuss counselling then I'm afraid you may have some decisions to make.
The way she treated you here, is that similar to how she treats you in your everyday life?0 -
Stavro Mueller wrote: »Oh that's nasty. How was your sex life before this? I wonder is she of the "Lie back and think of England" brigade? Now that you've given her a child you're of no further use to her? If she's unwilling to change or discuss counselling then I'm afraid you may have some decisions to make.
The way she treated you here, is that similar to how she treats you in your everyday life?
I'm starting to think now that all she wanted was a child. Sometimes she talks to me in a very condescending way and shouts (eventhough she denies it).
It's true, she is a great mother and rightly says that she cooks the dinner at weekends and irons clothes.
I won't deny that I could do more but I'm sure I'm a good Dad who chips in.
To be honest I just want her as she was before, cooking dinner and ironing shirts ain't going to cure my loneliness. The only thing I feel we share is our beautiful daughter. Over the last few years I thought it was just a phase and things would turn but how many years do you wait?
I'm currently in the process of trying to get a babysitter so that we can go out and maybe rediscover something we've lost. The worrying thing is she has said "but sure where do we need to go"
I've told her before that I'm lonely but she doesn't seem to get it.
I can keep my head buried in the sand but I think it's going to get worse and worse0 -
Basically you have to let her know in no uncertain terms you love her and your daughter but are not happy with the current state of affairs. Just say things need to change or you're leaving - and be prepared to do it. Don't get angry or anything - just state it as fact. Make it clear that you are willing to change too.
One of 2 things will happen : she will say she wants to work on it with you or she will freak out and blame you for everything, saying she hates you etc etc. Then you have your answer.
If it's the second option, go find a solicitor. Life is far too short to spend it with someone you are not happy with.0 -
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Stavro Mueller wrote: »Oh that's nasty. How was your sex life before this? I wonder is she of the "Lie back and think of England" brigade? Now that you've given her a child you're of no further use to her? If she's unwilling to change or discuss counselling then I'm afraid you may have some decisions to make.
The way she treated you here, is that similar to how she treats you in your everyday life?
I'm starting to think now that all she wanted was a child. Sometimes she talks to me in a very condescending way and shouts (eventhough she denies it).
It's true, she is a great mother and rightly says that she cooks the dinner at weekends and irons clothes.
I won't deny that I could do more but I'm sure I'm a good Dad who chips in.
To be honest I just want her as she was before, cooking dinner and ironing shirts ain't going to cure my loneliness. The only thing I feel we share is our beautiful daughter. Over the last few years I thought it was just a phase and things would turn but how many years do you wait?
I'm currently in the process of trying to get a babysitter so that we can go out and maybe rediscover something we've lost. The worrying thing is she has said "but sure where do we need to go"
I've told her before that I'm lonely but she doesn't seem to get it.
I can keep my head buried in the sand but I think it's going to get worse and worse0 -
I’m sorry to hear of your predicament OP. Her sneering at you like that must be a real confidence blow.
You gave the impression that you didn’t help out much to raise your daughter, is that correct? Can you help more.
This marriage you describe would appear to be more of a house-share in reality. You could try counselling to resolve your differences. I think she has made her feelings quite clear that she does not want sex or another child whereas you do. While counselling may help, personally I don’t think I’d be too keen on sex or a child with someone who had to be “counselled into it”.
My intuition on this is that the die is cast here. You need to make a decision – stay in a dead end marriage with someone who is at best lukewarm about it and remain celibate and without the other child you want or dissolve the marriage and find someone else who you are compatible with and can have the child with.
As for your daughter, it would be better for her that you split with your wife as living in a toxic household will do far more damage than you not living there full time. You can still have full involvement with your daughter. If you choose the latter, you would want to proceed sooner rather than later – while men haven’t got the same pressure body clock wise, it is still riskier for a man to father a child over 40 than say in his 20s or 30s. It’s well documented.
Tl;dr, you need to decide whether you should stay in this marriage or bail out and start again. It is a nasty decision to have to make but make it you must. Whatever you choose, just make sure it is the one where you can look back in 20 or 30 years time and not be racked with regrets.
Good luck man.0 -
What happened on holidays is awful, a really awful display of utter disrespect and callousness on her part.
Relationships go through ups and downs all the time, but the fact that you cant even communicate with your wife is a very big issue. You really need to sit your wife down and speak to her as a partner and ask the really hard questions;
Has she realized its been x years since ye had sex?
Does she realize that that is not healthy?
That dating, intimacy and sex are very important to you?
Remind her that you lover her, but love is not enough.
And finally,Does she want to fix your relationship? (if this is not an immediate yes you might be fighting a losing battle)...
But you have to ask, otherwise you are going to continue to live this half life which sounds awful, having been in a very extended long distance relationship, i understand the concept of feeling very alone while in a relationship and it's no joke but continuing to skirt the issue when your clearly not happy is on you OP.
Best of luck0 -
I think that even thinking about having a baby is madness considering there are serious problems within your marraige that you and your wife havent even discussed with each other fully.
To be fair to her from the sounds of it she worked full time while minding a child who at times was unwell and doing night feeds etc while having to make sure her husband got a full nights sleep so that he was able to work long hours that left her alone to do the parenting and the housework. As it stands from the sounds of it she works full time as well as doing the cooking and ironing and cleaning. I can understand why she might not want to go through all that again. yes things are different for yuo now but its only natural that she might have bad memories and concerns.
As for the sex, four years is too long. A sexless marraige is not a marraige, its a platonic friendship with a label. Its awful that she sneered at you and that must have killed confidence. I;d suggest sit down with her when the child is not present and have an honest conversation about havign sex (not having sex to have another baby that she may not want but having enjoyable sex and enjoying spending intimate time together)0 -
professore wrote: »Basically you have to let her know in no uncertain terms you love her and your daughter but are not happy with the current state of affairs. Just say things need to change or you're leaving - and be prepared to do it. Don't get angry or anything - just state it as fact. Make it clear that you are willing to change too.
One of 2 things will happen : she will say she wants to work on it with you or she will freak out and blame you for everything, saying she hates you etc etc. Then you have your answer.
If it's the second option, go find a solicitor. Life is far too short to spend it with someone you are not happy with.
Thanks for this reply. I came home this evening and said I wanted to speak to her later. She kind of half agreed but said "did I not realize that children were the priority in a marriage". I said "no they are one priority in a marriage".
Then she said we'd speak at 9.30.
Now it's 10 and both wife and child are beside me asleep in the bed (child has cough for last week).
Normally this wouldn't bother me but when I look back over time, the child has and always has been the priority. We as a couple should be a priority to some extent. It's difficult to get any sort of " us" time. She goes to bed a lot quite early 9pm at the best of times reading her chick books.
I think it's my own fault, I've let things drift along, but I thought things would turn around. Someone on this thread said there was no point in being financially comfortable and being unhappy, but I'm not going to be guilty for ensuring my family's security. I still believe things change but I need to be brave and lay the cards on the table. I will try again tomorrow evening to talk to her.0 -
Dark Phoenix wrote: »I think that even thinking about having a baby is madness considering there are serious problems within your marraige that you and your wife havent even discussed with each other fully.
To be fair to her from the sounds of it she worked full time while minding a child who at times was unwell and doing night feeds etc while having to make sure her husband got a full nights sleep so that he was able to work long hours that left her alone to do the parenting and the housework. As it stands from the sounds of it she works full time as well as doing the cooking and ironing and cleaning. I can understand why she might not want to go through all that again. yes things are different for yuo now but its only natural that she might have bad memories and concerns.
As for the sex, four years is too long. A sexless marraige is not a marraige, its a platonic friendship with a label. Its awful that she sneered at you and that must have killed confidence. I;d suggest sit down with her when the child is not present and have an honest conversation about havign sex (not having sex to have another baby that she may not want but having enjoyable sex and enjoying spending intimate time together)
Yes I totally understand why she wouldn't want to have another baby either. But it's been a struggle to get any sort of discussion on it. What worries me is how peripheral I am in this family. She even suggested I was jealous.
It's amazing, when our daughter was born, I genuinely thought I was pulling out all the stops, eventhough I like my career, at the time I was in a bad place jobwise and thought "stick with it, sit it out, weather the storm, I love my family, it's for them". How wrong was I? Let's be clear, while my wife was carrying the can to a certain extent, I was far from a layabout and this saddens me a little. I'm sure there's worse dads out there whose wives are a bit more understanding.0 -
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Tbh, everything you've said has heavily indicated your wife does the vast majority of everything in the home.
I'm guessing that in addition to her job, she also does all the pick ups and drop offs, liases woth the school, arranges and attends all the hospital appointments, does the daily excema treatment, does all the laundry/ironing, does all the cleaning, sorts out your daughters clothes, BUYS your daughters clothes/shoes/knickers etc, does the bathtimes, possibly does the groceries too, all the cooking....the list goes on.
She did all the horrific baby nights.....and tbh I'm guessing that when your daughter still wakes in the nights it ain't you going in there.
Who does the school call and expect to leave work if your child pukes up in class? Its rarely Dad.
I'm sure there are plenty of things you do. 80% still leaves 20% for you. But it does not sound remotely equal when she has a job out of the house too.
I honestly think that the reason she sneered at the condoms in the hotel was because a) you hadn't even mentioned it to her before producing them like Paul Daniels out of a hat, and b) your 4 year old daughter was going to be sharing the room with you. Not the sexiest environment. I may have guffawed myself. Yeah its not particularly sensitive but you can see how she might have thought you had a bit of a brass neck.
Sex in a marriage is incredibly important - but a womans libido can fly out the window when it slowly dawns on her she is not in an equal partnership. And I really don't think she is. Possibly she doesn't care if she never has sex with you again.
Men don't seem to get this - that if you concentrate mainly on "providing"......and ignore the fact that their wife is doing two arduous jobs, then its not beyond the realm of possibility that their wife might wonder exactly what, besides money, are they adding to the equasion?
I remember one of my friends saying to me that since all her husband contributes is money, that she may as well be a single mother and get maintenance. After all, she was essentially a single mother anyway, and life would be easier with one less person to clean up after. She certainly no longer fancied him. They split up and he was raging - hadn't he worked all the hours God sent for the family???! Think about it.0 -
Did you communicate this to your wife re working long hours etc was for everyone's benefit ? What about her job does she earn similar to you? I'm asking this to try and get a perspective on what exactly happened when your child was born. And if your wife was the main care giver to the child and you didnt equally co parent then yes, she will has a very close bond with the child0
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And could you get someone in to help with household chores? As a wife and mother myself who worked full time since my child was young there is nothing more depressing than coming home tired, cold and hungry with a mountain of housework facing you and childcare duties. Bitterness and resentment soon emerges due to an unequal division of labour. Maybe this has all festered for far too long? Good you tried to talk to her and don't give up. Best of luck0
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Did you communicate this to your wife re working long hours etc was for everyone's benefit ? What about her job does she earn similar to you? I'm asking this to try and get a perspective on what exactly happened when your child was born. And if your wife was the main care giver to the child and you didnt equally co parent then yes, she will has a very close bond with the child
Yes countless times I told her, I said if I was ever in the situation again I would quit, but at the time, at height of recession, it was the best thing to do for all of us.
To answer your question she earned less than me at the time and a lot less than me now. My salary has fluctuated throughout my career, from ok to lucrative.
I made the point earlier about being financially comfortable before, because it reassures me that I can walk away from jobs that threaten me and my family's happiness in the future. The money itself does not guarantee happiness but I think it gives us options. I think a previous poster misunderstood my point on that earlier.
Without a doubt, my wife is a super care giver and mother and was at the time. But at the time I tried to keep as many plates spinning at the one time.
Can I just thank everyone for posting? I do find it helpful to get all this out. It's like a release valve. I just hope things can work out. I think communicate is sadly lacking though and I have to accept some of the blame0 -
I hope you can get to talk to your wife. I've got a bad feeling that she's going to use your daughter to deflect this conversation for a few days. Then she'll become really tired/really sick or something like that to fob you off even more. I wouldn't even like to begin trying to figure out what went wrong in your marriage but your wife's coming across in this thread like someone who doesn't even like you these days. Whether it's a mental rut she has gotten into or a medical issue, I've no idea.
If you get to talk to her, I think you'd be wise not to mention sex or babies in the conversation. The pair of you don't sound like you're even connecting on a friendship level, let alone more intimately. It's not for nothing she's heading off to bed at 9.00 at night to read her books. She's shutting you out in those hours after your daughter's gone to bed.
Before this all went wrong, how was your sex life? I've not noticed you answering this question. Was she someone with a lower libido than you?0 -
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The recession was terrible for many many families and people had to work long hours in anything to put food on the table so I understand exactly what you are saying. I read somewhere that the first ten years of married life are the hardest with child rearing, work etc etc (!) Chin up, you are trying to communicate with her. Tomorow is another day so best of luck !0
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Borinis_Socks wrote: »Have tried numerous time to broach the subject of sex and intimacy. My wife made me feel very small when I brought it up. On holidays in 2012. I brought condoms in the suitcase thinking that with time away it might be the perfect opportunity.
When I went to the room she had hid them and was almost sneering at me in front of the child.
I stormed out of the hotel room. I couldn't believe it. It's just something that sticks in my mind and I don't see it as a phase because nothing has changed.
It's hard for me to expose my feelings on here but I might as well be honest. It's not necessarily about another child.
It's about feeling loved and appreciated. I really feel so alone.
Good god, women can be evil bitches
you need to sit down and talk to her sooner rather than later0 -
Your wife has gone through a lot of things on her own and maybe she feels it would be better if you split up. It doesn't sound like you've helped with much and money means nothing to some people. If all I was getting from a husband was a paycheck then I'd want out as well.
Understand when you speak to your wife, you've done a lot wrong and need to accept some blame too. She needs to listen to your concerns and hopefully you can work on things. It won't be overnight though and it won't happen unless you start to communicate immediately.0 -
Borinis_Socks wrote: »Yes I totally understand why she wouldn't want to have another baby either. But it's been a struggle to get any sort of discussion on it. What worries me is how peripheral I am in this family. She even suggested I was jealous.
It's amazing, when our daughter was born, I genuinely thought I was pulling out all the stops, eventhough I like my career, at the time I was in a bad place jobwise and thought "stick with it, sit it out, weather the storm, I love my family, it's for them". How wrong was I? Let's be clear, while my wife was carrying the can to a certain extent, I was far from a layabout and this saddens me a little. I'm sure there's worse dads out there whose wives are a bit more understanding.
I don't want to be harsh OP, but you sound incredibly clueless about your own relationship. OK, so you were far from a layabout and are now financially very well off - that's great, and I completely believe you were doing it all for your family. However, it sounds like you were working in your own little bubble.
NOW you're lonely. But where was the friendship/intimacy/understanding between you for the last 6 years? Having a good job doesn't give you the right to a good relationship. Sounds like you both have had nothing in common for years.
NOW you want another child and/or sex. You approached her about this and she rejected it out of hand. And you seem surprised. You two are strangers to each other, living in two separate worlds in the same house. Indeed you are peripheral in the family, ie. your wife and daughter have a family life, and now you want to join in. Why weren't you joining in for 6 years? I imagine your wife laughed bitterly when you suggested a discussion alright. It can't have been nice to hear that rejection, but tbh, she must have built up a right head of resentment, disappointment and quite possibly apathy at this stage.
You're coming at this from completely the wrong direction. You have a list of issues this way round in order of preference - 1.another baby, 2.sex, 3.being less peripheral, 4.going out somewhere with your wife, 5.wanting to talk, 6.realising that you have nothing in common any more/no relationship basically.
You should have your issues the other way round and work on them accordingly. Start at 6 and work back. If you get to number 4, you stand some chance of a relationship with your family. In my opinion.0 -
I would recommend couple therapy.
We are only getting the OPs stressed, upset and very personal rose tinted glasses perception of events. They may be a victim of a bad marraige and instinctively taking responsibility for everything, painting the picture of the poor little wife who constantly reminds them of how little they contribute.
Or Perhaps the OP is openly honest about their limited contribution to the household, but this doesn't make it ok for their partner to continue with the very destructive habits that have been written.
Even a healthy marraige can be stressful and communicating can be difficult. People are advising on snippets of information.
When it's a long term marraige, a child is involved and it's over 4 years since physical relations, I think it's time to seek professional help. If your wife won't go with you, start going yourself, it might shed some light and help you get the tools you need to open channels of communication with your wife.
One thing to remember though is that you can't force or control how involved your partner may get. That's why it's important that you get the tools to communicate.0 -
OP, you are using a sledgehammer to crack a nut. Trying to solve lack of sex by chucking condoms into a suitcase is NOT communication. Saying you want another baby isn't the way either.
You prioritised your own career and health in the newborn phase. It can be a very isolating time for a new mother, but when you have someone in the bed next to you saying "stay there, sleep, I'll get up to the baby" you feel like a team.
Even now you say your daughters skin condition exhausts your wife when it flares. Why? does she have sleepless nights tending to your child? Why does it not exhaust you? is it that, again, you've prioritised your own needs first, above your wife, and your daughter?
What is the housework split between you both OP? Include school /hobby pick-ups and drop-off in that, who leaves work when your child is sick from school, is it you or your wife? Who sorts out the birthday gifts for parties, new clothes /uniform shopping? Parent teacher meetings? Grocery shopping? Play dates? If your wife is working full time, and managing your daughters skin condition,(I'm assuming its sleep interruption for her) plus managing the bulk of the household and childcare commitments, I can see why intimacy is on the back burner. When you say that cooking dinner or ironing clothes isnt going to cure your loneliness, then I can infer from that you don't do those for a start.
You excuse your lack of participation in the home, in family life for the last 6 years by saying you were focused on your work, but I'm afraid I don't buy it. My partner got laid off at the beginning of the recession. He found a job with far less money, and on average works about 60 hrs a week. I had two pay cuts, and work full time. Money was, and still is, tight. But he did, and still does, his share of night time kiddie care, does equal amounts of housework, so that we both have free time for each other. Our child is priority for BOTH of us, but like every other couple, we juggle life so that every once in a while, we get to have a nice night out together, reconnecting as friends. And you have to be friends first before you can be lovers.
Her reaction on holiday to the condoms was unkind, but I can see it from her point of view. In 2012, you had a child barely out of toddlerhood, which by all accounts you were quite hands off with, home life didn't feature on your radar, and with your wife working full time, looking forward to a holiday, a rest, opens the suitcase and sees that she has yet another 'job' she is expected to perform for you without prior discussion. I'd have handled it differently but I don't think that I'd have been too impressed with you either.
If you want to salvage this, use Shrap's list and work backwards from 6. It may be too little, too late, but you wont know until you try.0 -
Morrisonossary wrote: »Tbh, everything you've said has heavily indicated your wife does the vast majority of everything in the home.
I'm guessing that in addition to her job, she also does all the pick ups and drop offs, liases woth the school, arranges and attends all the hospital appointments, does the daily excema treatment, does all the laundry/ironing, does all the cleaning, sorts out your daughters clothes, BUYS your daughters clothes/shoes/knickers etc, does the bathtimes, possibly does the groceries too, all the cooking....the list goes on.
She did all the horrific baby nights.....and tbh I'm guessing that when your daughter still wakes in the nights it ain't you going in there.
Who does the school call and expect to leave work if your child pukes up in class? Its rarely Dad.
I'm sure there are plenty of things you do. 80% still leaves 20% for you. But it does not sound remotely equal when she has a job out of the house too.
I honestly think that the reason she sneered at the condoms in the hotel was because a) you hadn't even mentioned it to her before producing them like Paul Daniels out of a hat, and b) your 4 year old daughter was going to be sharing the room with you. Not the sexiest environment. I may have guffawed myself. Yeah its not particularly sensitive but you can see how she might have thought you had a bit of a brass neck.
Sex in a marriage is incredibly important - but a womans libido can fly out the window when it slowly dawns on her she is not in an equal partnership. And I really don't think she is. Possibly she doesn't care if she never has sex with you again.
Men don't seem to get this - that if you concentrate mainly on "providing"......and ignore the fact that their wife is doing two arduous jobs, then its not beyond the realm of possibility that their wife might wonder exactly what, besides money, are they adding to the equasion?
I remember one of my friends saying to me that since all her husband contributes is money, that she may as well be a single mother and get maintenance. After all, she was essentially a single mother anyway, and life would be easier with one less person to clean up after. She certainly no longer fancied him. They split up and he was raging - hadn't he worked all the hours God sent for the family???! Think about it.
Most of the posts here have been very well received by me (both those that have given a dual perspective). But this post, I'm afraid, does not reflect anything about me. I can't take anything from that. I'm sorry you and your friend have such a polarized view.0 -
Stavro Mueller wrote: »I hope you can get to talk to your wife. I've got a bad feeling that she's going to use your daughter to deflect this conversation for a few days. Then she'll become really tired/really sick or something like that to fob you off even more. I wouldn't even like to begin trying to figure out what went wrong in your marriage but your wife's coming across in this thread like someone who doesn't even like you these days. Whether it's a mental rut she has gotten into or a medical issue, I've no idea.
If you get to talk to her, I think you'd be wise not to mention sex or babies in the conversation. The pair of you don't sound like you're even connecting on a friendship level, let alone more intimately. It's not for nothing she's heading off to bed at 9.00 at night to read her books. She's shutting you out in those hours after your daughter's gone to bed.
Before this all went wrong, how was your sex life? I've not noticed you answering this question. Was she someone with a lower libido than you?
When we first started dating, and for the first few years we lived together, we had sex 2 or 3 times a week. We were living together for about 6 years before we got married and I suppose at that time we weren't having sex as much but still, at least occasionally enough. Let's say, I wouldn't say that either of us would pester each other for sex, but naturally enough after our daughter came along, everything changed. But it's never changed back and I think after 6 years it's looking bleak enough. Bear in mind, one or twice a month shouldn't be a big ask in any healthy relationship.0 -
The recession was terrible for many many families and people had to work long hours in anything to put food on the table so I understand exactly what you are saying. I read somewhere that the first ten years of married life are the hardest with child rearing, work etc etc (!) Chin up, you are trying to communicate with her. Tomorow is another day so best of luck !
Thanks. I believe my wife, the woman I fell in love with, is still in there somewhere.
I think she is such a hands-on mother, that maybe I might have to convince her that we need to focus on us as well.
To be honest, I don't like some of this anti-men stuff I'm hearing on here, very little of it reflects me.0 -
CaliforniaDream wrote: »Your wife has gone through a lot of things on her own and maybe she feels it would be better if you split up. It doesn't sound like you've helped with much and money means nothing to some people. If all I was getting from a husband was a paycheck then I'd want out as well.
Understand when you speak to your wife, you've done a lot wrong and need to accept some blame too. She needs to listen to your concerns and hopefully you can work on things. It won't be overnight though and it won't happen unless you start to communicate immediately.
At what point did I say that all I provided for my wife and child was a paycheck?0 -
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