Husband Wants to Give Away My Laptop

eviltwin

Please go home and please before you do anything like booking flights etc hide your passport somewhere safe just in case

piperh

Elly read your posts again from the beginning and ask yourself what you would tell a friend if they had wrote them. I would guarantee you would be saying "this is an unhealthy relationship, get out of it".

If this is the way things are in the supposed honeymoon period it will only get worse. Your family reacted the way they did out of concern for you not anger. Do you really want your child growing up thinking this is s normal relationship and the way to treat others because if you don't leave they will believe it's the norm.

Also be careful with your passport and make sure you have it and not him, you wouldn't be the first wife to be stuck in a foreign country.

Elly_Welly

I need to apply for a special type of visa in order to go to Ireland because I'm a new immigrant, which can take a while to process... will do the paperwork now, just as a safety net, although I still really do hope to make things work

eviltwin

Can you contact your family and get someone to call them with a fake emergency to get you home?

Elly_Welly

I won't need an emergency to go home, my husband's been open to the idea but both of us feel cautious about me returning due to the negative attitudes they expressed when I said I wanted to stay here.

piperh

Elly_Welly wrote: »

I need to apply for a special type of visa in order to go to Ireland because I'm a new immigrant, which can take a while to process... will do the paperwork now, just as a safety net, although I still really do hope to make things work

If you have a passport why do you need permission(visa) to leave a country? it's not the same as entering.

Elly_Welly

piperh wrote: »

If you have a passport why do you need permission to leave a country? it's not the same as entering.

It's a bit complicated, but since I became a citizen of this country I can no longer leave it on my Irish passport. I can't apply for their passport until I've been here for a year, so in the meantime I need a temporary document from the ministry for the interior

m'lady

This thread has moved so fast since this morning and I don't have time right now to read all the replies. I'm sure this has been already said to you OP, but just I'm case.. Depending on the country you are in you could have great difficulty getting out with the baby when you have it, think about that. You could be seriously stuck in the country, unable to return with him/her.

This man is abusing you, and you need to get out. You have access to money to get back home, so just do it and don't look back, you could have a lifetime of regrets if you don't.

I'd guess that the falling out with your family was related to this man, am I right? Contact them, they will more than likely help x

Stheno

Elly_Welly wrote: »

I need to apply for a special type of visa in order to go to Ireland because I'm a new immigrant, which can take a while to process... will do the paperwork now, just as a safety net, although I still really do hope to make things work

How many months pregnant are you? I think you need to think in that timeframe as you'll be restricted in terms of flying the further along you are

ifritzero

is this real ? lets give mom our laptop because hers is running slow , they should cut their cloth to their measurement you are not there to provide luxuries for them

Elly_Welly

Stheno wrote: »

How many months pregnant are you? I think you need to think in that timeframe as you'll be restricted in terms of flying the further along you are

6 weeks

Neyite

Mod:

Closing for review.

Neyite

Mod:

Reopened. Please continue to give the op any helpful advice.

hagoonabear

please go back home to your family I can see this ending really badly you poor girl, deep down you know he is changing and becoming a control freak it will be even worse once your baby is born get out while you still can.

wishing you all the best xxx

ahnow

OP, your family will take you back, I'm sure they would be only delighted and hugely relieved.
You need to get out of this situation, you need to leave this man and get back home.
Once you have the baby everything will get worse, and it will be much harder for you to leave.
You've said you want to try and make things work: people dont change. He will not change and you are in a vulnerable situation here.
You need to leave asap.

tinkerbell

Elly_Welly wrote: »

I need to apply for a special type of visa in order to go to Ireland because I'm a new immigrant, which can take a while to process... will do the paperwork now, just as a safety net, although I still really do hope to make things work

Oh OP. You are so naive and blinded here. It is not going to work. He is not going to change. If you stick with him you are gonna be trapped by him for decades. Your baby will also be trapped. If you stay now and then want to leave in the future (which will happen), then you won't be able to take your baby with you. You need to protect yourself and your baby now. Get out of this prison sentence (because that's all it is).

You said yourself you don't know him that long either. If this is what he's like after a few months then I can't imagine what he'll be like in a few years.

Stheno

tinkerbell wrote: »

Oh OP. You are so naive and blinded here. It is not going to work. He is not going to change. If you stick with him you are gonna be trapped by him for decades. Your baby will also be trapped. If you stay now and then want to leave in the future (which will happen), then you won't be able to take your baby with you. You need to protect yourself and your baby now. Get out of this prison sentence (because that's all it is).

You said yourself you don't know him that long either. If this is what he's like after a few months then I can't imagine what he'll be like in a few years.

Agree 100% in just over seven months OP will have a baby and not be able to leave the country she is in now with her baby, unless her husband consents.
Even worse, she'll still not have a passport to leave

Op needs to take action now, even if just to get a break with her family to give her better perspective.

ABajaninCork

She mentioned trying to sort out a visa. I really hope she follows through, as I can't see this ending well...

Big Bag of Chips

OP, you need to be very careful here. You need to find out where you stand. You are already pregnant. He is already the father of your child. You need to find out if you do leave can he force you (or his baby) to be returned to his country. Please try find out as much information as possible to protect yourself.

You are already unsure and uneasy about the relationship. He is telling you you need to be more assertive, yet when you assert yourself he tells you you are wrong. It won't be long before you learn to just put up and shut up. And he will have a clear conscience because he encourages you to speak up, but you chose not to. "Sure how can that be his fault"?

Your family are sad rather than angry, or annoyed or upset at you. You are soon to become a mother yourself. When your baby is born you will experience a whole different kind of love. You will want the best for your child. You will forgive anything just so long as you know they are safe. And no matter what ever happens between you, you will always keep the door open to your child to come back if they're ever in trouble.

Think about your own relationship with your son or daughter in 20 years time. Would you like them to go through a tough time on their own because they are too afraid/embarrassed/proud to come to you and ask for help? Or would you not care what had happened, so long as you could help them to once again be happy and secure.

My children are still pretty young, but I am already drilling it into them that it doesn't matter! It doesn't matter how old they are, it doesn't matter where they live or what they've done, we will always be their "Mammy & Daddy" and we will always love them, and if they are ever in trouble we will do everything we can to help them. But we can only help them if they tell us.

I really hope you make contact with your family. Even if you don't want to move home, you should keep that connection with them open.

Emotions will be raw because everything has happened so quick, and people might say things they don't really mean. Just try to see how desperately worried about you people are. Unfortunately sometimes worry comes across as angry. They are not angry at you. They are angry at the situation and worried about you.

dellas1979

Well, first of all, do not give away or do anything with the 10k. No matter when he turns his attention back to it, do not give it away/use it for their benefit.

You seems so unsure of everything right now, this money, really could be the difference in getting away if the situation became intolerable (you said right now, he holds the purse strings).

OP...your family flagged it to you (you ignored)...people here reading your story...please dont ignore anymore (even if its hard to read). Sometimes we get swept away with things, and only realise when we are knee deep. And its ok.

I hope youd never stay in a relationship so as to not hear the "I told you sos".

Nabber

Elly_Welly wrote: »

It's a bit complicated, but since I became a citizen of this country I can no longer leave it on my Irish passport. I can't apply for their passport until I've been here for a year, so in the meantime I need a temporary document from the ministry for the interior

Go to the Irish embassy, state your case. In cases where Ireland has no embassy English embassay is verh helpful. I know you don't want to give your location away. But you will be hard pressed to find a country with no English embassy, EU embassies will also provide assistance.
You can agree to pay back any expenses incurred.
http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/moving_country/moving_abroad/leaving_ireland/diplomatic_supports.html

Consider your position. Have the baby in Ireland. Repair your marriage from Ireland. Not to be sexist, but women need to be with family at times like this. Your pregnancy and hormones leave you to be minupulated.

All the best OP.

Sleepless and Manic

Have you checked into the location of the Irish Embassy in the whatever country you are in?

You mentioned you have been applying for citizenship in your husbands country. Whatever you may have been told about citizenship and passports you ARE STILL an Irish Citizen and the embassy is there to help.

athtrasna

Please come home OP, your family will look after you and treasure you and your baby. I fear for you both if you don't x

eviltwin

Big Bag of Chips raises an important point. Depending where you live you could be charged with kidnapping if you take a child out of the country without its father's consent. Check the situation where you are, are you making yourself a prisoner by having your baby there. Does you husband know about the pregnancy?

tinkerbell

eviltwin wrote: »

Big Bag of Chips raises an important point. Depending where you live you could be charged with kidnapping if you take a child out of the country without its father's consent. Check the situation where you are, are you making yourself a prisoner by having your baby there. Does you husband know about the pregnancy?

He does. OP started a Due in Oct 2015 thread in the Pregnancy forum and said she told her husband about the pregnancy.

Zen65

Elly_Welly wrote: »

Part of me feels like I've made my bed and now I must lie in it, and some people are saying that it'll get easier when we have kids, but at 23 I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life like this.

It will not get easier when you have kids. It will be much harder. From what you have told us already I think he will probably use your kids to further control you.

Did you fall out with your family over him? If so, perhaps you should re-establish contact and listen to what they have to say. It seems to me that you have found yourself in a situation that is not healthy, and you need to get the perspective of others who really understand your situation.

Be at peace,

Stheno

Zen65 wrote: »

It will not get easier when you have kids. It will be much harder. From what you have told us already I think he will probably use your kids to further control you.

Did you fall out with your family over him? If so, perhaps you should re-establish contact and listen to what they have to say. It seems to me that you have found yourself in a situation that is not healthy, and you need to get the perspective of others who really understand your situation.

Be at peace,

A very long time ago I was in an abusive relationship, which got to the point of me being locked into my home every day

I fell out with my family due to the relationship, but a day after I rang home, they were up and there to bring me home, yes it was horrid but it was so good to feel loved like that, that I'd people who cared for me.

Contact home OP

Zen65

Elly_Welly wrote: »

Thanks to everyone for their responses. I will need to have a serious talk with him tonight to discuss just how dire the situation has become for me. Maybe when he realises this, he will feel a real need to change his ways...

No he will not change. He does not need to, you have done all the changing up to now and no conversation will persuade him that you will not continue to change as he wants.

I'm sorry, but your family were absolutely right to express their concerns to you, and it seems you have been very slow to understand this man's ways. As others have said, you need to get home to Ireland as quickly as possible to re-evaluate your relationship from a safe position.

You are not a failure. If you do not act quickly though, you will have failed yourself and your unborn. That cannot be how you would want things to be?

seventeen sheep

Elly_Welly wrote: »

I probably should pay more attention to finances than I do. My wages just go into the account and he leaves money for me in the kitchen before he leaves for work if I say I need to buy anything. I still have an account in Ireland, which he wanted me to transfer over (some 10,000 euros). He seems to have forgotten about this money recently though.

Are you certain that the money is still in that account? I'd be surprised at him forgetting about it so easily. Signatures can be forged, and if you had online access using his/your laptop, he could have gotten your log-in details. If I were you, I'd be checking the balance as a priority.

Also, I'd agree with what Big Bag Of Chips said above. All a parent really wants is for their child to be safe and happy. Personally I have messed up so many times in my adult life, with relationships and jobs and choices. And I've made some great choices too. But at the end of the day, if I come home to my parents crying because of something that happened where I was wrong all along and they were right all along - I don't get an "I told you so", or anything like it, I get a big hug and kind words and a bed if I need it any time, and practical/financial support, too, if I needed it. I would hope that I will provide similar for my child(ren). You're going to be a mother soon yourself - read your posts, imagine they were written by your daughter ... what would you be telling her to do?

Elly_Welly

Sleepless and Manic wrote: »

Have you checked into the location of the Irish Embassy in the whatever country you are in?

Yeah, there aren't very many Irish people here at all- when I went to the embassy for visa information they were surprised to meet me and even the ambassador popped in to say hello and basically ask what I'm doing here. I registered my details with them, but other than that we haven't had any interaction.

seventeen sheep wrote: »

Are you certain that the money is still in that account? I'd be surprised at him forgetting about it so easily. Signatures can be forged, and if you had online access using his/your laptop, he could have gotten your log-in details. If I were you, I'd be checking the balance as a priority.

Yeah, it's still there- he doesn't even know what bank it's in and doesn't have much interest in it. He earns much more than I do and owns his own apartment which he rents, so he's not bothered about my finances.

I spoke with him last night, first about the laptop and then about everything else that's been bothering me. He said that when people get married they don't have things that are 'mine' and 'yours' and that if that's my mindset then why don't we just half the bed and kitchen table too. He also said that he'd already told his mother she was getting the laptop and that I put him in a very uncomfortable situation to say that I changed my mind. He also said that this was a smaller symptom of my overall view of marriage, that I'm living my own separate life within our house and that I need to be more involved. I also said I didn't want him having the password to my email, and that it's not normal for couples to have all-access to everything and that I need some privacy. He started asking why I need privacy and if we have trust between each other it shouldn't be a problem as I've nothing to hide.

The conversation basically ended with me promising to try harder to have more shared goals for us. This is really something I do need to invest in- lately I haven't cared about whether there's food in the fridge or if we need to buy something for the apartment. I told him that it was because I was feeling depressed, but that I'll try to make more of an effort.

In the meantime, I'm going to the Ministry for the Interior tomorrow morning to apply for a 'temporary passport' just in case.

Op this is him getting all his way again and you caving in. Seriously, he should have the cop on not to be promising your stuff and there are plenty of married people posting here telling you otherwise. Go home at least for a visit asap and do some hard thinking on your own instead of letting this bully tell you everything is your fault

If he's that rich he can buy her another flipping laptop like

Big Bag of Chips

So again, he's telling you to stand up for yourself and shooting you down immediately when you do. And then has you promising to "try harder"?

Why/when do you think this will change?

bp

I just happen to know my OHs passwords and visa versa but it was never a conscious asking or giving. I would never look at his accounts and if he is on Facebook on his phone I would not look at the screen.

Relationships are built on trust and respect. I am a good decade older than you so have seen more. This isn't normal behaviour. I was with my partner ten years before marriage....not two months and as a parent I can tell you your parents are just worried - the love you and worry about you.

A friend was in an oppressive relationship years ago and the bs out of his mouth: your mam doesn't understand, your best friend is jealous. Watching this happened killed myself and her mother. Thankfully she dumped him and now is with a wonderful man.

Defiler Of The Coffin

OP, you're in way over your head with all this. Your gut is telling you that something is badly wrong with the marriage. Don't ignore it. Get back to Ireland as quickly as you can before it's too late. Don't worry about what your family or anybody else thinks, do what's best for yourself and your unborn child. That being said I can't imagine your family will be anything short of delighted to see you back.

Neyite

Elly_Welly wrote: »

The conversation basically ended with me promising to try harder to have more shared goals for us. This is really something I do need to invest in- lately I haven't cared about whether there's food in the fridge or if we need to buy something for the apartment. I told him that it was because I was feeling depressed, but that I'll try to make more of an effort.

He turned it around on you there. That's some skill. I think there is a lot of behaviours that get written off as a cultural difference but they are not really - certain traditional submissiveness in a given culture appeals to these types because it works in their favour. But you will probably see many more examples of married couples who are living in harmony with rigid cultural differences, following religious practices, where the couples are equals, where their possessions remain theirs, they are respected for who they are.

In a few short months, you've immersed yourself in a very different world for him, you've gone from being a single irish girl to a married women in a very different life. Toss in pregnancy hormones and homesickness and its only natural that you want to hold onto things that you had in your life that mean something - like the laptop you had throughout college.

You are in the first trimester, which is usually accompanied by extreme fatigue. I used to have a nap after work every day. A colleague's wife used to literally go upstairs at 6pm and sleep until morning until the 12 week mark on her pregnancies. Once the 12 week mark hits, you normally get your energy back. But you don't DARE apologise for an empty fridge during this time. Your energies right now, quite rightly are on nurturing this baby, and he should support that. He should be running to the shop if its needed, to let you rest.

I think if I were you, I'd play a bit on the pregnancy hormones about the laptop. Tell him its a reminder of home, something familiar to you when you need it, and especially now at a time when a woman needs her mum for reassurance you want it with you. You'll think about upgrading it after the baby is born, but for now, that's that. And if he wants his mother to have a laptop, he can buy one for her.

A word of caution though. Back up everything on it asap. I used to find treasured possessions got mysteriously broken in the days following a row. It's their way of revenge when you stand your ground.

Playing along by trying harder to grocery shop, creating a home is actually a good idea, especially if you want to come home its a good idea to convince him its only for a visit. But secretly, alongside, you do need to put together an escape plan in case you need it. Keep your passport safe, your important documents copied /saved to dropbox or cloud. Build up a stash of cash you can access in an emergency, a stash of clothes that wont be missed kept away from the home etc.

You could cover yourself with the embassy by saying you are just trying to get in touch with other irish expatriates who may be able to help you to integrate into your new culture. There are usually facebook groups or forums for Irish living abroad, and might be one in your country. But you might meet someone you trust who might be able to help you down the line when you need it.

ABajaninCork

Reading through some of the replies from Elly, something ain't hanging right...

Her in-laws apparently don't have much money. So her husband gives them money from the wedding gifts. I say give, because she's not going to see that money again. The husband apparently earns a lot more than the OP, but wanted her to give his parents her new iPad, and failing that her laptop. No mention of him giving HIS stuff to his parents! He also made mention of her savings but hasn't made a move yet. So I'm wondering if he is indeed earning what he says he earns, and is representing her money as his to his parents IYKWIM to save face?

I dunno. Maybe I'm talking crap. But this alone, stinks to high heaven.

And I also see poor Elly trying to reason why she should stay. I'm worried now

pwurple

Elly_Welly wrote: »

He said that when people get married they don't have things that are 'mine' and 'yours' and that if that's my mindset then why don't we just half the bed and kitchen table too.

He also said that this was a smaller symptom of my overall view of marriage, that I'm living my own separate life within our house and that I need to be more involved.

This guy is the one with a messed view of marriage. He now 'owns' you it sounds like... seeing as he decides when your stuff gets given away.

black & white

My advice for what it's worth and absolutely no offense intended;

Mod:
YouTube clip removed - prohibited by charter.

Stheno

pwurple wrote: »

This guy is the one with a messed view of marriage. He now 'owns' you it sounds like... seeing as he decides when your stuff gets given away.

It's all about control by him imo

tinkerbell

OP, for the love of god, please contact your family at home. You might not be convinced by a bunch of strangers on the Internet but perhaps your parents and siblings can help you see sense. You are in an extremely vulnerable position right now - you are 6 weeks pregnant, alone in a foreign country and your husband is abusing you, so its not surprising that you are trying to cling onto this sham of a marriage (because it is a sham as you are not treated as equals).

You tried speak with your husband and he ends up turning it around on you, he sure is good at it. No normal happy healthy marriage is like that. I'm married and there would be hell to pay if I suddenly decided to just give away my husband's stuff or if he decided to give away my stuff just because we are now married. Just because you are married, doesn't mean your possessions suddenly become joint possessions. You still have your things, he has his. Is he gonna start giving away your clothes, jewellery, etc next? And he absolute gall he had to want to give away the brand new ipad your parents gave you!! :mad:

Please please please get out now. You don't have much time. Send an email from your work email to your parents with a link to this thread and tell them you need help. Get them to book the flight for you if needs be. If you don't leave now, I guarantee you will want to leave after the baby is born and by then it'll be too late, because you will not want to give up your child. And that's what'll happen - he'll tell you that you can leave but the child stays. Get out now while you still have some control left. Please

Starokan

Right now your husband is using persuasion to get his way, he could easily purchase his mother a laptop but instead chooses to take yours under the guise of an "whats mine is yours", taking the laptop erodes your privacy and further reduces your access to the outside world.

A lot of people are telling you to leave now but from reading your posts I suspect you are still some way from both wanting and acting on this. A marriage should be a meeting of equals, it should never be about one person imposing their will on another, right now it seems that your husband is trying to mould you into the person he wants you to be not the person you actually are.

You need to figure this out and given your pregnancy time is not on your side. If you are not prepared to walk from this yet, then test the waters to see exactly what you are dealing with. Tell him that you feel the need to re establish contact with your family and as such you are applying for a temporary passport and will be flying to Ireland to work things out. Tell him you will be back in a week or ten days, whatever it takes.

A loving husband may try and persuade his wife to stay and work on their problems but when she insists she needs this he would genuinely not have a problem with this and would trust that all will work out and you will return , if that happens great, go home and think about what you want.

If however he is the control freak your posts indicate he is then his reaction will be much much different where he will utilise every form of emotional blackmail possible to prevent you going. If you feel physically threatened simply give in , tell him it was only an idea and then you will finally see what he really is. In that scenario get yourself to the embassy and find out your options.

Either way given the tone of your posts getting back home should really be priority number 1. It is only when you achieve that goal that you will truly know what is best for you. In your current situation you cannot make that assessment honestly as there are too many outside factors in play.

kylith

OP, please contact the embassy and get sorted with a temporary passport so you can visit home. Tell your husband that you want to patch things up with your family before you get too far along in the pregnancy to travel. Once you're away from him you can decide your next move.

I often hear couples saying that once they get married all possessions become 'ours', but what's meant by that is that if one person needs to use the laptop they don't need to ask their partner as they both own it. I have never heard anyone try to parlay that into 'give my mother your laptop'. If I were you I would tell him that it has great sentimental value, has all your writings from the past 10 years, and if he wants to take it it'll be out of your cold, dead hands. If his mother needs a laptop so badly he can buy her one.

OP, please, please, please heed what everyone is saying. This man is showing signs of being manipulative and controlling and it will only get worse. Right now he's not worried because he thinks you can't leave the country until your citizenship comes through, then you'll be too far along in the pregnancy, then you'll need his permission to leave with the baby and you'll be stuck in a Not Without My Daughter situation - he'll never let you leave with the child and you won't be able to leave your child behind.

Neyite

kylith wrote: »

I often hear couples saying that once they get married all possessions become 'ours', but what's meant by that is that if one person needs to use the laptop they don't need to ask their partner as they both own it. I have never heard anyone try to parlay that into 'give my mother your laptop'. If I were you I would tell him that it has great sentimental value, has all your writings from the past 10 years, and if he wants to take it it'll be out of your cold, dead hands. If his mother needs a laptop so badly he can buy her one.

Exactly. I'd be very much in a 'everything pooled' relationship. From when we moved in, income was joint. But so too, were decisions regarding our finances. Possessions belonging to either of us remain ours though. We are highly respectful of each others posessions and while we'd probably know each other's passwords and PIN for bank cards, this is quite unusual and works purely because we have a long established record of trust and know the other would never intrude on that privacy.

You cant pool everything that way. Its fair enough to say 'can I give mum your old laptop when you get your new one?' but you are not upgrading.

By his logic then Elly, you can give away his mobile phone. Or his work shoes. Or something else that he's had since his teens that means a lot to him and that he still uses. Because they belong to both of you. He can always use yours, right?

Or does that just apply to your possessions?

You are the one who has made all the compromises here. You moved countries to be with him. You gave up your family to be with him. You covered your hair. You assumed the wifely role of stocking the fridge and making the home. You are the one who is isolated, without friends, getting to grips with a new marriage, a new pregnancy, a new country, a new culture, a new language. The least he could do is to leave your stuff alone!

You dont have to answer, but did you convert to his faith when you met, or were you and your parents already of that faith? I'm wondering if you are concerned that your parents might have traditional values of that religion that may mean disapproving of you leaving the marriage and be unwelcoming of you because of that?

Elly_Welly

Neyite wrote: »

You dont have to answer, but did you convert to his faith when you met, or were you and your parents already of that faith? I'm wondering if you are concerned that your parents might have traditional values of that religion that may mean disapproving of you leaving the marriage and be unwelcoming of you because of that?

I actually came here to convert and met him along the way as he was going through a process of becoming more religious. My parents are Catholic, and are anti my current religion for their own bigoted reasons (they still don't understand anything about it). It hasn't been an issue regarding religion, as he was raised by atheist parents and even the people in our community have disagreed with any of the things they've heard him do. I think he just has some personal insecurities. His mother is also a very domineering woman who thrives on shaming people and mentally abused him as a child, and unfortunately I think that's played a strong role in the issues he faces now. When I tell him he needs to change, he gets very angry and defensive that I'm making him out to be the 'wrong' one and asked what I'm doing to help the situation. I don't know what I've been doing to help the situation- I don't know what to do.

spottybananas

Elly_Welly wrote: »

His mother is also a very domineering woman who thrives on shaming people and mentally abused him as a child, and unfortunately I think that's played a strong role in the issues he faces now. When I tell him he needs to change, he gets very angry and defensive that I'm making him out to be the 'wrong' one and asked what I'm doing to help the situation. I don't know what I've been doing to help the situation- I don't know what to do.

You're making excuses for him now, blaming his mother for the way he is. Some of that might be true, but either way, it's not a good situation for you to be in regardless of what makes him behave like this.

Get out of there now, before it's too late. That sounds dramatic, but when you have a child with him as opposed to being in the very early stages of pregnancy, it will be too late.

Stheno

Elly_Welly wrote: »

I actually came here to convert and met him along the way as he was going through a process of becoming more religious. My parents are Catholic, and are anti my current religion for their own bigoted reasons (they still don't understand anything about it). It hasn't been an issue regarding religion, as he was raised by atheist parents and even the people in our community have disagreed with any of the things they've heard him do. I think he just has some personal insecurities. His mother is also a very domineering woman who thrives on shaming people and mentally abused him as a child, and unfortunately I think that's played a strong role in the issues he faces now. When I tell him he needs to change, he gets very angry and defensive that I'm making him out to be the 'wrong' one and asked what I'm doing to help the situation. I don't know what I've been doing to help the situation- I don't know what to do.

Typical controlling bully behaviours from him, throwing everything back to be your fault.

And you are falling for it you need to step bavk

Neyite

Elly_Welly wrote: »

I actually came here to convert and met him along the way as he was going through a process of becoming more religious. My parents are Catholic, and are anti my current religion for their own bigoted reasons (they still don't understand anything about it). It hasn't been an issue regarding religion, as he was raised by atheist parents and even the people in our community have disagreed with any of the things they've heard him do.

At least you know that his behaviour is not religion-based. And having the support of your community will help you greatly in sorting out your head. Its also highly likely that your parents would then welcome you back if they thought you'd return to the faith you were reared in. If the community has supports for women wanting to leave a marriage, do look into that if you can.

wrote:

I think he just has some personal insecurities. His mother is also a very domineering woman who thrives on shaming people and mentally abused him as a child, and unfortunately I think that's played a strong role in the issues he faces now.

Absolutely does have an impact, having a dysfunctional mother. As would having a dysfunctional grandmother, which is something you really need to think about down the line if you stay.

wrote:

When I tell him he needs to change, he gets very angry and defensive that I'm making him out to be the 'wrong' one and asked what I'm doing to help the situation. I don't know what I've been doing to help the situation- I don't know what to do.

There is nothing you CAN do. Women and men, the world over, have tried to change people they love. And it never works. Its a bit like someone with addictions - you cant help them until they want help themselves and are prepared to put the work in themselves to reform. Until then you are helpless and a verbal or actual punching bag for them to blame instead of acknowledging the fault themselves.

Elly_Welly

Neyite wrote: »

AIts also highly likely that your parents would then welcome you back if they thought you'd return to the faith you were reared in. If the community has supports for women wanting to leave a marriage, do look into that if you can.

I wouldn't return to Catholicism if someone was holding a gun to my head. My parents know there's no chance of that happening, and don't broach the subject anymore.

I'm still very much determined to make this work, I think the best step would be to return to one of the main community heads again and explain that the situation has become dire and needs their intervention immediately.

Stheno

Elly_Welly wrote: »

I wouldn't return to Catholicism if someone was holding a gun to my head. My parents know there's no chance of that happening, and don't broach the subject anymore.

I'm still very much determined to make this work, I think the best step would be to return to one of the main community heads again and explain that the situation has become dire and needs their intervention immediately.

Hasn't your husband said he doesn't want you to do this? How do you thinks he'll react if you do?