Visitors want us to remove the cat and dog while they are staying with us

Bruthal

Karen91 wrote: »

I never thought two little animals could cause somebody to behave so drastic.

Your animals didn't cause that type of behaviour, the mentality of the people themselves did.

Send them all a link to the thread as well.

borderlinemeath

Karen91 wrote: »

My OH is just back from his parents, there was major upset in the house after my FIL spoke with the SIL.

Apparently she has been through hell, after a very long telephone conversation she finally came clean about the issue with her husband. It seems he has been having an affair, she found out in the 7th month of her pregnancy she has stayed in Germany with him because of the baby. My FIL wants her to come home, it now explains the hysterical behaviour and the fact that she did not want to come here to hide the situation.

All I can say is I am in shock, the whole family is in shock. The fact that she bottled something like that for so long.

Jeysus:eek:

It doesn't excuse her behaviour, but it certainly sheds a new light on it. She should be keeping her family as close as possible rather than pushing them away, but that's easier said than done from the outside looking in.

It does not excuse the MILs behaviour, and I would be expecting some sort of apology forthcoming for trying to guilt trip you into paying for a trip to Germany.

The most perceptive one of the entire family seems to be your FIL, he seemed to have had the husbands cards marked from the get go.:(

Ken.

I think Karen has had one hell of a lucky escape. A one week holiday could have turned into a permanent thing and then whose the bad guy that put the new mother freshly seperated on the street because of their pets.

FurBabyMomma

As I pointed out in an earlier comment, there were clearly other issues at play and I think the reasons behind her behaviour are very sad. Although her behaviour was horrible, I think people would want to have a bit of heart or at least reserve some of their ire for the husband. Unless you've been in a similar situation to having moved abroad for your oh, got pregnant and then find out he's been cheating it's very easy to be cruel. I know I'd be devastated in that situation and I certainly wouldn't want my family to know, at first anyway. Yes her behaviour was ott and awful for the Op, but at least there's an explanation and she's not just a psycho!

iguana

It's also worth bearing in mind that at the point she found out about the affair she likely had no option to come home as air and ferry travel are not allowed in late pregnancy. She was literally trapped on a different landmass from her family. And now she still may not be able to travel as you can't take a child across international borders if one parent objects.

I've been trying to imagine the headspace she's been in and I suspect that a huge amount of what's been hurting her is a feeling that her husband doesn't care enough for their son to prioritise his family. She may be prevented be circumstances from acting on her feelings toward him and instead let fly at the OP, two more people not caring enough about her son (in her head ). Some of the things she said to you both about growing up and not putting the pets above the baby makes a lot of sense if you swap you two with her husband and the pets with his mistress. I think there was some serious transference going on.

Dubl07

iguana wrote: »

It's also worth bearing in mind that at the point she found out about the affair she likely had no option to come home as air and ferry travel are not allowed in late pregnancy. She was literally trapped on a different landmass from her family. And now she still may not be able to travel as you can't take a child across international borders if one parent objects.

I've been trying to imagine the headspace she's been in and I suspect that a huge amount of what's been hurting her is a feeling that her husband doesn't care enough for their son to prioritise his family. She may be prevented be circumstances from acting on her feelings toward him and instead let fly at the OP, two more people not caring enough about her son (in her head ). Some of the things she said to you both about growing up and not putting the pets above the baby makes a lot of sense if you swap you two with her husband and the pets with his mistress. I think there was some serious transference going on.

A female relative turned out to have been in the same situation while pregnant and then a young mum, overseas as in this case. She was convinced that some of the family knew and were co-conspirators in his misdeeds, that others would sympathise with her husband and that her brothers might do him serious harm if they became aware. Her mind was in a total whirl. None of us found out for over seven years about what was actually going on. It was some time ago; they're still married and grandparents now but it was a fraught period during which she seemed utterly irrational. I'd cut her a lot of slack and forgive the hysterical outbursts. She needs to cuddle with a bundle of furry compassion.

NSAman

Ahhhhh hold on here. At least the original situation has been resolved. Now she can stay with FIL and MIL and the other eeejit will not dare darken the door . Pup and Cat safe.

Tune in next week for the SIL drama with hubby.... round two : REVENGE on the Cheater.

monkeysnapper

If there's going to be a film made of this thread is there any chance my dog samba can have a part, he's a westie , he's house trained , and maybe I can have a part . Can I be the sil husband . I could do with a bit of action .

Seriously I've been reading this whole thread while Mrs watches junk on TV, this thread is way way more interesting than anything on the box .

mada82

Doesn't excuse how she acted. I'd still want an apology from her.

Infact if that's how she acts who can blame to husband for going elsewhere.

DBB

mada82 wrote: »

Infact if that's how she acts who can blame to husband for going elsewhere.

Aw c'mon
You're saying he's having an affair on her because she's irrational, rather than she's irrational because he's having an affair?
Despite the fact that the OP has said several times that her current state of mind is not all that normal for the girl?
Jesus, the girl is in a terrible place. She has been royally shat on and is alone in a foreign country with a newborn child. I challenge anyone to remain cool and collected under those circumstances
Give the girl a break

FurBabyMomma

DBB wrote: »

Aw c'mon
You're saying he's having an affair on her because she's irrational, rather than she's irrational because he's having an affair?
Despite the fact that the OP has said several times that her current state of mind is not all that normal for the girl?
Jesus, the girl is in a terrible place. She has been royally shat on and is alone in a foreign country with a newborn child. I challenge anyone to remain cool and collected under those circumstances
Give the girl a break

Agreed, i hate it when people proclaim themselves animal lovers but say hateful things about people in situations such as this. We're none of us perfect and the world would be a better place if everyone made the effort to show that extra bit of empathy.

Anyway enough moralising, i hope you feel better now Op knowing that none of this was about you or your pets really. I hope you can step back from the situation a bit until things cool down. You're obviously a kind-hearted person from the way you offered your home and from how you feel about your pets, maybe that will be appreciated again in the future. Wishing you and your family the best of luck x

December2012

mada82 wrote: »

Doesn't excuse how she acted. I'd still want an apology from her.

Infact if that's how she acts who can blame to husband for going elsewhere.

Congratulations. You must be the only person in the world who has never made an outrageous demand when going through the trauma of a family and marriage break up.

cofy

mada82 wrote: »

Doesn't excuse how she acted. I'd still want an apology from her.

Infact if that's how she acts who can blame to husband for going elsewhere.

The SIL was in a desperate situation, and was very isolated. While she is the only one who can be responsible for her actions, she created problems within her family where there were none, she should be given a chance to put things right.

But to imply that her husband was right to do that to her at any time let alone when she is heavily pregnant and isolated from her family is very warped.

Arbiter of Good Taste

December2012 wrote: »

Congratulations. You must be the only person in the world who has never made an outrageous demand when going through the trauma of a family and marriage break up.

Have you read the thread? The SIL made horrible comments to the OP about not having children. She needs to apologise for that. Don't care what she was going through, she can still acknowledge that what she said was not appropriate.

cofy

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »

Have you read the thread? The SIL made horrible comments to the OP about not having children. She needs to apologise for that. Don't care what she was going through, she can still acknowledge that what she said was not appropriate.

Rather it was her choice not to let someone in her family know what was going on though.

cofy

Karen you are in a difficult situation. In the words of someone who gave me advice a few years ago, if you are to truely be there for someone else, you need to make sure your own life is in good order, while I am sure your OH and yourself are on the same page, there is a hell of a mess going on here, don't let it fester, make sure things are right for you, then you are in a better position to help your SIL.

December2012

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »

Have you read the thread? The SIL made horrible comments to the OP about not having children. She needs to apologise for that. Don't care what she was going through, she can still acknowledge that what she said was not appropriate.

Have you no compassion for the sister in law? How about the concept of letting things go or forgiveness without apology?

Lemming

December2012 wrote: »

Have you no compassion for the sister in law? How about the concept of letting things go or forgiveness without apology?

TBH; as much as what's going on may explain the SIL's behaviour, the things she said (or some of them at least) do not strike me as "lashing out" but rather views she already holds but has had the good sense to keep them to herself until now; such as "growing up", "having a baby and getting rid of the pets to become an adult" stuff, or the pets being filthy ... those are spiteful things that do not strike one as being off-the-cuff insults to conjure up in the heat of an irrational moment.

No, I think the SIL has had a very poor opinion of the OP in general but until now kept her mouth shut. Whilst I have sympathy for her situation, how much tolerance to you afford to someone before they are simply being abusive out of spite? By all means the proverbial door should be left the door open for her, but it's the SIL that needs to fix herself and accept that she may have said some horrible things in haste when she knows she shouldn't have done.

Arbiter of Good Taste

December2012 wrote: »

Have you no compassion for the sister in law? How about the concept of letting things go or forgiveness without apology?

I do have compassion for the sister in law for what happened to her, not for how she lashed out at the OP telling her to grow up and have children. An apology along the lines of "I shouldn't have said that, but my head wasn't in the right place" would fix everything. We all say things we don't mean. Adults apologise.

Or do you think her situation gives her carte blanche to do or say what she likes to whomever? How long should she have this free pass? Does it extend to everyone, or can she only abuse her family? And how much is too much in your opinion?

December2012

No one said anything about carte blanche.

Being compassionate and forgiving does not mean a person is a doormat.

I do think the sister in law should apologise, but I think it will be way down the list of her priorities and focus. The nice thing to do, the family thing to do and the loving thing to do is to be supportive of the sister in law.

Which, to clarify, does not mean moving the pets. Presumably now the trip in its original sense is off the table?

Dunford

Yes, your house is your home, but some people don't like animals in the house and think they are dirty and not safe for babies to be around....me for one.

Having said that, when I was visiting family with my baby I heard they had a dog I tactfully booked a hotel nearby.

Its a bit much for them to ask you to do this.

sillysmiles

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »

.... An apology along the lines of "I shouldn't have said that, but my head wasn't in the right place" would fix everything.

I would imagine that with everything that the SIL is going through at the moment, it will be a long time before she is in the headspace to have that kind of conversation with the OP and her partner.

In the meantime the best course of action (IMO) is to treat it as though she said nothing and let things settle.
When the SIL is in a more stable place it is possible for the to have that kind of conversation.

Karen91

My OH and I have decided to keep our distance until things settle.

My SIL is coming home, she will be staying with her parents, her husband doesn't know shes leaving yet though. My FIL and my BIL are going to Germany tomorrow and they advised her not to say anything until they get there. I found out last night that when she found out about the affair he threatened her to stop her from leaving.

muddypaws

Karen91 wrote: »

My OH and I have decided to keep our distance until things settle.

My SIL is coming home, she will be staying with her parents, her husband doesn't know shes leaving yet though. My FIL and my BIL are going to Germany tomorrow and they advised her not to say anything until they get there. I found out last night that when she found out about the affair he threatened her to stop her from leaving.

So it is possible that her attitude towards your pets, and the things she said were her way (or her husband's) of stopping the trip altogether, as when she's back home, surrounded by her family, she may have felt safe enough to tell people whats been going on, which it appears he didn't want. If she was indeed fearful of him, that fear can make people act in very strange ways. Also possible that she acted completely out of character as a cry for help, so that people would start to question what was going on, if she was too scared to be open about it, which seems to have worked.

I hope that it all works out for her and her child, and that bridges can be built with you and your husband.

sillysmiles

Karen, has the MIL said anything to you/your OH about her comments since?

Zanablue

Karen91 wrote: »

My OH and I have decided to keep our distance until things settle.

My SIL is coming home, she will be staying with her parents, her husband doesn't know shes leaving yet though. My FIL and my BIL are going to Germany tomorrow and they advised her not to say anything until they get there. I found out last night that when she found out about the affair he threatened her to stop her from leaving.

I have really enjoyed reading all the drama in this thread. I do agree that it is your house your rules and I wouldn't move my dog out for anyone. Your sister in law did say some terrible things which must have really hurt you.

Like you said keep your distance and let things settle and hopefully with a little understanding you might get an apology in the future. Families are such hard work! Hope everything works out.

Karen91

sillysmiles wrote: »

Karen, has the MIL said anything to you/your OH about her comments since?

No the MIL has been quiet through all this, but we don't expect an apoloy from her to be honest the MIL is a very stubborn woman the type who think they are right about everything!

We were out in a restaurant last mothers day with the MIL and FIL and my parents and she caused a drama because she claimed there was a funny taste from her sparkling water, we now avoid going to restaurants with her.

jivedude

Just let them realise how important the pets are to you, that they're part of your household.

Miaireland

I don't envy you with a mil like that.

I think you are both wise to take a step back and wait for the dust to settle for a while.

Things could get messy over in Germany so probably best to stay back for the moment.

Gatica

Linked here from the Wedding forum with the other epic thread... It's really progressed a lot since I started reading it a few days ago.

I like animals, but not as much up close as other people. I also get allergies, but I'd never ask someone to move their pet for me, I'd just make myself scarce if I found it started affecting my allergies or of they jump on me too much.
I'm also of the opinion that animals can get just as stressed about unfamiliar environments, as humans and would be unfair to a settled-in animal to be moved to an unfamiliar environment where they don't know that it's temporary or whether their owners would be coming back, it's not like they'd understand an explanation.

I've had pets growing up, but I was never very disciplined in taking care of them, so have chosen not to get any myself as it would be unfair on them.

I feel sorry for the SIL, being trapped by her OH in another country. However, as much as it is a reason for erratic behaviour, it's no excuse for being downright nasty. She probably will need time to get herself in order again, but she should definitely apologise at some stage in the future for taking it out on you.

My worry is with two fellas going over to rescue her it could take a bad turn with police and what-not involved... Just hope it gets resolved safely for everyone concerned.