Could I get Her Back? (Specific)

NotAlex

Hey,

I'll call myself Alex and her Sarah(fake names obviously)

I'm a 2nd year at college, she's in her 1st.(Different colleges) We'd been going out for six months and we just spilt up nine days ago. I ended it, because I knew she wasn't happy in the relationship. She said she stopped liking me and had not for the last month. She wanted it to end, but I asked could we give it another week to see if the relationship might reignite.

It didn't, but I surprised her at her house, one day, by randomly calling round to say hello when I was passing by on my way home. She really wasn't happy to see me. I just couldn't take it anymore. I was putting way more into the relationship than her and she just didn't seem to care anymore. So I ended it there and walked out.

I'm still gutted. I really liked her and she was really cool, but I understand it's not fair on her to be in a relationship with me if she no longer likes me in that way.

She said she still wants to be friends because she likes me and we get on, but lately I've been really down about this and between when we split up and a couple of days ago, I've been bombarding her with tons of stupid little questions that over analyse everything. I'd say that really pushed her further away. I've stopped now as I realise how silly that was, but, perhaps the most awful and ridiculous thing I did was to email her a keylogger so I could mess with her Facebook. (A Keylogger, for those who maybe don't know, is a tiny undetectable programme that records keystrokes on a persons computer and sends them to another person. You can get passwords and all that.)

Fortunately, it didn't install, but she found out it was me who'd did it and she forgave me, but I feel she probably won't fully trust me ever again. I know how terrible it was of me to do that and I've learnt a serious lesson and will never do anything like that again, but I was just so angry with her.

See, I got her Christmas presents, a Christmas card and even her friends cards when it was their birthdays when I was invited round for the parties, but nothing at all from her. I also occasionally bought her little random gifts. She also didn't wanna have to include me in her New Years plans, because I would get in the way of her being totally free to get ready with her girly friends and she'd then have to find lifts for me into town and all that. So in the end I went in my mates and met up with her later on. She just wouldn't put in any effort into out relationship. There's tons more examples of her lack of effort but those are a few that kinda hurt. I think I was a really good boyfriend and she didn't appreciate me. That's why I was so angry.

Anyway... Do you guys think there is any way I could get her back or what's your opinion on what I've depicted so far?

Cheers.

Taltos

Honestly OP - I think for your own well being you need to move on.

Right now you are tormenting her and yourself and you are doing more harm than good to how you feel about you. Put it down to experience and never repeat it but leave her the hell alone. You won't be friends now, how could you be, but at least you can start to rebuild some positive self-images. Maybe spend some time alone just having fun with your mates, but if you are still obsessing over her in a bit talk to your college counsellor, they are there to help.

strobe

Nope. No chance in hell. Move on. There's 3. 5 billion women in the world. Plenty of them just as cool and pretty and everything else this girl is. And loads more than that even cooler and prettier. When you meet the next one you'll forget all about this one. You're just torturing yourself. Move on.

tinz18

NotAlex wrote: »

She just wouldn't put in any effort into out relationship. There's tons more examples of her lack of effort but those are a few that kinda hurt. I think I was a really good boyfriend and she didn't appreciate me. That's why I was so angry.

Anyway... Do you guys think there is any way I could get her back or what's your opinion on what I've depicted so far?

Cheers.

OP tbh I'm failing to grasp why you want to get her back? By the sounds of it she wasn't a good girlfriend, ye were together 6 months and she took you forgranted. She clearly doesn't want to go out with you and you'll just hurt yourself more if you attempt any reconcilation. My advice is to move on, get out and about and enjoy yourself and when the time is right you'll meet someone else. Don't consider being friends with her until you are sure you no longer have any feelings for her.

I would see a college counsellor maybe to address the anger and obsession issues though- sending a keylogger is a pretty creepy thing to do someone - there's no excuse for it, it's unnecessary (plus it gets picked up as malware on computers). I've been that angry myself after a breakup but you should always strive to come out of a relationship with your dignity intact- what you did just made you look bad and petty.

Stavro Mueller

You sound like one of those weirdo stalker types quite frankly. Thank God your ex didn't install that keylogger. I'm sorry but that is scumbag behaviour and if sometime did that to me I'd hate them forever.

For your own sake you need to cut contact with this girl. The relationship was going nowhere and your behaviour since then is doing nothing but confirming to her that breaking up was the right thing to do. All this talk of remaining friends is hogwash. You don't want to be her friend. Block her number on your phone, unfriend her on Facebook, get rid of her on viber/whatsapp etc. Seeing as you've got these stalker tendencies, being able to monitor her on FB and checking when she was last online on whatsapp will melt your head.

I agree with the poster above me regarding counselling. I think you need it because your way of behaving isn't healthy.

Littlekittylou

NotAlex wrote: »

I've been bombarding her with tons of stupid little questions that over analyse everything. I'd say that really pushed her further away. I've stopped now as I realise how silly that was, but, perhaps the most awful and ridiculous thing I did was to email her a keylogger so I could mess with her Facebook. (A Keylogger, for those who maybe don't know, is a tiny undetectable programme that records keystrokes on a persons computer and sends them to another person. You can get passwords and all that.)

Fortunately, it didn't install, but she found out it was me who'd did it and she forgave me, but I feel she probably won't fully trust me ever again.

Cheers.

That is completely illegal. You realize that don't you?


To send a keylogger to someone else's computer without their knowledge is illegal whether it installs or not.

You have broken the law.

If i was her I would be terrified of you. I would be terrified you if you managed it and sold passwords or whatever. She has a right to be legitimately perturbed by such behaviors.

Keyloggers are only remotely installed by trojans or malware. So you must have sent her either a trojan or some other virus program. That is completely illegal. keyloggers are an ideal vehicle for fraud, as they allow fraudsters to radiate trojans out via sophisticated bulk emailers and sit back for unwary recipients to click on the links and unwittingly install the keylogging malware on their Windows-driven machines. It wasn't that she didn't install it knowingly either she didn't click on the link for some reason ..or her computer has adequate security software to deal with it.

But you have to realize you have broken the law here.



Maybe posters don't realize what you have done is completely illegal but it is. It's illegal and immoral. You are going to get yourself into serious trouble.



Your illness is going to harm others and yourself. You need to stop and seek some help. You should not be in a relationship with this girl or anyone right now. You need to heal yourself first.

Littlekittylou

By the way she should still download spyhunter or something similar and remove it. She needs to check her PC.

Good Lord actually if that PC has other users you could have had access to credit card numbers and lord knows what else!

She absolutely needs to have that PC checked.

Neyite

You've done all that in 9 days??

You are lucky you haven't had a visit from the Gardai. But you keep on going, you will. Her family and friends will convince her to report you. If that happens, it could make your life very hard for instance, trying to get Garda clearance for a job, or for a visa to holiday or live elsewhere, or even asking a girl out in college down the line. It might even cause problems in college itself.

It is harassment. It is stalking behaviour. You need to stop now.

DeltaWhite

This may be harsh but I think you need a harsh talking to!

I am not surprised she stopped liking you.

You sound seriously and scarily intense..

1. She didn't want you included in NYE celebrations so she could be "free" to get ready with her girls...
2. After suggesting to you that she wanted to end it, you then turned up at her door to surprise her. Not cool. Sounds like her mind was already made up at that stage so of course she wasn't happy to see you.
3. You bought her friends birthday cards? What's that about? I've never heard of someones bf doing that!

And worst of all is your stalker behaviour.. I've never heard of that keylogger thing until now. What were you thinking?

Because you were angry?? Jesus H Christ OP. I can certainly assure you, without having met the girl ever, she will never get back with you. You need to get that notion out of your head.

There is no shame in speaking to a counsellor. I go once a week to deal with my own anger issues and I swear by it. You definitely need to speak to someone. Not someone close to you because you need to be told straight out that your behaviour was not acceptable.

I would actually be scared of you now if I were her. Leave her be.

giggle84

+1 to all of the above responses. I hope they knock some sense into you.

Leave this girl alone, do not contact her again ever. Then she might forget that you attempted to hack her computer and not call the guards.

Speak to a friend or a parent or a counsellor, anyone, because your behaviour both in and out of this relationship was/is not appropriate and you obviously have issues that need to be addressed.

Aside from all of the harsh words here.. you're young, you will get over her and you will hopefully learn from this and behave better in your next relationship.

ElleEm

I echo what everyone else says. You are coming across as very intense and although you may mean well, your actions are quite controlling. Your ex girlfriend decided she did not want to be with you. You should hear that, and respect her decision. In 9 days, you appear to have gone through a range of behaviours and emotions. There is no way you have adequately processed all of this. Re read the responses here and please take some time to assess your behaviours and really think about how you have acted. Leave your ex alone. Relationships shouldn't be that hard so it wasn't meant to be.

NotAlex

Well thank you all for taking the time to give me replies.

I know for sure that I was immorally, ethically and illegally wrong with the keylogger thing and it will never happen again, because I have learnt a hard lesson. I for sure have gone through a large range of emotions over these last few days, down to it being my first proper breakup and that I'm a fairly emotional person.

I'm trying to work on that. I don't think I'm controlling and although the whole keylogger thing came across as such, I really just wanted to mess with her Facebook. Which is totally not on and I wish I never did it for multiple reasons. I certainly wasn't controlling the relationship, if you asked her I think she would say the same. We both enjoyed our time together and we both said so, but things just didn't work out and I took it personally and lashed out in a completely inappropriate manner with the keylogger.

Seeing a counsellor a few times might not be a bad idea. A lot of people can benefit from that.

...and DeltaWhite we were still together when I called round. I ended it that day, when I realised that she was unhappy for it to continue. Sorry if that was unclear.

Tokyo

NotAlex wrote: »

Seeing a counsellor a few times might not be a bad idea. A lot of people can benefit from that.

I think that this may be a very good idea OP, and if you are in college, then they should have a counselling service that you can avail of, and they'll have dealt with relationship issues between students beforehand, so it will be nothing new to them.

We all do silly things for the sake of relationships, even moreso when we're younger, but what you have described above is at best, downright unhealthy, and under a less positive light, is leaning towards stalker territory. You're 'surprising' her at home when she doesn't expect you, and whether you realise that sending her a key logger is a bad idea now or not, at one stage you didn't see a problem with this - as mentioned above, many other people would have called the police, or college security. You're in 2nd year - the last thing you want is to spend the rest of your college life known for this kind of approach - talk to someone who can help you and nip it in the bud now.

One final suggestion, which will probably be the hardest to take seeing how you feel about this person, but give her space. You've put her in an uncomfortable position, and even though she says she still wants to be friends, things may not pan out that way. If she does want friendship, then stop trying to always be there for her and let her establish it on her terms. And if she doesn't, then let it go.

RossFixxxed

Littlekittylou wrote: »

That is completely illegal. You realize that don't you?

You're absolutely right on this, and the OP should take note. I never copped it when I read the OP myself. It seems obvious now, but I was so taken aback by the creepy invasion of privacy I overlooked it. She could well pursue this with the Gardaí and she has proof in the email that the OP sent. That could go wrong.

Even if she tells other people chances are they will have the say reaction that I did. It's creepy, underhand, sly, horrible, creepy (again) and downright wrong. You have exactly 0% right to read anything she does on her PC.

You need counselling at the very least, maybe a psychiatrist. This has escalated madly, rather than being a painful learning experience, it has become the route to becoming a complete creep. If anyone I know did that to me I would never, ever speak to them again, I would feel invaded and it completely violates my privacy and personal life. How would you like me reading your internet history to everyone on Boards, or reading the last thing you wrote in your journal, or your private FB messages?

Sleepless and Manic

NotAlex wrote: »

I for sure have gone through a large range of emotions over these last few days, down to it being my first proper breakup and that I'm a fairly emotional person.

I'm sorry this is your first! Poor guy.

Breakups can be so bad you can be physically sick. Breakups can be the most awful emotional nightmare you ever go through. Hellish. And its hard to get sympathy too or explain to others how bad it is. It can feel like your whole world has been ruined. When a relative dies people are sympathetic but when a relationship breaks up everyone just says "oh too bad", and thats about it. But it can be as gut wrenchingly bad as a death. You need time to grieve. I've gone through breakups where I've had panic attacks, insomnia, depression etc. It does get better and it does go away though.

The thing is.... And you'll see this advice given all over these boards.ie, the only way to get past it and move on is to cut contact completely. Completely. And I totally understand how bad it feels, you're probably making up some excuses right now.

Its the only way. Of course you'll be tormented by "what if's" but you just have to try and put all thoughts of her aside. No contact, nothing. Eventually she will be a memory, and hopefully a good happy memory. Time really does heal. As long as you dont over do it now.

Counseling is a great idea.

Matteroffact

The best thing you can do now OP is to keep away from her. Whatever mistakes you made with this girl will have a better chance of being forgotten if you stay away from her. Your self esteem has taken a blow but do not let this keep you down. You are worth more than this. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself down and start over again, but this time do not rely on a woman to feed your self esteem. Just remember you are a wonderful human being and you don't need to get this girl back to prove that. You are out on your own and don't forget it. Don't waste another minute wishing to get this girl back, she is not meant for you. Save yourself for someone who will appreciate you for who you are and just put all of this down to a bad experience which will help you to chose better the next time around.