What to do about long distance marriage???

MissesKisses

Hi guys,

I am married to a wonderful man and we have two young children. We have had our ups and downs over the years but for the most part he is my best friend and I love him to bits. He recently got a new job which means he is away Monday - Friday and often times Saturdays too. I work fulltime myself and do the majority of the housework, getting kids ready and to school, organise all childminding and get them to afterschool activities, dinners, etc. so I assumed I could cope ok without him.

Im not coping well at all. It is soo hard to deal with everything on my own to not have my husband in the evenings and to have to deal with all of life's daily problems on my own. I really salute all the single moms out there because I think the psychological effect is way bigger than you would expect. Im lonely, sad and frustrated. When he gets home at the weekends, I have so much pent up frustration and anger that I have been forced into this situation but I get little enough time with him as it is. I have tried to approach a conversation about this with him but he doesnt seem to take it seriously.

My friends have suggested some shocking solutions from going to church to having an affair! So I guess Im looking for some unbiased opinions on how to handle the situation.

Any help or advice is very, very gratefully appreciated

MrWalsh

Is the new job in a different place? Why cant ye all move to be nearer the new job?

Was this supposed to be a temporary situation? Im trying to get my head around why a married man with children would decide to take a permanent job in a different place to his family - unless there is some specific reason that you havent mentioned.

MissesKisses

Thanks, yes its too far to travel home, its in a different county. It was supposed to be short term but now has become a 6 month thing.

The kids are settled in school and I work full time in my own job. He works on a contract basis so, as there are no jobs locally, he has to go as far as needs must to work. He has worked out of county before but not for long periods.

I know this is an economic must-do. My biggest fear is that I dont handle this well and that he may even look for comfort elsewhere as some of my friends have so easily and comfortably suggested I do !

MrWalsh

Only 6 months! Thats very short term.

I understand you are finding it difficult but its not going to go on for a long time. I thought you meant it was forever.

How many weeks/months are you into the 6 months?

I cant believe your friends would be suggesting you seek comfort elsewhere over a 6 month job placement - I suggest you get new friends!! I also cant believe you would worry your husband would seek comfort elsewhere over a 6 month job placement!! Its only 6 months - it wouldnt say a lot for your marriage if either of you felt the need to go with someone else over a 6 month job!

Can you use up any of your annual leave to give yourself a day even every 2nd week to allow you to catch up with the household chores etc...

DoYouEvenLift

MissesKisses wrote: »

[Mod Note]:<Snip> No need to quote entire post. Just quote the relevant bit[/Mod Note]

My friends have suggested some shocking solutions from going to church to having an affair! So I guess Im looking for some unbiased opinions on how to handle the situation.

Any help or advice is very, very gratefully appreciated

Rid whoever suggested that from your life.

MissesKisses

Relieved to hear that this is not a new thing where people just go and have affairs for any ole reason! I myself would never consider this at all, I guess it threw me into a little panic as I know at least two of our couple friends have ended their relationships as a result of infidelity in the last two years.

ElleEm

I would really question the motives of "friends" who are encouraging you to look elsewhere.

It sounds like you need emotional support. Is your husband still providing this through calls in the evening or texts in the day? If you are leaving all of your frustrations to the weekend, your time together won't be positive.

Can you maybe organise yourself a bit better so that you have a list of things to do at the weekend (uniforms, housework, premaking dinners for the freezer) and you and your husband can tackle them in a more time efficient way? Have you considered getting a cleaner for a couple of hours a week for the major housework?

Six months really is not that long, although it may feel it. You need to speak with your husband about your concerns so he can offer solutions too.

MissesKisses

I dont mind taking care of the majority of the household matters so thats not really an issue for me - I prefer to spend Thursday evenings completing all the left over tasks from the week to make sure any time we have together is not taken up with menial tasks!

DeltaWhite

OP I am very sorry that I cannot offer you any advice for your marriage, but for the love of christ do not listen to your friends! Who even suggests something like that!! As if that's going to help the situation!

MissesKisses

I would talk to him maybe once a day, sometimes more, and to answer a previous post we're only 5 weeks in!

Also, yes, my friend is recently separated, I haven't taken the suggestion seriously and would hope that she didnt mean it seriously either!! I had gone to her for advice on the situation but she was a little less than helpful, I also don't think she took me seriously either!

On reflection, this is not as big a "thing" as i had built it to in my head. I would usually talk any problems i have out with my husband (BFF) but felt I couldnt do it without some advice on how to approach it without it being an actual "thing".

Thanks for all your suggestions, guys.

ManOfMystery

A friend suggesting that is not someone I'd look to for advice in future. She sounds like she wants you to engage in an affair as it will probably make her feel better about whatever went on in her own case of infidelity ("Sure everyone else does it, so ......")

Getting back to your original problem, I'm sure that being on your own Mon-Fri is stressful. We have one child and I know that it's hard enough to get up in the morning and get him (and ourselves) ready and out the door, and also fit in cleaning etc - never mind being on your own with 2 children.

It's a question of practicality really. You have less time now, so concessions have to be made to keep yourself sane. Money-wise, would you be able to afford a cleaner? Even just every other week? It's not a massive cost but is a weight off your shoulders when the big weekly clean is eliminated from your schedule. And what about cooking - do you cook dinners fresh every night? If not then spend a day some weekend cooking large portions of food (curry, lasagne, etc) and freeze it all - even if you only use the frozen ones 2 or 3 evenings it saves a lot of time and there's no real effect on the nutritional value of the food like you may have if you went with ready meals.

If you can free up a little time through things like this, use that to work on the loneliness you're experiencing - if you have family nearby, use them to mind the kids and go out and spend some time with your friends.

MissesKisses

I wouldnt say I have less time as I learned early on that time management is very important when both parents are working so cleaning is done "as you go". I suppose if I was honest I would say that I do just sit around and feel sorry for myself after the kids go to bed when i could easily invite a friend (maybe not aforesaid friend!!!) over for coffee or even a movie. Thanks for the advice!!!!

whats_my_name

Why don't you hire a cleaner to come in one day a week to take some of the pressure off?? Best money I have ever spent! They are very reasonably priced, mine charges €10/hr & she comes in for 2 hours one day a week!

tinkerbell

In the grand scheme of things 6 months is a short while, however when you're in the middle of it, it can seem like an age.

First things first, I'd dump the "friend(s)" who suggested you have an affair! I'm seriously WTF at that suggestion.

Secondly, could you take some annual leave or even unpaid / parental leave for a day or so a week or a day every fortnight to take the pressure off? Hiring a cleaner is a good suggestion, although that's presumably if you can find one. It'd at least take some of the burden off.

LegacyUser

I have been in a similar situation and all I can say is that it is difficult but you do get more used to it as time goes by and you get into a routine, even if it's not one you want.

I know our hardest time was Sunday evening as all we seemed to do was get him ready to leave on Monday morning again, so the weekend seemed very short. It is lonely during the week and then you don't want to burden him with all the issues that have built up the minute he walks in the door. Bear in mind it will be very lonely for him being away as well and he will be looking forward to being with you all at the weekend.

If you can spend time talking to him each night during the week and dealing with any of the minor issues that might arise, then you could have more quality time at the weekend to relax together. Don't try to deal with everything yourself, thinking that you're saving him the worry when he is away as this will get very stressful. Try to do something nice together as a family at the weekend as well so that you have this to remember during the week. Do try to have a friend over for a chat during the week also so that you are not totally isolated.

Chin up and hopefully he'll find something nearer to home soon!

Big Bag of Chips

You need practical help with the day to day tasks. Unless your affair will do the shopping, cleaning and a few drop offs with the kids I can't see the benefit myself Have you any family close by? Yours or inlaws? Don't be afraid to ask for help. Don't be afraid to ask friends to help school runs etc. Friends really are invaluable at times like this. And anybody would be happy to help out wherever they can.... Usually all you have to do is ask.

LegacyUser

I'm in the same situation. Have been for two years now. My husband got a great job in a different county, but the children are settled in school and I also work fulltime so we decided to give it a go, with him coming home weekends only.

I would suggest though that there should be no good reason he would HAVE to stay on saturdays- especially when my husband is away during the week, he will work late in the weekday evenings to make sure he is home every friday night and leaves very very early on monday morning.

Also he makes an effort to try to come home one night a week- this doesnt always work out with weather etc, but when he does, usually the kids are in bed and the two of us have dinner together and a glass of wine. It's something to look forward to during the tough weeks. Also I know if I have a really hard week, he will come home- I never ask him to, but I know he would. Its a silent support that means so much.

Like you, my husband is my best friend, I love him very much, and I know he loves me too. I would never even look at another man and I know for sure he wouldn't stray either. We try to give each other a break at the weekends, I make sure he has a lie in one day and he always does the same.

Like you, I try to do the ironing, cleaning etc during the week to make the weekend leisure time, and we try to get a bit of alone time, even if it is just to walk the dog while the kids are doing their sports.

I have a mental countdown in my head to times like easter, summer hols, christmas etc, and break the year up into more manageable periods ( all in the mind, but it helps!).

Just be kind to each other would be my advice, esp if it is only for 6months. I know I am one of the lucky ones, I have friends whose husbands/wives work abroad and only see each other every 6 weeks or longer!

stuboy01

As tough as it is you're not as unfortunate as some. Had friend who's husband had to work in middle east for two years only getting home for two two-week holidays a year. They had 3 kids under 4yrs. But they managed with support of friends.

December2012

Due to my husbands work we rarely see each other during the week. I'm similar to you - work full time, do the kids, all the housework etc.

Apart from all the hands on work - it's hard! I miss him, he misses me and we sometimes let it get the better of us.

I get very lonely because even when he is here he has to do a lot of remote work. So weekends are the same, albeit with him in the office instead of in the work office.

Things I do:-

* batch cook / get dinner at lunch time so I don't have to cook every night
* got a cleaner once a week (of course I still have to do laundry, kitchen, toys etc as I go
* try to get wardrobe sorted for the kids once a week
* we text during the day
* we know that this situation has an end date

To be honest, the social side is harder. I feel lonely sometimes. My mates are at home with their husbands, I'm at home, so is my husband, but we're in different rooms.

I'll be honest a relationship coubsellor might help you process your feelings, but you probably don't want to be doing that with the short amount of time you have together.

I suggest that you try and have sex every weekend (if you don't already). It's a great way for a couple to reconnect emotionally and physically in my opinion.

To avoid feeling lonely, take up a distraction you can do at home during the week - work out, reading, podcasts, knitting, blogging.... Basically a hobby that is normally done solo! And don't forget getting loads of star fishing sleep!

You could get a Netflix subscription and watch a box set together every night - open skype so you can interact. Have a chat every night where you both get to talk about your day; phone sex if you're into it.

Remember it's for a short time and you can get through it. It's not your fault, it's not his.

I won't lie - it's hard and it's lonely. But you can minimise that when you get into practice.

IlmoNT4

Lots of good advice here OP but take a step back...its for 6 months, which is really short term.

Dont take this the wrong way, but you could use this time to learn the art of being alone and finding other support networks. Its an opportunity for personal growth and learning to be by yourself, which is a really difficult thing to do.

I know a couple who do every 6 months together and the next 6 months apart for work reasons, they've done it for years and it works for them because they are both people who have put a lot of time into become self aware and being able to be alone. Of course you can cope, its a change that you need to manage thats really the issue. Its totally ok to say that you didnt expect to feel the way you do. I would try and find a positive in it and do whatever it is practically (cleaner, baby sitter on the weekend) so the time you have together with your partner is spent in a positive way. I'd take a long hard look at why you feel this way and why you need some much emotional support from him. (I mean this in the best possible way)

Eeden

This is a difficult situation to be in. I've seen it with other couples and been there myself, too.

Sometimes the problem is that what the at-home partner wants when his/her partner comes home is a break from the kids and the routine; but what the away-from-home partner wants is a "home-like" routine, and also time alone with their partner. This can be an impossible balance to achieve.

You need to talk about this, and about what both of you need from your time apart and your time together.