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Would love an opinion on this

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  • 09-02-2015 7:59pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I would really appreciate some views on this. First of all I am not a parent myself. My partner and I were babysitting my two nephews (6 yrs and 8 yrs) in our home for the weekend while their parents attended a funeral overseas.

    A situation occurred as we were getting them ready for bed. Both boys were drawing when my partner started to tickle the 6 year old. With all the laughing he threw the pen he had in his hand and it just so happened to hit me in the face. There was no malice, it clearly wasn’t aimed at me so I gave him a cheery ‘Oi’! to show that I was absolutely fine.
    My partner however decided to give out to him for throwing the pen and the child burst into tears as a result. I sat down beside him trying to comfort him and saying that there was no need to be upset as nobody was hurt and my partner threw his eyes to heaven and stomped off.

    Once the children were settled, I questioned my partner on his reaction. He stated that the child should have been given out too and I shouldn’t have comforted them when they started to cry . I totally disagreed and said that I was not going to allow the child to go to bed upset over something so silly.

    Next morning, my partner got up, got his own breakfast stating that he could hear the children moving about since half 7. When the kids got up, he barely acknowledged them and left the room. He threw himself down on the bed in our bedroom and I was left to get the boys breakfast and get them washed and dressed as we were meeting other family members. We left the house without him and I had to make excuses for him not been with us.

    The whole situation has really made me look at our relationship and whether or not I really want this person as a husband or as a father to my own children in the future. If this is the way he is going to react to every silly situation that arises, I will end up rearing our future kids on my own as he will be too busy sulking.

    Am I the one who is overreacting here?


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    #2
    December2012
    Registered Users Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    did you ask him to come with you? Was he supposed to be spending the day with you?

    The communication seems very off.


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    #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    He was supposed to be going with us as we were both minding the children. I did not ask him to come.


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    #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    December2012 wrote: »
    did you ask him to come with you? Was he supposed to be spending the day with you?

    The communication seems very off.

    I don't understand what that has to do with anything?
    Him not attending the meeting is only one part of the story!

    Imo he over reacted to the pen throwing.
    Is he used to kids? Is he normally good with them?
    It was an accident fgs it's not like the child kicked a shoe through the television screen or something!!
    So I think you were right to comfort the child and he either knows that and is too stubborn to admit it or he genuinely believes he was right to give out to a child for feck all and sees you as under mining his authority. Neither of those are healthy scenarios are they?
    So then he decides to sulk and cut you and the kids off for the next day. The kids are probably confused as to why Uncle was one minute all smiles and tickles and then turning nasty.
    Yes I suppose you could've gone in and begged him to help with the kids and attend the event but why should you?
    There's two ways to deal with a sulk in my opinion, ignore them until they are ready to behave like an adult and have a conversation or confront them head on. But when you've small kids in the house who need supervision and attention the confrontation confrontational rroute is not always convenient So I can totally understand why you got on with your day without him.

    Now as foR questioning your relationship with him, well does he normally sulk like this if you have a disagreement? Does he get short over minor things normally?
    Taking it upon himself to discipline a child who's not even his own over a minor accident seems ridiculous to me But anyone can have an off moment when it comes to kids especially if they're not used to having them Around. But his subsequent behaviour suggests a bully and a control freak. Obviously I don't like to character assinate the man Based on one story but sadly it seems this is more than an argument about the best way to deal with a tickle game!


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    #5
    December2012
    Registered Users Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    You're as bad as each other then.

    You should have both spoke to each other and made up, it's not that big a deal to give him the silent treatment, nor fir him to leave you to it.


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    #6
    2xj3hplqgsbkym
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,181 ✭✭✭2xj3hplqgsbkym


    He sounds extremely childish and was certainly wrong to give out to the child for an accident and upset him, especially when his parents were away. Also to tell you that you were wrong for comforting the child sounds extreme.
    Does he have issues with his own parents?
    Does he like children?
    Is he generally very jealous?
    I would have serious concerns.


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    #7
    connected1
    Registered Users Posts: 127 ✭✭connected1


    What jumped out at me from this post was you saying that he was tickling the child - I thought that this was what you were asking an opinion on. I think that tickling is a real invasion of a child's personall space. I'd be very unhappy to leave my child with anyone if i thought that their partner was going to do this. Sorry if it's off topic, but it occurs to me that it might have something to do with him over reacting?


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    #8
    2xj3hplqgsbkym
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,181 ✭✭✭2xj3hplqgsbkym


    connected1 wrote: »
    What jumped out at me from this post was you saying that he was tickling the child - I thought that this was what you were asking an opinion on. I think that tickling is a real invasion of a child's personall space. I'd be very unhappy to leave my child with anyone if i thought that their partner was going to do this. Sorry if it's off topic, but it occurs to me that it might have something to do with him over reacting?

    When I am minding my friends kids I tickle them, it makes them laugh. I tickle my own kids, it makes them laugh. If they don't like it, I stop. I don't see how tickling is the problem here.


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    #9
    connected1
    Registered Users Posts: 127 ✭✭connected1


    No problem with you tickling your kids, or even your friend's children. But would you be happy if you left your children with your friend and someone else was tickling them? Ok i have to admit that I'm sensitive about this cos i was abused as a child and it started off with me being tickled. So when i read that in the opening post of course to me that was a red flag. I never let my partner start tickling any of my nieces and nephews, no matter how much they love him cos I just don't think it's appropriate. And given my history that's understandable. But I thought most parents would feel the same way even without having gone through a bad experience? Sorry I know I've gone off topic


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    #10
    Sligo1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,948 ✭✭✭Sligo1


    Tbh OP I think your OH has completely overreacted here. If he was tickling the child and because of this the child threw the pen it obviously wasn't the child's fault. It was obviously a complete accident. And the child shouldn't have been told off for this.

    Perhaps your partner got the huff because he didn't feel you supported his actions. And he wanted to be seen as a united front so to speak. But tbh, imo he was wrong to give out to the child and I think you were right to comfort your nephew before bedtime.

    I do think there is a need for communication however. Him sulking in the bedroom while you take care of your nephews is completely and utterly immature. However, you could have perhaps at least asked him to come with you and test the water. If he still sulked after that I would've left him to it.


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    #11
    highly1111
    Registered Users Posts: 967 ✭✭✭highly1111


    I would be concerned. But i wouldn't go doubting your whole relationship as it sounds like you guys need to communicate. Is it possible that for some reason he thought there was some malice?? You guys need to talk.

    Finally he may have been a little jealous (childish) of you having such fun with the kids. He may be questioning his future too if you automatically sided with the kids - from his viewpoint.


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    #12
    2xj3hplqgsbkym
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,181 ✭✭✭2xj3hplqgsbkym


    No, if I left my kids with my sister/friend/brother and his or her partner tickled them I wouldn't be upset by that. I would just think that they were making them laugh and having fun.
    Obviously you have those feelings because of your own experience, which is of course understandable.
    But I don't think that tickling is the problem here for the op. What do you think of his behaviour?


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    #13
    cassid
    Registered Users Posts: 811 ✭✭✭cassid


    I think you can tell a child to be careful without causing any tears at all. I would not be happy if someone gave out to my child, reduced them to tears for an accident.

    Its good that he was interactive with the children, but definitely over-reacting and the sulking is ridiculous. When you have responsibilities like children you have to rise above it and just on with things.

    Sometimes our instincts tell us things, you need to listen to what yours is telling you. I would be unhappy if my husband had behaved like this and I would probably be thinking just like you.

    Look at other areas of your life together and sit down and have a real decent chat. The sulking is a trait that stays with many people in adulthood, and can make life difficult. Its a hassle nobody needs.


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    #14
    padohaodha
    Registered Users Posts: 232 ✭✭padohaodha


    connected1 wrote: »
    What jumped out at me from this post was you saying that he was tickling the child - I thought that this was what you were asking an opinion on. I think that tickling is a real invasion of a child's personall space. I'd be very unhappy to leave my child with anyone if i thought that their partner was going to do this. Sorry if it's off topic, but it occurs to me that it might have something to do with him over reacting?
    oh for gods sake...this is what is wrong with ireland


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    #15
    padohaodha
    Registered Users Posts: 232 ✭✭padohaodha


    padohaodha wrote: »
    oh for gods sake...this is what is wrong with ireland

    just read ur later post...im sorry that this horror happened to you and ur reaction is understandable but tickling for the vast vast number of people is a harmless laugh


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    #16
    lulu1
    Registered Users Posts: 1,815 ✭✭✭lulu1


    Op i think your partner is acting like a spoiled brat and is looking for your full attention which you cant give him at the moment because of the kids. I would let him make the first move on this and explain his actions


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    #17
    Allyall
    Registered Users Posts: 10,381 ✭✭✭✭Allyall


    lulu1 wrote: »
    Op i think your partner is acting like a spoiled brat

    This.

    Sounds a bit much to be have given out to the kids, and continued it the next morning... :(:confused:

    Sounds like a child himself.


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    #18
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    i'd say you got a wake up call. careful now.


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    #19
    Typer Monkey
    Registered Users Posts: 941 ✭✭✭Typer Monkey


    Have you had arguments/disagreements before? How was that handled? Was there sulking and ignoring after those too? I can't abide sulking. It's so childish. You had a difference of opinion which should have been discussed and resolved as soon as possible afterwards. Avoiding each other and sulking is a really unhealthy way of dealing with a difference of opinion (about anything not just children!)


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    #20
    Pie and Mash
    Registered Users Posts: 41 ✭Pie and Mash


    You merely diluted his authority and he has the hump.


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    #21
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    His reaction to the pen incident was way too harsh. It was an accident brought about by his tickling the child. It was inappropriate to chastise the child and I would be really annoyed with that if I was the kids parent. Sounds like he's angry you didn't back him up and so you're getting the silent treatment. It's very childish. I'd have a chat to clear the air and ask him about his expectations of children, it's an important discussion to have if you see yourself potentially having children with him. You need to be on the same page re your standards of discipline.


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    #22
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Giving out to the point where a child cries about a pen that accidentally hit you is OTT. It was an accident. Did he shout, raise his voice, frighten the child? He may not be all that experienced around children, if so it might be down to that. In this case though, discipline or telling off should have came ideally from you if it was warranted.

    If your partner feels that his reaction was appropriate, then he would have no issue with telling the parents that he told off their child, would he? The sulking the following day would get me rethinking the relationship though too. But I cant abide sulkers.

    I do think that unless you know a child very well, and they know you and are very comfortable around you, that tickling, or excessive hugging or kissing is not fair to the child. I never force my child to kiss someone if they don't want to. Its intrusive.

    I've just realised I've never had a tickle fight with my partners niblings, even though I've been with him since before they were born, and they consider me their aunt. Hugs and kisses, yes, when they are happy to approach me for them. My own toddler, I adore tickling him and he loves to tickle back.


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    #23
    skallywag
    Registered Users Posts: 3,000 ✭✭✭skallywag


    Sounds like he threw an immature strop. I see no issue whatsoever with the tickling per se.


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    #24
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 14,035 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    It's a weird one, because it was him that caused the child to throw the pen in the first place. Somehow did he feel guilty about you getting a pen in the face and instead of apologising himself, which he should have done, he decided to blame the child? To take the attention away from it all actually being his fault? But then felt even more guilty/embarrassed when the child got upset?

    I really don't know but I'm trying to make sense of his reaction.

    Whatever his reasons it's a really strange reaction. Is he normally sulky? Does he usually/ever apologise? Carrying it on to the next day is even more of an overreaction. If we all carried on like that after disagreements with children nobody in the house would ever speak!


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