Dating Online - Turns ons/Turn offs

AlteredStates

Turn on's:
The initial chatting and getting to know someone - meeting like minded people and chatting about commonalities
Having a laugh

Turn offs:
Pictures of men with their ex partner or wife on their wedding day? Like seriously Ive thought about hitting like on tinder...just to ask one of these men - Why??
Men messaging what they would like to do to you.. like without even saying hello first?
Men talking about their last and past relationships - Sorry I am not an online counselor!
Time wasters i.e. emotionally unavailable

Needless to say I no longer date online - more turn offs than there are turn on's.

thegreatgonzo

AndonHandon wrote: »

That's a great idea actually. What would you suggest if I was to ask them to come but as part of those in the group too, e.g. In work at lunch; should I invite all of work but try to let her know that she is the reason I want everyone to go and how should this be emphasised?

I wouldn't say anything to her about that. Just get the whole group out and make sure you have plenty chance to hang out and have the craic with her on the night. If ye have a good time you could suggest doing something else together again but without the group but if you work with her I would try to keep it as casual sounding as possible.

ancapailldorcha

My own preferences aside, I like to see thoroughly completed profiles or at least profiles which look like the owner actually spent time on them as opposed to just saying "Ask me". I absolutely cannot stand half-arsed profiles, poor English or the high levels of narcissism displayed on a lot of girls profiles*.

*Could well be true for men as well. I've only seen a few of my friends profile.

thegreatgonzo

DoYouEvenLift wrote: »

I have yet to meet a woman who is into horses that isn't bat sh!t insane.

Ah now how many have you met?

Some people I know that go out on hunts are I admit, quite mad in that extreme sports type way, but it's as much men as women.
There's plenty of us that just enjoy equestrian sports and are pretty normal and boring.
I don't get the whole princess thing either, it's like a made up concept or something borrowed from an american tv show about spoilt rich girls.

Nynaeve

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

My own preferences aside, I like to see thoroughly completed profiles or at least profiles which look like the owner actually spent time on them as opposed to just saying "Ask me". I absolutely cannot stand half-arsed profiles, poor English or the high levels of narcissism displayed on a lot of girls profiles*.

*Could well be true for men as well. I've only seen a few of my friends profile.

Completely agree with this one! Another aspect is the "I don't really know what to say about myself" profiles

I understand people are shy, and find it hard to "sell themselves". I really am exactly the same (that shyness is probably why I'm on a dating site.) But you're not timed filling out your profile, take some time and put some effort in. Three sentences on anything about you, music, education, job etc is loads.

MRnotlob606

Zippie84 wrote: »

Hate when guys message a girl me with one word message 'Hi'.

Literally just 'Hi', a one word message.

Or even 'hi bbz'.

At least make SOME effort.

Given up on all that now tbh...

Why don't you initiate conversation then ? I'm sick of this crap about guys having to be the ones to start conversations . Really need to change this attitude in our society.

Studies show that men actually appreciate when women initiate conversation with them also. As sentient human beings we also feel feelings of love and attachment and we feel special when a lady also makes an effort to start a conversation. Do you ever think about how many times that guy who said "hi" got rejected ?


Show some sympathy for us men folk.

Nynaeve

I don't think the point was ever that it's only men who send the "Hi" message. It probably does sound like that because this is a woman vs. mens point of view discussion, but I think at this point everyone agrees that the "Hi" message is awful

MRnotlob606 wrote: »

Do you ever think about how many times that guy who said "hi" got rejected ?


Show some sympathy for us men folk.

I actually have been thinking of that! I've just been ignoring them so far, which is really bad I know. Maybe these sites should have a "Thanks but no thanks" automatic reply...like you get after a failed job interview :P

ancapailldorcha

Nynaeve wrote: »

Completely agree with this one! Another aspect is the "I don't really know what to say about myself" profiles

I understand people are shy, and find it hard to "sell themselves". I really am exactly the same (that shyness is probably why I'm on a dating site.) But you're not timed filling out your profile, take some time and put some effort in. Three sentences on anything about you, music, education, job etc is loads.

Any sort of attempt at all is fine by me. I just need something to show that there are common interests to serve as an icebreaker. Saying that a potential suitor must look like Channing Tatum however is just unhelpful.

Greentopia

whisky_galore wrote: »

'Bubbly' = Fat

'Curvy' = Fat

'BBW' = Fat

'Average' = Fat

'Athletic' = Fat

'Slim' = Fat

'You' = Fat?

Greentopia

AlteredStates wrote: »

Turn on's:
The initial chatting and getting to know someone - meeting like minded people and chatting about commonalities
Having a laugh

Turn offs:
Pictures of men with their ex partner or wife on their wedding day? Like seriously Ive thought about hitting like on tinder...just to ask one of these men - Why??
Men messaging what they would like to do to you.. like without even saying hello first?
Men talking about their last and past relationships - Sorry I am not an online counselor!
Time wasters i.e. emotionally unavailable

Needless to say I no longer date online - more turn offs than there are turn on's.

Yup, had all those and more and gave it up too as a lost cause. And no, I don't know either why men put photos of their exes on their profiles. Bizarre.

Nynaeve

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

Any sort of attempt at all is fine by me. I just need something to show that there are common interests to serve as an icebreaker. Saying that a potential suitor must look like Channing Tatum however is just unhelpful.

Would that happen to you a lot? I'm coming from a FSM point of view, and I've never come across a bloke saying "you must look like such and such".

I'm shocked that girls (anyone!) would put that into their profile

luckypigeon

- information -

I joined Tinder very recently.

I had previously been on some of the gay apps, being a bi male. Deleted them eventually.

I have floated, picture-less, around some of the personals sites, for years possibly, never once finding a motivation to upload a pic and make contact with someone.

I'm not gonna meet anyone in clubs etc. cos I don't like clubs etc.

I'm not looking for hookups, but neither am I looking for someone to "complete me" and save the flagging narrative of my life so I can look better in the eyes of parents and peers before my biological clock implodes. Looking for a companion of some kind, no particular agenda beyond that.

- thoughts/conclusions:

1.

I think each app or site has its own tone and understood modes of conduct etc. You see the same people on each of the sites, but their profiles differ depending on the app/site. Some apps/site are more "civilised" and people post more civilised, "respectable" versions of themselves (and probably behave more respectfully and politely too); other apps/sites are more of a free for all when it comes to conduct and behaviour and projected image. This is pretty consistent with what we know about human groups/institutions/organisations/games/sports/clubs etc. Different apps have different "cultures" around them and different implicitly understood expectations of behaviour; even if it's the same people on all of them!! Same way as people act differently at a soccer match than at a cricket match, or they act differently in Brown Thomas than they would in Pennies. Culture and institutions.

2.

The "free love" generation didn't die, it just moved to Grindr. Grindr is a cornucopia of male on male sexual satisfaction, a promised land of uncomplicated, direct, up-front and honest sexual trade. It is interactive porn you can order to your house for free, and you don't have to use any pick up lines or talk total **** or lie or pretend or use sales technique or feel obliged to manipulate/drive/brainwash in order to give yourself the best chance, or any of the other soul-degrading actions that are incumbent upon males in heterosexual culture. Men asking men, for sex, directly. It's a shallow nirvana, of sorts. There is even an option to define as "poz" and search for other "poz" people - meaning HIV positive; which is (pending medical confirmation of its safety) the closest that we in the 21st Century can currently come to truly "free love", i.e. unprotected sex with little to no fear of disease or pregnancy. Group sex on Grindr seems to be a commonly occurring thing, and it's just a click away if you want it. There are free blowjobs on offer, regularly. Just post a picture of a ripped abdomen (if you have one) and some kind fellow will wanna come over and suck your dick. What guy doesn't want free blowjobs? The most wonderful thing about male/male sexuality is the honesty, but also: the compatibility. There are "tops", "bottoms" and "vers's". Tops give, bottoms receive and vers's do both; and everyone is up front and open about their status here. If you're a "top" and you're chatting with a "bottom", then you can be pretty sure that you're gonna have a good time sexually. Gay men are proud to give and proud to receive and they fit together in all the different ways along this spectrum. With male/female heterosexual relations it is drastically different... Men ALL love to give; and women (we understand) generally don't cum through penetration alone, neither do they usually cum at all in sex with a guy!! Especially during a hookup, I would imagine. The cultural feedback is that women are not altogether "sex positive" when it comes to receiving a cock. ; and the cultural reality is that heterosexual men are generally terrible at turning a woman on and making her cum and that most women's sexual experiences with heterosexual men are mostly underwhelming. In the gay world these problems don't exist. Bottoms love bottoming, tops love topping; and they're both good at what they do (it's not hard is it?). It's a perfectly beautiful situation. It's so refreshing, and such a turn on, to talk to a potential "date" and KNOW that they are up for sex and that they will enjoy the sex if it happens. Even just to have that in the background. Men and women have a long way to go before they can achieve this state of perfection. I think the answer really is for hetero men to get BETTER AT SEX, and for women to become more open, honest, proud and communicative about what they're into sexually (cos hetero men are no mystery generally: pretty much mainly just into penetration of an attractive body - duh!). For women to become more open it would require them to "own" certain inherent aspects of female sexuality; such as being in the position of being the "bottom". The hetero world can take cues from the sexually honest and open and direct and mutually satisfying world of gay sexual relations. To conclude: I have learned that men are sexually compatible with each other to an unbelievable degree; whereas men and women are tragically, but beautifully, mis-aligned in this area.

sigh..

Maybe I will finish this ridiculous essay at some point in the future.

Latr,

Pigeon

seventeen sheep

AndonHandon wrote: »

It's difficult to start a conversation with someone you want yo get to know, without coming across as cheesy, other than to say 'hi, how are you?'. The ideal response is 'good thanks; 'just in from the gym' or 'just in from work', 'just ate dinner' or whatever. Something other than 'good, thanks'. There is so little to work with from a picture and a paragraph 'About Me' profile section. Need to converse a bit more online than in real life!

I'd probably not even consider replying to a "Hi, how are you?" message from a stranger.

1) Assuming I've gone to the effort of actually completing my profile ... of all the information I gave about myself, there's nothing I mentioned that was in any way of interest to you, and nothing you might be able to mention we have in common, nothing I mentioned you might want to ask me about? Nothing? Chances are you never even read it, and if that's too much effort for you, why would I bother going to the effort of replying to your message?

2) Even apart from the above ... if you don't know me, and don't know anything about me and what's going on in my life at that particular time, why ask me how I am? Surely my answer will only be relevant in the context of my general mood, and what's going on in my life at that time ... and if you don't know me, and don't know what's happening in my life, whatever I answer will probably be pretty meaningless, no?

Think you need to develop your imagination a little bit beyond the generic "Hi how are you" messages.

Sebastian Dangerfield

I tried Tinder for the first time a little over a year ago - Id just broken up with someone long term so I thought it would be a good way to get out and about. I found conversation quite hard with some girls - their profiles said things like "Dont bother messaging me if all you say is "hey babes", or "how r u"" but when I started chatting theyd answer my question and give nothing back to get the conversation flowing. "Any plans for the weekend?" "Yeah its my friends birthday so were all going out" etc (why bother replying at all?). There are only so many questions you can ask without it getting a bit weird, so those conversations didnt last long.
One girl had her profile picture of her in a Christmas jumper so I messaged her saying something along the lines of "how was your Christmas - it looked like a fun night in your profile pic" and the response i got was "that seems like a stock question you use on everyone. If you cant think of anything original to say, dont bother". Very strange.
Turned out ok in the end - I clicked with the one girl I met off it and were getting married later this year, but I dont think Id have tried it for much longer

CarpeDiem85

Sure you got what you wanted off it so Sebastian. If it wasn't for Tinder, perhaps you wouldn't have met your wife to be. Meeting the right person is never going to be easy. unfortunately.

Richard Hillman

I always swipe left if she has poor grammar. It doesn't need to be perfect, we all make grammatical errors but it needs to be at least semi-professional.

sizing europe

What's the best site lads honestly? Tinder is just ****e to be honest in my experiences, as previous people have said it just gets awkward when the women just keep replying without any sort of personality or interest in the conversation. Any sites worth joining?

bb1234567

Zippie84 wrote: »

Hate when guys message a girl me with one word message 'Hi'.

Literally just 'Hi', a one word message.

Or even 'hi bbz'.

At least make SOME effort.

Given up on all that now tbh...

Like 99% of people no matter what age or gender or attractiveness seem to just say hey,hi,how are you as an opening yet everyone still complains about it. I see that on so many peoples profiles yet I doubt they've ever sent a message that was any more exciting than just hey how are you themselves

Irish_rat

sizing europe wrote: »

What's the best site lads honestly? Tinder is just ****e to be honest in my experiences, as previous people have said it just gets awkward when the women just keep replying without any sort of personality or interest in the conversation. Any sites worth joining?

I've met a few cool people from POF. I think it's really good but they have restricted a few sections in it now which you need to upgrade, but overall I've heard it's better than the likes of tinder.

Irish_rat

Turn offs would be constantly online, loads of selfies and immaturity. Replying with a "lol"

bb1234567

seventeen sheep wrote: »

I'd probably not even consider replying to a "Hi, how are you?" message from a stranger.

1) Assuming I've gone to the effort of actually completing my profile ... of all the information I gave about myself, there's nothing I mentioned that was in any way of interest to you, and nothing you might be able to mention we have in common, nothing I mentioned you might want to ask me about? Nothing? Chances are you never even read it, and if that's too much effort for you, why would I bother going to the effort of replying to your message?

2) Even apart from the above ... if you don't know me, and don't know anything about me and what's going on in my life at that particular time, why ask me how I am? Surely my answer will only be relevant in the context of my general mood, and what's going on in my life at that time ... and if you don't know me, and don't know what's happening in my life, whatever I answer will probably be pretty meaningless, no?

Think you need to develop your imagination a little bit beyond the generic "Hi how are you" messages.

and why is it up to the men to create these wonderful and interesting messages to woo the women always, how about the other way around for a change just maybe

bb1234567

sizing europe wrote: »

What's the best site lads honestly? Tinder is just ****e to be honest in my experiences, as previous people have said it just gets awkward when the women just keep replying without any sort of personality or interest in the conversation. Any sites worth joining?

I signed up to blendr a few hours ago and started talking to a really nice girl i met there...i don't know if thats representative of the women on the site hah but give it a try...seems more interesting than tinder

Tarzana2

tomwaterford wrote: »

TBF any messages I've received from young wans aren't exactly stuff of conversational gold/literary genius

I'll have you know I was quite the Dorothy Parker when I was 19. When I wasn't drinking loads of tequila and generally being a muppet, that is. :pac:

Whosthis

Nynaeve wrote: »

5 years ago I'd have agreed with you! But for someone (not necessarily myself) who doesn't like clubs, where else can you meet someone these days? Believe me, I'd give my right arm to walk into easons and fall over a bloke who just happens to be reading my favourite book :P

I think internet dating is the smart choice these days. If I started going to clubs to meet someone, I'd hate the whole thing, and I'd end up with a boyfriend who enjoys something I hate

Your favourite book or all fourteen of them?

ratmouse

bb1234567 wrote: »

and why is it up to the men to create these wonderful and interesting messages to woo the women always, how about the other way around for a change just maybe

I don't think that it is meant in the way that women expect the man to ask all the questions,etc. I believe that it is meant in the sense that if a guy spots your profile (you haven't spotted his) then surely he could come up with something less non descript than Hi, how are you? And the same goes for any woman who spots a guys profile.

Asarlai

I do very well on dating sites, but it's when we meet in person that I often find people can't have a conversation.

For example, last night I was with someone I met online, and she couldn't even understand the difference between 'argosy' and 'telephony'. Can you believe that? And it was her who brought up the topic of basketball in the first place.

Vex Willems

Asarlai wrote: »

I do very well on dating sites, but it's when we meet in person that I often find people can't have a conversation.

For example, last night I was with someone I met online, and she couldn't even understand the difference between 'argosy' and 'telephony'. Can you believe that? And it was her who brought up the topic of basketball in the first place.

What is difference between 'argosy' and 'telephony'?

Irish_rat

Asarlai wrote: »

'argosy' and 'telephony'. Can you believe that?

I actually can believe that. I Havnt a clue either

Asarlai

Argosy is when the ball is thrown with the left hand but misses the hoop on the third try
Telephony is when the ball is thrown with the right hand, misses the first one, player messes up the second one, and then time runs out before the third try (which would usually have to be with the other hand, so is often done on purpose).

bb1234567

ratmouse wrote: »

I don't think that it is meant in the way that women expect the man to ask all the questions,etc. I believe that it is meant in the sense that if a guy spots your profile (you haven't spotted his) then surely he could come up with something less non descript than Hi, how are you? And the same goes for any woman who spots a guys profile.

Men on dating sites like OKcupid send 90%+ of all first messages . Clearly the majority of women expect men to message first.

bb1234567

Asarlai wrote: »

I do very well on dating sites, but it's when we meet in person that I often find people can't have a conversation.

For example, last night I was with someone I met online, and she couldn't even understand the difference between 'argosy' and 'telephony'. Can you believe that? And it was her who brought up the topic of basketball in the first place.

God forbid!
she probably just brought it up to keep you happy/impress you...thinking you'd be interested in sports and like if she seemed to show interest in sports too, she probably actually has no interest

Venus In Furs

Asarlai wrote: »

Argosy is when the ball is thrown with the left hand but misses the hoop on the third try
Telephony is when the ball is thrown with the right hand, misses the first one, player messes up the second one, and then time runs out before the third try (which would usually have to be with the other hand, so is often done on purpose).

Would I be right in thinking you might be of the view that Irish people are into basketball as you USA folks are?
There's a bit of interest in basketball here but extremely tiny percentage-wise compared to that in the USA (there was actually more interest here in the 80s/early 90s though).
Interest in the NBA here is insignificant too - when it comes to major American sports tournaments, the Superbowl gets shown here on prime-time TV all right, but a major basketball game would be of virtually no concern.

I hadn't a clue what argosy and telephony are either. :pac:

Asarlai

Ah, I'm just messing with your heads. I just thought of the words as I was writing. Sitting here on a cold Sunday afternoon in the Paris of the midwest.

But I do know that the Superbowl is football not basketball.

Muchos apologias, and all that.

Venus In Furs

Asarlai wrote: »

But I do know that the Superbowl is football not basketball.

As in... when it comes to major American sports: American football would have a more significant following here, but NBA would have virtually none in comparison.

Username here

SMJSF wrote: »

turn offs; pics of a male with there kids, not fully showing there face, body pics, most there photos of them drunk or with a drink in there hand, and can't spell to save their life.....

The irony! Brilliant. :rolleyes:

pauliebdub

Turn on; when the handsome guy in the photo turns out to be even better looking in the flesh.

Turn off; chatting online and really hitting it of, eventually meeting in person and discovering there's zero chemistry.

tomwaterford

pauliebdub wrote: »

Turn off; chatting online and really hitting it of, eventually meeting in person and discovering there's zero chemistry.

That is 100% the worst thing about dating online or offline and more than a little disheartening

Do you go for a second date or not...it could be nerves on all parts the first dare??

McChubbin

Turn on: Articulate, funny, athletic build but not super obsessed with sports, has a beard/black hair/ruby lips/tattoos/piercings/muscles, sucessful, ambitious

Turn offs: Can't spell, no sense of humour, arrogant personality, obsessed with sports, overweight, shaved head/tracksuits, still lives at home, unemployed, no ambition

seventeen sheep

bb1234567 wrote: »

and why is it up to the men to create these wonderful and interesting messages to woo the women always, how about the other way around for a change just maybe

I think you may have quoted the wrong post there ... I never said anything to that effect!

DoYouEvenLift

thegreatgonzo wrote: »

Ah now how many have you met?

Some people I know that go out on hunts are I admit, quite mad in that extreme sports type way, but it's as much men as women.
There's plenty of us that just enjoy equestrian sports and are pretty normal and boring.
I don't get the whole princess thing either, it's like a made up concept or something borrowed from an american tv show about spoilt rich girls.

Lots, I'm friends with a family of breeders and through them also became friends with some hunters and polo cross players/showjumpers. Funnily enough to me the hunters seemed to be the soundest.

Username here wrote: »

The irony! Brilliant. :rolleyes:

Lol, unbelievable.

Lyaiera

I decided to bypass the "Hi" messages and go straight to messaging anyone who had a filled in profile, and that I thought we could chat about something. I wrote up a message to one guy, connecting on what he put down as one of his hobbies, and asking a question about it. He wrote back answering, but also complaining that he didn't think he should have to answer detailed questions. Jaysus! Sorry for putting some effort into trying to find an interesting conversation starter.

The site I signed up to, OKCupid is great for weeding out people though. The questions people answer always provide some insight, straight away I've ignored the people who have said no equal marriage, who think women are obligated to shave their legs and anyone who thinks men should be the head of the household. Then there's the guys who have only answered questions about sex and their sexcapades, who make it clear they're only looking for NSA one nighters. I responded to one guy despite all of that as he seemed ok and by his third message he had shown me my initial impression was right.

Elessar

Honestly what's so wrong about wanting NSA relationships? To be honest, as a man I don't really have the time for a full on relationship right now but I do have needs, like everyone else. I don't like clubs.

I recently changed my tinder pictures. Surprisingly started getting a good few matches (it really is all about the pics). Within two weeks I was sleeping with a beautiful american girl. She is so refreshingly forward, I actually love it. She was totally upfront when we met that she is not looking for a relationship either but has needs and wanted me to satisfy them (!). I almost fell off the chair. Normally that would be a turn off for me but you begin to realise it cuts out all the bullsh*t. If only more people could be this forward.

I realise that most women are not this forward (even those who want the same thing), so I think I just got lucky. We are having a lot of fun, and are both clear about where we stand. Absolutely nothing wrong with it. Exactly what tinder was made for imo. It can be done.

Lyaiera

Elessar wrote: »

Honestly what's so wrong about wanting NSA relationships? To be honest, as a man I don't really have the time for a full on relationship right now but I do have needs, like everyone else. I don't like clubs.

Everything about my profile indicates I'm not looking for a NSA relationship. So messaging me about NSA relationships just comes across as really disrespectful. But I have it stated clearly what I'm looking for and that was ignored.

Elessar

Lyaiera wrote: »

Everything about my profile indicates I'm not looking for a NSA relationship. So messaging me about NSA relationships just comes across as really disrespectful. But I have it stated clearly what I'm looking for and that was ignored.

That's fair enough I was just asking in general. Seems to be a non runner for a lot of people.