6th Year won't go to school what to do?

iamtheonewho

My cousin is in 6th year and hasn't been going to school for god knows how long, my aunt has been constantly lying about her going to the rest of the family.

We (me and my mother) have been previously concerned about the fact that she might be staying at home (about 2 months ago) but they assured us that is not the case. Until yesterday, when my mum got a call from my cousins school saying that she hasn't shown up to school at all and hasn't returned a form for the LC exams (it was the last day to return it).

Today they had teachers come into their home to talk about everything and they said they think she might have depression, so my aunt is going to get my cousin to go to the psychologist through a GP (which in our county is a 6 month wait to get to if not more).

The thing is, our family really cares about the whole situation, but we have no idea how to help. I've tried talking to my cousin and she always agrees with me that she needs to go to school, and she tells me that she is studying hard and going but that is obviously not the case. I think a big part of the problem is that she might not have any friends in school but there is no way we could do anything about that....

Has anyone been through something like this and could give some advice?

lazygal

Is there any chance she can write off doing the LC at this late stage, get help for whatever difficulties she has, and then enroll in a different school for the LC next year?

pwurple

The school should be able to help with this if you ask about options for support. Your cousin may be able to talk to people who have been through the same thing.

I know a teenager who was in a similar situation 2 years ago, started going to SCALA meetings in Cork. There were loads of other teenagers there, he sat his LC and is in 3rd level now. There may be some youth support groups near you.

Big Bag of Chips

Why did the school ring your mam, about your cousin? Does your cousin want to go to school? Does she want to do her leaving? Or is she just telling people what she thinks they want to hear? School and the leaving cert etc isn't for everyone. There are other ways that she can start a career or even in a few years go back to education and sit her leaving cert.

I don't doubt that you are concerned for your cousin and you want what's best for her. But maybe instead of telling her what's best for her people need to start listening to what she thinks is best for her.

She may need treatment for something, she may just need to step away from education for a while. She may go back, she may start a job. But either way people need to be supportive and offer guidance without being too interfering!

It's a difficult balance, but it is possible.

iamtheonewho

Her future plan is to study in America, since she has found a bf online and he is asking her to move in with him and his family. The thing is our family has no funds available even for one semester there. (she wants to get a loan which is not a good idea at all) We also realise that it would be dangerous to go there, since we don't really know who these people are.
Then again to study in America you need good LC grades which she won't get if she'll continue to be like this.
Right now her plan as far as she says is to do the LC this year, she hasn't applied for CAO as she wants to work next year and then the year after apply to America.

I think doing the LC next year wouldn't really be a good idea as the topics for English and Accounting would change and it'll be more difficult for her.

The school rang my mum because my aunt wouldn't answer it as I would assume she is fed up dealing with this...

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I don't mean any disrespect to you but I think you (as a family) are far too involved. Why should her going to America make a financial difference to your family? Why does it matter whether you think her getting a loan is a bad idea?

The school had no right contacting your mother. And to be honest if I was HER mother I would be telling them as much. Like it or not her choices should have zero affect on your life, or your mother's. The only people who may be directly affected by what she does is her own family, as in her mother, father, siblings etc.

It's nobody else's business.

I have cousins who didn't do their leaving. I have a cousin who failed their leaving and repeated certain exams. You know what.... It has absolutely zero affect on my life, and all of them are getting by. The one who failed their leaving is in a great job and travels the world regularly.

Plenty people repeat, I did it myself and did a whole new English course... And got an A (in higher level!!)

You cousin will find her own path. It might not be the one you all think she should take, but she'll get there in her own time. And if she doesn't.... It's not going to affect you or your mam, so maybe back off a little.

lazygal

She sounds like she has her head in the clouds. Does she know how much it costs to go to college in the USA, never mind the LC grades? Does she know she'll take on student loans that she probably won't clear until she's well into her 30s to pay for it?
This BF stuff sounds very fishy too. Is her mother aware of the girl's plans? I was a pretty naïve 18 year old but even I knew there was no way moving thousands of miles away to live with someone I never met and pay thousands in college fees was going to happen.
I don't think everyone is cut out for the LC. I went to a grind school for sixth year and half of the pupils were repeat students (not me), many of whom just couldn't get their act together in a normal school setting. I'm not saying that's the answer for her, but just because topics change doesn't mean she can't put off the LC for a year if she really isn't going to make the best of it this year.

lazygal

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OP, I don't mean any disrespect to you but I think you (as a family) are far too involved. Why should her going to America make a financial difference to your family? Why does it matter whether you think her getting a loan is a bad idea?

The school had no right contacting your mother. And to be honest if I was HER mother I would be telling them as much. Like it or not her choices should have zero affect on your life, or your mother's. The only people who may be directly affected by what she does is her own family, as in her mother, father, siblings etc.

It's nobody else's business.

I have cousins who didn't do their leaving. I have a cousin who failed their leaving and repeated certain exams. You know what.... All of them are getting by. The one who failed their leaving is in a great job and travels the world regularly.

Plenty people repeat, I did it myself and did a whole new English course... And got an A (in higher level!!)

You cousin will find her own path. It might not be the one you all think she should take, but she'll get there in her own time. And if she doesn't.... It's not going to affect you or your mam, so maybe back off a little.

And also this. It sounds quite suffocating to have so many people involved. I question the school contacting your mother too - is she down as a next of kin or something?

Nonoperational

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OP, I don't mean any disrespect to you but I think you (as a family) are far too involved. Why should her going to America make a financial difference to your family? Why does it matter whether you think her getting a loan is a bad idea?

The school had no right contacting your mother. And to be honest if I was HER mother I would be telling them as much. Like it or not her choices should have zero affect on your life, or your mother's. The only people who may be directly affected by what she does is her own family, as in her mother, father, siblings etc.

It's nobody else's business.

I have cousins who didn't do their leaving. I have a cousin who failed their leaving and repeated certain exams. You know what.... All of them are getting by. The one who failed their leaving is in a great job and travels the world regularly.

Plenty people repeat, I did it myself and did a whole new English course... And got an A (in higher level!!)

You cousin will find her own path. It might not be the one you all think she should take, but she'll get there in her own time. And if she doesn't.... It's not going to affect you or your mam, so maybe back off a little.

Or she may also just need some straight up advice about the potential issues with dropping out of school and moving in with her internet boyfriend in the USA. Sounds like an ill thought out move to me.

iamtheonewho

Well in my opinion I think we have every right to be involved since we are family.
I don't think it would be smart to leave her be with my aunt who just tells her to 'do whatever since it is her life' and not pick up the phone when the school is constantly calling.

I think there's still loads of time before the LC and I want to try discuss this with her, at least try. I know everyone has a different path, but being so close I think she'll be blaming herself after for giving up.

And also if anything happens we'd be the ones to blame since we are family and family is meant to stick up for one another.

Penny Tration

iamtheonewho wrote: »

Well in my opinion I think we have every right to be involved since we are family.
I don't think it would be smart to leave her be with my aunt who just tells her to 'do whatever since it is her life' and not pick up the phone when the school is constantly calling.

I think there's still loads of time before the LC and I want to try discuss this with her, at least try. I know everyone has a different path, but being so close I think she'll be blaming herself after for giving up.

And also if anything happens we'd be the ones to blame since we are family and family is meant to stick up for one another.

You're her cousin, not her mother. Your mother is her aunt, not her mother.

You cannot dictate what this girl does with her life.

You say you spoke to her about the importance of her studying and going to school - what about letting her speak? Letting her talk to you about whatever issues she has, especially if you all think she's depressed?

Maybe she just doesn't want to do the leaving cert, or isn't ready yet.

It's not your decision, or your mother's.

The school was completely out of order ringing your mother unless she's down as next of kin.

With regards to the online boyfriend - that'll probably fade away in time. But obviously, she should not be going to live with some random bloke she doesn't know.

However, once she's 18, that's her decision.

Big Bag of Chips

At 15 I had a row with my mother, I'm sure over some trivial teenage thing. My plan was to move out as soon as I was 18 and bring my younger brother with me so that he wouldn't have to listen to my mother in his teens. I'd take care of him.

Needless to say that plan didn't work out for me!

Your cousin is talking about moving to America to study. She hasn't done any exams that would get her in to any college. She has no savings or money to go. She hasn't bought a ticket... For now it's a plan! And a plan that everyone around her knows is very unlikely to ever go any further than the talk stage.

How old are you OP? I assume you're roughly the same age? You and your cousin are young. Little or no life experience, but both at an age where you think you have it all sussed!

Trust me, 20 years from now you'll still be figuring it out, and you will smile at the you of 20 years earlier who thought you knew it all!!

Edit: I wonder did the school ring your mother, or did your mother ring the school?

lazygal

iamtheonewho wrote: »

Well in my opinion I think we have every right to be involved since we are family.
I don't think it would be smart to leave her be with my aunt who just tells her to 'do whatever since it is her life' and not pick up the phone when the school is constantly calling.

I think there's still loads of time before the LC and I want to try discuss this with her, at least try. I know everyone has a different path, but being so close I think she'll be blaming herself after for giving up.

And also if anything happens we'd be the ones to blame since we are family and family is meant to stick up for one another.

Being family doesn't mean you have the right to sit your cousin down for a talking to. I would let her make her own mistakes. Not everyone is ready for the leaving cert and maybe some cold hard life experience will allow her to decide what she wants, rather than others telling her they know best. Unsolicited advice is not usually helpful or welcome.

iamtheonewho

Yes my mum is next of kin since you all are so concerned that she got a call from the school..

Like.. I don't know, I get what you're all saying, but we are in no way trying to dictate what she needs to do. It is obviously her decision but it is also obvious that she is focused on one thing only and isn't looking at the broader picture.

I was planning to go over to her house to talk over things but now reading these replies I don't know if it is a good decision anymore, all I want is the best for her.. And i don't think the best right now is sitting at home playing computer games and chatting with her online boyfriend.

lazygal

Look you want to help but going over to dictate what the right path is in life for her won't help in the slightest. Even at my age getting unasked for advice gets my back up and I don't regard it as helpful. If she asks for help, then step in otherwise leave her to make her choices and live with the consequences. She'll learn herself in time

Big Bag of Chips

How is your mother her next of kin? Her own mother is alive? If your mother is so involved in her life and her schooling why weren't the school in constant contact with her all the time your cousin has been absent?

Your story isn't adding up, OP, and I think that is because you are not being given all the information from your family.

Leave your cousin alone. She's not going to America. She won't be given a loan because she has no income or no way of repaying it. How about instead of being one of the adults telling her how she's getting it all wrong, you just be a friend who talks to her. Without mentioning school!

coffee_cake

If she has depression or is slipping into it, lectures about the LC are not going to help and she is going to retreat back into fantasy land on the computer games and ignoring reality.
She may need help, and it's time for you guys to listen if she wants to talk, do follow up on her seeing a psych or a private counsellor, and then you back off

lulu1

HI Op It's really great that you are so close as a family and I assume that the school contacted your mum because that was the second contact no they had. I think it is really up to the girl herself if she wants to go to school she is 17 or 18 you can only advise her as I am sure she knows the score. Op for a teacher to come into the girls home and diagnose her with depression there an then is not on Reading between the lines I think maybe your aunt has some problems and that is why the girl is missing so much school. OP this family is not your responsibility much as you think they are. Talk to her by all means and if she choses to ignore you then so be it. I would defo put her off going to America to live with a boy she has never even met and if her mum knows about this and says nothing well there is a problem somewhere. OP you are too young to be worrying about cousins I would let them get on with it

iamtheonewho

They've got hardly any money to get by - let alone get a private counsellor.
As i said through a GP it would take a long time to get to see one.

Without a Leaving Cert it's going to be really difficult to get a job next year as I myself am doing a gap year right now and can't get a job even with the LC done.

I'm afraid that her realising too late that her plan is not realistic and her not getting a job or getting to see a counsellor soon enough will get her even more depressed and she'll just end up losing all her motivation.

One eyed Jack

It sounds to me OP like there's a lot more issues going on in this girl's life that are contributing to her reluctance to attend school and escape into a world of complete fantasy with her online 'boyfriend'.

If her parents aren't particularly concerned with what their daughter does with her life, then unfortunately there's not a whole lot either you or your mum can do to help in that situation. Of course this may not be acceptable to you, but unfortunately there really isn't any way to encourage this girl out of her fantasy world until she wants to come out of it herself.

That will only happen when she realises she has no options open to her with regard to education, finances, travel, employment, etc. It's an understandably frustrating situation for everyone else involved but all you can do is be there to offer her your support if and when she asks for it herself.

lulu1

bluewolf wrote: »

If she has depression or is slipping into it, lectures about the LC are not going to help and she is going to retreat back into fantasy land on the computer games and ignoring reality.
She may need help, and it's time for you guys to listen if she wants to talk, do follow up on her seeing a psych or a private counsellor, and then you back off

As far as I can make out it was the teacher mentioned depression it has not been diagnosed by a doctor and now op is worrying about finding the money to see a counseller.

Big Bag of Chips

iamtheonewho wrote: »

They've got hardly any money to get by - let alone get a private counsellor.

Well then she's not going to America.

She can go to her GP to talk. It doesn't have to be a psychiatrist or psychologist or psychotherapist. If the GP finds that she is depressed he can prescribe her something and possibly refer her to someone for further therapy, but she can be taking medication in the meantime.

Once again OP, you mean well but your story has loads of holes in it. And I'm guessing it's because you are getting second, even third hand information.. And we all know how versions can change depending on who tells the story. Unless you witnessed each of the exchanges you have told us about you can't know what was said. Unless you see something with your own eyes then you shouldn't take it as gospel.

Worrying about your cousin and pointing out everything she's doing wrong isn't going to fix this. I'd say she hates seeing you coming... And that's not an attack on you. I get the impression you are good friends and grew up together? I'd guess your cousin misses that relationship you used to have, and would like to get some of that back, rather than a lecture of "We know best" whenever she sees you.

coffee_cake

Yes getting her to talk to her GP as a first stage would be a good idea
Even if it's not depression itself, she may feel overwhelmed, be going through something else - who knows - and a talk to a professional who has no family connection or anything may help a lot
Coming up with mad ideas about moving far away is fairly typical escapism

Big Bag of Chips

By the way there are free/cheap community services for psychiatric services. My brother in law got an apt within 2 weeks of looking for one. There are support groups that meet weekly etc. She hasn't even gone to the GP and you (pl) are deciding it will take months. At least let her talk to the GP first before you all start rubbishing the idea!

You are young, OP, and don't really know or understand what is going on with your cousin. You're listening to your family who seem to be equally ill informed and you are all coming up with your own expert advice based on your own assumptions.

Whether you believe it or not you and your mother have no right to dictate to this girl and her mother what they should or shouldn't be doing. Depending on how old the girl is, and I'm assuming she is pretty near to 18, you'll find her mother has very little say in her life either. She can advise or recommend but ultimately it is your cousin's life to live. We all want the best for the people we care about. But as someone else mentioned, there comes a time when you have to step back and let people make their own mistakes. She will only really learn by living her life and getting things wrong. She will never learn if she has people holding her hand and guiding her through the life that they think she should live.

We all thought we had it sorted when we were teenagers. We all went on to make silly mistakes and decisions. But that's what growing up and becoming an independent adult is all about. It's how we figure it out. And we all made it through to the other side, reasonably unscathed!

Neyite

The wider family - you and your mother, and other assorted aunts and cousins, need to back off. You might be related, but you are seriously overstepping here. If any of my sons aunts and uncles tried to dictate with regard to my parenting to the point of discussing it with schools behind my back, I'd be absolutely furious.

It sounds like your mother has gotten far more worked up about this than is appropriate and some of it has rubbed off on you.

Your cousins mother has the right idea, imo. Her daughter thinks she knows it all (we all did at that age!). She has plans that her mother knows wont get off the ground, her mother knows that at that age, on the cusp of adulthood, she will do whatever she wants to do regardless.

So she is letting her off.

Letting her daughter find out for herself how impractical her plans are - she'll go and apply for a loan and get turned down everywhere, because these days, even people with a job have difficulty getting credit. She'll apply to US colleges and get turned down because her grades are not up to par. Her US boyfriend might find that his parents are none too happy to put up with a teen from Ireland they dont know with zero income and prospects. And there is no social welfare there either for her to avail of.

She wont get a student visa because she is not a student, she cant go to work over there because the visas for that are even harder to get. She might be able to apply for a holiday visa but you have to state where you are staying and have a return ticket. So she might get that. But wont have any money for the air fare. Her online boyfriend will, before long, move on to a real life partner when there is no sign of her arriving.

So, her plans will fail, she will grow up a bit, get her heart broken a bit, learn from it, and go back to do her LC next year. And in years to come, when she is my age with kids of her own, she'll have a laugh with her mum about her teen years and that mad time she thought she was going to become a freshman in UCLA or wherever.

Her mum knows this. And is biding her time.

Your job is to be her friend, not her mum. Listen to her as a friend, even help her with her applications. Be there when it all goes tits up for her, because it will. Mop up her tears when Chad dumps her and reassure her she dodged a bullet there anyway. Look into ways for her - when she is ready - to return to her education. Because she will.

iamtheonewho

All families are different, just because you consider cousins to be 'distant family' doesn't mean that that is the case. My mum and my aunt are extremely close (like call one another more than 2 times a day to talk for an hour close) and so am I with my cousin - we've grown up together, at one point lived together, so we're almost like real sisters.

My cousin WANTS to do her leaving cert this year, but she DOESN'T WANT to go to school and I don't know her reasons for this if there is bullying going on etc. She told her mum that she can't concentrate in a class of 30 students (this was never a problem before).

She wants to study at home by herself, which is difficult without having someone there to explain everything. Also as I said she spends most (if not all) of her time on her laptop playing games or talking to her bf. I think this has affected her the most since she never skipped school before or had trouble concentrating or any of this.

I want to highlight that I want what's the best for her i don't mind if she doesn't want to do her LC, I know myself that some people get on just fine without it.

She is not a person who would talk about her problems or ask for help ever (not even her mum) this is why I'm not just going to wait until she asks for my help since she never will. But I don't know how to approach her as she always says everything is fine.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, you just have to accept that there is little you CAN do. It doesn't matter how close you and her are, or how close your mams are. My husband's family would be a bit like you're describing. He has 2 sisters who live in each others' pockets.... But there is still a line that they don't cross. And interfering in another person's parenting is crossing that line. (And indeed they have fallen out over the years when one of them oversteps that boundary) Her mother has decided to let her figure it out herself. You and your mam have to accept that.

To be honest, even the fact that you posted this in the parenting section is very telling. You could have posted in Personal Issues, or the Leaving Cert forum etc but instead you chose Parenting. You are not this girl's parent. You are her peer. And to be honest, if you dropped the parental attitude and talked to her as a peer you might have a better chance of getting through to her.

lulu1

OP Dont take offence to this but this closeness that you talk about is clearly one sided. If your cousin and her mother felt the same you would know the whole story. Time goes on and people change and I think you are trying to hold on to the closeness you once had. Move on op and live your own life and let your cousin and her mother live theirs whatever way they see fit.

Stavro Mueller

iamtheonewho wrote: »

All families are different, just because you consider cousins to be 'distant family' doesn't mean that that is the case. My mum and my aunt are extremely close (like call one another more than 2 times a day to talk for an hour close) and so am I with my cousin.

Yes but that doesn't give you the right to stick your oar into an issue that actually isn't any of your business. This should only be something between your cousin and her mother, with you and your mum staying the hell out of things unless you're asked for help. In my family, my mum and her sisters are close but they've never ever crossed the line and poked their noses into the parental side of things. I think your sense of boundaries is off.

She is not a person who would talk about her problems or ask for help ever (not even her mum) this is why I'm not just going to wait until she asks for my help since she never will. But I don't know how to approach her as she always says everything is fine.

So what makes you think that you going over to her house and pontificating at her is going to make any difference? I'm a far more mature and tolerant person than I was at your cousin's age and even now, your posts are making me bristle. If you insist on pontificating at your cousin, expect her to (a) unceremoniously tell you to fook off (b) do the exact opposite to what you tell her and (c) withdraw further into her world and shut you out.

There are clearly issues with your cousin but you are not the person who's equipped to deal with them. There are ways and means of getting people to open up but that's something best left to the professionals. If you and your mother feel you need to get so involved in her welfare, how about putting up some money towards a private counsellor?

What your cousin needs isn't you telling her things she already knows. If the time comes when she wants to talk to someone, she's not going to confide in you if it turns out you were right all along. I've the feeling that your cousin will need to feck up some things before the penny drops. It'd be far more rewarding for you then to be the friendly face who guides her back to the right path.

LegacyUser

OP one of the hardest things to learn in life is how to step back and say nothing.I know you think you can help her and that you can talk to her about it, but to put it bluntly, it's not your place. You have really got no input in this, and I'm afraid there's no way for you to aproach this.I know exactly how you are thinking about it but seriously, the actual workings of the real world will stop her in her tracks.And at the end of the day, it is simply not your problem whether or not she does her LC.Furthermore, it's not your mum's problem either.I am very very close to my extended family but have learned that those ties only go so far.You may be a family at large, but you are also individual family units within that; each family unit does things differently. You need to respect that means that this is not
your business to be involved in.Your mum can express opinions on it, but that's as far as it goes.It's not up to her to influence what this girl does.Your best bet here is to simply continue as you were;if your cousin wants to speak to you about it, she will but otherwise, leave it alone.

equivariant

bluewolf wrote: »

If she has depression or is slipping into it, lectures about the LC are not going to help and she is going to retreat back into fantasy land on the computer games and ignoring reality.
She may need help, and it's time for you guys to listen if she wants to talk, do follow up on her seeing a psych or a private counsellor, and then you back off

This. If she really has depression then the LC is the least of her problems. Also, if she has depression then almost certainly she will need more than just a chat with some family to fix it. Its a serious illness and needs expert medical attention. In saying that, a person suffering from depression does really need a lot of support from family - but they almost certainly need more than that.